Chapter Text
“How far did you fucking park?” Darlene mutters as she wraps her arms around herself; it's so cold out that it almost feels like it's knocking the drunkenness out of her. They’re walking away from the warehouse down an empty street and there isn’t a single car in sight. “Are you just dragging me to a secluded alleyway so you could murder me and dump my remains in the trash?”
“Wow.” Dom or Tom or Whatever the Hell His Name Is laughs as he shoves his hands in his pockets. “Do you always assume the worst of everything?”
That’s a valid question and she hates that he’s asking it. “Seriously, dude - where the fuck is your car?”
“Relax, it’s just around the corner.” He pulls out his keys and presses a button on his remote; in the near distance, there’s a honk and a flash. “There were way more people here earlier, and that was the closest spot I could find.”
“Whatever.” She turns the collar of her jacket up and glares at his shoulder blades as she follows him down the cracked sidewalk. The voice in her head that suspiciously sounds like Cisco hasn’t said anything since they left the party, but she’s not sure if that’s better, because now she can’t stop thinking about the ‘conversation’ they had earlier by the bar. Okay, so maybe she is just using this dude, and okay, maybe she did have plans to just ditch him the morning after, and okay…maybe she’s just falling back into familiar patterns of terrible behaviour because it’s easier to believe she’s never going to change and she’s destined to be the same worthless piece of shit for the rest of her miserable life - but why does that even matter? If she wants to screw things up for herself, she has every right to. Neither Dom or Elliot have any say on what she can and can’t do. She’s a grown ass adult. She can take responsibility for herself. She knows exactly what she’s getting into and she can fully admit that it’s probably not the best thing for her right now, but whatever. It doesn’t matter. None of this fucking matters anymore.
Right?
Dom or Tom turns on his heel, making a sudden right turn. Darlene hastily follows him, and when she spots the huge, shiny black pickup truck - because of course it’s a fucking truck - parked by the curb, she sighs with relief. “Finally. I’m freezing my ass off out here.”
He jogs over to the passenger side and pulls the door open for her, grinning as he holds out a hand. “Ladies first.”
She rolls her eyes and ignores his hand, placing one foot on the step bar and hoisting herself up before clambering inside, but she nearly stumbles back when she spots an overstuffed backpack and a pile of papers occupying the seat in front of her. “Uh…”
“Oh, shit.” He clumsily half-circles the truck and climbs into the drivers’ seat, reaching over the console so he can grab everything and toss them in the back. “My bad. I wasn’t expecting guests.”
She finally settles into the passenger’s seat, twisting her torso so she can reach for the seatbelt. It smells like lemons in here. “What was all of that, anyway?”
“Notes.” He sticks his key into the ignition. “Got a paper due next week.”
“Wait, what?” She gawks at him. “You’re in school?”
“You got it.” He shrugs as the engine roars to life. “Pro tip: Don’t do grad school. It sucks ass.”
This new bit of information is making her feel extremely guilty for what she’s about to do. “Didn’t strike me as the grad school type.”
“Oh yeah?” He laughs as he wheels away from the curb and back onto the street. “Alright, three guesses on what you think I’m in grad school for.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Where are we going?”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care.” She crosses her arms. “Just…away, I guess.”
There’s a brief pause. He flips the turn signal as he approaches a stop sign. “We can head back to my place, if you want.”
Every cell in her body is screaming to say no. “That’s cool with me.”
He taps a finger against the steering wheel. “Cool.” After rolling past the intersection, he switches the stereo on, and suddenly the truck is booming with Florida Georgia Line. “So, any guesses on what I’m in school for?”
She keeps her eyes trained on the window. She’s not even sure if she wants to do this anymore. Did she ever really want to do it in the first place? “Not really.”
“C’mon, I’m sure you have something.”
Is she really going to just ruin this guy’s life because she’s desperate to fill an empty, gaping void in herself that’ll probably never close? “Some kind of business school? You look like a yuppie in training.”
He lets out another hearty laugh. “Nice one, but no.” He flips the turn signal again and passes a silver sedan. “Alright, two more guesses.”
She sighs. Playing this game with him is only humanizing him even more, which is making it a lot more difficult for her to separate herself from the situation. She can’t fall back into old patterns if she knows she’s taking advantage of someone who actually appears to be a good person - then again, Dom was a good person. She is a good person. Look what she ended up doing to her. “Are you trying to get into med school or something?”
“Are you kidding?” He chuckles. “My buddy bent his finger backwards at a pickup basketball game the other day and I almost fainted when I saw it. There’s no way I’d ever be a doctor.” He makes a left turn. “Last try - better make it count.”
“Okay…” She trails off, feeling even less motivated than ever. She briefly wonders how many bones she’d break if she opened this door and rolled out right now. “Fuck, man, I don’t know.”
“Just one more guess.” He insists with that stupid grin on his face, and she groans. There’s something very boy scout-like about him, and it’s only prompting her to think about her and how much she wishes it was her driving this douchey truck, listening to shitty music, trying to make her laugh with stupid, pointless rapport. The whole point of going home with this guy was so she could forget about Dom, but now she’s all she can think about. In fact, Dom’s really been the only thing on her mind way before she even decided to go to that dumb party. She knew what she wanted this whole time and she tried so hard to pretend she didn’t, but even she knows there’s a point where she’s just so deep in denial that it becomes downright pathetic. She can’t lie to herself anymore.
“Ugh.” Darlene thumps her head against the backrest and squeezes her eyes shut. “I can’t do this.”
“Huh?” He briefly takes his eyes off the road so he can gawk at her. “Wait, did I sa-”
“No, Jesus.” She vehemently shakes her head. “You didn’t say anything, okay? This is my fault.” She places a hand on the door handle. “Just…stop and drop me off here.”
“No, wait.” He turns down the music. “I said that we could talk about it if you wanted to. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
She lets out a dark chuckle and lolls her head to the side so that she’s staring out the window again. “Are you taking psychology?”
He scrunches his brow. “What?”
“School.”
“Oh.” He blinks. “No, that’s not it.” He finally slows down and pulls over by the sidewalk, but he doesn’t unlock the door. “It’s urban planning, actually.”
She knows she could just unlock the door herself, but for some reason she doesn’t want to right now. “Why?”
“It’s just my way of giving back, I guess.” He shrugs. “I did my undergrad in architecture. I want to build a place where the homeless and other disadvantaged people can get help and the resources needed to re-integrate themselves into society. It’ll have stuff like a computer lab, a food bank, a gym - sort of like a community centre, but for people who can’t afford the programs. The plan is to do a test in one neighbourhood first, and if it’s successful, branch out to other neighbourhoods. I want to have at least one place in each borough.” He laughs, clearly a little embarrassed. “It’s a lofty idea, I know. My friends rip on me all the time. They keep telling me I shoulda went to school for accounting or IT instead.”
“Goddammit.” She throws her head back against the seat again.
He looks genuinely terrified this time. “What did I do now?”
