Chapter Text
At this point in time, under the gray sky and the sound of the raging sea, Atsushi’s heart is rising up to his throat as Dazai continues to walk with a skip in every step like they didn’t steal any uniforms from the people manning the boat they decided to raid over.
“Dazai-san,” Atsushi calls him as the other man hums. “Should we really be doing this?” He gestures to the uniform coats they’re wearing once Dazai turns to him.
The events happened far too quickly for him to remember every detail of the scenario. They managed to find a ship --- which obviously belonged to Fitzgerald --- delivering food and at first, they decided to do everything the “nice” way like how they had originally planned --- to ask people for help in contacting Yosano. However, easier said than done, the two men they decided to ask had threatened to call Mori once they recognized their uniforms and that was probably when Dazai’s hand cut through the air to hit the first man’s nape before he proceeded to punch the other’s jaw.
And then they were left with two working men out cold next to their feet.
“Let’s get their coats!” Dazai cheerfully said as if he wasn’t the one to blame.
Afterwards, they let themselves into the ship by using the identity cards inside the pocket of their stolen coats.
“Doing what exactly, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai titls his head and starts walking again as Atsushi follows.
“Knocking people out and stealing their clothes like pirates?”
“Pirates!” Dazai laughs at the term. “What a barbaric word!”
It’s exactly what we’re becoming, Dazai-san.
“We’re simply borrowing the coats since it already seems that they won’t stand by and listen to what we have to say. If Mori-san gets alerted that we tried to contact people from the outside then he’d make sure to get us back and who knows what he’ll do to the people still in the Guild.” Dazai continues and then waves his hand as if gesturing to Atsushi that he shouldn’t worry. “Aside from the coats covering our uniforms you also got to admit that it’s too cold, Atsushi-kun! I’m absolutely freezing!”
It is, Atsushi realizes, freezing. The snow outside show no signs of ceasing and the metallic vehicle that they’re in doesn’t seem to contribute in giving them warmth. He rubs his hands together as they continue to walk with Atsushi paying close attention to each and every step they take. The boat keeps creaking, metal doors are slamming and distant high pitched whistles enter his ears accompanied with the murmurs of men.
“We’re heading towards where again, Dazai-san?”
“They have a room specifically for archives. It’s probably a place filled with inventory documents but it’s the closest one we’ll have in accessing a computer to reach outside contacts.” Dazai replies. “I managed to memorize the route when we passed by a map earlier. I can go and contact Yosano-sensei once we get there and you make sure no one’s getting inside the room until I finish.”
Atsushi nods at this. “Got it, Dazai-san.”
The cold starts piercing through their skin despite the coats layered around their bodies but Atsushi shakes them off as they start putting the force back into the soles of their feet when they hasten their paces.
They know freedom is only a few more struggles away.
He remembers the sound of breaking glass in that cloudless, mundane afternoon.
There’s a small yelp from Elise and he rushes to move to the other room until he doesn’t at the sight of a badly iodine-stained photograph outside its broken frame lying a centimeter away from his feet. The image’s sepia darkens and the smiles it once carried have been ovelayed in a deep dark bluish black that covered the men with guns and uniforms until they disappear into nothingness.
It’s hot in the room and such heat is biting through the skin under his clothes --- there’s an invisible fire that’s burning in front of him and the screams invade his ears then after.
Nothing. His comrades --- his friends --- are reduced to nothing as fast as that iodine solution buried their faces in that picture.
War is the worst invention that man has ever made, Mori thinks. Pride, an unnecessary will to be always right, and disgusting greed managed to make guns and bombs and the slaughter that is war. It is this horrid thing that killed the people he held dear --- it is this horrid thing that killed Mori too. What good does it do, really? To be a medic in war? No matter how many he saves, he can’t save the people closest to him.
“I-I’m sorry!” Elise’s loud, condescending persona dissolves into a sheepish whisper. “I didn’t mean to! I was cleaning your stuff and the bottle and the frame fell and ---”
Elise stops speaking and Mori doesn’t say a word but the girl just stands there with her knees shaking, staring at the darkness looming inside the doctor’s eyes as if his soul was taken out of them and was replaced with a demon’s.
“...R-Rintarou…?” She herself does not register the name that escapes her lips. She does not feel the crumpling of her dress under her hands, does not feel the sweat dripping down her temples but she does recognize the feeling slithering into her heart --- fear.
For Mori, the fire does not stop burning. With this ruined picture, he’s now sure that everyone has indeed left him.
