Chapter Text
“Do you want to sit down?” Regina suggests. She looks as though she’s relieved herself of some huge weight. She doesn’t look happy, exactly, but a lot of the tension in her face is gone.
Emma nods, her head still spinning. She’s still trying to process. Regina’s not mad at her about Robin. Regina doesn’t blame her for what happened.
Regina loves her.
Regina loves her.
Why didn’t you tell me earlier? she wants to say. Why didn’t you tell me a year ago? When I still had a choice?
When we could have been together?
But she understands, deeply, why Regina didn’t. Talking about things is hard, and she was with Hook, because… fuck, she’s an idiot.
They sit at one of Granny’s outdoor tables. It reminds Emma of her second kiss with Hook, after their time travel adventure. The cool breeze, the fairy lights, it’s all the same.
Except the feeling had been different. When Hook told her he traded his ship for her, it had felt good, knowing that she mattered so much to another person… but it also felt like pressure. Commitment. Like she owed him something, was bound to him somehow.
Now, being with Regina like this, she feels…
She doesn’t know how she feels. Confused, mainly. And nervous. She forces herself to sit still, not to let her foot tap against the table leg.
“Where do you want to start?” she asks.
Regina thinks for a moment. “How about we start with why you wanted your wedding to happen so quickly?”
“Right. That.” She hadn’t even considered, when she made the call, how much stress it would put on everyone else. She wouldn’t have done it, if she’d considered that.
She looks at her hands, then back at Regina. “Everyone already thinks I’m not going to go through with this,” she says quietly. “If I move the date back, that’ll just prove them right.”
“What they think isn’t important,” Regina says. “It’s what you think that matters. It’s your wedding, Emma.”
“Yeah. But the problem is…” She takes a deep breath. “I kind of… don’t want to. Go through with it.”
Regina’s eyebrows fly up, and Emma rushes to explain. “It’s the commitment thing,” she says. “I know Killian’s a great guy, and I’m lucky to have him. I just… it scares me, knowing that it’s forever.”
Regina narrows her eyes. “Are you sure this is your fear of commitment talking?”
“Seriously? You know me. I run all the time.”
“So you say,” Regina says, looking at her thoughtfully. “But… that’s not something I’ve associated with you for a long time.”
Emma frowns, remembering their argument earlier that day. “You said—”
“I know what I said,” Regina says with a sigh. “I was angry, and I was wrong. You’re not really that much of a runner. At least, you haven’t been since I’ve known you.”
“What are you talking about?” Emma asks, genuinely confused.
“You’ve always stayed when it mattered,” Regina argues. “You stayed in Storybrooke in the first place because of Henry. You came back to Storybrooke to fight Zelena because you knew it was the right thing to do, and because it was what Henry would want. You stayed in Storybrooke after we defeated Zelena because of your family.” She looks at Emma steadily. “You’ve always stayed for the important things.”
Emma opens her mouth, ready to refute Regina’s argument, to find an example when she did run from something important… but she can’t. Regina’s right: Emma has stayed all of the times she mentioned, no matter how badly she wanted to run.
The only thing Regina doesn’t realize is that she was always one of the important things. Emma stayed for her family, yes, and because it was her duty… but also because she never wanted to leave Regina behind.
It gives her an entirely new way of thinking about things, about herself. For her entire relationship with Hook, she’s always thought she was running away from him. But maybe, just maybe… she was running towards Regina instead.
“Besides,” Regina says, “after everything you went through to get Hook back, I can’t imagine how he could think that you might leave him. You went to hell for him, for God’s sake.”
It’s like a bucket of cold water is splashed on Emma. “Yeah,” she mumbles. “Yeah, I did.”
And this is why things could never work between them. Because even after everything, she still chose him.
And Regina would still hate her if she knew why.
But maybe she deserves that. Maybe it would help Regina let go of Emma, if she told her. And then Emma could make the choice she needs to make. It might ruin their friendship in the process… but again, maybe she deserves that.
Maybe Regina deserves better.
“The thing is,” she says, forcing the words out of her mouth, “I didn’t… I know everyone thinks I did that because of true love, or whatever. But it was more complicated than that.”
“How do you mean?” Regina asks after a pause.
“It wasn’t… I should go back a bit, I guess,” Emma says. “Starting with after I became the Dark One, because that’s when things between us got really serious. I mean, they were kind of getting serious before that, but it wasn’t, like… violate his soul, cover up his murder, drag your family to hell for him serious. That’s a whole different Facebook status.”
