Chapter Text
Getting back to his and Harry's shared flat is weird.
Apparently Louis was only unconscious for a day. The only reason the hospital released him is because he's famous, and he told them he didn't want the fans figuring out he was in the hospital, as it would cause much unneeded drama.
Louis has to have someone with him at ALL times. Which means one of the boys, has to moderate him even when he goes to the damn bathroom, and when he sleeps. It sucks, but he's on suicide watch. Like he would off himself so soon after getting out of the hospital.
To be honest, he still doesn't want to live, not even a little bit, but what can he do?
Niall and Liam are forcing him to see a therapist, or whatever, because they think it might help with his depression.
He's also on some medication, that's supposed to help.
Louis doubts it will.
Louis walks into his bedroom, Niall trailing behind him, being his official guardian for today. Geez, he feels like a child again, people keeping an eye on him.
The room is a mess. Glass from the mirror and window is laying all over the floor, and Louis has to watch his step, making sure he doesn't cut his already injured foot. His busted alarm clock is laying on the ground in pieces, but, there's a puddle of dried blood. There's quite a ton of it, and he can just imagine himself laying on the floor, gash on his forehead and his wrists slowly bleeding out, about to pass out only 48 hours ago. It's not a nice thought.
His window is still busted open, a slight draft coming in. He'll have to cover it with a board until he can call someone in to fix it.
"You were bad..." Niall says, from the doorway.
"What?" Louis asks, startled.
"You were in bad shape. Imagine my surprise when I got a call at 4:30 AM from Harry, telling us you were at the hospital. Went to visit you as soon as I could. You should have seen Harry...I can only imagine how he felt when he found you." Niall replies, sounding wistful.
"I wanted him to find me, y'know?"
"Why?"
"I wanted him to see what he made me do, even though he didn't know it was because of him," Louis laughs bitterly, "God, I sound so selfish, don't I?"
"A little," Niall jokes, then more serious, says, "Have you heard from them? Haven't seen them since yesterday when they ran. I'm kind of worried,"
"Nope, I haven't heard from either of them...has Liam?"
"Nah, I called him earlier, he said the same thing as us."
Louis groans, "We'll worry about that later...so...wanna help me clean this mess up?"
"Yeah, no way," Niall denies instantly.
"PLEASE!" Louis begs.
"Nope."
"Please."
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Please!!"
"FINE! Just shush, will ya?" Niall laughs, giving in.
"Yay." Louis says unenthusiastically.
Harry's POV
-BEFORE-
Harry hears a crash from next door. Which Is Louis' room.
At first, he thinks Louis probably just dropped something, but then he hears more crashes and bangs, and he starts to get worried.
He ignores it for a while, but his concern wins over.
"I'll be right back," Harry tells the girl, Jasmine, that he picked up from some club.
"Fine, whatever," She says, twirling her hair around her finger, and looking bored.
He wonders how she can look so casually bored when she was moaning his name not a second ago.
Harry hurriedly slips on some boxers, and walks next door.
When he opens the door, he's not expecting to see Louis lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood, and broken glass surrounding him, the room a complete wreck.
Harry's not sure where the blood is coming from, but he drops to his knees next to Louis and tries to wake him up.
"Louis? Louis, wake up!" Harry says, words rushed.
He shakes Louis, but he doesn't move.
Louis isn't breathing.
"FUCK! Louis, wake up, baby!" Harry whispers, putting a hand on Louis' cheek.
Still, there's nothing.
Please, please, I need you, Louis, I need you. Don't leave me, I'm so sorry, I love you, love you so so much, just wake up!" Harry yells, voice cracking as he sobs.
He grabs his phone out of his pocket, and hurriedly dials 911.
Once he gives them his address and they say they're on their way, he quickly goes back to his room, where Jasmine is waiting.
"Finally, you're back," She says seductively.
"You need to leave..." Harry replies, ignoring her advances.
