Chapter Text
It wasn’t like Renjun used Donghyuck as his personal free therapist, but it also wasn’t like him to mope for a whole weekend without ever mentioning what he was moping about. When he flipped another page from the textbook with way to much force on Sunday afternoon, Donghyuck decided he had enough.
“Are you gonna break everything you own before talking about what’s making you upset?”
“Mind your own business.”
“Yeah, fuck you too man,” Donghyuck huffed, and Renjun closed his eyes for a second, embarrassed at his outburst. None of this is Donghyuck’s fault, he reminded himself, and after a deep breath, swiveled carefully on his chair.
“It’s just... about Jaemin,” a sigh “Again.”
Donghyuck didn’t answer right away, but his fingers were frozen against the phone screen, clearly thinking about his next words. “About Jaemin? Not Jeno.”
Renjun frowned, but nodded. “Yeah, Jaemin. Why Jeno?” his roommate shrugged, throwing the phone on the bed and properly sitting up.
“You just haven’t brought Jaemin up in a while, is all,” and it sounded like he wanted to say more, but finished at that, looking at Renjun like he was waiting on him to elaborate about the issue at hand first. “So?”
“He almost kissed me,” Donghyuck’s expression turned to shock in a millisecond, casting his neck forward as Renjun scrambled to justify “I mean, I don’t know if that’s what he wanted to do, like, not sure if that was his intention at all, but. We got really, really close to kissing.”
A moment passed, then another. “Aren’t you dating Jeno now?”
“We’re— it’s not something official—”
“So you’re just still hanging out with him to try being close to Jaemin?”
No, was Renjun’s immediate thought. Definitely not, but that answer would unleash a million little things he purposefully and inadvertently kept to himself about their budding relationship, that he wasn’t entirely ready to face yet.
“Not gonna lie, I just think it’s a bit fucked up that you’re leading him on like that.”
“I’m not leading him on,” but Renjun felt a familiar discomfort in his stomach at the words, and his hands clenched on the desk.
“Is that what you think when you still want to kiss Jaemin?” a sharp intake of breath, and Renjun swallowed his will to cuss Donghyuck out. “I just think it’s hella selfish of you to date Jeno to keep trying to flirt with Jaemin. I actually feel bad for both of them, really, but that’s just my two cents,” Donghyuck shrugged, a curt thing, body language throughly annoyed, and Renjun couldn’t blame him. His roommate had a point, unfortunately — one that Renjun chose to seal in a box and hide it away the moment he felt Jeno’s hug for the first time, on the very same day Jaemin dozed off resting his head on Renjun’s lap, because he didn’t think a person was equipped to feel the things he had and survive unscathed. So he completely avoided the issue, for purely selfish reasons, and was now reaping what he sowed.
Renjun didn’t know if it had anything to do with the tears gathering in his eyes, but the next time Donghyuck spoke he sounded softer, more tired. “This isn’t the call-out you think you are. I want you to be happy doing what makes you happy but, they’re my friends too,” a half smile, Donghyuck’s fingers drumming against the edge of the bed. “I just want you to— sleep on it, ‘kay? It’s long overdue, but it isn’t a change you gotta make overnight.”
Renjun nodded once, twice, a third time, looking at the words in his textbook but not really reading anything. Once he heard Donghyuck settling down on the bed again, Renjun suppressed a sniffle, and excused himself to the bathroom.
He didn’t sleep on it. In fact, he barely waited a full hour after aggressively washing his face twice while crying to rush back into the room and pick up his phone.
hey
The answer came right away, and Renjun had to suppress another sniffle at that.
hey you
when are you coming back
i’m about to catch the second train actually
i’ll be there in 20 minutes. ish?
why?
i’ll wait for you at the station
Jeno’s typing bubble appeared then disappeared, then appeared again. Renjun hiccuped.
mhm that’s good
i already miss you
Renjun threw his phone back on the bed and ran down the corridor to the bathroom again, washing his face for the third time.
Jeno should be arriving on the next train. Renjun swung his feet back and forth on the bench, the station lights above him flickering on as the sun went down. Sunday curfews were slightly earlier than weekdays, but they still had some hours before their dorm parent started making rounds. It was getting too chilly to be out in just a regular jacket, but the heaters next to the bench would only be working the next month.
