Chapter Text
Cuddles comes after sex.
Doyoung doesn’t want to admit but he likes the feeling of Jaehyun pressed against his back after their heated session. He’s not one to deny it when the other insisted on becoming the big spoon. He’s also not one to refuse being touched so tenderly when Jaehyun starts playing with his hair. Perhaps, he also seeks this kind of thing, having someone care…
“What are you thinking?” he whispers, shifting just enough to see Jaehyun who’s face were just inches away from his reddening ears.
Jaehyun kisses his ear lightly, “Nothing. Just wondering why your hair feels soft after all those dye jobs.” he joked.
Doyoung huffs, pinching Jaehyun’s hand above his hair. It didn’t stop the latter from playing though. Doyoung secretly relished at the gentle touch, something he will never say out loud. “I put effort into my appearance unlike other people. Thank you very much.” he couldn’t shake off stares he gets from people who knew Jaehyun and Taeyong. They scrutinize him, judge him like he’s a vulture pecking on someone else’s spoil. “You know I wasn’t born lucky.”
“I’m not lucky either.”
Doyoung chuckles hoarsely, “Says who? You’ve got women worshipping you on daily basis. I don’t know if I’m jealous of them or jealous of you. I don’t even know why I should be jealous. Waah, I’m so pathetic it’s disgusting.”
“You’re gorgeous, Doie.” Jaehyun compliments with another kiss to prove his point. The sincerity in Jaehyun’s voice, the heat in his skin where Jaehyun’s lips touch burns and it makes Doyoung guiltier.
Liar.
He’s heard them call him a cheat.
“I’m not.”
Doyoung is a strong person. The times he cried can barely be counted in his fingers. Even after his friend’s death, Doyoung sucked it up like a mature adult, only showing his weakness after the burial, allowing himself to crumble inside his room without other people watching. Soon after he discovered that alcohol cures loneliness, it became his substitute to crying, the harshness in his throat felt as welcoming as Taeyong’s warm hug.
…Taeyong
Oh god, his beautiful and sweet friend, Taeyong—who’s like a brother to him.
This burning jealousy he’s feeling over Jaehyun’s dead fiancé is repulsive he couldn’t even stop it.
Jaehyun’s body often makes him forget, but it’s not enough.
He couldn’t even look Taeyong’s mother in the eye as it was so shameful. Every fiber of his body trembles as he falls even deeper into his depression. Hah! And another part of him is disgusted being compared to his dead friend. Why can’t they just leave him alone?
Why?
Why?!
Sure, Lee Taeyong’s got fucking everything— but so was Doyoung! If he can’t compete in face value, he sure can knock Taeyong in anything—wealth, connections, friends, his business prowess… Jung Jaehyun who moaned for him, called his name in fervent ardor, Doyoung… Doyoung… Doyoung, as he climaxed.
He’s no Taeyong but he’s better.
He’s good in bed and he can make Jaehyun forget. That’s what matters most.
However, no matter how hard he creates a world where he is superior in all aspect, one single look from their peers brings him down the deepest bottom of his fears and Doyoung can see himself crumbling.
He’s no Taeyong and he’s starting to loathe it. “I wasn’t born lucky, Jaehyun. I’m not even—”
Jaehyun frowns. It didn’t suite him his handsome face.
The underlying envy tasted so bitter against Doyoung’s tongue. He wishes death would come to him soon, punish him for thinking ill of Taeyong… their beautiful Taeyong. He’s sick in the head. Antagonizing the dead, wishing he could bury Taeyong’s memories along with his rotting body wherever the hell it is so that people around them can finally acknowledge him as someone equal and worthy of Jaehyun.
“I also dislike getting mean looks from the people around us. I had to look good.” Right, he has to.
Hot air blew touched his neck as Jaehyun smiles. “You already look good, Doie. You’re very pretty.”
“Yeah, right.” The doubt settles heavy against his gut but he couldn’t tell Jaehyun what he feels. It has been almost three years since they started this set-up. Oh, the cliché. At first, it was to overcome the grief, drowning themselves with bottles and bottles of vodka until they both cannot count how many more they could take before the faithful night that changed their life forever. It was still vivid in his memories, how Jaehyun told him how beautiful he is before slotting their mouths together. Doyoung blamed the alcohol and his weakness when he kissed back, desperately catching those lips that used to kiss his dear friend.
One thing led to another like a domino.
The morning came and it was a nightmare.
He felt so dirty, sleeping with the guy his best friend was supposed to marry. Jaehyun apologized profusely, eyes dead but words sincere. Doyoung accepted because he also took advantage of Jaehyun. And also, like a nasty devil in his mind, he liked every bit of it. The sex was so good he wanted more.
So, he got more.
The next time they did it, it was when Yuta died in his hospital bed. The trauma was too much his body just stopped healing and working altogether. It didn’t come a shock as the doctors already mentioned this when they diagnosed Yuta. It just felt bitter that the hope they have was shattered into nothing after Yuta’s heart stops beating. Jaehyun pulled Doyoung somewhere, then clothes fell one by one as they walked to the bed—they didn’t even make it there. Doyoung eagerly wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, shamelessly moaning as he begs for more, faster, harder, as he explodes in pure ecstasy. Jaehyun delivers Doyoung’s wishes and bites at every exposed skin like a painter harshly splaying angry reds to his canvas. And after the high came down, they stayed still, both refusing to look at each other, probably thinking why they ended up in this mess again. Doyoung was the first one to leave, no words exchanged, only a nod as he bid good bye.
