Chapter Text
Before setting foot on this land, never crossed in my mind I’d be spending my whole life with this man. Cuz people say we have to fight for ourselves and ourselves only.
Maybe they’re not fully wrong but not right either.
I do go to college to obtain my academic degree but as I remember back there, I’ve wasted those times in futile. Rather than finishing the final essay or doing any intern programs, I’ve become freeloader and let the time flies away to hang out with the seniors from the school junkyard. I use junkyard ‘cause they’re just bunch of losers who soon will end up in prison bars and dying there worthlessly. I recognize one of them from the south building. He has weird scar between the eyebrow and his hairline. As if he’s involved in gang fight or something. Luckily, I’m not part of his fanboy who tails in every single thing he does. Amazingly, no single trace of crime recorded on my name.
Once I skipped my late meal to have a smoke behind our dorm and my eyesight catch an unusual view. Old World may decay like ashes and in meantime it’s going to rot like the fruits we plant here. No one ever send their child to agriculture major like since hundred years ago, no I bluff out, but reality speaks the truth best. Whatever breakthrough our scientists try to make, it always ends in pain. So, the reason why I end up here after highschool is still mystery though.
Tip of my finger nearly burn from the smoke lit. I have no idea what rushes me to walk closer to those guys. And the first word I say was only simple ‘hey’.
Strangely, the story goes inward and spin around like roller coaster. I live a life just exactly how I predict. Just like a real scumbag. I’d surely die forgotten while this world‘s heading to extinction. It will be fine, totally fine. Besides, I don’t have any privilege to be the choosen settlers for New World space travel mission. It sounds lame and impossible. Nevertheless, my encounter with this boy changes almost everything of myself. Including how my vision depicts apocalypse.
“We have to sign up for this mission, Cillian. Would you like to go with me?”
It’s always the same. His simple question. But it gives hurricane inside my head.
Ben.
I met him for this first time at school inauguration party. While students finally able to do whatever they want tonight, I’m just being me at the back door. A bottle of cheap whisky at my right hand and a cigar who nearly dies at my left hand. I see the cloud of smoke on the dark sky. No effing stars even when we’re at this altitude. Poor planet, I murmur before taking another sip. Only needs couple minutes before my eyes become heavier and I’m dozed off defenceless. But, my conciousness is torn apart after someone’s voice reach my head.
“...you gotta go back to your dorm before you get cold. Unless if you want to wake up in bad state tomorrow.”
My brain still can’t decide whether it’s a girl or boy’s voice. Also, the intonation behind the voice is arguably not amuse. So, I raise my back and hurl in. Maybe it’s been two or three hours I’ve been slumbered into deep sleep ever since the alcohol streams together with my bloodflow. Ugh, my head is spinning so bad and I want to puke. My bladder rim is annoyingly relaxed too and it makes me want to pee. Damn alcohol.
“Oh my God, oh no—wait.”
I hear a zipperbag opened and he rushes to put a ziplock plastic under my chin. “You can’t puke on the grass. Puke in it instead.”
I blink in slow motion for three our four times to digest his words. Instead, I ask him something else. “What major you’re taking?”
“Chemical engineering?”
Oh.
“Save the ziplock. Put back whatever it is inside. Don’t mind me. I’ll just—“ I fight the nausea so hard even I can taste my gastric acid behind the tongue now. Standing up sloppily just like toddlers who learn to walk for the first time. And I smile, literally smiling.
Crazy dude, he probably think of me that now. Anyway, my first tempt to rise and shine like a gentleman was indeed success only to finally puke uncontrollably on this whoever his or her shirt. Crap.
If I remember it correctly, he wasn’t angry or furious at me. It happens a lot, like a lot, in his life. He’s assigned to watch over the inauguration party while everyone snogging at every corner in public space. It’s never his cup of tea to be openly losing mind due to alcohol and teenage hormone, so he just signed himself to do the boring job ever. ‘To avoid people.’ That’s what he answered between his laugh. Unfortunately, he nears the end of his stroll that night. And, the last thing he ever imagined was finding me, the despicable guy, puking on his shirts. Countless of countless apologies perhaps can’t pay off what I’ve done to him that night. But, he just smile at me warmly. It sparks some unidentified feelings inside my heart.
“I’m Ben. Benison Moore. Second year.”
He offers me his hand. Looks smaller and thinner than mine. Well, I work mostly on field while he’s in laboratory. Make sense.
“Cillian. Boyd. Third year. Um, agriculture.”
His reacchsun is unreadable. He looks fascinated but also thoughtful.
He breaks the silence. “Have you read the recent news of settlement plan yet?”
It needs less than a minute for me to answer his question. No is my straight answer. Full of undefined emotion. He probably takes it as final closure for this topic and rolling his eyes elsewhere to find another subject. It’s not like I hate to discuss about that issue. Actually, my personal matter toward the case is another story and he feels intimidated as I blurt it out so bluntly. I scratch my temple and tell him it’s not anyone’s fault. He understands and nods. He’s indeed not like any typical guy I’ve ever met before. He’s not easy to read but he can read us very well. Even without a Noise.