The automatic voice on the speakers alerted about the train arriving on the northwest platform soon. Renjun had some good forty-five seconds to gather his entire resolve.
When the train came to a halt, it wasn’t hard to spot Jeno out of the grand total of maybe seven people, mostly other students, getting off on that station. It was even easier when his face scrunched up, eyes disappearing into the familiar crescent moons upon spotting Renjun on the bench. He gave a little wave, feeling a sense of misplaced awkwardness he hadn’t felt around Jeno in a long time now.
“Have you been waiting for long?” new tears prickled in Renjun’s eyes as Jeno promptly switched sides of his backpack to offer him a hand. He hesitantly locked his fingers with Jeno’s while standing up.
“Just got here,” and it was quiet, outside the station. The streetlights on the way back to school grounds weren’t on yet, but Jeno looked blinding, smile not leaving his face since the moment he stepped out of the train. Renjun couldn’t stop staring.
“Wanna go for dinner before heading back?” Jeno mistook Renjun’s stare, nudging their connected hands. He shook his head, and Jeno slowed his pace, laughter in his voice. “What’s this for then?”
There were countless better ways to answer that question. Renjun could ask for a minute of Jeno’s time, and properly, fully tell him all that’s been eating him away lately, because he was sure that that, even if Jeno couldn’t understand, he’d still listen. He could also shake his head again, and leave it for another time, when he knew what to say before wondering if it was the right thing fifteen times before saying it. He could slowly tell Jeno in bits and pieces, could let the topic go for good, but at Jeno’s head tilt, Renjun couldn’t take it anymore. Letting go of Jeno’s hand to cup his face, Renjun pressed their lips together.
Surprised for half a second, Jeno stood still. Before Renjun could regret this for his entire life, he raised a bit on his toes, scrunching his eyes close and pressing in again, harder. When he was about to step away and apologize to his past five generations for being such an utter fuck up, he heard the backpack falling on the concrete, and felt Jeno’s hands setting on his waist. Renjun’s eyes flew open at that, and when Jeno leaned in, briefly stopping just before their mouths connected again to look at him, Renjun’s heartbeat faltered.
Kissing Jeno felt exactly like Renjun feared it would feel. He was gentle but insistent, holding Renjun still in place with a comfortable strength that sent shivers down his spine. Lighthearted, too, nuzzling Renjun’s cheek before nibbling his bottom lip, a short smile at the sharp intake of breath, and throughly intoxicating, having him cross his arms behind Jeno’s neck for leverage.
It was only when Jeno moved a hand from Renjun’s back to the crook of Renjun’s neck that he started regaining his senses. Jeno cupped the side of his neck softly, but when he slowly thumbed the underside of his jaw, Renjun felt overwhelmed by the sense of deja vu.
He thought Jeno kissed like Jaemin would.
The misplaced sense of guilt made Renjun turn his face away, breathing hard.
“What’s wrong,” Jeno muttered, still a solid presence around Renjun, and he could clearly see Jeno’s eyebrows knitting slightly without even looking at him. Renjun closed his eyes, head down, fists thumping lightly against Jeno’s chest to let him go. Jeno repeated the question, fingers under Renjun’s chin, and he only lowered his head further, trying to step away. “Jun, talk to me,” Jeno sounded dejected as he loosened his hold and Renjun put two entire steps between them.
“It’s fine,” he picked the backpack up from the ground and raised it to Jeno, still not looking in his eyes. “It’s fine. We better head back soon.”
Jeno took a moment to get his backpack from Renjun, who promptly turned around to keep walking to the dorms. The streetlights were flickering on one by one then, and he felt slightly off balance without Jeno’s hand to hold.
Midterm season was tough enough without being lab partners with the guy he almost kissed, and next row seat mates with the guy he did kiss. And avoiding both.
Renjun didn’t plan it like that. He didn’t plan anything ever, according to Yangyang, but when Jaemin sat on his table Monday morning and Renjun couldn’t even swallow his food, he knew he needed to do something about it.
