Chapter Text
The shock of Dazai actually having a functioning family had rocked the Agency for a while, some were pleased and thought it was funny, while others thought it was mortifying and irresponsible.
Kunikida, specifically, was that person.
Now, he'd known Dazai for two years now, and not once had he proved himself responsible, in fact he was skipping work more often then not to go make attempts on hid life.
Now he had to clear an hour in his schedule to drag Dazai around to make sure he knew how to take care of children, which he knew for a fact he didn't.
Standing up sharply, his chair sliding backwards as he scanned the office for his partner, he felt his temper rising. That bastard was gone!
Stomping around his desk to Dazai's work space, he yanked the drawers open, looking for any hint as to where Dazai could have possibly ran off to.
Rummaging through the contents, ignoring Atsushi's concerned inquiries, he shoved loose pencils and pens around, wadded up paper, to reveal an old flip phone.
He'd never seen Dazai use this phone before.
Straightening his back, he flipped the phone open to the contacts, finding only three contacts.
1.) Sexy beast
2.) Tomato juice
3.) Boss
The last name was rather boring considering the ones above, which offered no context behind such downright bizarre (and in one case filthy.) And he began to worry about what his contact name was.
Deciding to call the most normal of the contacts, he dialed 'boss'.
One ring, two rings, click-
"Dazai-kun!" The voice was enthusiastic an unmistakeably male, and slightly familiar.
"I'm surprised you've called so late! Never expected you to actually stick with the Agency for so long! Its so dull without you here, no one trying to hang themselves from the rafters of the-"
"Sorry, this is Dazai Osamu, this is his coworker Kunikida Doppo, I'm currently looking for Dazai. Are you his previous employer? Do you know where the fool went?" Kunikida interrupted the forlorn tirade the man on the other line had begun.
"Oh! You are the man meant to take over for Fukuzawa-donno, yes?" Kunikida's brows pinched in confusion.
"Yes I am, who is this?"
"This is Mori Ougai! Do you, per chance, know if Dazai-kun intends to come ho-"
Click.
In that moment, he ignored that whole experience, filing away to freak out about later.
Moving to the second contact, he dialed.
One ring-
"Hello?" The voice that answered was very, very familiar. In the background was the clack of a keyboards keys and the buzz of a fan.
"Hi, this is Kunikida Doppo, do you happen to know where Dazai Osamu is?"
"Oh, I don't know where Dazai-kun is currently, if I find out, I can let you know." The clicking never even stuttered as the man spoke.
"Of course, thank you very much. Out of curiosity, may I ask who this is?" Kunikida inquired politely.
"This is Sakaguchi Ango from the Special Abilities Department. Figures Dazai-kun wouldn't set my contact as simple and straightforward as just my name." The man sighed, the clacking finally stopping.
"Ah, I see. Thank for your time Sakaguchi-san." Kunikida was puzzled by the fact had the number to both the head of the Port Mafia and a higher up in the Special Abilities Department.
"Its no problem Kunikida-san." The line went dead less than a second later, leaving Kunikida with only one contact left.
Sexy beast.
He did not want to potentially speak to a booty call of Dazai's, as meddling in such illicit affairs was not in Kunikida's interests.
But reluctantly, he dialed the number.
One ring, two rings, three rings... Click.
"Hello?" The voice on the other end was deep and rough, thick with confusion. Briefly, Kunikida entertained the thought that Dazai may have planted this phone here with these bizarre contacts to mess with him.
"This is Kunikida Doppo, I'm a coworker of Dazai's, and am currently looking for Dazai as he's run off from work. Do you know where he is?" There's was a slight pause and the sound of people talking on the other end, just faraway enough for him to be unable to decipher what they were saying.
"This is Oda Sakunosuke, Dazai's husband. He's currently with me, he said he was let off early, he'll be returning shortly." The voice on the other end sounded infinitely patient.
"Ah, thank you Oda-san. It is good to speak to you, Dazai has spoken about you... Kind of." Kunikida was unsure of how to phrase his wording, worrying he was going to upset the other man by telling him how his husband had neglected to really even speak about him. He braced himself.
"Dazai is a secretive man. It took me many years to pry much of anything out of him. I'm sure he'll eventually begin to tell you and the Agency about what's going on in his life." Surprisingly, it was opposite of what he expected, with the man in turn seemingly comforting him. Weird.
"Hopefully. Im sorry for taking up your time Oda-san, I hope we can talk on better terms other than Dazai skipping out on work." Kunikida was sincere in saying it, in the short interaction they've had he'd established the man to be incredibly patient, which isn't surprising considering anyone who married Dazai had to be infinitely so.
"Hopefully. I may stop in with one of the kids sooner or later to meet the Agency. I believe its been long enough with having even met you guys."
"That would be wonderful." Distantly, the shouting of children making a ruckus could be heard.
"I'd ought to be going, the kids are making a mess." The man on the other end sighed fondly.
"Of course, it's good to meet you Oda-san."
"You as well, Kunikida-san."
Click.
Kunikida would be sure to yell at Dazai to choose less obscene names for his contacts once he returned.