Chapter Text
It had been two months since Hobi's birthday, he was still struggling a bit but things had been so much better.
True to their word the Boys were helping Hobi as much as they could.
Hobi was never left alone, there was always a member with him in everything he did. Except for showering, it was the one place he was alone. Hobi would still cry letting the water wash away his tears, the sound of it rushing out masking any sounds of his sobs. He knows they know he cries in there, but they don't say anything about it. Jin had told him the day of his birthday when they got back to the dorm that it was okay for him to cry, and if he needed to be alone or on one of their shoulders to do it that it was okay, just to never forget that they were there for him.
Hobi still weighed very little but he was slowly gaining back the weight he had lost, Jin forced Hobi to stay with him whenever he prepared meals and a member always stayed with him until he finished his meal. the first week had been hard, he threw up anything he ate, at first it was habit to force it up, then it was just his body rejecting it. Jimin had to install a lock on their shared bathroom on the outside so Hobi couldn't sneak in there to throw up at first. Jimin had found Hobi on the second day with the end of a tooth brush pushed down his throat forcing himself to bring back up the lunch they'd just eaten.
They had both cried that day holding onto each other like either could slip from their grasp. Jimin would never let Hobi leave again and Hobi was too scared he would lose them for being stupid and taking things to heart. Jimin and the rest of the members had told him time and time again he wasn't stupid that they should have done more to realise what was happening.
The nightmares had come back and were worse than ever over the weeks he'd been back at the dorm. each night he would wake up gasping for air covered in sweat, his throat sore from obviously screaming in his sleep. Only now he woke up in the arms of his friends. They took turns staying with him, Hobi wasn't expecting it, the first night back Yoongi had come into his and Jimin's shared room carrying a pillow under his arm "I'm staying with you tonight" he had told Hobi, Yoongi had climbed in beside him giving Jimin a knowing nod before pulling Hobi down with him and holding him close. Hobi could feel the warmth radiating from Yoongi and it was calming. for so long he had been forcing himself to stay awake scared of the nightmares, Yoongi had rubbed his back softly that night whispering calmly in his ear that he was there and not going anywhere.
even now two months later as he looked beside him as Yoongi held him tight after he'd had another nightmare he felt his body instantly relax, that same warmth from night one clinging to him beneath the sheets.
"do you want to talk about it?" Yoongi would ask, and sometimes Hobi would, he would tell him every detail and Yoongi would try to help him make sense of them. and sometimes he wouldn't say a thing, Yoongi would hold him closer during those times.
Some nights got so bad that it took a few members to get him to wake up, Jimin usually being the second, each night as the nightmare overtook him Jimin would wake and watch as one of his fellow members comforted Hobi (unless it was his night) and when he could tell it wasn't enough he would climb out of bed and walk over to help whoever was with Hobi that night, sandwiching Hobi between himself and whoever else was there with him.
The members complimented him more, Hobi was uneasy about it at first and he told them that they don't need to compliment him if it was just to try make him feel better and they would time and time again reassure him that they weren't, that each compliment they gave him was genuine and from the bottom of their hearts. Hobi still had a hard time looking in the mirror without seeing the horrible thing he imagines himself to be, he broke the mirror in their shared bathroom out of anger one day. Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung had gone around with markers leaving little messaging covering all the mirrors in the house with things they loved about him, when he first saw them he cried. he wasn't sure if they were tears of happiness or sadness. part of him felt so lucky to have members who loved himself so much, but another part of him hated that even with these beautiful words his brain still doubted himself and the way he looked.
Yoongi and Namjoon asked if he would like to try make a song expressing his feelings, they told him that it never had to come out if he didn't want it to, but just as a way to let his emotions out.
Hobi thought it seemed stupid at first, but he gave it some thought and before he knew it he was staring at a page filled with words that he had spilled onto the paper. Yoongi sat by his piano with Hobi one afternoon and started playing random bits when Hobi had asked him to write the music for his song. Yoongi smiled and nodded not saying a word before looking over the things Hobi had already written and began to play something he thought would fit the emotion.
It only took Yoongi a few hours to get a piece done and Hobi had listened to it a million times since then. His mind had still been a mess and wasn't sure how to get the words he had written into proper lyrics, it was frustrating him. this should be easy, he helps write music often so why couldn't he do this. Namjoon had walked in on Hobi throwing a scrunched up ball of paper towards the waste basket that had identical balls littering the floor around it. he sat with him and for the next week Namjoon helped him write the lyrics out for the song using what Hobi had already written.
