Chapter Text
Hannah looks up from her notebook filled with thoughts and feelings. She doesn't know why she feels the compulsion to look up, but what she sees make her smile.
The red Mustang she has come to know was parked in front of her house. Her smile quickly disappeared when she saw Tony's face. Even from here, she could see that there were something wrong with the hispanic boy.
His normal carefree smile was replaced with a frown. Hannah wondered what he was doing here, why he didn't just come to the front door.
Hannah rose from her desk and all but ran to the front door. With haste she grabbed her jacked and slipping into a pair of sneakers.
"Where are you going, honey?" her mom called from the kitchen table, only just taking a glance at her daughter before going back to doing the numbers for the shop.
"Tony's outside."
"Oh okay, get home before curfew." Hannah saw the soft smile on her mother's lips and was glad that this relationship she had gotten into with Tony. Even if Hannah herself couldn’t put words on what they had, she was glad it was there.
"Yes mom!?" she half yelled already out of the the front door.
Tony must have been deep in thought because he didn't see her approach him. He suddenly gave a jump when Hannah got in the passenger seat.
"What are you doing here?"
"That is my line!" she pulled a disappointed face. She knew, she looked funny, witch was the point, but Tony didn't laugh at her as he usually did. He just smiled, but somehow it just fell flat compared to how he would usury radiate energy and worth.
"What's wrong?" Hannah was concerned for Tony. He newer used to be anything like this around her, but you never truly know someone, she wanted to. Wanted to know all of him and be there for him like he had been there for her, on her darkest days.
"I'm just having a shit day." he answered after a moment of silence.
"Okay. Wanna talk about it?" Hannah understood rainy days and worse those days that was so far down in the dubs that they were just shit. Hannah couldn't help but feel her heart flutter and her stomach slowly growing warm. A good heat like the bonfire on a cold summer night, the kind that spread in your hole body and stays with you even when you move away.
"No, not really." even if he didn't want to talk about it Hannah was still glad and in some place honored that he would drive here, go to her with his shit days even if he hadn’t walked the last distance between them.
"Hmm, wasn't it you that said something about talking about it would make it better." That made him smile truly, not fake nor brilliant and bright, but with sadness. Showing his true feeling instead of putting on the mask people so often hide behind. Sadness Hannah could handel, but Tony faking it, she wasn't sure
"That's irony" he says, before going back to being silent.
"So what are we doing this late afternoon?" Hannah asked with joy spilling over in her voice.
"What?" he turned to her looking confused.
"If we're not going to talk about it, then we are going to do something." Hannah was determined to do something with Tony, for Tony.
"What should we do?"
"I don't know what we should do, what would you like to do?"
"I feel like hiking." She answered after some time thinking.
"Then let's go hiking" Tony turned to look at her, a minute at silence went by before he spoke sounding a little more like himself.
"It's gonna be a long walk are you sure you wanna come?"
"Of course" Hannah smiled and felt excitement stir in her stomach as Tony started the engine.
"But you're buying me dinner."
"Is takeout okay with you, dear lady?" A juvenile wonder creeping into his voice.
"The best kind of food." they both giggled a bit. Just like that everything was back to normal. They drove of to the diner, getting an order to go. They didn't eat the food as they drove or walked the long winding path ascending the hill and cliffs overlooking a bigger aria of nature spreading out away from the small city they lived in.
It wasn't the most romantic dinner or even a good dinner. Cold junk food doesn't have the same appeal as when it is hot and newly made.
But neither of them said a word as they hungrily ate their food sitting on near the edge of the cliff.
The hike had been hard enough that Hannah was glad for the rest, she feared if they was to walk any further up, her legs would bugel under her. Her feet was acting
weirdly, they would shift from being numb to being sore. She didn't know what was best, the not feeling or the soreness. She hoped for the feeling of her legs and feet, when heeding to walk back down again. Better walk on sore feet then fall over in the dark because the sensation of being on the ground beneath her was gone.
The view made up for the long walk and aching feet. It was green as far as her eye could reach. Tree canopies that showed the underbrush in small glinces, as if the they were showing her a secret world beneath. The smell of fresh leaves and pine combine with the sweet smell of earth made something in her fall down, felt at peace as she sat beside Tony on the thick blanked he had produced from the trunk of his car.
What took her breath away was the fading light, painting everything in a different shade of orange, red, pink and purple. Hannah couldn't help but feel blessed in this moment. she looked to her companion to share this with, but her feeling of ecstasy faded quickly as Tony with the same brooding expression as he had earlier. Back when she had seen him through her window. He was looking out over the horizon, not feeling her eyes on him.
Bathed in the soft light he looked different, not just his brooding expression, but Tony's skin seemed to glow. Hannah noted for the first time that his eyes had small specs of green in the dark brown. The dying light made his eyes seams like liquid amber. Hannah felt the realization like a sledgehammer, she liked the way he looked. Finding that she liked the way he was and who he is.
