Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Time flies.

The first frost of winter is colder than usual. When spring appears it is no longer bright like it used to be. summer felt nothing less than unbearably suffocating.

Jungkook is doing better now. Better than he was. Better than that fateful day. Like always he allowed time to cover up the feelings, the memories, the regrets. Regardless of whether that worked, it didn’t matter, but time made things easier and for that he had to be grateful.

He returned to work straight away, began filling his schedule to the point where he was almost trying to suffocate himself with weddings. When Jin had caught on, he told him to extend his vacation instead, take more time off, this time offered by the company. He’d thought it was ironic how a few weeks before he was being flown to another country because of his talents, and then suddenly he was being told not to go into work until ‘things got better’.

Now he understands why Jin did it. Knows he needed it more than anything. But at the time it stung- felt just like another rejection to add to the one that blistered his skin and scarred him.

He tries to forget everything about the other. Decides that the best thing would be to remove him from his life completely. It doesn’t really work, not entirely. Mainly because when he takes the photo of Taehyung down from his pinboard, he can’t bring himself to throw it, instead tucking it underneath a stack of papers in one of his desk drawers. The folder of the photos from their night in Jin’s office end up on an external hard drive, along with all of his photos from Namsan too. Away from his computer but still very much accessible if he needs them. Even the playlist on his phone felt too hard to delete, let go of. 

The only thing he manages to get rid of are the disposable camera pictures. The ones from their time in his apartment. It had been a dark night, bottles of wine involved and the folder from the printing company sitting heavy on his table top. He went through them one by one, ripping them to pieces, saving only one photo that hurt too much to tear, the one of the two of them, his face nuzzled into Taehyung’s neck. It was a horrible night. Every night trying to erase Taehyung was. But he thinks it’s the small steps that count. One day his mind won’t focus on the space where the album used to be on his screen, where the photo used to sit at his desk. One day he won’t still see Taehyung on his bedsheets and he can pretend like he was never a person at all. One day.

It’s been a year and 5 months. Almost a year and a half.

Time is supposed to heal everything.

“Jungkookie are you sure you wanna do this?”

They’re in an exchange store, the sort of place where you bring your unwanted clothes or furniture or whatever you want, and swap it for money or something else the store is offering that day.

He’s been back from America only two days.

When he decided to return to work, promised Jin he was better (and truly felt it too) his boss had already got him scheduled to fly back to the states for the wedding of his celebrity client. This time he hadn’t gone alone, brought a few of the junior photographers with him, his own small team. The wedding was so large scale and glamorous it was needed, and honestly the company helped too. Last time he was there he had Taehyung...even if through a phone.

He’d never really been to a wedding like it. So many people, so much money. He swelled with that familiar feeling every time he got to witness the nuptials, the first kiss, the first dance. He was happy for them truly, even if in the back of his head the word resentment seemed to settle. He didn’t want Taehyung to interfere though, refused to let him infiltrate his mind, even if he did now have a pang of jealousy that made him wish that could be him instead. He could be happy and in love.

But now he was back and America is out the way for good. He’s better. Much better.

And he’s decided to sell most of his things.

“I’m sure Hobi hyung,” He replies, throwing the first black sack of many on the counter. Hoseok is behind him, trailing in his bedroom side cabinet, hunched over the wood, arms wrapped around it and huffing. Considering their different weight classes he realises he probably should have been the one carrying that. He smiles when the boy pauses in the doorway, takes his beanie off his head and wipes the sweat from his brow.

“You walked like ten steps from the car hyung!”

Hoseok gives him stern eyes and the younger sighs, walks over and lifts the cabinet himself, bringing it to the desk along with the sacks.

“You really spend all your free time in the gym now huh?” Hoseok comments, impressed and a little bit terrified at how much the other hadn’t struggled. He shrugs nonchalantly even though it had been true.

That was another thing that time had brought him. Distractions. He’d always liked working out, more than your average person. But now it has become a part of his life- something he did practically every single day. And it was noticeable too.

His body had changed, he was bigger, more muscles, partly another reason he was selling some of the clothes that he could no longer pull over his biceps.

Oh and he’d cut his hair too. New hair, new life...or whatever the saying was. Didn’t want to keep it long anymore- never explained to anyone why, when he showed up sporting the shorter do.

The sales assistant, a Middle aged woman with greying hair, much smaller than the two men, steps out from the back and Jungkook smiles brightly at her.

“Woah you’ve brought a lot of your things in today!” She comments, and he nods his head.

“Decided I needed a clean out mam.”

They waste no time rummaging through the bags and boxes valuing up how much all the items come to. Hoseok watches with steady eyes as he sees Jungkook hand over most of his college clothing, things he hasn’t worn in years, things he forgot he even had. He’s impressed at the youngers maturity about it all, unsure if he’d be able to part with his own things in the same way. But he understood that Jungkook had been in a strange place for a while and if this was one of his coping mechanisms, well then that's fine. Perfect really.

“Is that everything?” The lady asks once the last bag is emptied and Jungkook nods, smiling brighter than before.

“I think so.”

Hoseok smiles too, just because well it’s Hoseok, and he smiles at anything the maknae does. That is until he notices something shining on the floor and he bends down to pick it up inquisitively.

“I think this might have fallen out?” He says, lifting what he now realises is a ring between his two fingers. Jungkook turns around curious about what it is and pauses when he sees, swallows hard. Something washes over his face, his eyes seem to water and his throat constricts, but it’s only momentary, only a flicker of emotion, before he snaps out of it and holds out his hand for Hoseok to place the ring in the centre of his palm.

“This old thing,” his voice isn’t convincing. “This uhh actually isn’t supposed to be with this stuff.”

He had thought about selling it. Along with all his other belongings, get rid of another piece of the boy, just like the photos.

But just like the pictures, he reasoned that it was too hard, hid it in a sock and shoved it in his closet instead. Refused to wear it anymore but thought about it constantly.

It was the ring Taehyung bought him.

He looks down at it, takes a moment to etch out the engravings in his mind, remember the smile on the boys face the day they’d bought it. What a silly memory, he tells himself. What a useless time.

Still, he pockets it and looks back at the sales assistant with another wide smile. Hoseok stands beside him with an eyebrow raised but makes no comment, only watches as the woman hands over the money Jungkook is owed.

“You also work with a charity right? Give a lot of the sales to the foundation?” Jungkook asks once the wad of cash is in his hand and the lady nods, telling him he’s correct.

His smile softens then and he passes the money back over, “I’d like to make a donation.”

Hoseok and the woman’s eyes widen but Jungkook is firm in his word and the lady takes the cash back with unsure fingers until he’s practically putting it in the charity box himself.

She thanks him several times and he only nonchalantly accepts her gratitude. Then he turns back to Hoseok and smiles.

“Damn kid, you’ve become a regular mother Theresa.”

He shrugs. “Just felt like the right thing to do.”

“You wanna go get coffee? On me, seeing as you just gave all your stuff away and donated the money.”

Jungkook laughs heartily, his eyes disappearing. “Sounds good.”

They turn towards the door and the elder slings an arm over Jungkook’s shoulder, squeezes him close to his body and ruffles his hair affectionately. He smiles, bashful at his hyungs touchiness, and then looks out the shop window into the street, where he knows there’s a coffee shop just across the road, they can go to.

To say he freezes up when he spots the shop sign however would be an understatement. To say the way his arms fall, the way his throat gets lodged in his chest and the way he seems to burn up and yet turn as cold as ice, would be putting it lightly. There have been only so many moments where Jungkook has felt so close to throwing up, where he’s needed to rush to a bathroom to avoid Armageddon:

His sixth birthday party when he ate so much food and half of his own birthday cake, he played on the bouncy castle for less than five minutes before spewing his guts out over three of his friends.

His second year in college when he’d been dared to drink a bowl- Yes bowl- of a concoction of everybody at the party he had been attendings drinks, every spirit and mixture of beers, you can think of. It was when a cigarette butt entered his mouth that forced him to give up. Some people were just cruel.

And the night he confessed to Taehyung that he was in love with him, drunk off soju and bad choices, meeting only the home screen of his cell phone in reply. Waking up with his head in the toilet had really been the lowest point of his life.

But he thinks he’s ready again, feels something brewing up inside him, feels like his legs are any moment ready to give out. When he sees the coffee shop sign, and more importantly who seems to be standing underneath it.

Because he knows his eyesight isn’t bad. Because he knows unfortunately what every detail of the very person looks like.

it’s the most randomest days of the year, your typical Tuesday mid afternoon. Nothing special at all. No wedding, no party, no reason to return.

And yet standing on a street in Seoul, hair tucked under another beret, the colour a softer sandy brown, wearing his familiar trench coat, with those familiar brown eyes and that god forsaken box smile, is Taehyung.

Jungkook can’t move.

“Everything okay?” Hoseok asks as his own feet halt, trying to pull the boy along only to realise he’s no longer present. His eyes are so fixated on the figure outside, Hoseok tilts his head for a moment before following his eye line. When he sees what Jungkook is looking at, his jaw falls open and then his eyebrows turn angry.

“Woah Woah where are you going?” Jungkook’s voice sounds hoarse in his ears, cracked, but he manages to pull back on Hoseok’s arms as he reaches the door handle.

“I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!” His hyung replies. “What is he even doing here?”

Jungkook looks down at the floor, shakes his head. “I...I have no idea.”

Their last bit of conversation had been the call in his bedroom. That felt like a lifetime ago now.

“Who the hell is that?”

Jungkook’s head lifts up again and sure enough Taehyung seems to be smiling as someone else walks closer into their view. A shorter guy with blonde hair, gentle features, a big genuine smile on his face. When they see each other, Taehyung reaches up to the others cheeks, holds them in his hands for a moment and smiles, before throwing his arms over the others shoulders. They seem to embrace for what feels like forever, and Jungkook’s throat goes dry.

They’re very affectionate, once they pull apart the shorter male seems to get closer to the other, rests a hand on Taehyung’s cheek, stroking the bone with his thumb. They’re talking, and smiling through their words, and it seems like this isn’t any way you act with just a friend. It can’t be.

They then take each other’s hands, fingers interlocked, and walk into the coffee shop together, pull up the first table that sits directly behind the glass windows.

“Jungkook are you okay?”

Static. It’s all he seems to be able to hear- a fuzzy sort of noise in his ears that just seems to get louder and louder the longer he stares. He looks away then, wipes his cheek, shuffles his feet, pulls on his jacket, anything to make him seem like he’s doing something. Makes him feel human. He blinks and his eyes feel out of focus. Blinks again and wonders if he’s making this all up somehow. If he’s imagining things...prays he is.

When he sees Taehyung’s smile again, his stomach only twists further and then he almost hurls, holding it in at the last second.

A hand comes to his shoulder and he turns. Hoseok. He’s there with Hoseok. He’s in a store. Of course he was.

“Jungkook I said ‘are you okay?”

He blinks again, sees the worried expression on the others face and suddenly feels guilty. Knows he can’t put his hyung through that again. Remembers how concerned he and his other friends were the last time this happened.

He smiles then. Big and full of teeth and as fake as the plastic toy car he received at his sixth birthday party.

“I’m good,” he says. “You mentioned coffee? There’s a better place closer to my apartment, we should go there instead.”

Hoseok gives him a weary look which only makes him smile even more, hide the pain, the sickness in his chest.

“Let’s go back to mine?” Hoseoks suggests.

“Sure thing,” Jungkook replies chirpily, it sounds so fake but he hopes that he can convince even himself. “ I’m holding you to that coffee date though, yeah? Maybe one day in the week?”

“Jungkook are you sure you’re-“

“Let’s head back before it rains hmm?”

“It isn’t forecast to rain today Kookie-“

“Well just in case hmm? We should...we don’t wanna get caught in the rain....”

And with that he grabs for the handle, doesn’t wait for the elder as he tracks down the street, back to the car, Keeping his head down as he goes, almost shielding his face as much as he can from the coffee shop window just across from them.

Taehyung was back in Seoul. Taehyung could have been back in Seoul for months and he had no idea.

When they get back to Hoseok’s place, he falls asleep on the couch. The elder doesn’t have the heart to tell him to go back home and he stays for two whole days.

—

It doesn’t matter. He repeats it over and over in his head. The same words. It doesn’t matter that Taehyung is back. It doesn’t matter that he saw him again. It doesn’t matter that his smile still made his chest flutter, his whole being made Jungkook feel like he was vibrating.

