Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

At that moment, Soobin felt like he was punched with realizations and feelings he was so scared of dwelling all this time.

He feels a panic attack coming from some distance away, inside his core, gut-clenching and so, so terrifying and he can't seemed to get out of the way before it runs him over in the usual freight train fashion.

Soobin swallows a heavy, big lump in his throat, felt it bleed and run dry. Minhyun puts his hand on his shoulder, looking at him worriedly while urging him to continue reading the article.

Local news tabloid Dispatch released a report on October 1 that the record-breaker soloist- Choi Soobin is dating a non-showbiz man and a chaebol heir, Choi Yeonjun. An exclusive insider source has revealed that Choi Yeonjun is also known to be the choreographer of the idol's recent comeback. The source claims that they have known each other for a long time, two men rekindling the old flame between them during the month-long period of promotion and have gotten close since then.

He breathes out shakily, his trembling hands grabbing Minhyun's phone to read the article further. There is a swirling hurricane of emotions inside his chest that only seemed to grow worse the more he scroll down.

The article continues to give evidences of moments they were together. The photos are mostly dim, grainy even, but Soobin can recognize each one, remembers each day clearly. These are moments he tucked deep inside his heart, cradled and treasured but as his eyes land on each picture, he feels sick, disgusted even that these people are so, so willing to invade his privacy, his intimate moments with his lover so people of Korea— not only Korea, but everyone would have something they can gossip about.

The first one was a photo of him and Yeonjun during the year-end party of the management, then a picture of Yeonjun congratulating him in the post-prep party that Minhyun and the staffs prepared. The third one showed him and Yeonjun in the green room during his comeback premier when the dancer gave him flowers and when they fooled around in the corridor the night he met Taehyun again. Personal phones are not allowed there, he doesn't understand how someone took the pictures, probably a sasaeng's doing but he just doesn't know how they would have reached a journalist.

It's the next picture that makes his heart drop, the very knowledge that there's no words that can explain or defend what they are. Soobin bites his lip, looking for air to fill his lungs again because he feels like he can't breathe at the suddenness of it all. There's no water but he's drowing. There's no noise but the world is exploding right on his face as his eyes focus on the photo of Yeonjun kissing him on the cheeks inside his car the night he drove Soobin to his condo. The picture wasn't clear but the action can be seen, their side profiles too. There's no denying that it's Soobin, with someone— with a man.

It leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

Minhyun tries to stop him as he hovers on the comment section but Soobin glares at him with his red-rimmed eyes, scrolling down as tears close his throat up, choking him into the very last bit of panic settling in.

[+45,765, -21,397] how could you conclude their relationship with dark, grainy pictures you took without permission !! that man soobin was with is a fanboy and anyone who has been in his fansign knows that it's beau ciel-nim !!

[+56,234, -3,234] why do you have to settle with this kind of article for clickbait, you can just tell that they're very good friends

[+8,900, -17,352] have always known that he's gay

"That's it, stop," Minhyun grabs the phone away from his hold and Soobin doesn't bother to fight anymore. He simply just stared ahead, their words slowly sinking inside his head.

He's not crying but Soobin can feel something inside him break.

He's angry, hurt, worried and other tons of emotions he can't really dwel right now as he finally speaks. His voice is stable that even he, himself, is surprised when he heard it. It holds nothing of the turmoil inside his head and chest as he looks at Minhyun straight in the eyes and asks, "What should I do?"

That's not the real question, actually. Soobin knows what he should do, knows what he wants to do but there's a force between his lips that kept it shut tight. He wants to ask, Why now? Or even better How do I tell them?

Because Soobin is clueless. How do he tell them. How. When.

Who would even listen?

Minhyun frowns at him. Soobin can see gears in his head turning, working to make sense of the situation, to turn it the other way around because that's how Minhyun has always dealt with his scandals before. To make the articles give him a good light, to make everything about Soobin good, perfect, flawless, ideal again.

But his manager surprises him when Minhyun sat beside him on the couch inside his studio. His manager faces him and his eyes are serious, but never blank, Soobin can just see his distress contained. "What about telling me the truth first, Soobin."

Soobin's mouth opens and closes several times, looking for words to say and finding none. What truth is Soobin supposed to be telling? He didn't lie in the first place.

He thought it'd be easy to admit things once they blow up, thought that he would be able to go through it calmly but he can't even answer Minhyun right now, can't even speak his truth even though now should be the right timing.

So, in the end he whispers, "It's true," because that's his answer, it's true and he still isn't prepared to make it outside the world but he wants to say that it's true, that—

"Yeonjun and you are dating?" Minhyun asks carefully.

Soobin blinks and everytime he does, Yeonjun's smile flashes inside his head and yeah, yeah. He couldn't deny Yeonjun anymore. He doesn't even want to.

