Chapter Text
Age 10 ( Year 4)
Despite having been in Highgarden for a few summers now there were very few occasions where Jon traveled with Lord Tyrell to visit the houses of those he was the liege lord of, usually it was Willas who traveled with his father on things like this but ever since his fall in Kings Landing traveling long distances didn’t agree with Willas much. And with Garlan currently away squiring and Loras having very little interest in visiting someone who Loras described as someone so bland the only interesting thing about them was how well they could plan a war which left Mace with only Jon as an option.
After meeting with Lord Tarly, Jon wished he could have declined Loras’s offer just as Loras had, Lord Tarly was as cruel as he was big. Out of the four days Jon had been there he had seen Lord Tarly punish his eldest son Samwell on every one of them. Now even Jon could admit that Sam was the most docile highborn boy his age he’d ever met even little Sansa had more courage but Jon still considered him good company. Jon knew it would only be a matter of time before Lord Tarly realized he couldn’t beat whatever Sam was lacking into him and Jon prayed the old gods watched over him when that day came. Jon figured Sam would either live to be a great lord of the Reach one day or never live to be at the rate Lord Tarly was going. The trip to the Reach was over all uneventful but on the way back to Highgarden Jon couldn’t help wonder if Sam’s life might have been easier had he been born a bastard. Lord Tarly would probably kill his son one day and not lose a wink of sleep about it and Jon couldn’t help but allow dread to fill his stomach thinking about how powerful the desire for power must be to if not even the love for a child could over power it.
The longer Jon stayed in the south the more he realized that perhaps the south wasn’t as bad as it was portrayed to be in the north sure people almost always had secret motives here and used pretty words to hide ugly things. But the truth of the matter was all men want power but what they plan to do with that power separates the good from the evil. When Jon first came to the south he’d sooner fall on his sword than agree to the notion that any northern lords were desiring more power than given, but he wasn’t a little boy anymore he had seen his tenth name day already and south of the neck your childhood ended much sooner simply for survival sake. Men were greedy creatures and you could either placate that greed or you could pretend it wasn’t there and one of those things would get you killed. Jon never thought he’d become such a shrewd cynical person but he had seen the world differently after spending three summers in the south and Jon would be a fool to pretend that there were not people in the north who had ambitions just like the southerners but Jon had no doubt his lord father most certainly wasn’t placating them.
The more Jon realized about the south the more he worried for his family back north when he first came south he had been so naive in his eyes the north was full of loyal hardworking people and the south was a land of devious snakes which was true in regards to kings landing but the rest of the south was just full of people who wanted things like most humans and weren’t afraid to admit their ambitions. While in the south Jon had realized it was human nature to want for things at a certain time in his life there was nothing Jon wanted more than to become Lord of Winterfell and a part of Jon resented southerners for being so open with their wants and ambitions without shame. Lady Olenna once told him a man who claims to want nothing is either a king or a liar when she first told him that he just rolled his eyes with judgment and huffed dismissing her. But now Jon couldn’t help but wonder what was more dangerous the snake in front of you or the one hidden in the grass
Age 11 ( Year 5)
After the novelty of Lord Stark sending his bastard south wore off during his first summer in Highgarden very few people thought his presence was worth seeking out because not many people paid attention to the bastard son of an isolated warden. Despite Winterfell’s soap becoming a staple in most kingdoms throughout the years, the north was still considered a barren wasteland of little consequence. Simply because it was easier for them to pretend that was true just like it was easier for the people of the north to pretend lies and power hungry people didn't exist north of the neck. Despite the North slowly gathering its own wealth in the past ten years and having the most highly imported goods in the seven kingdoms and far beyond it, even after all these years the north's new goods were unable to be replicated anywhere south of the neck. But unlike Highgarden and Casterly Rock the north did nothing to flaunt its wealth other than refortify its kingdom and the north’s lack of political ties to the south made it seem a place of little importance to the south.
In kings landing Jon once heard a courtier say it didn't matter how much money the northern savages came into if they didn’t know what to do with it. Jon couldn’t wait for the day Robb and Marge’s betrothal was announced he imagined it would send shock waves through the seven kingdoms because it would go without saying that Sansa would one day be queen seeing as Margery would be out of the picture for marriage Sansa would be the only one of high enough birth to marry Joffrey even if he was a little shit. Jon had never heard his father or aunt Cat speak of marriage between the Starks and the Baratheons but Jon figured that once Sansa and Joffrey came of age an arrangement between them would be announced and Sansa was born to be a queen Jon has known it since the day she was born.
Jon wasn’t quite sure what exactly his father had planned for him entirely; he knew his father planned to give him a keep of his own one day and perhaps set up a marriage between him and a secord born daughter of one of his bannermen. Jon never told anyone this because despite everything he had been given he still hoped one day his father would legitimize there wasn’t anything that would make Jon happier than being a Stark in blood and in name. But Jon didn’t like to think much on his future when so much of it was a question mark but Jon knew his time in the south was coming to an end soon and once that happened he’d no longer be able to run from his future.