Not quite long after, he introduces me to one of his friend. It’s Mary, a girl from different department but same major as his. She studies magnetic field, biophysics, and chemical intervenshun. Most of her works are related to pratical science and some topics are matched with my background. Soon, three of us become what they call as best friends. Year after, I finally able to finish my paper and come back as a man who I am supposed to be. The war I was battling for almost five years reaches the end but when the government announces the name of new settlers, I realize the end is still far from my grasp.
I watch a flicker of hope through Ben’s eye when they put us side by side in this huge space tank rocket. We’ve gone through a lot together before leaving this rotten Old World. Most of all is only me mesmerizing his selfless character, the beauty I find inside him, and forgiveness. Forgiving is still a problem I’m lacked of myself. I try to forgive my parents for neglecting me. I also want them to forgive me ‘cause I haven’t done anything to preserve the lives of this planet. We fail many times and lose. I let them die there.
I grip Ben’s hand so hard like I never want to leave him. I close my eyes tightly and don’t want to open them just to see another same world when we land on. It drives my crazy. But, the warmth from Ben’s hand radiating to my soul although we’re in this thick space suit. Our soul and mind will always be connected to each other.
***
I only know how to use my hands to do rough job on the field. There’re amount of dirt splotch on my pants and Ben always hates it if I touch the baby without changing my clothes. After plucking the ripped tomatoes from our backyard, I decide to sneak through our back door. I put the tomatoes on washbasin after watering them clean. I find a very calm Noise behind the sliding door connecting to the dining room. I slide it opened and seeing a wonderful scene there.
Todd has been agitated since two o’clock in the morning. It affects Ben’s mood so much and causing his Noise gets irritated easily. He even can’t go to the crib to feed the goats this morning. Todd makes him so busy this whole day.
I have no idea why I take some papers and pencil out from the drawer. Mary once taught me how to make a portrayal of people but I never master it like how she did. I drag out a wooden chair to sit across Ben who hugs the eight months old Todd. They both sleep safe and sound on the one of our dining chair. It must have been rough days for Ben. Being a Ma who is also a Pa for Todd.
I hear Todd’s small hiccup and it wakes Ben up. His Noise start to light up like a bright sunrise. My drawing is almost done but I think Ben will hate it.
‘Time?’
‘Almost dusk.’ I answer. He still can’t sense my presence, I guess.
Todd squirms between his sleep. Perhaps due to Ben’s sudden movement. But, Ben husses the baby Todd and stroke his back lightly. He blinks couple time and finally realize my presence.
“Cillian, gosh. I thought it’s a ghost or something.”
Ghost, huh. After getting this old ages now, you still believe in ghost. Funny Ben.
‘How’s Todd?’ I ask through Noise and focusing on my drawing.
“Um, I have no idea how long I’ve been asleep now but—I guess he gets his proper nap. I think it’s been five hours? Wow. No idea I can sleep that long.”
‘You sleep like a log after we snog the whole night.’
He gets embarrassed so easily and send hurl of twack at the back of my Noise. It’s so cute.
“What is that?” He tries to change the topic while straightening his uncomfortable position.
I steal a glance behind the paper to look at him. The sun that sets from beyond our glass window shining his auburn hair. Beautiful color, as always. Maybe, I can mix some of yellow or brown to my last stroke.
‘Done.’ I say then stand up to walk closely at where he sits. Showing him the result my unskilled fingers.
He’s always be the Cillian I know. Even without the Noise, I can’t read the words he puts behind his expresshun. Part of it is delightful and content feeling but there’s a bit of rejecchsun.
“Not an artist, though.” I argue. But, he just scoffs and use his free arm to reach my hand. Admiring how big and rough my palm and fingers are then put them close to his lips. Kiss them with so much love.
‘I think somebody needs to pay the effort of the painter has given out to make this unbelieavable artistic drawing. Do you agree, Cillian?’
I can’t hide my smirk when he offers something that no man in this shitty Prentisstown could object. But, my priority becomes Todd now and no longer my selfish ego. I don’t say much inside my Noise but Ben catch it very quick. He asks me to help him standing up while correcting Todd’s position on his arms.
‘I’ll lullaby him with my Noise then. You go wash your stink body first then let’s just do it in quick round, ‘kay?’
He seals my dry lips with his that only lasts for one second before walks away to the second floor. I do stink like onion and cucumber. A very unpleasant smell, indeed. I rush to the shower room right after.
For about five minutes I spend looking back at my reflection at the mirror with blank mind. The water drips from my hair and I realize I hafta trim the edge again. We have best hairdresser in town but I almost refuse to go there especially after what they did to the women. Again, I’m just the same Cillian Boyd who couldn’t save anyone. Fighting them only with rage and popping eyes. But, I know it’s a promise. A promise of lifetime. Losing Mary is more than enough for me to hate the whole town and Major Prentiss. Ben assures me there’ll be day when our efforts will bloom. Like the dandelion we first see in Haven.
