Chapter Text
He woke up the next morning looking around the room confused before the events of last night came crashing back to him. He felt like shit, but that’s what usually happens when you cry yourself to sleep. He didn’t want to face his Dad. He felt bad for yelling at him, the guilt eating at him. So, he stood up from Peters bed and made his way to his room. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at the door before his Dad opened it and put his head in. “Morning.” He smiled but it was more like a grimace.
“Morning.” Harley mumbled his reply, not meeting his Dads eyes. His Dad took that as his cue to step into the room, closing the door behind him. “Listen, we need to talk about last night.”
“About the baby thing?” Harley looked up now, meeting his Dads gaze. “Because I’m still not happy about that.”
His Dad sighed, rubbing his temples. “Not exactly. More about what else you told me. About how you feel. You need to talk to someone.”
Harley rolled his eyes. “That’s rich coming from you.” Harley could tell he was getting on his Dads nerves, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he said last night, let alone talk about it.
“I know. But take that as a lesson. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Talk to someone about it.”
“Who? You? I’ll pass.” Harley sat down on his bed, grabbing his phone and opening it up, knowing that it’ll annoy his Dad.
“Hey look at me.” Tony raised his voice before taking a deep breath, knowing that Harley just wanted to piss him off in the hopes that he would drop the subject and leave. But Tony knew he needed to do this. “No not me. Steve.” “No way.” “I know he helped you out a few months ago, you opened up to him and he handled it a lot better than I did.” When he didn’t get a response he sighed, leaning against the wall. “Just give talking to Capsicle a go. Without Sam here, he’s the next best thing we’ve got. You said you only felt comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with… with Pete, and I believe that when it comes to talking about these things Steve is very similar. Even though he can be very annoying at times I do believe that he can help you.”
Harley stayed silent. He will admit that he did feel a little bit better last night once he said what he had been feeling for months. And he knew logically that talking to someone like Steve would help even more. He was much better at the whole ‘talking about emotions’ than his Dad was. “I’ll think about it.” He mumbled.
“Thank you.” His Dad gave him a sad smile before leaving, closing the door softly behind him. Harley didn’t know how his Dad was doing it. How he was still functioning after everything that had happened. It was probably Pepper. She was the one that always managed to pull his Dad out whenever he tried to shut himself away. He needed someone like Pepper now that Peter was gone.
Dinner that night was the same as it had been since Thanos. Small attempts at conversation, usually initiated by Pepper with little comments here and there from Harley and Tony. Usually Harley didn’t look up from his food unless being spoken to, wanting to get away to the safety of his room but tonight he kept glancing at his Dad. There’s still that haunted look in his eyes of a man that has seen too much. Harley doesn’t ask what happened on Titan. Doesn’t really want to know, not that his Dad would tell him even if he wanted to know. But whenever he and Pepper are talking, the haunted look is not as prominent, his love for Pepper shining through and making him look happier, close to how he looked before Thanos. Maybe talking to Steve might be a good idea.
The following weekend Harley found himself standing in front of the Compound, Happy having just dropped him off from the Tower. He didn’t really want to do this, but he knew he needed to talk to someone about this and Steve was the best option. He pushed the front glass doors open, Friday greeting him once he was inside, letting him know that Steve was waiting for him in the common room. “Hey Steve.” Harley greeted when he saw the man sitting on the couch in the common room sketching. “Harley its good to see you.” Steve smiled, but like everyone else it didn’t reach his eyes.
“You too.” Harley tried his best to return the smile.
“You had lunch yet?” Steve asked, standing up from the couch and placing his sketch book on the coffee table.
“Not hungry.”
“Just want to get this over and done with?” Steve had a small, but kind, smile on his face.
“Pretty much.” Harley gave a humourless laugh.
“Lets go somewhere more private.” Harley didn’t correct the man saying that there was hardly anyone here now anymore so every room was pretty much private, but he knew that was counterproductive so instead he followed Steve in silence.
“How is this going to work?” Harley asked as he and Steve made their way into Steve's study and sitting down on the couch.
“However you want.” Steve smiled, calming Harleys nerves a little.
“I don’t know.”
“We could start with what you and your Dad talked about the other night?” Steve suggested. Harley rolled his eyes.
“He told you what we talked about?”
