Chapter Text
RJ bends down to pick up the fork. It looks old and is bent into a circle.
They don’t really know what to do. Park just suddenly left and they're just standing there, staring at a fork and-
The door opens. RJ looks up to see Violet looking back at them.
“Oh, you found Forkey! Go tell Krejh and they’ll give you a gold star.”
“What?”
“I’ll explain later. Do you want some tea?” Violet walks over to the sink and starts filling the kettle with water. “I found a small stash of tea bags in here the other day. Do you want chamomile or hibiscus?”
RJ stands there, confused and a little intimidated. Violet puts the kettle on the stove and pulls out two mugs and a small tin filled with tea bags.
“RJ?”
“Um,” they say, still slightly confused by Violet’s offer of tea. They aren’t very used to kind gestures like that. (tea is a precious commodity in space)
“I’ll just give you chamomile, it nice and calming.” Violet busies herself with the tea. RJ takes a moment to try and collect their thoughts.
Violet is here, being nice to RJ, offering them tea, but why? RJ’s spent so much time spying on her, why would she turn around and be nice to them? Why is anyone on this ship being nice to them? RJ shot Krejh! But Krejh and Jeeter haven’t said anything about it. Arkady’s been nice to them, though they haven’t interacted with her much, lately, she only has eyes for violet. Sana was nice to them, but Sana’s just like that. Park was only nice to them because they used to work together.
“RJ?” Violet sets a mug of tea down in front of RJ, breaking them out of their thoughts. “Are you okay?” she sits down across from RJ at the kitchen table.
“I’m fine.” RJ doesn’t look at Violet, hoping she won’t see their face and realize they really aren’t fine.
“Lenny said you weren’t doing very well.”
“Park told you?” RJ didn’t really know how they felt about that.
“Yeah. He said you seemed like you needed someone to talk too and that he thought I’d be able to help. Not really sure why he picked me though.” Violet takes a sip of her tea. RJ studies her, the person who finally convinced them to leave the IGR. They can’t quite figure out if they’re grateful for that.
Violet looks up at them.
“I know this must be hard for you, leaving everything you know behind, but we’re all here for you, and I’m here if you want to talk.”
“How can you all be here for me?” RJ says quietly. “I shot Krejh, I spied on you guys, I’m part of- I was part of the IGR, I-.” RJ takes a deep breath. “I shot Krejh, there’s no way they’re okay with that, Jeeter can’t be either, Arkady has barely said a word to me-”
“Arkady’s just really bad a feeling. You should know that. You had to listen to her be oblivious to everything going on between us for weeks. Trust me RJ, she may be bad at feelings, but she’s trying to wrap her head around being okay with you guys. She has a pretty bad history with the regime, but she’s trying and I know she’ll come around eventually.” Violet takes another sip of her tea. “ I mean, she managed to wrap her head around me reciprocating her feelings, so this should be no problem,” she adds with a smile.
“But how can Krejh be okay with me? How can Jeeter be okay with me?” RJ’s voice is louder now, and a much faster. “How can you be okay with me?”
“RJ, I was with the IRG too. I’ve been where you are right now-”
“But you didn’t have a choice.”
“I could’ve left as soon as the Rumor touched down on Elion. You could’ve stayed with the IGR and hope they wouldn’t kill you. But you didn’t. You came with us and left everything you knew behind. That takes strength.”
“I want to be okay with this. I want to be okay with leaving the IGR, but I’m not. I feel like I’ve failed. I spent my entire life climbing up the ranks of the IGR, putting myself in danger again and again for them. And now I’ve just left that all behind. And I know the IRG is bad. They tried to kill you, they took Park’s eye and they want to start another war, but I still spent so much of my life there. Now I have to completely start over.
“RJ, take a deep breath and drink some tea.” RJ does as she says. “Now listen to me. I know what it’s like to leave the regime, it’s hard, seeing the truth about the government you’ve lived under your whole life. You have to rethink so many things, so many parts of your self. And you have it harder than I did. You worked for them and trusted them, all the while ignoring the signs that they weren’t what you thought they where just so you could stay alive. I know that has got to be hard. But I promise you, once you get used to it, a life free of the regime is so much better.
I know you’re also trying to deal with the guilt you feel over shooting Kreijh, and I assure you that guilt will ease in time. But you let Park and Krejh go, and that was so, so brave of you. You left behind everything you knew and came with us, and even though that was really your only choice, that took strength, I know it did. But you don’t have to be strong now. You don’t have to pretend this is easy anymore. You don’t have to hide your feelings inside you anymore, repressing them so no one thinks you’re weak, because you’re not weak, RJ. You’re strong. And sometimes the thing that takes the most strength is to ask for help and letting your emotions show.”
RJ doesn’t know what to say. Violet managed to describe a lot of what they were feeling, about Kreijh and about living under the regime. They can call it that now, the regime. That’s what it is. The regime that took Park’s eye for no reason. The regime that blew up the crew of The Starship Iris because one of them dared to go against the regime. The regime that RJ pledged their life to defend...and then left.
Really? Just as I was starting to make a little bit of peace with this whole situation! RJ thinks.
“Violet?” They say, their voice small. “When will I not be scared of my brain anymore?”
“I don’t know, and I can’t promise you ever really will, I know I’m not. My anxiety can make my brain a scary place to be at times, but I decided not to let the IGR add on to that. And it’s taken some work, but I’m slowly learning to trust myself again.”
RJ looks down at the now cold tea they’ve barely touched.
“I want to be okay with this. I want to be okay with leaving the IGR, but I’m not. I feel like I’ve failed. I spent my entire life climbing up the ranks of the IGR, putting myself in danger again and again for them. And now I’ve just left that all behind. And I know the IRG is bad. They tried to kill you and they want to start another war, but I still spent so much of my life there. Now I have to completely start over.”
“No, you don’t. You may not longer work for the IGR, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use the skills you developed there. RJ, you’re a really good sharpshooter, like really good. I think Arkady’s secretly jealous. You’re not starting over, you’re just changing course.”
“I guess.” RJ didn’t seem convinced.
“Hey, you don’t need to be okay with any of this right away. Take your time working through it.”
“Okay.” RJ looked somewhat calmer now.
“Do you want to keep talking or do you want a distraction or do you want me to go away?”
“A distraction I guess.”
“Okay, how about we get the rest of the crew together for game night?”
“Okay.”
Playing games with a group of friends was something RJ hadn’t done in a long time, since their early days with the regime. They were suddenly overwhelmed by the amount of truly kind people they were living with. People who truly seemed to care about them. People who took the time to try and help them process their feelings. Surrounded by wonderful people, Rj was starting to feel a little more optimistic about the future.