“Get out.” Mori does not raise his voice but he says it firmly, strongly. When Elise doesn’t move, he repeats. “Get out of here, brat.” He spits.
The little girl does not think, does not scream, does not speak nor breathe even. She leaves --- runs --- as fast as the wind without shutting the door.
Mori is sure that he saw tears in her eyes.
Elise does not visit the clinic the next day. Or the day after that.
Mori has been organizing the boxes of medicine and it takes him quite a while to realize that Elise actually did reduce the work time of it to half. She might had been useful after all regardless if she knew how to properly read generic names.
It is specially hot today. Summers in Japan are terrifyingly deadly with its temperature if Mori remembers correctly but he guesses that it’s comparable to that of this foreign land. He then thinks, just for a second when he places the last of the good boxes on the shelf, if Elise was drinking enough water considering that if she continues to run around too much in this weather then she might as well pass out from the heat.
Mori shakes his head. Elise doesn’t need his concerns as much as Mori doesn’t need her in the office.
When Mori finishes his task, the door opens loudly and Fitzgerald brings himself in without much of a greeting before he takes a seat on the sofa. Mori fights the urge to roll his eyes. Sure, Fitzgerald basically owns the place but would it kill him to knock as respect to the person working inside rather than shamelessly letting himself in?
“It’s really hot today isn’t it, Mr. Mori?” He says it with a laugh, throwing his suit coat to a chair and Mori just isn’t sure why this man is incessant on wearing those type of suits in the middle of summer.
“Is there something you need?” Mori asks and Fitzgerald’s bright face crumples a bit.
“And you happen to be cold.” Fitzgerald raises a brow. “Do I only come here if there’s something I need?”
“You own the place, you have the right to barge in whenever you like.” Mori replies and Fitzgerald doesn’t seem amused. Boss or not, Mori doesn’t like playing nice.
Fitzgerald sighs. “I was only wondering if you’d accompany me in getting something to eat outside?”
That’s a first, Mori thinks. Did he run out of people he could bother?
“I have a lot of work to do.” Mori lies, he absolutely has nothing left to do. The clinic has been awfully slow lately that at times, Mori wonders if the war had actually ended and he was the only one unaware of it but he’d be proven wrong when he sees the orange sparks glowing at a far distance from his window.
Fitzgerald purses his lips, probably not expecting Mori to turn him down but it doesn’t completely shoo him away.
“Then I’ll stay here with you.” Fitzgerald crosses his legs and Mori tries not to click his tongue.
“And the food?”
Fitzgerald scoffs. “I could have them delivered here. I have enough workers for it.” Fucking rich bastard.
Mori doesn’t reply. Instead, he busies himself with patient files that he had already read over, hoping that his ignoring Fitzgerald would make the man leave out of boredom.
“...Actually,” Fitzgerald starts. “I was hoping on asking you a favor.”
And as if barging in the clinic without a proper greeting would help him agree to it.
Mori sighs slightly, he might as well ride along with it. “What is it?”
“I was planning on opening up a Guild branch in Japan.” Fitzgerald says and he looks straight at him with much confidence that Mori remembers that Fitzgerald isn’t just some dramatic rich bastard pretending to be a philanthropist but a businessman first and foremost. “I have been gathering talented doctors for it.”
The Guild is an academic-health institution that Fitzgerald made in order to help those who are sick and deprived of education brought forth by the strife of war. As far as Mori knows, there are a bunch of branches in America and in Europe. A branch in Japan would mark the first in Asia.
The institution focuses on healing and learning thus the goals include complete physical recovery --- or at least in a state that the person can cope with the illness without much assistance --- and excellent academic performance on basic knowledge. These are two requirements for a student to graduate and afterwards, with the companies Fitzgerald holds, the students would be able to find connections for further studies of their choice or if not, a job that would satisfy them. The system is, as much as Mori would like to admit, effective and helpful especially in their current situation.
Mori knows where this is going.
“And what about this clinic?” Mori asks and Fitzgerald blinks at him before he starts chuckling.
“As expected of you, Doctor Mori! You’re fast to catch on!” He cheers. “I assisted various doctors in opening their own clinics in coordination with the government. With that, there would be more accessible places for the injured to go to that aren’t very far unlike this one.”
“So you’re closing this place down?” Mori asks with a raised brow.
“Oh no! The clinic is named after you regardless of how I handle everything other than health care. If I would shut it down then it’s only right to ask of your say as well. After all, I respect you as an individual.” Fitzgerald replies and Mori thinks its utter bullshit. With the money he has, he can shut this place down in a snap, no questions asked. Who cares if it’s named after Mori? At this point in time, the laws can be twisted and altered based on the amount of cash someone has anyways.