“Not exactly. But that doesn’t matter. I would like you to tell me. If that is what you want.” Coming into this he didn’t plan on talking that much, trying to convince himself that the only reason that he was here is that it would get his Dad off his back. But, looking at Steve now, the kindness and understanding in his eyes, he’s reminded of Peter. And just by thinking that the words come tumbling out.
“I feel like everyone is forgetting Peter and I’m the only one making an effort to remember him. Did you know Dad took down all of Peters photos in the penthouse? Stored away his Science Fair trophy’s? It’s like he didn’t even exist.” Once Harley started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “And I understand that everyone grieves in different ways and whatever, but I need him to be there. I lost Peter too and I can’t keep pushing it down and avoiding bringing up Peter in front of him. I need to talk to someone about it. Someone who was as close to him as I am –“ he cut himself off realising his mistake. “Was.” He cleared his throat, blinking the tears away that threatened to spill the more he thought about Peter in past tense.
Steve stayed silent but that was all Harley needed. Someone to listen to him. “Did you know Pepper is pregnant?” At Steve’s little nod Harley continued. “He made it sound like a good thing. Like I should be happy about this. Sure, under different circumstances I would be happy, but this is the worst time. He’s replacing Peter. The snap was only a few months ago but he already has a new baby lined up to replace the hole that Peter left.” At Steve’s frown Harley continued. “Look I know what you’re going to say. I know Pepper was pregnant before all this but it’s just terrible timing. I feel like the world’s biggest jackass for not wanting this baby and not being happy for Dad and Pepper but it’s just the last thing I want right now.” Harley stopped, closing his eyes and taking a breath, trying to calm himself down when he realised, he was getting louder and louder the more he talked.
“And its not just Peter who’s gone. May, Ned, MJ, half of the Avengers. The only friend I have left is Harry, but I haven’t talked to him since it happened.” Harley paused, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands. “I love Peter, so much. I didn’t tell him that enough, but he always told me.” He smiled bitterly, shaking his head. “Why didn’t I? He’s my brother of course I love him.”
“He knows you do.” Steve said gently, speaking for the first time since Harley started. “You showed him that you loved him. You helped him with Spider-Man stuff, when he got hurt you were always the first one to try and help.”
“Yeah if you mean yelling at him as helping then sure.” Harley crossed his arms, slumping in his chair.
“You yelled because you were worried about him. And you only did that after you knew he was going to be okay. You’re a lot like Tony in that way. You know when Tony yells at you that’s his way of showing his worry right?” Harley nodded. “You do the same thing.” Steve waited for Harley to reply but when he didn’t, he continued. “I know its hard to be strong right now, but you have got people to support you. You can come talk to me anytime you want. Tony too.”
Harley scoffed. “Yeah right. Why do you think I’m here? Dad didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Couldn’t deal with it, so he sent me to you.”
“You don’t have to talk to him right away, but I do believe that talking to him about it will help.”
“I did talk about it with him.”
“You yelled at each other, you didn’t talk.” At Harleys glare Steve sighed. “Talk to him properly. Don’t fuel the conversation with anger. I do believe once the both of you have talked about what happened without anger clouding your judgement then you will both feel better.”
Harley shrugged, not wanting to admit that Steve may be right. “I think that’s enough for today.”
“Of course.” Steve smiled, but it was forced, and Harley suddenly felt bad. Steve lost people too. Bucky, Sam and Wanda. And here Harley was dumping all his problems on him.
“Thank you for listening to me.” Harley said it quietly as the two started to make their way out of Steve’s office but Steve heard it perfectly. “It really means a lot to me.”
Steve’s smile was a little sadder this time. “It’s no problem Harley.”
Harley knew that the reason he was spending the whole weekend up at the Compound was so that he and his Dad could get some space from each other. He didn’t need the whole weekend to talk to Steve, only an afternoon and that was all it took. He spent the rest of the weekend trying to keep himself busy. He first fixed Peters room. The one he destroyed. Yes, Steve did keep his promise to clean it after Harley left so it was clean, but it was too clean. Peters room was never clean. The posters were no longer on the walls, thanks to Harley ripping them off, but Harley did notice that the picture of him and Peter the night of Homecoming, was now in a new frame because Harley broke the one it was in before. Another thing he needed to thank Steve for.