Jungkook is a great liar.

He speaks to Jin, not by choice but because Hoseok told both him and Namjoon about what they saw. His boss tells him he hadn’t known Taehyung was back either, which confuses him more than anything, not that he lets on. Instead he simply shrugs, tells them all he hadn’t really thought about it, tries to be totally nonchalant, brush it off like nothing. It doesn’t matter. Over and over like a mantra in his mind. It doesn’t matter....it doesn’t matter....it really, really doesn’t matter.

He deludes himself that everything is fine. That Taehyung was probably coming and going like he always does. Always going to leave again. So he uses that as a reason to stay strong. To convince himself that seeing him again is just some weird coincidence and not a thing of destiny.

No such thing as fate. Taehyung had told him that.

He tells himself to believe it now.

So he puts the boy to the back corner of his mind and forgets about it. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because he knows he’s supposed to.

He just wishes his life could be that simple. He was naive to think it ever could be.

It’s raining when his phone rings.

It’s night time, almost 10pm and he’d been putting his washing away in the new side cabinets he’d bought for his apartment. Regardless of the rain, the night had been humid and he was only wearing basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt, relaxing clothes for a quiet night in, doing nothing. Well not nothing...there was a pint of ice cream on the counter with his name on it and reruns of his favourite show starting on the hour.

He hadn’t been expecting his phone to go off. He’d already had his bi-weekly phone call with his mother, didn’t have any clients who would be ringing at this time. He expects then that if it’s anybody, it’s probably one of his hyungs trying to check up on him.

So when his ring tone goes off, he doesn’t really think twice about picking it up, doesn’t even check the ID, just throws himself down on his couch, hovers the device over his ear and places the tub of cookies and cream down on his table.

“What’s up?” He says casually, sticking the spoon in the top of the ice cream, paying more attention to trying to grab enough cookie for the first bite, than to whoever it was checking up on him.

“Jungkook?”

His spoon falls, rolls out the side of the tub and clatters on the counter top, leaving a small puddle of melted liquid on its fall. He moves the phone from one ear to the other and then swallows, raises his feet to sit up on his heels.

“W-who is this?” He says, even though he knows. Even though it only took the first syllable of his name to pick up on the voice he’s tried so long to block out. He checks his screen and sure enough Taehyung’s number is staring back at him, no name but the digits were familiar. He’d stared at them long enough that he had them memorised when he was trying to figure out whether to delete them or not all that time ago.

“It’s uhh Taehyung...Kim Taehyung...”

Jungkook swallows again.

“So how have you bee-?”

“Taehyung why are you calling me?”

The elders voice cuts off for a second. He coughs, sounds like he’s straightening up, like he’s trying to avoid how awkward this is, how wrong.

“I uhh...I’m not sure if Jin told you but I’m back in Seoul...”

Jin had told him Taehyung had messaged him finally. Its understandable that if Jungkook was to know he was back, that’s how he would have found out. Taehyung would never have known Jungkook saw him outside the coffee shop.

“He mentioned it.”

“Right,” Taehyung coughs again. “It wasn’t really planned or anything...Sort of a last minute thing I suppose...”

His voice drifts off. It’s clear he’s trying to think up some excuse about how and why he’s back, especially after leaving as abruptly as he did. Jungkook would prefer he not bother, doesn’t want the excuses. There’s a silence for a while then, Jungkook refusing to speak, Taehyung too nervous to say what he wants to.

When it gets close to the minute mark Jungkook finally caves.

“Look I’m gonna head to bed in a minute so it’s best I just-”

“Can we meet?”

The younger grows nervous, well, more nervous than he already is, and his voice disappears again. Even if a part of him feels a little hopeful.

“It’s just...I need a photographer....”

“Taehyung...you are a photographer-”

“I need a wedding photographer. I haven’t done that in years and, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I’m sort of in the wedding...”

Jungkook swallows, the thought of Taehyung and the guy outside the coffee shop comes to mind and his body feels like it needs to run, hide or something. Anything. His anxiety too strong to bare. “and...you thought to come to me?”

There’s no way this could be happening right now. Taehyung couldn’t be asking Jungkook to photograph his own wedding could he? No, that would be ridiculous.

“The wedding is important to me. You’re the best in the business, I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it....”

“Taehyung this isn’t a good idea-”

“Just...just meet me first? Please? To at least talk about it...”

“I-”

“Jungkook...please just...just one coffee? Tomorrow? I’ll text you the address? Just one...”

And Jungkook is weak. So weak. Because the desperation in Taehyung’s voice makes his heart crack and he realises he’s clutching a side pillow so hard that his knuckles have turned white and he can just see him. As if he’s there. Wide eyes, soft tan skin, those damn perfect eyelashes...

“Okay,” He says finally. “Just...okay.”

There’s a breath of exasperation on the other side, relief, and Jungkook is already cursing himself for not being stronger about this whole thing, for allowing himself to fall down the rabbit hole again. They phone cuts off not a few moments later after an awkward ‘see you soon’, and then he’s throwing his phone carelessly away from himself, lifting the pillow he had been clutching in one hand, between both of them, bringing it up to his face. He lets out a weird muffled groan, takes a moment to let out his whirlwind of frustrations and then throws it on the floor. His hair now is ruffled by the pillow and he looks defeated.

he just hopes, for his own sake, that it really will just all be okay.

—

It isn’t.

He doesn’t know why he agreed to do this. Or well, he does, but he’d told himself he would never think about those reasons ever again. So instead he finds it easier to question his actions instead, curse himself for allowing himself to give in so easily.

Taehyung doesn’t want you.

This coffee meeting means nothing.

He’d gotten to the coffee shop early, because he’s an idiot, because he thought maybe being there first would give him some sort of leverage or upper hand. I show up, I stay. But he’s too nice a person to even think horrible things like that, to think of himself as better than Taehyung because he doesn’t even believe it.

So now he just feels crummy, sitting at a small table, smack bang in the middle of the cafe because at the time he’d arrived all the more private booths had been occupied and he really didn’t want to be that asshole that sits super close and watches less than patiently, every sip someone takes of their drink, practically forcing them to get up the millisecond they’re done.

He feels so exposed. Like all the other tables around him know what’s about to go down and can’t wait for the big event, and he’s been picking at anything he can get his hands on in order to calm the anxiety. All that’s done is cause a long hanging thread to fall loose from his jacket and cover the table in small fragments of sugar after he’d flicked a packet from the courtesy container in the middle a little too hard and caused it to rip open.

He’d tried to clean up as much of it as he could, but sugar is small and grainy and never really seems to disappear, no matter how much you try to get rid of it.

Basically the exact opposite of Taehyung.

The thought makes him feel guilty.

At that moment, the bell on the top of the door for the cafe rings, and he looks up in the same way he did every other time it had done that in the last thirty minutes. This time though, his intrigue is followed immediately by panic, because Taehyung is making his way inside, unravelling a thin scarf from his neck with one hand, whilst the other is fastened onto someone behind him.

The guy from the coffee shop the other day.

Jungkook’s whole body feels ready to collapse.

Instead he stands up politely as they reach his table, cursing himself for having good manners when he should have done with Hoseok suggested and stayed seated with a ‘don’t mess with me’ glare. He ends up giving one of those straight line smiles, the awkward ones people give when you pass them on the street, and then he really truly hates himself.

He feels so uncomfortable. It is so uncomfortable.

He refuses to truly meet Taehyung’s eyes, staring at his necklace, his chest, the loose bit of his bangs that seems to sit so perfectly between his brows. He’s wearing a long sleeved shirt so when Jungkook takes a peak at his wrists, he can’t tell whether the bracelet is still there. Thinks it’s probably better he doesn’t know anyway, even if a ridiculous part of him wishes to see it. He pretends not to notice the way Taehyung looks at his hands, wonders if maybe he’s curious about where the ring is.

Back in its sock in my wardrobe, Jungkook says in his mind, answering the unasked question. It’s then that the guy beside Taehyung seems to be looking between them, waiting for an interaction, and in unison both boys realise they haven’t said a word to each other, rather stood standing straight in the middle of a coffee shop, surrounded by strangers, staring at every part of the other they haven’t seen in over a year.

“Hi,” Taehyung finally says, breaking the tension. His voice sounds timid, unusual for the boy so usually full of character. “This is Jimin,” he follows. It’s said wanting to say something else, his mouth hanging open for a few seconds before deciding to lift up his still conjoined hand languidly between his and the other boy's body in a way of introduction.

“Jeon Jungkook,” He replies bowing his head politely, gives the boy, Jimin, another one of those god awful straight line smiles and then gestures for them all to sit down at the table.

They do, and when they’re seated, Jungkook’s chair seems to hover directly in between the two boys sitting opposite him. It’s quiet again, Jimin’s eyes go from one boy to the other- again- and then he swallows.

“So Taehyung tells me you photographed a celebrity wedding in L.A-”

“How’ve you been?”

Taehyung interrupts the blonde, a hand coming out on the table palm down, leaning forward a little with his question, face as serious as ever, sincere and interested. Jungkook’s eyes, which he’d trained to stare at the other boy, regardless of the animosity he feels for the stranger because he just can’t bear to look at Taehyung for too long, flick to Taehyung for a second.

“Fine,” he comments, before looking back at the blonde, and gesturing for him to continue.

Taehyung seems like a wounded puppy at the others cold response, removing his hand and placing both in his lap, looking down at them nervously. He knows he deserves a response like that. Jungkook tries to not feel like the biggest asshole in the world, even though his body feels like it’s on fire.

“He showed me the photos on Instagram. They were all absolutely amazing. You’re very talented.”

Jungkook thanks him, although he still feels uncomfortable, can still feel Taehyung’s presence too much that he knows he can’t just be normal right now.

“I understand you’re probably very in demand, super busy, but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity of trying to meet with you....”

Jungkook remembers that Taehyung had mentioned he needed a wedding photographer, a detail that had slipped his mind when it had sunk in he’d be seeing Taehyung again, and he blinks a couple times, morphing into professional Jungkook, a natural reaction when the discussion of his work comes up (well, with anyone other than the very boy sitting at the other side of the table, that is).

“We were really interested in your work and would love if we could maybe talk about wedding packages, what you offer? If you’d be available?”

He looks down at the boys hands, which are gently against the table. Sure enough there’s a band around his left ring finger and it causes a weird lump to form in Jungkook’s throat. His eyes shift along to Taehyung. Was he wearing a ring on his left hand too? He can’t remember. Now that his hands are hidden under the table, Jungkook feels almost terrified for him to lift them.

“Wedding photography...” he reiterates, his eyes lingering before turning back to the other boy. They couldn’t, could they? It was still illegal for two men to...and Taehyung wouldn’t be that shameless, would he? To ask his...whatever Jungkook was to him... “I am very busy...”

“We know, really we do. But since it wouldn’t be an official wedding anyway...and there really won’t be many people or anything, it’s only something small...well we thought we could work around your time?”

“My time?”

Not an official wedding? What was this guy talking about? Why was it as if Jungkook was already supposed to know?

Jimin smiles nervously. “Like I said, we were such big fans of your work and...” he pushes a bit of hair behind his ear, growing nervous. “It’s just that no one else we’ve spoken to will photograph a gay wedding...”

Jungkook blanks. He suddenly feels sick again, wishes he could be doing something with his hands, maybe play with more packs of sugar, anything to stop them from trembling the way they are.

“Can I just...I’m sorry,” he says. “A... what... sorry?”

Jimin grows wary, his eyes turning back to Taehyung before straightening up in his chair.

“I thought Taehyung had already explained to you....”

Jungkook purses his lips, Taehyung grows more timid, his eyes never leaving the space between his laps.

It’s at that moment a waitress comes over, a big beaming smile on her face and notepad in hand. “Hey guys, are you all ready to order?”

The three boys at the table, all awkward for a variety of reasons, turns to her. Jungkook swallows again, his mind feeling too foggy to even comprehend what drink he wanted right now. Wedding? Taehyung? Was Taehyung and Jimin...and was he supposed to...? This can’t be happening.

“I’ll have a cappuccino,” Jimin says, breaking the silence, “and Tae you want a hot chocolate right?”

The boy nods his head. Jungkook feels stupid for getting jealous that Jimin knows his order.