“Holy shit - you didn’t do anything. I told you already.” Darlene growls out of frustration as she buries her face in her hands. “Okay, full disclosure: If you were thinking there was going to be anything more out of this, you’re wrong.”
He frowns, and the confusion in his face is only making her feel even worse. “I don’t understand.”
“What’s there to not understand? You were supposed to be a drunken mistake and nothing else. Now you’re telling me shit about how you’re going to school so you can save the homeless, and…fuck!” She slams her fist against her thigh out of frustration.
He jumps a little at her sudden outburst, but his tone is calm and even. “So let me get this straight - this was only supposed to be a one night stand?”
Darlene groans again. “Yeah, but I can’t do that to you. You don’t deserve that.”
“You sound like you’re trying to run away from something.” He shifts around in his seat; it’s almost like he knows this is going to be a long conversation, so he’s making himself comfortable for it. “Did you think you were gonna be able to use me to forget about whatever it is you’re running away from?”
She rolls her eyes. “Are you sure you’re not in grad school for psychology?”
“I minored in it when I was doing my undergrad, if that counts for anything.”
“Of course you fucking did.” She sighs. “Look, you don’t want to be around someone like me. You’re…you’re a good person - at least that’s the vibe I’m getting from the very little information I have on you. If you stick around people like me, you’re going nowhere worthwhile. People like me drag people like you into the fucking tar pit so you can sink with them. People like me…” She sucks in a breath; she can feel the tears coming on, and she sure as hell does not want to break down in front of a complete stranger right now. “We ruin good people like you. Don’t let me do that to you. Please.”
He’s silent for a little while. His brow is scrunched and he’s frowning; she’s not sure if he’s upset or if he’s thinking really hard about something. It feels like ages have passed when he finally speaks up again. “Why do you think you’d ruin me? You don’t seem as bad as you’re making yourself out to be.”
She laughs. “Trust me, if you knew me - like, really knew me, you’d have a very different opinion.” Her eyes drop to her lap. “I…knew someone like you. She was good. She only wanted to help people, make this world a better place, or whatever. She always tried to do the right thing, and…” She clamps her eyes shut again. “She trusted me, which was a big fucking mistake, and she knew it was, but she did it anyway because she thought that, I dunno - maybe she thought I’d change for the better if someone just gave me a chance. It worked for a little while, but then I fucked it up like I always do, and I feel like shit for it. She gave me a chance and I blew it because that’s just who I am: I self-sabotage because I don’t know what the fuck to do when something that’s actually good for me comes along.”
He’s nodding again as he drinks in her words. It’s very Ben-like behaviour. “Is there anything you can do to fix it?”
“Nope.” She shakes her head. “I’m pretty sure it’s broken beyond repair at this point.”
“Have you at least tried?”
“Why?” She shrugs. “There’s no point. She doesn’t want to speak to me. It’s done. Might as well suck it up and try to forget about it.”
He strokes his beard with one hand. “No offence, but it doesn’t look like you’re gonna forget anytime soon.”
Darlene rolls her eyes again. “You think?”
“This person sounds really important to you.” Does he have a thing for pointing out the obvious? “Why are you giving up now? It doesn’t even look like you tried to fix things yet. If she means that much to you, why not put in the effort?”
“Because I know her, that’s why. When she sets her mind on something, it’s impossible to change it. She’s never going to forgive me and that’s that.” She sighs and unlocks her door, hooking her fingers around the handle. “Look, it’s probably for the best if you just forgot about me and everything that happened tonight. Work on your paper and build your homeless sanctuary or whatever.”
Just as she’s about to open the door, he calls out to her. “Wait.” She glances over her shoulder to address him; he’s giving her those stupid puppy dog eyes and she almost wants to punch him in the face just so he could stop looking at her like that.
“What?”
He rakes his fingers through his thick hair and Darlene immediately thinks about how Dom always does that when she’s nervous, which is pretty much all the fucking time, and how it’s one of her favourite things about her; she has to suck in another breath to keep her chest from collapsing inwards. “I just want to say that if this person really means something to you, you shouldn’t go down without a fight. I don’t think they’d want you to give up on them that easily.”
She raises an eyebrow at him. “They clearly gave up on me, so why should I return the favour?”
“Because relationships aren’t about returning favours.” He shrugs. “We don’t do good things for the people we care about just because we’re expecting something in return. We do good things for them because...well, we care about them. We want to see them happy, and we want them to succeed in everything they do.”
She tries not to think about how familiar that sounds. “She’ll only be happy if I remove myself from the picture.”
“Did she actually say that?”
His words trigger the memory of that morning when Dom kissed her when she thought she was asleep, and her chest painfully contrasts. “No, but she made it pretty clear that she feels that way.”
“How?”
She lets out another frustrated growl. “Why the hell does it matter to you, anyway? Who fucking cares - I fucked up, and she never wants to see me again. That’s it. End of fucking story.”
“I dunno.” He’s messing with his beard again. “I still think you should try. You obviously still care about her - you wouldn’t be this messed up if you didn’t. Even if she doesn’t end up forgiving you in the end, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to get some closure to this? You don’t want to spend the rest of your life thinking about what could’ve happened, do you?”
He needs to stop being right. “I don’t think I deserve anything, not after what I’ve done.”
“Nah, you do.” He smiles, and it’s annoying the hell out of her for some reason. “I get it - there’s always a risk of adding onto the hurt you’re already feeling right now, but even if that does end up happening, I think you’ll be okay no matter what. At least you’ll know the truth, and when you know the truth you’ll be able to figure out where to go next. If you don’t, you’ll be stuck wondering forever. The wound will never close. I know you don’t want that.”
“You don’t know shit about me or what I want.” She scowls at him, but he doesn’t waver.
“Maybe not, but I’m pretty confident that I’m right.” He really needs to wipe that stupid smile off his face. “Just think about it, okay? That’s all I’m asking.”
Darlene sighs. “Why are you being so nice to me? Shouldn’t you be texting your bros about how you’ve been cockblocked by this crazy bitch’s personal problems?”
He laughs. “Hasn’t anyone told you that a little kindness goes a long way? I’m just trying to do my part in making the world a bit brighter. Shit’s already crazy out there; we don’t need more of it.”
“Whatever.” She finally pushes the door open and swings her legs over so she can jump out.
He leans over the console. “Are you sure you don’t want me to drop you off anywhere? It’s the middle of the night.”
“I’m good, thanks.” She grunts as she hops out of the truck. She smooths out her pants with her hands before whirling around to face him one last time. “I think I need to walk this off - y’know, give myself some time to...think about it. Plus, I don’t want you to know where I live. What if you’re some crazy stalker who leaves dead animals by my doorstep?”
His dark eyes widen slightly when he realizes that she’s actually taking his advice seriously, and he laughs again. “Hey, that’s two murder jokes in one night.”
She smirks. “No. It’s one murder joke and one stalker joke. There’s a difference.” She pulls the hood of her jacket over her head. “Anyways...thanks, I guess. I think I can take it from here.”
“Don’t mention it…” He trails off and furrows his brow. “Uh, I don’t think I’ve actually gotten your name yet.”
