Chapter Text
Shi Qingxuan applied her makeup lightly.
It had been a few months since the party at her house, and she had gone to others in that time, but none compared.
She tried thinking about something else, not wanting to cry off the makeup that she already applied.
Xie Lian said that going somewhere like a party environment would be good for her. And he wasn’t really wrong. She loved parties and the intoxicating atmosphere that got her lost in music and good thoughts.
But she couldn’t help but feel bad and think about He Xuan.
She doesn’t even know what happened, or what she did wrong. All she remembers was He Xuan crying.
He Xuan cried.
And she didn’t know if she made her cry.
She felt eaten up inside.
Suddenly, her phone buzzed on her vanity, jolting her back to reality.
She looked at herself in the mirror, meeting a tear sliding down her left cheek.
She quickly wiped it away, then started fixing her eye.
She drew a tiny broken heart on her left cheek, then looked at her phone.
It was a message from Xie Lian, checking up on her.
XieXie💕
hey Qingxuan, just checking in!! How are you doing? Me and San Lang should be over soon.
She looked at the message for a second, debating her answer.
I’m doing okay, I’m ready, so you can come get me whenever.
She looked at her phone for a second, expecting a quick response, but put it back on her vanity when no reply came.
She looked at herself in her full mirror, making sure her outfit looked nice.
She smoothed over her skirt, making it cling to her form.
She wore a black blouse embroidered with white pink and green flowers, along with a red plaid skirt and fishnet tights.
She felt cute, but also sad. She wanted to express a little of how she felt through her outfit, and only completed that much while reminding herself of He Xuan.
’Oh He-Jie…you don’t know how much I want you to be with me…’ she thought to herself.
Her phone yet again buzzed, waking her up from her trance.
She looked at her screen, seeing a message from Xie Lian announcing he was there, when she heard a loud beep outside.
She grabbed her stuff, rushing down the stairs, happy she decided to wear sneakers.
She opened her front door, then ran to the luxurious car.
She put on a smile, excited to go out and see friends.
“Hi XieXie!! Hey Hua! Let’s go, I’m ready to have some funnnnn!”
Xie Lian smiled and giggled at her from the passenger seat, and Hua Cheng sneered at her.
She got in the back and put on her seatbelt on, just in time for Hua Cheng to speed out of the Shi’s property.
——————
He Xuan put on her black lipstick, not missing a spot, having applied it numerous times.
She didn’t even know why she was getting ready, why she decided to go.
She knows Shi Qingxuan might be there.
She couldn’t keep herself away from thoughts of her.
She didn’t want to.
She looked at her phone again, no messages.
She was so scared of what might happen, but so tired of stopping herself.
’Maybe I’ll just say goodbye…’
She shook her head, then gathered her stuff to leave.
——————
She opened the door and got clouded with the smell of alcohol and weed.
She took a large inhale, “Just smell it! The party environment.”
Xie Lian physically recoiled at the smell of the party, but patted Shi Qingxuan on the back and proceeded in.
“You are insane, Qingxuan.”
Shi Qingxuan looked at Xie Lian and giggled, continuing in.
Xie Lian and Hua Cheng moved to the far corner away from people, Xie Lian sitting in his boyfriend’s lap while he sipped a bottle.
Shi Qingxuan marveled at their quickness, but got a drink as well.
She started walking around, surveying the place and all the available areas when a dude came up to her.
“Hey, I think you’re pretty cute, do you wanna-“
“Sorry, I’m looking for my friend, I have to go haha…”
She quickly found a group of girls and shuffled over to them.
“Hey guys, sorry to bother but this dude is trying to talk to me, can you act like you’re helping me find my friend?”
They all looked at her, then one of them raised her arm, pointing towards the front of the party.
“Over that way, there are more people haha.”
“Thanks! I owe you!!”
She broke away from the group, heading towards the front.
Once she was in the middle of the makeshift dance floor she looked behind her. Seeing no one, she calmed down.
After a second of standing outside the group of people, she went back in and started to dance. She held her cup close, not setting it down.
She danced for a few songs, dancing with different people every other minute.
She got tired, and left, sitting at the makeshift bar. She fanned herself with her hand.
She opened up the top button of her blouse and fanned herself further. She decided to try looking around again, looking for a bathroom.
