Chapter Text
lu keran returns to the dorm room after her interview with multiple balled up tissues in her hand, successfully shooting the massive ball into the garbage can during her first try. she emptily chuckles at her small but unexpected victory.
she enjoys the luxury of just lying down in the dorm room alone, as naiwan was still training, and lin fan was probably in lingzi’s dorm just hanging out.
keran isn’t sure if being a luxury at all is a privilege now that she’s been alone for a couple of minutes in the room. she could really use a pep talk from nai wan, or some teasing from lin fan to make her burst into tears induced by laughter.
perhaps she was eating with them or...
just sleeping. if she was already asleep, and naiwan was planning to sleep in another dorm room for the night, she’d really would be alone.
but in all honestly, she didn’t want to be alone.
talking and opening up about her family wasn’t something she consistently did in her life. being the obedient only child was expected of her, but choosing to be here made her family’s dissipating approval and support in her activities dissipate.
if they thought she wasn’t serious, she would show them how much she’s been working for her dream.
she was born to perform on stage and to be seen on tv screens, not sit behind glass for hours keying in thousands of numbers and dealing with money.
keran cries yet again at the thought, digging the heel of her palm into her eyes to make it stop. she cried on camera. that made her completely vulnerable now.
hopefully, people would understand her struggles and not use what she shared to try and slander her. feeling unwanted by her family, save for her aunt was enough. how much more hurtful would it be to hear words of spite from strangers who criticize you based on the image of you they themselves decide to believe in?
nothing made her hurt more than wanting to be a good daughter, but also defy her family’s wishes to fulfill her dream.
her dream, not theirs.
her life, not theirs.
her success, not theirs?
of course she wanted them to share in her success, even if they hadn’t been supported her?
why?
they were still family after all, and she missed being in her mother’s arms.
all she wanted was to make them proud, but the thought always made her heartbroken. even if she did make it on tv at least once, what if they dismissed that success and go back to their old ways?
she could have a partner or even be married right now, they said. but keran is lying down, crying in her dorm room because the person she wants the most comfort from is the same person who thinks her aspirations are fickle.
she misses her mom so badly.
keran sobs into her pillow uncontrollably as she hears a cheery “hey! hey! hey!” echo into the room.
it was pretty early—not even 11pm yet.
“oh, hey!” she casually responds with her face still buried in the pillow, rubbing her eyes fiercely while her head is hung low after slowly rising up.
lin fan’s brows are knitted in concern as she kneels in front of a now seated keran. the younger is clearly exhausted from whatever training she’d gone through before this, obviously wanting nothing more but to rest, but her genuine concern for keran makes the elder feel lucky.
even though lin fan was tired, she was all smiles—rainbows, sunshine, you name it. they’ll never evoke as much happiness as lin fan did. well, at least for lu keran.
the younger always directly looked out for others, not caring whether she was feeling more disheartened at the moment. she was always an amazing empathizer. “keke, what’s wrong?” the compassion in lin fan’s voice makes keran melt.
a few weeks ago, the tables were turned. keran remembers lin fan being upset, but being reminded of her family really made keran emotional. she’s glad lin fan is doing better now, but she doesn’t want to have lin fan stay up all night just to help her stop crying.
keran doesn’t force herself to smile. her lips form into a thin line as lin fan laces their fingers together, giving a soft squeeze.
she knows that lin fan knows something was up, but still tries to deflect attention away. “nothing big. just go to bed. it’s rare that you sleep early.” it was true, keran always made sure to keep her health in check and sleep early. despite her constant nagging, lin fan always stayed up to train until the early hours if she felt like she could do more.
the younger scoffs at the dismissal and grabs a box of tissues, offering it to keran.
lin fan was stubborn alright. when she knew keran was down and keran would try to push everyone away claiming she was fine, she wouldn’t back down until she ascertained that the elder was feeling better.
“i have time.” lin fan hands keran more tissues, as the elder’s breathing finally calms down to a steadier pace.
keran’s forced smile finally fades. “just really wanna do my best, y’know?” she mumbles, nearly stuttering as she tells lin fan about the interview.