“And you’re doing that now?” Mori says, closing the patient file and throwing it back on the heap. “Asking my permission to shut it down?”
“I am merely offering you other opportunities, Doctor Mori.” Fitzgerald sighs. “You accepted my offer on working for me in this clinic after the battles you’ve experienced here in this country. If I’m going to be frank, you’re still a medic; a soldier. I did my best to talk to your superiors in order to take you away from the front lines because it benefited us both. I get to open up a clinic that can help the citizens and you get to run away.”
Mori wants to punch Fitzgerald’s perfect teeth out of his face but he doesn’t. After all, there were no lies in his words.
“But war is unpredictable and it shows no signs of stopping. If it were to get worse then you will definitely be called back and I won’t be able to stop them.” Fitzgerald continues.
Mori finally scoffs. “You’re using that to make me go back to Japan for the Guild?”
“I know you don’t like fighting in war. I’m worried that you might be forced to do so. If you take this offer and become a full-time doctor at a major institution outside of the country then that might as well be avoided.”
“You don’t feel that way.” Mori sharpens his gaze on the man. “You just don’t want to lose another pawn.”
Fitzgerald genuinely seems to be taken aback by his words but he doesn’t stay shocked. Instead, he laughs.
“I see, I see.” He says as the chuckles dissipate. “You’re absolutely right, Mr. Mori. I don’t feel that way at all. If you choose to go back and volunteer to fight for a country that isn’t yours once again then be my guest, I really couldn’t care less. But I genuinely believe that your skills as a doctor will be put to waste and I can’t handle that thought. I must use it to my advantage in ways that I believe is right. But money won’t work on you no matter what sum I put on the table so how would I be able to handle that?”
So Mori was right after all --- as if he actually had doubts in it in the first place --- that Fitzgerald was really just a businessman wearing the skin of a philanthropist. He doesn’t care about the public or the citizens or his workers --- all this was to simply divert himself from the grief he felt from losing his family. This act of social responsibility he’s trying to uphold is stemmed from nothing but regret and the effect of gratitude that people show is only there to satisfy him.
But none of that is Mori’s business and much like how little Fitzgerald thinks of him, Mori doesn’t seem to care on what the fuck Fitzgerald does in this war.
“Let me think about it.” Mori says.
Fitzgerald seems pleased by his answer and so he leans back on the sofa. He takes out his phone from his pocket and starts dialing something.
“Would you care for Chinese food or Mediterranean?” Fitzgerald asks him.
“None, I’m not hungry.” Mori says and Fitzgerald shrugs before he orders a worker to get some food for him.
When he’s finished, he keeps his phone and eyes something placed on the table. Mori notices that the iodine-soaked photo that Elise had ruined caught his attention.
“Elise apparently likes to be here. I heard from the helpers that she leaves the house often when I’m not around to stay.” Fitzgerald says.
“She goes around and helps.” Mori replies. “Mostly organizing the inventory.”
“She seems fond of you.” No, she’s just scared of you.
Mori doesn’t voice his thoughts aloud. “Kids her age often get bored. You’re a busy man right? I doubt she’d be entertained alone.”
“No need to sugarcoat your words. I am aware that she dislikes me.” Fitzgerald replies, a forlorn look plastered on his face. “But no matter what she says, I do care for her. She’s the daughter of my friend and I used to have a child myself. Treating her badly would be the last thing I would do. Which is why I am thankful that you entertain her.”
Mori snorts. “I make her do work.”
Fitzgerald smiles back at him. “She seems to enjoy work then.”
“She hasn’t been back for quite a while. I guess she really does like it.” Mori makes sure to lace his voice with sarcasm but it doesn’t look like it’s enough to faze Fitzgerald.
“I believe she did something to offend you.” The man’s gaze is at the blackened photo. Mori isn’t surprised that Fitzgerald managed to piece it up. After all, the man isn’t an idiot. “She doesn’t leave the house quite often and I was shocked when she asked to have a conversation with me. That never happened before.” He continues. “What did she do that made you so angry?”
“That look of yours makes me think that you already know.” Mori scratches the back of his head.
Fitzgerald smiles. “She ruined that photo, I presume.” He points at the photograph. “I don’t see what the fuss it’s about. It’s a picture. It could be taken again. If you have a digital copy of it then it could be reproduced. She couldn’t have ruined that on purpose.”
