Chapter Text
Once Rei arrived at his apartment, at two thirty, he got to work. He checked his messages, used the bathroom, and got changed into more casual attire. Then, he went to the kitchen, where he put the orchid on the counter. Rei poured snacks into assorted bowls, and used the groceries he bought to make a small batch of salmon sandwiches. It was what he would have made at the café, had he not changed his mind.
The sandwiches he put in the fridge for later, along with the bottle of champagne. He could have those in the evening, when he was ready for them. It took a couple of trips, but Rei managed to set up the balcony the way he planned.
A thick blanket spread on the concerte, weighed down by books, snacks, some sparkling water, and his old cell phone. Rei settled on the blanket, cradling the most important item, his most prized possession. An old photo in a worn frame, the only physical photo he had of Hiromitsu. Really, it belonged to him, Rei just took it after everything happened. It wasn’t a bad picture. It had them both smiling, arms around each other, at a park. Hiro got some passerby to take it. They were younger then. Rei didn’t even really recognize himself anymore.
“Hello, my love.” Rei said to the photo, not caring if he sounded ridiculous. He stroked the glass with his knuckle, and smiled with no shortage of sadness. “How are you?”
After a shuddering breath, he gently set the photo down, and started to chat. About the little things, the things he wished they could talk about. Nothing serious, just the ordinary things couples talked about. He told Hiro about the weather, what he cooked recently, and other random such tidbits. Once he finished his report, Rei turned to the books he bought. Hiro’s favorites. Also the new volume of the manga they both read. He had quite the collection of it now.
“Oh right,” Rei said, setting down his book as a memory suddenly came to him. He swallowed down his mouthful of pretzels (one of Hiro’s favorite snacks) and laughed. “There was this group of teenagers at the café last week. Man, did seeing them take me back.”
“They were just talking about cars, sports, classes, the people they had crushes on…it was just like us in high school. Well. They probably had crushes on girls, but you get what I mean. God, I wonder what our old high school buddies are up to now…”
Rei took a moment to imagine that, before another thought came to him. A less pleasant one.
“I visited Date’s grave a while ago.” Rei said, words lost to the howl of the wind tearing past. “Hard to believe he’s been dead a year already, huh?”
A terrible realization fell upon him then. Hiro was dead, as was Date. Matsuda and Hagiwara were too. And that meant that…he was the last one left. Some part of him always knew that, but now all Rei could feel was guilt. A cloak of guilt pushing down on him.
Why was he the last one standing? What on Earth had he done to deserve being alive? Yes, Rei knew he was smart, and capable, and all sorts of other things. But he also knew that Hiro, Date, Mastuda, and Hagiwara were all those things and more. So why was he alive now? Why wasn’t it one of them instead?
Just when he was feeling something starting to bubble inside, Rei knocked the bottle of sparkling water over. He watched it spill on his lap for a moment, before remembering that it shouldn’t be doing that.
“Shit!” Rei swore, snatching the bottle up. It was mostly empty now, so he finished it off before standing up. Looking at his watch, he noticed it was much later than he thought. It looked like it might even rain later. And that he was cold. And hungry.
With all of these things in mind, he gathered up some of the stuff he brought out. The books, the snacks, the empty bottle; Rei dropped all that off inside before getting a warmer jacket. He could have just moved inside, but he liked feeling the breeze.
He settled on the blanket again, avoiding the wet spot, and poured himself a cocktail. Scotch and cassi. Rei took a sip and almost choked.
“Ugh,” He spat into the glass, wincing as the taste went down into his taste buds. “Oh Hiro, how could you even drink that?”
Thankfully, Hiro’s other favorite cocktail, scotch, champagne and soda, went down much better. Rei drank it, looking aimlessly at the view. The weather really did turn sour quickly once the sun ducked away. Now it was replaced by a thick layer of heavy gray clouds, and the sounds of wailing winds. Rei shivered in spite of himself, and bit into a sandwich. Given that he had the case of alcohol in his mouth still, it didn’t taste too bad.
“Remember when I first made you these?” Rei asked, looking at the photo again. “It was our first year at university. I was visiting you for the winter break and we went out for dinner.”
Smiling, he set down the sandwich before saying the rest. “When we got back, you said you were still hungry, so I made you some sandwiches in the dorm kitchen. Before you even had one, you thanked me, and leaned over. I don’t know what I thought you were going to do, but it certainly wasn’t kissing me.”
