Chapter Text
Taeyong wasn’t sure when the feeling started; maybe it was when he was 16 and his first boyfriend threw him away like out of date foodstuffs. Feelings change, Taeyong knew that, but that knowledge didn’t soften the realization that the last two months of their relationship had been fake, almost entirely one-sided.
Then again, it might have been at 17 when he graduated high school and didn’t feel like inviting anyone for a celebration. It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t want to celebrate. It was more that he didn’t want to deal with the people. He didn’t want their obligatory congratulations. If someone was going to praise him for surviving the hellscape of high school, he wanted it to be genuine.
Too bad no one seemed genuine.
Ten’s smiles seemed faker as the days passed. Jaehyun’s warmth dulled with every hug. Even his mother’s heartfelt ‘goodbyes’ at the end of their phone calls became a little less heartfelt.
The numbness set in quickly. He spent his 18th birthday by himself, eyes glued to his computer as he chipped away at whatever record he was intent on breaking in whatever game he was occupying himself with. No one really wanted to see him anyway. Sure, he got a couple of birthday greetings via text, but that's just basic courtesy. Had it always been basic courtesy?
It was easier and easier to ignore and to placate as one month of being alone turned into two, turned into three, and everything blurred together until somehow he ended up on the railing of a bridge at dawn. He couldn't tell you how he got there, or why he was still dressed in his too-big sleep shirt and shorts, or why there was the faint stickiness of tear tracks on his wind-bitten cheeks.
A hollowness occupied his chest unlike any he'd felt before and when he registered it, he realized what he was doing there.
The thought had grossed his mind a time or two — killing himself — but he'd never been interested in pursuing the avenue. Now that he was standing there, staring down at the freezing winter water below, he was very interested.
"Taeyong!" someone called, familiar in a way that made Taeyong's hollow chest clench. Jaehyun. "Taeyong, what are you doing?!"
He doesn't care. Taeyong told himself, taking a deep breath to steady himself even as Jaehyun got closer. It'd just be inconvenient for him if I did it, right? No one cares.
No one had cared for a while.
"Taeyong!" Jaehyun's voice was frantic, growing closer by the second. "Please! I don't know why you're doing this; I don't know why you've shut us out, but please come away!"
Tears burned in the back of Taeyong's throat — tears of anger, he told himself, tears that told him Jaehyun was just getting in his way for some sense of duty to him. They'd been friends (or had they?), and so Jaehyun felt responsible (or did he?). Thinking about it made Taeyong's head hurt. He knew the water would make his head hurt too.
"Taeyong!" the final call was desperate, raw in that way voices got when they'd been shouting for too long, and when he stepped casually off the rail, Taeyong's mind dared to think, who else has he been yelling at today?
The water was freezing, like he knew it would be, and it stabbed into him like a hundred knives all at once, knocking what little air was in his lungs clear out. Immediately the water flooded in, burning his airways and filling him so wholly it nearly felt like an embrace he'd been craving. The darkness came over him peacefully, and he was fine with it.
Next he knew, Jaehyun was shaking him violently by the shoulders, pressing hard against his chest with both hands every few seconds. Taeyong heaved, shooting up and turning to vomit out the water he'd inhaled before coughing and desperately gulping down the fresh air.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Jaehyun demanded, taking Taeyong by the shoulders and shoving him down onto the rocky shore. Cold water dripped from Jaehyun's shivering form onto Taeyong, from his hair onto to Taeyong's face, and he realized — oh. Jaehyun came in after him.
Any further thought flew from Taeyong's mind the moment Jaehyun's hand connected with his cheek. His head jerked to the side, the pain of the slap dulled by the numbness settled over his body. He couldn't feel much of anything, really, but he could feel when Jaehyun's mouth pressed hard against his, and the shock of the moment was just enough for his heart to speed up, his blood to pump a little faster.