This is his truth.

"Yes," Soobin answers directly, meeting Minhyun's eyes and fighting his stare back.

He still feels a cold shudder runs up his spine with the fear dancing around the back of his mind, tingling — that Minhyun might judge him, that he doesn't have any idea what his manager will think once he finds out. What will happen... What his reaction will be—be

"Okay," and then Minhyun reaches to tap his shoulders gingerly, flashing a small, yet assuring smile, "I understand."

"You do?" Soobin hates how small he sounded, how small he felt at that moment when he asked that.

Grinning slightly, Minhyun only shrugs at him, "Of course, I do, Soobin," and then midly glares this time, "Why didn't you tell me though, jerk, I would've understood."

Soobin sputters, situation momentarily forgotten as he embarrassedly responds to a grown-up, sulking adult in front of him, "Well, for one! I didn't know how you'd react. I don't even know you're open about..." He sucks a breath in, "About those things..."

"I am your manager, Soobin," Minhyun's frown deepens, emphasizing, "But more than that, I'm your hyung. I knew about it, Soobin. You and Yeonjun aren't exactly being subtle about it and I noticed, did you really think I wouldn't? I tried to ask you once, get you to talk about it to me but, well..." Minhyun sighs, "You looked like you weren't ready yet."

"I wasn't," Soobin mumbles, leaning back on the couch, "I'm not."

He feels Minhyun's stare at him bore so he continues, "But I need to be, I want to be. I don't want to hide anymore, hyung."

Minhyun nods at him, "I know," and then he gives Soobin his phone.

The idol raised a brow at him but accepted it.

"I'm not supposed to do this," his manager rolls his eyes, "I need to confiscate your phone because of this but I know you want to talk to Yeonjun so call him using my phone," Minhyun looks at Soobin contemplatively, like he's figuring Soobin out and tentatively continues, "Make up your mind, Soobin. Tell us what you want to do, what you need to do. We can easily deny this, there are lots of loopholes in the photos but do you want that?"

Soobin blinks, not really used with being asked of what he wants. Things are always handed to him, already discussed and decided but this time, Minhyun wants him to choose, wants Soobin to decide what to do for himself.

This felt similar from the choice he was given six years ago by Chaeyeon. It was Yeonjun or his dream. This time, this is still about those two things Soobin loves the most.

He chose his dream back then - Yeonjun's too. This time, he'll choose both.

"Let me talk to Yeonjun, hyung," Soobin responds instead, sighing, "I can't be the only one to decide about this."

Minhyun nods again and stands up, about to leave the room when he suddenly turns back to Soobin and says, "I meant what I said, Soobin."

He looks back at his manager, wondering, "What, hyung?"

"I really do hope you won't lose that happiness."

A smile slowly grows on Soobin's lips as he replies silently, earnestly, "Thank you, hyung."

The moment Minhyun left the room, the silence threatened to engulf him and pull him deeper into a deep abyss of self-deprecating thoughts, pity and panic manifesting their way from his head to his heart.

Soobin shuts his eyes tight and takes a few deep breaths, calming himself. He types Yeonjun's cellphone number and calls him, biting his nails out of anxiousness while waiting for the older to answer. Hopefully, he won't mistaken Minhyun's number as some paparazzi's or sasaeng's and actually answer the call.

"Hyung, come on," Soobin whispers, anxiously rubbing his hands on his thighs.

The call then proceeded to voicemail when Yeonjun didn't answer it.

"Hey, uhm," Soobin starts, massaging his temples to think of words to say, "This is Soobin, hyung. I used my manager's phone so... please answer my call?" He shakily breathes out, standing up from his position as he gnaws his lips, "We really need to talk, love."

Then there's a beep.

Soobin goes to his computers, his eyes settling on his drafts, the work he was working still on display. It's not finished yet and Soobin intends on finishing it sometime before this month end. This song is personal, he's not planning on releasing it, least not to the fans.

The song is for Yeonjun. In some way, it's intimate, a piece of his heart to give to the older even though he holds it wholly already. Soobin doesn't just want to dedicate a song for him because Yeonjun is his melody, he was Soobin's start line.

The idol slumps on the chair in front of it, slipping his headphones on as he clicks play. The song is bedroom pop, the quality of recording is less pioneered, yet remastered and have slightly altered structure. It's mellow, fuzzy and the lyrics came from Soobin's very soul.

He can't express it in words, but Yeonjun always listens and Soobin wants him to hear. Everything about the love that was unexpected, everything about the young boy who made him dream high in the clouds and the man who made him soar in his own sky.

Soobin stares at it hard, contemplating.

What should he do?

He doesn't want to lose anyone and he doesn't want to hide from anyone anymore.

Soobin's eyes land back on Minhyun's phone when it rang, immediately grabbing it and sighing in relief when it's Yeonjun's number. He didn't waste any second answering it.