Doing absolutely nothing is not the same as doing something at all, he thought at one point, and the berating voice inside his head sounded eerily like Donghyuck’s. He was well aware that ignoring his problems wouldn’t make them go away (he wouldn’t even be in that situation if it did), but he desperately needed to put some distance between himself and those roommates to properly think like a regular human being again.
“This is so weird,” Yangyang had muttered as Renjun returned to his seat after a lab session, pretending he didn’t hear Jaemin call his name. “You’re so weird,” and he could only shrug at that.
The week wasn’t even over before Jaemin cornered him after class.
“This is ridiculous,” and Renjun was right, Jaemin was indeed the type to be colder and snarky when angry. He crossed his arms, and Renjun suppressed the urge to put his feet together and lower his head, like a little kid getting scolded. “So you’re just gonna completely ignore me now?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” didn’t sound convincing to his own ears, considering how he’d been acting the past few days. There were dozens of messages read but unanswered in his phone, missed calls and Donghyuck answering their door to say Renjun wasn’t there while he childishly hid behind the bunk beds. He wouldn’t talk to them in class unless it was strictly related to the exercises they were doing, and would rush back to the dorms as soon as the last period bell rang as if he was training for the track and field club. The whole thing was probably a bit more than ridiculous.
Jaemin took a deep breath, uncrossing his arms to run his fingers through his hair in distress, and then cross them again. Renjun didn’t know how he had it in him to find that gesture so devastatingly handsome, considering his situation. “Are you that upset?”
“What?”
“Are you upset that I almost kissed you?” Renjun hurriedly shushed him, looking around to see if there was anyone near. Was Jaemin honestly insane? “So are you?”
“And you’re telling me you knew exactly what you were doing then,” he was mortified by Jaemin being so open and forward while they were in public, but Renjun was still allowed to feel anger at that statement.
Jaemin seemed a bit taken aback at it, arms hesitantly falling beside his body. “I didn’t think you’d be so serious about it.”
Renjun felt like he was running out of air. “So it was a joke to you?” and it was almost like time was suspended at that moment.
There he was, comfortable enough to even have a discussion with his crush of nearly two years in public, when just at the start of the school year he couldn’t even look Jaemin in the eyes. Not only that, but Renjun was also angry at him — and not the hopelessly infatuated, cooing kind where he’d get upset at Jaemin’s general existence for seeming so perfect and unattainable to him. He was seething, wanting nothing more than to punch Jaemin’s square in his surprised face, and keeping that anger up and front in his mind was all Renjun could do to keep himself from breaking down and crying on the spot.
He was angry, very much so, but because he was so utterly devastated he lost his ground for a moment. Admitting to himself he was in love with Jaemin had been such an integral moment in Renjun’s life, that he wasn’t sure what to do with himself at the notion that the singular most important person for him took his affection as joke.
He’d brought it on himself, really. Renjun should’ve kept it a secret from the very beginning, and should’ve waited for it to fade out. It would’ve hurt much less than finding out that, to Jaemin, the idea of wanting Renjun was comical.
“No, that was—”
“Was that funny to you?”
Jaemin sighed, and no, he had absolutely no place there for looking miserable. That was an emotion reserved for Renjun at the moment. “It wasn’t a joke. I meant it so you could realize that the only one you wanted to kiss was Jeno. To make things official.”
“Bullshit,” Renjun spitted. What fucking horrible excuse. “Me and him are more than capable of sorting that out between ourselves, without you meddling.”
“Oh yeah? And what exactly are you sorting by avoiding him like that too?”
“It’s none of your business,” and before Renjun could leave, Jaemin grabbed his wrist, sending the all too familiar pleasant shock all the way up his arm, just like every other time Jaemin touched him. He seriously wanted to cry.
“But it is,” the thing that made the least sense was the desolate look in Jaemin’s eyes when Renjun twisted out of his grasp.
“Why the fuck do you care anyway! It has nothing to do with you!”
Jaemin licked his lips, opening his mouth once, twice, with no sound. Renjun wasn’t about to wait for a third time, but then Jaemin sighed. “I don’t think you’d understand, but I need him to be happy. I’ve never seen him look the way he did when he started getting your letters— he was ready to fall for you before even knowing who you were,” a breath “And, and making sure he would constantly feel like that, that’s the most important thing to me. Above everything else, really, but if it’s so easy for you to throw away all the effort put into getting you two together, and then just fucking discard him like that, and—”
“The letters were for you,” the words tumbled out of his mouth, and Jaemin froze, but he really couldn’t take that anymore.
