Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

taehyung
i need help

jungkook
when dont you

taehyung
ok rude
should i wear this top on my camping trip
[img_file]

jungkook
i cant even see the top
did you just fucking get your hair dyed blue
why are you making that face

taehyung
oh sorry
[img_file]

jungkook
hair is still blue
and thats the most horrifying shirt ive ever seen
where did you get it the ugly farmer shopping outlet

taehyung
ok to be fair i expected more of a reaction to the blue
it's blue

jungkook
i know

taehyung
and there's no surprise?????

jungkook
youre an art student
tbh im more surprised ur ditching me for a week to go camping with ur cousin

taehyung
stop i havent seen my cousin in forever :(

jungkook
speaking of which why havent i met him

taehyung
ur not obligated to know my entire extended family jungkook

jungkook
um yeah i am
i met your great aunt right before she died

taehyung
lets not get into that right now

jungkook
): are u still mad
i just wanted her to sniff the parsley flakes

taehyung
jungkook how many times do i have to say you didnt kill her

jungkook
i had no idea she was allergic

taehyung
she had a heart attack

jungkook
well if it means anything i think the fact that the good lord took her on christmas was quite symbolic
anyway about your cousin

taehyung
you are sick and twisted

jungkook
how tall is he
what kind of music does he like
how old is he
what is his favorite food

taehyung
he is shorter than me
rap
hes like a little older than me
and he likes chocolate cupcakes but only the ones that are on the walmart clearance one day sale rack

jungkook
thats weirdly specific

taehyung
youre atheist and just referred to god as the good lord

jungkook
is he the bad lord

taehyung
i dont want to have this conversation anymore

jungkook
little stinky poopy lord

taehyung
brb i need to go pay for my blue hair that you had no reaction to

jungkook
dont deflect you deserve this
youre leaving me for a week
to go camping with your COUSIN

jimin
whjy the fuck are you going on a camping trip with someone you just met

yoongi
i have a lot of money

jimin
that has nothing to do with it
taehyungs still in school
he is missing his classes for this

yoongi
that has already been taken care of

jimin
did you kill his professors or something

yoongi
im disgusted that you think i am that type of person

jimin
werent you in a gang when you were like 15

yoongi
omg the bubble butt boyz

jimin
what

yoongi
but anyway i just paid his professors to let him take the week off
wont affect his grades or anything

jimin
no no im not letting you do this not this time
why the hell would you join a gang called the bubble butt boyz

yoongi
why WOULDNT i join a gang called the bubble butt boyz

jimin
...
alright true
how the fuck did you pay his professors

yoongi
well first you have to have a lot of money (i do)
then you have to write a check (i have those)
and then you mail them to the professor's house (i did)
and then you take a cute boy camping (i am)

jimin
....how did you find out where his professors
you know what
dont tell me
i dont want to know

yoongi
the internet is a vast terrifying place jimin

jimin
??still you dont think this is moving too fast
you only just met

yoongi
jimin its been years since this story has progressed
i need to throw a wrench in somehow

jimin
?what

yoongi
fuck you know too much

jimin
?????????

yoongi
sorry park you won't be breaching this simulation

jimin
what are you talking about

yoongi
next scene

jimin
??what
we're talking about how you're camping with taehyung
dont change the subject
hello

jimin
what the fuck was that

yoongi
we changed scenes

jimin
what the FUCK are you TALKING ABOUT

yoongi
fuck hes still building a sense of awareness
abrupt scene shift

jimin
dont do that shit again are you fvucki

excuse me ma'am i'm john quiñones

seokjin
you are

hoseok
my fire

namjoon
the one

seokjin
desiiiiire
hear me

hoseok
hear me
fuck

namjoon
when i say

yoongi
i want it that way

hoseok
tell me why

jimin
where am i whats going on rn

namjoon
aint nothin but a
JIMIN

hoseok
YOU RUIN EVERYTHING

jimin
my head is spinning

seokjin
this is why i didnt invite you to my bachelors party

jimin
shut the fuck up
wait
youre married?

seokjin
no?