When the line connected though, there's only silence. None of them speaks and Soobin tries to work his way around his mild panic, trying to form actual sentences.

"Hey," in the end, that's what his mind settles on.

He holds his breath as he listens to Yeonjun's slow exhale. Soobin can sense his nervousness and he wants to drop everything and go to him right at the moment to tell him it's alright.

Because it is.

Soobin realizes that they might feel like the world is exploding right on their faces right now, but there's really no reason to let other people tell them what's ideal. The world may crash down and burn and it's alright because it's all in their heads.

They got their life together and they just got to give themselves what they truly deserve. Because that's all about it, isn't it. In the end, all of this boils down to one thing. It's their lives, Yeonjun's and Soobin's, not anyone else's and they just got to own it. It's their lives and they can do whatever the hell they want with it, love whoever, be with whoever.

Soobin knows enough that he deserves it. They both deserve it.

"I love you," he confesses once again because that's the first thing he wants Yeonjun to hear from him right at the moment.

He loves him and after he clears this whole debacle up, he'll still love Yeonjun. That's his end game.

Yeonjun responds with silence but after a few seconds, he mutters through the static line and distance, "I know."

Soobin finally lets out the breath he's unconsciously holding, finally relaxing, "You do?"

"Of course, Soobin," the idol's lips crack up into a small smile when he hears a hint of impatience in his voice, "I do know and I do too."

Soobin hums, pondering over his words over and over again before speaking them out loud, "You already saw the articles?"

He hears Yeonjun sigh, "Yeah, Beomgyu texted me about it and told me not to leave my apartment."

"Yeah, don't. I'll have to deal with this first, love, but listen," Soobin licks his lips, wondering what Yeonjun's answer will be, "How do you want me to deal with this?" He asks slowly, tethering gently in case Yeonjun misunderstand his question.

"Why are you asking me?" Yeonjun doesn't sound offended or anything, simply just wondering, "Shouldn't you be used to this? This like your—"

"Third scandal, I know," Soobin rolls his eyes, momentarily feeling a bubble of laughter inside his chest with the knowledge that Yeonjun did use to keep track of him even before they met again, "But you're different."

"How so?"

"I can't ever deny you," Soobin answers immediately, finding it easy to tell him.

He could never deny Yeonjun to anyone. He used to hide from him, yes. But Soobin would never deny him because Yeonjun is perfect and there's nothing wrong being in love with a man as imperfect as him.

"That's kind of alarming," there's lightness in Yeonjun's voice, like he's trying to calm Soobin while simultaneously trying to calm himself too, "I don't want to ruin your..."

He left his sentence hanging because they're both aware. Soobin lets it settle before muttering, "You won't ruin anything."

Yeonjun remains silent and Soobin can almost hear his thoughts, knows exactly what the older is thinking so he immediately tries to tell him—

"Hyung - love, listen, it's my choice alright. I want to do this, I want to clear this up. I can take whatever words they'll throw at me, but what I can't take is to give up anything I treasure," and then he asks tentatively, hesitatingly, "Trust me on this?"

"I trust you, love, I do," Soobin hates how conflicted Yeonjun sounds, "But this isn't just about us, this is about what people would think about you. This was your dream and you're living it up right now and I can't ruin that, Soobin. I never want to. I'm okay with hiding, Soobin. I am content with just being with you. I don't want you to risk anything..."

The words for me are left unsaid but Soobin gets it. The idol swallows, feeling midly frustrated. He stares at the monitor in front of him and the song he wrote for Yeonjun.

"I won't lose anything, hyung," he finally replies, his voice firm and resilient, "There's nothing to hide. There's nothing to ruin. You told me to love myself before I love anyone else. This is me choosing myself over anything else, love."

Soobin chooses himself, what he wants. Not Yeonjun's, not Sihyuk's, not his family's, not other people's but his.

"I don't want to lose this chance so I'm taking this risk," he breathes out.

Silence settles between them again and Soobin lets Yeonjun mull over his words, giving him time and space to accept it.

When Yeonjun talks again, he sounds gentle, level-headed and Soobin smiles to hear the confident, unweilding man he's so fond of again, "Then do whatever you need to do. Just know that I'll be with you for every choice you make."

Soobin finally lets himself loose, lets himself grin and laugh despite the situation because over everything else that's happening, he'll now choose the happiness he used to take away from himself.

Yeonjun sounds relieved to hear his laugh too because the older joins him after a beat of disbelieving silence, cackling up for no particular reason, really. But it feels good to be laughing.

It's therapeutic too, in a way.

"I love you," Soobin says again just because he can and he wants to.

He can hear the smile in Yeonjun's voice when he responds, "I know right, who wouldn't?"