"Come play with me!" Taehyung would shout through the Dorm late at night when Hobi was still up. "Look i have a new game to show you!" he would say pulling him into the living room. Hobi would sit obediently and watch Tae play games for hours. eventually Tae had forced Hobi to join in. and like today he was again sitting struggling to work out the controls to a game Tae had got them to play, but he wasn't frustrated he just laughed, he hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. the other members would sit around and watch them or join in from time to time and Hobi enjoyed how much time they were all spending together. not only for himself but for them too, Idol life was hard and hectic sometimes you forget to just enjoy the little things and for the first time in a while they were doing just that.
Hobi had begged Jimin and Jungkook to teach him the dance they had made, he cried again when they showed it to him in the dance studio. because of his fragile body it took him longer to master it than it normally would to learn choreography for a song. he hadn't danced with so much passion for ages, he felt his heart well up as he danced beside his members, his mouth turned up in a giant smile.
they all had continuously apologised to him whenever they could. the guilt had been eating away at them for not realising what they had done, Hobi would let them lean on him in those moments. they would apologise more for being selfish when they knew he was the one who needed the support but Hobi would shush them and tell them thank you. "you make me feel needed" he would say each time they cried in his arms, and it was true as hard as it was to see his members crying and in pain, the way they held on to him as they uttered an apology for the nth time he realised he was more than he believed, that they needed him as much as he needed them and he felt at home, felt safe and wanted, and needed just by doing this.
the hate online hadn't stopped, if anything it got worse, only this time Hobi didn't see it. the members deleted any and all social media apps and blocked the sites on his browser so he couldn't see it. his members had hosted lives separately while one kept Hobi company and Distracted. usually they would ignore the hate and let it pass by, but this time they couldn't. The members went to ARMY and begged for it to stop, that it was hurting Hobi deeply and hurting them as well seeing their best friend, their family go through it.
Army had banded together during this time and helped report the hundreds of haters they had seen, many sent through words of support for him, now all form of social media was flooded with words of love towards Hobi. The members were still nervous about him seeing something bad as they hadn't been able to get it to all go away yet so they held off from showing him the messages just yet.
and that leads us to today, their first Fan Meeting in a while. The members had spoken to the manager about postponing the other fan meetings that were planned due to his mental health and he had agreed on the condition that they went live at least twice a week to make up for letting down the fans, and they did it no questions asked.
Hobi woke calmly, it was the first night he hadn't had a nightmare in months. he carefully untangled himself from Namjoon's grip and walked into into the shared bathroom, he could still see the lock on the door even in the dim light of their room a reminder of his darkest moments. he stepped inside and shut the door before turning the light on. he blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the brightness. he looked at himself in the mirror passed the messages that were still covering the mirror and smiled for the first time at himself, even with his baggy clothes and messy hair he was happy, he didn't look as tired any more, he had gained back most of the weight and was nearly at a healthy size. he overall didn't look like the person he was two months ago. if he had seen just how bad he looked then with the mindset he has now he may have realised just how bad it had gotten, but he cant change the past, and he knew that his members would never let him get that way again even if he tried.
he was washing his face when the bathroom door opened with Namjoon looking at him a hint of worry behind his brown eyes.
"are you okay?" Namjoon said as the water dripped down his face watching as his member leaned against the frame of the door.
"Yeah, actually I am"Hobi answered grabbing the towel beside him and drying his face
"a-are you ready for..today?" Namjoon stuttered looking at him with unease
Hobi thought for a moment sighing deeply, he couldn't lie that he was beyond nervous but he was ready, he couldn't hide any longer "yeah, i'm ready" he said coming towards Namjoon
"if it gets too much you'll tell me right?" Namjoon pleaded his hands now on the elders shoulders as he walked towards him.
Hobi nodded with a small smile on his face "i promise", he wasn't expecting to be pulled into the hug but always enjoyed the feeling, each member had a distinct smell and warmth he had grown to love and it was something that helped anchor him down whenever he felt himself start to drift. even now the scent of soap filled his nose and made him grow sleepy, his head now rested on Namjoon chest
"are you still tired Hyung?" he heard him say, he chest vibrating underneath him
"mmm, a little" Hobi mumbled
without another word Namjoon guided him back to the bed and lied down beside him "go back to sleep, its still early, i'll wake up when its time" he said pulling the covers over the two of them.