Mori starts gritting his teeth. “The copies are ash and as if that photo can be taken again.” He scoffs. “You can’t take pictures with the dead.”
“Oh,” Was the only thing that poured out of Fitzgerald’s lips and for a moment, Mori sees it --- a flash of sorrow on his face. “I see they were ---”
“The platoon I was part of.” Mori stands up and takes the picture. It really is ruined; the faces can’t even be made out anymore. “A bunch of Japanese who also volunteered to fight. They were good people.” Mori sighs. “A bad explosion turned their bodies to ash and cinders… there was nothing left to bury.”
Fitzgerald doesn’t pry anymore nor does he insist on him forgiving Elise. Instead, the man stands up, collects his coat and taps Mori’s shoulder as if to give him comfort before he brings himself to the door.
“Hey,” Mori calls and Fitzgerald stops. “Was it a son or a daughter?”
Shock paints Fitzgerald’s face and it melts back into something that Mori can describe as somber nostalgia. The man glances at the photo on Mori’s hand and then he realizes the purpose of the question.
“I guess it’s only fair that I share this time right…?” Fitzgerald mumbles and takes a deep breath. “I had a daughter. She died with my wife during an air raid while I wasn’t around.”
“Would they be happy if they find out that you’re only doing what you do for them?” Mori asks and it’s the most daring thing he had ever asked Fitzgerald.
The man in front of him however, scoffs and avoids his gaze before moving to exit the room.
“The dead do not see us.” He says. “Whatever we do for them right now is useless --- they will never be happy.”
Dazai is, as Atsushi is dying out of anxiety the moment each second passes, taking his time inside the archive room.
The archive room is not big and is definitely not clean. It’s like the people who work in the boat has forgotten that the room actually exists and the dust had managed to invade every corner of the place filled old files and disorganized books. It’s really not a good environment for Atsushi’s lungs but there’s really not much he can do about it unless Dazai finally finishes sending the message.
“Dazai-san?” Atsushi whispers after a cough, turning around to see Dazai fiddling around with the old computer at the corner of the room. “Are you done?”
“It’s not as easy as it looks, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai clicks his tongue. “The programs run too slow and I don’t see Yosano-sensei’s contact anywhere.”
A bunch of metallic footsteps then echo through the door and it makes Atsushi’s head shoot back directly to the small opening of the door, his eye catching a glimpse of two workers walking down the hall.
“D-Dazai-san,”Atsushi whispers and Dazai flinches at the call, hastening up the pace on whatever he’s doing in the computer.
Please don’t come in, please don’t come in! Atsushi starts praying in his head as the workers walk, their footsteps and voices growing nearer and nearer until they aren’t.
There’s a breath of relief caught up in his throat and Atsushi refuses to move until the workers turn to another hall, their figures nowhere in sight.
“Oh God, that was close.” Atsushi wipes away a bead of sweat from his forehead.
“And, I got it.” There’s a few clicks from the mouse and in the computer screen shows Yosano’s picture, her hair a bit longer and her face a bit younger but it’s definitely Yosano.
“That’s Yosano-sensei?” Atsushi asks him, peering over the computer. “She looks… different.”
“Well that just means she uses this photo on her ID. I guess each boat has a file for other workers who visit the Guild open. They probably needed the contacts in case an emergency happens.”
On the side of Yosano’s picture, Dazai copies the contact address and starts to write a message to send to her.
“What are you going to say?” Atsushi asks.
“Ranpo-san already told me what to put.” Dazai replies, fingers tapping on the keyboard as the words form on the screen. “It’s better to not be direct with it. We don’t know how many people Mori-san has under his hand so he made sure to write a message that only both of them would be able to understand.”
Atsushi nods and goes back to the door, taking another glimpse from the space to look out for more workers trying to pass by. It takes a few minutes for Dazai to finish; he manages to complete the message and send it by the Guild’s network.
“Okay, it’s sent.” Dazai says.
“So does that mean we’ll get to leave the Guild?” Atsushi asks.
“We’ll just have to wait after Yosano-sensei reads the message but for now, we need to leave this ship and get back.”
They shut the computer down and used the same route on getting in. They peeled off the coats they’ve stolen and left them, sneaking through the narrow spaces of the boat until they manage to step back on the shore of the beach.
The light disappears, eaten by the darkness of the night. The snow is starting to pile up, ice continues to fall slowly off the sky until it grows stronger. The wind blows harshly and as they continue to walk into the forest, there’s nothing but white covering their vision --- the fog and the snow mixing up to give off a misty mosaic. The cold creeps in and it makes Atsushi’s bones shudder. His muscles feel tight and his blue-tipped fingers ache awfully that he can’t seem to move them.
