Chapter Text
“Marinette? She’s just a friend.”
Marinette felt the air suck out of her lungs.
Of course. Naturally. What else had she expected him to say?
“She’s not the girl you like?” Nino’s incredulous words sounded like recording on an old television, crackling, uneven. “I thought you liked her?”
“Not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, Marinette’s great, and I’m so happy we became friends, but… well… there’s only one girl for me.” Adrien replied, soft.
Marinette’s chest felt tight. He sounded so wistful. She could feel Tikki tapping her arm, trying to get her attention away from the conversation but she could only stare at her feet, wishing silently that the ground would open and swallow her whole. He liked someone else.
“Aw man, you’re blushing hard! This must be some girl, especially if she’s out-winning Mari!”
Marinette wanted the ground to swallow Nino too.
“Yeah…” Adrien said, sounding so lovesick it made Romeo look pale in comparison, “She’s amazing.”
Marinette stood up in one fluid motion, grabbed her bag strap like a lifeline and started running. She didn’t care if they’d seen her leap out from behind the stairs, she just needed to get away, away from Adrien’s voice, so full of fondness and hope. Hope made for someone else. Hope made for someone better.
“‘Nette?” Alya called as Marinette shot past her, “Hey, I thought we were gonna get ice cream?”
She couldn’t talk. If she opened her mouth, Marinette knew she would start crying, and she wouldn’t be able to stop. So, she ran, feet pounding into the pavement.
“Marinette!” Alya’s voice was far away, concerned, but she didn’t move to chase her. Mari was simultaneously grateful and a little lonesome. She tightened her grip on the purse-strap.
“Tikki.” She turned around the corner, tucking herself into an alley. “Spots on.”
Marinette ran, her feet alight with fear, shame, pain, panic. She didn’t know where she was going, and only stopped when her legs gave out, crumpling like crushed paper. She slumped, falling against a chimney like a rag doll, now far, far away from school, home, Adrien, pushing her head to her knees. “Spots off.”
Tikki floated up beside her, her warmth comforting, but not enough. “Marinette…”
“I’m so stupid Tikki. I really thought I had a chance, but he’s Adrien Agreste! Every girl in the country, in the continent, on the planet is in love with him, and he’s already found someone he likes and it’s…” She scoffed bitterly, wiping her arm over her eyes. “It’s not me.”
Rationally, she knew she shouldn’t have been listening to Nino and Adrien’s conversation in the first place. Eavesdropping wasn’t really something she wanted to gain a reputation for, but Marinette had heard her name and she wanted to know why they’d been talking about her. It hadn’t been worth it.
“It’ll be okay Marinette, I know it feels terrible now, but you’ll feel better in time.” Tikki said, sensibly, responsibly.
Somehow, that thought, kind though it was, didn’t make her feel any better. She wanted to scream, throw something, sob. Reality wasn’t about to warp to her whims, and she felt something poisonous solidify in her heart. She coughed.
“I guess it doesn’t matter now…” She sniffed. “He’s already found someone amazing to love. No point in embarrassing myself further by bothering to confess, though I think I always knew he only saw me as a friend. It just… it hurts Tikki, I didn’t even get a chance.” She coughed again, into her hand, breath catching in her throat. “It just hurts. Here.” She said, hand on her chest. “It hurts.”
Tikki’s face was awash with sympathy. She curled up on Marinette’s shoulder, “It will hurt, but it’ll heal.”
“No, Tikki, it—“ Mari cut herself off with a gagging motion, “It really, like physically, actually, hurts hurts, it—“ She devolved into a coughing fit, pained tears streaming from her eyes. She thumped her chest like she could restart her body, bruising her bones. “Hurts.”
