Chapter Text
Soojin
28 March 2019
The streets are painted pink with the petals of the cherry blossoms. The sweet fragrance floating around the air giving out an atmosphere of new beginnings. Soojin takes her time walking towards her favorite pastry shop, stopping by every once in a while and to smell the flowers so to speak. While there were countless other bakeries and pastry shop, this one was the only one she really likes – selling Chocolate Cream Puffs, Cinnamon Roll Twists, Cheesecake Napoleones, and of course, her favorite – Strawberry Muffins.
The interior of the pastry shop is as small as the cafe that Minnie and her always went to, but it smells sweeter and felt more homey to Soojin.
The cashier places the paper bag on the counter with a smile. "Here's your order, miss!" she says sweetly, sliding the paper bag closer to her reach.
Soojin's whole face brightens at the sight of the two strawberry muffins inside, immediately crumpling the paper bag in her fist. "Thank you," she quickly turns away from the cashier. As she opens the paper bag, the sweet scent of the strawberry muffins waft closer to her nose. She pushes her hand inside and grabs hold of a piece.
She feels ridiculous, being so obsessed with something like this.
But she takes another inhale of the strawberry muffin before she slowly fits the tiny bite in between her teeth. Soojin squeezes the slit of the paper bag back in her fist and carries the strawberry muffin like a cloud in her lips.
It isn't until she looks up that she sees a woman staring right at her – her eyes are the shade of the moon, bare and raw in Soojin's throat.
"Your strawberry muffin," Shuhua watches the muffin pounce on the floor and into her feet. She looks at Soojin, quickly realizing the older woman will make no move to get it. "Soojin," her voice breaching at the sound of the other woman's name. "Soojin!"
It feels like this is the first time she's heard it from Shuhua's lips, like this is the last time she ever will.
"Okay..." Shuhua hesitates for a moment before slowly bending down to take the strawberry muffin from the floor. But Soojin rushes over to grab Shuhua by the wrist. Shuhua's eyes snap towards her.
"Soojin?" Shuhua questions, her eyes staring at the careful fit of Soojin's fingers against her skin.
"Don't tell me to let go," Soojin hears herself say through the soft tremble of her mouth.
"But if I do," Shuhua's voice trembling even more, glancing at the tight grip Soojin's fingers had on her wrist, "...will you?"
Swallowing the fear gritting into her throat, softly, she says, "No. I won't."
"Then," Shuhua murmurs, slipping her wrist out of Soojin's hold and linking their fingers together in a fleeting breath, "Don't."
---
"You never moved out," Shuhua observes as she stares at Soojin unlocking the door.
Soojin ushers Shuhua into the apartment in a daze. Her fingers are still latching on to Shuhua's like she's afraid that the other girl will suddenly disappear. Her hand is beginning to sweat, but she doesn't dare loosen her grip. Shuhua doesn't bother to question her about it despite her obvious curiosity. They both know what happened the last they had met, how easily she let Shuhua walk away, like the relationship never meant anything to her. Instead, she lets Soojin lead her into the nifty interior of their– her apartment.
"It's," Soojin hesitates, not quite sure on what to tell Shuhua why she couldn't leave. I couldn't bear leaving this place. Your ghosts will follow me anywhere I go, anyway. This was the last thing I had of you. "It's practical."
That earns an amused twitch on Shuhua's lips before she finally gives in and lets a smile break over her face. Her heart skipped a beat. Soojin hasn't seen that in years. She doesn't realize how much she's missed it until now.
She turns to Shuhua for a moment, a blush rising on her cheeks. "Dinner," she murmurs. "Would you like to stay with me?"
Soojin doesn't know what she means when she asks Shuhua that, if she's asking to stay for the night itself or if she's asking Shuhua to never leave her again. But either way, the other girl's mouth opens like a fracture over Soojin's lips, and the other replies in fine greeting, exchanging the letters in between their lips – like a secret. A promise. Finally.
17 April 2019
This is the first time she's had to cook for anyone else.
Soojin is used to have Minnie over to cook her breakfast, until she eventually learned that she was never going to fend for herself unless she learned how to turn on the stove. Minnie had taught her – it took her more than a few hours to make Soojin actually understand what she was saying. It started with the easier ones: eggs, strips of bacon, white rice, and even the occasional mushroom soup. Until she learned to cook more difficult dishes. As time passed, she realized that cooking was one of the things she enjoyed the most since Shuhua left.
In a way, she kept hoping that it would have somehow brought Shuhua back.
That's why, when she finishes pouring all the mushrooms into the Brown Rice Risotto, she finds herself looking back at Shuhua, who's firmly seated at the table. Even after weeks of being with her –she still can't believe that Shuhua is here.
"Did it hurt?" Shuhua's voice is swollen and thick "Did–did you regret anything when I left?"
"Shuhua..." Soojin takes two plates and puts them on the table.
Carefully, she lays her palms on the table, ignoring the wobble of her knees. "Sometimes," she says, "I put out two plates, and pretended that you were here, that you came back to me. Sometimes, I put two pillows beside me on the bed, and pretended that you were sleeping next to me on nights I couldn't stop the nightmares. Sometimes, I just slept on the couch, to ignore your absence. Sometimes," she continues, her heart charring, "I pretended that you hadn't left me, that I could still feel your heartbeat even though mine was completely empty."
