Chapter Text
“Hey, Killua”,
His voice was deeper now, but whenever he said his name like that it always got a bit more high.
Like the phrase was so light it just came out riding higher on the air. Not sounding quite like it did back when everything was light with them-- not sounding quite like it did when Gon WAS his light. But sounding like it remembered, and wanted to call the memories back.
“Yeah?”
“I'm sorry.”
Killua craned his neck towards Gon. He was lying on his back, but Gon pinned his hands under his head, staring at him alert and intense. Killua couldn't help but blush a little
This, too, was a new Gon. He was quiet and pensive, despite his eyes. He seemed upset, seemed a little mad, but it didn't seem like he was going to suddenly charge into some spontaneous action. Killua wasn't sure what to make of that, but he wasn't going to complain if Gon had suddenly developed the capacity to actually consider a thought.
“What for?” he asked, genuinely confused.
“Just...” Gon's eyes narrowed more. They kept their aim square on Killua, but glazed over somewhat. Killua knew THAT one. He was thinking of a problem he couldn't quite solve-- and it wasn't a fun one.
“I just...!!” his voice went high suddenly-- not like he was crying, just annoyed.
He looked at him and sat up a bit, leaning his chest at him. It reminded Killua of another time he'd done that.
He almost expected Gon to say it again: I think it's fun to be your friend, but instead
“I want to hold your hand!” he said, too loud, just barely under a shout.
“Um.” he replied. Already he could feel the blush creeping up his neck.
Then he heard Alluka shift. “UM,” he said again. He shot upwards, meeting Gon halfway.
“Idiot!”, he whispered. “Keep it down! If you wake up Alluka I'll kick your ass”
It came out too harsh for what he'd meant, but if Alluka woke up this conversation would be at an end. She'd get curious, and they'd have to circle around her or turn her away, and Killua didn't feel like doing that.
Anyway, Gon's soft smile was his response-- but as soon as it came, it was gone, kicked out by some other thought.
Killua got up.
“Come on,” he whispered, and quietly strolled outside, past Alluka's bed, past the closet and bathroom, into the brisk night air and the open balcony that made up the hotel hall. Behind him, he heard Gon click the door shut.
They bent over the balcony, leaning out and looking down into the night. If there were other hotel customers around, they didn't notice, but anyway it was almost 3 AM.
Killua stretched out his hand lightly towards Gon. Tried hard to look nonchalant. He was pretty sure he succeeded, but he was also sure it didn't matter—he had no cards left to hide. He was just doing it out of habit.
Gon looked at his hand. His hand came up. Came to rest on the concrete instead. Killua lowered his hand, too.
“That's what I mean.” Gon said.
“You know I can't actually understand anything if you don't explain, right?” he responded-- not quite annoyed, not yet.
Gon snickered at him, but it didn't seem all that funny.
“I'm really selfish, Killua.”
“Well, yeah, I already knew that” he said, haughty and pompous. Gon's ringing laugh came again.
“Well, I mean...it's pretty bad”
“And I already knew THAT.” his voice was swelling with prideful arrogance, but it was based on how right he was, and it was fun. He poked a look at Gon out of the corner of his eye.
“So will you just tell me what's eating you up? I've seen you when you're bad, it's not like I need the disclaimer.”
There was silence. The night felt full and alive—like it was waiting for one more spark to come alight.
“I think it scares me that you like me.”
Killua blinked. Huh?
“Huh?”
Gon wasn't looking at him-- but off into the night. Old habits die hard.
Or maybe it was just easier this way.
“Like. I think I like you. But when I think that you like me too, that there's stuff you might want to...” his voice was getting small. So small. “...to do. It makes it hard to want you.”
Killua stared at him. Gon had always been ridiculous, and Gon had always been selfish. But this wasn't quite either of those things. Killua understood that much.
“Man. When even you have to admit you're selfish, it IS really bad.” he said.
Killua just couldn't help himself sometimes. When you saw a snipe, you had to snipe.
He regretted it, though, when he saw the way Gon flinched. Like he'd expected it but it still hurt.
“I'm pretty bad, yeah...” he said, striving for humor, but Killua cut him off.
“Hey, Hey, I was kidding!” he said a little too loudly. “Don't take me so seriously when I'm having some fun, sheesh...”
He rested his chin on his hand.
“I don't mind.” he said.
Gon was quiet, but he could feel his eye looking at him just out of frame. They were snatching glances at each other, too shy to face these broken pieces and figure out how they fit face to face just yet.
Well, at least now Killua wasn't the only one.
He continued.
“I followed you around for like three years, Gon. Do you know why?”
“Because we're friends, right?”
“No. Because you wanted me to.”
Gon was turned towards him now. Surprised to actually hear the words, he guessed.
“I had everything my whole life. Money, stuff, time-- I could do whatever I wanted, except I didn't want to do my job. Besides that, though, I had nothing. Except I met you.”
The words were coming again, now. Killua remembered how, years ago, he's kept all the words still and shut in his heart. Back then, he'd felt that, once he'd started, he might never stop. He'd turned out to have been mostly right about that. The words were coming on their own now, just like last time.
“You wanted me around, and that was all I needed. Those three years, I wasn't just tagging along. I was yours. And even after, I was still kind of yours. I can't just be by myself, Gon. I don't work that way. It had to be you or it had to be Alluka, but now I get that it kind of has to be both of you. The ways you own me are too different for just one of you to really be enough.”
Honesty had a kind of appeal, Killua decided. Gon was looking at him, too stunned to blush. Didn't matter. There was more to say.
“I spent my life learning how to take from people. That was all I knew how to do. But you?