Tikki flitted in front of her face, eyes searching for something in Marinette’s expression. She waved her paws about, unsure how to help. “Marin—“
“Breathe— can’t bre—“ Marinette retched, her throat seizing up. She felt something rise like bile and leant to the side, her hand over her mouth. She retched again, shifting forwards. “I’m— throw up—”
Her chest tightened and with a feeling like a cheese grater over skin, something fell from her mouth to her hand, accompanied by a dousing of saliva. Everything in her rejected the feeling, shivers of disgust making her shake. Her twitching finger nudged something.
Petals.
Marinette stared at them in disbelief, still coughing. She’d just thrown up flower petals, actual real life flower petals. She stared at them, almost hypnotised, as if they’d disappear the moment she looked away.
Weirdly, they were kinda pretty, despite being soaked in spit and little red dots of blood. She rolled one across her palm to confirm yes, they were definitely real petals. Real, bright yellow petals that had come out of her mouth. She crushed one, just to see what colour it would change to.
It was surreal.
She looked to Tikki, confused, her throat raw, “I don’t understand.”
Tikki’s eyes had blown wide. “Marinette, we need to get you home right now.”
“Why? What’s wrong, what does this mean?” She said, worry creeping into her voice, “Tikki?”
Tikki shook her head, eyes scrunched shut, “I’ll tell you when we get back to your room. I’ll explain everything.”
Marinette didn’t like the way that sounded, or how Tikki avoided her gaze. “Tikki?”
“Home, Marinette, then I’ll explain everything to you, I promise. But its better you get somewhere you feel secure first… in case… you have a bad reaction.” Tikki’s face betrayed nothing, but gently she placed a paw on Mari’s hand. “You’re going to be alright, trust me, okay?”
Shaky, Marinette nodded. Careful not to drop the petals, she checked the coast was clear before she transformed, and leapt across the skyline, heart in her hands and unsaid words caught in her throat.
Travelling blurred. Marinette kicked open the backdoor to the bakery, dragging herself up the steps, two, three steps at a time. Neither of her parents were home, both out delivering orders and she thanked Tikki’s good luck for that, knowing she had at least an hour to collect herself.
“Marinette, go slow.” Tikki’s voice betrayed all her worry, watching as each breath became more laboured. “Don’t push yourself.”
She couldn’t breathe. She collapsed onto her chaise, coughing through her tears. “What’s… what’s wrong with me?”
“You have Hanahaki, Mari. Now don’t panic—“
“Hanahaki?”
“Yes, Hanahaki, it’s a disease—“
“I have a disease?” Marinette stared at Tikki incredulously, “It’s that serious?”
Tikki opened her mouth, stopped herself, closed it, and started again. “…Yes and no. Hanahaki isn’t like other diseases Marinette, you don’t catch it like the flu or a stomach bug. It comes from inside you. It’s an illness that causes flowers to grow in your lungs—”
“W-What?” Marinette felt panic pierce her like an arrow. “There’s a flower growing in my lungs? I thought that was a myth! Like when people say that you’ll grow a watermelon in your stomach if you swallow the seeds!” Marinette said, her voice raising in volume, her skin itching with fear, “You know, silly stuff adults tell kids to scare them! How can there be a plant in my lungs? Won’t I choke on that? How do I get it out? Can I get it out?”
Tikki went quiet. “You… you can. But, Marinette, there’s a catch.” Her tone was heavy with meaning.
“What kind of catch?”
Tikki sighed, twisting one of her tail fins between her paws, “The Hanahaki flowers, they grow as a result of unrequited love. If you have them removed, which is a very invasive, difficult surgery, you’ll lose all that love. Your feelings for Adrien will disappear, like they never happened. It’s a risky procedure, if it’s goes wrong you could lose all feeling. Everything.”
Marinette felt her heart fall through her feet. “No.”
“I’m so sorry, Marinette.”