He then spent a little over an hour in Peters room making it look like Peter could walk through the door any minute. Putting clothes on the floor, scattering the desk with that was left of the pend, pencils and papers Harley didn’t ruin last time he was here. He knew this wasn’t healthy, knew that this wouldn’t bring him back, but it did keep his mind busy. He regretted it as soon as he finished and quickly walked out of the room. That night Harley and Steve ate dinner together while watching TV. Some comedy was playing but Harley wasn’t really paying attention, but he was happy for the distraction. Once he finished his meal he looked over at Steve. “Are you going for a run tomorrow?”
Steve looked surprised at Harleys question. “Yes I am.”
“What time?”
“6am.” Harley frowned. “You still doing those 6am runs? God, I couldn’t think of anything worse.”
Steve let out a surprised laugh. “Well, I’ve got to keep up my stamina and a 6am run is a good warm up.”
“I guess old men like yourself have to keep on top of their health but surely there are other ways than a 6am run.”
Steve rolled his eyes at the old man comment. “I don’t see the problem with 6am runs, I like them.”
“Well I don’t so I was thinking we could go at, the earliest, 9am.” Harley didn’t look at Steve when he said it, instead focusing back on the TV.
“Yeah I could do 9am.” Harley was glad that Steve didn’t make a big deal out of him wanting to join him on his run. Instead just going with it. “But we have to meet out the front of the Compound at 8:55 so we can start at 9.”
Harley groaned. “I said 9am at the earliest meaning after 9am.”
Steve laughed again, shaking his head. “No, anything after 9 is too late.” He stood up grabbing his plate and Harleys, making his way over to the sink in the kitchen. “I’ll see you at 8:55 tomorrow morning.” Harley could hear the grin in his voice.
“I think I’m going to get an early night because someone wants to go for a run at 9am so goodnight.”
“Goodnight Harley.” He heard Steve call after him as he made his way down the hall to his room. Closing his door behind him, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts until he came across Harry’s name. He quickly pressed call before he could think about it anymore and not do it.
Harry picked up on the 5th ring. “Harley?”
Harley cleared his throat. “Hey Harry.” Harley didn’t know what to say. He knew why he called him but now that he was on the phone to him, he had no idea what he wanted or should say. “Um, I just wanted to check how you’ve been.” Harley winced after he finished talking.
“Well, yeah I’m doing okay.” Harley hummed in response. “My Dad’s not… gone, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Yeah, I just wanted to see if you’re all good. It’s been months and I haven’t called.”
“Hey, man its okay. I didn’t call either. Thought you might’ve been spending time with your Dad. Heard he got back safe considering.”
“Yeah he did.”
“And I’m sorry about the other Avengers man. I know you’re close with most of them.” Harry sounded sincere, nothing like his Dad Norman.
“How do you...?”
“Oh, the government released a statement informing the public on which Avengers survived and which… didn’t.”
“Oh, um, yeah I didn’t know about that. Thanks.”
“So how have you been?”
“Look, not great.” Harley closed his eyes, thankful that Harry couldn’t see him. “Ah, Pete was one of the unlucky ones.” He hated saying that out loud. He heard Harrys sharp intake of breath.
“Shit, man. God I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” Harley managed to choke out. He was trying so hard not to cry but he could hear Harry trying now too. The three of them grew up together. They went to the same primary school in Malibu and later the same high school in Queens. Sure, Peter wasn’t as close with Harry as Harley is, but they were still good friends. Harley wanted to change the subject. “Do you know what’s happening with school?” he knew it wasn’t a great subject to change it to, but it was better than talking about Peter. He’d done that enough today.
Thankfully Harry went along with it. “Uh, I think they’re starting up next month sometime? Maybe later. The government is still trying to deal with what’s happened. You’ll still be going to Midtown, right?”
“Yeah, I should be.” Harley hadn’t talked about school with his Dad, only being reminded of it when talking to Harry.
“Okay, well let me know otherwise.” Harley could hear someone shouting in the background from Harrys end, most likely his Dad. “Ugh, I’ve got to go.” Harry groaned. “Dad wants me but, I’ll talk to you soon okay?”
“Yeah of course.”
“Alright, night Harley.”
“Night.” Harley replied before Harry hung up. He was glad that he still had someone, his best friend. It did make things a little better knowing he had Harry to talk to as well. He got ready for bed, already regretting saying he would join Steve on his run.
“It’s too early.” Harley groaned as he and Steve started their run.
“Harley, it’s 9:30. We were supposed to start at 9.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still too early.”
“9:30 is not early.”
“Yes, it is.”
