Chapter Text
Jinhyuk was bold as all hell.
The moment Hangyul sent the text, the rapper stood up, grabbing hold of the younger’s warm hands with his slender ones as he pulled the other to stand alongside him. Hangyul was quite embarrassed as he stood up, feeling a little lightheaded and unsteady on his feet, probably due to the effects of the beer he drank.
Noticing the slight sway in the younger’s posture, Jinhyuk merely smiled, kindly reaching down to pick up the long forgotten bag of convenience store food so that Hangyul wouldn’t have to. “You’re a little tipsy?” He questioned, being sure to keep eye contact with the teen to make sure he was still aware of their surroundings.
“I think I’m just buzzed,” Hangyul replied, voice sounding a tad more sluggish than usual. “I probably shouldn’t have drank so quickly.” Shaking his head, he continued to reassure the elder. “I think I’ll be fine though, so don’t worry about me too much Hyung.”
Keeping his gaze the tall elder gave Hangyul a tight lipped smile. “I can’t help but worry about you Hangyul,” he grabbed the younger’s hand and intertwined their fingers, “you’re someone that people just can’t help but dote on. So damn innocent and loveable.”
“Is that a confession I’m hearing?” Perhaps the teen was a little more than just buzzed, alcohol giving him the confidence that he normally lacked; the blush on his face now indistinguishable from the light pink flush he got from consuming alcohol.
“Maybe.” At the teen’s raised eyebrow and curious countenance Jinhyuk simply sent one of his million dollar smiles and tugged on their connected hands, prompting Hangyul to follow him as they set off on dim streets in the direction of the dorm. “I’ll give you a real answer once we get back to the dorm and you’ve sobered up a little bit.”
Hangyul pouted, face so effortlessly endearing that Jinhyuk almost caved in right then and there. “I swear I’m fine right now Hyung, just tell me.” Hangyul totally didn’t trip over an imaginary stone on the ground, quickly stumbling before Jinhyuk pulled him upright again.
“Stop being so cute Hangyul,” Jinhyuk gave an exasperated sigh as he continued to navigate them through the familiar path that he used to take whenever Wooseok would call him over. Passing by the little cafe in a secluded corner reminded Jinhyuk of all the times he would trudge in the cold of night at Wooseok’s every beck and call. He’d always buy Wooseok his favorite pastry when he passed by and leave it on Wooseok’s nightstand after the younger would tell him to leave.
Jinhyuk had only ever encountered a drunk Hangyul once before. It was during the show when the already debuted trainees were able to have a casual kickback in their dorm room. At the time, Hangyul merely crawled into bed and silently fell asleep, surprisingly not joining in on the chaotic storm that a drunk Yuvin and Byungchan were creating.
It seemed as if Jinhyuk was learning all sorts of things about Hangyul today, seeing as the teen before him was easily following him, yet far more clingy than usual, something he concluded from the way that Hangyul insisted to hold onto Jinhyuk with not one, but two hands.
He made sure to slow down his steps as he noticed Hangyul’s hands pulling his arm back closer to him. The dancer was slightly swaying in his steps, having a little difficulty in following Jinhyuk’s hurried pace.
“Hyung!” Hangyul complained, “Slow down! I hate how you’re so fucking tall!”
Jinhyuk turned to the younger, in feigned surprise. “You hate me?”
The dancer merely pouted, eyes glued to the ground as he trailed behind. “You’re just like Seungyoun,” he frowned, “so fucking tall that I always have to walk fast because you both have stupidly long legs and I’m just fucking short-”
Hangyul’s rant was cut off by Jinhyuk stopping in his tracks, turning around to face Hangyul as he grabbed the younger’s hands, making them face each other.
“Hangyullie, don’t compare me to Seungyoun, okay?” Jinhyuk’s voice had taken on an icy edge, sharp tone cutting through the silence of the night. “I think I’m a lot better than that dumbass.”
Something about getting compared to the man who made Hangyul so distraught made the rapper frown. Jinhyuk wasn’t like that. He actually had some emotional awareness when it came to others unlike some people.
“Okay I won’t,” Hangyul replied as be tightened his grip on Jinhyuk’s hands. “I just really wanna get home.” His eyes suddenly shot up to meet Jinhyuk’s, eyes brightening up with another thought. “We can watch a movie and eat snacks and just have a good time!”