“I can’t believe you played it so cool. You leaned back and ate a sandwich, acting like we kissed a hundred times before.” Laughing, Rei shook his head as he remembered that night. “Of course, that was just the first kiss of many. Oh God, do I ever miss kissing you…”
Feeling another stab of guilt, Rei tried to bury it with some more sandwiches. By the time he finished the plate, his stomach hurt and the feelings still hadn’t gone away. Sighing, he pulled the picture into his lap, looking at it some more. As he stroked a fingertip against Hiro’s smile, something snapped inside.
Rei hadn’t cried in years. He didn’t even know why he started now, but the tears started to flow. Something about looking at this picture, really looking at it, made him realize how much they lost. He cried, feeling his heart ache from the weight of these memories. They were supposed to be happy ones, happy remnants of their life together, but now they were just a sign of what they could have been.
Abruptly, tears still in his eyes, Rei stood up, and went to the railing of the balcony. Looking out through his wet eyes, he mindlessly lit a cigarette and took a drag.
“Sorry,” He sniffled through the steady stream of tears pouring down his face. Leaning against the balcony, Rei watched as his smoke trailed off into nothing. “I know you didn’t like smoking. It’s a bad habit I picked up, that’s all.”
He couldn’t say anymore. It was just making him cry more. The worst part was, he knew he shouldn’t be feeling like this. Rei never felt sad about Hiromitsu, because he knew Hiro wouldn’t want him to be sad. But as he smoked, Rei also knew that really, Hiro wouldn’t want him feeling angry, or guilty. He felt those a lot. It was what fueled his determination for justice, and that determination kept him from just giving up on everything.
Once he finished the cigarette, he dug into his pocket, and pulled out the phone he brought out. It was an old one, the one he used in high school. He kept it charged, although he never used it, just in case it was important. Now, it was important.
Standing there, one hand dangling over the railing, Rei looked through his old texts. They texted a lot back then. Not so much at the beginning, that was mostly Hiro asking him questions and him giving dead end answers. But then Hiro wore him down, and that’s when they really became friends. They texted each other for hours, late into the night, even when they were seeing each other in school the next day.
Rei scrolled through all those years together until his thumb started to hurt and his eyes started to burn. Before he slipped it back into his pocket, Rei pressed it to his heart with one hand. Eyes trained on the view, he tried not to cry. But as the warmth from the phone seeped through his jacket, it was a futile effort. The tears flowed stronger than ever. They didn’t know what was going to happen to them. Back then the worst thing was an unexpected math quiz or a case of the flu.
“I miss you,” Rei said, words thick from emotion. “I miss you so much it hurts. You could have done so much more. We could have been so much more. Could you imagine, me being able to call you my husband? Us going old together? I would have loved you every second of every day. I still do, even if you’re gone.”
Phone back in his pocket, Rei gripped the railing with both hands, willing his tears to stop. He didn’t need to cry this much. He didn’t need to feel that twist of sadness around his heart. He knew that he wouldn’t ever forget Hiro, or what happened to him. So why was his body giving him all these damn reminders?
Still squeezing the railing, so hard he was losing feeling in his hands, Rei willed himself to breathe. With shaking exhales, he stared out at the foreboding weather, and felt his heart rate go back to normal. There. He had to remain stable or else he would do something stupid. Frankly, he was thinking that this day of remembrance was sort of stupid. How was looking back at everything supposed to help him with what he wanted to do? He wanted Shuichi Akai dead, and the Black Organization destroyed. Those were reasonable, if long term, goals.
All this remembering just made Rei want his boyfriend back. He wanted Hiromitsu back. Not as a martyr, a victim, or a great police officer, but as his friend and as his lover. It was a childish wish, one that Rei knew couldn’t come true. Still, he closed his eyes, let go of the railing, and wished.
Rei hadn’t even gotten his thoughts in order when he felt a raindrop land on his nose. Startled, he opened his eyes and watched the sky start to open. He stepped back, under the overhang, and watched as torrents of rain came crashing down. The sound was deafening, especially when it was joined by growls of thunder. Once he saw a flash or two of lightning, Rei decided to head back inside and make some coffee.
He took some time to organize everything, as he waited for the coffee. The blanket went in the wash, the photo on the table, the empty sandwich plate in the sink, liquor on the counter. After everything was relatively tidy, he poured a cup of coffee, with a generous dose of scotch.