Steve shook his head, picking up the pace, Harley following his lead. He was starting to regret inviting himself on Steve’s run, but he wanted to find an outlet for this grief and anger. Steve had suggested running and last night Harley thought it was a good idea. Now, not so much. It wasn’t like Harley wasn’t athletic. Far from it actually. He just preferred not to exercise. When he was younger, he did sports after school and whatever like most kids but since he started high school, he didn’t enjoy it as much, so he just stopped. Plus, going to a STEM school, gym wasn’t his highest priority.
Half an hour into the run Harley started to tire. Keeping up with THE Captain America was hard and Harley knew Steve was slowing down his usual pace for him. “Are we nearly done?”
Steve looked over at him and gave a little laugh. “Not even close.”
“Ugh.” Harley groaned as he came to a stop. “Well, then I need a breather before we continue.” He braced himself against a tree, breathing deeply. “I don’t see how you can do this everyday.”
“Well –“
“Wait.” Harley cut him off. “I forgot you cheated.”
“Cheated?” Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Yeah. You cheated. Super solider serum. That’s cheating. You could stop exercising and eating healthy and nothing would change.”
Steve smiled, shaking his head. He was glad that he was starting to see the old Harley come out. The smartass Harley that was too much like his Dad. “Maybe I just enjoy running.”
Harley looked at him like he was crazy. “No one likes running.”
“I think you’d be surprised. C’mon.” He pulled on Harleys arm, dragging him away from the tree. “Let’s get back to it.”
"Ugh, I hate you.” There was no real heat to his words as he started jogging alongside Steve again.
“Hey, you’re the one that wanted to come.”
“Yes, and now I’m owning up to my mistake. I’ll never come on a run with you again.”
The run finally came to an end an hour later. Harley knew that they ran the same track that Steve usually did but it took a lot longer because Harley wasn’t enhanced like Steve so running a long ass track wasn’t easy. But he would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t feel better after doing it. The frustration he felt towards his Dad, the anger and sadness of losing Peter didn’t feel as prominent anymore. The run was a welcome distraction.
His Dad picked him up on the Monday. He felt a lot better after his talk and run with Steve, but the sadness was still there. He knew that feeling would never really go away. “Did it help?” His Dad asked when they pulled out onto the road, making their way back to the Tower.
“Yeah it did actually. I still miss him though.” Harley blinked the tears away. He was tired of crying.
“We will always miss him.” Harley nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would turn into a sobbing mess. They sat in silence for around 20 minutes, Harley trying to build up the courage for what he was about to say, trying to push his emotions down so he wouldn’t end up crying.
“I want to talk about Peter.” He blurted out, looking out the front window instead of his Dad. “Talking with Steve did help but I want to talk to you about it.” Tony didn’t reply straight away, his brain trying to process what Harley just said. He didn’t like to think about Peter much less talk about him. The guilt was too much, eating him up from the inside, his mind whispering you should have done more, it should have been you. He hated thinking about his baby boy, fading away in his arms on some random planet so far away from home. His last words to him had been you’re alright. Hardly any comfort in that. He had no idea what to say, his mind repeating not him, please not him. Anyone but him. He didn’t comfort Peter, but he has the chance with Harley.
“Or not, I don’t care.” Harley said when his Dad didn’t answer. He was losing his courage now, trying to back track. “It doesn’t matter –“
“Okay.” That stopped Harleys rambling. God when did he start to ramble? That was Peters thing. Harley was the cool, calm and collected one out of the two.
“Okay?” he repeated.
“Yeah. Okay. I think this talk is long overdue.” Harley nodded, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Good, this is progress.
Once they arrived back at the tower, the two made their way to Harleys room after saying a brief hello to Pepper. They both sat down on the bed not knowing what to say. Harley could count on one hand the amount of ‘emotional’ conversations he’s had with his Dad. They were both similar in the sense that they didn’t open up easily, always needing someone else, Peter for Harley and Pepper for Tony, to start the conversation.
“All I want is for you remember Peter with me. Don’t just pretend he didn’t exist. I want to talk about him with you without you shutting me down. I want to put his photos back up, I want to remember him. And I know there are others like Steve who I can talk to but only you understand when it comes to Peter. And I know you don’t like talking about what happened… up there.” Harley didn’t say Titan, knowing the way Tony freezes up when someone says it, his eyes glossing over, flashing back to Peters last moments. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about Peter, at least with me.” Harley finished, waiting for Tony to reply.