“and you are doing your best.” lin fan happily says. “everyone loves you, millions of people are voting for you.” the words sound sweeter from the younger’s lips, and keran’s heart flutters.
“that’s still so crazy.” keran admits. it was difficult to imagine a hundred girls. having millions of votes was even more surreal.
lin fan’s smile only grows wider as she playfully shoves keran, and plays with her hands, trying to get her to cheer up.
“isn’t it?” lin fan giggles for some reason, seeming more energetic for her friend’s success than she is for her own. “i mean, it was hard enough for me to think of being with 108 girls, but millions of votes just for you is even wilder.” she says in disbelief, making keran involuntarily grin.
“at the interview i talked about my family,” keran finally breathes out, and lin fan immediately pats her back soothingly.
that small source of comfort alone makes keran tear up again, sniffling as she bares her soul to lin fan yet again. “j-just want them to recognize me, see me on tv, see my hard work.”
lin fan keeps whispering words that make keran’s heart swell in gratitude that she can’t quite verbalize.
“you know they never understood me, right? just hurts when i-i’m giving up so much, and they think this rebellion or whatever is immature.” she confesses, and lin fan takes time to process her words.
lin fan offers keran more tissues. “i understand you. soon enough, they will too.”
“they’re family. they’ll learn to respect you and your work eventually because deep down, they love you. and you’re amazing. don’t doubt yourself because you can and will succeed. the mentors love you, and so does the public.” and so do i, lin fan thinks, but doesn’t dare to mention.
keran’s needed to hear those words for such a long time, and can’t maintain her growing composure as she sobs into the tissues.
it was true, she was told that she was getting better, but she wished her family could directly understand, acknowledge, and appreciate her. an ‘i love you’ or ‘thank you’ is something she’s craved for too, but hearing ‘you did well’ from her family would mean the world to her.
“lin fan,” she hugs the younger who accepts with familiarity.
“you need to try and stop doubting yourself all the time when everyone around you is rooting for you.” lin fan tells her, but breaks into a chuckle after because she realizes that she’s guilty of doing the same. she was just better at hiding it.
keran nods. it’s true. self-doubt would get her nowhere. it was time she accepted compliments proudly, just like how easily others accepted her advice which turned out to greatly help them during performances. “i know. i’ll try harder.” she promises.
lin fan leaves keran in bed for a bit as she prepares to sleep, but keran can only stare at the darkness, wondering what would lie ahead for tomorrow.
when lin fan is back, she suddenly climbs into keran’s bed, comfortably setting into the blankets with her. keran’s eyes widen in surprise—they haven’t done this in a long time.
“move a few inches please, oldie.” lin fan winks and keran pretends to groan, but hurriedly moves so that they’re both comfy in the confines of the warm blanket amidst the cold.
they both stare at the ceiling as keran suddenly holds lin fan’s hand. the younger immediately grips it, not hesitating for a moment.
silence prevails for a while as both think of different concepts, situations, possibilities, until lin fan suddenly speaks.
“if ever you get asked again and the questions are sensitive... and you don’t want to answer, just don’t. i don’t want them to pry, and i don’t want you to force yourself to talk about it.” she plays with keran’s hand like her sincere words are nothing,
“okay?”
“you’re too sweet, i swear.”
“not a little sweet?” lin fan smirks, trying to annoy the hell out of lu keran to distract her from sad thoughts.
keran groans at the lame joke, and lin fan just laughs at herself.
“laugh, lu keran. i wanna make you smile.” the younger lightly pinches keran’s cheeks
lin fan can’t stifle her hearty laughter as keran’s fingers skitter against her sides, making her wiggle. “you need to t-tickle me less! it’s unfair! i started it!” the younger argues as the two are sharing full-blown chuckles now, ignoring that the people next dorm may hear them.
keran doesn’t plan on stopping, as she lays down on lin fan, trapping the younger from attempting to tickle her.
“unfair! i was trying to make you laugh , keke!” the younger adorably complains about her failed plan as she wraps her arms around keran’s waist.
they both suddenly settle down. keke stops, and is surprised because lin fan really doesn’t try to retaliate.
lin fan blurts out her sentiments. “this is nice.” keran buries her head into linfan’s neck, making the younger squirm from the ticklish breath.