They both then look at him, the waitress too, and he realises it’s his time to pass on what he wants. “Uhhh, just black coffee,” He eventually says, can’t remember the name of any other type of drink right now.

Jimin bounces a little then. “Actually make that two!” He comments. “Yoongi will be here soon.”

The girl nods, smiles again before walking back where she came from.

Jungkook then grows more confused. “Yoongi?”

Jimin looks back at him, realises he’s spoke and smiles. “Yeah, my fiancé. Sorry he couldn’t be here earlier, he had to go drop off some stuff at a friends house. We haven’t been back in Seoul for very long.”

Fiancé.

The word rings.

His fiancé.

It’s at that moment Taehyung’s hands come back up on the table. Jungkook’s eyes look down at them almost instantly and he hates that he sighs in relief when he sees no band around that certain finger.

He hopes no one notices.

Turning back to Jimin, he smiles again, this time with a little more meaning in it, although he’s still wary, still confused, still has no idea what’s really going on.

“Can we maybe just...rewind a little?” He asks. “I’m sorry I don’t think I fully know what I’m doing here.”

He’s being honest, and he feels a little unsure about saying it, but when Jimin seems to relax his shoulders, he figures that he’s understanding. The blonde then looks at Taehyung with criticising eyes.

“I thought he’d told you everything,” he says. Taehyung only grows more guilty. Jungkook thinks back to their phone call and considers that it was supposed to go a whole lot differently than it did. Taehyung hadn’t really been clear about what today was for, Jungkook hadn’t wanted to say anything. Figured as such for both after the way things were left.

Jimin continues, “Not to worry, let me start back from the beginning.”

It turns out Jimin and Taehyung were not the ones engaged. In fact, Jimin and Taehyung were just good friends, ‘platonic soulmates’ the shorter of the two had referred to them as, introduced to each other through their mutual link, Yoongi.

Yoongi was Jimin’s fiancé and more surprisingly, someone Taehyung had known back in Daegu. He’d moved to Seoul before the other, started a new life and eventually met Jimin, where they, according to the boy, fell in love almost instantly. Both having moved from their own homes (Jimin, just like Jungkook was a Busan native), The pair decided they liked the idea of travelling and decided to move to Japan, and then China, and pretty much every other country around Asia. They’d stayed in contact with Taehyung when they could, and when they’d heard about his own special trips to Europe, they flew across the continents every now and again to meet up with him if they were free, for a few days, maybe a week. They were old friends, the closest, Jimin had called them, and Jungkook tries not to sound surprised by it all.

Taehyung had never mentioned them to him before.

But he figures there’s still so much about Taehyung that the elder has kept a secret. He never really opened up- no matter how much he wanted him to. No matter how much he did. The thought disrupts him.

When Yoongi arrives, the atmosphere on the table shifts once more, Taehyung seeming to grow a little more comfortable with another person from his corner now with them, although he’s still pretty much silent. The eldest of the group is petite, like Jimin, black hair and black clothing, a face that upon one look can be easily decided as intimidating, but on closer exception is soft and delicate. He has sleek eyes, small but honest, even if at times they look a little uninterested, it’s clear he’s attentive and focused.

Parts of him reminds Jungkook of himself. The intimidation thing for one is something he’s had to deal with, but also the way he’s a little more quiet. It’s makes Jungkook think about the fact he was always seemingly the more shy between him and Taehyung, but now it’s clear that Taehyung was indeed the more cautious, had a whole lot more he hid behind his loud boisterous laugh and zigzagged conversations.

But he doesn’t think about that. Or tries not to. Instead he lets Jimin and Yoongi tell him all about how they met and what they do. He tries to focus as much as possible but it’s difficult when Yoongi had taken Taehyung’s seat, wanting to sit next to his fiancé and forcing the other to grab a chair and move beside Jungkook. They haven’t even looked at each other once since the switch but Taehyung’s arm is so close to his own, he’s still as a board in an effort to make sure they don’t touch. He can’t feel him. Not even a covered brush of arms. He knows he’d explode.

Jimin and Yoongi are so enamoured with each other, it’s hard for the romantic that he is, not to fall in deep with their presentations of themselves too. In honesty he was ready to tell them that he wouldn’t be able to photograph the wedding. Not because he was too busy but rather because it was too weird for him. Too hard. Taehyung was the best man and that means he would be around and that’s the last thing he can deal with now. He was just trying to move on. It would be irresponsible for him to do this to himself. To his heart.

But like he knows, he’s weak. And every single look shared between the couple holds so much meaning in it that he finds himself close to clutching his heart every time they just as much as smile. Then he feels terrible about the fact that they seem to be having a hard time organising their ceremony. That every other photographer they had spoken to so far had instantly turned them down when they’d learned the wedding was for two men. Plus the fact the wedding wasn’t even official- that it couldn’t be- just plucked at his heartstrings even more. That these two people were so in love, so sure they wanted to be together, they were willing to throw a ceremony to celebrate their love that Jimin had called ‘stronger than any official piece of paper could ever tell them anyway.’

Jungkook has worked almost six years taking pictures of happy couples, but in all the time he doesn’t think he’s met two people who seem more in love than Jimin and Yoongi.

And it’s for that reason, as the bottom of their mugs begin to reveal themselves, as he feels the haze of caffeine inflict his body, that he feels himself holding a breath at the way Yoongi wipes at Jimin’s mouth to clean a bit of froth before delivering a soft kiss to his lips, that he says yes.

That despite his own ridiculous, terrible, unfortunate and catastrophic love life with a boy sitting right beside him, whose arm just so happened to brush his own as he leans in for another sugar to add to his hot chocolate and sent a shiver down his spine, who he’s seen clad only in one of his own shirts, who he’s shared whole evenings with talking about his life to, who he was so ready to drop everything and embrace forever, who left him without so much as an explanation, he just can’t say no to two people who deserve all the love and happiness in the world.

—

“I love you Jungkook but you’re a real idiot.”

He’s in the car, on the way to the engagement shoot for Jimin and Yoongi, a small manor house with enough nice scenery to take some good photos. It was modest, simple, not too flashy, just right for a couple who wanted things to be low-key but still special. He would be more excited if not for obvious reasons, but he’s still partially looking forward to it because of how much he enjoys this. Getting to share moments of love with people in love.

His hyung had called him, a final attempt at trying to talk Jungkook out of what he’s doing, trying to make him think straight. He had been hesitant to answer but thought maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. He’s regretting his choices now though, at the way that he can hear the clear disapproval in the others voice. Namjoon had always been less judgemental....

“Hyung...” he tries, but Hoseok makes a disappointed sound, cutting him off.

“Nope. I don’t want to hear it. You are a fool. And a masochist.”

“How am I a masochist?”

“Because only a masochist would torture themselves as badly as you are right now and I’m sorry but as your hyung I really can’t just sit and watch you do this.”

Jungkook sighs, stops at a traffic light and runs a hand through his hair.

“Hobi, I’m an adult, I can make this decision-”

“I just...I can’t believe he had the gall to even ask you, Jungkook. You! Of all people!”

“This isn’t about him. His friends, they’re in love and...it’s special Hobi, you can feel it just float off them. They deserve this.”

“But you don’t.”

Jungkook’s breath shallows, “I won’t even see him-”

“Jungkook don’t be so naive...”

“Look I can handle this...it’s just a job.”

“You can tell yourself that but you couldn’t see yourself the last time Kook. I was so worried...we were all so...”

“But it’s different this time.”

“How can it be?”

“Because this time I know how he feels about me. I won’t make the same mistake by assuming it’s anything more.”

Hoseok goes quiet and Jungkook can tell he’s probably making a sympathetic face, feels terrible about it all. Every part of it.

“Look i'm almost at the place so I’ll call you later...”

“If you need me, you know I’m here.”

“I know hyung.”

“And you know I don’t mean to upset you...”

“I know.”

He sighs on the other line. “Be careful Kookie, I love you.”

Jungkook returns the sentiment and then puts the phone down, pulls into the Manor House and parks up behind the first car he sees. When the car comes to a halt, he sighs and takes a minute to check the anxiety in his chest. It’s alive and well, blubbering and threatening to rise out of his throat, and for a moment he places a hand on his chest, hits the space a few times as if he’s just choked on a glass of water, or got really bad indigestion.

He straightens up though, once he’s done, changes his mantra to ‘this will all be fine, you’ll be fine,’ and then peers into his rear view mirror to check he looks okay. The bags under his eyes seem to be carrying stress, his complexion seems a little greyer than usual. He curses himself. He didn’t even know if Taehyung would be here today, didn’t want to even ask such a question, but he feels pissed at himself that he couldn’t look a little better. Wants to have that ‘I glow without you’ look, instead of the ‘you’re the thing that makes me glow brightest ’ one.

He leans on his steering wheel, head first. Maybe Hoseok was right. Maybe he was walking into the dragon's den and once he’d be done, he would be nothing more than skin and bones and broken limbs.

He knows the risks. Knows the feelings of his heart being ripped and pulled around his rib cage.

Maybe he really was a masochist- allowing himself to possibly face that again.

He sits up, looks back in the mirror to check his hair. His short hair, undercut, nothing to hold on to on the sides like before, nothing to pull, twirl around fingers.

He was a different person now. He had to be.

He straightens up, pulls himself out of his car, and makes his way towards the manor.

—

Taehyung’s isn’t there and it makes his life a thousand times easier.

Without the other boy, he can fall in to pretend land, act as though Yoongi and Jimin are just two clients who stumbled upon his work by chance instead of through a mutual friend, just a happy couple looking to treasure their memories and need Jungkook in the best way to do that.

They’re both so friendly, easy to talk to, that he understands quickly why they would be such good friends with Taehyung. He likes them a lot, probably more than most of the couples he’s worked with in the past, and between talking to Jimin about places in Busan they love to visit, and Yoongi about music, he feels like he does amongst his own friends, comfortable.

They start outside, the time of the day lending the most natural light for the best looking pictures, and the shoot goes down so easily, Jungkook is surprised once more. Sometimes he has to tell couples to engage more, look at each other, shows them the best way to pose, how to get their best angles. For Yoongi and Jimin none of that is needed. Every look they share holds all the worlds’ treasures in it, no laughs are forced but it’s clear they bring out the best in each other, know exactly how to make the other smile. When they touch its like their hands were meant to be on the others and it’s as if Jungkook isn’t even there, like he’s almost intruding on their love, their intimacy. Every time Yoongi whispers something to Jimin that has the shorter blonde blushing and flustered, every time Jimin strikes a pose that makes the elder smile to himself shyly, makes his eyes glow with adoration- this is what Jungkook has always dreamed of. He can’t even bring himself to feel jealous when he’s checking for the best camera position and overhears Yoongi listing to Jimin all the things he loves about him. Just unprompted right there in the gardens. He takes a picture when they don’t even realise, their eyes glistening only on each other, faces turned towards only one another.

They take a break once the outside shooting is done and Jungkook has to set up the lighting and fixtures for the inside set.

He tells the couple he won’t be a minute and expects them to take a break, maybe wonder the sights a little or spend a bit more time together, he doesn’t expect it then, when they follow him in and tell him they want to help. He tries to convince them it’s okay but Jimin is already grabbing a lighting fixture and Yoongi is following behind him with a selection of cables and he can’t help but feel touched at how nice they are.

He doesn’t realise the ulterior motive. Not even a little bit. Not even when Jimin seems to leave Yoongi to do the work, they share a look and then he walks over to the photographer and slides up beside him.

“Y’know this is the only place that would let us take pictures,” he begins. Jungkook, realising he’s being addressed, turns and looks at the other.

“The owner has a niece who lives with her long term girlfriend. Said he’d be happy to help us out after most of his family turned their back on her.”

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say, so doesn’t speak. Instead, Jimin takes the opportunity to look at him.

“Some people find it hard to open their hearts, accept love because they don’t think they deserve it. Not when the world has told them they shouldn’t.”

He runs a hand through his hair, crosses his arms afterwards. “It wasn’t easy for me and Yoongi either. We lived in this tiny little apartment, only one room. our landlord hated us so he would constantly turn off our water out of spite. We refused to let that get to us though, we never gave up. Not when we felt the way that we did...we do...”

Jungkook grows sympathetic in his chest. He knows how hard it can be. When he had told his parents, they had been understanding, by the time he was in college and had met his friendship group, inside their bubble there was nothing but acceptance. But he knew that that wasn’t the case for so many people. Knew he was one of the lucky ones.