“One that wouldn’t get much use, I imagine,” Regina says, raising an eyebrow.
“Not outside of Storybrooke, anyway,” Emma says.
Regina smiles briefly. “So,” she says. “What about when you were the Dark One?”
“It’s not just… evil impulses, or whatever.” She drums her fingers against the table, trying to think of how to explain it. “It messes with your head. Makes you think stuff you don’t want to think.”
She closes her eyes. “I started thinking all these horrible things,” she says. “Like… like maybe my family only loved me because I’m the Saviour. And maybe they wouldn’t love me when they figured out that I… kind of liked the darkness.”
She opens her eyes again, but Regina doesn’t look surprised, nor does she look like she’s judging her. She’s just listening.
Emma keeps going. “But Hook never cared about me being the Saviour. He never looked at me like I was evil. And I thought… okay, at least there’s one person who will love me even if everyone finds out I’m like this. Because I could lie to him. He never figured out I was turning dark.” She rolls her eyes. “I mean, I told him I didn’t want to let go of the darkness because I was scared to move in with him.”
“And he believed that?” Regina asks incredulously.
Emma nods. “Yeah, he bought it.”
“You needed someone you could lie to,” Regina says. “Someone who wouldn’t push you.”
“I know it sounds bad,” Emma says, which is an understatement. “But yeah, pretty much.”
Her shoulders slump. “Then he almost died. And I…” She looks up at Regina. “I couldn’t handle it,” she says bluntly.
“Well, that’s understandable,” Regina says. “You loved him.”
Her tone is kind, reassuring, but it only makes Emma feel worse. “Not exactly,” she says reluctantly. “I mean, yeah, I loved him, but that’s not… that’s not all of it.”
Regina tilts her head, listening.
Emma sighs. “The thing about the darkness is it gives you tunnel vision. It’s like the only things that matter are you and what you want more than anything. That’s it. And everything else… it’s just not important anymore.”
“And what you wanted more than anything was him,” Regina says, and Emma can tell she’s fighting to keep the hurt out of her tone.
“Not exactly him,” Emma says. “I wanted… I wanted someone who would be there for me no matter what. Which meant someone I could lie to, like you said.”
Regina nods slowly, and Emma can tell she wants to interrupt with something kind, something Emma doesn’t deserve to hear. She pushes forward. “So I saved him, and… well, that caused a lot of problems. Because what Hook wanted most wasn’t me. It wasn’t love. It was revenge.” She remembers what Hook said to her—calling her nothing more than a pretty, blonde distraction—and her stomach twists. Even after all this time, it still hurts.
“That’s horrible,” Regina says, her voice low and angry. “That he would choose revenge over you.”
“It’s not his fault,” Emma says. “Not entirely. Like I said, being the Dark One gives you tunnel vision. That applied to him as much as it did to me.”
Regina purses her lips. “It still isn’t right.”
“Yeah, I know,” Emma says. “And neither is what I did to him. I was horrible to him, and he was horrible to me, but we both get it, and we decided to move on from it.” They know the worst parts of each other, and they’re still together. That should count for something, right?
“Did you talk about it?” Regina asks.
“I mean… not really,” Emma says, and then she sighs. “No. Not at all. But it wasn’t his fault. He brought it up once, but I didn’t want to talk about it.”
Regina looks like this doesn’t surprise her at all.
“When the darkness was out of me,” Emma continues, “I thought it would go back to normal right away, but it didn’t. For a long time, it was like Hook was all I could think about. Like getting him back was the goal, and it was all I could deal with. I don’t… I don’t remember a lot of it,” she admits. “But I know what I did, and I know who got hurt.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Regina says again.
“Except it was,” Emma says. “At least some of it. But everyone forgave me anyway, because you all thought I did it out of true love.” It’s the only reason why they would put up with any of what she did. Everyone in her family, including Regina, understands doing desperate, even evil things for the sake of true love. But doing those things out of pure, horrible selfishness? They’d have no reason to forgive that.
Emma braces herself for the condemnation she deserves. Instead of agreeing with her, though, Regina just looks confused. “What are you talking about? That’s not why we forgave you.”
Emma frowns, confused. “But then why…”
“Because we love you,” Regina says clearly. “Because Robin is an adult who made his own choices. It’s not as though you meant to hurt him.”
“But it doesn’t matter what I meant to do,” Emma says. “I get it now. I ruined your life. Like I always do.”
“You don’t ruin my life,” Regina says softly. “You make it better.”