Perhaps Ben senses the anxious from my Noise though we’re quite in distance. He calms me with his pretty song. Repeated over and over again inside my head. He sings Mary’s favorite song to Todd.
When I get out from the shower room, I see him standing there only wears my upper size shirt. It looks loosened up in his body. Sometimes he surprises me in unique way.
‘He’s asleep?’
‘At least for two hours ahead. He’s in age where he needs human touch the most.’ He answers while sitting on my lap. Both of his arms already encircle around my neck. He hides his face at the deepest column of my jugular muscle. ‘I sense fear from your Noise awhile ago.’
I feel secured whenever I pull him to my embrace. His warmth is everything I just need now. I open my Noise and he wraps my body even closer. ‘We will win. We will win by letting them know they’ve won. Trust me.’
‘How can you be so sure ‘bout it, Ben?’
I feel a wet sensation from the tip of his tongue on my ear. He nibbles it. ‘Mary told me so. And I believe on her. Men are made to start a war but you and I are different story, Cillian. Soon, Todd will reach thirteen years old. And everything we teach to him is a key to revolve the chaos.’
Blood gushes to many parts of my body. For this short time, let’s just forget the world and Noise. I roll over to my left side and let our bodies rubbing in intimacy. This moment is a sacred ritual for both of us. It physically able to strengthen our Noise imbalance. And so, we appreciate it with so much thankfulness. The regret we bear for years may hurt us everytime but as soon as we watch Todd’s laugh thereafter, we realize there’s a noble mission we actually carry. Sometimes I could see Mary watching us there. It’s creepy but I know she only exist due to my fear. Cuz when I close my eyes, I just see pure bliss.
We make a simple rule before we’re officially dating. Mary once tells us it’s important aspect to keep our relationship last for eternity. She might be right but the old me prefers to make everything as simple as lit a smoke. But, Ben shows the opposite. He used to date a man who’s much older than him and it only stays for less than three months. He assures me nothing happens except non-consensual friends with benefit type of dating. Anyway, we promise not to judge each other’s past and whatever future holds us, so be it. Talking about the rule we’ve both dealt since the beginning, it’s a very silly one.
Whoever come first, they decide the position.
He knows I always lose everytime we do the foreplay. And I have no idea how he can move to sensual mode in ease. As if, he has two different Ben inside him.
‘Enough, Ben.’
My throat feels dry in sudden and all the blood in my body pumps altogether at one specific organ. He overstimulates it and I may come little bit early. So, I pat his shoulder softly and lift up his chin. I see white and sticky substances drools at the corner of his puffy lips. I think this is always my ultimate loss.
He smirks at me. And I reckunize that type of grin on his face. The smudge one.
“The usual, please.” Ben asks while moving to my right side. He loves the usual since it won’t make him passing out easily and I don’t hafta put my weight on him.
At first it’s not easy to slid my member to him in this position. But with a help of oily lubricant and self confident, I successfully take him to match my pace. When I start to move slowly, he hides his face on to the blanket. His left ear becomes so red like a ripped tomato. I give small kisses from his ear tip along to the collarbone. He shudders a bit.
I pull out to rotate his body so we could see each other face. He’s so beautiful even with the sweats all over his face. He clings by wrapping his arms around my neck again. One of his long leg sneaks in so his wet sticky member touches my stomach. Giving a nice and weird sensation of my skin. It adds up our body temperature.
“More, Cillian. More. Give me more, please.” He whispers in sultry voice.
I prepare him again and take him to another rainbow bridge.
‘I wish to be forever like this.’
Ben finally opens his voice after so many thrust I give to him. I’m still inside of him.
‘It’s so warm.’
I think he forgets I’m literally still inside of him. His words only trigger me more.
He looks worn out and sweat a lot. I caress his back and kiss his forehead. Then, forgetting his babbling. He definetely needs to rest now and I have to calm myself. I pull out seconds after and tug in the blanket to warm us.
There’s green in between blue sky I find inside Ben’s Noise right now. It brings strong impression of how he really is. A very amazing person. I pray for his life always. To be blessed with joy, love and content. Even when we’re long from the Old World now, everything feels the same. Those people... hurting the weak. I have no idea what will happen in our future. All I hope is a better one for you and for our son, Todd.
I lock him in my arms. As always.
Waiting till Todd’s cry resonating all over the house.
***
If I ever see myself in the next twenty years, it’s exactly not what I expect. But, every action needs its redemption. My body may decay but my soul lives forever. They let me to see my one of particular reuniting with the son I love so much. And Todd will never be alone too. He finally meets his one of particular too. Three of them could rebuild the society in this New World in better shape.
When Todd opens his first word, everybody cries. Even the Spackles.
I smile at him and I think he recognize my presence. Tears fall from his doe eyes and so does mine.
The first word he ever says to me is as short as when he’s a toddler.
‘Pa.’
Yes, son.
I believe we’ll all be reunited in better place.
THE END