To Harley it seemed to take an excruciating long time for Tony to reply. His mind screaming that he screwed up, that it was too soon, cursing Steve for suggesting it. Before he could get up and leave, going anywhere his Dad wasn’t he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at his Dad and noticed the tears in his eyes, but like true Stark fashion he was refusing to let them fall. “I know I haven’t been handling this well. Hell, I never handle anything well really, but I never thought I would have to deal with… this.” He ran a hand down his face, shoulders slumped, grief making him look so much older. “But, I’ll try. I’ll stop avoiding it and whenever you want to talk, we will, okay?”
Harley smiled. “Yeah. Thank you.”
“Come here kid.” Tony pulled Harley into his side, hugging him and rubbing his hand up and down his back. “I love you kiddo. So much.” He whispered into Harleys hair, closing his eyes.
“I love you too Dad.” Harleys chest felt so much lighter and he breathed a sigh of relief.
“But,” he said pulling back from the hug. “I really want you to try and be happy about this baby.”
Harleys good mood diminished at the mention of the baby, but he nodded his head anyway, not wanting to ruin this progress. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all I ask.” Tony pulled him in again, kissing his head before standing up. “There is something else that I wanted to talk to you about though.” Harley nodded, waiting for him to continue. “Its about the wedding.”
Right. The wedding. It was planned for May but Thanos happened and the wedding didn’t. “When is it?”
“We were thinking in two weeks.”
“Wait-“
“I know it’s late notice, but with everything that’s happened we think the wedding will help.” Harley didn’t want to argue. He was finally feeling better than he had in months, his anger more controlled and his loss no longer crushing him like before.
“Okay, yeah sounds good.” Harley forced a smile.
And that’s where Harley found himself two weeks later, standing next to his Dad at the alter along with Happy and Rhodey. It was a simple wedding. Very private with only a few guests. Harley put on a smile, happy for his Dad and Pepper but there should’ve been someone else up here next to Harley. Another Groomsmen for his Dad. Someone who was so excited when his Dad proposed. Someone who was shocked and over the moon at being asked to be a groomsman. Harley blinked the tears away, pushing those thoughts out of his head and smiled as Pepper came walking down the aisle.
She looked gorgeous, wearing a simple but elegant dress, her hair loose and curled slightly at the ends. Harley snuck a look at his Dad and smiled, this time not having to force one. His Dad was smiling widely, eyes glistening with unshed tears. Harley hadn’t seen him this happy in months and now he understands why the wedding was a good idea. They are all able to forget the hell that the past few months have been and instead focus on something happy.
Tony and Pepper exchanged vows before sharing a loving kiss. The guests applauded and the two walked down the aisle together. The reception was small too and didn’t go too late. Rhodey made a speech as Best Man, filled with stories from his and Tony’s MIT days. Tony and Pepper danced and mingled with the guests while Harley tried to keep himself busy most of the night. It wasn’t too hard because he was having a good time but lulls in conversations caused his mind to wander to the void he’d been trying not to think about for one night. He quickly picked it back up or distracted himself with the music that was playing.
The night ended with Tony and Pepper leaving the reception to enjoy their first night as man and wife, while Harley stayed back to help clean up. Rhodey kept telling him that he could go home, that they had people to do this, but Harley liked the distraction, he needed it, especially tonight. Instead of saying that, he just told him he liked cleaning. Rhodey frowned but dropped the topic and started helping Harley clean. The two didn’t talk but Harley appreciated the support that his presence brought.
It was three weeks after the wedding when his Dad suggested the idea of moving out of the Tower and to someplace quieter. Harley knew he meant someplace where everywhere he looked, he wasn’t reminded of the son he lost. Yes, he was making progress with talking about Peter with Harley, some photos have gone back up, but he wasn’t there yet. Probably never would be and that’s fine but, Harley wasn’t too happy about moving.
His life was changing too much and too quickly. Sure, there was nothing he could do about it and his Dad was trying to make things as normal as possible when Harley was around, but the smiles were hardly genuine and some nights he can still hear Tony crying with Pepper. But Harley wanted to stay here. He wanted to be reminded of Peter, no matter how much it hurt sometimes. He didn’t want to lock the memories of Peter away in a little box and push it to the back of his mind like his Dad was trying to do. But Harley didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Sure, his Dad posed it as a suggestion, but he knew it was going to happen whether Harley was happy with it or not. So, he sucked it up, put a smile on his face, and agreed that it was time for a change of place.