Chapter Text
Things look different from here, that's why it's always been one of my favourite places.
The irony is that from this point of the city, the highest in it, I can see everything; and at the same time nothing itself. It's fun to imagine the stories that are being written down there right now. When only small lights are seen here, each one represents; births, joys, first kisses, family dinners; although there are also others that are deaths, farewells, tears, breaks, broken hearts.
Who would have imagined that it would be precisely the latter that would bring me here tonight?
The culmination of a relationship that I thought would be forever. The closing of one of the most constant things in my life, the only that would never end: my family. A goodbye that, in her own words, must have been a long time ago; When what separated us was not precisely the geography but our life paths. So opposite to each other that ended up making two completely different people who once fell in love.
And I have never been a defeatist person, at least not since a little blonde entered my life; not since her, not since that day.
Having the affection of a person who was not my family was an unimaginable idea in my mind, being so different from others always caused in my day to day a feeling of loneliness that no one had been able to fill.
But my little, or almost null, knowledge of coincidences and destiny; I didn't have met Hayley.
The first time I saw her in that colorful and spacious classroom, my heart jumped strangely, too strange for the normality of my days. Standing in front of so many different and unknown children made my panic to the maximum, until I saw her tender and sincere smile as she shouted over all the other kids voices a 'Welcome, Sloan' in response to the teacher's introduction. Somehow, I knew that everything was going to be fine.
But the reality made me see that it would not be different from my past, that not doing what others expect from you was something not allowed, that acting according to your own feelings just caused bullying.
Or so I thought, until the little cupcake with her barely one meter height planted her two feet in front of me to defend me against that child. I'll never understand where Hayley was able to draw so much strength from her tiny little body, but she knocked the boy down with a single blow when the bully didn't want to stop.
And so my life changed.
Sitting in that punishment room far from the blonde caused me anxiety, I wanted to thank her, I wanted to tell her that I would hand over my entire collection of children's books, my greatest treasure at the time; if she just kept wanting to say hi to me from time to time. But the fear of hearing her say that she didn't want to know anything about me after being punished because of me was too much.
Meeting Mama came a few hours later, when we were waiting for our respective mothers.
The most satirical thing of all is that seeing Mom was like looking at myself in the mirror, seeing her talk to Hayley so evenly, so calmly, without shouting, with a compression that I didn't understand, in my head I admired her from the first minute.
Not that my mom was one of those nagging mothers who raised her voice for no reason, she never showed me anything other than love. The difficult part of our relationship was having completely different temperaments; While I loved being alone, my mother loved being surrounded by her friends; While I didn't mention three words in a row, my mother kept talking for hours; While I could not bear physical contact, my mother hugged people with just a few hours of meeting them. Oh, come on! Mom fell in love with Mama the instant her eyes fell on her. It has been nothing different for more years that they have been together.
Then I heard it, I heard the little blonde tell her mother that I was her friend; for the first time in life someone wanted to be my friend without wanting to change my way of being, without asking me to smile like everyone else did, without trying to understand why I acted as I did.
Hayley unknowingly was my first teacher in life; over so many years it has taught me so many lessons that have shaped the person I have become. Maybe that's why tonight when Caden said we should break up I could control my feelings, because even if it hurt there is nothing I can't bear if I have those three women behind me giving me their unconditional support.
And I don’t want to say that knowing that my relationship of more than 5 years with whom I thought was the love of my life was about to slip through my hands like water did not make me feel anything.
She was the first person who made me trust someone other than my sister,
Hayley still does not accept it, because now it is more than obvious that the stubbornness of my two mothers has been transferred by osmosis to the little cupcake, not that she needed it much; but seeing me share games and talks with someone else and that I couldn't share with her caused her a little bit of insecurity at first. To the point that she stopped talking to me during the first week of my relationship with Caden. Part of her felt that she would be replaced, but the
knucklehead understood with time that this would never happen, it is the most stupid thought that has crossed my sister's mind. There is no one like her because she is my stone and my refuge; And no matter what, I know that the day our hair has been painted white and our skin is wrinkled, as little by little folds have been created in Grandma Lilita, we will be together laughing at some nonsense Hayley may have done or say , even with children and grandchildren. Without her, I would feel lost.
Perhaps in my interior I longed for a love like my mothers’, the one that definitely is not born in a single click; but that their souls recognized each other from the moment their eyes met.
The one that has not stopped growing for a second, even despite the years together, despite the routine of the day to day, even despite the problems they had to deal with, from the past, from the bad days , of their differences, of their ways of seeing life, of their jobs, of their flaws, of their fights.