Dazai is shivering, Atsushi observes and each step they take seem to run through minutes of their time until their feet can hardly feel the ground. When Atsushi takes a step, the snow-covered ground under his foot crumbles and gives in, bringing his body down with an audible shout into a newly formed hole.
“Atsushi-kun!” Dazai turns around and reaches for his hand and he does.
Atsushi holds his breath and he feels his entire weight being brought down by gravity as Dazai struggles to keep him from falling, his hand tightly gripping on Atsushi’s wrist.
“H-Hold on, Atsushi-kun!” Dazai says through his teeth. He takes a deep breath and starts to pull Atsushi up only to lose to gravity when it pulls down in return, forcing a grunt out of Dazai’s lips. “Shit,” He curses under his breath.
The hand on his wrist is icy cold and the more Dazai tries to pull him up, the more difficult it becomes to keep him from sliding along with Atsushi.
Atsushi starts holding his breath and he stays incredibly still, fearing that a single move would bring both of them plummeting to the ground.
Wait, the ground?
The thought springs up on his head as he watches the snow falls harder onto their shivering figures and he manages to look down to see a thick pile of white underneath him. It’s a cave, Atsushi notices. He scans the terrain from the entrance of the hole and sees a small niche devoid of snow in the inside.
“Dazai-san, let go!” Atsushi says.
“Ha!?”
“There’s a niche underneath here and the snow hasn’t gotten to it yet! We can wait for the storm to blow over there and make a fire.” Atsushi says and the words enable Dazai to scan the surroundings from the hole and manages to see the niche.
Dazai looks at Atsushi once more. “The snow looks thick enough,” He says. “All right, I’ll let go on three.”
Dazai counts and eventually lets Atsushi fall. Though he’s the one who asked for it, it doesn’t really stop Atsushi from screaming what’s left of his lungs before he falls into a blanket of snow on his back. Dazai follows him, jumping from the entrance and landing perfectly on his feet.
“Come on,” He helps Atsushi up and they both proceed to the direction of the niche until they reach it.
As Atsushi guessed, the snow really doesn’t reach it and it’s big enough to accommodate the two of them. There are also a bunch of dried leaves and twigs untouched by the winter and with those, they start to make a fire.
The fire cackles to life and it eats up the dried up branches, its radiating warmth slowly making its way to Atsushi’s skin.
“Do you think it’ll be all right?” Atsushi asks, bringing more twigs onto the fire before dropping to sit by the entrance of the niche. “Won’t they worry too much if we don’t get back tonight?”
Dazai hums and the man is pushing more leaves with a tree branch towards to flames. “I doubt they’d panic. They could see the snow storm from the window and I’m sure Ranpo-san would be able to get the gist of our situation and would give us a grace period. If anything goes wrong then Chuuya and Ango know what to do.”
Atsushi purses his lips. “Is that so…” He mumbles and tries to swallow up the concern rising up to his throat.
The snow doesn’t seem to show any intention of stopping, Atsushi thinks when he takes a peek upward to see tree branches with absent foliage obscured by white framed from the hole they fell into. He sighs and his breath materializes into a puff in front of him. Outside the niche, there’s a blanket of snow and beyond that, Atsushi sees something glinting far off the distance.
Could it be?
“I guess that’s the plane.” Dazai finishes his thoughts when he finds the man looking at the same thing.
The place where they are now must be the continuation of the spider lily field they found, the landmass opposite of the lake and the crashed plane.
“That means we’re still pretty far, huh.” Atsushi chuckles a little bit, nervous.
“We’ll be able to travel normally once the storm blows over.” Dazai says and Atsushi nods. Afterwards, the man furrows his brows at him, somewhat confused. “Can I ask you one thing?”
Atsushi hums in response. “What is it, Dazai-san?”
“Why are you sitting so far away?”
Atsushi flinches and then registers the question when he finally notices that he positioned himself at the niche entrance with a good distance from the fire and from Dazai.
“Oh, I…” Atsushi scratches the back of his head. He never really did it on purpose, he sat unconsciously, not really thinking. It’s probably because he has been used to putting a good space between him an Dazai when they’re sitting together.
“Are you seriously being selfish with warmth, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai pouts. “I feel betrayed. I’m freezing over here and yet you don’t plan on coming near me.”
“No, I just…” Atsushi starts. “I just thought you’d like a space of your own, Dazai-san.”