Soobin shakes his head, "I'm waiting for you to say it back in case you haven't noticed, jerk."

"Ever so impatient, darling?"

"Yeah," Soobin pouts that slowly turns into a grin, "Yeah. So, come on, say it back."

"Say what back?" Yeonjun teases.

Soobin groans, "Okay, I'm ending this call."

Yeonjun's giggles are contagious and they make the butterflies in Soobin's stomach soar, "I love you too."

Soobin ducks his head down as a smile tugs at his lips, "I know."

When Soobin was summoned to the office for a discussion, he feels a tad scared.

Of what he'll get from it and how it'll turn out.

So, while he's on the way to Big Hit Main Building, Soobin finds himself mindlessly scrolling through Beau Ciel fansite on twitter, looking through photographs that Yeonjun had taken of him. It feels comforting, to see photographs of himself that's taken through the lens of Choi Yeonjun's gaze.

He wonders if the fans can see the intimacy that leaks from every pictures, like how Soobin is seeing them right now.

Soobin gets mildly startled when his phone vibrates on his hands as he got notified that there has been a new update by Beau Ciel.

He swallows and loads the whole page up again. When it's all refreshen up, he clicked a new picture of him that was uploaded. It was during one of his fan meeting in US and it tags;

Beau Ciel @beaucielchoi

080720 Orlando Fan Meeting
#Soobin #EternityWithSoobin

You're the one I wish to keep.
Forever.

[image]

Soobin blinks at the words, at the caption that was so apt to their situation right now. He sees how he looked during that time and there's something different that strikes him looking at it. He looked sweaty in it but there's a smile that was almost tearing his lips and his eyes were genuinely happy and it can only be because of Choi Yeonjun. Perhaps, it's the spark of passion that has grown stronger.

Soobin doesn't know what pushed him to do it or why it took so long for him to go to Naver Dictionary, typing the words that he have no single idea what meant. When it loaded, Soobin finds himself choking with the urge to cry, feeling his eyes wet though he blinks it away to read the words thoroughly.

There's enough reason not to trust and rely on online dictionaries but Soobin can't find it in himself to care as he reads the words over and over again, thinking that it's right and that it just makes perfect sense.

Beau Ciel - beautiful sky

When Soobin reaches Big Hit Main Building, he feels distressed by just watching all the staffs in disarray. As he makes his way towards the office, he can see the never-ending phone calls and there's guilt creeping up in his every nerves because he knows this is all about him. He tries to calm himself again, thinking back of Yeonjun's words while following his manager into the conference room.

It's the room Soobin hates the most. The dull black and white paint of hard walls and shining, impeccable glass windows of it has always been suffocating for him. It doesn't feel welcoming and whenever he's there, he feels more judged than ever. The people in there are scary, their eyes bore into his very soul and the way they talk about him as if he's not there, as if he's just a doll being constantly shipped from places to places sets him off.

Soobin expects those people to be there sitting opposite the big, looming door but when he pushed it open, only Sihyuk was there, back turned to him as he stands there admiring the view on the floor-to-floor window in the busy streets of Seoul where people are probably feasting, talking about Soobin's private life and throwing words.

Because that's how people are, aren't they. No matter what idols do, how well they act, how perfect their looks are, there will always someone who will disapprove.

Soobin is an idol, has been for nearly seven years. It's both a long and short time, the horizon blurred to decide which. He's used to people throwing rocks at things that shine, including himself.

"Hey," Sihyuk PD-nim looks back at him, the chairman flashing him a small smile.

Soobin timidly bows, his shoulders tensed. He's preparing himself to defend, even though he doesn't know exactly what they're going to talk about. He stands there, feeling like he's standing in the middle of a battle he doesn't have any idea how to finish, doesn't even know how started. But the instinct was there.

Like, he's fighting for something his eyes can't see.

Sihyuk addresses Minhyun with a nod, telling the manager to leave them alone for a while. Soobin doesn't stray his eyes from the chairman to see his manager's reaction but he heard the door closed as Sihyuk sat on his chair on the head of the table.

"How have you been?"

Soobin bites his lip, keeping a straight face but also expressing his respect to him without wounding his pride, "I've been doing great."

"That's good to hear," Sihyuk nods.

Soobin doesn't know why there's a need to beat around the bush, why Sihyuk is not addressing the issue at hand when it's obviously the reason he called Soobin. It doesn't seem like him because the man Soobin grew accustomed to, the man whom he learned from a lot was straight-forward, direct, knows what to say, what to do, strict but draws a line.

"We're going to deny it." There, Sihyuk spilled it.

So, this is what it's all about, isn't it. Soobin realizes as the chairman begins to talk about the measures the entertainment would take with regards of the scandal.