She got up, and continued where she left off, thankfully not finding the creepy dude still standing there.
She went upstairs, looking around the open rooms, sipping on her drink out of anxiety.
She found an empty bathroom and ran the water cold.
After holding her hand under it for around 30 seconds, she dried off her hand and wiped her forehead.
She fanned herself sitting on the edge of the bathtub, cooling off away from people.
She got up and out of the bathroom, and noted how not many people were on the same floor.
She looked at all the people from above, and sat on the highest step.
From there she saw a tall figure enter the house. The shoulder length black hair and the nearly bitchy facial expression were painfully familiar.
She felt flooded with emotion as He Xuan sneered around.
She went down the stairs, practically running to Xie Lian and Hua Cheng.
“Xie Lian, c-can I talk to you?? Over that way?” She pointed over by the staircase, where there weren’t many people.
Xie Lian raises his eyebrows, and nodded, patting Hua Cheng on the knee.
She brought him over then started trying to calm herself down, breathing slowly and pacing.
“He-J- He Xuan is here and I don’t know w-what to dooooo, I just ohhhh nooooo…” she said, practically incoherent.
Xie Lian grabbed her arm, trying to calm her down.
“Qingxuan, please calm down, I can’t really understand what’s happening.”
Shi Qingxuan stopped pacing, taking in a deep breath and faced Xie Lian.
“He Xuan. Is here. And I don’t know what to do.”
Xie Lian’s eyes widened in understanding.
“Hey, I’m sure it’s okay. She doesn’t really like parties, she might leave soon. She also might be here to talk to you.”
Shi Qingxuan couldn’t help but panic at the thought.
Why would He Xuan want to talk to her?
She shook her head, ridding herself of the thought.
“Okay, okay, okayokayokayokay hahahahah…”
Xie Lian gripped both of her arms a little tighter.
“Qingxuan, it’s okay. Me and San Lang can bring you home at any point, okay? Besides, she’s probably not mad at you. She didn’t say a word to San Lang, and that says something.”
That grounded her immediately.
She might just want to see her.
She felt warm inside again, but shoved it down.
“Okay XieXie. I trust you.”
“I’m going to go sit with San Lang okay? I have my phone with me, don’t hesitate to message me if anything happens.”
She took another deep breath, “Okay, thank you.”
Xie Lian smiled at her. “It’s no problem.”
He walked back to his boyfriend in the corner, and she stood by the stairs. She looked around for a moment when she saw her.
She looked as beautiful as ever, her beauty magnified by the low lights.
She had to go.
She went back over to the makeshift bar and sat down, preserving the image of her dream woman for later.
She sat her drink down after taking a large swig, surprised at how it was still fairly full.
A man sat down in the seat next to her, leaning his elbow on the counter.
“Hey there! Are you Shi Qingxuan?”
She turned towards him, unconsciously hugging her drink closer.
“Uhh yeah, hi.”
“Sorry to freak you out, I’m just a friend of Pei Ming’s. He told me that Shi Wudu had a little sister haha.”
She relaxed a little, hearing her brother’s name.
“Oh, haha yeah. What’s up? Did he have something to tell me?”
“Ah, no, I just wanted to talk to the beauty in person.”
“Sorry, but I’m not interested. I don’t like guys haha…”
“Oh, sorry then. Could we still talk?”
The man cocked up his eyebrow, smirking.
“Yeah, I don’t mind much. What’s up?”
“I was just wondering, when’s the next party at your place? You throw pretty neat parties.”
“I’m not sure yet haha, ge is pretty stressed out with school and all, test season is practically right around the corner for us.”
“Dang, I liked parties at your house though, it’s such a nice one! Really nice rugs.”
“Haha yeah, my parents-“
Suddenly someone tapped her on the shoulder.
She turned to face the creepy guy from earlier.
“Hey, come to my place, it’s not too far away and my roommates are all gone. I’ll show you a good time-“
Shi Qingxuan stood up from her seat, completely facing the man now.
“Could you just take the hint? I’m not interested in you and your greasy ass self. Please leave me alone.”
“Come on, don’t be like that I just-“
“If you don’t leave me alone right goddamn now, I’ll hurt you. Get. Out. Of. My. Face.”
The man recoiled, sneering at Shi Qingxuan.