“And why would I want a space of my own when I’m halfway of freezing to death?” Dazai deadpans.
Atsushi sighs and raises his hands in defeat. “Okay, okay, I’ll move.” He says, bringing himself further inside the niche next to Dazai, close enough that their shoulder start touching. It pleases Dazai, Atsushi concludes with the man’s smile and for some part, it pleases Atsushi too. It’s warmer now --- if you compare it from his position earlier --- maybe not to an extent that it’s comfortable but it is nevertheless, warmer.
The fire is closer now and it continues to cackle. It’s small and it’s nothing like the fires he had seen before he went into the Guild. Right now, the flames in front of him doesn’t eat houses nor does it raze everything it touches into ash --- the small fire only gives them warmth.
“Dazai-san, after we leave the Guild, what are you going to do?” Atsushi asks and a part of him wanted to take the question back. Dazai had already told Atsushi that there was probably nothing waiting for him outside of the Guild, that there wasn’t any place that would try to accept him.
“I don’t know,” Dazai says. “And you?”
Atsushi laughs awkwardly. “I don’t know either.” He smiles. “Before the Guild all I ever did was do whatever anyone told me. When Mori-san found me, I managed to meet you guys and everything was different. For the first time I could speak my mind. For the first time, I genuinely fight for what I wanted and in truth, thinking about leaving all that behind… kind of scares me.”
“But that courage isn’t found in the Guild alone, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai tells him. “It’s found within you and the people you’ve met. What we’re leaving is a building, just a bunch of wood and cement that was planning to watch us die or become weapons of war.”
Atsushi purses his lips.
“Besides,” Dazai continues. “Weren’t you planning on building up a place where everyone is genuinely happy?”
The pool of uncertainty inside Atsushi calms and just then, he’s brought to ease. That’s right, after the Guild, they could do whatever they want. There would be no more secrets, no more pretending --- they’d be free, Atsushi could be free.
“That’s right. You’re right, Dazai-san.” Atsushi replies.
Dazai smiles back at him and it slips off when he turns his head back to the fire. “Actually,” He starts. “I kind of lied about the things I would do after we leave the Guild. There are things that I would like to do but I just don’t know if it would still be possible to do them.”
Atsushi blinks. “Like what?”
“I want to… say sorry to Ango.” Dazai says softly.
“Sakaguchi-san…?”
Dazai nods. “I think you already know that before the Guild, I was in an orphanage too. My parents left me by Ane-san’s doorstep and I spent my early childhood there. Unlike other children, I couldn’t seem to get along with others and others don’t seem to think like me.” He says, eyes not leaving the flames, as if in his head the images of his childhood replays like an old film. “I never really thought about why life was important. Maybe because I personally just never viewed it as important.The world was at war, I was abandoned, the days were mundane and if not, they were lived desperately to find food or proper shelter for safety. If it’s like that then wouldn’t it be easier to just… die?”
A shiver runs through Atsushi’s spine at the word and it hits him then: it really is easier to just die but before the Guild --- even now --- that was never an option for Atsushi and he never knew why. He just wanted to get through all the pain and the hardships, he knew that he just couldn’t give up even if he had all the reasons to. Why was that? Perhaps a part of him just wanted to believe that after all the troubles then he too would be brought to a life of peace; that everything would then be okay once he gets through hell.
But that was never the case for Dazai. Unlike Atsushi, Dazai never considered having hope; he never considered the possibility that things would be better --- that things would change, that there was more to life than just… well, this.
Dazai scoffs. “But no one ever thought that way. Chuuya never did and Kouyou hated that way of thinking. When I got sick and Mori-san came to get me, I never really changed my thoughts but the more I met people, the more I got confused. Odasaku was fighting so hard to live a life with the orphans he protected and Ango was doing his best to get better to go back to his family. Even you. You wanted to live even if there was nothing you could gain from doing so. I always asked myself why everyone was trying so hard so when Odasaku died a part of me just wanted to fight back too.”
“I regretted everything.” Dazai continues. “I hated the fact that Ango and I didn’t do anything when we noticed that something was wrong. I hated that Ango still followed Mori after all that happened and I hated myself afterwards for believing that Ango didn’t care when he obviously did.” And a bitter chuckle escapes his lips. “When I was trying to find information he’d help me despite his reluctance. When I got myself suspended to look for Fitzgerald’s journal, he tried to lend a hand too and up to now he’s still there.”