Giving a warm smiled, the elder responded, “Anything you want okay?” He let go of one of Hangyul’s hands, going back to leading them towards the dorm. “Just promise me you’ll hold on to my hand and follow me okay?”
At the adorably enthusiastic nods that came from the younger, Jinhyuk was at ease again knowing that they would arrive at the dorm very soon. He continued along the streets, winding through dimly lit paths that he could navigate with his eyes closed.
Hangyul’s hand fit so well in his, and the slight warmth that radiated from the younger’s skin made the trip back to the dorm seemed almost like a blessing.
Jinhyuk felt like he was eighteen again: remembering the familiar joy of exploring the streets of Seoul at night with Wooseok when they were just wide eyed and hopeful trainees. But this was Hangyul’s hand he was holding, not Wooseok’s delicate but strong hands that he always held back then.
They walked up the familiar stairs that led up to the X1 dorm, the younger now taking the lead as they approached the door. Hangyul had quickly gotten them inside, kicking off his shoes near the shoe rack as he dragged the other into his room.
The first thing that Jinhyuk noticed upon entering the room was how well decorated it was. It didn’t take a fool to see the influence of Seungyoun everywhere in the room. From the instruments in the studio section of the room, to the purple LED lights, to the tasteful and aesthetic posters that they hung on the wall, it was obvious that the rapper lived in the room.
Hangyul’s presence in the room was far more subtle. Jinhyuk could tell that most of the cleanliness and organization came from the younger, remembering how Hangyul always did the laundry and dutifully did chores when they were on Produce. The sheets in the room were immaculate and well kept.
It was ironic, thinking about how the pair made such a good couple. Not only did they match in energy, they had great visual balance between Hangyul’s masculine yet boyish charms and Seungyoun’s tall and sophisticated look. Hell, even their room was another example. Hangyul was the order to Seungyoun’s creative chaos, the ray of light that pierced through the darkness.
Such a shame though, that Seungyoun seemed to not see just how suited Hangyul was for him. That Hangyul would silently pine and suffer as the elder lived happily and carefree as ever.
“Do you want to cuddle and watch a movie while we wait for Seungyoun and Wooseok to come rushing in after us?” The elder was just a bit shocked at how collected Hangyul sounded, traces of the effects of alcohol completely gone.
“Did you sober up already?” In the span of the short walk, the younger had lost the faint red flush that previously adorned his cheeks, now seemingly immaculate, as if he had never had anything to sip at all.
The teen chuckled in response, “I didn’t really have that much anyways, but I’m seriously craving cuddles right now Hyung.”
Jinhyuk nodded, “So you’re asking me to Netflix and chill right now?” The joking smirk on his face was unmistakable, and his joke helped to lighten the mood between the two.
“In a very innocent way,” the younger replied, “Yes I am.” Hangyul threw a stray blanket at the rapper as he pointed to a bed with light blue sheets. “That’s my bed, so go get comfy while I change.”
Hangyul made quick work of his outfit, changing into an oversized hoodie (Jinhyuk suspected that it belonged to Seungyoun but he kept quiet) and a pair of black basketball shorts. He tossed a spare shirt and a pair of shorts at the man on the bed, gesturing for Jinhyuk to change as well.
By the time they had both changed and settled into Hangyul’s bed, Hangyul had thrown a large, fluffy blanket over the pair of them as he turned on the TV.
“Anything you want to watch?” The teen asked, casually browsing through the directory as he cuddled closer to Jinhyuk, trying to take more body heat from the elder. “I’m fine with anything, really, so it’s going to be your choice today.”
Jinhyuk smiled, reciprocating Hangyul’s cuddles. “Then how about Frozen?” The younger raised a playful eyebrow.
“How many times have you seen this movie?” It was well known that Jinhyuk was somewhat of a Frozen fanatic. During the show, when he wasn’t practicing, the other trainees would constantly see his long limbs stuffed into an Olaf onesie.
Hangyul could distinctly remember Dohyon running to him in the night, claiming that he had seen a tall, white spirit haunting the halls of the dorms, but the tired teen assured his younger friend that it was probably just Jinhyuk.
For some reason, Jinhyuk pretended as if everything was okay as he answered. “Only like 400 times.” The younger recoiled, looking at him in shock.
“ Only 400 times? ”
Jinhyuk laughed as he went and selected the movie, “Okay fine, not 400, but I honestly can’t remember how many times I’ve watched it.”