"What? Why?" Jasmine asks, pouting.
"Because, I said so. I've got a, uh, family emergency." He lies.
"Fine." She huffs, grabbing her stuff, and slamming the door on her way out.
Harry goes back to Louis' room and waits for the ambulance.
He's panicking and worried, and so so scared.
If Louis dies, he's not sure how he'll live with himself.
Because that would mean Louis died thinking Harry hates him.
Please, live, I need you, don't die on me, Harry thinks, tears falling down his face.
"I love you, " He mutters,
-NOW-
Zayn gulps audibly, but stays silent.
"Answer me. I need to know what you meant when you said that. Louis told me it was my fault. That I'm the reason he tried to kill himself, but he didn't explain, and I need answers." Harry demands.
"You've got to tell me. Please, I need to know." Harry says, desperately.
"I can't. I'm sorry." Zayn shrugs, playing nonchalant.
"Zayn."
"I already said, I can't tell you. It's not my secret, or story, or whatever, to tell. It's Louis'. If you want to know you have to ask him." Zayn answers, shaking his head no.
"Please, Zayn. We both know that if it's important, Louis won't tell me." Harry begs.
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because I've been a complete, and total jackass to Louis, and I need to know how to make things right. And if I don't know what I did that made him try to attempt freaking suicide, then I can't make it up to him."
"I don't think you're ready for this," Zayn admits, sighing.
"I am. I can handle whatever it is." Harry replies, determined.
"Fine, okay," Zayn pauses, "I'll tell you."
Louis' POV
-BEFORE-
Louis had just gotten back from visiting Liam.
He was definitely not expecting to walk into his and Harry's flat and see Harry fucking some skank on THEIR kitchen counter.
"Oh god," Louis mutters to himself, though he must have said it quite loud because Harry and the girl instantly look to him.
Harry raises an eyebrow, "Kind of busy here..."
He hurries and races into his bedroom, closing the door, and sliding down against the wall.
Louis can't help it, and tears instantly well up in his eyes.
Every single day, he hears Harry fucking random girls. It's usually at night, and this is the first time he's actually SEEN it.
It's hell, is what it is.
He just doesn't understand, why does Harry hate him? They were best friends, inseperable, just months ago.
And now Harry is either avoiding him like the plague, or picking on him and being an arrogant asshole
Louis is so confused, and so hurt.
Everything is a mess.
But maybe Harry will stop being rude eventually?
It's just wishful thinking.
-NOW-
Niall helped him clean up most of the room, most of it. They picked all the glass up off the floor so that Louis doesn't accidentally injure himself further. The only thing that hasn't been cleaned up is the alarm clock, that's shattered to pieces in the corner of the room, and the broken window, which Niall helped him board up.
Louis is exhausted, and he's still sore, everywhere. He decided that he'll finish cleaning up his room tomorrow, after he gets a good night of sleep in HIS bed. Finally, no more uncomfortable hospital beds. Even though he wasn't there long, the hospital bed hurt his back real bad, and he couldn't sleep last night, which is probably why he's so tired today.
Louis' phone buzzes in his back pocket and he turns it on.
He's got a text from Zayn, who they haven't heard from since the day before.
From Zayn: Don't hate me lou! I did it for your own good, and sorry anyways for telling!! xx.
He slip his phone back into his pocket and wonders what Zayn meant.
Telling? Telling what? And why would Louis hate him?
Louis shakes his head, confused.
He'll have to talk to Zayn later, and figured out what he meant.
Stupid Zayn and his cryptic texts,
"Ugh, I'm regretting helping you..." Niall says, coming back from the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand.
"What? You barely did anything except stand there and order me around." Louis replies, chuckling.
"Nuh uh. I was telling you what pieces of glass you missed." Niall protests, taking a big bite of his sandwich.
"No, you're just lazy." Louis says, giving Niall a playful push.