“He talks about you a lot you know...”

Jungkook’s head shoots down. He had an inkling this was about him. That he was the underlying topic, the hidden meaning. Still he can’t stand hearing those words, doesn’t want to know.

“For years, actually. I felt like I practically knew you.”

But then a thought enters his mind that makes him intrigued. Something about Jimin. Taehyung hadn’t even told Jin about the first time he’d met Jungkook and it makes him wonder if this boy standing in front of him now is the only person who truly knows all of Taehyung’s secrets, every little thing about him.

He knows about you , his mind thinks. Taehyung spoke about you .

“-we should get back to the shoot-”

“You aren’t entirely what I expected if I’m honest. You’re a little more skittish than he drew you. Seem a little more like a deer in the headlights...” Jimin giggles but his words cause a sting to the back of Jungkook’s eyes. His lip quivers and he looks away, bites it to keep it still.

When he speaks it’s practically a whisper, so cautious...“Why are you telling me this?”

Jimin shrugs. “I like you. I know that a lot has happened and I guess I’m grateful that through it all, you still decided to show up today.”

I’m an idiot, Jungkook thinks. And a masochist.

“He’s dropping by later...just thought you should know...”

Jungkook’s head spikes up, his stomach falls. It’s what he’s been worried about. Running into him. He turns to Jimin but the boy is already gone, wandering back to his fiancé who grabs his hand and pulls him close, kisses him chaste on the lips. Suddenly Jungkook doesn’t feel safe anymore. Suddenly he wants to run.

True to the blondes word, Taehyung arrives at the manor maybe twenty minutes later, right in the middle of the shooting process. The couple are sitting on a red cushioned and gold rimmed sofa, posing with their hands embraced on Jimin's laps.

Jungkook doesn’t hear the door go, nor realise they’re no longer alone until Jimin’s face breaks out into a smile and he’s standing up to run over to the new arrival. Yoongi watches on fondly again and Jungkook refuses to turn, finds a piece of gum in his pocket and tosses it in his mouth, just to keep himself busy, making it seem like he’s not expecting the other to greet him in any way. Act like he’s just a photographer in the background doing his job.

 They speak for a little bit and although he’s hyper aware of the others presence, can feel his eyes digging into his back, he refuses to acknowledge him, refuses to turn. He considers leaving the room to call Hoseok, find some air to breathe for a moment but eventually decides against it. Instead he thinks the best thing to do would be to get the shoot over with as quickly as possible now so he can leave. Not prolong anything. After the actual wedding he’ll never have to see any of them again and whilst it’s a shame, because apart from the cryptic conversation, he really does like Jimin and Yoongi, he knows it’s the best thing.

“Shall we finish off?” He voice rings, cutting Taehyung off mid conversation. The elders face drops as he silences, fiddles with his fingers and nods, taking a step back from Jimin, a sign they’ll talk later.

Jungkook knows he sounds harsh but he tells himself not to care. What’s harsher than what Taehyung did to him anyway? He convinces himself he’s allowed to be like this. Allowed to be short. Rude. Jimin bites his lip as he heads back to the chair but Yoongi musses out the fret in his brow with a soft kiss to his temple.

He gives them barely a moment to compose themselves before he starts snapping the next round of photos.

He can feel Taehyung behind him, off standing in the corner of the room, wonders if he’s critiquing Jungkook technique, if he wants to say something about the lighting or the angle, the way any photographer has a say when someone else is the one doing the photos. He tries not to focus on him. On the weight, the pressure he’s added to the room. The way it feels hotter now than it did this morning, even though the suns gone in. The way he’s now hyper-aware that a piece of his hair is sticking up and maybe his shoes don’t quite match his pants and he’d cut himself shaving a few days ago and there’s still a little scratch just on the underside of his neck that if he turns becomes completely visible. He’s all feeling too much and too scrutinised, and too focused on, and yet not focused on enough and it hurts. He really fucking hurts.

He can’t cope with Taehyung just standing there.

“I’m going to take a break,” he says suddenly, leaning up from where the camera is propped up on his tripod. If he ever smoked, that would be his excuse, if he had an important phone call to make, that would work pretty great too. Instead he fumbles over some incoherent words that don’t even make sense and it’s pretty clear he’s just trying to get the hell out of there best he can, if only to let out a huge exhale and slump on the floor for a few seconds.

He walks out before anyone can reply. Before he notices the worried look on Jimin’s face, the nervous one on Yoongi’s, and the pure and utter look of total devastation and hurt on Taehyung’s. Before he notices Jimin gesture for Taehyung to follow him, the sound of footsteps and the door he’s just walked out of reopening and closing.

“Can we talk?”

If he thought he needed to breathe before, the air gets so quickly sucked out of him, he almost chokes.

He can’t see Taehyung, his back is turned to the door, he’s staring at a dark red rug, tassels with streaks of yellow running through them on the corner.

He has nothing to say. He just needed a moment to himself.

Taehyung never ever gave him that chance.

“I just...” his voice is wavering and it’s clear he’s nervous. “I really wanted to thank you for agreeing to do this Jungkook. You’re the best photographer-”

“Don’t.”

He turns around, hurt so evident in his eyes, a painful strain across his face. “Don’t compliment me, please. Just...don’t.”

Taehyung’s hands join in front of him, picking at his fingers, scratching the back of his thumb. He’s so anxious, but he shouldn’t be. Jungkook doesn’t think he has the right to be.

“Jimin and Yoongi...they mean the whole world to me. They....this is everything to them.”

Jungkook blinks.

“I...I always thought about you meeting them both. One day. I thought… no I knew you’d get along with them...”

He doesn’t want to hear this. Doesn’t want to hear ‘what ifs’ and old thoughts, imagine a life similar to what they once had, when Taehyung sat with all of Jungkook’s friends surrounded by beer and red wine, just with an extra addition of two other people.

“You never even mentioned them.”

Taehyung nods. “They were only in Seoul for the two years or so I was there before they left. It was a hard time for me...I...they used to let me sleep on the floor in their place, they only had the one room. It was before I got accepted to work for the Kim's, before Jin. Then they left...it’s always been a hard time for me to talk about...”

Jungkook finds himself piecing Taehyung’s life together, the way he always tried to when he found out something new about the boy. A way to create a timeline up until the moment they met and he changed his life forever. Leaving Daegu, moving to Seoul, sleeping on park benches, sleeping on Yoongi’s and Jimin’s floor, finding Jin....

“We tried to stay in contact, even if I didn’t see them, didn’t have them with me...”

“Taehyung why are you...” Jungkook’s voice trails off. Saying the others name is hard and he doesn’t want to give in. He knows he shouldn’t.

The other shrugs. “Thought you should know.” 

He’s trying. Jungkook doesn’t realise it, but He is. Taehyung has never found it easy to talk about his life. In fact before Jungkook, most of the things he shared with the boy, no other person had ever heard. He kept things bottled up and hidden, struggled to revisit those bad times because they were just so painful. 

Jungkook doesn’t realise it, but Taehyung is trying to make up for all the times he could have said more. Jungkook doesn’t realise it, but the elder is finally trying to be completely honest...

Instead, the words only make Jungkook confused. The way he is always confused when it comes to the other. So many things he could have told Jungkook, so many chances they could have talked, so many times he held things back. Taehyung decides now that there’s something he thinks Jungkook should know? The younger wonders for a moment if Taehyung really is trying to open up. But then he remembers all those other times where Taehyung had begun to, only to change the conversation so quickly after.

It’s so tiring. Jungkook is so tired and he can’t keep guessing. Can’t live his life two steps back trying to catch up with the other.

He swallows and turns so that he’s facing the elder properly. Taehyung watches his movements, shifts his foot a little unsure about what Jungkook has to say.

“Taehyung, what do you want from me?”

He sounds utterly defeated, so unsure, so confused, so in pain. Years of this has dawned on him. Years of pining for the other, being desperate for the other, trying to take every last bit he could from the other. A pull with no push. Holding onto a ledge trying to climb, pull himself up...

“...Can we be friends?”

His arms have given up. He can’t pull himself over, he can’t continue this game with no end in sight, he can no longer pretend like he’s fine letting Taehyung filter in and out of his life when he chooses, take take take from him and then leave with nothing more than open ended questions and a shaking feeling in his chest.

“Friends?” He repeats. “We always were friends, that didn’t stop me from feeling the way that I did. You and I both know we can’t be friends anymore.”

Taehyung gulps, looks sheepish, looks as though that wasn’t even what he really wanted to say anyway and is regretting it immediately. 

He panics. He just wanted to make things right, just wanted an opportunity to explain. But the words have gotten all lodged in his throat now that Jungkook is in front of him. One year and five months later- every single day begging himself to be okay, to feel healed, practising for this moment to just be honest, and he’s blowing it. 

“I know you’re right. I’m....sorry...I....”

Taehyung swallows, looks away, blinks back a tear and then stares at Jungkook again. “The way you did?” A question, asking about the past tense. The expression caught him off guard. The way Jungkook did feel? Did ? Not any more?

The way I do, Jungkook thinks, but he hardens his expression, straightens his back. “I told you I loved you and you hung up on me Tae….” His voice sounds so deflated, so hurt. That’s not his intention, he wants to be blunt, make it seem like Taehyung’s actions gave him cause to give up on the other, instead he just sounds as affected as he was that day. As he still is. Hopes Taehyung can’t see that.

“Right,” Taehyung says, “I....right...”

But Jungkook also feels like he’s ready to let go of that ledge once and for all, fling himself into dangerous waters by saying what he wants to say, for refusing to hold back any longer. Give up.

“You took whole parts of me, every last bit of me, I gave you every single inch...and you walked out of that room without any explanation.”

He pauses, sees if Taehyung has any thing to say. If he wants to use that moment to give Jungkook the explanation he deserves to hear. The elder only seems to open his mouth for a second, before dropping his head again, urging Jungkook to continue.

He can’t do it now because he knows he deserves this. He deserves for Jungkook to say these things to him, to tell him off. He knows what he did was wrong, hates himself everyday for it.

“And I get it. You’re scared to let people in, you’re afraid of love and everything it can give to you, so you block it out, pretend like it all just some big joke. But you hurt people Taehyung, you get people tangled up in that and you hurt them. Whatever issues you have with love doesn’t give you the right to treat people...to treat me the way that you did.”

Taehyung seems like he’s been stabbed with the words, and honestly Jungkook is ready to crumble and apologise, feels hatred towards himself for being mean. But at the same time he knows it needs to be said. Knows that he has to make his feelings known. Needs to let Taehyung know that he hurt him.

“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you.” The elders voice comes out so shaken, so quiet, followed by a tear before he’s clearly forcefully willing himself to stop crying. Jungkook can see that he wants to say more, but is holding back. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve to give excuses. Maybe he’s too nervous to say what’s painted on his face- the fact there is clearly so much more he wants Jungkook to know, but just can’t bring himself to do it. “I never meant for any of it, I...I didn’t think....”

And Jungkook thinks that’s just it. He didn’t think. Neither of them did. Because it was clear from the get go that this wouldn’t work, clear that they’d thrown themselves into something unpredictable. And now he’s nursing a broken heart and everything is a mess and all he wants to do is feel Taehyung’s lips against his again, but he knows that can’t be possible. Knows that there’s too many scars, too many years of his life wasted and he can’t waste anymore.

“I’m going to finish the shoot,” Jungkook says then, and he walks past the other, back to the door they both came from, the one Taehyung is still standing close to. “After the wedding, please don’t contact me again.”

—

Jungkook thought that confronting Taehyung would make him feel better.

It doesn’t.

Instead he thinks he possibly feels more lousy than before, but now he knows how to manage it better, pretend like he’s functioning normally whilst his head seems to only play reruns of the last several years of his life with one very particular boy.

He’s miserable. Feels like an asshole. And also like any sort of reconciliation between the two is now completely and totally off the cards. Which makes him feel ridiculous for even wanting to consider a reconciliation in the first place. He should be mad. He’s supposed to be mad.

Taehyung broke his heart.

But Taehyung was also Taehyung. He was funny and colourful, and he made Jungkook experience Seoul in totally new ways. He was full of energy, unadulterated brightness in his eyes, springs in his step. Everything he wore looked perfect on him, everything he said felt like music, he was beautiful, in so many more ways than just a pretty face. His soul, his body, his mind. He knew how to pull Jungkook from his shell, knew how to make Jungkook live....

