Chapter Text
Jaskier still didn’t hear anything about Geralt wherever he traveled, he asked around everywhere he went but apparently no one had seen the Witcher, and there were no rumors either, nothing, absolutely nothing. There was one last straw he could grasp at. He knew the wolf Witchers spent every winter in Kaer Morhen, a keep far up north. He had been there one time and he was fairly certain he could find the way, but it was a dangerous trip to take upon on his own. No one would keep him warm at night in the mountains. But he had to risk it. It was the last chance he saw. Maybe the Witchers would know something, they had liked him when he had been there, and he was sure they would welcome him in for the winter, even without Geralt there. But he hoped deeply that Geralt was there.
As he rode the path in the mountains it got colder and colder, he had started his journey up to Kaer Morhen pretty late, to make sure, someone was already there to let him in. Luinek was only a day’s ride from Kaer Morhen but it didn’t work out like Jaskier had planned. It had started to snow and Pegasus couldn’t find a safe path anymore, so Jaskier had to walk and they only got on slowly. Luckily, he found a cave where he could seek shelter for the night. Pegasus seemed to sense his distress and lied down next to him by the small fire Jaskier had been able to start. That way he could curl up close to his horse and get some body heat from him. That was probably the only thing keeping him from freezing to death. The closer he got to the keep, the more unsettled he felt. He was shaking and not only because of the cold. He was terrified, he would arrive and Vesemir would tell him that Geralt had not returned, or that they had found his dead body. He had no idea how he would handle that.
He felt a little relief when he could finally see the keep in the distance and knew it would only be about half an hour now until he arrived, and much more that he hadn’t gotten lost on his way through the mountains.
He walked up to the gate and pulled the rope, which he knew was attached to a bell in the main hall, hoping someone would hear it. His whole body was shaking with a mix of fear and cold, and tears where streaming down his face. He just wanted to get into the warmth and to know what had happened to Geralt. He had to wait a couple of minutes until the gate opened and Vesemir was looking at him. Curious at first but as soon as he recognized the bard his eyes became dark.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked angrily, glaring. Jaskier was taken aback by the rude greeting. He sniffled; his tears felt like they had frozen on his face.
“I’m looking for Geralt. Do you know where he is? I haven’t seen him for the entire year. Did… did something happen to him?” Jaskier’s stomach twisted painfully. He was so scared; the answer would be yes. Until now he had been able to pretend, his beloved was fine, but getting a confirmation would make it real. There would be no more escaping the horror of the situation.
“And why would you be interested in that?”, Vesemir snarled, crossing his arms. “After you broke his heart so cruelly last spring.”
Jaskier now was confused. Apparently Geralt was not dead, which left him a little lighter. He just had no idea what Vesemir was talking about breaking Geralt’s heart. Something must have happened. Maybe a rumor must have reached Geralt before he could see Jaskier and he thought it was true. If the bard just knew what kind of rumor that was. He skimmed through all he knew about but none seemed like one that would do something like that.
“Is he here? Can I come in and talk to him please, I feel there has been a misunderstanding,” Jaskier begged and pulled his cloak closer around himself. He knew if he was not allowed in, he would not survive the journey back to Luinek. He already couldn’t feel his feet anymore.
“We are not going to let you freeze to death, so you can come in for now. But it’s Geralt’s decision if he wants to talk to you,” Vesemir decided and stepped inside. Jaskier had definitely not expected that and he was still wondering what the hell he had done. He followed Vesemir through the gate, shuffling uncomfortably on his numb feet. Pegasus followed him.
“You know where the stables are, bring him there and then come to the kitchen,” Vesemir stated before walking away. Jaskier gripped the reins tighter and walked in the opposite direction. In the stables he saw Roach happily munching on some hay. She looked up and let out a joyful neigh at the sight of him and Pegasus seemed to be equally delighted to see her. After he had stabled Pegasus, he walked over to Roach to properly greet her.