Age 12 ( Year 6 )
Sometimes when Jon would go outside and feel the sun beat down on his skin it was almost to remember what the winds of the north felt like. Jon on those days the fact that Jon has lived in the south almost as long as he lived in the north weighed heavy on his mind. Sometimes on the really bad days Jon is almost convinced his father sent him here to melt all of the Stark out of him just to get rid of him on those days he spends most of it sulking in his room or in the training yard until Lady Olenna comes in and reprimands him telling him to get it together and that when his father deemed it time for him to come home it would happen. Logically Jon knew that if his father wanted to get rid of him Highgarden would be the last place he would send him but sometimes logic didn't matter. The only thing mattered was how sometimes it was hard for him to remember the ins and outs of winterfell's castle like he did as boy and knowledge that he not sure what Robb looks like anymore because Jon doesn’t look the same so Robb obviously doesn’t either and baby Arya isn’t a baby anymore she’s almost the same age he was when he left winterfell. Most days Jon is happy and honored to be in Highgarden but sometimes Jon can’t help but wish he had gotten to stay in Winterfell.
Age 13 ( Year 7 )
The day Jon realized he would not only be traveling to Winterfell but staying there a mix of happiness and fear filled his stomach. Sure he and Robb exchanged letters quite frequently but Jon feared things wouldn’t be the same between them after all this time apart they’d always be brothers but what if they weren’t best friends anymore. Jon had a sneaking suspicion that stupid squid Theon might have tried to replace him while he was away. Jon was afraid his family would take one look at his southern clothes and tanned skin and call him a fake stark. Jon had spent seven years waiting for this day to come, now all he wanted to was go back to not knowing.
But what he wanted didn’t matter because Robb’s thirteenth name day would be arriving in six moons and there was to be a big feast and tourney held in his honor at Winterfell and all the noble houses including the royal family were invited which was so unlike his father. But Jon figured it had something to do with the fact that Robb and Marge’s betrothal would officially be announced there too and it was unlikely the Tyrells would settle for anything less than a grand affair. It took him and father a whole moons turn to get to Highgarden with only a small amount of man with the entire Tyrell party traveling north Jon knew it would take more than twice as long and Jon had no desire to spend moons on the road filled with fear. So Jon pushed all his worries down and just focused on the good things because he was finally going home where he belonged.
After finally pushing his worries aside Jon couldn’t help but smile for days he had been in the south for almost seven summers now and he’d finally get to see his family again. While he was away his aunt Catelyn had given birth to another boy who she’d named Brandon and Jon was very excited to meet him.
The weeks leading up to their departure all he could do was talk about the north and all the things they could do there. At first, Loras wasn’t very happy about going north and every time Jon would mention it he would just glare and make a snide remark then storm off which made Jon very peeved because Marge and Loras were his closest friends. If Loras didn’t stop Jon planned on confronting him and maybe fighting him if it came to it for acting like such a brick head. But before Jon finally had enough of his antics Garlen pulled him aside one day after a sparring lesson where Jon was pretty vocal about his frustrations.
“ Don’t take it so personally Snowflake Loras is only upset about losing his prettiest companions to the north” Garlen told him with a playful smirk on his face.
Jon couldn’t stop the glare that appeared on his face there was nothing he hated more than people calling him pretty Jon knew that letting his grow out didn’t really help dissuade people from calling him pretty but still puppies and girls were pretty not boys on their way to becoming men, so he just gave Garlen a shove and started to walk away.
But Garlen reaches out to grab him again “ You, him and Marge all lived in your own little world together with my grandmother orbiting in the background you’ve molded into our family deeper than most wards ever do and I think at some point Loras forgot this isn’t your home and that one day it won’t Marge’s anymore either.”
Jon couldn’t say anything as he took in Garlen’s words because it was true despite how much he loved Winterfell down to his very bones sometimes it was easy to forget that one day his father would summon him home and his days in the south would become a distant memory.
Garlen took Jon’s silence as invitation to continue talking “ And under all that fear there is a bit of jealousy too”
Now that statement caused Jon to look up at him incredulously despite all the privileges Jon was afforded he was still a bastard and Margery was well a girl it wouldn’t make sense for Loras to be jealous but before Jon could explain that to Garlen he cut him off.
“ Marge is the only daughter from one of the richest houses in the Seven Kingdoms her hand in marriage has been sought out since her first day in this world there’s always been a place for her to go, and you Jon you’re a bastard treated like a trueborn second son there is very little doubt that your father has plans for you if he didn’t you wouldn’t be here. But Loras is a third born who has been awarded more freedom than he knows what to do with. Marge was born for alliances, Willas and I for strength and continuing our family but Loras is just the spare of the spare. Loras has more freedom than the rest of us that much is true but he’s no Oberyn Martell and freedom isn’t worth much if you don’t know what to do with it.”
It took Jon a moment to digest the words Garlen had said to him because despite how great his life was spending his entire life around highborn Jon always decided that no matter what compared to a highborn his life would always technically be worse.
With Garlen’s words weighing heavy on his mind he spent the rest of the day his room feigning illness when he was summoned for dinner it wasn’t until later that night when the castle was asleep that Jon decided to go talk to Loras.