"We will change the related keywords that appear when people search your name or Yeonjun's. A staff has also contacted Dispatch and paid them to take down the article and other news outlet to stop reporting about it. A staff had also reported from an inside source that Dispatch will soon be releasing a new celebrity couple soon..."

Soobin lets Sihyuk's voice drown from his thoughts, not giving whatever he's saying any mind. He suddenly remembers the last time he talked to the chairman. It was the same situation, a dating news with a girl he barely remembers now.

It was the same words, same way, same mouth, same man who uttered them. It was so achingly similar that Soobin feels his head reel because he knows where this is going, knows what words will be uttered next.

[BREAKING] Big Hit Entertainment Confirms Choi Soobin is Happily Dating

It's official.

Shortly, after Dispatch allegedly claimed that Soloist Record-Breaker Choi Soobin is dating a non-showbiz man, Choi Yeonjun, Soobin's agency Big Hit Entertainment denied the news with a short statement, relaying a message to media outlets.

“Soloist Choi Soobin is having good feelings with someone right now and Choi Yeonjun is merely a colleague and the artist and him are only being good friends with each other.”
- Big Hit Entertainment

When asked earlier in the day, the agency did not give a name to Soobin's lover but neither confirmed or denied that she's non-showbiz and have yet released another response.

[+81,368, -12,000] Let's just all be happy for Soobin, soobrangdans! Whoever he's dating right now, let's just wish them the best.

[+36,141, -24,111] when i saw the pictures, it's clear that soobin does have an intimate relationship with that yeonjun! do you just casually kiss your friend's cheek? nah, they must've been very good friends, huh.

[+12,522, -33,219] im convinced that this man's whole career is going downhill

"Soobin, you're on standby," a staff came to tell him and his make up artist gave his face a last retouch before deeming it enough.

Soobin takes a few deep breaths. He stands behind a huge LED screen where a VCR is probably playing.

He can hear the deafening screams of the fans opposite the screen. The lights are dimmed and he knows that a spotlight would flash to him the moment the screen slides off and there's probably thousands of people waiting for him, that'll watch him. They paid and went here to support him, to enjoy his music and Soobin feels a thrill run down his spine at the very thought.

All these people— they really came here to support him, to watch him and Soobin feels the thought comfort him even though his hands are probably so clammy, sweating so much and his heart is pounding hard against his chest, in sync with every beat of the drums.

It's been a month since the scandal. A month of hiatus, of laying low and not being able to see people— his fans, his friends, not especially Yeonjun for a while. He was grounded to stay inside his condo for weeks and while it was incredibly unpleasant, the days passed with not so much as a wink.

He communicated with them through phone calls, text messages and SNS and he worked with music during that time.

After he got a go signal from the management, the first thing he did was meet Beomgyu, which turned to a reunion, really, because in the end, Kai went too, soon followed by Taehyun— which gave Soobin a very big shock and of course, that was the first time he and Yeonjun met again after several weeks of not seeing each other physically.

Soobin remembered Yeonjun welcoming him with a tight hug and a whisper of, "I miss you so fucking much, love," the moment he arrived in Beomgyu's place.

Choking, almost crying, Soobin hugged Yeonjun back, just as tight as he buried his face into Yeonjun's neck and breathed him in, "Me, too."

Beomgyu teased him all about his teary eyes and soft spot for Yeonjun the whole night that Soobin pondered on getting back by teasing him about Taehyun— which he conveniently stopped himself from doing so since he doesn't really know what's happening between them.

But he oath to know from his best friend as he glares at Beomgyu while they're preparing dinner in the kitchen, while the rest are in the living room arguing about what movie they'll watch after eating.

"So," Soobin started, cocking a brow, "What's the fucking deal?"

"No. Deal." Beomgyu punctuated the words as he looked over his shoulders to narrow his eyes at the older, who was just sitting on the countertop watching Beomgyu do all the work, instead of helping him.

Before Soobin could prod further, nudge Beomgyu to spill, the younger gave him sharp glares that Soobin could've swore, much sharper than the knife on his hand, "There's no fucking deal."

"I don't believe that," Soobin rolls his eyes.

"I don't care."

"Come on, Beomgyu! What's the deal? And how about Kai?" Soobin actually lets himself sound worried this time because he really was, furrowing his brows as Kai's laugh from the living room rang in his ears.

Soobin saw the look in Kai's eyes when he said those words that night, those defeated shoulders and his quiet voice, "He means the world to me. But if he's not happy with me, I'll willingly let him go."

Beomgyu stopped on his tracks, sighing and looking deep in thought when he responds, "We're all just friends, hyung."

Soobin urged him to continue, to tell him more.

"We're all friends. Since the start, we should've just stayed as that, don't you think? So now, well, here we are," Beomgyu shrugs.

"But how about what you feel? What they feel?" Soobin frowns.

"There's no point dwelling in them, hyung," Beomgyu ducked his head down, "Feelings get you fucked."