"I actually have never watched Frozen before," Hangyul added as pulled another large fluffy blanket over them, enveloping them in a warm little pile on the bed. "How amazing is this movie on a scale of one to ten?"
The elder scoffed, acting as if Hangyul offended him by having the audacity to ask him such a question. "Definitely an eleven, or even one hundred!"
The younger raised an eyebrow, clearly doubting the power of a children's movie. "You have a lot of confidence in this movie, hyung." Though Hangyul loved going out and seeing movies, he had never actually seen Frozen, merely thinking that it was probably just another kids movie that wouldn’t catch his eye.
Somewhere along the lines of their banter, Jinhyuk's long arm had fully wrapped around Hangyul, pulling him close as he replied, "This movie is so good that when Frozen 2 comes out you'll definitely watch it at least 3 times."
Hangyul rolled his eyes as he settled against the elder, turning to face the TV as the melodic soundtrack of the movie began to play. “Sure I will.”
The pair chose to ignore the fact that they were both awaiting the arrival of Seungyoun and Wooseok, instead choosing to focus on the movie to calm their restless thoughts.
Of course, the movie was enjoyable, but the longer the watched, the more anxious the pair became. Hues of ice blue and wondrous music resounded through the room, and yet, the pit of Hangyul’s stomach seemed to twist even more as every second passed.
Jingyuk’s hand came to wrap around Hangyul’s tightening as if to give him strength and to ground him. “Hyung,” he whispered, “Do you think they’re even going to come?”
“They will.” Yet even Jinhyuk himself seemed to lose faith in his own words. If it were Wooseok waiting for him, he would have been there first, he would have ran there to set things straight, he would make sure that Wooseok knew that he was serious about him. But perhaps Wooseok just didn’t value him in the same way.
And that hurt, trying to digest the fact made his stomach turn and his arms itch in a nervous bout. Five years of knowing each other only to be paid in dust. Great.
Screen long forgotten, Jinhyuk and Hangyul sat on the bed, silently lamenting their situation, hoping and praying for the moment that the people they loved would walk through the door. Every second felt like an eternity, excruciatingly long moments, tentative glances at the door and at their phones for any sign of the others.
“Hyung,” Hangyul said, voice slightly wavering as he composed himself, “I don’t think they’re coming.”
The elder sighed, pulling Hangyul in for a warm embrace from under the blanket. “It’ll be okay, trust me.” He wasn’t sure if he was consoling Hangyul, or if his words were just to reassure himself that there was still hope.
“No, it’s not okay.” Hangyul’s frame practically sank into the bed with dejection. Maybe Hangyul should have known that Seungyoun wasn’t going to love him back, maybe he shouldn’t have been so damn stupid . “I should have quite while I was ahead, I should have never gotten my hopes up, I-”
Jinhyuk had pulled Hangyul’s head to his chest, effectively halting his self depreciating rant by muffling the younger. “Hangyul, listen to me.”
“Don’t look down on yourself so much.” The elder said, voice reaching a serious and low tone. “You’re amazing. You’re so damn hard working and genuine. Seungyoun’s a fool if he can’t see that. If he won’t treasure you, then I will.”
“Hyung..” Hangyul trailed off, uncertainty clear in his voice as he looked away, trying to muster up an appropriate response to Jinhyuk’s high praise.
“Be mine?” They both froze, bated breath halted as Jinhyuk waited for a response, and Hangyul attempted to come up with one.
“Jinhyuk,” Hangyul whispered against his chest, voice trailing off with what could only be described as sorrow, “I love Seungyoun.”
The elder scoffed. “So what? I know I love Wooseok, but I also know that he’s a heartbreaker. Seungyoun’s one too. We both signed up for pain the moment we fell in love.”
“Then why did you suggest something between us?”
Jinhyuk brought a hand to Hangyul’s face, brushing away a few stray hairs before caressing his cheek and tilting his face to meet his eyes. Jinhyuk’s type would forever be Wooseok, but he couldn’t help but admire just how stunning Hangyul was from that angle.
Beautiful tanned skin and eyes that seemed to hold the entire world consumed his field of view. Hangyul was not at all lacking when it came to visuals. He had strong features that people envied, but also a softness to his face that was unmistakably attractive.
“I’m saying that yes, we may be in love with two other people, but if they’ll never love us back, then I want to be the one that makes you smile. I’ll be the one that will take you on all the damn dates Seungyoun’s promised you.”