Right there Atsushi manages to piece the puzzle. Dazai never hated Ango and Ango had always wanted to help Dazai but refused when Dazai’s well being would be involved --- they just never wanted to lose each other.
“Before the Guild I couldn’t care less of what happened to me. But after meeting so many people… After meeting you, who couldn’t accept death mo matter what, I just convinced myself not to cross over, at least not yet.” There’s silence that eats up the air afterwards and Dazai turns to him, the smile on his face is gentle. “Thank you for desperately trying to stay alive, Atsushi-kun. With that, you managed to convince a dead man to live.”
Atsushi doesn’t know what happened specifically but right then and there at that very moment, there’s warmth that pierces his heart. He couldn’t put whatever feeling that’s rising underneath his skin into words. Was it relief? Was it happiness? Atsushi doesn’t know. For so long he had been treated as something lower than dirt --- that his frail pathetic existence couldn’t bring anything but trouble but at that snowy night, in front of Dazai who’s thanking him for being alive, Atsushi couldn’t help but cry.
Elise comes back to the clinic at the end of summer right when Mori concluded that she never will.
There isn’t much work left --- the medicine has been sorted, the files are read and patients seem to come in slow which doesn’t add up to the workload --- and only God knows how Elise managed to get out of the house at the dead of night under Fitzgerald’s watch because he’s pretty much sure that Elise never visited him that late before.
Elise, much to Mori’s surprise, knocks on the door and sheepishly enters the room in contrast with her confident yet stubborn attitude.
“Oh?” Mori lifts a brow and he doesn’t know what’s in it that makes Elise flinch. Perhaps it’s the day she takes back what she said about Mori not looking scary. “There isn’t any more work for you to help with.”
In fact, Mori was fixing up his things to bring himself home.
Elise takes a few steps toward him while avoiding his gaze and it’s when Mori actually notices that she has her hands behind her back; the typical ‘I’m hiding something from you’ attitude that kids probably unaware of how obvious it looks.
The girl doesn’t say anything. She just stands in front of Mori with her gaze elsewhere and here fingers are awfully too busy at fiddling whatever she is hiding behind her back instead of the hem of her dress.
Tired of both the silent treatment as well as Fitzgerald’s proposals --- that he clearly hasn’t answered --- he sighs roughly and flicks Elise’s forehead to which she doesn’t even respond to.
Well that’s boring. Where’d the feisty girl go?
“Spit it out, what are you up to?” Elise flinches again and Mori swears that he sees sweat beading down on her temple. “What are you hiding behind your back?”
She gives out a yelp and Mori fights the urge to emphasize the fact that hiding stuff from people isn’t supposed to be done by putting the supposed hidden object behind your back.
“I-I,” Elise stutters and it’s really unlike her to do so that it’s making Mori uncomfortable to deal with her. Well, it probably isn’t a surprise that she’d change her attitude since Mori did make her cry a few weeks back and she just disappeared without a trace or warning.
Mori doesn’t have the energy to deal with children so he sighs again, takes his bag and moves to the door. “I’m going home.”
It’s sudden and Mori didn’t really expect that Elise would grab on his coat but she does.
“R-Rintarou…” She calls looking down at her feet and the grip on his coat shakes slightly. “I’m… I’m sorry.” She lifts her head up and her eyes are glassy, tears threatening to spill over but Mori notices that she’s doing her best to hold it all in.
He plays dumb.
“For what?” He asks and Elise bites her lip.
“I’m… I’m sorry for ruining it, I really didn’t mean it.” From behind her back, she’s holding something framed in a DIY cardboard frame and gives it to him nervously.
Mori takes the frame and sees a few notable stick figures drawn on paper inside it and he immediately familiarizes himself with the image.
It’s the image that she ruined with iodine solution.
The lines are crooked and done with crayon, the hair on each person is wild and cartoonish but the number of people are correct and everything is drawn in complete precision albeit the lack of skill. The guns are drawn too as well as the trees and glasses on specific people that Mori can see the people who were once supposed to stand there.
“It was i-important to you, right?” Her voice cracks and immediately, the dam breaks as big fat tears roll to her cheeks as she sniffs. “I tried to draw everyone but I couldn’t remember how t-they looked like and it’s r-really bad and I tried my best to d-draw them again but I couldn’t and I… I’m so sorry!” She sobs.
Now that Mori notices, there are a bunch of band-aids on Elise’s fingers and he guesses it’s probably from cutting and stapling the cardboard frame.
There’s something stuck on Mori’s throat. Elise doesn’t let go of his coat and her sobs spill over uncontrollably. He looks over at the drawing again and his chest unknowingly aches.