She glances up at him with a small smile. “It’s Darlene.”
“Darlene?” He blinks. “That sounds so familiar. We’ve definitely met before.”
“Maybe.” She slips her hands in her pockets and starts walking. When she’s a few feet ahead of the truck, she hears him shout out to her:
“I hope things work out with you and your friend! Get home safe!”
She peeks over her shoulder just as the truck roars back to life. He gives her a small wave as he drives past her, and then he makes a right turn and disappears into the night.
Well, that definitely didn’t go as planned, and she’s kind of angry that he instilled a little bit of hope in her because the last thing she needs is false confidence, but she’s pretty certain that she knows what she needs to do now, and at this point she really doesn’t have anything to lose so she might as well fucking do it.
She briskly walks down the street and descends the steps into the subway.
Darlene doesn’t bother checking the time when she finally reaches Dom’s building. All she knows for sure is that it’s late as hell, and Dom’s going to be even more pissed with her than she already is, but whatever. She needs to do this now while she’s still motivated and somewhat hopeful.
She skips up the steps two at a time, huffing as she scurries towards the end of the hall. She doesn’t even hesitate when she finally stops at Dom’s door, raising a fist and banging on it as loud as she possibly can.
“Dom,” She shouts. “Wake the fuck up. I know you’re in there. We need to talk.”
Her knuckles are red and raw by the time Dom finally opens her door. Her hair is sticking up and out in every discernible direction, her shirt is riding up her stomach, and her glasses are slightly askew, but Darlene almost wants to cry when she finally lays eyes on her for the first time in three weeks. She’s so tempted to just step into her, to throw her arms around her and bury her face into her shirt and breathe her in, but she knows she can’t do that, and it’s very possible that she may not be able to do it ever again.
“Darlene,” Dom groans as she slides one hand beneath her glasses to rub at her eye. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s two in the goddamn morning. Are you drunk? Did you take something?”
Darlene brushes past her and lets herself in. “I said we need to talk.”
“Can’t we do this later?” Dom doesn’t try to physically kick her out, which is a good sign - or maybe she’s just too tired to do it.
“No, I think we’ve waited long enough.” She swallows hard. “Look, I just need you to listen, okay? Just listen to what I have to say, and when I’m done you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can hate me forever. You can kick me out and tell me you never want to see me again. I really don’t give a shit anymore. I just need you to listen to me this one time.”
She watches Dom shuffle over to the side of her bed, crawling in and pressing her back against the headboard for a moment before burying her face in her hands. “What is it?”
Darlene steps closer, stopping by the foot of Dom’s bed. She takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment, then reopens them as she exhales. She locks eyes with Dom, who’s staring back with sleepy confusion.
“I’ve done a lot of fucked up things in my life - like, a lot, and I should’ve been more honest with you about them. I killed Susan Jacobs and there isn’t a way to sugarcoat it. She came home one night when she wasn’t supposed to and things just spiralled out of control.” She sucks in another breath as if to prepare herself. “We kept her tied up so she wouldn’t go anywhere. What I did to her was fucked up - really fucked up, and I take full responsibility for that.”
“It was completely unprovoked and you didn’t even give her a chance to defend herself. It’s more than just fucked up, Darlene - it’s downright despicable. There’s nothing humane about any of this.” The disdain dripping from Dom’s tone is venomous and it stings like hell, but that’s to be expected. She deserves this, after all.
“I wish I could tell you why I did it. You don’t know how badly I wish I knew the fucking answer, Dom, but I don’t.” Darlene’s voice begins to waver as the tears rush to her eyes. “But you know what the worst part is?”
“How the hell can it get any worse than this?” Dom sounds weary, jaded.
“I thought I’d regret it. I thought I’d be afraid of what would happen if someone found out. I thought I’d feel bad about it.” Darlene shakes her head, laughing bitterly. “But I didn’t feel anything at all. I felt nothing, absolutely fucking nothing - and you know what? I still don’t feel anything, and that scares the shit out of me. I should be feeling something, right? Even if I was fucking rejoicing, I think I’d be okay with it, because at least I know it’s affecting me in some way, but every time I think about what I did I just feel...empty, and for some reason that’s worse than feeling anything at all.”
“You should’ve told me the night Cisco died.” She can see Dom glowering at her even though it’s pretty dark in here, and it’s ebbing away at her confidence. “You should’ve told me all of this.”
“Yeah, I should have.” Darlene agrees, though her tone is laced with sarcasm. “You could’ve thrown my ass in jail - or better yet, put me to sleep like some kind of misbehaved stray, and things could’ve ended right then and there.”
Dom shakes her head. “That’s not what I-”
“Do you ever think about how much better things could have been if we never met?” Darlene laughs again, though it’s even colder and darker than before. “Fuck, you know - when Elliot was in the hospital, he told me about this really weird dream he had where his life was pretty much perfect and everything turned out exactly the way they should’ve been. Our parents weren’t assholes, Angela never died, Whiterose wasn’t a goddamn lunatic, the Dark Army never existed.” She swallows, stepping back a bit and shaking her head. “He never had to put up with shit like E Corp or fsociety. He was happy, he had friends, he was doing really well at his job - but he said that he would never want to live like that.”
“Why not?”
Darlene chokes on a sob and swiftly raises a hand to wipe the tears away. “Because he said that I was the only person who wasn’t in it. Everyone was there - even you. You two barely knew each other then and yet you were still a part of this anesthesia fuelled utopia.” She shakes her head again and pushes a hand through her tangled hair. “He said that a world without me in it isn’t worth living in, even if it was perfect, but then it got me thinking about shit, and...what if I’m the reason why things went so wrong? I got the ball rolling with fsociety - I planted the idea into his fucking brain. Then, when shit started blowing up and it was becoming too much, I kept fucking going because I felt like this was the only thing that was keeping us together. It finally felt like he and I were close again, like we used to be, and I didn’t want that to end...so I kept feeding the fucking flames. Five/Nine happened, then the Dark Army swooped in and made things worse. Romero died, and then Cisco was fucking murdered right in front of me. Then Trenton and Mobley were killed too. They were picking us off one by one and I still kept going because…because I wanted my fucking brother to pay attention to me.” She lets out another sarcastic laugh. “I’m the reason why we drifted apart in the first place. I couldn’t deal with all the shit that was happening at home so I just bailed. I didn’t know how to talk to him about any of it. I didn’t know what to say. I was scared of what it was doing to him...so I left, and everything’s just been a gradual decline since then.”
There’s a slight rustling as Dom shifts around in bed. “So you’re just gonna use the blame it on my shitty childhood excuse? Is that what this long-winded explanation is leading to? Because that’s what it feels like, and I’m still not buying any of it.”
“No, Jesus.” Darlene groans. “I’m trying to tell you the exact fucking opposite. It’s not because of the shit that happened to me as a kid or because I missed my brother. It’s not because of fsociety, or E Corp, or what a bunch of stupid rich people did to my dad. It’s because of me, okay? It’s all because of me. I’m the common denominator here. I’m the reason why last year was so fucking terrible.” She heaves another sigh. “If Elliot’s dream world was so perfect because I wasn’t in it, what’s to say that the same wouldn’t happen in real life?”