Hobi let out a deep breath before letting sleep over take him. it was a little over an hour later when he felt someone shaking him softly
"Hyung, Jin Hyung says breakfast is ready, come and eat" Namjoon said kneeling beside the bed with a soft expression.
"Okay I'm coming" Hobi said sitting up, Jimin lay asleep next to him, when did he get into bed with him. he looked down at the younger who was curled in a ball holding the blankets
"I had to do something, so Jimin hopped in" Namjoon said looking at what Hobi was watching
"oh... okay" was all he said before slipping out from under the blankets and following Namjoon out into the dining area where some of the others were already gathered.
"Good morning Hobi Hyung!" Taehyung waved excitedly at the kitchen island eating a bowl of cereal.
"morning Tae" Hobi said rubbing his eyes as he took a seat at the island.
"Joonie said you were still tired so i made breakfast alone sorry" Jin said coming over with a plate of food for Hobi to eat
Hobi giggled a little with a smile "its okay Hyung, you don't have to wait for me every day"
"but i need my cooking partner with me!" Jin sulked
"i cant even cook!" Hobi stated
"even more reason for you to be here! so you can learn from the best" Jin exclaimed before smiling brightly.
Hobi smiled back before eating. he could feel the eyes on him as he began eating. he had somewhat relapsed with his eating. when he first noticed the weight come back on his thoughts drifted back to a bad place and again his members made sure he ate.
they didn't say anything but he could feel their worry. "this is really good Jin Hyung, thank you for cooking" Hobi said before stuffing more food into his mouth, he could see Jin melt at his words before turning away, he wanted to reassure them he was okay.
"What time do we need to be out of here?" Yoongi had said walking out of the hallway towards them, he pinched the piece of toast Hobi was about to bite into and began munching on it
"hey that was mine!" Hobi said as Yoongi made himself comfortable next to him at the island
"you should have eaten it faster then!" Yoongi teased
"Here you can have mine, i'll cook more" Jin said handing Hobi a fresh piece of toast before putting more bread into the toaster.
"and we leave in an hour, so don't dawdle and someone go wake Jimin up!" Jin said not turning around to look at them as they ate.
Jungkook was lost in the book he was reading while Tae, Hobi and Yoongi ate quietly. Jin continued to cook. Namjoon had walked up towards his room to obviously start getting ready.
"i'll go wake him up" Hobi had started before being cut off
"NO.. no you, you keep eating Kookie can do it" Yoongi said holding onto his arm making him sit back down
"Kookie! go wake Jimin up please" Yoongi half yelled to get his attention
the younger nodded his head before getting up from the table and heading up the hallways towards Jimin's room.
"So.. are you, you know..." Yoongi had started to say but stopped, he looked unsure of whether to keep going or not
"Yes, I'm going to be okay, you guys don't need to worry..."Hobi said answering the question that had been eating at Yoongi, and well really all the members
"it's okay if you aren't, we will be right beside you" Jin added
"Hyungs right!" Namjoon said coming back out into the kitchen now dressed with Jimin and Jungkook following behind.
Hobi looked around as all his members looked at him soft smiles on each of their faces, he hadn't noticed he started crying until Yoongi had wiped his cheek softly with his thumb, Hobi gasped unsure as to why he was even crying "I'm sorry" Hobi said as he felt more tears spill from his eyes. Yoongi pulled him into his arms "don't say sorry! don't ever say sorry" Yoongi said through gritted teeth, he wasn't angry at Hobi, he was angry at himself, that the poor boy still felt like he had to apologise for feeling the way he did, when it was their fault not his.
the other members watched in silence waiting to see how this would play out. it wasn't long before Hobi sat up Yoongi's arms dropping down sit on Hobi's thighs in front of him. Hobi was smiling even as his face was stained from the tears and his eyes were red. "thank you" was all he said for a long while. no one wanted to break the peaceful silence that had fallen over them, until the sound of an alarm went off.
"oh shit, we need to get ready FAST!" Namjoon said turning off the alarm. the Members all scurried off to get ready, five minutes later they were all cramming into the van to go to the fan meeting.
Hobi watched out the window as the rain slowly fell around them, the streets moving by with a blur. he had told himself he was ready but the closer he got the more nervous he felt. he felt like the walls were closing in on him, instinctively he reached for the closest hand he could find, it was Jungkook's hand that held his hand back.
