Chapter Text
Hello, Nana
Good morning, Nana. I read your letter the other night and I already know you won't be able to see this. However, I should come off as honest with you too, Jaemin-ah. You're not the only one that should be sorry, Nana. I'm sorry too. I couldn't respect your privacy whenever you wanted me to. I shouldn't have bugged you the way I did once. I never noticed the way your eyes would linger upon me for longer, the way you closed your mouth after you open it whenever I turn at you. My mouth spilled words of Renjun, never noticing your sarcastic, tired smiles that I oh, so, miss. I wish I was there to take back all the harsh words I told you. I wish I never told you that you weren't worth it of being loved when it was clearly my fault for trying to force a story out of you.
I hope you're happy, Nana. I wish you would've gave me a call, I wish that I could be by your side. I would hold your hand the way I did in kindergarten when we went to our class. I remember your smile, I wish I would've been more sensitive to how you feel and not victimize myself to the world to make you seem incompetent, arrogant, and selfish. If only I would've been, we both would've made it together out whether we still loved each other or not. I always felt guilt in my heart whenever I talked behind your back, spilling your secrets and making people go against you and then pretend to be by your side whenever you'd come to me, crying your heart out. I wish I would've been more mature, willing to work the problem out instead of forcing myself on you, putting my words into your mouth and taking things you say in the wrong way.
Sometimes, I reminisce your crying face and my heart turns heavy, knowing that I was the cause of it all from behind the scenes. If I could go back in time, I would've gave us another chance, Jaemin-ah. Jaemin-ah, please know you'll always be in a part of my heart. Even if my heart belongs to someone else now, just know I still nevertheless value you so much. I wish I would've looked back earlier to see the way you cried when I broke up with you upon the fountain that was once our favorite spot and run over to comfort you. To bring you into my embrace once again, to tell you that even if it was hard, I would've been willing to try again. That I still loved you romantically upon the time.
I wished that we both would've have the courage. I was restricted by my anger, my insensitive side that pushed you far off the line. Now, I think back about it, I didn't even know how you would tolerate me. I remember all my words I spewed in a moment of frustration, I wish I could take it back. You're not a burden, Jaemin-ah. You were never someone I considered that would stress me. Your presence always seem to calm me down, but I could never seem to hold myself back from yelling at you for no reason. Nana, why did you even tolerate me? Why couldn't yell at me and scream at me the way I did the same? You always held yourself back even if you saw red. All those broken plates were plates I broke and you would watch me, expressionless with a sadness in your eyes I only now pick up upon.
I still remember the way people's faces lit up in disgust or amusement whenever I made up something to them about you, spreading it around to their friends and making you look as bad as possible. The way you would begin to have a cap or a hoodie on as the rumors progressed, but still managed to listen to my rants about Injunnie. There was also one time, I saw your body shaking, alone on the rooftop trying to muffle your sobs; I watched silently. I wished I would've gotten up and comforted you, told you that everything was going to be okay. That I would finally be honest with you and told you that I'm sorry when I still had the chance to. If I could take all the words I said of you behind you back, I would've within a heartbeat.
You were so worth it, Jaemin-ah. You're worth it of everything, you're a gem. I can still remember the your eyes light up whenever I told you that I'd love you to the end of the world. I would still love you to the end of the world, Jaemin-ah. Platonic or not. I wish you were here with me, that you would've told me where you rested. Do you still remember the fake flower bouquet you gave me on our first date? The way you sheepishly smiled at me while I laughed at how cute your antics were, that the flowers that you made were so beautiful. I told Injun and he understood, he delicately took the flowers you made and put them in a vase to showcase them, Jaemin-ah. I still have the paper you wrapped the flowers in, Nana.
I still have our pictures, from diapers to the end of our friendship. I still have them in photo cases, photo books to look back on whenever I can't control the tears that streamed down my face. I still see the big smiles on your faces when we both were okay. Your smiles used to always reach your eyes, but now, I can never see a tint of happiness in your eyes again because I can only go off upon pictures now. Your smiled is now an engraved image in my heart and a printed image physically. I can never see it with my own eyes again unless I meet you in my dreams, Nana.
Please don't worry about me, Jaemin. I'm fine and thank you. No matter how long we're apart, you'd never be a stranger to me. Me and Renjun are happy together, Jaemin-ah. We're both happy, Nana; but that isn't the point here because no matter how happy I am, I can never get over or be fully happy over the fact that you spent years crying over me. I wish I would've tried to understand, Nana. I wished I would've introduced you to other people to help you move on and happy, Jaemin.
I love you so much, I really do.
In another universe, maybe we'd work out; but here, our love is full of caution tape, glass hearts, and us, stuck in a moment.
If we could work out, would you give me your hand another time? Would you look at me the way you do?
Thank you, Jaemin-ah. May you rest in peace,
Jeno Lee.
Jeno's eyes slowly shut on his bed, every once in a while turning to the letter to see the smudged ink that made the letter unreadable to the human eye. He could feel tears gather to his eyes, but he made no effort to stop them as Renjun who snuggled close beside him, trying to comfort Jeno who smiled softly yet with an unexplained feeling of sadness in his heart. "Injun-ah." Jeno softly says and Renjun hums. "Could you.." he says and points to the two letters side by side, "burn it?" he asks and Renjun looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. "But, Jen-" "Please." Jeno begged as tears streamed down his cheeks and Renjun frowns as he finally nods, standing up. Renjuns trembling hands grab the letter written to Jeno and the letter written by Jeno.
Renjun hesitated as he stood in front of the small fireplace in their room and he stands upon it.
I'm sorry.
The letters contacts the flame and its content burns to ashes along with the last of Jaemin's remainings.