“Look,” Dom huffs. “If you’re trying to play the sympathy card-”
“Holy shit, Dom.” Darlene throws her head back and groans out of frustration. “I told you to listen. Can you just shut the fuck up for one second? You know I’m terrible with words. I’m getting to my point, just give me a goddamn minute.”
The redhead rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “Fine. Go ahead.”
“I didn’t know I had to ask for your permission, but thanks.” Darlene grumbles. “I’m just trying to say that I’m pretty much the root of every single bad thing that’s ever happened in the past year, and every time I tried avoiding dealing with the consequences things would just get worse. I know there’s no way I can just undo everything I’ve ever done, but what I know for sure is that I have to stop avoiding things or pretending they’re not there. It obviously hasn’t done any good for me before and it sure as hell isn’t doing any good now. I have to live out the rest of my life dealing with the consequences and I’m ready for them, whatever they may be. I really don’t fucking care at this point, to be honest. I don’t give a shit what happens to me. I just…I just want to stop hurting people.” She half-turns away from the redhead as the tears drip down her cheeks. “Especially you.”
A heavy silence lapses between them. It’s thicker than the inky blackness shrouding the small apartment. Darlene can feel it enveloping her, threatening to choke the life out of her, but she wouldn’t mind if that actually happened. Hell, she could somehow die right here, right now, and she’d totally be okay with it. If Elliot’s able to thrive in an imaginary world without her, maybe the same could happen if she wiped herself off of this world too. Dom would definitely be happier.
“That night after the bar, when I took you back here and…” Dom breaks the silence, but she quickly peters off, unable to finish her sentence.
“What about it?”
“You said that it was the first time in a long time that you actually felt good, and that it was more than what it appeared to be.” Dom exhales shakily. “Did you really mean that, or were you just trying to make me feel bad so I wouldn’t kill you?”
“What?” Darlene laughs incredulously as she quickly wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. “C’mon, Dom. You have to give me more credit than that.”
“How can I? You lied about almost everything. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Fair point. “Of course I fucking meant it. I know I’ve been a total asshole about pretty much everything up to this point but believe me, Dom - if there’s anything I regret, it’s what I did to you. Hurting you was the worst thing I’ve ever fucking done-”
“No it isn’t.” Dom glares at her, and it pierces her straight in the chest.
“Okay, it’s the second worst thing I’ve ever fucking done, but I’d take it back if I could and I mean that. If I could somehow undo everything and make it so that we’ve never even met, I’d do it.” Darlene groans and runs a hand through her hair. “Just…believe that, okay? I’d erase myself out of your memory if that meant I could stop fucking hurting you. I just…I don’t know. I don’t give a shit if you hate me for the rest of your life. I just want you to believe me when I say that I meant what I told you that night, and that I mean everything I’m saying now.”
Another weighted silence wedges itself between them for a few seconds. When Dom speaks up again, her voice is so soft Darlene can barely hear her. “I don’t want that.”
“Don’t want what?”
“To not have you here.” Dom sighs. Darlene twitches at her words, but she tries not to let them bring her hopes up. “Look, what you did to Susan was wrong. You killed her. There’s no way around that.”
“I know. I straight up told you that.” She frowns. “I know there’s nothing I can do to make up for it, so spare me the lecture. Just tell me what you really want to say.”
“I don’t really know.” Dom admits. “I mean, I have an idea, but I can’t find the right words to say it. You know I’m not good with words either.”
“If you’re gonna turn me in for what I did to Susan I can’t really stop you.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.” The redhead sighs. “But by all accounts, I should. It’s the right thing to do, and I swore an oath to uphold the law.”
Darlene skeptically eyes the hesitance in Dom’s expression. “But...?”
“But I also should have turned you in when you stole all that money and gave it away. I should have turned you in when you pretty much confirmed everything about your involvement with fsociety. I also should’ve turned you in when you broke into my apartment all those months ago.” Dom runs a hand through her hair, shaking her head like she’s disappointed in herself. “There were a million opportunities to let justice figure out what to do with you, but I never did.”
She has a point there. “Why didn’t you?”
Dom throws her hands up in defeat. “I don’t really know. I’ve been trying to figure out why, but I can’t think of an answer. Maybe a part of me agrees with you. Maybe a part of me feels like you did the right thing, even though the rest of me disagrees.” She rests her elbows on her knees and cradles her head in her hands. “The stuff you did to the Deus Group was one thing, but killing someone in cold blood?” She rumples her hair. “I know you’re capable of pulling a lot of shit, Darlene, but I never thought you’d be capable of that.”
“I didn’t know I was capable of it either.” Darlene shrugs. “It fucked me up for weeks, if that counts for anything. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate on shit. Had to pop or snort something so I didn’t have to think about it...but then Cisco died, and you trapped me in that stupid safe house for a little while. I had no choice but to sit there all by myself and think about all of the fucked up things that I did, and how it led me to that point. It made me realize that killing her didn’t fucking solve anything. It didn’t bring my dad back. It didn’t fix all of the lives she wrecked. It didn’t make me feel better. I didn’t get the revenge I thought I wanted.” She shakes her head. “It just made me even more alone than I already was.”
The days she spent at the safe house were a sad, lonely blur. They bled into each other because all of them felt like the exact same day repeated several times over the course of a few weeks. The only company she really had was Dom, but back then she was too preoccupied with other things to really take her seriously. Dom was only an enemy - a pig, a goon for the federal government, someone who was just constantly in the way of her plans. Now, well…
“I asked Elliot if he knew.” Dom shrugs. “I kind of already knew the answer, but I didn’t expect him to say that you told him on the night you cremated your mom.”
“It wasn’t easy.” Darlene mutters. “And it kind of wasn’t planned either, but I was gonna tell him eventually. He needed to know everything that went down with fsociety before we jumped into the whole thing with the Deus Group.”
“He told me that he knew exactly what I was feeling.” Dom continues. “He was angry too, and a part of him wondered if things would just be better if he never spoke to you again - but he ended up not doing that, obviously. He didn’t really know why at the time, but he said that he figured it out after waking up in the hospital.”
Darlene slowly raises her head to stare at her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“He mentioned that he had a dream while he was out, just like you said, but he didn’t tell me the specifics. All he told me was that it made him realize how important you are to him, and how you’re the only reason why he’s still here. He…” Dom pauses, running her hand through her hair once more. “He said something about how you keep him from floating away, like you’re his anchor or something. I didn’t understand it, but when I asked him to elaborate he told me to ask you.”
“Why me? Darlene shakes her head. “That isn’t my story to tell. Not most of it, anyway.”
“I asked him the same thing, and he said it’s because you have a better memory than he does.”
This feels like another one of Elliot’s ploys to get them back together. “Well, if he wants me to tell you, I guess I can…if you want to hear it.”