Seeing my mothers holding hands like two high school girlfriends as they walk side by side fills my heart with joy like nothing else possible in this world.
Along with my sister, my mothers have been my greatest example of happiness; that's why today when Caden told me that we should end, even though I didn't want to show how much my world collapsed; I knew that there are times in this life that it is better to let that person go than to keep them next to me and end that great love between us.
I knew that making the decision to move to England would be a great test for our relationship.
As it was to my family; I know that no matter how proud they were; or how Happy they felt to see me grow and take my own course, it was not easy for them to let me go away. In the end, it was the first time I had spent so much time away from home and on my own. Well, Aunt Mattie has never left me helpless in the two years that I have studied in Cambridge. But no matter how much grunting I let out when I woke up on the edge of my own bed, almost expelled from it because in the middle of the night some noise caused my sister anxiety and she slide up between my blankets, it is not the same to wake up without her curled up next to me.
I thought the love between Caden and me was stronger than physical distance, I thought we would always be together; And although it sounds repetitive, I wondered all the time if my mothers were in our place if they would succeed. That gave me hope every night at the end of the phone call or the video conference, because in my mind the answer was easy. Of course they would.
My mothers are like those irremediable things in life, like the sun rising or the stars illuminating every night, even if they are not seen they are there. They are two unstoppable forces, attracting each other with such force that the collision is imminent. That's my mothers. That is their love.
Perhaps, maybe, that great love overshadowed my mind and gave me the wrong idea that I needed to find it on my first relationship; but that's how it felt. I swear that's how it felt the first time Caden held my hand in the shade of that big tree in the backyard of my house. Away from everyone and at the same time surrounded by our great family.
That's how it felt when after my first amateur concert Caden stole a kiss from me confessing that she loved me more than as a friend.
This is how it felt when we gave ourselves body and soul to the light of the moon in the bedroom that saw me grow, that night that my mothers escaped to Grandma's cabin for a weekend to celebrate her anniversary. Hayley fortunately decided to stay with Grandpa to keep him company. I have always known that my sister knew very well what would happen. The little cupcake once again sacrificing herself for the happiness of others.
The air begins to cool more in this restless night, I have no idea how much time I have spent in this place; but I am sure that I will not be able to close my eyes until the sun rises again, perhaps what I hope is to realize that when the dawn touches the sky of the city this is just a nightmare. I am not going to wake up with a good morning message, I am not going to hear her voice with one of her unforeseen calls to wish me luck in the tests, there is no way to wake up from this cruel reality.
As I look ahead at those flickering lights, I can hear footsteps approaching me. With so much secrecy, with so much containment, with so much caution; that I know precisely who they belong to. Mama
She has never liked being here, she brought my mother on their first date because she wanted to be alone with her and because, even with her fear of heights, though she has never declared it openly, she can see the beauty of this open space.
My mom does not go to the edge of the building where I am standing and that makes me smile; the always indifferent, strong and full of strength Carmilla Karnstein is nothing more than a scary little kitten when it comes to vertigo.
"Uh, your mother has told me everything" Mama says after clearing her throat and I just manage to nod without turning to see her. I know what will happen when I do, I will be the same terrified dark-haired girl she does not know how to handle what is happening around her that she found in that classroom.
I can hear the great sigh that my mother lets out and I know that this is not easy for her either, it is not that she does not care, but that of the sentimental talks is not her thing; Of course, unless she has to talk romantically about my mom, then that woman can talk for hours without rest.
"How do you know?" I ask my mother after a few minutes in silence.
"How do you know what?" Mom responds with another question, as she usually does when she doesn't feel comfortable starting these conversations.
"How did you know my mother was the one?"
"I don't know, I suppose something inside tells you. When I saw your mother for the first time colliding with all the furniture in the room just to reach you, I knew she was special; not in a cliche way, but my world did stop for a while. She, she just lights up everything around her, it's hard not to notice that the world can be good after meeting her. You just know you don't want to spend another day without her."
Proven theory. Although my mother cannot see me, I roll my eyes when I hear her speak of mom once more; And it's not that it bothers me, but god, I still can't cope with so much cheesiness when it comes to those two.
"Don't get mad, mama, but you thought the same with Ell" My brow furrows as I try to understand the rational words outside the sentimental ones that surround my mother's explanation, for a second I can feel her discomfort when I release the name and internally I I scold myself for making her feel bad about it.
Even with all the pain her ex-wife had caused her, my mother has endured and got through to that stage enough to talk about her with us without having to lie about her past.
