Chapter Text
I lay sprawled out in my bed. I’ve been staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes or something. I feel like a worm drying out in the sun, slowly losing the capability of moving my body and breathing.
It’s so hard to think like this, bad memories clouding my brain. Regret is filling my body, I can’t stop thinking about the things in my life I should have done different. About the things I wish would have happened, about the things I’d rather forget ever happened to me.
I feel like I’m dying.
I turn on my side and grab my stomach, which is twisting in knots and making me feel nauseous. I wish Josh would come hold me, rub my back and tell me everything’s going to be okay.
I just want to do something right, I want something to work out. I turn my head and shove my face into my pillow. It’s so hard to breathe.
I hate when I start feeling like this.
I want to text Josh, but I’m afraid I might do something stupid. Say something that will show my true venerability to him. I don’t want anyone to see that part of me. I just think about him really hard instead.
Every time the panic in my stomach starts to subside and I feel like I can breathe again, it all comes back.
I decide spending some time with Josh might help me feel a little better. I get ready quickly and drive to his house. I arrive just as he’s pulling out of his driveway. Curious, I follow him at a distance. I notice he has his dog with him and smile.
After going with Josh through town, we end up at a park. I park a block away and wait a minute in my car before getting out. I take my camera and phone.
I find him throwing a ball for his dog. They’re both so cute, it makes me smile when I see him talking to the puppy.
I get as close as I can without risking being seen and turn on my camera. I aimlessly take pictures of the trees and flowers, sneaking in pictures of Josh every so often. I don’t want anyone to notice all my attention is actually on him, so I wander around and pretend to be really into the small purple flowers sprouting from the grass.
When I look back over, Josh has moved spots because his dog and a dog I don’t recognize have started playing together. I don’t recognize the owner either. I wonder if Josh knows this person. I try to fight off an unholy jealousy as I see the two pet owners exchange a few words.
I want to go over and yell at her to leave him alone, but I don’t.
I end up sitting in the grass people watching for about twenty minutes before deciding I should leave before Josh does, just in case.
When I get home from hanging out with Josh, I look at all the pictures I got of him. I come across a picture of him in the middle of throwing the ball for his dog. His shirt is up at the bottom, exposing his lower stomach. All his muscles are tense.
It makes me feel things I get kind of embarrassed about. I stare at the picture for a long while before setting my camera down and rubbing my eyes.
Then something in my brain shifts and all the times I’ve been left breathless by Josh are flashing through my mind. I know I need to have him, under no circumstances can he be anyone else’s. He’s perfect, he’s all I want, he’s the only one that cares.
Even though we are quiet to each other, I know he cares.
I can feel it, we’re supposed to be together.