Hangyul held Jinhyuk’s warm gaze, from his embrace, the teen could clearly hear the elder’s heart speeding up, and perhaps his was doing the same. “I’ll never be Wooseok, and you’ll never be Seungyoun.”
“Hangyullie, I’m saying I’m ready to make room in my heart for you.” The elder whispered, voice barely heard by the other. “Won’t you give me that chance?”
At this point, Hangyul’s heart was racing, feeling as if he had just run a marathon, breathless with shock and wonder of the elder’s confession. Thoughts ran through his mind at almost a mile a minute, thinking of all the times he’s been let down and all the times he’s cried his eyes out over Seungyoun.
“Hyung,” he trailed off, seemingly looking for words that became lost in his mind. “Promise me you won’t ever hurt me?”
“I’’d never hurt you Hangyul.” Jinhyuk’s voice held a loving confidence, words sending a flush of warmth and security over the teen. Hangyul didn’t even realize it, but their faces were so close to each other, and he could practically see the stars in Jinhyuk’s eyes.
It called into question, when did Seungyoun ever look at him with such adoration and love like Jinhyuk did? When did Seungyoun ever promise him the world and more? When did Hangyul ever feel so comfortable and confident with someone?
Perhaps he was irrevocably in love with Seungyoun, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t let Jinhyuk in as well.
“Hyung.”
Jinhyuk’s gaze held true, sending a wave of fondness through him unlike the piercing burn he usually felt from Seungyoun. “Yes Hangyul?”
“Kiss me.”
And their lips met in a chaste kiss, a mix of adoration, fear, heartbreak, and hope in between them. They kissed cautiously and softly, afraid of what their actions meant, yet they continued. It was soft and innocent and yet it felt so liberating to feel loved for once.
They were two broken hearts that found each other; people who knew only of being hurt. And although they weren’t with the ones they dedicated their hearts to, they still let themselves sink deeper into the kiss and into each other.
It was always better drowning in unrequited love together than alone.
The door opened, and chaos entered.
It was like a scene from a movie: time seemed to slow down as Jinhyuk and Hangyul continued to kiss, their eyes now closed, seemingly unaware of their unexpected guests. Somewhere along the lines, Jinhyuk had pressed Hangyul against the bed, making things far more intimate.
It was only when their lips parted when they realized they weren’t as alone as they thought, snapping their heads to the doorway, where Wooseok and Seungyoun stood, visibly shaken up by what they saw. The disbelief was clear; maybe they didn’t realize that Jinhyuk and Hangyul would ever look at someone other than them.
The two on the bed were frozen in their cold stares, and their position was far more suggestive than it seemed to be from the other view. They were under a blanket, and unless it was taken off, anyone would believe that it was a terribly compromising scene.
To no surprise, it was the cold beauty, Wooseok who broke the silent stand off by yelling at Jinhyuk.
“Lee Jinhyuk, are you cheating on me?”
Ah, right. Jinhyuk frowned at the word choice, pulling Hangyul up and letting the blanket fall so that Wooseok and Seungyoun could see that it wasn’t as bad as they thought and that at the very least, their clothes were still on.
“It’s not cheating if we’re not together anymore.”
He could tell that his words cut like a knife through Wooseok’s normally calm countenance. He faltered, before anger flashed over his face. “What do you mean we aren’t together anymore? ”
Jinhyuk kind of felt like he was facing a final boss in one of his video games; reaching a moment of climax where he, the hero, would have to muster all of his courage and stand his ground against the enemy that used to defeat him every time.
Yes, this time, he held the cards, not Wooseok.
He was done trying to follow Wooseok’s every beck and call. Jinhyuk wanted Wooseok to feel the pain and heartbreak that he felt all these weeks, to make the younger wake up and realize that he would have to work to get him back.
“Weren’t you the one who said that we weren’t dating anymore, and that it didn’t matter?” He stood up, positively towering over Wooseok, watching the younger’s countenance, waiting to see what type of expressions would he see flash across beautiful eyes.
It seemed as if his harsh words worked. Wooseok looked panicked, as if the walls were caving in on them yet he still tried to seem as if he was okay. Jinhyuk’s heart lurched at the sight, but it felt good to see Wooseok hurt for once. He really shouldn’t have felt so pleased, especially considering the younger looked to be seconds from crying.