She can hear Dom sigh again. “Of course I do, Darlene.” She reaches somewhere behind her; a lamp suddenly flickers to life, and Darlene can see her a little better. Her disheveled hair and tired eyes make her chest ache again, and she has to force herself to look away - but when she drops her eyes to the floor, she notices the piles of clothes scattered around her boots. She raises her head to stare at the desk by the wall, and she quirks an eyebrow at the papers and folders stacked so high they’re dangerously close to toppling over. She half-turns to face the small table where they usually eat together, and it’s covered with empty takeout cartons. A bottle of whiskey is sitting in the middle of the mess, but it’s too dark to tell if there’s anything inside. She can’t help but think back to the very first night she was here, when things looked eerily similar.
“Dom,” Darlene slowly turns to look at her. “What have you been doing since Thanksgiving?”
The redhead furrows her brow at the sudden change in subject. “Uh, just work, I guess. Got assigned to a new case so I’ve been kinda busy.”
“Clearly.” Darlene briefly wonders what the kitchen must look like, and she sighs. “Were you even asleep when I got here?” Her eyes jump to the shelf behind Dom’s bed; she can see her laptop sitting there, along with a couple of manila folders stuffed with paper. Next to all of that is a very tall ceramic mug, which Darlene assumes is full of coffee.
“Kind of.” Dom shrugs. “I was working on something and I was planning on going to bed soon, but then you start banging on my door.” She shakes her head. “But that’s not important right now. You didn’t come here just to ask me what I’ve been up to lately.”
She’s obviously lying about planning on going to bed, but it’s apparent she doesn’t want to talk about it, and she’s right anyway, so Darlene lets it slide. If they can get through whatever the hell this is, maybe she can bring it up later. “I’m gonna warn you now,” She moves to sit at the foot of Dom’s bed. “Some of it might be a little hard to believe at first. Actually, a lot of it is super batshit.”
“Try me.” There’s a hint of a smirk hovering over Dom’s lips, and Darlene can’t help but chuckle at that.
“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She absently fiddles with a corner of the duvet cover. “So, I’m sure you have an idea by now, but Elliot, he has some kind of disorder. He’ll have episodes where he sees people that aren’t really there, and sometimes he actually…becomes them. His entire demeanour will change - the way he talks, his body language, even his handwriting. It’s like he becomes a completely different person.”
“DID.” Dom suddenly cuts in.
“What?” Darlene whips her head around to gawk at her.
“Dissociative Identity Disorder.” The redhead casually replies. “Characterized by multiple personality states existing within a single physical being. They’re separated by partitions, or memory gaps; there’ll be incidents where he won’t remember certain instances in time or events of the day because he ‘switches’ from one state to another. The people he’s seeing and becoming - they may be imaginary to us, but to him, they’re real. They’re the puzzle pieces that make up who he is; they’re part of him, and he isn’t whole without them. They’re manifestations of those partitions that separate one part of his brain from another.”
She blinks several times, unsure how to react. “I obviously know what it is, but how the hell do you know?”
“Took a few psych courses back in college, and we had to take criminal psychology classes in Quantico.” Dom is annoyingly dismissive about all of this, like just randomly knowing about serious mental illnesses is common knowledge. “Also, I read the reports after his arrest. It had a few of his psychiatric records, but it was really high level stuff; they didn’t dive into too much detail.”
Darlene shakes her head. “Okay, whatever. That makes this a little easier, then.”
“I know the courts deemed him mentally fit to stand trial, but I still think he would’ve had a shot at the insanity plea. Why didn’t he do it? It would’ve lessened his sentence.”
“Because he wanted to take full responsibility for everything that happened.” Darlene shrugs. “I mean, it technically wasn’t him who did all of that, but he felt like he needed to hold himself accountable anyway. Trust me, I tried to convince him to take the plea, but he insisted on taking the fall. I get it, though - he just wanted to do shit on his own terms. I think it turned out for the better, anyway. He enjoys the pig pen. The routine probably helps him too.”
“The most common cause of DID is childhood trauma.” Dom frowns. “I know you guys had a rough time growing up, but…if that’s what Elliot has, it must’ve been a lot worse than the both of you let on. Did your dad’s death have anything to do with it?”
“Kind of.” Darlene is visibly uncomfortable. Talking about her and Elliot’s home life is something she still struggles with, and she kind of hates her brother right now for making her talk about it, but maybe that was also his intention. Maybe this is his way of trying to help her with her own issues. “He wasn’t the greatest. In fact, he was really fucking horrible.”
“What?” Dom furrows her brow. “But didn’t you kill Susan because of what E Corp did to him? And Five/Nine, that was executed on May 9th, his-”
“Birthday, I know. Our dad, he…” A shaky sigh passes through her lips. “He did some really, really shitty things to Elliot. It fucked him up for a very long time. He’s still working through it, if you haven’t been able to tell.”
Dom’s expression changes from slightly worried to thoroughly concerned. “Did he…abuse him?” Abuse is a pretty broad term, but it’s the way Dom says it that gives Darlene the impression that she knows what kind of abuse she’s talking about.
Darlene can’t manage any sort of verbal reply, so she only nods. Dom swallows hard and shakes her head, lifting herself off the backboard and crawling towards the foot of the bed so she can sit next to her. “He didn’t…did he ever do anything to y-”
“Never.” Darlene shakes her head. “Elliot made sure it never happened, but he paid the full fucking price for it. I didn’t even find out about it until after he got out from the hospital. That’s how far he went to protect me from him.” She half-turns away from Dom, biting her lip momentarily as she tries to recompose herself. “All this time I kept talking about how much I missed him, and how much I wished he was here - and I didn’t even fucking know how shitty he actually was. All those times Elliot heard me talk about him like that…” She shakes her head. “I don’t even know why I said those things. I don’t remember him all that much, but that’s mostly because he barely acknowledged I existed. I guess I said them because I thought Elliot missed him too, and if I related to him we could be close again - who knows.”
“You said your dad died when you were pretty young, right?”
“He died when I was four, but even before that he wasn’t really in my life much. He spent most of this free time with Elliot.” She laughs humourlessly. “I used to get so jealous. I kept wondering why our dad wanted to be with him all the time, and why he never bothered to hang out with me. Now I know why.” She sighs again. “And there’s our mom. I think she knew what our dad did, but she didn’t know how to handle it, so she took it out on the both of us. She was a raging bitch.” She takes off her jacket, stretches out an arm, rolls up her sleeve, and points to a faded, circular scar on the inner side of her forearm, close to her elbow. “This was her favourite spot on me. For Elliot, it was a bit higher.” She taps her bicep. “Menthols. Sometimes I can still smell them.”
Her breath catches in her throat when Dom gingerly runs a finger over the scar. Her touch is so delicate, so tentative, but it pulses through her body like a power surge. “I’ve always wondered where this came from.” The redhead frowns. “I thought it looked like a cigarette burn, but I didn’t want to believe that it was.”