Soobin sighed, contemplating whether to push more or just drop the subject, "Have you forgiven Taehyun?"

"He explained it to me already," Beomgyu gnaws at his lips, seemingly torned, "I'm not mad anymore but that didn't really erased all the scars, you know, and all the self doubts that manifested during that time."

Soobin stood up, grabbing the fruits on Beomgyu's hand to peel them himself, "It's okay. Take your time. Someone told me this— that you won't be happy if you'll continue holding onto things that make you sad. Forgive yourself too. I don't know what really happened but I could only hope that you'll find it in yourself to love you too."

Beomgyu watched him, smiling gently, "Woah, that's deep, where did you get all those quotes from? Internet?"

Soobin laughs at the teasing remark, "Came from experiences," he winks at him.

Beomgyu pretends to gag before rolling his eyes, "Does that apply to you too?"

Soobin stops to ponder about it for a while, finding it easy to laugh and say yes because, "I'm happy, Beomgyu."

The younger stared at him for a while with a smile on his face before rolling his eyes again and turning his attention to the task at hand, "I can see that."

Even though Beomgyu gave him a dismissive shrug, Soobin can hear the gentle delight in his voice.

Before Soobin exited the kitchen, he asks Beomgyu, "What you really want to do for now, Beomgyu?"

Beomgyu looks at him, blinking before flashing a grin, "I want to feel happy by myself before I can be with happy with someone else, hyung."

Soobin laughs at him, "That's deep, where did you get all those quotes from? Internet?" He mocks before continuing seriously, "That's amazing to hear."

When all them ate dinner that night, Soobin felt younger, like he was transported back to the days it was just the five of them. He remembered all the their troubles together, ditching classes, going to arcade, even tresspassing their school grounds at night, sleepovers, game nights, movie nights, it all came back to him. He doesn't even remember the reason of their fallout anymore as he sat there, listening to Kai tell a story about his visit in Spain and Taehyun joking about dancer's block, hearing Beomgyu laugh when Yeonjun threw another dad joke that wasn't really all that funny but the attempt was appreciated.

It was home. It was family.

Soobin used to think that it would be hard to reconnect again, to rekindle relationships that were long dead anymore but he realizes that it has never been so hard when it comes to these people.

They're no longer struggling college students anymore, they're adults, grown ups who changed along with time and it's okay. Soobin isn't afraid of changes anymore, he felt like he can finally embrace it.

They're not who they used to be years ago and maybe, just this once, change is good.

When it was just Soobin and Yeonjun, they try the hardest to make up for the lost time.

They are two souls standing outside Yeonjun's balcony, they are tens of floors above ground and there's no stars in the sky but Soobin still feels breathless standing beside one.

Yeonjun looks gorgeous. Like a star.

Soobin told him that.

Yeonjun bites his lip, rolling his eyes to hide the way he blushed at the sudden compliment but Soobin still grins because he looks pretty with that pink blush tainting his full cheeks. Soobin can't help himself but cup his cheeks and hold his face close that only further made Yeonjun more flustered.

"I know that already."

Soobin chuckles, "You do?"

Yeonjun breathily mutters a yes as Soobin gave his lips a peck.

"Thank you," Soobin imprints the words to Yeonjun's forehead as he lands a peck there and then to Yeonjun's temple.

"What for?" Yeonjun asks as his fingers slowly encircle around Soobin's wrist.

"For understanding, for always being patient, for waiting," Soobin says each word with every kiss to Yeonjun's skin, every part of his face, "For everything."

Soobin kisses Yeonjun's jaw before pulling away.

Yeonjun pecks Soobin's wrist as he says, "No need to mention how amazing of a boyfriend I am," he smirks against Soobin's skin before dropping the younger's hand.

Rolling his eyes, Soobin puts his hands instead around the older's waist, drawing him as close as possible, "Don't be too cocky."

Yeonjun responds with a bright laugh.

Soobin watches him with a smile, wondering how the fuck does he got so lucky to land himself such an incredible lover, ethereal too. He must've saved a country in his past life or something.

"What's with the stare?" Yeonjun asks him, grinning as he bops his boyfriend's nose, "It's like.." Yeonjun trails off.

"Like what?" Soobin raises a brow.

"Like you're seeing me for the first time," Yeonjun exhales the words on Soobin's lips, kissing it before moving it to his cheek.

Soobin licks his lips, "I don't know, it's just.. Sometimes I still can't believe you're here," he locks eyes with him, mumbling, "You just.. you're perfect and you deserve the best. Only the best."

Soobin stares at the way Yeonjun's lips slowly tugs into a smile, awed at the way it blossomed. It's like watching the sun rise, or like watching a flower bloom or a butterfly flap its wings. It looks like everything beautiful.