It wasn’t hard to reach Loras’s room unseen considering their chambers were three doors down from each other but that didn’t stop Jon from doing his best to stay as close to silent as he slipped into Loras’s chamber.
To Jon’s utter surprise when he opened the door Loras was already sitting up in his bed with a stupid smirk plastered to his mouth as he made eye contact with Jon.
“ Did you come in here to smother me in my sleep for insulting your precious home too many times or has our impending trip to Winterfell transformed you back into the scared sniveling little pup you were when you first arrived afraid to sleep all alone?” Loras asked him in the same sweet sing-song voice he always used when mocking people.
And just like that all of Jon’s previous plans disappeared and before he knew it he was charging towards Loras ready to knock that stupid look off his face. Jon wasn’t prone to fits of violence whenever he was particularly angered by something he would go to the training yard and blow off steam but sometimes like this exact moment Jon would feel the blood in his body turn hot and his body or mouth would react without his permission it just so happened that more often than not Loras was the trigger. Lady Olenna always blamed these bursts of anger on his Stark blood telling him without her guided hand he’d be one step away from a beast. Jon never took her words too seriously knowing that if she truly thought that Marge wouldn’t be betrothed to Robb and besides Jon liked to blame his anger on the heat of the south.
Despite Loras having already reached his fifteenth nameday and Jon’s thirteenth nameday approaching Jon’s growth spurt had hit last summer and all that time in the training yard had him feeling out his lanky limbs fairly quickly so after they collided and Loras lunged for him Jon quickly dodged his attack. They rolled around on the ground for a bit neither allowing the other to get the upper hand until eventually, Jon managed to gather enough strength and yank one of his arms up and slam it back down on Loras’s face. The sickening crunching sound that filled their ears caused them both to freeze and stare at each other in shock.
As often as they ended up in brawls on the floor there was always one rule they followed no matter what… never go for the face; it was off-limits.
Jon always thought it was a stupid rule but Loras said his own face was too special to be ruined and if he ruined Jon’s his father would have an even harder time trying to get some desperate northern girl to marry him.
The sight of blood leaking down Loras’s face extinguished the fire in his blood immediately but before he could apologize for breaking their one rule Loras surged up slamming his forehead into Jon’s face successfully bursting his nose and knocking him out.
When came to he was back in his chambers with Marge and Loras sitting at the foot of his bed as he slowly gathered his senses he noticed the pouding pain in his head then he suddenly remembered the fight he and Loras had which caused him to groan, catching Marge’s attention.
“ You both are idiots” she snarled at him with a glare that rivalled her grandmothers causing him and Loras both to look away in shame.
“ I don’t care why either of you did what you did but whatever is going you two better fix it before we start traveling north it has been the three of us for years and if you two meatheads plan on ending things on bad terms I’ll kill you both right here” and without waiting for either of them to respond she got up and strode out of he room with an air of haughtiness no other twelve year old could pull off.
Marges exit allowed silence to fall over the room once again while they both avoided eye contact with each other.
Loras was the first to crack. “ I’m not sorry for breaking your nose” he snipped out with an ugly look on his Loras never did look good frowning.
For a minute Jon considered saying the same thing back but he knew they would get nowhere if they both were on the defensive so he just swallowed his pride and sighed. “ Loras you don’t have to stay in Highgarden after we leave you can always leave too” Jon told him tentatively hoping Loras didn’t blow up.
Loras shot Jon a glare and let out a mean laugh “ And what run off to that Winter wasteland you are Marge will spend the rest of your lives in” he huffed out.
Jon didn’t rise to Loras’s bait knowing this was a very important conversation they needed to have. “ No Loras I’m not telling you to live in the north with us all I’m saying is you aren’t strapped here there’s more the south than highgarden just like there more to this world than the seven kingdoms you can leave Loras you can go be who ever it is you want to be” Jon said hoping Loras read in between the lines.
Nobody ever talked about it or even acknowledged the fact that Loras would probably never get married willingly and if he did it would probably be an unhappy one because as much as he liked to flirt with the highborn girls who came to visit he’d never lay with them. Jon figured for all the freedom Loras had he’d never be free not as long as he lived in the seven kingdoms that is.
A dark looked passed through Loras’s eyes and his glare only hardened. “ And why would I want to leave the seven kingdoms Snow? I'm not a bastard like you any highborn girl would be lucky to have me and if I don’t want to marry I could always join the kingsguard ” he bit out.
In any other scenario Loras calling Jon a bastard would have resulted in a reaction but Jon can see the vulnerability in Loras’s eyes under the anger so he just exhaled and released his building anger. He wanted to tell Loras that he’d never be happy in kingsguard because just because he’d be free of marrying doesn’t mean he’d really be free but Jon has known Loras for seven years so he when to stop pushing so he just smirks and says “ Aye you’ll be the prettiest knight the seven kingdoms has ever seen” and just like the tension in the room evaporates and Loras’s shoulders sag in relief and Highgarden’s best kept secret gets locked back in the box.