Chapter Text
He stood under the spray of water with closed eyes and took a deep breath. He felt like a coward for fleeing the room but he couldnt stand to be in there for a second longer. It had felt like the walls were closing in on him and he couldn't breath. Couldn't handle the looks on Y/N and Steve's faces.
He stayed in the shower a lot longer than was necessary, trying to let the hot water wash away the lingering terror of the dreams. It had been a long time since he had nightmares that bad. Y/N's presence at night helped immensely but it was never perfect. Most nights if he had nightmares he would wake up in a cold sweat with his heart racing and it would take a minute or two to realize where he was. When he did he would pull Y/N close and hold her until he managed to fall back asleep or she woke.
This morning... this morning was so much worse. He knew it was because this last mission hit him hard, hit everyone hard, but him especially. He shook his head trying to clear his thoughts and turned off the water.
As he dried off he heard music faintly coming from the other side of the door. He quickly pulled on his sweatpants and opened the door slowly just enough to see part of the room but not enough for whoever it was to notice. Y/N was busy cleaning their room singing quietly to herself, Steve was no where to be seen.
He watched her as she put fresh sheets on the bed, the dirty ones in a pile by the door. He felt a flash of guilt that she had to change the sheets so often because of him. The song changed to something soft and soothing. She began to sing along as she continued to clean.
"Laying alone with the history that made you
Cold and uncertain inside
Well careful now, deep breath
The water's still rising
But your silver lining's in sight
When you feel like you're breaking down
And your body's just giving in
And you can't go on broken like this
Any longer
Close your eyes
Don't you cry
Let the sorrow within you subside
Don't despair
Have no fear
Give your weight to me when you hear
This lullaby
You say all seems so wrong with the life that you're living
You're searching for some reason why
You're so scared to trust
You're feeling unworthy
Aching for comfort tonight
When your heart's too sore to beat
And you fear it might never heal
And you feel not even beggars want you
I do"
His feet started moving towards her of their own accord, the music drawing him in. It was like she knew exactly what he needed to hear in that moment. She turned to face him when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. When he reached the bed and he all but collapsed on the edge of it. He reached out towards her and she closed the distance between them. She stood between his legs and ran her fingers through his wet hair.
The song continued to play as he looked up at her. She whispered the lyrics softly while playing with his hair. He closed his eyes and just listened to the song. He felt her lips press against his forehead and linger for a second before disappearing.
When the song ended he opened his eyes and looked up at her again. Tears filled his eyes and concern flashed across her face.
"I'm sorry" he whispered.
"For what?" She asked confused.
"I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. You deserve better Doll. You deserve someone who can sleep through the night without nightmares. Someone who isn't broken." He said as he started to pull away from her.
She grabbed his arm, "James Buchanan Barnes you listen to me!" She snapped and he froze. She never called him by his name, let alone his full name.
"You are not a fuck up! And I don't give a shit what you think I deserve! I want you, broken parts and all! What about what you deserve huh? You have been through so much shit, more than literally anyone could possibly bear. You deserve the goddamn world. Now I don't ever want to hear that bullshit from you anymore ok? I love you so much. I can't possibly tell you how much I love you." She ranted with a fire in her eyes that softened at the end.
He was struck speechless by her outburst. He slid back to the edge of the bed and pulled her close again. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. She laid her cheek on the top of his head and gently rubbed his back while making soothing sounds. He took deep ragged breaths and fought back the tears that threatened to fall.