Yeonjun's smile is beautiful.

"Must be why the universe gave me you, I see," Yeonjun smoothly replies, that earned a nose scrunch from Soobin.

"You're such a sap," he pretends to complain even though there are butterflies soaring inside his chest, flapping their wings hard like they wanted their presence to be known more than they already are.

"Says by you," Yeonjun rolls his eyes.

Soobin shrugs, changing the topic because he knows Yeonjun got the point across, "By the way, I'm still wondering."

"About what?" Yeonjun gnaws at his lips and Soobin's eyes followed the movement.

"What Beau Ciel meant."

"I told you to learn French."

"I want to know it from you," Soobin reasons out even though he knows already but he still wants to hear it from Yeonjun, to hear the words come from him directly.

Yeonjun playfully sighs, pinching Soobin's cheeks, "Beau Ciel means beautiful sky."

Soobin smiles teasingly, "Why beautiful sky?"

Yeonjun pretends to think for a second before shrugging, whispering the words, "Because you're beautiful and you're the sky," he averts his eyes, "Everything else is just the weather."

Soobin opts to tease him in order to ask him the question he's been holding since the very start, "Why am I the sky?"

Yeonjun pulls away from him and Soobin lets him, staring at his face as the older tips his head to look at the night sky.

He looks back at Soobin briefly, lacing their hands together.

"Because the sky was always there. It never went away. Whether it's sunny, or rainy... it's just there."

Frowning, Soobin wonders, "And what that has got to do with me?"

Yeonjun chuckles and squeezes his hand, "Sometimes, the sky is clear, void of clouds, I used to think that it's you when you're content. When you're down, the sky cries. When you're happy, the sky is just as bright. When I was 15, I already knew I'm inlove with you and when I realized that, I was looking up at the sky and now, whenever I look at you, I remember the beautiful sky that made me realize the first time I fell for you."

Words fail Soobin as he stares at Yeonjun, speechless. He feels overwhelmed and deeply, hardly in love as he watches Yeonjun throw him a look.

"I guess, the simple reason is that— you're just as beautiful as the sky."

Yeonjun meets his eyes when he still fails to utter a reply. In the end, all Soobin was able to formulate as a response was, "Sap."

Yeonjun laughs.

Soobin kisses him sweet that night. He doesn't want to let this man go ever.

They said that before going into relationship, you must find yourself first. Love yourself before giving love to someone else. Complete yourself first before completing someone else's life. Know yourself before learning another person's heart.

Those are true, of course because how could mend someone's heart when you're shattered yourself?

But that's not the case with Soobin. Because while he's learning to love himself, Yeonjun was there.

Maybe, sometimes, people can't heal alone. Sometimes, other people are meant to complete you in one way or another. Soobin is lucky that Yeonjun was that someone to him.

Because there are times that meeting the right person can complete you or make you feel as though you are.

Soobin hears the screams again and the staffs are all in disarray, signaling him to get ready as lights turned off and the beat of the music only grows louder.

It took another two weeks after he was free to plan and rehearse a concert tour.

Now that he's finally standing on stage again, after weeks of being away from the limelight. He realizes that this is his life now. Has been for long a while.

He missed the chill and adrenaline that rushes through his veins when he's standing on stage. The burning feeling of eyes on him that was both an overwhelming— yet welcoming sensation.

5... 4...

Soobin thought that after the scandal, he won't be able to pull himself together again. He felt so scared that there would be no fans to return to anymore.

3...

Right now, hearing all the screams, the staffs' voices, the music and the hard pounding of his heart, he feels so alive more than he had ever felt.

2...

Soobin no longer have to put on a mask when he goes to the stage, he no longer have to get in the skin of someone he isn't anymore. Because this is him. This is Soobin. Both an idol and a lover.

There's nothing else he should be. Nothing else he had to be.

1...

Soobin feels a smile tug at his lips too at the very knowledge that the people he cared about are all there, waiting for him. They're here and they're going to watch him because there's nowhere else they'd rather be than here.

Soobin touches the bracelet around his wrist.

Cue!

The LED screen opened and the screams of the fans are much louder now. The spotlight turned to him and it blinds him for a second before he embraced the light, lets it touch every part of his body, every crevice.

He doesn't let it burn because as the music starts, he gives it his all when he opens his mouth to sing.

Soobin is happy to be so, so alive.

(Epilogue:

"Okay, but where are we going?"

Yeonjun quickly mutters an apology when Soobin trips. He doesn't really sound sorry and if Soobin isn't wearing a blindfold, he would've already given the older a glare because it has been the third time he tripped!

Yeonjun was originally supposed to guide him since it's his genius idea to cover Soobin's eyes while they go somewhere Yeonjun insisted to go, but he only seems to be pulling Soobin — which is a very terrible thing to do, considering that they're in a beach - a private resort - and there are literally lots of things Soobin could tripped on.