Where was something about this place that made her feel at peace with herself, or maybe it wasn’t the place, maybe it was just Tony that made feel it. He had been the the best, not expecting anything from her. That made her heart warm. Hannah couldn't help but laugh at herself, a little horrified that she hadn't seen it before.
She takes his hand and gives it a squeeze before letting him go again. The don't say anything, just smile at one another, before going bag to look at the fading light.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna talk.” she asks when the last light disappears from the heavens.
“Yes.”
“Just making sure.” they both grow silent again. The quiet between them is as it has always been filled with nothing and everything, not needing words to communicate.
“I like the stars. They remind you that no matter how dark it seems to get there is always small specs of light in it if you take your time to look for it.” Tony says as the stars start to show on the dark deep sky above them. He lays back on the blanked, Hannah dos the same. She want to see what he sees to understand him and to be able to see it herself. To be able to see the light in the dark even if she wasn't around Tony.
Hannah has never seen starlight just like this, being a city girl there had always been too much light or noise distracting from the small beauty that seemed infinitive.
It didn't matter her feat aced and the food had been horrible cold, because gazing at the stars was all she could wish for.
“Its peaceful.” Hannay bearly whispers af if not to break the spell of the twinkling light above her. Tony just hums in agreement. They are lying on a thick blanket shoulders touching fingers grasping each other.
The feeling that started in her gut the first time he took her out had slowly spread and was now creeping up to her heart. She felt happy here. Felt like if she didn't gap Tony's hand in hers she would fly away, get lost in the sea of drak nothingness. He doesn't say a word just squises her hand. They just lay there together Hannah is sure if she closes her eyes can hear stars sing.
She doesn't though, she doesn't close her eyes. She wonders if the stars will make Tony look even more different then the dying light did. The tingling sensation in her stomach is a combination of fear and joy, of want and shouldn’t.
Hannah had never been one to hold away from what she wants, not when it is so small and simple a thing. No one will know if she took this moment and hid it away for a rainy day, no one needed to know that she wanted this moment to last forever. But that is how moments are, they are just that, moments. If she was to keep it in her heart she wanted the whole picture; the dark vast emptiness filled with stars, a thin sliver of moon reflecting the day and wanted to see the boy beside her in it. Know in every way, in every light.
There is just something magical about it all. When she turns to look at Tony she feel her heart stop just for a moment. Before she knows what she is doing she has rolled into a halfway sitting position, she is leaning in and kissing him softly.
She can't help but find a urge to run her fingers tuge his hair, so she dos. Hannah lets the hand on Tonys cheek find his buzzed sides. The texture of it teases her senses like the smell of him dos. She feels the fear fleas away as the softness of his longer hair is run in between her fingers and the softness of his lips on hers.
Tony is surprised by Hannah suddenly kissing him. He doesn't push her away, he doesn't kiss back though. Hannah pulls back when she realizes that Tony goes stiff under her. She sees his frown and doesn't understand, did she do something wrong? They had been going out for a time now, they had held hands and he had kissed her forehead before, why was he frowning now?
“Hannah.” And the tone of his voice tells her that whatever they was, that was gonna be over. The fear dug into her heart, harder and stronger then it had been in her just moments before. She didn't want to lose this happiness. This might be the only happiness she was gonna get, he was the reason for that happiness.
“I really like you Hannah, but as a friend.” She can’t help but laugh, an empty thing. Feeling the sting of rejection. He had build her up, taken every broken piece of her and shoved her to how to collect them. Just to break them apart again.
“I’m not good enough for you?” The words sting the both of them. She hadn’t wanted to say anything, wanted to make it worse. But she couldn't stop the words that was floating out of her. “You can't love a slut” she pulls away from him. Tony's eyes filled with nothing but kindness and understanding, she just couldn’t looking into them, it hurt worse than a slap to the face.
“I do love you Hannah, you are my friend and I don't think you are a slut. I wish I could be what you need, but I just dont like girls that way. I thought it was obvious.” He smiles at her and reaches out a hand out and pushes her hair behind her ear. Hannah can‘t help but feel stupid at laugh at her own outbreak, because the whole situation was just somehow hilarious.
“Of course your gay.”
“Is that a problem?” Tony is fast to turn defenceiv
“No it's just…” she laughs again and lies back down this time with her head on his chest. “Why are all the good guys gay?” She asks rhetorically.
“I don't know, chica” The hand around her back holding her was enough for her to start crying uncontrollably into Tony's shirt. Hannah hung onto him as he cradled her in his arms. It took an age before she was empty for tears, but when the tears stopped she felt relieved. Looking up at Tony bathed in the moonlight under the stars she felt relieved and content, because she now knew that the thing in her chest wasn’t that she had fallen in love with her friend. she had simply learn to love herself, Tony had taught her to demand respect and taught her to see her own worth, how to love herself. Or so she told herself. Hannah lend up and pressed a small kiss on his cheek. She knew this couldn't last no matter how much she wished it. She was glad and sad that she had kissed him, better to see the ugly truth rather than be blinded by a lie.
“Thank you. Tony” she said as she continued to cry silent tears as all they had been dissolved like smoke.