Ashamed, Wooseok looked at the ground, intent on hiding the tears that threatened to roll down his face. His hands were clenched at his side, so tightly that his arms trembled as the seconds passed.
The visual felt like a fool. Words were always his undoing: he coped with stress by using his sharp tongue to hurt others and protect himself. Jinhyuk was the anomaly, the one who smiled even as Wooseok spilled poisonous words from his lips, the one who Wooseok thought would never leave him.
When Jinhyuk and Hangyul left from the show con venue, he pretended to be okay, smiling at Seungyoun and suggesting that they go out and eat by themselves. He constantly glanced at his phone while they ate, Seungyoun doing the same. The lack of instant ecstatic replies from Jinhyuk made him feel empty, and then all the damn photos from fans who saw Jinhyuk and Hangyul outside had bombarded his phone.
Wooseok was jealous when he saw how happy and carefree Jinhyuk looked with Hangyul. The ugly feeling made him want to run away, something he always did whenever he felt overwhelmed by his feelings.
So maybe he came too late because of his shitty coping methods, forgetting that he broke Jinhyuk’s heart first. He ran, because it was so much easier to ignore problems than face the cold hard truth.
Of course he fucked it all up. It was only typical. Tolerant as Jinhyuk was, they finally reached the point were even the tall male couldn’t take it anymore. He always thought Jinhyuk knew . That Jinhyuk loved him no matter what bullshit he ended up saying.
Wooseok was scared, blood running cold the moment he saw the two of them, Jinhyuk on top of Hangyul, the pair of them kissing like it was their last. His stomach twisted, because that should have been him . It was a nightmare come true, the one person he loved finally leaving him and looking so happy with someone that wasn’t him.
“I never meant it like that,” he whispered, voice wavering as he couldn’t face Jinhyuk. “Jinhyuk, I l-love you so much, you c-can’t do this to me-”
Jinhyuk sighed, looking disappointed yet relieved at the same time as he grabbed Wooseok’s wrist and turned to the two that were still frozen while watching the entire exchange. “I think we should fix this between ourselves,” he said, already at the doorway of Hangyul’s room. “You guys should really talk as well, and if he breaks your heart Hangyul, you already know I’m here for you.”
Jinhyuk pretended like he didn’t see the look of irritation and offense that adorned Seungyoun’s face at his words, choosing send a small but genuine smile at Hangyul before they disappeared off into the hallway with Wooseok, presumably towards Wooseok’s room.
And then there were two.
“Seungyoun.” The younger’s voice was just a low whisper, yet it quickly demanded the attention of the rapper, Seungyoun walking up to the bed where Hangyul sat, never taking his eyes off of him.
He paused in front of the mattress, hesitation clear in his posture, unsure if Hangyul would let him sit down or not. “Hangyul,” he started, “I-”
Clearly irritated, at the elder, Hangyul sighed, “Just sit down, okay?”
The all arounder wordlessly followed Hangyul’s words, settling near, but not too close to the dancer who sat amidst blankets and pillows that were scattered across the bed.
If Seungyoun’s gaze was a fire, then Hangyul’s was icy cold: unforgiving and sharp. Even if the younger felt as if he was going to explode with anger and frustration, he pushed it down, keeping his eyes on the rapper as he watched him nervously sized up Hangyul.
“If we didn’t come,” Seungyoun questioned, pausing in what seemed to be fear before continuing, “would you have gone all the way with him?”
Hangyul’s gaze held Seungyoun’s, unwavering even with the sudden accusation. “Yes,” he said, without any hesitation in his voice at all.
He lied, but Seungyoun didn’t need to know that. He wanted Seungyoun to hurt, to know how it felt to be disregarded and downright rejected by someone that they loved, that is, if Seungyoun really did love him.
It was a cold stab to the heart for sure, a low blow, even, and something about how Hangyul answered so quickly that made Seungyoun’s stomach turn. The Hangyul that was beside him was nothing like that sweet, humorous and bright person that he learned to like through the trials and tribulations of Produce.
He was Hangyul’s first. He wanted to be Hangyul’s only .
“What?” The elder was in shock, considering Hangyul was one that always acted with his heart. “You’re not the type to just sleep around with people like that.” Hangyul was better than that, a kind soul who made people fall in love and valued his body and signs of physical affection.