“What?”
“Those ‘secret admirer’,” his gestures made no sense, but he couldn’t stop talking now “Anonymous love letters, whatever. I wrote them for you, and put in that locker because it was the one I saw you using. I wanted you to know,” a sob broke through Renjun’s throat “That liking you made my days better. They were never meant for Jeno,” and he could feel the warm tears on his cheek, but if he didn’t tell Jaemin all he needed to now, there wouldn’t be another chance. “But that was before I found what a fucking inconsiderate jackass you are, pushing me onto your roommate just because I barely fit whatever grand idea you have for what you think is his happiness,” Jaemin’s face looked slightly distorted through Renjun’s swimming vision, but he didn’t think he’d want to see it clearly at all. He didn’t want to know how badly his words would be received. “I just hope you realize that Jeno can pick himself what he thinks is better for him, and that you really shouldn’t try to ‘mediate’ his relationship, because if I were someone else, what you did on Saturday would’ve ruined it.”
Renjun couldn’t stand Jaemin’s silence, couldn’t stand not being properly able to see his face to decipher said silence, couldn’t stand that Jaemin now had probably nothing else to say to him, couldn’t stand that he was crying in public, or that he was crying in public in front of his long-time crush, and most importantly, couldn’t stand that he was crying in public in front of his long-time crush and the guy didn’t have it within himself to somehow try consoling Renjun.
The thought of a rumor spreading around the dorm that the common bathroom on the east wing of the third floor was haunted because of Renjun’s crying on the last stall was the only thing that had brought a smile to his face in the past half hour. A short lived one, though, as air went down the wrong pipe and Renjun found himself wheezing instead of laughing, wet coughs bringing extra tears to his face.
He was a mess.
The last extracurriculars of the day should be done soon, and Renjun wouldn’t be able to cry in peace for much longer as the dorm started to fill up. He should at least stabilize his breathing, wash his face, and leave before any more crying sounds ended up gathering an audience by the bathroom’s door. It was just that Renjun felt he needed some kind of Herculean strength to do that.
It was all over. Done. Renjun’s first actual crush, as well as his first semblance of a real relationship, because there’d be no way in hell that Jeno would want anything to do with him anymore after Jaemin told the full story. It wasn’t like Renjun wasn’t already on his merry way to destroying that particular relationship when he kissed Jeno just to essentially ghost him right after, but it was a whole other thing to acknowledge the finality of it. He hiccuped.
Rubbing his face against the ruined sleeve of his uniform, Renjun rested his back against the toilet, looking dejectedly at the ceiling. What a fucking drama queen, Donghyuck would say if he saw him in that state, and Renjun chuckled.
“Injun?” and maybe he needed therapy, because the snarky voice in his head that tended to sound like Donghyuck’s felt almost like the real thing for a moment. Renjun stopped breathing, waiting for the voice a second time, to check whether he was really hearing things, but there was only silence in the bathroom. But then, “Injun?” and the knock on the stall’s door made Renjun almost jump out of his skin.
“Hyuck?” God, Renjun’s voice was a mess, too. He tried clearing his throat and asking again, but it croaked just the same the second time.
“Injun, do you... do you wanna talk?”
“Was I crying that loud?” his laughter was dry, and Donghyuck went silent for a moment.
“Not actually, no. But I noticed your shoes, and then I heard the sniffling.”
“Great.”
“Well, hm,” Renjun wasn’t sure if Donghyuck was flustered at his roommate opening crying, or if there actually was an audience by the bathroom’s door, because he only spoke hesitantly like that when near people he wasn’t close to. It was weird, finding a situation where Donghyuck didn’t feel confident enough to argue. Renjun made a mental note to never cry where his roommate could see again. “It’s just, if you wanna rant, I’m here to listen?”
A moment, then another. “I think it’s over. No, I’m pretty sure it’s over.”
“What is?”