He eventually left to the other side of the party and she sat back down, scoffing.
“Gods, the nerve.”
The man was still sitting beside her, looking at the man receding in the crowd.
“Damn, the nerve.”
“Yeah, I fucking hate men.”
She grabbed her cup, gripping it tightly and brought the cup to her mouth.
Suddenly, another hand gripped her cup, taking it away from her hands and dropping it on the floor.
She angrily looked over to find He Xuan.
Her eyes widened, looking into He Xuan’s, but they didn’t make eye contact.
She was intensely glaring at the guy seated next to her.
“Qingxuan, let’s go. This creep put something in your drink.”
“What? I di-“
The guy stood up, and tried grabbing Shi Qingxuan’s wrist.
She barely had any time to react before He Xuan swiftly punched the guy in the face so hard he stumbled back.
He Xuan then lightly gripped Shi Qingxuan’s upper arm, guiding her to the front of the party, and out of the door.
She let herself be taken out, almost entirely because everything was happening so fast and also because she would do anything for He Xuan.
Once they got out of the door, He Xuan let her go, suddenly very confused.
She found a crate a few feet away from the entrance and sat down.
She put her head in her hands, silent.
Shi Qingxuan just stood for a second, unsure of what to do.
She then walked over to He Xuan, and stood in front of her.
“He-Jie, what’s been going on? Whatever it is, I can give you space if you need it, but I don’t know if I did anything wrong. Did I?”
He Xuan looked up at her, her eyes a little watery, “No, you never have. There’s just…so much…I don’t know where to begin.”
Shi Qingxuan sat down beside her.
“Whatever you need to say, I’m here to listen. I won’t judge you, I promise. If you- if you killed someone I can help you bury-“
“I’m trans.”
Shi Qingxuan shut her mouth, processing for a quick moment before turning to face He Xuan.
“He-Jie, I accept you no matter what. I…I want to be with you no matter what. I’m hoping I read you right in that sense- but I don’t mind. You aren’t any less of a woman than I am, and I don’t care what about you is different.”
She looked forward, putting her head down a little, happy with what she said.
“Thank you. I figured you wouldn’t mind, but I…uhm…I don’t know how to say this…I knew you before I knew who I was- like way before.”
Shi Qingxuan turned to face He Xuan again, titling her head.
“We were in the same third grade class…and I…I really wasn’t the nicest. I made you cry, but I guess I was- I was just jealous? Just bitter? I don’t fucking know, god I hate feelings.”
Shi Qingxuan wracked around her brain for memories, and finally thought of the sunny and beautiful day she once again, tried befriending the “outcast”.
She didn’t even take the time to connect the two personalities, immediately comparing their faces.
“Oh my gods…He-Jie you were the cutest kid ever…”
He Xuan faced Shi Qingxuan, eyes wide and eyebrows high.
“You don’t- you don’t hate me?”
“You think I even have the energy to hate someone like you? You’ve obviously grown from your past self, and we were both what, eight? He-Jie you are so bad at this.”
He Xuan looked away and tilted her head.
Shi Qingxuan stood up in front of He Xuan and lightly grabbed her wrists, tugging her upwards until she stood up.
Once she was standing in front of Shi Qingxuan, just a little taller than her, Shi Qingxuan held both her hands gently.
“He-Jie, do you wanna head somewhere else where we can talk in private? I know you don’t really like crowded spaces…”
“God, yes please. I’m sick of all these people. I don’t know if my ride will help us out though.”
“It’s fine!” Shi Qingxuan said, ready to spend some alone time with He Xuan. “We can walk wherever you want. I can carry your shoes, and you can take my socks.”
He Xuan looked down at Shi Qingxuan, and squeezed their hands.
“I’m glad we got to talk.”
Shi Qingxuan just looked up at He Xuan, smiling and studying her eyes.
They stayed like that for a moment before He Xuan rolled her eyes and looped her arm around Shi Qingxuan’s back, pulling her forward.
“You are not good at this.”
He Xuan leaned down, connecting their lips for a long kiss.
He Xuan pulled away after a moment, looking at the girl in her arms to find there were a few tears streaming down her cheeks.
He Xuan pulled her closer, looking at her with worried eyes while Shi Qingxuan wiped at her face.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine- not I’m perfect. I’m just so happy. Let’s go, He-Jie.”
