Chapter Text
This time Barry wasted no time on anticipation or anxiety, he marched right up to the rouges hideout and banged on their door. He had just put Wally to sleep and called up Dick to watch after him while Barry went out for a little bit. Prior to that the two of them talked for a couple of hours about how he was feeling and about potentially getting Wally a therapist to talk to. He had learned that Wally had been cutting himself again ever since he learned his dad was getting out of prison almost four weeks ago and that ever since he had seen that documentary a week ago the self-harm had gotten really bad, to the point that Wally had even begun to scare himself. Which is why he had come clean to Barry.
Barry wasn't mad at him, mostly he just felt like an ass because he hadn't noticed. He knew that because of Wally's super healing the cuts would have only stayed on his skin for a few minutes at most but Barry still felt like he somehow should have noticed. Especially with Wally's history of self-harm and suicide attempts, he should have been paying closer attention. He should have seen that Wally wasn't coping.
"Red, no need to break the door down" Captin Cold opened the door and Barry walked in without invitation slamming the door behind him. Heatwave was sitting on the couch drinking a beer and Snart was standing behind Barry. Barry turned on the older man
"Where is he!?" He demanded, "Where is Rudolph!?"
Barry could feel himself vibrating and he knew he needed to calm down but he couldn't. He was pissed. He was pissed at himself for not noticing how Bad wally was getting, he was mad at the rouges for not giving him more consistent updates, he was mad at Bruce for refusing to help or even care, he was mad at the prison system for letting Rudolph out early, he was mad at Rudolph for having the audacity to exist. The only person he wasn't mad at right now was Wally, he just felt bad for Wally.
"Rudolph has been laying low, he has an apartment on the edge of the city. He hasn't made any moves or tried to contact anybody" Lenord said calmly with none of his normal teasings. For some reason, Lenord cared about Wally almost as much as Barry did. He was practically Wallys weird criminal second uncle.
For some reason the fact the Rudolph was just relaxing made Barry even madder. Their lives had been turned upside down and spiralled into a mess and paranoia and depression, and Rudolph was just lounging in an apartment somewhere being happy and free. He balled up his fist trying to keep himself calm, he noticed that time perception was starting to slow and he knew that it meant he was going too fast but he couldn't really stop because he was just overwhelmed with rage at the fact that Wally was a fucking mess and his father, who was the cause of all of this, was just existing happily as a free man.
"Maybe you should sit down there Red? you don't look so good" Leonard's voice sounded like it was in slow motion and Barry knew he was right. He was burning way too much energy and was starting to feel light-headed and probably should sit down for a few minutes. He didn't care that both Lenard and Heatwave could see him, they had both worked with him before. They had both seen him have panic attacks before, honestly, they were more friends than enemies at this point.
His mask was making it hard to breathe so he yanked it off throwing it onto the floor, it didn't matter these two already knew his identity, they had for years. The longer this anger burned inside him the less it began to feel like rage and the more it began to feel like panic until something snapped and he suddenly felt like his chest was too tight to breathe. He buried his face in his hands trying to calm down. The anger had triggered a panic attack and now he felt like he couldn't calm down. This wasn't abnormal for him, he had been prone to panic attacks his entire life and anger was one of the most common triggers. Still, he felt so selfish for feeling this way because he knew this wasn't about him "I'm going to kill him" Barry muttered not really caring.
"Killing people ain't really your style" HeatWave spoke up and Barry shot him a death glare. He didn't care anymore.
"I don't care, Wally needs to be safe. he hasn't slept in a week, he isn't eating, he's too scared to leave the house and it's all Rudolphs fault. I need to protect Wally" Barry knew he probably shouldn't be telling these things to the two rouges but then again with the way they watched Wally he knew that they probably already knew. His fingers were beginning to tingle from him breathing too fast and he was still growing dizzier.
Lenord sat down on the dirty couch beside Barry "You need to calm down before you pass out on my floor"
Again Barry knew he was right, he was wound up on anxiety and lack of sleep, he wasn't thinking clearly and needed to calm down. But he couldn't he put a hand to his chest trying to breathe at a more steady rate but he couldn't seem to slow down.
Barry didn't remember passing out but he woke up lying on his side on the old couch in the rouges lair. He felt sore and nauseous. Slowly he pushed himself up looking around kind of confused. He didn't remember falling asleep or passing out but he must have, what other explanation could there be?
"Good, you're awake" Snart's dry voice startled Barry and he looked at the older man who was now holding a cup of hot chocolate out to him, "I told ya that you were gonna pass out on my floor" Barry accepted the drink taking a small sip
"sorry" he muttered feeling embarrassed "how long was I out"
Snart shrugged and sat down side him "three hours, good thing to, you looked exhausted" Barry was exhausted. Between staying up until Wally fell asleep (because the boy was too paranoid to go to sleep unless Barry was there) and waking up when Wally had nightmares he hadn't slept much in the past week, or really the past month. Not that he blamed Wally for that but no matter it still had taken a toll on him.
"Look Red, I ain't no parent. And I ain't in the business of tellin' you what to do. But my father was a mean son-of-a-bitch all the same as that bastard Wally calls a dad. Even if ya kill him, if Wally don't know that, then it ain't gonna help him now is it." With that, he left Barry to drink his hot chocolate and contemplate what he wanted to do next.