“Everything,” a breath “It’s all over, and I’m a fuck up, and I’ll end up alone,” another hiccup, and he’d be damned if it actually turned into another sob, and he cried in front of his roommate again. How the hell were there even any more tears in his system. “And, I mean, it’s all my fault. Nothing I do will even matter because there’s no fixing, anyway.”
“Don’t you wanna, hm. Maybe leave the stall first before trying to fix anything?”
“No,” he hiccuped, but the stifled laughter on the other side of the door was decidedly not Donghyuck’s. “I swear to God if Yangy—” the word died in Renjun’s mouth as he opened the stall’s door. Jeno was leaning against the sink, the only other person in the bathroom besides Donghyuck. Renjun snapped his head towards his roommate.
“Okay, I can explain, I—”
“He sent me a message,” Jeno pushed himself off the sink “Because he thought he saw you crying, and that you probably wouldn’t talk to him about it.”
Renjun was going to kill Donghyuck. That was absolutely final. “Did he.”
“Jun,” Jeno stepped in front of Renjun, and he felt less homicidal for a moment, too busy processing the fact that it was the first time he allowed himself to look into Jeno’s eyes in almost a week. When his brain provided the fun addition that he probably wouldn’t be able to do much of that after Jeno and Jaemin had a talk, Renjun’s vision started swimming again. “It’s fine,” he muttered, opening his arms. “You’re okay now.”
It wasn’t a question, but Renjun nodded anyway, new tears falling with every downwards motion of his head, and slowly stepped into Jeno’s personal space, forehead resting under Jeno’s chin. He really wasn’t physically capable of crying anymore, but Renjun couldn’t stop hiccuping as Jeno closed his arms around him, soothingly running a hand up and down Renjun’s back, cheek pressed against the side of Renjun’s head.
Jeno led Renjun out of the dorm, to the half secluded benches on the lawn right behind the building, and didn’t say anything. Renjun sat still, knees pulled up against his chest and head resting against the crook of Jeno’s neck for what felt like forever. It didn’t take long for him to calm down, one of Jeno’s hands softly combing his hair, and the other making lazy circles on his knees, and Renjun’s mind felt pleasantly empty. He’d have surely dozed off like that, if it wasn’t for the alarm on Jeno’s phone reminding them of the curfew.
He accepted one, and then two of Jeno’s gentle kisses, and maybe by the fifth it was Renjun who leaned in first, before they headed inside.
“Oh to be young and in love,” Donghyuck joked, tentative, when Renjun closed their door. At the sliver of a smile, his roommate sat up on the bed. “So it was actually love problems? You and Jeno looked fine to me though?”
Renjun shook his head. “It wasn’t because of Jeno,” not entirely, at least. Donghyuck hummed, watching Renjun search for his pajamas for a moment.
“But it was Jeno who you wanted there with you, wasn’t it?”
Not only, Renjun thought, but his head hurt too much from all his crying to try dissecting that.
Midterms had come and gone, Chenle had begged them to not throw the study guides away until he could collect them after finals, and the entire school atmosphere seemed to shift, much like the weather. With a big chunk of their grades already secured (or beyond salvation), everyone seemed to switch gears and start focusing more on the extracurriculars. Renjun knew through Yangyang that the sports clubs would begin to have away games soon, and in choir they were about to choose new section leaders in preparation for the concert rehearsals.
The volunteering club was put on a halt for the exams, but Jeno was excited to sort out through the new requests coming from all over the city, and to start working at the cat café as a part-timer instead of occasional volunteer. All of that would come after the four day weekend the school gave them as soon as midterms were done, and just thinking about it was enough to make Renjun blush.
“Why’s his face like that,” Chenle sat down next to Donghyuck during dinner, still in his basketball uniform. Renjun scowled at that, and Chenle laughed. “Now that’s more like you.”
“It’s called a smile you dipshit,” he stole some of Chenle’s fries in retaliation. “And I’m free to do that whenever I want.”
“Alright Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, what’s got you smiling at your cold mashed potatoes like that?” Chenle seemed to not notice the look Renjun and Donghyuck shared, too busy counting the number of fries remaining on his plate.
“I’m going out of town for the long weekend,” he tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, and Chenle didn’t even look up.
“Nice. Bring me souvenirs,” Donghyuck slapped Chenle upside the head.