“No, I don’t,” Emma says, her voice rising as her frustration with herself spills over. “Everything I do messes up your life! I thought you should bring Robin back, and that made things worse! I encouraged you to split off the Queen, and that made things worse! The last time I did anything good for you was when I became the Dark One to protect your happy ending, and look how bad I messed that up.”
“You didn’t mess it up,” Regina says, and her eyes are so warm. “But even if you did, it wouldn’t change anything. Hook isn’t the only person who loves you for who you are, not because you’re the Saviour.”
And just like that, they’re back to Regina’s feelings. Guilt sweeps over Emma again at the reminder, and she breaks Regina’s gaze, shifts uncomfortably in her chair.
Regina leans forward, looking anxious, as though she thinks she said something wrong. “I want you to know,” she says quickly, “that me having feelings for you isn’t why I think you should postpone your wedding. I realize that you don’t… that you don’t return those feelings, and I’ve made my peace with that.”
Emma swallows hard. This isn’t fair to Regina at all. The only thing Emma wants to do is make Regina happy. Let her know she’s loved too.
But she can’t tell her, because…
Wait, why can’t she? Regina isn’t mad at her. She knows Emma doesn’t love Hook, and she’s still here…
“I just want to know that you’re happy,” Regina says, and she clearly means it. She looks like she truly is prepared to go the rest of her life believing that Emma doesn’t love with her, if it means Emma gets to be happy.
Emma’s heart hurts and hurts, and the longer she looks into Regina’s sad, guilty eyes, the worse it gets.
Regina keeps talking, seemingly unnerved by Emma’s continued silence. “And I don’t ever, ever want you to feel that I expect anything—”
“I love you.”
Regina stops abruptly, her eyes widening in shock. They look at each other for a few moments, Emma not fully believing that she just said what she did… but the look on Regina’s face proves it.
“What… what do you mean by that?” Regina asks carefully.
“You know,” Emma whispers. “You know what I mean.”
Regina’s mouth opens. She looks like she’s having trouble processing what Emma’s saying, or like maybe she doesn’t believe her.
“I didn’t realize it at first,” Emma rambles, “because I’m an idiot. But that whole time when I was running after you, wanting you to be my friend… I just felt so much better around you. But by the time I realized that, it was too late. But I want you to know you’re not alone in what you feel,” Emma says. “You never were.”
Emma can see the moment it hits Regina: this is real, Emma means it, Emma really does love her—and Regina closes her eyes, presses a hand to her mouth. She looks… shocked, and relieved, and happy, and it’s the most beautiful thing Emma has ever seen.
But when Regina opens her eyes a few moments later, there’s only resignation in them. She still doesn’t believe that this will change anything. She still doesn’t think Emma will choose her.
And the worst part is, she’s not wrong.
Because Emma remembers the other reason why she didn’t want to tell Regina. Why she thought she never could.
Regina looks at her with so much worry, so much concern, so much hope, and Emma’s heart beats so fast she thinks it’ll pound right out of her ribcage, and she can’t—
She can’t—
It’s too much. She turns and runs, Regina calling behind her. She gets in her car and drives away, hating herself the entire time, and wishing she knew how to stop.
It’s the running that convinces her. Hearing the words I’m in love with you from Emma felt like a dream. But the fear and self-loathing on Emma’s face as she ran away? That’s reality.
Regina’s not sure how to begin processing any of this. One part of her is giddy that Emma loves her back, but another part of her aches with sympathy for her. Loving someone else and thinking they don’t love you is a horribly lonely feeling. She doesn’t wish that on anyone, especially not Emma, and it pains her to think of her friend feeling that way.
She’s also confused. If Emma loves her, why the hell is she planning to marry someone else in two days?
Perhaps she loves Hook vastly more than she loves Regina. But if she doesn’t… if she has some other reason to choose him…
Another feeling takes the forefront: concern. Emma hadn’t looked at her like she’d come to a glorious realization and would immediately drop Hook to be with her. Even if she had, Regina wouldn’t have thought that was a good idea (as much as part of her would have loved to take her up on it).
Emma had looked absolutely terrified. She’ll come back eventually, like she always does, but in the meantime… Regina doesn’t think she would do anything drastic, but she would feel much better if she knew where Emma is.
She drives to Emma’s house and doesn’t see her car there. She drives to the Sheriff’s station, but doesn’t find her there either. She even drives past the Charmings’ loft: still nothing.