"No, I'm very useful, don't deny it," Niall says, then more serious, " I was really worried, y'know? I don't think I've gotten a chance to tell you that yet. But I love you, you and the other boys are my best friends, and it just wouldn't be the same without you. You can deny it all you want, but we love you, and we need you, no matter what you say. And we don't just need you for the band, we need you because you're our best friend, and the band, the money, it's all just a bonus compared to the wonderful friendship that I have with you guys. So don't ever think that no one cares, because I do, we all do."
Louis is touched. He didn't know Niall felt that way. Niall usually isn't the very serious type, always joking around.
"Thank you, for saying that, Ni. And I love you, too. I really needed that, y'know? I know people care, I do, but sometimes...I just forget, I guess, and with Harry, and all, it's just really easy to forget..."
"Don't get all gushy on me," Niall says, and then he plants a sloppy kiss on Louis' cheek,
"Ewww, Niall! You got mustard all over me now!" Louis complains.
"You're welcome," Niall says with a cheeky smile.
Someone clears their throat from behind them.
Louis turns around slowly, and.
It's Harry.
Which Louis was not expecting.
His heart thumps loudly in his chest, and he tells himself to calm down,
"HARRY!" Niall exclaims, "Where've you been, mate?"
"I was with Zayn. He wanted to talk to me." Harry answers, looking at Louis.
"Oh? So that's why you guys weren't answer our calls!"
"Listen, Niall, could I talk to Louis? Alone?"
"Yeah, sure," Niall says, looking suspicious, "I'll just be in the kitchen."
Once Niall has left, Harry moves closer to Louis.
"Hi, Louis."
"Harry," Louis breathes, "What do you want?"
"To talk to you, obviously."
"About what?"
"About what you said in the hospital. When you said I was the reason you tried to kill yourself." Harry replies.
"What about it?" Louis asks, trying not to feel guilty.
"What did you mean? What did I do?" Harry questions.
"It was nothing. I was just really mad at you, for calling me an attention whore, and it was a heat of the moment thing. I didn't really mean it, y'know? Believe me, you had nothing to do with my suicide attempt." Louis lies, putting on a fake smile.
Harry raises an eyebrow, takes a step closer, "I know you're lying,"
"What?" Louis asks, shocked, "I'm not lying..."
Louis goes to take a step back, but realizes he's back up against the wall. Damn. Harry is so close, too close. Louis can feel Harry's minty breath hitting his face when he speaks. It takes everything in Louis, just to not look at Harry's lips as he talks.
"Yes, you are." Harry smirks, "I talked to Zayn, remember?"
Suddenly, realization hits Louis in the face.
What did Zayn tell him?
Fuck, it all makes sense now, what with that cryptic-like text.
"What did he tell you?" Louis asks, taking a deep breath, preparing himself.
"The truth," Harry says, teasingly.
"And that is?"
"That you're in love with me..." Harry answers, putting his arms against the wall, and trapping Louis in.
Louis can feel all the blood drain from his face. Literally. He knows. Harry knows. Oh shit, this is horrible. Louis wasn't planning on telling Harry, ever. Because now Harry will hate him even more then he already does, and he'll make fun of him for it, and tease him, all for something Louis can't help. This is a complete nightmare. Louis has to live with Harry and now Harry knows, and he'll still bring girls home, but this time he'll know that it's hurting Louis, and he won't care. And Harry will pity him, but he won't do anything differently, except feel sorry for him.
And Zayn told him. His best friend betrayed him.
"Is it true, then?" Harry asks.
"Yes..." Louis says reluctantly. What's the point in lying anymore?
"Good," Harry says, and then he does the unexpected, and kisses Louis.
Louis doesn't really think anything except, oh my god, what the hell? Harry is kissing me, he's kissing me. He kisses Harry back, savoring the moment, completely confused and dazed at the thought that the boy he's been in love with for four years is kissing him. Harry bites Louis' bottom lip, and he has to stifle a moan, tangling his hands in Harry's curly hair, and pulling him closer. It's like a dream come true, and kissing Harry is better then he could have ever imagined. But then he realizes that Harry is kissing him for no reason.