“He’s going out of town, not out of the country,” and Chenle might’ve muttered something along the lines of ‘same difference’, but Renjun wasn’t really paying attention anymore. “Damn. That’s really disgusting, actually,” Donghyuck grimaced, and Chenle’s high pitched laughter cut through Renjun’s daydreams. “Like, I actually get what he’s saying. Don’t smile at the napkins like that, Injun,” and he flinched away before Renjun could even reach his collar, laughing.
Why should Renjun have to contain his expression, honestly? He was about to spend three nights and four days at the house of the guy he was dating. In his place, anyone else would feel the same way. You’re meeting the parents already?! Lucas had essentially body slammed Mark out of his chair to claim the phone. Dude, that’s like, so much responsibility, he continued, over Mark’s complaints from the floor, but that was an entirely new issue that Jeno had assured him they wouldn’t need to tackle over the weekend. I don’t think his parents know, had been Renjun’s answer. Besides, we’re not that serious yet.
But by God, he wanted them to be. He wanted when Jeno blushed while asking him about his plans for the long weekend. He wanted when Jeno video called home, not for Renjun to meet his parents, but for him to introduce Renjun to his cats instead. He wanted every time Jeno would lean in a bit too close during class, and Renjun’s heart would skip a beat from how much we wanted to close that distance, even in public. He wanted at every smile and at every skin brush, and sometimes, he wasn’t entirely sure why he thought couldn’t have it.
And then he’d be reminded.
“Oh, it’s just you two boys?” Jeno’s mother was an incredibly sweet and soft-spoken lady, ushering them inside as she wiped her hands on the apron, going over what she had prepared for lunch. “When you said someone new was tagging along, I thought you meant besides Jaemin, honey.”
There it was. Jeno only glanced at Renjun for half a second, before saying something about how Jaemin had already made plans with someone else that time. The glance wasn’t long enough, or worrying enough for Renjun to think Jeno knew about anything Jaemin and Renjun had talked about. Which, was still incredibly unsettling in Renjun’s eyes.
A little over a week had passed since that day, but nothing about the way Jeno acted suggested that Jaemin had talked to him about it. He just couldn’t believe someone who would keep such a thing to himself actually existed, but hell, Renjun wasn’t even sure Jaemin had ever said Renjun was the author of the love letters to Jeno in the first place.
There were no lab sessions in the week leading to, or the week of midterms. Renjun also completely avoided Jeno and Jaemin’s room, and Jaemin hadn’t tried contacting him through messages or in person, so the last time they had spoken was that disastrous afternoon.
It turned out to not be the closure Renjun was expecting.
He wasn’t really under the impression that everything he’d ever felt for Jaemin would simply disappear by the very next morning, but he also wasn’t prepared for the intensity of his feelings to not change in the slightest, and whenever something made him think about it while with Jeno, it was as good a reminder as any for why he couldn’t bring himself to officially be with him like he so wanted to.
Like when Renjun put a pillow on the futon set next to the bed, and Jeno laughed. “What,” but he ended up laughing along “What did I do?”
Jeno rolled on the bed over to the side Renjun’s futon was. “You’re saying you’d rather sleep there than up here with me?” Jeno mockingly raised an eyebrow, and Renjun threw the pillow on his face.
“Your mom put this here for me,” he shrugged as Jeno sniffled, and kept the pillow to himself. “Won’t she suspect anything if we sleep in the same bed?”
A moment passed, and Jeno scratched the back of his neck, before sitting by the edge of the bed. “She just put it there because my bed doesn’t fit three people. And... Jaemin sleeps— on the bed, I mean, on my bed, whenever he comes here.”
“Oh,” was all Renjun could answer, and they fell silent for a moment again. Clearing his throat, Renjun stood up, rolling the futon towards the corner of the room, and promptly jumping belly first onto Jeno’s bed. “Then, don’t mind if I do,” he teased, muffling his laughter against the mattress when Jeno climbed over his back and started playfully sniffing his neck as an answer.