Dom admitting that she always knew about the scar makes everything hurt a lot more than it already does. She really can’t ever hide anything from her. “That’s my mother dearest for you, but that’s just one of the many fucked up things she did. She clearly hated the both of us but she seemed to especially enjoy hating me for some reason. She tried to force me to drown my cat once.” When she eyes Dom’s dumbstruck expression, she can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, it was fucked up. I ran away for a few days and gave the cat away, so I won in the end, but when I got home afterward…man, that was fun. She almost dislocated my arm that night. Elliot had to lock me in his room so she’d stop hitting me. I slept there for the rest of the week because I was too afraid to sleep in my own room.”
Her lighthearted tone makes it sound like she’s telling a great joke. It’s probably why Dom looks so distressed right now. “Why didn’t anyone call the police or Child Protective Services?”
“My parents were good at bullshitting.” Darlene shrugs. “On the outside we looked like the perfect family: We went on road trips, we had movie and board game nights, we celebrated Thanksgiving - it’s only when you actually bother to dig past the surface that you realize how fucked up everything really was, and no one ever really did that because they didn’t think they needed to. We’d go to Coney Island, take the family photo so they have proof that we’re completely normal, and then everything will instantly fall apart again.” She absentmindedly twists a tendril of hair around her finger. “If you stuck my parents in the same room, I can guarantee they won’t be able to go five minutes without arguing over something stupid. Makes me wonder how they even got together in the first place. I can’t imagine them ever loving each other at any point in their fucked up relationship.”
“Darlene…” Dom looks horrified, and Darlene feels bad for wanting to laugh. She doesn’t even know why she finds Dom’s reaction so funny. Maybe she’s just so desensitized to her nightmare of a childhood that she completely forgot that there are other people out there who were brought up by caring, doting parents. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not asking for sympathy, and I’m definitely not dumping this on you because it’ll get you to hate me less for what I did to Susan.” She retorts. “I’m just…letting you know, because I want you to know.” Her expression softens as she wraps her arms around herself, like she’s bracing for impact. “I don’t want to keep any secrets from you anymore. You deserve to know the truth about me, warts and all.”
Dom sits in silence for what feels like hours. Darlene knows she’s probably just taking the time to process everything, but she can feel her anxiety spiking and she closes her eyes in an attempt to pull herself together. Regardless of what Dom thinks about her in the end, she can handle it on her own. She doesn’t need Dom - sure, it would be nice to have her around, but she isn’t necessary. She’s going to be fine, no matter what the outcome.
“You know,” Dom keeps her eyes trained on her lap. “I used to think there was always going to be a part of me that will hate you for all of the terrible things you’ve done - not just to me, but to other people too. This part of me wasn’t ever going to agree with you. It would’ve never forgiven you. It would always see you as a criminal, a terrible person who can only do wrong. It would’ve never wished anything good for you. That part of me would’ve hoped to see you live out the rest of your days with nothing but misery and regret.”
Darlene can feel her heart plummeting to her stomach. “This isn’t very encouraging.”
“But the more I think about it,” Dom continues, slowly reaching towards her and enclosing her hand around her wrist, pulling her arms away from herself. Her hand skims up towards her elbow, and when her thumb grazes her scar Darlene quickly inhales out of shock. “I’m starting to realize that I don’t really feel that way anymore - at least not as much as before. It’s still there, but I think that part of me is getting smaller. Maybe it won’t go away completely any time soon, but I think it’s very possible that it’ll happen someday.”
Darlene drops her head so she can stare at Dom’s hand, which is still touching her scar. “Why?”
“I’m not going to pretend that what you did was right. You had your reasons but none of them justify murder.” Dom’s expression changes, but Darlene quite put her finger on what it changed to. It kind of looks disappointed, it kind of looks pensive, it kind of looks confused. “But…you weren’t wrong when you said that I’m not innocent either. I have blood on my hands too. At first I tried spinning it so that it worked in my favour - Janice and the Dark Army are obviously the bad guys, so killing them was the right thing to do. But then I thought about what Susan did to your family, to Angela’s family, to countless other families, and I can’t deny that she did her fair share of bad things too. E Corp ruins millions of peoples’ lives on a daily basis and people like Susan help them get away with it. I killed Janice for the same reason you killed Susan: For doing her job.”
“Janice was trying to kill you.” Darlene shakes her head. “She threatened to kill your family and she shanked you in the fucking chest with a smile on her goddamn face. I think she deserved a bullet to the brain.”
“I don’t have the authority to decide who gets to live and who doesn’t.” Dom frowns. “Having a badge and a gun doesn’t mean I have the final word on something like that. If the tables were turned and you were the agent, would I still have vilified you for killing Susan, or would I have found some way to make it look like there was justifiable grounds for you to do so?”
“Well, I kind of did it unprovoked. Sure, Susan did a bunch of terrible things, but she technically wasn’t doing anything to me in that moment. I just…did it. You killed Janice because she tried to kill you first. You did it out of self-defence, I did it because I’m a piece of shit. There’s a difference.”
“I don’t know.” Dom pushes a hand through her hair, closing her eyes momentarily. “I can try to justify it all I want, but at the end of the day I still killed someone. I killed three people that night. I intended to take their lives away. That still makes me a murderer.”
Guilt starts to seep in. “Dom, you know you’re not a bad person, right? You did what you had to do.”
“I guess.” Dom shrugs. “Maybe I put too much faith into our system. I guess it’s just easier to believe that the people we’ve entrusted power to are doing the right things because that’s what they’re supposed to do. We give them authority over us because we expect them to do what they swore to do: To protect us, to keep things in order, to ensure everyone gets equal opportunities...but I’m only kidding myself, aren’t I? Since when has anyone in a position of power ever been fair or honest?”
“Look, I didn’t mean to throw you into an existential crisis or anything. If there ever was a person in a position of power who tried their best to be fair and honest, you were the closest one. At least in my experience.”
“Thanks for the ego boost.” Dom throws her a small, grim smile. “I’ll be honest with you: This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this. Sometimes I walk into work and I wonder why I’m here in the first place. Santiago isn’t the first person I’ve worked with who did shady things behind the bureau’s back. Corruption and dishonesty are apparently part of the job description. I don’t even know if honesty exists anymore. Everybody has a secret to keep.”
It isn’t like Dom to question her beliefs like this. She’s so steadfast in her views of right and wrong that Darlene figured she would just live out the rest of her career with the feds. In all honesty she should be happy that she’s finally pulling her head out of the sand and seeing things for what they really are, but for some reason the only thing she’s capable of feeling right now is guilt. The only reason why Dom is doubting her position with the FBI is because of her, because she killed some E Corp big wig and compared it to the time Dom killed three members of the Dark Army so they wouldn’t kill her first.