Hangyul scoffed at the words, “I thought you weren’t the type to lead people on, but here we are.” His normally warm a jovial eyes were frigid. “And if you wanted to know when I changed, I learned it all from you .”
“When the hell did I lead you on?” The all arounder’s face screamed pure confusion, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to think of any point in time when he played with Hangyul’s feelings. They were obviously attracted to one another: they kissed, had sex, and spent so much time together. What was there to question?
The younger tried not to cry at the words, face heating up. “So you really don’t know, huh,” he shook his head in disbelief. Could someone really be so dense? Did Seungyoun just treat everyone like this them?
Leave it to the great Cho Seungyoun to spend months stringing Hangyul along like a fool, only to admit that he didn’t think he was doing anything malicious at all. Honestly, it was so absurd that Hangyul was torn between letting tears out or laughing at the sheer stupidity of himself.
“Seungyoun,” Hangyul said again, his voice low and serious as he commanded the attention of the elder with ease, “What am I to you?”
“We’re…” He trailed off, at a loss for words in the moment as he realized he couldn’t define what they were. How could he tell Hangyul that he treasured him so much, and loved him to the very core?
It was frustrating really, having so many emotions and not being able to express them properly. The words he tried so dearly to express got caught midway in his throat, perhaps stuck on the building tension and panic that rose from his gut all the way up as he attempted to answer.
“Of course you can’t answer,” Hangyul decided to speak, seeing as Seungyoun was frozen where he sat. “You can’t get it straight and be forward with me. Maybe I should have made the first move and asked you upfront, but you’re the first person I’ve loved like this, and I didn’t know how to approach you. I was shy and gullible like the dumb teenager that I am.”
The elder’s eyes widened, realizing that Hangyul was confessing to him. “Hangyul, I-”
“I’m not done yet.”
Seungyoun quickly recoiled and stopped talking, letting Hangyul continue.
“I feel deep. I did everything and anything that you wanted.” The bitter smile that graced Hangyul’s handsome features seemed so out of place. Seungyoun hated seeing him like that, hated seeing him sad and broken.
“You never told me what we were. I was so dumb and In love that I let you keep hurting me. And I just never told you how much it hurt to see you with other people. I felt like a fucking joke, like I was just the person you fucked in secret and then ignored until you finally needed another fix.”
It all clicked into place in Seungyoun’s mind. So that’s what Hangyul meant by leading him on.
He was never a person for words, assuming that everything was clear between them, but obviously, he was mistaken. They were the jokers of the group. Seungyoun never thought that his teasing moments with other members made Hangyul feel like he was being disregarded.
Or maybe, a part of him really did know of Hangyul’s feelings, and kept pushing it because it felt so good to know that Hangyul would be there. A reassurance that he was always loved, and that Hangyul be there for him, but was he there Hangyul?
“Sometimes I forget that you’re only nineteen,” Seungyoun’s voice was a mere whisper, soft voice heavy with regret. “You’re so damn strong that I forget that I’m the elder. Hangyul, I’m so sorry for everything, for not being stronger, for being the one that ran away.”
The younger stood up. “Cut the crap.”
Hangyul easily cut off Seungyoun’s apology, too far in his emotions and his rant to really give a damn about what the all arounder wanted to say. All he could think about was his damn feelings for Seungyoun, and how much he was hurt over the past few months.
“I’m hurt. I’m fucking tired of never getting anything back in return. Do you know how many times I’ve cried over you?”
Silence.
“I hate that I love you so much, that you’re the dream that I wished for all this time, that you were the only one that I wanted all this time.” Hangyul was crying at this point, voice raised and aimed at the elder who sat frozen on the bed.
“Gyul,” Seungyoun started, trying to calm him down, alarmed by the wet tears that glistened as they ran down Hangyul’s cheeks. “Please don’t cry, I’m here for you now.” He captured wet cheeks between his hands, pulling Hangyul’s face into the crook of his neck as he embraced him.
He let the younger wet his shirt in tears, though usually he would make a fuss about getting his treasured clothing covered in tears and snot, he deserved it. He deserved to hurt, because even if the man of his dreams had just confessed to him, he was the one that ruined him, he was the one that didn’t see everything. A blind fool.
Seungyoun knew, only he could save Hangyul, only he could tell him the words that Hangyul needed to hear the most:
“I love you”
But life wasn’t easy. Hangyul was crying in his arms, practically asking to be loved and to be saved, and yet, those three damn words just couldn’t leave his lips.