“Hello girl, it’s so good to see you. At least you are happy to see me.” She cheerfully accepted some pets from him. Then he shuffled inside, heading to the kitchen. On his way he passed Eskel and Lambert but before he had time to even think about greeting them both Witchers, they shot him weird looks.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” Lambert growled, as if Jaskier could not hear him. The bard startled. Once again, he had not expected that. It hurt a lot to hear that and he didn’t understand where this came from. Eskel didn’t say anything he just looked at him extremely disappointed and for some reason that hurt even more. He had always gotten along great with both of them and especially Eskel looking at him like that hurt a lot. He looked back to the ground, trying to hide his tears as he walked on to the kitchen.
“Sit down,” Vesemir instructed. “You can stay here for now, we are not kicking you out into a blizzard, but Geralt decides whether you can stay and if not, one of the boys will bring you back to Luinek as soon as the weather allows it.” Jaskier nodded, almost shy. He hoped whatever misunderstanding had happened could quickly be resolved. He hastily ate the steaming stew the older Witcher had set in front of him and was thankful Vesemir was silent while he ate. The stew helped him warming up again. The blood was coming back to his numb fingers in a painful stream, and he managed to wiggle them a bit around his spoon.
“So why are you here? Did your new girlfriend leave you? And now you want Geralt back? Because that is not gonna happen. You hurt him enough already,” Vesemir growled. Jaskier sputtered in shock.
“What girlfriend?” he asked, dumbfounded.
“The one you left Geralt for, the young blonde. Geralt saw you with her at King Vizimir’s banquet.” For a moment Jaskier could only stare in shock, while his brain tried to catch up. He remembered the banquet, Essi had been there, but he was fairly sure he hadn’t seen Geralt there. And what was this nonsense about him leaving Geralt?
“I… what? I did not leave Geralt? Where is that coming from?” He clutched his empty bowl desperately, just to have something in his hands.
“He came here, crying, telling me you sent him a letter, that you didn’t want to see him again.” Jaskier was thinking, he was trying to remember what his letter had said exactly. It had been a while so he wasn’t really sure anymore. However, he was fairly sure that Geralt could not have misunderstood the letter that bad.
“I sent him a letter, telling, that we couldn’t meet in Novigrad, as we had planned because I was stuck in Oxenfurt. I asked him if he could come meet me there, because I had a well paid job there. But he never came and I assumed he had never gotten it. So I waited and waited, but after two months I went to Novigrad, but no one had seen him there. I was so scared, he might be dead," he stated with a quivering voice, "I traveled around for months, asking everywhere, no one knew anything. Coming here was my last resort. I nearly didn’t make it, but I needed to know what had happened, I needed to know if he was still alive.”
Jaskier was exhausted. The walk in the freezing cold, The constant anguish of these last months about the fate of his lover, the less than warm welcome he had received when he had finally made it to the keep, all this was taking a heavy toll on him. He couldn't keep his tears from flowing freely over his cheeks.
Vesemir frowned at him.
“He is up in his room; he arrived two weeks ago and has barely left since. I will go tell him, you are here and find out if he needs to be smacked,” Vesemir declared before getting up. He left the kitchen and Jaskier could hear him talking to Eskel and Lambert outside. The door opened again and the two Witchers entered.
“Hey,” Eskel said quietly. “Vesemir told us, what you told him and actually it sounds totally like Geralt, to completely misunderstand a letter and drown in his self-loathing,” Eskel explained uneasy. “Sorry for earlier,” he apologized with a half-smile Jaskier nodded. He didn’t know what to say and the flow of emotions was still overwhelming.
Just a couple minutes later the door flew open and an angry Vesemir stomped in, dragging Geralt into the kitchen by his ear.
“You are now telling the bard what you just told me! Unbelievable,” he yelled and pushed Geralt to the table. “And you two,” he pointed to Eskel and Lambert, “OUT!”
Jaskier was fidgeting with his hands as Geralt sat down uncomfortably. The door closed and they were alone.
“Geralt... what happened? Why didn’t you come to me? Or at least wrote to me?” Jaskier asked, sad and relieved altogether. The man he loved was alive, but what could have had happened that had led to this catastrophe of a year?