The third time, Doyoung’s memory is quite hazy, because they’ve been doing it for as long as he can remember. To forget.
Or to pleasure themselves.
But mostly to feel another body beside him in the guise of forgetting and mourning for the dead.
The fervent touches, hungry kisses, late night calls and furtive glances. Doyoung wished for someone to light him on fire because that’s what he deserves and not Jaehyun, who burns him with desire every fucking night.
He is so lost in his thoughts that when Jaehyun pulled him closer, he jerked in response. “Stop thinking. I stopped thinking a long time ago, Kim Doyoung.”
Suddenly Doyoung forgot to breathe. The feelings he buried deep came surging like a wave and he cannot stop it. Not now—“How can I? I’m a traitor. Jaehyun, I betrayed them. We fucked and forget. We selfishly ignored the present and now—fuck, I am so selfish. Jaehyun, this—everything, is fucked up, and I still want you. Yeah, the shitty thing is I want you. I’m so sick in the head thinking that this is the right thing when all I ever do is—” eyes shot frantic, fingers balled against Jaehyun’s chest. He can’t stop cursing himself to stop. “Every time I close my eyes, I can see Taeyong. Every time I sleep, I dream of Taeyong. He’s looking at me like I hurt him, Jaehyun. I betrayed him, and Yuta too. Like I am the one who drove them off the cliff, I survived and they didn’t—god, they didn’t! And I realize that I’m happy because at the end of the day I’ll have you. Do you get me?!” he sounding hysterical now. The dreams he’s got for the past years, the fears, longing… sadness… everything is hitting him like punches in his gut and he’s about to break.
He didn’t realize he was crying until Jaehyun wiped his tears away, one hand tugging him closer until there’s no more space between them. Jaehyun is mostly silent, letting Doyoung cry onto him, only tightening his arms around Doyoung, a reassurance that he’s there listening.
“You’re not alone in this, Doie. Whatever you feel, whatever I made you feel, I’m sorry.” Doyoung shakes violently as fresh tears spills out of his eyes. Jaehyun drops a kiss on his forehead, pushing his damp hair away from his face. Jaehyun tilts his chin up, “But I never regret kissing you. I never regret this, the times we shared, even if it is only in bed. You are special to me, Doyoung, ever since. We may have started at the wrong foot but that doesn’t mean we cannot change it. Those years I spent with you are the only thing that anchors me everyday. Whenever I feel like ending my life, whenever I feel like jumping on the very same cliff, I remember you. You’ll be alone… you won’t have anyone to hold you anymore… and I don’t want you to go through it again because you have me and we’re doing a great job pretending together.” Jaehyun wipes Doyoung’s tears tenderly. He caught Doyoung’s eyes, searching, “I thought of it every time.” He chuckles darkly, “Why wouldn’t I? I don’t want you hurting yourself. I hate it. I hate it so much.”
This is real and it’s happening. Both male stops and stares at each other. Jaehyun carefully threads his fingers against Doyoung’s, bends down to kiss them tenderly, stopping at the ring finger bare of any ornaments, waiting for him to put something on it.
“Doyoung? I wish to make this real. I want to make us real. You are no rebound to me. You are yourself. And I’ve never compared you to Taeyong. It’s different. You are different.”
Doyoung gasps for air and lunges at Jaehyun. “Please don’t give me false hopes.”
“I am not. I… I like you, Doie. And I want to know more of you… I want to love again. And I want it to be you.”
It’s like he finally found the light in the never-ending tunnel. He’s surging up to gasp for air, and he breathe. There’s another chance for him to live again. Doyoung felt lighter. The kissed they shared is the sweetest of all. And Doyoung’s smiled the brightest in years, the first genuine smile Jaehyun had seen on him.
“I want that too.”
--
It’s been months since they confessed and a lot has happened. While many didn’t accept their new found relationship, eyes sharpening at the sight of their hands touching. There are few who wished them well. It was all Doyoung could hope for, really. To be acknowledged as Jaehyun’s lover.
They started doing things out of the norm like getting dinner after work or buying each other some coffee for breakfast. They even started hanging out in each other’s home—Jaehyun lounging on his couch, his head resting on top of Jaehyun’s chest, listening to Jaehyun’s voice as he tells him little stories at work, his snarky inputs in each stories making Jaehyun laugh and pinch his cheek and tells him how cute he is and then he tells Jaehyun how lucky he is to have him.
Yeah, it was out of the norm but Doyoung loves every bit of it.