"are you okay?" he asked him quietly interlacing their fingers together
Hobi carefully looked at Jungkook, trying his best not to breakdown now, he needed to be strong, he had to push through it, he couldn't bring himself to say anything, not without the fear of choking on tears instead.
"Hyung? its going to be okay" Jungkook whispered softly leaning in closer to him
"we will get through it together" Jungkook brought his other hand up and placed it on the back of Hobi's neck pulling him in so now their foreheads were leant against each others
" i promise we aren't going anywhere" his breath warm against Hobi's face he could feel how close he was.
Hobi took a deep shaky breath before looking up into Jungkook's eyes. "will i always be like this?" he asked louder than he meant gaining the attention of the rest of the van who were sat in front of them unaware of what had been playing out behind them.
"no you wont, you may never forget it, but you will be you again. only you will be stronger" Jungkook said back equally as loud to show his seriousness.
Hobi pulled Jungkook into a tight embrace the tears he'd been holding back spilling out soaking Jungkook's shoulder, his body shaking as he lost control of his sobs.
that's when Jungkook started to sing, softly an old song about a lighthouse and how the light brings everyone home. Jimin joined in, then Taehyung, soon everyone was singing in the car and Hobi calmed, his breathing steadied and he let a few final tears fall before pulling out of Jungkook's embrace.
the rest of the ride to the venue the members found songs to sing together to keep the mood light, Jungkook never let go of Hobi's hand occasionally squeezing it to remind him that he was there.
now they were sat in the waiting room the crowd just beyond the door chatting loudly as they waited for their cue to come out. Hobi was shaking slightly, his breathing ragged as he tried to calm himself, he was to come out last. as each member made their way in Hobi could hear them scream wildly showing their adoration for their Idols.
Hobi stood at the door willing himself to keep walking but his feet felt like they were cemented to the floor. {just go!} he screamed inside his head. but he was terrified, scared of the hate, of the eyes watching him, the mouths telling him he was no good. he was about to turn and run when he felt a hand on his shoulder, it was Jimin
"Come on, you can do it" Jimin said smiling at him before turning back and walking in. Hobi took one last deep breath and walked out, his eyes squeezed shut, it was silent and that terrified him more. he slowly forced his eyes open but he wasn't expecting what he saw there to be real. a sea of Fans with signs saying things like "HOBI IS THE BEST" "OUR SUNSHINE" "JHOPE IS OUR HOPE" yellow sunflowers were placed all around the room and a big yellow banner hung from the wall at the back that read "even in the rain you're still our Sunshine Hobi" and then the chanting started "HOBI HOBI HOBI" it was like the air had been sucked out of his lungs and replaced with fire, he felt his chest burn up and his eyes sting as he felt himself break, they loved him. "DON'T CRY HOBI!" "WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU HOBI!" Fans screamed as he felt himself fall into a kneeling position as he messily cried his members rushing over to hold him, a big group hug forming.
Hobi took one long look at each of his members as they helped him stand and then out at the sea of Army. He may not be okay today, and may not be tomorrow. hell he may not be okay in a months time, but that's okay, because one day he will be and he knows until that day comes where he can stand up alone that they will be beside him and that he will never be alone.
now if you are wondering if the song he wrote alongside Namjoon and Yoongi was ever released, well no it wasn't. but he did sing it for the members once, just once a year later as they sat around eating pizza and drinking beer together as they played stupid games and watched movies. they all cried that night, hearing their member spill out his deepest darkest thoughts brought them back to that time and the pain he went through.
they had vowed back then that they were going to make things better, now they still wonder if they did, still wonder if they could be doing more. any one who wasn't involved could take one look at Hobi now and say yes they did. he dances like hes walking on air, he laughs like he's heard the funniest thing in the world. he still fails miserably at playing games, but hes learnt to cook a lot of food thanks to Jin, he still has nightmares every so often, but they are few and far between. they still climb into bed beside him each night, mostly out of habit now. there is still hate online, but the amount of love for him and his members is so strong that you don't see it.
If you asked Hobi about that point of his life you would think he would say it was his lowest, and you'd be partially correct, but he would tell you how he had some of his happiest memories during that time. of his birthday party, of his members showering him with affection, of the fan meet that was full of sunflowers. it was a time that made him realise how special the ones around him are, and how this all made him stronger. Because time always heals and that you never have to go through it alone.