They hugged tightly, then set off down the road.
——————
Sunlight streamed into the room, onto He Xuan’s eyelids, waking her up.
She stretched, feeling the space next to her but finding it empty.
She sat up, rubbing her eyelids.
It had been almost six months since He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan had been dating, assimilating into each other’s families and lives.
As He Xuan’s eyes adjusted to the bright room, she reached for her phone, almost knocking over the cup that occupied her nightstand along the way.
She finally adjusted, and checked the time.
It was 10:30.
’Goddamn girlfriend schedule…’ He Xuan thought, incoherently cursing the “up early on weekends” lifestyle Shi Qingxuan had.
She put her phone down on the bed, and felt the empty space next to her, grabbing some of the still-warm blanket and cuddling it.
She closed her eyes, imagining Shi Qingxuan sleeping in her arms.
Suddenly, her door creaked open, light padding footsteps following the sound of the door closing.
A weight shifted onto the bed, making He Xuan’s body slightly move forwards.
She opened her eyes to Shi Qingxuan tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“Mmmmnnnn…” He Xuan groaned.
Shi Qingxuan giggled a little, resting her hand against her girlfriend’s face.
He Xuan grabbed her hand, and pulled her into her arms, kissing her forehead.
They stayed quiet like that for a minute, soaking up sun and each other’s love.
“Don’t go to work. I want company…”
Shi Qingxuan giggled, leaning more into He Xuan.
“He-Jie, it’s a Wednesday. I don’t have work during the week~”
He Xuan relaxed a little, but still held Shi Qingxuan closely.
Shi Qingxuan eventually tapped He Xuan on the shoulder, pulling away from her to sit up.
“Your phone was digging into my side, and I gotta make us breakfast.”
He Xuan groaned, but didn’t chase Shi Qingxuan.
Shi Qingxuan leaned down, kissing He Xuan’s furrowed brow, then her lips.
“…I have to change. Okay? I’ll come back with food. I love you He-Jie.”
“I love you too, but hurry up.”
Shi Qingxuan giggled again, getting off the bed and grabbing clothes from her drawer of He Xuan’s dresser.
As she started undressing, she looked back to see her girlfriend staring at her, a smug look on her face.
Shi Qingxuan rolled her eyes and grabbed a pillow from the floor, throwing it a He Xuan.
He Xuan caught it, but hid behind it, eyes peeking out to ogle her girlfriend.
“I can’t do anything, huh. He-Jie is a bad girlfriend!” Shi Qingxuan fake cried, pouting.
“Alright then, Qingxuan-Er.”
Shi Qingxuan felt her face get hot, but continued to pout and look away.
He Xuan laughed, a clean row of teeth showing.
“Come on, you don’t even have a shirt on.”
Shi Qingxuan poutily got herself ready, and left He Xuan’s room.
Sometime later, Shi Qingxuan knocked on the door rhythmically. He Xuan didn’t have to answer before Shi Qingxuan came in, holding a large plate of food for the both of them.
He Xuan was still in bed, on her phone.
Shi Qingxuan came over and ploped down on the bed, carefully putting the plate on both of their thighs, that way it was in between them.
As they started eating, they watched little videos.
“Qingxuan, are you sure you don’t have anything going on today?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I marked it in my calendar. Cause I was so excited to see you!!”
He Xuan rolled her eyes fondly. “Not even anything with your dumb brother?”
Shi Qingxuan looked at her, fondness lifting the corners of her mouth, “No. I meet up with him and Pei Ming tomorrow. Speaking of which, would you like to be my emotional support??”
“Oh god, both of them? I love you but I dunno about that much…”
“Oh, please!” Shi Qingxuan put both her hands together, begging. “That dimwit was against me liking girls for years! Now he has a boyfriend!! Please, you can make fun of him all you want!”
He Xuan smiled at the thought. She leaned into her girlfriend, resting her head on her shoulder.
“Fine. But I get to do your makeup, and you have to at least try to stay still.”
“Fine He-Jie, you have yourself a deal.”
She stuck out her hand, awkwardly shaking on it with He Xuan.
They cuddled like that the rest of the day, giving each other all the love they could manage to give and take.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms.
_____________________