hoseok
jin u only throw a bachelors party when u get married

seokjin
i know

yoongi
then what the hell are you talking about

namjoon
jin what the fuck lmao

seokjin
fuck wow

jimin
wow what???

seokjin
brb gotta pee

hoseok
OK
yoongi tell us about your camping trip are you packed

namjoon
be sure to pack condoms

yoongi
we are christian boys

jimin
tell him guys
tell him that it's too early to have a camping trip

namjoon
but tae is so sweet :(

jimin
excuse me

hoseok
yeah he mailed me socks the other day

jimin
WHAT
i never got socks

namjoon
maybe he just doesnt like you

jimin
shut up namjoon

namjoon
sticks and stones

taehyung
you should be thanking me actually

jungkook
why

taehyung
now that im going on a camping trip with yoongi it gives you an excuse to approach jimin

jungkook
...yoongi?
tae i thought you were going on a camping trip with your cousin

taehyung
ahhhhhhhhhh um
i....... am?

jungkook
I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS
IM SO SICK OF THE LIES

taehyung
LISTEN IM SORRY
HONESTLY THERES SO MUCH WE NEED TO DISCUSS

jungkook
CLEARLY!
I DIDNT KNOW YOONGI WAS YOUR COUSIN

taehyung
........................
no
jungkook,

jungkook
wait that makes this kind of weird
sweet home alabama i guess

taehyung
please listen to me when i tell you yoongi is not my cousin

jungkook @jeonjk
just found out the most disgusting fact about taehyung
0 retweets   3 likes

jimin
whats the disgusting fact

taehyung
nothing
please stop senselessly stalking jungkook's account and just talk to him already
i cant deal with this parasocial relationship anymore
also i dont want to fuck my cousin

jimin
well i hope not
um
thanks for letting me know

jimin
i think taehyung wants to fuck his cousin

yoongi
why do i still talk to you
what do you mean

jimin
idk.
call it a wise man's intuition

yoongi
that's funny considering you're definitely NOT wise

jimin
phoning up the friend abuse hotline rn!

yoongi
you want to fuck your cousin?

taehyung
NO

tae @kth_
all set to go camping :) see ya guys in a week
50 retweets   567 likes

jinbob9000 @chefjin
@kth_ have fun pookie!!!

tae @kth_
@chefjin please adopt me

eunhahaha @eunhas
is it just me or is taehyung friends with so many youtubers now
20 retweets   1.3k likes

tae @kth_
@eunhas you wish you were me

eunhahaha @eunhas
@kth_ kinda yeah

jungkook
im so lonely

taehyung
i've only been gone for 45 seconds
like i literally JUST got into yoongi's car
which is so fancy btw. it has cup holders

jungkook
i think every car has cupholders

taehyung
hater
our old family car didn't but it also didnt have a floor so u could see the road while u were driving
my dad called her bertha

jungkook
sometimes i wonder why youre the way you are but then you say things like that

taehyung
what was that, weeb cheeto fan?

jungkook
sweet home alabama

taehyung
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU YOONGI IS NOT MY COUSIN
also, i did something earlier.
you can thank me later

jungkook
sorry what

taehyung
actually no need to thank me at all
it should be arriving in an hour

jungkook
what is arriving

taehyung
something
well not really but it is

jungkook
......is it a human hand

taehyung
NO
god
you fuck up the delivery of art materials two years ago and no one can ever let it go

jungkook
you sent a fucking hand to my house

taehyung
*I* didn't send u a hand. INSTACART did
which is still kinda funny in retrospect bc i didnt know they did that

jungkook
sent human hands? o_O

taehyung
no. deliver to your location
the hand was a total accident it was definitely supposed to come to MY house
also that was coming from some art warehouse and it was not a real human hand
how many times do i have to tell you

jungkook
still doesnt explain why it smelled like pepperoni
if it was fake why did it smell like pepperoni

taehyung
you... sniffed it?

jungkook
of course
i had to know if it was real
hello?
tae?
i really hope im not about to receive an appendage