Her heart starts to pound. Should she drive out to the town line? Into the woods? She takes out her phone, checking for a text from Emma even though she didn’t feel a vibration—
Her phone. Of course. She opens the location app Emma installed last year and checks her location, waiting impatiently for the few seconds it takes for the app to load. When it does, she sees that Emma’s little dot is parked right outside…
Right outside Regina’s house?
Regina drives home as quickly as she can. She parks in her own driveway and looks over at Emma’s car, violently yellow in the light of the streetlamp by the curb. Despite what the tracker showed her, it’s a relief to have it confirmed, to see Emma sitting in her car and looking back at her.
Regina goes over and taps gently on the car window. Emma looks up at her and mouths, It’s unlocked.
She lets herself in and sits in the passenger seat. Emma stares at the steering wheel, her hands clamped around it so tightly the knuckles are white, as though if she doesn’t anchor herself to something, she’ll float away… or run and never come back.
“Sorry,” she says softly.
“It’s okay,” Regina says.
“It isn’t, though.” Emma turns to Regina. “I did mean it, you know.”
“I know.”
“But I can’t…” Emma takes a breath. “I don’t…”
“I know,” Regina says again. Emma does love Hook, even if it’s not true love. And Emma isn’t the kind of person who would need true love to choose someone.
“No, you don’t.” Emma looks at her hands again. “I messed up,” she says quietly. “I get that now. But I don’t know how to fix it.”
She sounds so young and so old all at once. Vulnerable and afraid, jaded and exhausted.
“Then let’s fix it. Together.” Regina reaches out and places her hand near Emma’s. “We can figure this out. We’ve figured out all sorts of things together. Monsters and curses and… and parenting a teenager.”
Emma smiles at that, just a little.
“We can figure this out too,” Regina says. “You and me. We can do it.”
It takes a while, but then Emma puts her hand on Regina’s. “It’s complicated,” she warns her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Regina asks, pretty sure she knows the answer.
“Not really,” Emma says with a sigh. “But I think I have to.”
“Why don’t you come in,” Regina says, “and I’ll finally get that drink.”
“Cider?” Emma asks.
“Does that suit you?”
The corners of Emma’s mouth quirk up. “Sure, why not?”
They enter the house together and make their way to Regina’s study, where Regina pours them both generous helpings of cider. They sit down together on the couch, side by side, but turned towards each other.
To Regina’s surprise, Emma is the one to break the silence. “You remember when I said I don’t care about wedding stuff?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not just wedding stuff,” she says, turning her glass around in her hands—which are trembling, Regina notices. “I don’t care about… well, a lot of things. At least not as much as I should.”
“How do you mean?” Regina asks.
“Like… the idea of being with Hook forever is… it’s scary,” Emma says. “But it’s not as terrifying as it would be before. I thought that was a good thing. Maybe it’s finally as easy as it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’m letting my walls down, or whatever, like Hook always says.”
She stares into her cider, swirls it around in her glass. “But it’s getting harder,” she says. “Especially since the final battle, because now it’s all… it’s all real, you know? I’m going to survive. This wedding is actually gonna happen.” She talks more rapidly, swirls her cider more vigorously until a drop flies out onto her dress. She doesn’t even notice. “And it’s like I’m going backwards. I’m not getting better. I’m just getting more stressed out. It’s affected how I feel about everything.” She looks at Regina. “Even you.”
She sighs, seeming to lose all her energy in one breath, and puts her glass on the table. “Before I became the Dark One, you were basically all I could think about. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted to make you happy. And I’m not sure I know how to do that anymore. I don’t even feel like I know how to be happy anymore.
“I love you,” Emma says helplessly, and the pain in her voice cuts into Regina like a knife. “I love you as best I can. And I think that at one point, maybe I could’ve been good for you. I should never have been with Hook, I get that. But now… I just don’t know if I can be enough for you.”
“There is no version of you,” Regina says quietly, “that would not be more than enough for me. None, Emma.”
“But you feel things so much,” Emma says, and her voice is brimming with awe, with admiration. “You love so strongly, and you give so much of yourself, and I can’t do that anymore.”
It’s surreal for Regina to hear Emma talk about her wild, intense emotional state, something she’s long thought of as one of her worst qualities, as though it’s some unimaginable goal. Something to strive for, not something to fight against.
“If I thought I could get it back, feel like that again…” Emma shakes her head. “But it’s been months, and I feel worse than ever.”
“You need to give yourself more time,” Regina argues. She puts her untouched cider on the table and takes Emma’s hands in hers. “You’ve spent all these months trying to force yourself to be in love with someone who couldn’t even begin to deserve you. Give yourself a chance, Emma. Don’t marry him just because you think this is all the happiness you ever get.”