“Anyways,” Dom shrugs it off and briefly squeezes her arm. “My point is that I don’t think good guys or bad guys actually exist. That would make things way too easy. Humanity, as a whole, is just a mixed bag. We’re all a little bit of good and fucked up at the same time, and I think that’s what makes my job so hard. Sometimes you can’t really tell who deserves to be punished and who doesn’t, and no matter what decision you end up making, someone always suffers for it. Hell, it just makes life harder in general. You don’t know who you can really trust. You’re pretty much taking a gamble with every single person you meet. You’ll never know what they’re capable of doing to you until it actually happens. They can hurt you, they can betray you, they can lie to you…but at the same time, they might also be the one person you really need. They might be able to make you laugh even when everything else in your life is kinda shitty. They might make you appreciate the little things more.” She finally raises her head to look at her, a small smile teasing the corners of her mouth. “I know you don’t have the cleanest record out there, Darlene. Like I said, there’s that part of me that’s still hurting from all the things you did…but there’s this other part of me - a much bigger, louder part - that loves you so goddamn much that it kind of pisses me off sometimes.”
Well, Darlene wasn’t expecting to hear that. “What?” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
Dom eyes the disbelief on Darlene’s face and laughs. “I know, I find it hard to believe too.” The hand on her arm moves back downward and she weaves their fingers together. Darlene’s pulse feels like it’s staggering, violently stumbling against the rungs of her ribcage. “I know you’re not perfect. I think at this point it’s safe to say that I’m not expecting you to ever be perfect, but you’ve been working so hard lately at making things right. I see you trying every single day. I know you regret the things you’ve done, and I know you think you deserve to live with that for the rest of your life, but you don’t have to live with it alone.”
Darlene swallows when Dom squeezes her hand, feebly trying to force the lump in her throat to go away. “I do deserve to go through it alone. All I’ve ever done was hurt the people I care about.”
“That self-loathing bit isn’t gonna help anyone in the long run.” Dom shakes her head. “I get it, though, I really do - and I know you’re capable of handling it by yourself, but I want to be there for you, Darlene. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you sooner. I needed time to sort things out.”
“It’s fine.” She sighs. “I wasn’t expecting you to just be okay with everything right away, if at all.”
“I don’t think I was ever going to leave.” Dom admits. “I guess in the moment I made it look like it was, and maybe I thought I was going to in the beginning, but when I thought about it some more…it just didn’t feel like it was possible. I couldn’t see myself doing it. Honestly, I don’t think I ever wanted it.”
“You’re making it sound like I’m holding you hostage.” Darlene mutters. “You should be able to leave if you feel like you need to.”
“I know that,” Dom shakes her head. “But that’s the thing - I never felt like I needed to. I’ve come pretty close a few times-”
“More like a million times.”
“Sure, a million, but I told you before that I don’t want to be anywhere without you.” Dom smiles, and when Darlene looks away she lets go of her hand so she can place both of hers on her cheeks, turning her head so that she has no choice but to look at her. “I meant that. I still do.”
Darlene sniffles, biting her lip as Dom gingerly wipes her tears away. “How many times do I have to fuck up before you realize you’re making a huge mistake?”
The redhead chuckles as she pulls Darlene closer. “Do you have any other terrible, morally questionable secrets I should know about?”
“No.” Darlene furrows her brow. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get any worse than spontaneously murdering someone in their own home.”
“Don’t get me wrong - I’m still mad at you for that, and I probably will be for awhile,” Dom tucks a strand of brown hair behind Darlene’s ear. “And a part of me still thinks I’m insane for wanting to stick around - but Jesus, Darlene, after all the shit we’ve been through, and after all the shit we put each other through, I see no reason to leave now. Your brother’s right - a world without you isn’t a world worth living in. I want to be here, with you.”
Darlene cracks a small smile. “So, are you saying that I could kill someone else and you’ll still be here? ‘Cause I have a list-”
Dom instantly pulls away. “Don’t ruin the moment.”
“Okay, okay.” Darlene laughs, reaching out to her. “I’m sorry. I won’t become a serial killer, I promise.”
“That isn’t funny.” The redhead crosses her arms.
“C’mon, I said I was sorry.” She whines, grabbing Dom’s forearms and tugging until she relents and leans back in, pressing their foreheads together.
Dom rolls her eyes, chuckling softly as the tips of their noses bump against each other. “Come here, asshole.” And she finally kisses her.
They’ve kissed under false pretences, they’ve kissed just to shut each other up, they’ve kissed to ensure that everything’s going to be okay, they’ve kissed just because they wanted to - but they’ve never kissed like this. There’s desperation, there’s longing, there’s a hunger that can only come from deprivation. It’s different from the time they spent apart after the incident with Irving and Santiago, and it’s different than the three months they spent apart when Dom was in Europe. They’ve only been separated for three weeks, but this kiss makes Darlene feel like they haven’t seen each other in aeons.
She raises her hands to frame Dom’s face, smiling against her lips when she feels the redhead snake her arms around her waist to pull her closer. She thinks about how implausible this all seems - is she really here with her right now, in her apartment, kissing her like it’s just any regular weekend? A part of her wants to believe that this is just some kind of alcohol infused hallucination, and in a few seconds she’ll wake up alone with her heart still aching from not being around her. Should she ask if this is real? Will Dom just laugh it off and call her crazy? It’s better to be safe than sorry, but if this actually is real, she doesn’t want to spoil the moment. She’s done that so many times already; she wants to prove that she can actually not fuck things up for once.
When they finally break apart, Dom furrows her brow and narrows her eyes. “You’ve been drinking.”
Darlene groans. “So?”
“So you are drunk.”
“No.” Darlene pauses. “Well, not anymore. I had a few drinks, but trust me - I’m stone cold sober now. See, I was at this party, and then this guy started talking to me-”
Dom’s expression immediately hardens. “Wait, what guy? And what party?”
“Some fsociety thing that I kinda just walked into.” Darlene replies dismissively. “His name is Dom.”
The redhead blinks rapidly in disbelief. “Seriously?”
“Actually, it could’ve been Tom. Shit, for all I know, it also could’ve been John, or maybe even Ron. I couldn’t hear him properly.” She shrugs. “Anyways, he convinced me to come talk to you.”
Dom quirks an eyebrow at her. “Some stranger you met at a party who may or may not share a name with me told you to talk to me?”
There’s another short pause. “Well, at first he was supposed to just be a thing that would help me get over you so I could move on with my life.”
“And you didn’t go through with it?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“Why?”
“Because I realized that if I did it, I’d only be proving myself right when I say I’m destined to be the same terrible person forever. I don’t want to be right; I want to be the person you keep saying I am - the one who’s trying to be better. Plus, it wouldn’t have been fair to him. He was actually a good person, and I would’ve hurt him if I used him like that.” Darlene shrugs, clearing her throat as her eyes divert from Dom’s stare. “Also…I didn’t want him. I never did. I wanted you - I only want you.”
Dom snorts, which immediately provokes Darlene to glare at her. “You move on pretty quickly, don’t you?”
“I just said I wanted you, not him.” Darlene throws up her hands. “Plus, he ended up talking my ear off about how goody-goody he was, and he sounded so much like you that it was freaking me out and it just kinda snapped me out of being drunk.”
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that,” Dom rolls her eyes. “But at least he was able to talk some sense into you.”
“Shit’s just been really weird without you, okay?” Darlene groans again, throwing her arms around Dom’s middle and finally leaning into her, pressing her nose against her collarbone and closing her eyes as she breathes in deep. “This is why you need to be here.”