I turn slowly to apologize but before a word even leaves my mouth, my mother makes a movement with her hand to make up for my behavior as she sits down on the floor with some difficulty in her movements. Not as delicate as before, not as fast; and for the first time I notice it, I notice the small strands of grey color beginning to be born in her black hair and the only idea of time affecting my mother stabs me in the stomach.
My mother pats the ground next to her to offer me a place and dragging my steps still invaded by grief I approach and do what she tells me. As usual.
The woman looks straight ahead as we sit there in nowhere under the care of those stars she loves so much.
"The question is, Sloan, it wasn’t like that"
Mama extends her legs to the front to cross them and I can notice in her the nervousness that overwhelms her when she begins to play with her hands between them, if mom were here it would be the moment when she would take those delicate and thin hands between hers to make her feel safe. I know.
“When I met Ell, I didn't really know what love was; she was just there and I saw in her what I wanted to see. A refuge from my reality and when she made me feel that I made her happy, she became my everything ”
I turn my gaze a little to see my mother, she keeps looking straight ahead without moving.
“I know you know what happened, I left my friends, my family, my dreams for her; getting married was just the next step for our magical world, or at least the one I thought we had, to become reality and that's obviously not how things work ”
I nod again as my mother's words echo inside me one by one.
"Do you know what I admire most about you?" She asks out of the blue, getting me out of my thoughts and I immediately deny in response.
"That no matter how confused you were in life, you always knew what you wanted"
I try not to snort when a laugh comes out of me when I hear her statement. My mother rolls her eyes bumping her shoulder against mine.
“I am serious, S. You have always been sure of even the smallest thing in your life, like that you loved the color black, despite the fact that your mother and sister wanted to paint everything in colors. Do you remember the discussion about our first Christmas outfits together? ” My mother smiles and I smile the second the moment plays in my mind.
"Or when you decided what you wanted dedicate yourself to music? You were just 12 years old! And you rehearsed every single day in the afternoon regardless of whether all the other kids your age preferred going to the movies or playing with their friends. You have always been this determined to achieve your dreams ”
My smile grows bigger when I remember that mama puts aside how much they hated that summer when I started playing drums as my main instrument. Or Hayley's tantrums when I refused to see another marathon of the silly wizard and his friends; which, to tell the truth, did not last long because my sister has always known how to convince me to do silly things.
“When you decided to study at Cambridge you didn't take your finger off the line, even if you had to redouble your efforts in your studies; even knowing that your mother would not be so happy to know that you would move out of the country, even knowing that you would have to get away from your sister who has always been by your side. Even knowing that it would break my heart to see you leave” My mother pauses when her voice falters and the lump in my throat is present too.
"But seeing you so happy on that stage after having achieved a solo in your first year of university, that paid for all the anguish of not having you with us anymore"
I don't remember when the tears started to flow from my eyes but now they run down my cheeks and when I look at my mother she’s crying too.
"Life sometimes doesn't turn out as we expect, kiddo." A silly giggle comes from me when I hear that nickname mama has used with me since the first time we met. It is ridiculous how many memories a single word can evoke.
"And you and I know that better than anyone. I did not expect to find the love of my life at my daughter's school and you did not expect to find a sister in your class,” says my mother, shaking her head in disbelief and smiling at the impending irony.
“But what I do believe faithfully is that life itself takes its course and takes us where we should be. Our family is the biggest example of this”
My mother puts her arm around my shoulders and I settle on her chest crying for the first time in the night, and yes, I do it like that lonely girl from our memories.
“So if for now everything seems dark and confusing, look up they will be with you always; like they did with me and they took me to your mother ” Mama kisses my forehead and I hold on to her so tightly that I think I could break her; but my mother says nothing, on the contrary, she returns the hug in the same way.
Sitting on the roof of that huge building, my mother gives me the greatest learning of my life; and everything she says makes sense. Only life knows what it has in store for me in the future and whatever it is, I will know that wherever it takes me, I will be fine.
That lesson is with me every day that I spend away from Austria, for another two years and it hits me like a bucket of cold water when I return for Hayley's graduation and she is there. Looking as beautiful as always.
Caden and I talk like before, with no bad memories between us, no hard feelings; and when she takes my hand at the end of the night to dance our song I know that mom is smiling while she swings at the same melody with mom.
Life takes its course and I am fine. Not just because I am where I am supposed to be, at the right time; but because whatever happens, all of them, my family, the three women who have made me the person I am today, will always be with me.