"When I said I'd rather forget we existed... It was because I didn't want to feel the burn of your absence. And there wasn't a day that I didn't regret not stopping you from leaving."
Shuhua's eyes snap towards her, her heart crumbling the pain found in Soojin's voice. She remembers the way she had found Soojin bleeding before anyone could have noticed, how Soojin had told her that it was nothing. Shuhua's voice comes out weak and struggling, like her words are about to split.
"Sometimes," Shuhua rises off her seat and grabs Soojin's wrist "I wondered if you woke up to an arm reaching out only to see the empty space beside you. Sometimes, I tried to take back the letter I wrote. Rewrite it in my head."
"Sometimes," Shuhua stutters, "Sometimes, I wondered if I meant anything to you."
"You do." Soojin chokes out, not hiding behind any facade anymore "You mean more than the world to me."
---
"Why did you leave me?" she whispers, afraid that vshe would scare away Shuhua and bring back the ghosts. "I thought you'd always be there for me."
They were lying on the bed, tangled together. Eclipsing each other, like the sun and moon. Dark and Light. Summer and Winter. She could hear the soft burrow of Shuhua's heart beating, listening to it like the rush of an ocean wave before it simmers down into the sea. "I did, as well."
Shuhua brushes a thumb against Soojin's cheek, and looks into the moonlight in her eyes. "I can't say that I didn't regret. I–I spent so much time thinking about us, about this."
"I understand why you left. I understand why you had to go."
'because I fed on my demons even when you tried so hard to not let them grow.'
"Tell me," Shuhua says, like a willow has burned into her teeth, "what else you're hiding."
Her eyes open like a burst, a thought, a constellation. She gathers Shuhua in her arms, their bodies tousled beneath the sheets. Their legs are vined together – hip touching hip, exchanging secrets in between their knees, their hearts jumping from ribcage to ribcage.
"Tell me," Shuhua urges, her finger touching Soojin's chest in a tremble, "if I'm still here."
Soojin's lips curve into a smile as she reaches closer to Shuhua's throat. "And here." Her mouth fractures over Shuhua's shoulder, at the side of her neck, the stiff line of her jaw, the mountain of her collarbones, her stomach, her wrists, the outer portion of her ribs. She says, "Here," in every kiss, in every second that her lips pass over Shuhua's skin.
"Everywhere," she murmurs, her voice a stitch over Shuhua's heartbeat. "Everywhere, entirely, like there's no other way to complete me."
---
she says,
"i love you,"
so easily that it rolls on my tongue.
she is my world, a place i have grown to love.
---
26 June 2019
Finally, Soojin is getting used to the abomination– correction, blessing – that is coffee and coffee shops. She watches in amusement as Minnie and Shuhua talk, catching up to one another.
Morning rush hour in cafes are the worst– the hustle and bustle of people, all trying to get their liquid drug to stay awake for the nine-to-five hell that was their jobs. All trying to cut each other so that they wouldn't get late to work, but the time spent in line just proved to be counterproductive.
However, cafes in the afternoons– well, they're one of the things that Soojin can get used to.
It's because there are many reasons, such as they weren't as crowded in the afternoon. The way Soojin could listen to the soft music playing over the speakers, and not the chattering of people. But her favorite reason is meeting with Minnie for their monthly catch ups. They did meet out more often, but the cafe tradition was too sweet to let go. Or so Minnie justifies, relishing the way Soojin cringes and glares at caffeine. Sometimes, it's the way they would go to Soojin's favorite pastry shop after that.
But today, Soojin's reason was Shuhua. It's holding hands as they walk to the cafe and into the cabin, sitting together on the same bench as they overlook the skies streaming over the city. Sometimes, they're slightly pink before it turns into a wild shade of orange. Sometimes, they look like they're making love to the sea – lightly coated with cyan, and then turning far deep. Sometimes, they're lilies – catching lavender in her palms and giving them to Shuhua when she falls asleep.
And –
Shuhua always falls asleep in the oddest times. In fact, she's sleeping now. Her head is resting on Soojin's shoulder, her breathing light and easy. But their hands are still interlinked, as if Shuhua is unable to let go of her thoughts even when she's already sleeping. And Soojin is always brushing her thumb over Shuhua's knuckles, soothing her in her slumber. It's always like this, and Soojin always falls in love with it.
"You're right, unnie." Soojin smiles, brown eyes meeting brown eyes "It does get better."
Minnie smiles back, overjoyed at her friend getting the happy ending she deserves. "I'm glad you got better."
She watches the sky become three different colors at once as they continued talking to each other. Laughing at Shuhua's light snore, and how she could fall asleep while conversing with Minnie. I told you that you're such a boring person to talk to.
For a moment, it looks like spring, and then it doesn't, and then it looks like morning in the summer when she wakes. But every time Soojin looks at the same sky, she thinks of one thing.
Shuhua is her warmth. Shuhua is her sun. Shuhua is her phoenix. And she's thankful for giving her a chance for rebirth.
Sometimes, when i lean in, your hair smells like peaches and flowers and every good thing in this world.