Chapter Text
Disclaimer : Nothing belongs to me
Warning: Only one curse word is here, I believe. So I will leave it at K+
Alive again
"I will do it," I marched into the meeting room. All pairs on eyes turned on me, many of them disapproving, a few surprised and one angered.
"Get out of here, General!" said the only angered voice.
My stance turned even more rigid, "I apologize for coming in here unannounced and I also apologize for having heard the argument on my way passing by. But I heard it and I volunteer to do this."
"GENERAL, OUT! NOW!" She shouted at me, with one arm pointing to the exit and her other arm gripping the table so hard that her knuckles turned white. All of her muscles were strained, everyone could see how agitated she was.
"…Yes Commander," I turned to leave but then stopped and addressed everyone at the meeting, "Just remember that if our nation is really going with this plan and you need soldiers to sacrifice themselves and you can find no others, I have gladly volunteered myself."
Then I marched back out, hearing a loud slam on the table behind me.
Later that night, I was in my quarters getting ready to retire for the night. I was happy in my self-contained room, I have worked so hard for my nation and now I have a room just for myself. Although I expected no return but I have done a lot for our people.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed when my door was abruptly slammed open. Even before the door was able to close itself, a shadow was upon me. I quickly tried to stand up in attention but she grabbed onto my collar and pulled me up.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" She shouted in my face.
"Commander," I said sternly, acknowledging her.
"I asked, what the fuck were you thinking, just marching into a confidential meeting like that?" She asked menacingly.
"I apologize, Commander. If you have any punishment for me, just say it and it should be done. Although I can remind you again, if we are doing as the plan stated, I would die either way without being able to tell anyone," I answered without any emotions showing on my face. Her hold on my collar became even more constricting.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you always do this?" She got right into my face and snarled.
I looked into her eyes, her beautiful green eyes and I could see all the emotions swirling inside. We always respected each other. She had always been my superior and as time went by, our mutual respect turned into something else. I knew that she cared for me more than she should. I wanted to make myself feel towards her too, and I do, believe me. I just didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to believe that she actually loved me. Because I had given up on love long ago, it wasn't for me, no one could love me. So I denied what she feels towards me, I also denied my own attraction towards her.
I have given up my heart a long time ago, so have my heart given up on me. I was taught that true love existed and fairy tale was real. Someone would come one day to sweep me off my feet, makes me feel loved just like a princess. I have seen many people, liked many people; and there may have been people who liked me. But I just know that they were not the one. So I held back, soon enough, I was tired of waiting for something that might never even be real. No one would love me, for as long as they live, no one would stay, for me, forever…
I no longer wanted to feel, and that was when I enlisted for the army. I thought that since I no longer wanted to feel alive, I might as well survive and do something for my country. I could put my life on the line in the field, and I would never know when I would die next in the war. I lived for that moment.
"Answer me!" She shouted at me after a long moment of silence.
"I don't know what you mean," I answered plainly.
She shoved me hard, I tried to keep my balance and couldn't. I fell on my bed, and within no time at all, I stood back up.
She shoved me again and I fell backwards. I was irritated for a moment but decided to let it go.
I stood back up only to be pushed back down again and again.
In the end, she gave me a half-assed push and I hardly staggered. I could see that she was getting really frustrated and weary.
"Tell me… Clarke, why… why do you always do this? Putting your life on the line, doing all those things on the field, you could get yourself killed easily," She asked resignedly.
"I assure you, Commander. I would never get myself killed intentionally, all I do is save my comrades and my country. I do dangerous things, but I always try to survive through them too," I informed her in my best soldier voice.
She glared dangerously at me, "No, Clarke. You don't die, but with the most recent occurrence, you might have well been."
My eyes glazed over as I remembered what I said before 'that' incident.
"I may have been injured, but as long as I still can walk and do everything as I used to be able to do, then there's nothing that can stop me. Until the day I can no longer do these things or until I die, I shall fight for my country."
"Unless you commanded me not to, since you are the one calling the shots, Commander."
She glared at me, trying to intimidate me, but we had gone through these enough times in the past for me not to flinch or drawback.
"Fine, do as you wish. If you die, it's not my problem. Now, disappear from my sight!" She couldn't stand looking at me anymore and turned away.
"And I have not…" I said softly, uncertain if I was trying to comfort her or just proving my point.
"Clarke, you are the general. WE need you, our country needs your soul to stay where it is," She looked desperately into my eyes, trying to get me to understand.
I scoffed, "Commander, we have many talented and much younger intelligent soldiers who could step up to the job. When I am gone, one of them could step up to be the general, they would do just as well a job as I can… I am replaceable."
I stood still as a statue, still in my 'soldier' mode. Since I have been in the army, gone through the terrible training, I have forgone feelings and always tried not to associate with anyone. I learnt not to feel.
She grabbed onto my collar again and shoved me against the wall, "YOU. ARE. NOT. REPLACEABLE. NEVER!" She pronounced each word carefully through gritted teeth.
Her voice softened, "Never… to me, Clarke. You are the most precious."
She crushed her lips into mine. I was shocked. But I relaxed into the kiss, I raised my hands to grab onto her. And for the first time in a long time, I felt alive.
A/N: If any of you have the time and would like to check out a novel that I have been working on for years, you can find the link on my profile :)