He shouldn’t still want him.

But he does.

And that’s the hardest part.

“I’m an idiot.”

Today is one of those days where he can’t seem to hide the pain very well. He’s bundled up on his sofa with his bed duvet thrown over his head and a stray mug of tea on his tabletop he can’t bring himself to reach. He’d woken up feeling lonely, which is one of the worst feelings someone going through heartache can feel, and when he checked his calendar, he realised it was a week until Yoongi and Jimin’s wedding.

He’d have to see Taehyung again soon.

It didn’t help that he’d rang Jin, in an effort to not be alone, to see if his hyung would like to visit, only for the elder to get weird on the phone after telling him that he was busy. It didn’t take long for Jungkook to realise he was with him. Jin had never been a good liar. But it only made him feel worse when he knew that Taehyung was sort of quasi in his life again. Seeing his friends. His boss. It didn’t matter if Taehyung knew Jin longer.

“You’re not an idiot.”

That’s how he has Namjoon now beside him, never the first to coddle or comfort someone with physical affection, but who he was thankful for all the same. He knew he was being ridiculous and so the comfort of words in hindsight was probably better.

“An idiot. And a masochist.” Jungkook stares, refusing to listen, pulling his duvet cover tighter.

“What? Where did you get that from?”

He turns to his other hyung. Hoseok and Namjoon had been together at lunch, so it was only understandable they had shown up together at the youngers. The redhead was there to be the one to offer the physical comfort when it was needed, and had only gotten up to get himself a drink before the conversation had started. Now though he’s paused with the ceramic to his mouth, his eyes looking guilty as Jungkook stares at him expectantly.

“Don’t listen to Hoseok. Ever.” Namjoon says, catching up to the situation with a roll of his eyes. Hoseok looks offended but also sort of shrugs because Namjoon isn’t exactly wrong, and then he sits down again and brings a hand to where he thinks Jungkook’s shoulder is under all the covers.

“No, he was right,” Jungkook says, “I’m literally torturing myself. I clearly want to be torturing myself.”

“Jungkook. You don’t talk to him, you consider it torture. You do talk to him, and we reach the same outcome...”

He looks away awkwardly. He knows that no matter what, when it comes to Taehyung and what happened, he won’t be able to ever really reach some sort of closure. That he’ll just have to wait until this crippling feeling fades with time. It’s always about time when it comes to the other.

“I shouldn’t even care,” He says bitterly. “After the wedding he’ll probably be heading straight back to Europe. Find some Italian guy called Paolo or a Frenchman named Jean-luc or whatever....”

Hoseok stifles a laugh. “Well You’ve certainly come a long way since your days of catatonic blank staring and refusing to eat. Channeling your grief in a whole new way these days huh, Kook? Bleak humour?”

Jungkook makes a face.

“I just...what if because I said what I said...I ruined everything all over again? What if he wanted to... what if he...” he hates that he’s even thinking it. Hates how his romantic mind, the one fixated on weddings and Rom-coms and all things love, tells him that maybe just maybe Taehyung was there to ask for another chance.

He scrunches up his eyes. He can’t think like that. Wishful thinking leads to more disappointment and he doesn’t think he can get much lower than this. He knows he shouldn’t be getting his hopes up with the thoughts of some fairy tale ending. He just hates to think that he made things so final. That after the wedding he really will never see him again, even if that’s what he asked for.

At that moment the door to his apartment opens and he doesn’t have to look up to know Jin is making his way inside, toeing off his shoes. He slides up beside Namjoon, kisses the top of his head sweetly and then looks at Jungkook with concern.

“Hey Kook,” his voice sounds a little uneasy, as if he’d accidentally thrown away Jungkook’s favorite manga and didn’t quite know how to tell him. “How are you feeling?”

There’s an elephant in the room because of course everyone knows where Jin has been, who Jin has been with, and it’s not exactly like they’re at war or anything, but this space was metaphorically ‘team Kook’ if that was even such a thing. In a way, it’s a bit like Jin had been sleeping with the enemy.

Jungkook looks at him, he’s dressed sharp, unlike everyone else in their casuals, nice trousers, a blue shirt, hair styled off his forehead. It makes Jungkook feel weird and all he does is shrug in reply.

He wants to ask about Taehyung. He knows he can’t.

Hoseok isn’t so cautious.

“So what exactly did he have to say for himself then, hmm?” He asks, hands letting go of his tea to bring them to his hips, as if Taehyung was in the room and he was ready to tell him off like a teacher would a young kid.

Jin’s eyes flick between all three of the guys in the room before bringing his knee up behind Namjoon, half leaning on the sofa.

He looks at Jungkook again and the younger bites his lips, his fingers are trembling but it doesn’t really matter, no one can see them under his covers. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he mumbles. An excuse more than anything, he didn’t really need to go, but he felt hot and stuffy and suffocated, so maybe splashing some water on his face, or washing his hands in a time wasting habit, would make things easier.

He sees the way Jin gives Hoseok a blaming glare, sees the way Namjoon looks down guiltily about the way Taehyung had been brought up, but he’s so tired, so so tired, and he needs a break.

When he gets into the bathroom, he sighs, runs a hand down his face and then sighs again. He throws the covers on the floor, steps over them awkwardly until he reaches the toilet and then pushes down the seat and sits on top of it, placing his face in his hands.

He hates how the doors in his apartment aren’t soundproof. Hates how he can hear the faint whispers of conversation. Namjoon, now that Jungkook is no longer in the room, giving an impatient, ‘well ?’ And Jin beginning to talk.

It’s all under the breath and if he really wants to listen he has to strain to make out the conversations. He tries hard not to, but it’s so damn difficult when they are just outside and the name Taehyung is heavy on their tongue. He tries to think of a technique he read up online, some random therapy website about dealing with unwanted thoughts, telling him to try to challenge his mind into thinking about other things. List cities beginning with B, try to recite the alphabet backwards. He is only half successful, the games only doing so much before he presses his ear for information and gets strings of half sentences, small insights into a much larger discussion.

“You guys know I really wanted to tell him what an idiot he’d been...but when I got there he just looked so...broken...”

“Z Y X W V U T....”

“... A lot of tears. He just cried....he was crying so much...”

“Busan, Berlin, Birmingham....”

“Maybe even worse than Kook...so much pain and regret...

“V U T....T...T....”

“I didn’t need to say anything, he already knew. He’s...he’s really blaming himself...”

“Dammit What other cities are there....?”

“He said he was scared...he’s never felt like that before...he panicked...”

He squeezes his eyes shut. This wasn’t working. He didn’t want to know...he didn’t want to know....

“He’s not.....this is it now...not any more....”

What? He’s not what? What’s it now? What’s not anymore?

He doesn’t allow himself to hear anymore, blocking his ears as best he can. He misses the way Jin mentions how Taehyung for the last year had been bad, struggling, a shell of the person he used to be. How if not for Jimin and Yoongi looking after him, he wouldn’t have gotten by. How he was in a very bad place. How he’s lived every single day since that fateful one, thinking about Jungkook...wondering what he can do… if his mistakes were too grave...if he’s lost his chance...

Jungkook stands up, paces once twice, not much foot space to do any more than that, and then looks in the mirror. When did he age so much? When did he change from that fresh faced rookie photographer, full of anxiety getting a dream chance to work for an amazing company?

He sighs and opens the door. This was all so stupid. He was being so stupid.

“Hyungs,” he calls out, their voices going still, the conversation being cut off completely. He appears from the walkway and stands a little sheepish in his apartment, his left foot prodding at his right, scratching his ankle. “Can we...order dinner? Maybe watch a movie?”

Three sets of fond eyes look back at him, apologetic, worried and searching, wanting to make sure he’s okay.

“Of course Kook.” It’s Jin. “Whatever you want.”

He can’t have what he wants, not truly, not really. So he settles for this instead....

—

It’s probably the smallest wedding he’s ever been to.

It’s all being held at the manor, the ceremony, the reception, and there’s definitely less than thirty guests standing around waiting for it all to begin. Jungkook had realised not everyone is Korean. In fact he’s sure he’s heard both Japanese and Chinese conversations through the hallway, also a few voices speaking English. He assumes it’s because of the couples travels, probably finding more accepting friends in their lives with each place they visited. He thinks it’s nice, seeing these people who probably don’t know each other, come together to celebrate something truly real. Actual love. Most of them are also in their own couples too, a beautiful array of happy people not held down by restrictions on love set up by intolerance. His heart swells with how genuine it all feels, how comforting and welcoming the venue rings. It was a truly safe space for people to really be themselves.

The place is decorated elegantly, most if not all of it done by Jimin who had said he had to buy and make most of the things they were using because no decoration companies were willing to supply anything. He was chirpy about it all though, said he didn’t mind, made the wedding more special. Could truly do it how he wanted this way, anyway. It was amazing how nothing brought him down, how he stayed so positive about the whole thing. Jungkook smiles when he sees pride flags, the statement rainbows decorating the front of the altar, mixed in with white roses and baby's breath, absolutely stunning.

He hasn’t seen Jimin or Yoongi yet. No sign of Taehyung either, not that he cares, and after scanning the room as much as he can, he sets up his equipment quickly and easily, especially because he isn’t here alone.

“Been a while since I’ve done a shoot,” Jin comments sliding up beside him. The elder was wearing a suit just like him, looking far more sophisticated, bright eyed and less worried. Running the company, Jin never really had a role in the actual photography side of the business, but to be in charge, he had to know how to work a camera, and so of course he did.

Honestly Jungkook was surprised when Jin said he would be shooting the wedding with him. Much like Hyowon’s wedding, it was small enough for him to manage alone, much smaller in fact, but Jin had been insistent and Jungkook didn’t have it in him to debate it.

He knows he’s only really there to look out for him anyway. silently, he’s grateful.

Plus Jin had never met Jimin, but he knew Yoongi briefly, had commented that he’d met him once or twice with Taehyung right at the beginning of their friendship. He’d told Jungkook that it would be nice to see him again, that at the least he’d love to give him a congratulations. The wedding felt kind of personal for him too. He loved Namjoon more than anything in the world, would want nothing more than to be his husband. Jimin and Yoongi we’re inspiring.

“I’m glad you’re here hyung,” Jungkook says eventually. It’s one of few sentences he’s said so far today, his jaw feeling almost like liquid any time he tries to speak, His body temperature having dropped so low with anxiety, that it’s also chattering too, trying to keep him warm.

Jin’s hand slips into his then, his fingers giving him a little squeeze. “We’ll be done soon. Just take the pictures and we don’t have to stay after that.”

He nods. He knows that. Still, this is harder than he thought it would be. Still, he feels sick.

Their moment is cut short when the wedding music begins. Jungkook straightens up, stands beside his camera, ready to begin shooting, Jin is beside him with another camera in hand if necessary.

Taehyung is the first to enter, and Jungkook feels his stomach drop the minute he sees him. His hair is now a bright blonde, more so than the fair colour he once sported the first time they’d ever met. Something about it makes his skin almost shine more and he sort of glimmers in the chandelier light as he makes his way down the aisle, yet again another situation where he seems to float above everyone else, stand out in a crowd. His suit is a dark blue, a white rose attached to the lapel and gold accentuated accessories. He raises his arm to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear and Jungkook gets a flash of the Seoul bracelet, the one from the supermarket he bought him all that time ago. An old friend saying hello. His breath hitches and his eyes lose their focus as he stares, unable to blink, unable to think. It’s not until Taehyung is standing under the roses that Jungkook realises he hasn’t taken any pictures and he curses himself, only to feel Jin’s hand come up on his shoulder to tell him he has it covered. He bows his head in thanks and his hyung smiles at him, then he swallows again as he tries to compose himself, pretend like Taehyung isn’t the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life.

Next, all heads turn to the end of the altar where Jimin and Yoongi enter from opposite sides. When they see each other, they both gaze in awe, eyes blown wide, a soft giggle on Jimin’s lip, a blush on Yoongi’s cheeks. It’s their first time seeing each other for the day, seeing each other dressed up for their wedding, and the unadulterated euphoria that pulsates throughout the room is tremendous, overwhelming, every single person feeling their connection right as they take each others hands. They take a moment to greet each other, Jimin losing a tear as Yoongi cups his face in his hands and plants a soft kiss to his cheek, and then they turn back to the aisle and begin their walk, fingers and arms entangled.