“Hangyul,” expectant eyes met his, and something inside of him froze. Typical. Losing his words right when he needed them most. Seungyoun felt like he was stuck in sleep paralysis: mind reeling with all his thoughts and cries, but no matter how much he screamed and yelled from the depths of his mind, he couldn’t reach reality.
He was drowning, not in his own dark thoughts like he used to, back when he was lost and had no idea what his future would be. No, this time, the future was obvious, spelled out for him the moment his named was called on the night of the finale.
The future was Hangyul, the future was X1, but no matter what path he took, he still found himself drowning. This time, he was sinking down with Hangyul in his arms, consumed by how much they loved each other and how much they needed each other.
Seungyoun needed to swim, to reach the light above so that he could break the surface and finally scream from his core just how much he loved Hangyul.
But what was in his way? Was it the fear of messing things up? Of having Hangyul end up as another tragic end to another chapter of his life? Or was it fear that he could be ending both of their careers by admitting his own feelings?
Like his career even mattered, he derisively scoffed in his mind, still trapped in his thoughts, still with the warm presence of Hangyul in his arms, fingers clutching his shirt so intensely, as if Seungyoun would disappear if he let go.
He wouldn’t leave. He would never leave, because Hangyul was worth it.
Hangyul was worth the tears, worth the pain, worth the nagging fear that they would be caught, because at the end of the day, the younger’s smile was all that it took to chase away the poison that seeped in the corners of his mind.
So Seungyoun swam upwards, towards the glistening edge of the water, letting the weight of his inhibitions slip from his body.
Breaking the surface was a dizzying feeling: the rush of all the senses and emotions going haywire, but Seungyoun knew what he had to do, finally grounded to reality and out of his head.
Desperate hands gently wrapped around Hangyul, letting Seungyoun feel the little sobs that still made Hangyul’s body shudder erratically. A deep breath collected his thoughts, collected his composure as Seungyoun tried again.
“Hangyul, listen to me, okay?”
Hangyul had moved back, face looking ethereal in the low light, giving Seungyoun his full attention.
“I love you, and I’m so sorry it took me this long to say it.”
Hot tears began rolling down Hangyul’s face once again, this time joined by Seungyoun’s as well.
“I love you so much, and I promise that I’ll give you everything, even if I’m a coward, even if I keep fucking up. I love you so much that I can’t even express it in words. I write songs about you, I hide them in my notebook, you’re my muse-”
Soft lips captured his, and suddenly Hangyul was in his lap, like nothing had changed when in fact, everything had changed. This was real, not some uneasy status quo that they kept up for the sake of appearances and insecurity. Hangyul was real, Seungyoun was real, and they loved each other and needed each other.
Seungyoun wasn’t assuming that Hangyul felt the same anymore, he knew Hangyul loved him, feeling the warmth of his body flush against his, and the warmth of his emotions seeping through as well.
Hangyul wasn’t in the darkness anymore: he had Seungyoun under him, heart beating just as erratically as his, hands just as desperate as his, love just as deep as his.
They didn’t need words to know that they were hopelessly in love with each other.
Hot breaths filled the air as they broke apart. The kiss was desperate, nowhere near the ones they shared while succumbed to the throes of their lust, but filled with love, kissing as if it was their last, attempting to convey far too many feelings in one go, but perhaps it was their first real kiss.
They were still crying, tears streamed down their faces as they took in each other’s appearance.
A fucking mess, really, with their red faces, crumpled clothing and dishevled hair. But in the pale moonlight that illuminated their faces, they couldn’t help but see how beautiful the other was.
Swollen lips and faces, yet they’d laugh about it the next morning as if it was a fever dream that they both woke up from, because they were dumb like that.
The silence that they basked in was only normal, natural for them. They lay together in bed, hands clasped together and the blanket laid lightly over their legs and parts of their abdomens. Even if they risked sleep paralysis, they were on their backs and looked blankly up at the ceiling, processing all that happened.
Words really couldn’t match this level of intimacy, the peak of their chemistry was their mutual understanding of each other.
That their tears meant “I love you.”
That kisses meant “ I adore you, in every shape and form.”
That their connected hands meant “I’ll never let you go.”
That their silence meant “I know that everything will be okay, my love.”
And that was all they needed: hidden meanings and odd intentions that only they could understand.