Geralt clenched his teeth. “When I got your letter, I panicked. I so was sure you would write to me, telling me, you didn’t want to see me again… When I read, that we couldn’t meet in Novigrad… I felt like I was right, I didn’t feel like I could continue reading… So I burned it.”
Jaskier felt all the anguish leave him, as anger suddenly took over. “YOU DID WHAT NOW?” he yelled and jumped up from the bench he was sitting on. “YOU GOT A LETTER FROM ME AND JUST DECIDED IT WOULD SAY I WANTED TO LEAVE YOU AND AFTER ONE LINE YOU FUCKING BURNED IT?” Heavy tears where running down his cheeks. Geralt didn’t even look at him. His eyes were fixed on a spot just ahead of his feet, while he kept fidgeting with his hands.
“I’m so sorry, Jaskier,” he said very quietly.
“YOU BETTER BE, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS THROUGH THIS WHOLE YEAR? I THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME! AND WHEN I COULDN’T FIND ANYONE WHO HAD SEEN YOU, I THOUGHT YOU HAVE DIED! YOU BIG, IDIOTIC, PILLOCK OF A MAN!!!” He suddenly felt completely drained and fell down to the bench again. He could see tears streaming down Geralt’s cheeks as well. He took a few breaths to calm himself down.
“Geralt, I love you,” he stated calmly. His tone was conveying as much assurance as he could gather of the fact. “I love you so fucking much! I was so worried, months of looking for you, thinking you had died. I could never leave you. And I would most certainly never leave anyone just over a letter.” He got up and walked around the table, collapsing down onto Geralt’s lap. He dug his fingers into Geralt’s shirt. “I… I thought I would never see you again. Don’t do this to me ever again, Geralt. Please! My poor heart couldn't take it a second time. Don’t just assume shit, talk to me my love, please,” he sobbed into Geralt’s shoulder, overwhelmed by emotion. Geralt had wrapped his arms around Jaskier, fingernails digging into his back, clutching onto him for dear life.
“I’ve seen you at the banquet with that girl,” Geralt said, his voice trembling slightly.
“Essi? She is a like a sister to me, we went to the academy together, she had helped me, listened to me, when I was in despair, when I believed I lost you.” Geralt’s finger moved into Jaskier’s hair.
“You really do love me?” he asked.
“Geralt, oh gods, yes I love you. Oh no, I know you, you stupid Witcher. You talked yourself into something stupid believing I could not possibly love you? You hate yourself so much you believed I would too?” Geralt nodded, shameful.
“I thought you… you pitied me, the monster that no one could love,” he whispered. Jaskier took Geralt’s face between his hands, staring at him with pure adoration.
“Geralt look at me. This is not true. None of this is true, you are not a monster, stop telling yourself you are. I do not pity you; I love you. I love you so fucking much. I came up here, in the middle of a blizzard, I feared I wouldn’t even make it, if I hadn’t had Pegasus to keep me warm, I would have not made it. But I came here, because I was so scared, something had happened to you, I was ready to face every blizzard just to know what had become of you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Geralt.” Jaskier’s whole face was wet with tears and snot from crying and he couldn’t stop. Geralt was sobbing as well, tears running down over Jaskier’s hands. They both looked like absolute messes. Geralt pulled him in a tight embrace, pressed his face against Jaskier’s shoulder, taking in the beloved scent with deep breaths.
“I love you too, Jaskier. I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I was so stupid. I just never believed I would deserve someone like you.” Jaskier closed his eyes, he was so incredibly exhausted.
“Geralt, I’m worn out. Everything was so exhausting. I just want to sleep now,” he whispered. After they had talked, he felt like he couldn’t do anything more. He just needed a break. Geralt got up, pulling Jaskier up with him. He wrapped his legs around Geralt’s hips and let him carry him through the keep. He was already half asleep when Geralt lowered him onto the bed and pulled him into his arms again. Whatever more they might need to talk about, it could wait.