They had told Jungkook they were doing the walk down the aisle together. They said it was because they wanted to enter the ceremony as one, take every step as a couple. Jungkook swears he isn’t crying as he watches them reach the end, as they’re greeted by Taehyung again who is wiping away his own tear, before standing in between them both, to begin the service.

Taehyung is officiating.

How had Jungkook not known that before?

“Love...” Taehyung says, and Jungkook has to look away.

He needs to do his job but his fingers are shaking, his attention is misguided. Taehyung is supposed to be officiating the wedding. Someone who has told Jungkook for years that love and fate and destiny, were all fake. Someone who left his heart to shatter into pieces with no explanation as to how or why.

Someone who didn’t believe in any of it.

And yet?

Taehyung has slow tears escaping his eyes, a gentle smile on his face, a look at his two friends that says he’s so unbelievably proud of them, so happy that they have found each other. He’s holding both of them so tenderly by the hands, bringing them together to hold, smile increasing when he sees the way their eyes sparkle. His voice is so gentle, so honest and it’s almost intimate, the way he’s pouring out his feelings, telling them, telling the whole crowd, just how real and true their love is...

“I’ve been a sceptic my whole life about whether two people can meet and discover they’re soulmates. Not many people here would know that I used to photograph weddings. I used to spend my days questioning how long the couple would stay together, if the amount of times the groom has looked at the maid of honour meant something, if the bride was more excited about her gifts than she was the man in front of her. I didn’t easily accept that two people could really truly feel complete together. I found it hard to accept that there was a person out there for everyone.” 

Jungkook takes a shallow breath as he listens, his fingers clicking pictures without thought as he’s stuck on the boy in front of him.

“But for years now, people have been proving me wrong. And I tried to deny it, tried to convince myself that I was right, that love was a myth, but then I think about Jimin and Yoongi and I know that all along I was just running from the truth. The reality...

That love is that feeling you get in your chest when you see the person you care about smile. Love is staying up all night to talk because you haven’t ran out of things to say. Love is wanting to explore a new place and only wanting one person beside you, to experience it all with. It’s that feeling of wanting to know every single thing about that person, how they’re feeling, what they like...if they like you. It’s feeling better just when someone else says they’re okay, it’s never wanting to let go of that person's hand, never wanting to say goodbye, never giving up on them.

“Never in my life have I seen two people more destined for each other than them. I’ve watched them look after each other, be there for one another through so much, I’ve seen them find so much happiness in just being together, felt the way they got lost in each other’s words, heard them talk for hours and hours about everything and nothing, tease each other with jokes that show their fondness, laugh so loudly, cry as one, take on every single obstacle they’ve ever had to face, as a team. I can’t think of two people more deserving of this moment right now. Two people who put to shame all the non believers, who continue to recreate what love means, redefine it, make it stronger.

“We live in a world where not everyone can accept us. Where not everyone can look beyond who we are and see what we feel. Who don’t understand. Those people are loud and sometimes they can be pretty damn convincing. But you two- you are the ones that prove everyone wrong. You’re the ones who lead by example, who show some of us, those who are afraid to let love in, that it can be worth it, that it is worth it. To have a love like you two have would be a blessing. I love you both so much.”

They smile at him and he smiles back, there’s more tears, but such genuine affection.

“So now for the vows...” he says excitedly, eyes tear stained but refusing to let himself get too swept up into the emotions of it all so they can move onwards with the ceremony.

—

“Jungkook?”

He’s moved to a second room, somewhere he’d been keeping much of his equipment, but also a place he knew he could use as an excuse to sneak away if things got a little too much through the night. The ceremony had been beautiful and the reception was just as lovely, but it was a small wedding and it was hard for him to stay out of Taehyung’s eye-line for long periods of time, especially considering he was photographing the whole thing. His job was pretty much to make sure he could see everything...sort of ex-boyfriends turned best men included.

He turns to see Jin has appeared in the room, the door opening having revealed the music and cheers from the party happening just next door, which muffles again once its shut.

“Oh great Hyung, are you ready to go?”

He looks at his watch and sure enough, their time on the clock was pretty much up. They had only been hired until eight and it was coming up to the hour swiftly.

He’d made it. The night was over. After tonight he’ll never have to see Taehyung ever again.

He tries not to let that feeling in his stomach materialise itself as disappointment.

“Actually Jungkook...” he looks at his elder hyung who seems to be looking a little guilty, maybe unsure about how what he’s going to say next is going to go down with the maknae.

“I got talking with Yoongi again. Just about what we’ve been up to since the last time we met, I told him about Namjoon, and how things are going with the company. We really get along well, he and Jimin are so nice, and so perfect together...”

Jungkook gives him a questioning look, wondering where this is going.

“Anyway I told him that it was time for us to start packing up but he asked if we wanted to stay for the rest of the evening. Not on the clock but just to enjoy the party, grab a few drinks. He even said Namjoon and Hoseok could come...i’ve...I already told them...”

Jungkook bites his lip. “You’re all staying?”

“And you could too if you...”

He shakes his head, a short breath puffing out of his mouth as he does so. “No. You know I can’t....”

Jin nods but he looks a little disappointed. “I’ll tell the guys not to get ready-”

Jungkook shakes his head again. “No. No you guys stay and have fun...don’t worry about me.”

“Jungkook-”

“No hyung, please. Enjoy yourself. I’m glad you’re all getting along.” It was true too. In a perfect world, this would be exactly what he would have wanted. His and Taehyung’s lives, the people who belong inside them, merging together. Forming their own group. It just seems like he won’t be a part of it. He can’t be.

“I’m gonna head back to the company, start working on getting these delivered tonight.”

“You don’t have to do that, take the night off-”

Jungkook shakes the suggestion off. The quicker he was done with this whole thing, the better. Like ripping off a bandaid. That and he couldn’t help but want to look back through the pictures of Taehyung taken from the night. If it’s the last time he’ll see him, he doesn’t mind admitting that he wants to spend a bit of time just getting to say goodbye. Even if that’s just to the photos.

“I’m gonna finish packing up and then I'll say goodbye to Jimin and Yoongi hyung. Enjoy your evening hyung okay? If the guys get here after I leave, let them know I want them to enjoy themselves.”

“Jungkook I don’t have to stay, really I -”

“Hyung please. I want you too.”

Jin still has a guilty look on his face so Jungkook tries to give him a huge reassuring smile, something he hopes will make the other feel better. He really didn’t mind, it was his own heart that needed protecting, not anyone else’s, and what kind of person would he be if he’d make all his friends leave just because of his own problems?”

“Please, you guys should have fun,” he comments again. 

Jin looks unsure but Jungkook presses a camera box into his hand, “help me load the car,” he asks, changing the subject. 

They pack up quickly after that, only having to make two journeys to where Jungkook’s car is parked, to put away all of their equipment. Once they’re done, he straightens up his jacket and looks back on to the manor. For a moment he considers just going, without saying anything to the newly married couple, but he knows how rude that seems, he was here primarily to work for them and leaving without so much as a goodbye reflected badly on the company. Plus, he really liked them both, and he wanted at least one more opportunity to congratulate them on their amazing wedding. 

Jin tells him he’s going to wait outside, Namjoon and Hoseok having already left and were on their way, so he goes back inside alone and enters the grand hall quickly. His mind tells him not to look around, not to try and find that person, but he can’t help but look for a moment anyway, only swiftly. Taehyung doesn’t seem to be in any immediate line of sight though so he ignores the desire to see him and heads for the back wall where he can spot Jimin’s blonde hair. 

He moves quickly through the crowd, crossing the dancefloor and the bodies twisting, feeling a sense of relief when more of the married hyung comes into sight and he notices that yoongi’s arms are fastened around his waist. He thanks god that they are together so he can say his goodbyes easier, no longer having to search for them separately, and in three more strides he’s by their table. They’re both talking to a couple, two women in beautiful long slinky dresses, one gold and one black. Jungkook had photographed them earlier, They were from Japan, together for four years. When they see him coming they both smile and it causes Jimin to turn around, his eyes lighting up when he spots the photographer again.

“Oh thank goodness you’re still here,” he says, “Yoongi said your hyungs are coming, I can’t wait to meet them!” Jimin is positively glowing, and more so than he usually does, which is saying something. It’s clear that the day had been everything he could have wished for and the thought makes Jungkook’s heart coo for both him and Yoongi. The elder then smiles at Jungkook too, his arms refusing to let go of his new husband, but he nods his head in greeting instead. 

“You want a drink?” he asks Jungkook, and he realises then that they both seem to have assumed he was staying with Jin. He smiles politely then and shakes his head. 

“Uh no actually I was just coming to say goodbye.”

The smile on Jimin’s face drops and he shimmies out of Yoongi’s grip so he can take a step closer to the photographer. “You aren’t staying?” he asks, the disappointed glare mirroring the one he had received from Jin earlier. 

“I’ve got to get started on your pictures,” he lies, the excuse rolling off his tongue. “I have another shoot tomorrow so I need to manage my time accordingly.”

Jimin waves his hand in dismissal. “We don’t care when our photos will be ready Jungkook. We’d rather have you here, right babe?”

Yoongi nods his head. “Please stay, celebrate with us, it would mean a lot to Jimin and me.”

He wishes those words didn’t make him feel guilty. But he knows they know the real reason he can’t hang around, even if he wanted to stay, which a huge part of him did, he couldn’t. There was no way. Not when Taehyung could be anywhere and it was already tough enough as it was having to see him at all tonight, looking as perfect as he always does, at a wedding of all places. It just stung too badly. 

As if summoned by the fates, Taehyung appears from behind the couple, not realising they are talking to Jungkook, and he seems to be staring down at the watch on his wrist, the one sitting right beside Jungkook’s bracelet. “Guys would you hold it against me if I called it a night-?” he begins but when he sees Jungkook he freezes, his words getting caught in his chest for a second. 

“You’re still here,” he mutters, not even necessarily to Jungkook, but rather just addressing the situation. His eyes are wide as he stares, his mouth nervous. Jimin and Yoongi look between the two of them awkwardly. Jungkook is momentarily frozen.

“Are you-” Taehyung tries again, but Jungkook’s looks away from him, turns back to Jimin and Yoongi and smiles. Tries his hardest to pretend like his heart hasn’t kicked into overdrive.

“Congratulations again,” he tells them. “Tonight was absolutely beautiful.”

“You’re leaving?” It’s Taehyung’s voice again, and he swallows as he continues to ignore him, holds out his hand for Yoongi to shake. 

“I’ll let you both know when the pictures are ready. You can choose to pick them up or have them delivered. Have a fantastic rest of your night, okay?”

He smiles again, does everything in his willpower not to look at Taehyung who is staring at him with stunned, almost hurt eyes. Both Yoongi and Jimin have more they want to say to him, but it is too awkward now, he knows it is, and so he takes the initiative and turns around, begins to walk back in the direction he’s come from.

“Jungkook, wait!”

He ignores it, continues through the crowd on the dancefloor, picks up his feet to get him out of there quicker, not wanting to have to deal with this, wishing he’d gone to see the couple a few minutes earlier, anything that would have avoided this. 

“Jungkook!” 

He lets out a heavy breath, feels himself speed up even more, refuses to give him this, doesn’t want to give in, would rather just pretend he can't hear that voice.

He gets outside of the grand hall now, in the foyer for what only feels like a moment before he pushes the door open and enters into the front garden, his car and the others now on sight, Jin nowhere to be found meaning his friends have probably arrived and he’s just missed them going back into the reception.

He makes it down the stairs, his pace not failing him, knowing he will be safe any second.

“Jungkook, can you just stop for a second!” he feels a hand tug back on his arm, and it halts him, unsure how Taehyung had gotten so close so quickly, the grip refusing to let up, the contact for the first time in so long sending electric currents up his arm.

He sighs and turns around, knowing he’ll regret this, knowing he shouldn’t look into Taehyung’s face. 

He’s so damn weak.

When their eyes meet, Taehyung is slightly out of breath, his face young looking, traced with nerves. He swallows and lets go of the other now that he has him. For a second it’s as if he doesn’t know what to say, and if Jungkook was anyone else, someone with a little more willpower, someone not so totally and ridiculously in love, he would have left again. 