Drink in hand, Rei sat at the kitchen table, sipping at it. His watch told him it was only half past seven. His mind thought it was so much later. There was still a lot of time left in the evening. Hell, he could even go out. Find some bar and someone stranger to hook up with…wouldn't be that difficult.
Rei pushed the half full mug away. All this scotch was making him nauseous. Or maybe it was the idea of having sex with someone else. He had barely looked at anyone in that way since Hiro died. Maybe this was another bodily reaction to his emotional state. Something twisted in the pit of his stomach. Oh. No, forget the sentimental stuff, this was definitely the scotch.
His reflexes kicked in, just in time, and Rei made it to the bathroom before he vomited. Twice. Once he was finished, and rinsed his mouth out, Rei collapsed to the floor. Feeling the cold tile under his sweaty palms, he forced himself to breathe. In and out. The room looked like it was swimming. He closed his eyes. Oh, he would be feeling this in the morning.
Apart from when he had a stomach virus in the winter, Rei hadn’t thrown up in ages. When he first started drinking, actually. Took a while to build up his tolerance. Hiromitsu was even worse. When they first went drinking during the academy days, it only took him a beer to get tipsy. Then he had some shots, and he was absolutely wasted. Rei sighed, remembering how affectionate Hiro got when he got drunk. That was when they had the best cuddles, since Hiro just sort of melted against him. Those were great nights. Not good mornings afterwards, but great nights.
Feeling his head starting to clear, Rei opened his eyes, and hoisted himself from the floor. After a moment of fumbling in the medicine cabinet, he got a handful of tablets and pills. This sort of cure worked when he was younger. Rei honestly didn’t know if it would work now, but it was his best idea. One swig of water later and he swallowed them with ease. He waited, to see if he'd throw up again, and left the bathroom.
He poured the rest of his drink out into the sink. A waste of liquor, yes, but he did not want to throw up again tonight. Although he was feeling a low buzz coursing in him, Rei ignored it, and did the dishes instead. That made him think of the café. It would still be open now, but the dinner rush would have finished. Hopefully those cakes they made held up well. It felt like a month since they made those, even though it was less than a day ago. Time felt weird these days.
Once he finished the dishes, Rei took another shower. Sure he already had one this morning, but that was to wake up. Now, he wanted to sleep. And he should wash his hair. After getting his pajamas, otherwise known as sweatpants, Rei turned on the shower. Full heat.
Soon the red hot water was stinging at his skin, and he breathed in the resulting steam. Most people swore by cold showers to get sober, but Rei always loved using steam to clear his head. Not to mention, it never failed to make him exhausted afterwards. Sure enough, by the time he towelled off and slipped on his nightwear, all Rei wanted to do was collapse into bed.
He would have done so, if it wasn’t dripping wet.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rei muttered to himself, glaring at the water pooled on his pillow. It dripped steadily down onto the bedspread, and likely seeped into the sheets underneath.
He heard a whistle of wind, and glanced up to the window, right above his bed. Sure enough, it blew open in the wind, causing a steady stream of water to drip onto his bed. He closed the window, and then looked at his bed.
The scotch wasn’t exactly helping him think things through, so he took him a moment to come up with a course of action. Rei got a towel to dry off the windowsill, and soak up some of the water on his bed covers. With that, he stripped the bed, and dropped the water soaked load into the washing machine. He set it to the shortest cycle, before returning to his bedroom.
Head pounding from the effort, he sat on the edge of the bed. It had been quite the day, and now it was catching up to him. Every part of his body ached for some reason or another; even his hands were dry from all the damn dishes.
After a couple of minutes of general moping around and feeling sorry for himself, Rei stood up. He needed to take some action already. Enough of all these thoughts and feelings and wishes. Action made sense, it was logical and it gave results. That’s what he needed.
He looked at the bed again; the water didn’t seep into the mattress, thankfully, so that was fine. The rain still was pouring outside, but as long as it didn’t go inside, he didn’t care. Rei winced as his stomach made an unpleasant gurgling noise. Right. He was drunk. Better deal with that.
Rei spent the rest of the night, on the couch, eating bread. And drinking water. Also he read, checked his messages, and generally made sure he was prepared for tomorrow. He had an assignment with Vermouth, something to do with insurance fraud. Although he read the brief five times, Rei still didn’t know why the hell they were doing this. It was a real pain too, filling out so many forms about everything he did; one copy for the organization, and another for the bureau. A side effect of getting justice, in at least semi legal parameters; there’s a lot of paperwork.