"Hold up!" Soobin stops walking and pulls Yeonjun's hand to stopped him too.

"Love, I know today's our third anniversary and you're excited — I get it! I really do but is it necessary to cover my eyes?" Soobin channels as much aegyo as he can to his voice to coax Yeonjun into taking off his blindfold because if he's being honest, the little thing is starting to annoy him.

Yeonjun is probably smiling so wide right now and he hates that he can't see that right now.

"Of course, it adds fun," Yeonjun excitedly says, pulling him again and Soobin exasperatedly sighed before letting the older anyways.

Whatever. What's a little suffering for Yeonjun's happiness.

Thankfully, for the rest of the walk (that only lasted for quiet 8 minutes), Soobin didn't fall on his face this time. Seems like gravity is cooperating to Yeonjun's plan.

The sand beneath his toes are refined and Soobin mildly realizes that he's only wearing shorts and sleeveless shirt. He's not even wearing a sleepers, barefooted — and blindfolded as he feels Yeonjun scoot closer to him.

Whispering on Soobin's ear, Yeonjun slowly uncovers the idol's eyes, "I prepared something."

Soobin slowly flutters his eyes open, blinking several times to adjust to the lights before the view before him actually starts registering. There's a candlelight table in the porch of the cabin they are checked in, stripped lights decorated lithelessly around the whole place that only adds beauty to the dusk.

The sun had long set already and the night sky was complimented with the lights and candles on what seems to be a walkway towards the table.

Soobin's lips parted, looking at Yeonjun with pure, unadulterated suprise on his face, "I -"

Yeonjun laughs at him and taps his chin to close his mouth, "I'm amazing, I know."

Soobin grins at him amusedly, letting Yeonjun pull him towards the table.

"You are," he easily agrees as he settles on the chair.

There are foods already laid out on the table, seafood and various other dishes Soobin hasn't seen before until now.

"I'm aware," Yeonjun winks at him playfully, "You're lucky."

Soobin could only do nothing but scoff.

Yeah, that Soobin is.

"I thought we agreed on not doing anything for each other this time?" Soobin cocks a brow at his boyfriend, who only smiles innocently as him.

"Oh no, I didn't remember agreeing," Yeonjun shrugs.

Soobin shakes his head and laughs.

They ate dinner, that turned out to be all cooked and prepared by Yeonjun himself, and Soobin breathlessly thanked him for with a, "Thank you, love," that sounds so, so endeared.

They've been together for a long time and up until today, Soobin still hasn't ceased falling for the man sitting in front of him right now.

There had been hard times with Yeonjun. It was a struggle keeping their relationship private, with Soobin being an idol, constantly under the attention of people and media. But they made it work. Despite all the rumors that never really saw the light.

He had heard a lot of things from people. Words from others can be quite powerful, influential that even though Soobin knows he shouldn't accept them, sometimes, he would find himself succumbing into them. But Yeonjun has always been there for him and he, to him.

It wasn't easy to be with someone like Soobin but Yeonjun stayed firmly beside him, holding his hand just as tight and always, always patient.

Soobin leans his crossed arms on the table as he tilts his head, seizing Yeonjun across table when he says, "What would you do if I propose to you right now?"

Yeonjun looks at him and freezes, almost like he's struck by the sudden question. Before Soobin could take the words back, he meets Soobin's eyes, "Why? Are you going to propose?"

Suddenly feeling shy, Soobin scratches the lobes of his ear, "It's a rhetorical question."

Yeonjun stares at him hard for few more seconds before he flashes a smile to Soobin, "I'd say yes."

Soobin stops on his tracks, blinking and gulping as the air between them shifts.

There's no music around them, but the crashing of the waves sounds like melody. It's night time but Soobin feels like everything's bright right at the moment. Yeonjun and him are not touching but their souls are touching — has been, since the start and Soobin got his feet firm on the sand but he feels like he's still falling.

Deeper.

"Marry me?" Soobin holds his breath when Yeonjun slowly nods his head.

"Thought you'll never ask," Yeonjun kids.

Soobin laughs, feeling his heart settling inside his chest.

If being with Yeonjun taught him one thing, it's that love isn't always the grandest of things.

It's not always giddy smiles, loud laughter or dates outside. It's not always the hard thumping of heart or the fast heartbeats. Love isn't always loud.

It's home. It's the smiles shared before going to bed, the looks of affection from across the room or the calming voice of each other through the line.

Love, among many things, is someone.

Soobin stares at the love of his life sitting across him, gorgeous even when he's just breathing there.

The moon walks down the sky with stars in his hands that night.

*

[BREAKING/EXCLUSIVE] Record-Breaker Soloist Choi Soobin announced engagement with his non-celebrity partner of 3 years