“There’s got to be another way.” Marinette said, frantically, pulling at her pigtails, “I don’t want to lose how I feel. I love— I can’t, I—”
“Marinette, Marinette, please, you need to calm down. There’s more I need to explain. Take a deep breath, now.” Tikki said solemnly, waiting a minute before continuing. “The Hanahaki flower grows as quick as you feel. The more you think about Adrien, the more you think about how it’s unrequited, the quicker it’ll grow. You have to not think about him, and I know, that will be hard, but you have no choice. Unless you have the surgery, you’ll die Mari.” She turned her face away. “You’ll die.”
Marinette sat back against the chaise, shell shocked. “Why me? Why not anyone else— didn’t Nathaniel like me, I didn’t feel the same, he’s not dying, I don’t think. Why me? Tikki why, I don’t understand, why me, I don’t—”
Tikki floated closer, sadness set in familiar creases. “The disease predominantly affects people who love with everything they have; people who love so honestly it takes root deep in them. To have a love like that be unfulfilled, well, it needs some kind of outlet. Some say it’s triggered by trauma, or it’s a blood type thing, but either way… its rare.”
“Trauma?”
Tikki nodded, closing her eyes very slowly. “Trauma, of any kind.”
“…Is there really no other way?” Marinette was staring at the petals cradled in her hands. They were the colour of his hair.
Tikki bit her lip. “The only other way to get rid of the flower is for your feelings to be requited, and we can’t force Adrien to do anything. I don’t know any other way, I’m so sorry Marinette. I really am.”
“No. I don’t want to believe that.” Mari stood, wobbly, and walked over to her vanity, pulling a little green box out from a drawer. She tipped the petals into it and shut them inside with a clack of the lid. “I’m going to find another way. I have to. I don’t want to die, but I want to keep feeling what I feel. It’s not wrong, love’s not wrong and heartbreak won’t— it won’t— be the end of me. I’ve got to be stronger than that.” She turned to Tikki with a sad, determined smile. “It’s worth hoping right? Right?”
Tikki looked at Mari with something unreadable in her eyes, but nodded all the same. “It’s always worth trying.”
“Tomorrow, we’ll go to the school library, try and find some books on Hanahaki. I’ll check the internet now, see if there’s anything there, check more after patrol, and we’ll make a proper plan when we have more information? Right?” Marinette said, already busying herself with finding notebooks and pens and highlights, even as her hands shook like fallen leaves.
“Sounds good, Marinette. I’m proud of you.” Tikki zipped up to hug her cheek. “You’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”
Mari stroked Tikki’s head with a finger, ignoring the tickling in the back of her throat. “I hope so.”
——
“I’m so sorry kitty, but I’m in love with someone else.”
Chat Noir blinked. He watched blankly as Ladybug snatched her hand back, holding it to her chest like she was scared, eyes wide and apologetic. He hadn’t even kissed it. She rubbed the back of her hand like she was trying to wipe his touch away.
“I’m so sorry, Chat, really, I am, but that’s—” Her sentences were crossing continents, she was so far out of reach, so many unspoken words going missing on the journey. “I don’t want to hurt you. You need someone who’s going to be here. Be here for you, always and I’m. I.. I’m— not…”
“What do you mean?” Chat couldn’t hear himself speak, someone else was piloting his voice. His chest felt tight, the leather for the first time feeling too constricting. “Where would you be going?”
“Oh, Chat—“
“Why can’t I follow?” He tried to smile, but his facade cracked, he couldn’t breathe, and Adrien fell out, small, broken and scared, looking at her like she was sunlight incarnate, guardian angel, blissful reprieve. “Why wouldn’t I follow?”
Something he couldn’t place flashed across her face and suddenly she was crying. He’d made her cry. He did that and his heart concaved. She pulled him into a hug. “Nowhere. I’m going nowhere, nowhere. I wouldn’t leave you behind, not on my life.” Her voice sounded like shattered glass. “We’re a team.”
“We’re a team.” He echoed out loud. Something dark grew root and something else shattered deep down. He coughed.