The laundry chimed, saying the washing cycle finished. He swallowed the last bite of bread before standing to deal with it. His cure seemed to be working, for now, his headache was barely there. After putting the sheets into the dryer, he settled back on the couch and read. It felt good to focus on the words, and helped him calm down.
His emotions were all out of sorts still, and his eyes burned from the amount of tears he cried. He took this day to feel better, but right now he felt lower than ever. Rei looked over at the kitchen table. His high school phone was still sitting there, and there was one last thing he could with it tonight.
He had voicemails. From Hiro.
On one hand, listening to those would probably make things even worse. On the other, he really wanted to hear Hiro’s voice. So, against his better judgement, he sat down at the table, and played back those voicemails.
Hey, Furuya! Do you know what the math homework is? I thought it was problems fourteen to twenty five, but Izumi says it’s ten to twenty. Let me know!
Hope the dentist was alright. It was weird not having you in class…take care! We’ll eat sweets when you can, okay?
Happy birthday, Zero! I bet you thought I didn’t know, huh? Can’t pull one over on me! The guys and I got you a cake, so you better come over!
He listened to years of messages, spanning through their high school relationship. The ones that weren’t from Hiro, he deleted ages ago. He didn’t even remember his classmates now. When he ran out of messages, Rei put the phone down. That wasn’t satisfying enough. It still felt like he was missing something. With a sigh that he felt within his bones, Rei made a choice. A choice to go further in this path of memories.
He got the SD card hidden in his bedside table’s drawer, and slotted it into his old phone. Best not to use his business one. Just in case someone had that tracked. He really should look into that…for now, he had some more memories.
First, the messages from university, first year. They didn’t go to the same one, since Hiro wanted to go to Nagano, and Rei got into Tokyo University. It was a weird time. Still, Rei smiled at those memories, and started to listen.
Hey, Zero! You better be getting good grades over there, or else I’m not going to visit you this weekend! I’ve got a lab report, so I’m going to hit the library. Missing you, study buddy.
Hah, I bet you forgot your phone somewhere again. I just wanted to say goodnight, but you’ll probably get this in the morning. So, good morning!
They spent winter break together that year, so the messages stopped. But that’s when they got together, a week after a disastrous double date with their then girlfriends. In the new year, the voice mails sounded different.
Good morning! I bet you’re still in bed, sleepyhead. Well, I made it to my brother’s place! I’ll promise not to tell him about us, although he probably already knows. You know how he is.
Okay, my brother said I should bring you over next time I visit? What do you think, does he know? Should I tell him? Please call me back, this is going to make me break out, you know how I am with stress.
Rei had to laugh at that, just a little bit. Poor Hiro really was at a loss there. Thankfully his brother was tactful enough to let him keep their secret. He stopped laughing, once he thought a bit more about it. They would be a secret forever now. It felt both freeing and unsettling.
He skipped past the rest of the ones from their university years, in favor of getting to where they joined the police academy. Rei’s heart clenched as he listened to the voices of Mastuda, Hagiwara, and Date in passing. He didn’t want to dwell on them, not tonight.
Since they spent most of their time together at the academy, there weren’t a lot of messages from Hiro. Well, there were a few, but mostly about training exercises and general group plans. There was one in particular, however, two messages that brought back some memories.
Rei, my gorgeous boyfriend, I miss you so much! I miss your beautiful face and your lovely voice and your funny fucking sass and I wish I was by your side right now… please come pick me up, I miss you.
Matsuda here. Uh, so, Morofushi’s drunk? Like really drunk. I don’t know how he got so drunk. Hell, I’m pretty drunk. We’re getting a taxi back, see you in ten. Also you two are dating or something now? Geez, no one tells me shit. You better give me the whole story, aight? Also make some coffee.
Rei had to put his phone down, he was laughing so hard. That was quite the night…he stayed in residence, trying to study for a midterm, while everyone else went drinking. Hagiwara and Date somehow split from the group, and well, Hiro got plastered. And drunk called him. At one in the morning. And that’s how Hiro accidentally outed himself to their squad members.