Jaehyun has been extra sweet to him. Flowers made a permanent space in his office beside a small box where he keeps Jaehyun’s letters—something with Good Morning, my Doie neatly scribbled on a neat card. Also, Jaehyun allowed him to buy that cringey couples mug with atrocious art just for the laugh. They use it often when he comes over. His lover doesn’t miss sending him messages every opportunity he has, telling him that’s he’s on a meeting, whenever he’s out for a lunch, asking Doyoung to never skip a meal or else it’ll make him sad, reminding Doyoung how beautiful he is at random times, and jokes that he’s about to consult a doctor because he’s heart beats a little fast he’s having a hard time to breathe.
Then it’ll make Doyoung worry.
And Jaehyun will respond with, “That’s what you do to me just by simply existing, Kim Doyoung. You’re the only one who makes my heart beat fast. Kiss me so I can breathe better?”
And Doyoung will call him just to tell him how jerk he is for making him worry so much. But then he’ll mellow down once he hear Jaehyun’s childlike laugh and he’ll smile to himself, tells Jaehyun that, “I love you, Jaehyun. Give me fifteen minutes.” And he’ll drop whatever work he’s doing, call someone to take charge, and drive to Jaehyun’s building couple of blocks away from his own just to give him a kiss.
And it was sweet as fuck.
“Now I’m feeling better.” Jaehyun breathes into his neck, dropping little kisses here and there. “I’m going crazy missing you, Doie.”
Doyoung replies, “I missed you too. So much. Though I’m afraid I can’t stay long. I need to go back to work.” To which made his lover sulk. What a cute face. Doyoung smiles at him. “I just had to stop working because I want to kiss you too.” It’s getting a little bit tough not to moan at every touch of his lover’s lips. His skin tingles as if he’s burning.
“Dinner later?”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s our fourth monthsary.”
Jaehyun captures his lips for another kiss and Doyoung savors the warmth. They hugged each other for a minute or two before letting go reluctantly. “I love you.” Doyoung whispers.
Jaehyun takes his hand and brings it to his chest, above where he can feel Jaehyun’s heart. He looked him in the eye, something swirling in those brown orbs. Doyoung’s own heart burst in happiness. “It’s beating for you, Doie.”
Not yet.
No response yet.
But he can wait.
--
Doyoung gets pissed in the morning. Who wouldn’t? Jaehyun has to cut their morning love making short because of an overseas call, some mishap with the signed documents. His lover kissed him apologetically for missing breakfast with him before he bid goodbye. Doyoung understands how important Jaehyun’s current project is. Ever since his father retired, Jaehyun’s workload doubles as important documents and deals goes directly through him.
Also, Park Seulkyung decides to fuck up by not paying his dues for the month. That’ll make it three months now. The old man insist on lowering the due but Doyoung knows better than let the geezer have his way. The initial 5% was already agreed upon contract signing, and his building is full of business tenants. No way he couldn’t pay the signed amount. Just the thought of that money grabbing old fart hits several of Doyoung’s nerves.
He unintentionally snaps at the unsuspected bystander who unfortunately had to ride the long elevator ride with him. Doyoung’s brow twitched a bit, it’s the same unfortunate dude riding the lift while he and his beau are getting lost in the moment.
Doyoung breathes a sigh. His migraine is getting worse. Perhaps he needs to call Jaehyun to lessen the ache a bit. And he missed him so much too. Now that’s a good plan.
“Taeyongie.”
His breath hitches as his gut lurches at the name. The same pet name he calls his dear friend. It feels nostalgic… and different.
Muffled noise came in response. Doyoung refused to acknowledge the familiar soft tone. “Still inside the elevator. Why?” the other guy answered in accented foreign language. “Did Johnny forgot to tell me something?”
Doyoung suddenly felt his heart thundering against is chest. What is this? Who is this guy? And who is he talking to? His clammy fingers reached for his chest to feel how it beats.
“Shit.” The stranger pats something in his back pocket and flusters. “I totally forgot. I’m so sorry that he had to leave you alone, Yong. I promise I’ll send your husband back as soon as possible”
He can feel his throat constricting at the laughter from the other line. He doesn’t want to eavesdrop but he can’t not listen to how similar the voice is to Taeyong. It’s like his friend talking over the phone and it hurts.
The stranger muttered his thanks before ending the call. Doyoung couldn’t help but wince when the stranger caught him staring.
“What?” he asked with his brow raised.
“Nothing.” Doyoung answered just in time with the elevator pinged. The doors slid open and he went out. Every step felt hard that it was sort of a miracle he made it back to his car.
No way that’s Taeyong. Shit.
But it was definitely Taeyong’s voice and Taeyong’s laugh and he knew it by heart.
“Shit.” Another wave of pain hit his head. Doyoung slumps in his seat as he tries to calm himself. The pain wouldn’t go away. The throbbing subsides after a couple of minutes, Doyoung relaxes before he drives out of the building to go see Jaehyun.
He’ll be okay when he’s Jaehyun.
But the thought of the voice and the stranger settles deep in his head he couldn’t stop thinking.
He needs to find that stranger, and the owner of the familiar voice ‘Taeyong’. Doyoung has to see him. If he’s still alive. If he knew. A lot of things.
And after that, he’ll tell Jaehyun—
Doyoung drove faster.
Nope. He won’t tell Jaehyun. Not in a million years.
He’ll keep it to his grave if he can.