“anyway, keke. just tickle me less because i was trying to make you smile, and... doubting yourself? you need way less of that.”
keran agrees with a hum, digging under lin fan’s torso to wrap her arms around the younger’s waist too.
she doesn’t know what caused her brain to suddenly gain confidence to do what she was planning to do next, but maybe it was all the fluttery feelings in her heart.
she just knows that she wants to do this.
she needs to do this.
hopefully, lin fan does too.
“i think i might need more of this though.” keran responds as lin fan doesn’t complain about her weight on top of her, clearly unbothered by keran’s presence, appreciating it even.
lin fan brushes keran’s bangs to see her face better. her long hair indicated that they’ve been here for such a long time, made so much progress. the thoughts make lin fan feel pleasant. “what? hugs?” the younger giggles, but pauses in silence, thickly swallowing as keran straddles her.
her heart is beating like crazy, threatening to find its way out of the ribcage that confines it any second now. what does this mean to keran? lin fan could only think of one thing, but was still uncertain if keran was referring to what she had in mind.
the compromising position finally registers for both of them as keran begins to come in closer to lin fan, who boldly decides to sit up and put her hands on keran’s slender waist.
keran’s heart is beating so loudly, she wonders if lin fan can hear, but lin fan only softly wipes keran’s nearly dried tears.
lin fan surges first and kisses keran’s forehead and hugs her gently, treating her like she’s as fragile as a porcelain doll. she’s never been this forward before, and keran takes this as a sign to initiate more.
what did lin fan mention again?
hugs?
did she need more hugs?
keran looks up at lin fan. “no.” before lin fan has time to express her shock or confusion, keran affirms her thoughts.
“you.” keran grins as she presses her lips lovingly against lin fan’s, who eagerly accepts. everything flies by so quickly, the two never imagining that this could’ve happened, but keran’s arms wind themselves around lin fan’s neck. their bodies are pressed so closely to each other, like breaking apart would make them lose oxygen.
this alone sets lin fan’s soul on fire. hell, she didn’t know combustion could feel this satisfying.
keran’s tongue meets the roof of lin fan’s mouth, and darts along lin fan’s tongue, earning a breathy moan from the younger. they both feel the warmth in their bodies as lin fan pulls away breathless, needing to gasp as the passion overwhelms her.
she’s dizzy and dazed in a trance as keran processes what just happened. it felt so right, so nice. she felt complete.
their foreheads press against each other as lin fan tightens her hold around keran’s slender waist, the taller lightly sucking on lin fan’s lower lip, enjoying the panting she draws from that.
keran tilts lin fan’s head for more access to her mouth as the younger hungrily wants more, as indicated by her tight grip on the band of keran’s sweatpants, nails nearly digging into her waist. lin fan giggles yet again after keran kisses her on the cheek and they just stay like that—keran on her lap, both of then staring at each other.
lin fan’s eyes are so bright and sparkly, keran wouldn’t mind getting lost in them a bit longer. lost in the moment, lin fan suddenly squishes keran’s cheeks, forming a pout with her plump limps, rendering both in giggles as they finally decide to sleep.
they don’t exchange words at all in between, or bother to talk about what just happened. all they know is that it was blissful, and something both of them have wanted for so long. in hindsight, they’re idiots for not doing this earlier.
the decision to cuddle to sleep on keran’s bed is unspoken. they utter nothing more to each other as keran rests her head in the junction of lin fan’s shoulder and neck, the younger letting out a hum of satisfaction.
keran’s weight is nothing to her. keran’s presence alone has helped her feel weightless from all the burdens earned from tribulations she’d encountered in the past.
lin fan softly pats keran’s head as the elder drifts off to sleep first, hoping she gave keran the same amount of reassurance she always received. keran deserved success and happiness more than anyone, for lin fan.
it’s surreal feeling this for the first time, and keran is right.
more than hugs and first kisses, maybe she and lin fan need each other.