[Safety camera]: There's a person at Your House - 4:56pm
(Movement detected on front porch)

jungkook
TAEHYUNG
WHY IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY FRONT PORCH

taehyung
im busy rn
camping
but
youre welcome

jungkook
oh my god they just knocked on my door

taehyung
yeah probably just dave confirming the delivery

jungkook
WHOS DAVE.

taehyung
the delivery guy
i know him really well
we went to summer camp together
kinda weird now tho
hes in love with an anime cardboard cut out of hatsune miku

jungkook
AND YOU SENT HIM TO MY HOUSE?

taehyung
WOULD YOU CHILL
he works for instacart everything is safe
make sure you tell him that the product isnt for you though
i dont want to be embarrassed to be seen with you

jungkook
taehyung im so fucking scared right now shut up

taehyung
would you go get it alr

jungkook
NO?

taehyung
i thought you might say that
so i told dave if you dont show up outside he can climb in through your window

jungkook
the window is locked
................but u have a key

taehyung
dave has the key now tho

jungkook
okay im going

jimin @parkjm_
new video coming shortly! my friend and i painted each other :) (not sexually)
9.2k retweets   23.1k likes

hoseok @jhope
@parkjm_ i thought you deleted that

 

jimin @parkjm_
@jhope ...you know, that's not the same video i was talking about

 

jimin @parkjm_
@jhope also you can text me at any time. privately

jungkook
you sent rash ointment and laxatives to my house

taehyung
AND a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with 6p pulsating speeds and optional built-in realistic orgasm
its actually for jimin
so you have to walk it over and give it to him cause you accidentally got his mail

jungkook
I AM NOT GIVING THIS TO HIM

taehyung
but you have to
it's a felony to steal people's mail jungkook

jungkook
YOU SENT THIS
TO ME.

taehyung
but it has HIS name on it

jungkook
HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT YOU SENT THIS
WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND A STORE THAT SOLD ALL OF THESE THINGS IN ONE PLACE

taehyung
why do you make everything so difficult

taehyung
hey your neighbor has some of your mail

jimin
what?

taehyung
mail your neighbor has your some of

jimin
oh
i thought you were talking about pip
he stole my mail one time
it wasnt that important just government mail but
jungkook?

taehyung
yes
wait
how did you know his name

jimin
GTG
i'm at a fishing convention

taehyung
you dont fish

jimin
message send failure

taehyung
you sent that all in low caps
notifs are proper caps

jimin
i did not go through your phone last time we hung out and text jungkook pretending to be you

taehyung
okay but why do you know his name

jimin
you are the stupidest motherfucker i've ever met and i am so serious

taehyung
okaaaayyy but WHY do you know his name
i dont understand im gonna make yoongi read this and decipher

jimin
i wonder if a fall from my roof would be enough to kill me

taehyung
YOU WENT THROUGH MY PHONE?

jimin
im sorry. i
*hands head*
hangs
not hands
i do not hand you my head

taehyung
*takes ur head and handles it tenderly*
"hangs" wasnt canon because you didnt put it in *s
havent you ever RP'd on the internet
also i dont really care that you went through my phone
theres nothing interesting on it except for my folder of nude pics of jungkook that i have locked

jimin
What?

taehyung
im kidding
i think
yeah im kidding i just checked
i did have one embarrassing pic of jungkook from a halloween party but its gone now

jimin
oh
okay

taehyung
anyway jungkook has your mail better go get it

jimin
but i didnt order anything

taehyung
he knows ur coming so everythings fine

jimin
i feel weird just going to his place rn tho

taehyung
dont u want ur mail

jimin 
ur so weird
fine ill go

[Safety camera]: There's a person at Your House - 5:30pm
(Movement detected on front porch, side windows and backyard)

jimin
i dont think hes home

taehyung
he has to be
i just texted him

jimin
well all the lights are shut off, the curtains are drawn

taehyung
oh hes just hiding from u
just crawl in through the window

jimin
i will not

taehyung
the back window near the kitchen never locks right
if u push on it hard enough itll pop right out of the hinges

jimin
IM NOT DOING THAT?
why do you know that
have YOU done that

taehyung
plenty of times

jimin
you scare me