She nodded an affirmation against his shoulder, holding him tighter, but he couldn’t feel her, everything was numb and he was falling, drowning, adrift in space. “Mhmm. A team.”
Chat, so slow, his arms ladened like cement, put his arms around her and squeezed, staring at the skyline like it held the answers in the folds of drifting daylight. She felt real, breathing, but she shook like a faulty hologram, her grip fading like the mid-evening sun. He wanted with everything in him to never let go, to hold her like this for his life and beyond that, but she pulled away, and of course he let her.
Ladybug wasn’t his, was never his, had never been his. If she’d said so, then it must be true.
“You should go home, Chaton.” The nickname shot an icicle through his heart, puncturing his veins with ice. She spoke softly, sweetly, firm in her kindness and her sadness. “Patrol’s done. I’ll… I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay?”
He nodded. He couldn’t breathe. He nodded again. His feet were sewn to the roof. He nodded, promising. He coughed.
She smiled, her head alight with sunset, and then, in a moment, she was gone, and Chat was running, fast, faster than he’d ever run before, panting, eyes streaming from tears or pain or exertion. He reached his room before he knew it and fell into his bathroom with a wheeze, pawing at the toilet. He released Plagg. The minute his mouth opened, he felt something try to push past.
He gasped, his body fighting against the foreign feeling, retches threatening to hack up his lungs, ribs, and all in between. Eyes red, Adrien shuddered, coughs resisting air, and his body warped uncomfortably, constricting and jerking like a mother bird bringing back up the meal. Finally, with a feeling, one mixing relief with violent rejection, he choked and disgorged, an unwelcome and unintended full-body convulsion knocking him off balance, sandpaper aftertaste lining his tongue.
“Ew, gross. You puked everywhere.” Plagg groaned from somewhere above his head. “You want some cheese to make you feel better?”
“No, no, you’re not… you’re not supposed to have dairy when you’re sick…” Adrien managed through burps and heaves, repeating something the school nurse had told him. “It’s not even puke it’s…”
Petals.
Adrien looked at them blankly, suppressing another cough. Flower petals, actual real life flower petals, come from his throat, on his bathroom floor. He stared at them so hard his vision blurred, as if they’d dissipate into smoke at any moment.
Strangely, he found himself admiring them, despite the bile and blood all over his hand and tiles. He poked one with a finger just to ascertain that they really were flower petals, not some delirious illusion. Real, fragrant blue petals that had come out of his mouth. He twisted one between a finger and thumb, watching the blue turn dark with pressure.
It was absurd.
He looked to Plagg, confused, his throat raw, “I don’t understand.”
Plagg shrugged, spinning in the air, or maybe Adrien’s vision was spinning, “I don’t know what to tell you Adrien, you eat plants or something? Probably that weird model diet your dad has you on.”
He wasn’t fooling anyone, even if there was no one else there to be fooled. “What’s wrong with me Plagg?”
Plagg wouldn’t focus his attention, still spinning, the action more deliberate than it had seemed at first, “…I don’t want to tell you. You’ll get upset.”
Adrien didn’t the sound of that, or how Plagg kept avoiding looking at him. “Plagg. Please.” Neither of them could look at the petals.
His tail swished back and forth nervously. “Fine… okay, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to freak out.” Plagg’s face betrayed nothing, but he rubbed against Adrien’s cheek comfortingly. “You’re going to be alright, trust me, okay?”
Adrien nodded slow, his head bobbing like it weighed more than his father’s wealth. He collected the petals, running them under the tap as Plagg began to explain. There’d been blood on them.
“So, some people when they get really upset about love, love that not’s returned, and stuff, they get ill… really ill. It’s not common or anything, I’ve only seen it once or twice before, but it’s uhh… it’s bad. It’s called Hanahaki. There’s uhh, there’s a flower growing in your lungs.”
Adrien turned his head slightly, his voice calmer than his heart, beating like it wanted to break free, jump ship. “Is it curable?” He tucked the clean petals into his trouser pocket, palms sweaty. They were colour of her eyes.