“Yeah, I can see that now.” She can feel Dom hugging her back, pulling her close against her, and when she feels the weight of her head on top of hers she lets out a shaky, watery sigh. This feels right, like it’s something she was always meant to do. It feels like home, and she doesn’t feel that way very often. In fact, she doesn’t think she’s ever felt like that before, not until Dom came back from her sabbatical in Europe.
“I missed you.” Darlene mumbles against her shirt, her voice quivering as her eyes glaze over with tears. “So fucking much.”
She can hear Dom chuckling. “It’s only been three weeks. We’ve been apart for much longer before.”
“Don’t remind me.” Darlene sniffles as she tightens her hold on her. “I know the whole Budapest thing was last minute, and I’m glad you ended up getting a vacation after all, but those three months without you were…so fucking hard. I just...I need you around, Dom. We don’t have to see each other everyday, but I just need to know you’re here.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.” There’s a brief pause. “And we could’ve stayed in touch while I was away. It’s just that neither of us wanted to initiate the conversation.”
She closes her eyes a second time as more tears start to fall. “I wanted to reach out. You know I did. I guess I figured it was more important to give you space to figure shit out. Maybe I realized somewhere down the line that I needed the space too. Doesn’t mean I liked it, though.”
“I know.” Dom gives her a grateful squeeze. “These past few weeks weren't easy for me either. I missed you too - I missed you a lot, actually. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you almost every day.” She pulls back for a moment, raising a hand to wipe her tears away. “But we’re together now, and that’s all that matters, right?” When Darlene gives her a small nod, she leans in to kiss her on the forehead (Another thing Darlene will never admit out loud: She lives for Dom’s forehead kisses and she goes out of her way to get as many of them as she possibly can). “Can we please go to bed? I think the both of us can use a good night’s rest right now.”
“I’d like that.” She rises to her feet so she can throw her jacket over one of the chairs by the small table close to the kitchen, and then she heads into Dom’s closet so she can change into that familiar blue and white button-up. When she finally settles beneath the sheets, the first thing she does is wrap her arms around Dom and cuddle as close as she possibly can. She closes her eyes and breathes her in again, sighing at the familiarity of it all as she feels one of Dom’s arms curving over her side. She can feel the heaviness of fatigue weighing down on her, but there’s just one more thing she needs to get off her chest.
“Why did you come back?” She whispers.
She feels Dom shift against her. “What?”
“The airport. You said that I needed to grow up - that we both needed to grow up. Then you left…and you came back. Why?”
There’s a pause. Darlene wishes the lights were still on because she desperately wants to see Dom’s face right now and how she’s reacting to all of this. After a few more seconds of silence, she feels Dom’s arm tightening around her waist, pulling her closer. The redhead’s voice is only a decibel higher than her own.
“Because I realized I wanted to grow up with you.”
A fresh round of tears rushes to her eyes, and she sniffles before quickly raising a hand to wipe them away. “Shit, Dom.” She tries to laugh, but ends up hiccuping instead. “I begged you to come with me. We could’ve gone anywhere you fucking wanted. I didn’t care where we ended up. I just wanted to be with you.”
“I know.” Dom squeezes her waist. “Why did you end up staying?”
Darlene shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut in a feeble attempt to stop the tears from flowing. “I wanted to see if you’d come back.”
“Well, I did, but you weren’t there.”
“I was.” She huffs. “I just wasn’t on the plane.”
“You could’ve told me that.” She could hear the smugness in Dom’s tone, and she rolls her eyes even though she’s still crying.
“You could’ve told me that.” Darlene sniffles again, and when she feels the warmth of Dom’s hands against her face, tenderly wiping her tears away, she starts crying again. “Our timing is fucking terrible.”
“So’s our communication,” Dom agrees as she continues to brush away her tears. “But it needed to happen. Things wouldn’t be the way they are now if we didn’t miss each other that day.” She can feel Dom shift against her again, and when she feels her lips against her forehead, she almost feels like crying some more. “I like this. I like what we turned out to be. If we had to be apart for a little while in order for this to happen, then I don’t regret boarding that plane without you. I’d do it again if I had to.”
“Please don’t.” Darlene mutters. “I’ve had enough forced separation for one lifetime, thanks.”
Dom laughs before pressing another kiss to Darlene’s forehead. She can feel Dom’s heartbeat thumping steadily against her cheek, and it’s almost enough to lull her to sleep, but then she realizes she actually has one other thing she needs to get off her chest.
“I love you.” Darlene speaks up again after a few seconds of silence. “You know that, right?”
“Wow.” Dom sounds genuinely surprised. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say it first before.”
“Who’s ruining the moment now?” Darlene grumbles, and she shakes her head when Dom laughs.
“I love you too.” Dom murmurs into her dark hair. “Now get some sleep. We can ruin as many moments as we want when we wake up later, and there are plenty of moments we can ruin after that.”
The possibility of having an infinite amount of ruinable moments with Dom makes Darlene stupidly excited, but she’s too tired to verbally express it right now, so instead she angles her head up a little so she can graze the end of her nose against Dom’s jawline. As always, Dom reads her loud and clear, glancing downward so she can kiss her; after pulling apart, Darlene sighs before burying her face into the curve of the redhead’s neck, relieved that the worst has finally come to pass.
It doesn’t take long for the both of them to fall asleep. They barely separate through the rest of the night, firmly wound together in each other’s arms.
“Wait,” Darlene briefly brushes shoulders with Dom as the redhead holds the door for her later that day, allowing her to step inside her building first. “You knew I was awake?”
“Yup.” Dom looks pretty pleased with herself, throwing Darlene a cocky grin as she follows her up the stairs. “I know what you look and sound like when you’re really asleep. It was easy to tell you were faking it right away.”
“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” Darlene briefly pauses so she can glare at Dom over her shoulder. “We could’ve avoided so many problems if you just-”
“I could ask you the same question.” The redhead shrugs. “And I told you - I needed time to sort things out. I was still pretty pissed off at you, and I think the time apart was good for the both of us anyway, even if we hated it.”
Darlene rolls her eyes and resumes the climb to her and Elliot’s floor. “Whatever.”
“You were being a jerk on the ride home.” Dom pipes up from behind. “I figured you needed time to cool off too.”
“Alright, fine.” Darlene grumbles as she passes the third floor landing. “You’re right, I’m wrong. Happy?”
“Very.” She can hear the grin in Dom’s voice, and she rolls her eyes again. A few minutes later, they’re standing in front of Elliot’s door. Just as Darlene's about to knock, Dom quickly leans towards her to sneak in a quick kiss. When she stares back, expression flustered and cheeks tinged pink, the redhead laughs, and she glares at her. “What’s with the sudden PDA?”
“Wow, okay then.” Dom scoffs, though it’s clear she’s trying very hard not to smile. “The one time I try to be romantic, you brush me off.”
“Gross.” Darlene shakes her head and laughs before grabbing Dom by the collar and pulling her in for another kiss.
And that’s Post-Makeup Ruinable Moment Number One.