Whenever he looked at the picture he once had, he could never erase the image of the explosion and the flames eating out the bodies of his friends. Every night, he’d see their faces distorted in his nightmares and everyday he’s eaten by regret but right now, as he looks at the drawing that was supposed to replace it, the fire is gone in his head.
He looks at Elise and just there he feels bad for her. He feels bad that she had to cry this much, he feels bad that her fingers are cut up and he feels bad that Elise might have felt like this for weeks before she mustered up the courage to come back to the clinic.
His hand is shaking. That has never happened before. With it, he pats Elise’s head and the sobbing subsides.
“Ri-Rintarou…?” She said in between gasps.
What should he even say? The words are just stuck in his throat, it feels like he isn’t even there to begin with.
“Who’s this blonde-headed brat in the middle of the drawing next to me?” Mori shows her the drawing and points at the blonde girl in the side of the work and in truth, it’s obvious that Elise drew herself on the photo.
She blinks and her face falls into a tint of embarrassment. “I-It’s…”
“It’s?”
“It’s a… it’s a fairy!” She says impulsively and it takes a pause for her to register what she just said.
“A fairy?” Mori chuckles.
“Yes, it’s a fairy!” She says, holding up to what lie she made. “It’s the fairy that kept you safe! You’re here right now because that fairy kept you alive!”
Mori blinks and for some reason, he can’t think of anything to tease her with. He takes another look at the so called “fairy” she drew that looks undoubtedly like her and can’t put a solid description to the ease filling up his being.
“A fairy…” He says it like it makes sense. That he’s alive because of a spell made by that fairy. He glances at Elise, her eyes still glassy and teary but the fire he once saw in her eyes is back and this time, it pulls Mori over. “Then I guess I better thank that fairy…?”
Elise blinks and she remains quiet for a while that Mori starts questioning what he had said.
“You smiled, Rintarou.” She says and there’s shock painting over her features before there’s a big bright smile threading through her lips. “You smiled, Rintarou! You finally smiled!”
Mori… smiled?
For a while he doesn’t believe it himself and it takes him a couple more seconds to notice that yes, he is indeed smiling.
He ruffles her hair and Elise leans into it. Fitzgerald did say that Elise was fond of him.
“You… do you just go home whenever Fitzgerald isn’t around?” He asks.
She avoids his gaze again and nods. “I… don’t like him.”
It’s probably how she says she’s afraid of him.
“Does he let you go out of the house? Go anywhere you want other than here?”
Elise shakes her head. “He only lets me go here because he trusts you.”
Mori thinks back on the offer Fitzgerald had for him. It is true, the war doesn’t look like it’s going to end soon and if it’s only going to get worse from now on then there’s no question that even this part of this foreign country is going to become ruins.
“...Do you want me to take you somewhere else? Just us two?” He asks hesitantly but Elise hears him.
There’s jewels in her eyes, staring deep into him as if she had been longing to hear him say those words and it honestly surprises him.
“B-But Mr. Fitz…” She fiddles with the hem of her dress.
“Don’t you only go back to his place when he isn’t around? Or if he is, I’m sure you hide from him anyway.” Mori says and Elise doesn’t deny it. With that, Mori sighs again and kneels down to her height as he holds her by the shoulders. “You don’t need a home like that.”
Her eyes start to grow glassy again. “I want…” She sobs. “I want to go out and play! I-I want to meet people my age and play, I w-want someone to tuck me in bed and tell me s-stories, I want to e-eat meals with a family and I want.. I want a h-home.” She’s choking on her snot and her hands start rubbing her eyes, wiping away the tears falling.
Mori pats her head, not sure if it will give her comfort but it does.
“Then would you go accompany me back to Japan?” Mori asks softly. “It’s where I used to live. I’m sure we could play with a lot of things there.”
Elise, with her snot and tear stained face nods and brings her arms to embrace Mori’s figure as she sobs onto his coat. Mori lets him and he doesn’t stop patting her head.
When things calm down, he brings him back to Fitzgerald’s house for the night with the helpers frantically searching for her. He’ll probably take Fitzgerald’s offer if he gets to bring Elise with him to safety in Japan, he still has to convince the man the next day.
Mori then goes home after that. He throws his coat over the chair and collapses on the bed. Before his eyelids fall heavy, there’s a very childish drawing staring back at him framed in a specially made cardboard frame. His eyes focus on the fairy drawn right next to him and he feels himself smile.
That night, it’s the very first in a long while, he doesn’t dream of fire.