But then Taehyung looks down at the floor and his tries to equalise his breathing, gives out a steady and controlled breath before flicking his eyes back up to the other.

“Don’t go.”

The words are like a punch to the gut. Words that feel like some sort of sick irony, exact phrases he had uttered to the other years ago, when he was at his most raw, when he was begging him not to leave.

“Taehyung-” His voice cracks, he can’t do this. Can’t see him again, cant have another one of these moments. 

“Please just stay.”

There are so many things Jungkook could say. Ask the other why he should, how is he supposed to, how can he just pretend like being in the same room as the other isn’t the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. He feels like shouting at him, like crying, like running to his car and pretending like this isn’t happening. He hates this, he hates it so much. He feels like he can’t breathe.

“Why are you doing this to me? He asks, voice so small. “Why can’t you just leave me alone for once? Please Taehyung just leave like you always do.”

The words are harsh and Taehyung recoils backwards slightly, hurt crossing his face. For a moment it seems like he’s ready to give up, like he doesn’t want to hassle Jungkook anymore, ruin his life anymore than he has.

 But then he looks at the other again, looks at the boy he has never been able to let go of for almost six years and he grounds his feet into the floor, turns to him properly and swallows. 

“No.”

Jungkook looks at him, the hardness in the others voice coming as a surprise.

“I’m not going anywhere Jungkook. We need to talk, properly.”

“What else am I supposed to say Tae?”

“Nothing. You just… just listen to me, please. Can you just give me a moment?”

The younger considers it. Knows that he can end this now. That he can refuse to hear the other out and walk away once and for all, for good. Put this all to rest finally. 

His feet however, have other plans. His heart tells him he can’t just give up.

When Taehyung realises he isn’t going anywhere, it seems like he almost smiles, but it quickly washes away with a look of anxiety instead. He was doing this. He needed to do this. 

“Can we go somewhere to talk?” 

Jungkook would say yes, if not for the fact that this feels all too similar. They’ve done this before. Snuck off in the middle of a wedding, the party going on inside whilst they go find their own private area to talk. It’s too familiar. He can’t let himself relive that, feel that similarity again. 

A small breath of air leaves his mouth and then his jaw tightens. Taehyung sees this and nods his head. “Of course,” he says, “no...let’s...we can talk here…” 

his hands come out in the front of him and Jungkook notices he’s shaking. Even when he clasps his fingers together, it isn’t enough to make it less obvious how nervous he is. How he keeps swallowing, looking anywhere rather than at the other. Shifting his feet awkwardly. 

Jungkook just waits. Waits for him to feel ready. Knows maybe the boy doesn’t deserve that, but can’t be that cruel. It’s clear Taehyung has something to say.

Eventually Taehyung pushes out a determined breath of his own, a short shot of air, before lifting his face up to the other, meeting Jungkook’s eyes properly for the first time since seeing each other again.

“I am so sorry for everything I've done to you.”

Jungkook wants to scoff. He’s heard this before…

“I made a huge mistake and I haven't been able to live with myself since. I never meant to hurt you and I should never have done the things I did. I handled the situation and my feelings poorly and I didn't consider the consequences. I thought I was making the right choice for the both of us.”

The younger’s eyebrows furrow, confused by what Taehyung means. The right decision for the both of them? 

“Do you realise how special you are? Don’t you know that the feelings you have inside you should be given to someone who deserves them? The way you care, the way you love...so freely and with your whole heart, so passionately, so openly...you’re just, Jungkook you’re so perfect and I don’t... I didnt think I could ever be enough for you.”

“Tae, what are you…?”

The elder holds out a hand for Jungkook to stop. “Please just listen to me, okay?”

Jungkook closes his mouth, runs a hand through his hair but shows he is listening. Taehyung takes another shaky breath then, and continues.

“That night before I left. That night Jungkook you were saying things in your sleep…” 

Jungkook's eyes widen, this being the first time he’s heard about this. He knows he’s sleep talked before. Once or twice, but never thought it had happened with Taehyung. He grows bashful from hearing this now. The part of him that was always desperate to impress the other, screaming at him that he did something so embarrassing. “You were talking about family, about feeling whole, and complete. I remembered what you said about love up on the mountain. I remember what you wanted…

...I always wanted it to.”

Taehyung has never admitted such a thing, and with his last few words, his voice turns a little softer, like he’s slightly afraid of saying it- confessing it. His open look eventually turns sour though and he sighs, shakes his head. 

“But… but I didn’t think that I was the right one for you. That time in your apartment was me giving into my selfish desires because I wanted you so badly. But Jungkook don’t you see that you’re too good for me? You have this amazing life and amazing job and you’re satisfied with it all. You have these friends who love you, this family who will do anything for you. And I’m just...i'm nothing. I ran away from everything in my life. I was never satisfied with anything and didn’t know how to be. 

I was convinced that you would realise these parts of me. You would see that I’m flaky, that I can never make up my mind. That I jump from topic to topic, place to place, that I don’t know what I want, that I can’t focus on one thing, that I’m a mess. I was convinced you’d realise I wasn’t special. You wouldn’t want me anymore. 

I tried to fight these doubts in me. I did. And for a while I thought it would be okay. I thought I could prove to you and to myself that I could do this. But then…I

...remember we spoke about family at Namsan? You remember what I’ve told you about my family?” 

Jungkook nods his head gently, an affirmation that he’s listening. 

“I… I got in contact with them again whilst I was back…

I shouldn’t have. I know I shouldn’t have. I just… being with you I felt so positive for the first time in my life. That optimism you have, the way you think so romantically about things, it started to rub off on me. I thought maybe… after all these years, they would talk to me again.”

He shakes his head as if trying to erase the memory, eyes twisting tightly shut as if he’s in pain. “It was a mistake. After days and days of trying to call them and hearing nothing, my mother rang me that night. She...she said it had to be late. If my dad knew she was talking to me…” he drifts off, closes his eyes and breathes. 

“She confirmed to me everything I’d been worried about. I didn’t deserve to be loved. I shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve to have the support and comfort of a family. I don’t deserve you. I told her I’d been living abroad and she said that was good. Better. She told me not to contact them again. I...I reacted badly to that.”

He lowers his head, as if ashamed to say what he does next.

“The first time I had those conversations with them, I ran away and came to Seoul. The second time…”

“You left again.” Jungkook says.

Taehyung nods. “And that time, I left you too.” 

He takes a big breath, a step closer to Jungkook.

“My whole life people have been leaving me. My parents gave up on me the second I told them I was gay, I love Jimin and Yoongi with my whole heart and im so grateful they took me in, but then even they had to move on with their lives, without me. I...it’s always been just me. I’ve always been the one left behind in some way or another.”

“I never...I would never....”

“I didn’t know that. I thought....everything got so much so quickly and I panicked. So before you could decide you didn’t want me...I did it first...”

He closes his eyes again, keeps them shut. “I didn’t know then that you...I didn’t believe your feelings....but I know now that you wouldn’t...”

His eyes screw up and he lets out an exasperated breath, struggling to find the words he wants to say.

“I thought I didn’t deserve it. Love was just this thing that made me weak and no matter who I could give it to, it wasn’t enough. Before you I was hopeless. People would come, but they would always go eventually and I hated it. I thought that if I do what they do, pack up, leave and go somewhere, even if I do it alone, I’d be able to find that piece of me that I’ve been missing. That’s the state I was in when we met, giving up on this place, deciding to travel, deciding I was better off on my own. But that missing piece? I realise that it hadn’t gone anywhere. It was just...with you.”

“But then you left me too-” Jungkook reiterates. Trying to comprehend all Taehyung is saying, that seems to be the only thing that can leave his mouth. The idea of leaving. Taehyung always leaving...

“Because I got scared,” Taehyung interrupts. Jungkook pauses, his mouth closing as Taehyung’s eyes tighten shut again. The elder breathes out heavily and there’s a shake to it as he tries to calm himself down and regain his composure. “I know that isn’t a good excuse, Jungkook and I don’t want it to be. For the longest time I never gave you my reasoning because I didn’t want you to think it was. And I never wanted you to feel like you had to pity me either. I didn’t want to seem weak to you too…”

He knows he needs to just be honest and so he opens his eyes and tugs on his bottom lip gently before sighing once more and opening his heart.

“But… I did. I got scared, okay? Jungkook I thought all I wanted was more... see more, travel more... I wanted to be anywhere but here.... I thought.. I didn’t think that this was my home. I thought I needed to grow...

“But then I met you and you made me question that. Suddenly all those aspirations I had, didn’t mean anything anymore because I saw you. You made me think there was nothing more than I could ever want and that terrified me. How could one person change my mind so easily? How could I have been searching for home for so many years in all the wrong places and then find it in a person? It’s like with everyone, Jimin and Yoongi, Jin and his parents, when they took me in, I became a part of their lives, but I always felt just like an add on. Like an interruption. This extra puzzle piece you jam into the wrong place just to make it fit. That’s who I was. But with you it didn’t seem like that. I felt like I could start my new life, my own new life for the first time. That terrified me Jungkook, I’ve never thought like that before. I thought I was losing my mind, losing myself. I convinced myself for so long that I was fine just being this lonesome cynical person and I didn’t think I could just change because I was in love. But then when we were apart I realised that I hadn’t changed. My whole life I had been searching and I thought I still needed to, but I didn’t. I told you I took pictures to highlight the meaning in my life. Jungkook I finally felt like my life had meaning when you looked at me. Because suddenly my world itself seemed to grow in worth when you were in it.”

He takes another heavy breath, feels a little like he’s rambling, but knows these things need to be said. Knows this is his last chance to just be honest, like he’s said everything he needs to say, but these last final words. His voice grows quieter, his eyes look down at the floor.

 “Jungkook, don't you realise that a huge reason as to why I kept coming back, was you? You were like this anchor, this magnet, pulling me back to this place I was trying to run away from. I knew you were going to photograph Boyoung’s wedding- I wanted to see you. I knew you’d be at the anniversary party and that made me even more desperate to return. Don’t you get it? I emailed you that day for what seemed like an out of the blue message when in reality I was thinking about it for weeks. I was so damn lonely and I kept looking at our pictures and normally I dealt with that by staying busy, but all I wanted to do that time was speak to you. When we spoke on the phone it’s like my mind was made up. I got on that damn flight back here before I even had time to think about it. I just wanted to see you. I just wanted to be with you….

“Jungkook I spent my whole life trying to feel like I really belonged somewhere but the only place I ever truly felt that was when I was with you. I was looking for that thing that made me feel like anything was possible and now I know that that thing is you.”

He takes another very small step forward. Finding his next words carefully. “When I left you that day I shattered my own damn world. But more than that, I hurt you and that was wrong. You have no idea how sorry I’ll be for that. How I will apologise to you everyday for the rest of our lives to prove to you how much I mean it. I never want you to think my leaving had anything to do with you. You are so perfect Jungkook and it was me...my own messed up situation that caused this. That ruined this.” He uses his hand to indicate ‘this’ as the two of them, waving it between their two bodies. “Whilst I was away, I found Yoongi and Jimin again and they helped me through all this stuff. All these feelings. It was a bad time but I knew I wanted to get over all the problems I had. My issues with love, abandonment, opening up. I knew that if I was going to be worthy of you, if I could be the person you deserved, I would need to get through my problems. So… I… I started to see a therapist. I started finding someone to talk to. I finally let myself get help….” 

He swallows. “I’m not perfect. I’m still struggling… I’m still trying to heal those parts of me. But… but I’m strong enough now to talk to you again. To finally tell you all of these things...to be honest and open with you properly once and for all…” 

He looks away. “I know that now this is probably a little too late, but I couldn’t not say anything anymore. I’m done running and I’m done hiding and I’m staying. I want to stay for good.”

Jungkook’s head pricks up, “For good?”

“I put down payment on a new place two days ago. A real, proper place. I’m serious about not leaving anymore. I’m staying here in Seoul. I’m done running away.”

“You loved me?”

“Jungkook-”

“You said you didn’t think you could just change because you were in love...” he can feel his heart in his ears, the emotions all too hard to bare. “You loved me?” His voice is timid and shakes on the words.

A tear falls down Taehyung cheek and he bats it away with the tips of his fingers, his eyes looking anywhere but at the man in front of him.

“Of course I did... I do.”