“But what if it is?” Emma whispers. “It’s not fair to Hook if I dump him, even after everything we’ve been through, just so I can go be miserable without him. And it’s not fair to you if I start a relationship with you even though I know I can’t give you everything you need.”
“As long as you’re happy, and as long as you’re my friend, I already have everything I need,” Regina says. “And you don’t owe Hook anything. Despite what he may believe, you’re not his personal source of happiness. You’re a person. ”
Slowly, Emma nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“You are, ” Regina insists. “And besides, not that I care about this at all, but you’re not doing Hook any favours by marrying him out of obligation or pity. Would you want someone to marry you just because they felt like they were supposed to?”
Emma shakes her head. “I didn’t really think about it like that,” she says quietly.
“You don’t have to choose between me and Hook,” Regina says. “You don’t have to choose anyone other than yourself. Not now, and not ever.”
Emma looks at her for a long time without saying anything. Regina waits, hoping the words will sink in.
“And if I want to choose you?” Emma whispers finally. “Not right now, but… someday?”
Regina swallows, her heartbeat picking up speed. “Then I don’t see why we can’t make that happen.”
“And it won’t be a problem, if I can’t give as much?” Emma asks.
“As long as it’s not a problem when I give too much,” Regina says.
“That,” Emma says fervently, “would be the opposite of a problem.”
“Then I think that works out quite well.”
“What do we do until then?” Emma asks, and Regina loves that she said until. “Pretend like this never happened?”
“Not necessarily,” Regina says. “I think we go on as we normally would. We stay friends. We don’t have to talk about… about the rest of it, not until we’re both ready. But that doesn’t mean we have to pretend it never happened. Does that sound all right?”
“Yeah,” Emma says. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Regina leans in and presses her forehead to Emma’s. Emma closes her eyes, keeps them closed for a long time. They stay there for several minutes, not talking, just enjoying each other’s company.
Finally, Emma opens her eyes. “I should probably go,” she says reluctantly. “I have a fiancé to break up with.”
It’s such a relief to hear her say those words, but Emma’s expression is nervous enough that it makes Regina anxious. She keeps her voice steady as she says, “Not necessarily. I could do it on your behalf. I’d be happy to. I could be very convincing.”
It gets a smile out of Emma, the way it was meant to. “I’m sure you could,” Emma says. “But really, I can do it myself.”
They both stand, and Regina walks Emma to the door. “Call me if you want backup,” she says. “And text me tomorrow, to let me know how it goes.”
“I can handle this, Regina.” Emma smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
Regina puts a hand on her shoulder. “You’re sure you’re not going to get there and change your mind?”
“I’m not,” Emma says. “I’m definitely not.”
“Promise me.”
Emma looks at her seriously for several moments, long enough that Regina can’t guess what she’s thinking. Her gaze moves from Regina’s eyes down to her mouth.
Then she reaches out and cups Regina’s face gently, and Regina knows what’s going to happen right before it does.
She leans in to meet Emma’s kiss. It’s nothing long, nothing intense, but it’s gentle and sweet and sincere. Regina puts her free hand on Emma’s back, and Emma puts her hands on Regina’s waist. It’s not the most technically perfect kiss in the world, nor even the most passionate, but it’s everything Regina could have imagined it to be and more.
So much more, because it’s real.
When Emma pulls back, she’s smiling, just a little. “I promise,” she says, “I’m not gonna change my mind.”
As Regina touches her lips with her fingers, dazed, Emma walks out onto the porch. Then she stops and turns around. “Thank you,” she says, “for letting me talk about all of this.” She smiles wryly. “Thanks for making me.”
Regina smiles back. “Thank you for talking to me,” she says softly.
They say goodnight to each other. Emma leaves, and Regina closes the door, still smiling.
Emma may not have hope right now, and Regina understands that, probably better than most people would. But Regina thinks about the way Emma smiles at her even when she’s having a rough day. She thinks about the heaping pile of messy paperwork on Emma’s desk, the overdue reports, the missed deadlines… and the concerned texts that showed up on her phone every day, like clockwork. She thinks about Emma’s face before she kissed her, open and vulnerable and hers.
She thinks about how far they’ve come, how much they’ve grown and opened up to each other, and how Emma did it again when it mattered.
She trusts that Emma will keep her word. She trusts that Emma will be all right, even if she doesn’t feel that way right now. She knows she has her friend back… and maybe, someday, they will be more.
For the first time in a very long time, Regina goes to bed smiling.