It could have gone worse, really. Once everyone sobered up, they all talked it through. None of them really minded. Hagiwara was even thrilled about it, since it meant more ladies for him. They agreed to keep it quiet from the rest of their class, and swore to keep that promise to the grave.
They did.
With that unpleasant realization in mind, Rei turned to the last section of messages. They weren’t undercover then, so they still were able to talk on the phone, and have people over. Still, his stomach twisted once he realized what the last message was going to be. Part of him wanted to give up, and call it a night. But he had come this far. It was time to finish it.
Hey, Zero, do you mind picking up some snacks on your way back? The guys want to see our place and we ate...everything. Oh, and tea! We’re out of tea…ah, hurry back please? They’re going to be here soon!
I hope work is going alright, but don’t get anything to eat, alright? I’m making us dinner tonight, you fav- oh shit, damn, the beef is going to burn, I gotta go!
Those were the good days. Well, sort of good days. They had to prove themselves to higher ups while also keeping their relationship a secret and dealing with a hundred other things. But they were able to hold each other at night. Whenever Hiro woke up from a nightmare, Rei always held him closer. They never really talked about it, but that’s what they did, always.
Until the day that came to an end.
Two messages left. Rei ingrained both into his memory a long time ago. With a sigh, and a brief bout of indecision, he let the first one play.
It started with silence, then distant sounds of traffic. Then, came a bout of panicked breathing, and someone running. Finally, the words.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! Shit, Rei! Answer your phone, I need you here!
The tears were falling again, silently rolling down his cheeks. Rei barely noticed them. He played the next, and final, message. The audio was horrible quality, the voice got distorted beyond belief, and the words kept dropping. Rei knew it by heart.
Sorry Furuya…they found out that I’m PSB…it seems that I can only flee to.. the afterlife…see you…Zero.
Rei let the phone fall onto the table, as he felt his soul tear itself apart. He sobbed, his chest heaving the weight of his anguish. It hurt, on all levels. He couldn’t see through his tears, his throat burned and his chest ached from the force of his sobs. It felt awful, the true lowest point of his misery.
He would never hold Hiro again. They would never cook together, or watch a movie, or go for a walk. Hell, they never got around to having sex, and now they never could. Rei didn’t even know if he wanted that, but now he could never know.
There were an infinite number of things they lost. Rei was ready to sit there and think about them all, but the dryer chimed. His sheets were dry. Somewhere, amongst all the sadness and regret, he felt tired. And Rei stood up, and felt every thought melt away. He was in his own bubble, separate from reality, and in that bubble, he was numb.
Rei couldn’t remember what happened next. One moment he was sitting down in the kitchen, the next, he was in his freshly made up bed. He could feel that his face was washed, he brushed his teeth, and went to the bathroom. The lights were off, and his bedside table lamp glowed. The front door was locked, his bedroom door was closed, and he was ready for bed.
He turned off the lamp, and melted into the sheets. All his emotions and thoughts were gone. Even his rage, which had been a constant flame within him for years, burnt out. In a way, it was thrilling. This was it, he didn’t have to think, or feel, or cry, or scream. This was it.
Then, he turned on his side, and held a pillow to his chest. His half closed eyes flew open at that. The simple action had awakened a dormant memory, one he didn’t think of since it happened.
Four years ago. He had to leave Hiro’s corpse with Akai on that roof, since he couldn’t figure out what to say to warrant taking it. Honestly, Rei didn’t even know what he would have done with the body. So, he left. He went home.
He shared an apartment with Hiro; since they were low level when they started, they slipped under the radar. As he walked up the stairs that night, Rei knew he would have to move. It would look suspicious. This would be his last night here.
Opening the door, and turning on the lights made Rei realize just what he lost. Signs of Hiro were everywhere; his shoes in the cupboard, his jacket on a chair, his half filled coffee mug on the counter. Stepping lightly on the familiar floor, he went into their room, laid on their bed. Face on the pillow, he breathed in.
It smelled like Hiro’s cologne. That’s when Rei let himself start to cry. He spent the rest of that night clutching that damn pillow.
Now, four years later, he was clutching another pillow. He wasn’t crying. Enough tears had been shed that night. It was time to focus.
“I will bring you justice,” Rei spoke, quietly, into the night.
The words were true, but yet it didn’t feel like what he needed to say, to Hiro. After a moment of thought, and another tug on his heart, Rei whispered what he really wanted to say.
“I love you.”