Jungkook intakes a breath. They’re the words he’s wanted to hear for almost six years of his life and he doesn’t know how to react, what to say. Taehyung loved him. Taehyung was in love with him all this time and it had taken so long for them to realise. How could they have denied themselves this love for so long?

He hears a sob and realises Taehyung is crying. Harsh tears, real tears, the most true emotion he’s ever seen from the boy, like he’s been hiding this all for so long and now that it’s finally all out, his body can’t hold on any longer, he’s finally letting himself feel everything and it’s all too much.

Jungkook surges forward instinctively, grabs the boy in his arms and holds him, lifting a hand to his face, wiping away the tears.

“Don’t cry,” he says. “Please Taehyung don’t...” But his own tears begin to spill and suddenly they’re a heap of tears, arms thrown over each other as they finally give in to every part of themselves once more.

“Fuck I- ,” Jungkook whispers and he grabs Taehyung’s face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Taehyung shit I’m so…”

He pulls the boy into his chest, a frantic mess, not sure what to do, still processing everything Taehyung has just said to him. All this time Taehyung has felt like that and Jungkook had no idea. He can’t believe he was so unaware of the others self doubt, his trust issues, the belief that he wasn’t good enough. He had only gotten snapshots into taehyung’s life in the past, but now with everything out in the open, it’s all beginning to make sense. How can he stay mad at him for what he’s been through? How can he not be understanding of someone else’s pains when he knows not everyone's the same? 

As they pull away Taehyung is shaking his head, the tears still falling. “Don’t you ever apologise to me...you...you’ve never done anything wrong. It’s me...I fucked up so much...Jungkook I love you, please forgive me...I’m so in love with you...”

Jungkook’s heart sores. He thinks for a second maybe this is a dream, maybe this isn’t happening, and if it is, maybe he’s giving in too quickly, maybe he’s being too soft and thinking too much with his heart.

But Jungkook knows how he gets at weddings.

“Tae if this is really happening-”

“It is,” Taehyung interrupts, lips pressed against Jungkook's neck with the words, “Jungkook I only want to be with you, I just want to be together. I don’t care where or how. I just want you.” He surges forward, grabs Jungkook’s face in his hands and then kisses him, so passionate, so hungry, all devouring. A plea maybe, a reminder, a reawakening. Showing Jungkook what they have. Showing him how perfectly their lips fit together. 

“I love you, I love you, I really fucking love you Jungkook.” He holds him like his life is dependent on it, reiterating the words so that Jungkook knows. He wants Jungkook to know, so badly. “I’m never letting go of us ever again okay, I promise you Jungkook, I promise you.”

Jungkook is lost with the feeling of Taehyung’s lips on his. The kiss was unexpected and his head is all over the place. But this is Taehyung, this is the boy he’s been desperate for for years now. The boy he’s been in love with for as long as he can remember. This is Taehyung telling him he’s staying… this is their chance...

“You and me,” Jungkook says. “If we are going to do this, Let’s do this properly okay? no more running.”

Taehyung is already shaking his head. “No, no I told you...I want to do this, I want to do this with you.” 

Jungkook lets out a deep sigh, finally letting go of everything he’s held in. Allowing himself to be happy. “I want to be with you so much,” he tells the elder. “You don’t know how much I want to be with you.” 

Taehyung lets out a little laugh through his tears, a blubber before wiping his face and pulling away from the other. He looks like a mess, face wet, hair ruined, red eyed and puffy cheeked. Even still Jungkook thinks he looks so beautiful. 

“I do, I do Jungkook. I’ve always wanted it too. I’m ready now, I am.” 

“Even if things get tough, whenever you are struggling, you aren’t alone Tae. You need to talk to me about these things. I’ll always be there for you. Let me be there for you. Let me help however I can. Tell me that you know I won’t let you ever feel alone.” 

“I know, I know you won’t. I won’t either, I’ll never leave you again.” 

Jungkook breathes once more. The feeling of Taehyung in his arms, holding him so tightly is so much for him. It’s too much. It’s everything. It’s his Taehyung. Finally. It’s him.

Jungkook’s heart has always been his companion through everything, worn on his sleeve, patient, yet determined, passionate and desperate. It’s searched beside him for the one thing that can make it feel one hundred times bigger, more powerful, stronger, desired. It let Jungkook be open with his feelings, let him search for that thing called love so many people have often shied away from. It’s never given up on him, never turned its back on what Jungkook could have. 

And now the very thing he has always wanted is sitting in his arms, telling him, pleading for him to love him again. To be with him. 

Two hearts so different. Two hearts that's paths have crossed so many times but never found the right moment to become one.

That no longer feels like an issue. 

Jungkook may be a little scared. Worried that this isn’t as secure as it seems to be. Worried that he’s being naive maybe.

But at the same time, he feels a calm within him. A conclusion. It feels like this is it. 

And he can’t let go of it, now that it’s here. He can’t turn his back on his heart, on his feelings. On the love he has for the boy right beside him. 

He pulls Taehyung in and their lips meet, just as electrifying as the first time they ever kissed, but this time there’s a deeper hunger, a true understanding where their feelings lie, even though its rushed and desperate, like he wants nothing more than to show Taehyung that he means his words, every last one of them, it feels unbelievable. It feels like no kiss has ever felt. A bringing together of two souls. The connection of those souls forming just one. A lock that fits perfectly in place, right and secure. Jungkook and Taehyung forever- that’s what their lock had said at Namsan. 

This kiss reaffirms all their feelings. Every last one of them. Jungkook telling Taehyung That he’s going to be there for him. Taehyung telling Jungkook he is going to be there for him too. 

He’s doing this. They’re doing this. No turning back.  

Six Years later:

“Are we there yet?” 

Just a little more Tae, I’m sure of it.”

Jungkook is several steps ahead of the other, his large boots leaving a trail Taehyung makes sure he can follow, heavy breathing from his spot so far behind. 

“I don’t remember this being so hard the first time we did this,” Taehyung cries back, wiping his bangs from his face and readjusting his backpack. He decides to stop then, take a moment to catch his breath, and Jungkook is quick to notice when he no longer hears another pair of footsteps.

“Well the last time we did this we were much younger,” Jungkook comments, walking back to the other side, taking his hand. “And we had been drinking...and we didn’t have all this stuff to carry.”

He gestures to his own backpack, the blanket rolled up attached to the side, the large thermals full of soup. Taehyung rolls his eyes. 

“Okay fair enough,” he comments. “But the next time we decide to relive our youth, let’s avoid all mountain climbing.” 

Jungkook laughs fondly, tucks a piece of Taehyung’s hair behind his ear and smiles. “This was you idea.”

“I was trying to be romantic,” the elder pouts and it makes Jungkook giggle again, leaning in and pressing a kiss onto the others puffed out lip, to will the pout away. 

“And I love that about you,” Jungkook says. “Six years later and you’re still showing me just how much of a romantic you can be.”

“Only for my soulmate,” Taehyung comments and he pecks Jungkook’s lip again. “Anything for you.”

Even though it has been six years, hearing Taehyung refer to him as his soulmate, still makes Jungkook’s heart go crazy. For all the years the elder had pretended like the very idea of soulmates, fate, destiny didn’t exist, he knew that all of those words were a reality whenever he looked into Jungkook’s eyes, and he didn’t want the younger to ever forget that. 

Taehyung had become majorly cheesy. He accepts that. When you're in love with someone as perfect as Jungkook, he thinks anyone would be. 

“It’s only a little further ‘til we find our spot,” Jungkook says again, “I’m sure it is.” he tightens his grip on Taehyung’s hand and leads him further along the trail, through looming trees and a few rocks, until the edge of the peak begins to appear and through the shrubbery, the patterns of Seoul begin to reveal itself. 

“See baby, we’re here.”

He stops his feet and Taehyung moves out beside him, a breath of relief leaving his mouth when he notices that Jungkook is right and they are back in that spot. Their spot from all those years ago. 

The decision to climb up Gwanaksan mountain had been a sporadic one. Jungkook was sitting at their coffee table, cereal in front of him, scrolling through his social media feeds absentmindedly when Taehyung had wondered out of their bedroom in nothing but one of Jungkook’s old t-shirts, tired eyes and fluffy hair. It had been their date night, the night before. The house to themselves for an evening to spend it just together. To keep the flame that’s burned for twelve years now alive and well. 

Taehyung had wrapped his arms over Jungkook’s shoulders, snuggling his face into the other’s neck before placing a kiss in the same spot and then another on Jungkook’s cheek. 

“Baby what do you think about going back to the hike spot we found the first day we met?”

It was surprising, but not unlike Taehyung to suggest for them to go. After all, it had been him to mention it the first time. He who usually decided to pull Jungkook onto random adventures, see wherever their feet took them. The kings of walking and finding somewhere to go- that’s what Taehyung had christened them as. And as the years progressed, they had gotten better at it too. There was nowhere one would go without the other.

“You wanna go back?” Jungkook had asked and Taehyung had simply nodded his head. 

“I wanna take you on a date there. Bring some food, a blanket, it will be cute.”

“We’ll have to call Jimin and let him know he needs to keep the kids and Yeontan for another day.” 

“You know he won’t mind.” 

“We both have jobs.” 

“Since you went into partnership with Jin you know you can do whatever you want.” 

Taehyung snuggled into his neck again, began leaving more kisses that caused the younger to let out a relief filled moan. 

How could he have ever said no?

And so here they were, back pretty much to where it all began, twelve years ago now. They laid their blanket down, taking off their backpacks to sit on the ground and admire the view around them. It wasn’t nearly as dark as the first time they had done this, so now Seoul smiled back at them in an afternoon glow, a clear and romantic cloudless day. 

“You know it was here that I realised I was really starting to like you,” Taehyung confesses, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back on his arms. “You were just so young and innocent back then.”

“Was not,” Jungkook interjects, but Taehyung just laughs at him, looks over at the face he admires so much, the boy he loves. He never gets tired of just watching him. 

“You had this nervous little habit where you would chew on your bottom lip and your eyes would get all wide. I thought it was so adorable I almost didn't get in the taxi to the airport.”

Jungkook blushes, mirrors Taehyung’s sitting position so that they’re both legs out, leaning back on their arms, their faces next to each other. “It was because I was completely intimidated by you,” he confesses. Taehyung looks surprised to ever be considered intimidating and his expression presses Jungkook to continue. “You were this insanely talented photographer and not to mention probably the most beautiful person i’d ever seen in real life. I was fresh out of college and way out of my depth working with you. I just wanted you to like me so bad.”

“I did,” Taehyung says. “A little too much honestly,” he adds on with a shy giggle. He then shuffles closer to Jungkook, fits himself in the crook of the others body, forcing the younger to sit up and wrap his arm around him.

“Me too,” Jungkook says. “Way too much.” 

They relax into each other like that, pause to take in the world around them, allow their breathing to match up and feel peace in the rise and fall of each others chest. They had come such a long way, faced so many trials, so many times where they both thought this was impossible, but now here they were, finally tranquil, finally together. 

“I’m so in love with you,” Taehyung says, the words flowing out of him so naturally, so easily, joining the light wind around them. It was no longer hard for him to admit, something he would say any opportunity he got, always wanting to remind the other just how much he really meant to him. Every time Jungkook heard it, it felt like his world was staring anew all over again. Like he was rediscovering what the meaning of life is:

To love and to be loved. 

He thinks back to the last time he sat here. To when he was just a young kid with big dreams sitting next to a boy he had no idea would become his whole world. 

He remembers his confession. How he had told Taehyung that he wanted to experience real true love. To know what it feels like to be so enamoured with only one person and have that person feel the same way back. To know what it means to yearn for someone, dream about someone, feel whole and completed with that person by your side. He wanted passion, intensity, perfection. 

He looks at Taehyung, where he’s resting in Jungkook’s arms. His face is so peaceful, so beautiful just like the first time they’d ever met; a vision of perfection, and Jungkook smiles. 

In these six years they have built up a life together. It wasn’t always easy, love that matters and means something, never is. But every single part of it was worth it. Every single part of their story, of their life, was perfect now in his eyes. They have everything they could want. A house, a family, successful careers, a successful relationship...each other.

Taehyung looks up at Jungkook, catches him staring and smiles serenely. That smile, his smile for Jungkook and Jungkook only, makes the younger feel at ease. Calms him down and reminds him that he is loved. 

Taehyung was everything he had ever hoped for and more.

-The End-