Chapter Text
The first thing I noticed after waking up was that I had a killer headache and I felt weirdly disconnected. I went along with my morning routine as normal but I felt like I was missing something. Sometimes I’ll have a really sad dream and I’ll end up crying in my sleep so much that I wake up with puffy eyes or tear stains down my face. Today was one of those days.
Dad was nowhere to be found and mama wasn’t in the kitchen or her room. I stayed rational and checked everywhere before I started freaking out. Looking out the bathroom window I could see mama standin’ out there smoking. Normally I like to say bye before leaving but from what I could tell she looked sad so I thought it was best not to mess with her.
Something was really weird though, all throughout my morning I kept expecting something that never came and I never knew what it was I was supposed to see or interact with. But I pushed it aside and told Tricia I was ready. She texted back that Craig was stopping by Mcdonald’s for breakfast and she had packed me a jelly sandwich for lunch. Everyday without fail for the last year she’s packed me a lunch, she’s just considerate like that.
I thought dad was gone but when I walked in the garage for my extra gloves I found him just sitting on an old box with a full beer can in his hand. He was spacing out really bad and muttering to himself, I thought for sure he had taken something. I was trying to be as quiet as possible but he must have heard me the second I opened the door because without blinking or looking up he asked in this weird distant voice if something was different. I said no and bolted out the door before Tricia could text me she was here.
My parents were acting weird as hell and I didn’t like it one bit.
Reaching Craigs car was refreshing, it felt like things were going to be normal again but then Tricia started showing me pictures we took yesterday and one in particular made my heart drop and my eyes fill with tears. The picture was cute, it was of me in target holding this stuffed animal rat but for some reason it was making me really emotional. “Tricia did something happen that day?”
“What? No we just fucked around in Target. Do you not remember? It was only yesterday and I know you don’t have alztimers yet.” Something definitely felt wrong but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. I took her phone and swiped, there was a video of me throwing another stuffed animal but I could have sworn something else happened.
Have you ever fallen asleep binge watching a show and then you wake up and it’s still playing but you have no clue what’s happening? That’s what it felt like for me, it felt like I had somehow missed something or my life had been lived without me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel absent from your own life.
All day something was bothering me, I would turn corners and expect to run into someone who I couldn’t name. Or start to tell a story but then realize I don’t remember it. It got a million times weirder when I got cornered by this boy in Craigs grade named Butters Stotch. He looked like someone had died, he was all sad and had blood shot eyes along with messy hair. He was talking crazy talk. I felt a little unnerved; I had barely spoken to the guy save for one time I bumped into him but we didn’t exchange more than three sentences to each other.
He was going on and on, begging me to just please remember. I had no idea what he was going on about and he kept saying shit like “please if anyone could remember it has to be you” he said please so many times it was starting to sound weird. He was completely off his rocker. Thankfully one of his friends from his grade saw the scene and got him away from me.
That interaction disturbed me more than it should have. Something was definitely wrong and it annoyed me to no end that I couldn’t piece together what. It was like the puzzle pieces were falling into place but I simply didn’t have them all yet.
I had to take the bus home which is always the worst part of the day. Tricia wasn’t even with me because she had drama club. On the bright side it meant I got to listen to my music the whole way back, I used to try and read while on the bus since I’m the last stop it made me too car sick.
The bus ride wasn’t too terrible, it got even better once Butters got off and I didn’t have to feel weird or uncomfortable. I finally felt like I could relax and breathe again. I could enjoy the way the snow from last night sparkled or how the sun made the dust in the air light up like mini stars.
You know how when busses stop they have this little stop sign that pops off the side so kids won’t get hit? Well today I learned that sometimes people ignore those signs and sometimes people don’t see a teenage girl walking across the road.
I also learned for the first time how painful death can be.
In what felt like minutes later I opened my eyes, my ceiling staring back at me. I had one thought coursing through my head
what the fuck.
For the first time but definitely not the last, I learned what it felt like to have no one remember.