I met you, and there were all sorts of things you wanted from me. You wanted me for help, you wanted me for jokes, you wanted me to laugh with and laugh at. It was. It was different. And it was nice, you know? To be able to give back. I just did it because it was fun, and you were fun. But eventually, you said thank you. You said you needed me—you said it couldn't be anyone else. You said I was special.”
He wasn't crying. That was a surprise, to be honest.
“No one had ever just given me anything, either. But whatever you took, you paid back double when you said that stuff. It was so good. It was better than anything.”
There was an arm around his waist now. It wasn't romance, it wasn't lust, it wasn't even friendship.
Killua knew Gon well enough to know what it was. For now, there was just memory, and love.
He thought about trying to take Gon's hand, then thought better of it. Better let him do it instead.
“I've been thinking about it, ever since you started telling me about that stuff. I kinda think you were the opposite of me.” he said.
Gon's “Huh?” almost made him laugh. So genuinely nonplussed. He loved that sound so much.
“Well, with you, it was all about what you gave. They asked you for... stuff, and you gave it to them, because it didn't even occurr to you to know better. You were doing what they asked, that was all.”
Gon wasn't looking at him anymore. The arm was laxer around him, but still it remained.
“It's fine that when you got the chance, you wanted to take. It made me happy, and I didn't mind. It still makes me happy, really. As long as you're careful. If you try to take enough that it would hurt Alluka, I'll stop you.--
“I WOULD STOP!” Gon interrupted—LOUDLY, too loudly, jesus christ someone was going to come ask about this. Gon seemed to realize this, kind of, and so his yelling was less loud for the rest of it. Marginally. “I don't want to hurt you again! And I care about Alluka, too. It's not just you anymore. That wouldn't be fair!” he wasn't going to stop unless Killua stopped him.
“Alright, alright, keep it down, will you? Jeez,” he shot. “It's not like I don't already know that. Though it's still nice to have you say so.”
Gon's determined frown softened like hardened clay: Slowly at first, like the water didn't make a dent, and then all at once. It broke apart into a soft smile, maybe not exuberant, but not really vulnerable or sad. Killua's heart swelled. A little. Only a little. Really.
“Listen, Gon, I'm gonna be honest.”
“That's new.”
“Shut up and listen, then!” that giggle of Gon's came again,
“Anything anyone could possibly do with someone else, like that, I mean? I've probably thought about doing with you, already.”
The tenseness in Gon's arm went up so much he may as well have turned to rock. He had to make this fast.
“It doesn't matter.”
Gon was looking at him with that look again. Surprise and interest, like he'd just found out what the world was really made of.
“Nothing I do is worth anything to me if I have to take it. If I have to ask for it, really. It only counts if you give it to me freely. Because you wanna.” he went on. “Otherwise, it wouldn't be any fun.”
Gon's response was long and muted: “Mmmm...”
“So if you decide there's something you wanna do, or at least try, then do it. Or like, maybe tell me first, or something. If it turns out to be fun, we can do it more. If you don't like it once we start, we can quit it. I already wanna do pretty much anything, but this is already good enough for me, so...”
Shyly, slowly, he tried to lean into Gon's hold a little bit more. Gon jumped a little at first, and Killua stopped immediately. Gon got the picture—the boy had always understood action better than words. His smile drew itself out slowly and lax. He shifted a little, getting behind Killua altogether, wrapping a second arm around him at the stomach. Holding him close. He rested his chin against the crook of Killua's shoulder, and Killua simply couldn't help himself—his head arched back and rested softly against Gon's like a magnet drawn into the place it was meant to be locked.
Luckily, just this once, Gon didn't seem to mind.
“We don't need to figure it all out at once. And you don't need to do anything because I want you to.
I always liked it better this way, anyway.”
They stood that way for a little bit. Night air on dry skin; bare legs just covered by Gon's shorts and Killua's boxers. The thin fabric of Gon's chest rubbing against Killua's back—Gon's arm rubbing against the fabric on his stomach.
They looked at the stars.
Eventually, Gon spoke:
“Killua.....”
“Yeah?”
“You've gotten a lot better at saying the embarassing stuff.”
“What!! You idiot”, he snapped his head to the side, away from Gon again. “You try and open up a little, and this--”
But Gon was squeezing him closer, and his head was following his neck, and suddenly his neck was warm again, the curve of Gon's nose pressed against the curl of his shoulder. Gon's short hunt had been an undebatable success: Killua lost his thoughts and then his breath. He settled back into it, tamed. He smiled.
“Yeah, I have.”
They managed to stay like that a while. It was pleasant and nice. Killua didn't bother counting the minutes. Eventually, Gon was trembling a little again, but that was fine. They both knew it was fine. Still, Killua couldn't help but sigh a little. He spoke up.
“I think you should talk to Leorio about this stuff sometime.”
Gon perked up, questioning.
“I mean, he's a doctor, right? He would know how to help better than I would. Maybe.” he added. Paused. Added fast, “If you want help, I mean! It's not like I--”
“Yeah. I think you're right.” Gon said. “I miss Leorio, anyway. And Kurapika. I wonder how they are.”
There was a bit more quiet. Gon's shakes had gone away, but only in the distraction of the thought. They'd be back faster now. He could feel it.
“I'll call tomorrow, maybe.”
“Alright.”
Killua drew himself away from Gon. He didn't want them to make a habit of cutting it off only when it got bad.
“It's late, Gon. Let's go inside.”
“Hehe, alright, Killua.”
Their soft smiles played off each other like mirrors shining in the night. They'd figure it out in the end.
Killua almost got to spend a whole night without wanting to dissapear from embarassment, but alas, as Gon turned to the door, his heart sank like a stone and he realized their grave misstep.
“Killua...”
“Neither of us got the key card, did we.”
“Yeah.”