“Uhh… kinda. You can either hope the other person falls in love with you, or get the flower removed.”
Adrien sighed, voice and will broken. “I’ll have to have it removed. I can’t force Ladybug to love me, not when she’s already got someone else.” He twisted his hands into the fabric of his jeans, letting the harsh friction ground him in the moment, fighting against the alien whiteness of the bathroom, threatening to tip him over. He whispered breathlessly, hissing in places like he’d touched an open wound. “She’s in love with someone else. Do they know? Do they know how lucky they are? They’ve captured her heart and they are the luckiest person who’s ever lived because they have her love.”
“Kid, c’mon, you don’t wanna dwell on that. You’re punishing yourself.”
Adrien drew a thin breath through his teeth. “She didn’t choose me. I know that, I have to respect that, think I've known it for a while, but it still... it hurts. I’ll need the surgery.” His voice sounded hollow, resigned.
“Yeah, okay, but if you do that you might never feel love again, or any other feeling, ever again. The operation’s difficult, and risky. You’ll definitely lose all that Ladybug smooshy stuff.” Plagg said, failing to keep his tone light.
“No.” Adrien stared at Plagg. “That’s not possible.”
Plagg rubbed a paw along his arm, averting his gaze. “Seen it happen, kid. It’s sad.”
Adrien sat heavy on the toilet seat, arms hanging limp at his sides. “I’d lose everything?”
“Everything.” It sounded like a guillotine.
“There’s no other way?”
“Not that I know.”
Adrien’s eyes glinted, sparked with a second of hope. “But there might be one you don’t know?"
Plagg scrunched up his face. “Hmm, maybe. But I’ve been alive and kicking a long while, kiddo. It’ll be struggle to find something I haven’t seen.”
Adrien cupped his Kwami in his hands, eyes and words pleading for assurance. “We still have to try. I can’t lose how I feel, it’s too important. Even if I can’t have Ladybug’s love, it was her who gave me hope, Plagg, she gave me a purpose and I can’t let her down, not ever, not for anything. I owe her my life.”
Plagg sighed, and smiled like was watching a tragedy, a trainwreck. He blinked very slowly, and neither of them felt like mentioning the tears pooled quietly in the corners of his eyes. “Okay. Fine, if that’s what you want, but you’re gonna have to be quick. The more you think about that Lady of yours the more that flower in your lungs is going to grow. You’re not going to be able to hide it from the Gorilla or Nathalie forever.”
A sudden jolt of fear ran down Adrien’s spine. “You don’t think they’d tell Father?”
“They’d absolutely tell your dad.”
“He’d force me into the surgery.”
“Yeah, likely.”
“We have to find another way.” Adrien said, talking too fast. “There’s too much on the line, Ladybug, our memories, everything she means to me, everything we’ve been, we’ve done, we were—“
“Adrien, you need to breathe.”
Adrien swallowed thickly, clenching his fists. “I don’t want to lose what I have. We have to try. First thing tomorrow, we’ll try the library, Plagg, Plagg, please.” Adrien turned, finally catching Plagg’s eyes. “Plagg, I don’t want to die. I don’t want— please I don’t— please—“
He covered his eyes with his hands, shaking, shivering, sobbing. Adrien felt Plagg float over, push hands apart and gently, more tender than a mother, push away the tears and grasp Adrien in as big-a-hug as he could manage. Adrien cried harder.
“It’s okay. You don’t gotta worry about it. You’re just a kitten, and I got you.” Plagg’s eyes opened, something unfathomably sad waiting in their depths, like a memory or two, never forgotten. “I’ll protect you. It’s going to be okay Adrien, no matter what I’m here. I’ll always be here when you need me. We’re going to get through this, okay?”
Adrien stroked Plagg’s head with a finger, ignoring the tickling in the back of his throat. “I hope so."