Louis pulls away sharply, "What the hell?"
"What?" Harry asks, looking adorably confused.
"You kissed me!" Louis exclaims.
"I know."
"Why?"
"Because you're in love with me,"
"But YOU are NOT in love with me!"
"Yes, I am, Louis. I love you, okay? I'm in love with you, and I always have been." Harry admits, finally.
"What...?" Louis asks, stunned.
"I'm in love with you, Louis." Harry repeats.
"No, you're not. You're straight! You fuck girls! And you hate me!" Louis points out.
"I don't hate you."
"Yes, you do. You've treated me like shit for the past year, avoided me at all costs, and ridiculed me!"
"How about this? You ask questions, and I'll answer?" Harry suggests.
"Fine," Louis huffs, sitting down on his bed.
Harry sits down besides him, making sure to keep some distance.
"Okay, so what the fuck do you mean when you say you're in love with me?" Louis asks right away.
"Alright, so this is kind of a long story-"
"I've got time," Louis says, cutting Harry off, "So continue,"
"Okay. So around a year ago, we were best friends, as you know. And that's all we were. Friends. I was fine with that. Until I started noticing you differently. I started noticing that I, uh, liked you. Liked how you look. I liked how you always touched me. I liked you eyes, and your voice, and your body, and everything about you. And I realized that I was attracted to you. I panicked. Because I've never been attracted to a guy before you, so it was...a surprise.
You were my best friend, and having a crush on your 'straight' best friend isn't good when there's no chance of the feelings being returned. I knew that if I told you how I feel, you would turn me down. Reject me, and then everything would be awkward and you'd pity me, and I would still love you all the same. I evaluated our whole friendship, all the little touches, the stuff I had never noticed before. The way I was drawn to you.
It wasn't until I realized that I'm in love with you that things went bad. I thought you were straight. I knew I was in love with you, so I started being a total asshole to you. I wanted you to hate me. I thought if you hated me, I wouldn't love you anymore because we would no longer be in contact or talking. It was a stupid idea. Because then I was an asshole, you hated me, and I still loved you, except then I couldn't freely touch you like I wanted to and it hurt more than anything." Harry pauses, tears rolling down his face.
"Keep going," Louis says softly.
Harry nods,
"I thought that if you knew how I felt, the band would be ruined. Everything would be ruined because of me, and Liam, Zayn, and Niall wouldn't be able to save it. It would be awkward and tense.
All those girls I've fucked, they mean absolutely nothing to me. And I wish I could take it back, I wish I had never been with any of them, but I can't. I only slept with them to keep my mind off of you. To distract myself, otherwise I would think of you and I would ache with how much I wanted you to love me.
And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, Louis, and I know that say 'I'm sorry' is just words, but I mean it, even if you don't believe me. I didn't know you loved me, I had no clue. If I had known- god, if I had known, I would have never done the things I did. I was a jackass, and I hurt you, and- fuck, you tried to kill yourself because of me, and to know that it was my fault, it's like drowning. It's fucking misery."
As soon as he finishes, Louis is jumping into his arms and squeezing the hell out of him.
\
"You love me? Like for real? You're not going to leave me, or realize that it was a mistake?" Louis asks cautiously.
"I love you more than life, Lou, and I never want to be without you. I love you so fucking much. If you had died, I don't know what I would do. I would probably off myself. I can't imagine life without you. You're everything I want and all I need." Harry admits, brushes his hand across Louis' cheek.
"I love you, too." Louis says, leaning into Harry's touch.
"I haven't fully forgiven you yet," Louis adds, "You put me through hell for a year! I need to know you're serious about this. About us...Because I can't take anymore bullshit."
"I'm as serious as I'll ever be. I'm not going to mess up. And I would never kid around about this sort of thing."
"I believe you..."
"One more thing," Harry says.
"Yeah?" Louis questions, tilting his head.
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
Louis beams, "Of course, you dumbass. This is all I've ever wanted."
"Can you tell me your side of the story?" Harry asks.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, can you tell me everything? How long you've been in love with me, and all that. How you realized it. I have a lot I need to make up for." Harry replies.
"Uh, I realized it back in 2011. We were close, and I liked it, how it felt when you held me in your arms. I felt safe, and warm and happy. And I've always known I'm gay. It's just something I've known since I was little. There was a connection, instantly, when we met. But when I realized I'm in love with you, I was surprised, and scared, and worried. You were my best friend. My straight, well I thought you were straight, best friend, and being in love with you was scary.
It wasn't that much different. Not really. I had you. You held me, and kissed me on the nose, and told me you loved me, and back then, it was enough. I had you and it was enough. It was enough, even if you didn't love me in that way. But it was scary because I knew that if I told you, it would ruin our friendship. You wouldn't cuddle me, or tell me you loved me, because you would be scared I would take it wrong, or make a move on you. At least, that's what I thought.
And then, suddenly, what we had wasn't enough. It was never enough. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to kiss me on the lips, and tell me how you were in love with me, and I wanted you to make love to me. I wanted it all. I wanted all of you! But I knew I couldn't make you love me, couldn't make you want me.
I was desperate. Desperate for your love. But you flirted with girls, and had short flings that I tried to ignore. But, seeing you with other people, random girls, it hurt like hell, and I knew I had to live with it if I wanted to be in your life, but it was still hard. I wanted to be them, wanted to have you the way they did.
I told Zayn about my feelings for you. I needed to tell someone, and he was my best friend, and I knew that I could trust him. He wasn't surprsised, said he knew it was going to happen eventually, which shocked me, but he was supportive, and he saved me until that night when he couldn't." Louis says, finishing.
"What about when I was an asshole to you? How'd you feel then?" Harry asks, curious.
"Honestly? It broke my fucking heart," Louis answers, voice a little choked, "You broke my fucking heart. And finally, that night, my headphones broke, and I was so sick of it all. I was tired of being ignored, and hurt. And I missed the way you held me, and how your voice was specially soft with me, and I was just done. Next thing I knew, I was throwing my alarm clock, and breaking my mirror, window, and lamp. Then I was grabbing a piece of glass of the ground, sliding across my wrist and sobbing because I loved you a little too much. And all I could think, is, I hope Harry finds me and sees what he's done to me."
Harry sits a little stunned.
"You wanted me to find you?"
"Yes. It sounds so horrible. But I had hoped that if you saw me laying there dead, you would realize what you had done." Louis says, embarrassed.
"It's not. You had every right to feel that way. And I'm sorry Louis. I'm so so sorry. I wish I had never made you feel like that! God, I'm so stupid, such a fool. I love you, y'know? I love you and I'm sorry, and I know that doesn't make up for what I did, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm not ever going to hurt you again." Harry says.
"I love you, too." Louis says.
"I promise. I'll never hurt you again."
"Harry, it's fine. You love me, and I love you, and this is a fucking dream come true."
"But I was such an asshole!"
"H, it's not important anymore. It's in the past. Let's live in the now, yeah? I don't want to dwell on the times when you didn't love me, and I was miserable."
"I'm still sorry." Harry says stubbornly.
"Quit apologizing and kiss me," Louis replies, smiling.
So Harry does...
That's a good way to shut him up, Louis thinks as Harry kisses him.
He knows there's still a lot that needs to be worked out, like his cutting addiction, and his depression, but right now, he's happy.
Louis can't really describe how he's feeling right now. He's so fucking happy. He finally has the love of his life kissing him, and loving him back, and honestly, things couldn't get better. It feels unreal. Like a dream he'll wake up from. But it's not. It's reality, and Louis has never been happier.
The End.