It was hard to avoid thinking about Jaemin when he was etched into almost every corner of Jeno’s life. As a smiley toddler in Jeno’s family photo albums, in the extra dishes Jeno’s mom prepared out of habit because they were Jaemin’s favorites, in the vacation stories Jeno’s dad would tell over dinner. In the extra sweaters and shoes kept in Jeno’s closet, because Jaemin always found carrying full backpacks a hassle whenever he visited. In Jeno’s parents saying they were going for a friend’s gathering at Jaemin’s parents’ house, and probably even spending the night there. In the colorful earphones with the letters JM written with sharpie on the headband, carefully folded inside the first drawer of Jeno’s desk, in the set of throw pillows in the living room that Jaemin had gifted them some Christmas, in the pretty yellow flowers Jaemin had planted himself on the garden outside.
In the open, empty messaging chat Renjun caught Jeno absentmindedly staring in his phone, fingers hovering over the keyboard, only to lock the phone with a sigh without having written anything. The weight in Renjun’s heart felt somewhat heavier over Jeno’s very obvious struggle than it had over his own.
He closed the bathroom door and Jeno looked up from the bed, eyes downcast until he met Renjun’s.
“Come,” Jeno tapped the space next to him on the bed, and dutifully picked up the towel around Renjun’s shoulders as Renjun sat down, back facing him. “I’m not gonna be responsible for you catching a cold here,” and any other time, Jeno’s gentle hands drying his hair might’ve been enough to distract Renjun from all other things, but there was just too much Jaemin everywhere to be distracted.
“I wrote those letters to Jaemin,” Jeno’s hands stilled on his hair. With a deep breath, Renjun continued. “I didn’t know it wasn’t his locker.”
“Did... Jaemin know?” Jeno sounded much calmer than Renjun expected, and for some reason it made him feel calm too, tight shoulders dropping.
“Yeah. That I was the one who wrote them, I mean. He thought they were meant for you. Only recently I told him they weren’t.”
There was a long moment of silence before Jeno resumed drying Renjun’s hair. “Mhm,” he chuckled “I thought it was super out of character that the guy who was always pissed off in class suddenly asked me out at a cat café,” and Renjun turned around at that, offended.
“I’m not always pissed off in class!” Jeno shook his head, lowering the towel to massage Renjun’s ears, surely turning pink.
“But you are,” Jeno cupped Renjun’s face with the towel to give him a quick peck on the lips. “And it’s okay, because you’re cute.”
And Renjun wanted to be genuinely shocked by Jeno’s entire (lack of) reaction, but the happy eye-smile on his face only allowed him to feel fondness. “How are you not upset about this?”
Jeno hummed, balling the towel to throw it in the laundry basket from the bed. “Upset about what? That you have a crush on Jaemin,” it fell flat on the floor, not nearly close. “When I’m pretty sure I do too?”
There were many reactions Renjun had expected to see, and many things he expected to hear too, but none were even remotely similar to what Jeno had just said, and he suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to kiss him silly. Which he would have, if the doorbell hadn’t rang.
Jeno frowned, slightly opening his curtain to look outside as the doorbell rang again. There was only the light rain beyond the window, and no signs of any car headlights in the quiet street for it to be Jeno’s parents.
“They can’t be back yet,” he voiced out Renjun’s thoughts, as the doorbell rang two more times in quick succession. Jeno looked questioningly at Renjun, who only shrugged, similarly bewildered. He climbed out of the bed and headed towards the corridor, Renjun following closely behind, the doorbell still ringing and ringing and ringing again.
“What the fuck,” Renjun breathed as Jeno looked through the peephole.
“What the fuck indeed,” and that was the most shocked Renjun heard Jeno sound the entire evening, but he quickly understood why, when the door opened to Jaemin with his hand raised to press the doorbell again, soaked to the bones.
“Hi,” he smiled, as if that scene was nothing out of the ordinary. Jeno and Renjun shared a look. “Your parents came over for dinner.”
“I know,” and it sounded like a question. Jaemin bounced lightly on his feet at the threshold.
“They said you and Injunnie,” Jaemin swallowed visibly “Stayed in. So,” he quickly raised a finger just as Jeno opened his mouth to speak again. “I thought to myself, what better opportunity than this, right,” Jaemin laughed nervously, and Renjun thought he looked halfway insane.
“Jaemin what are you even talking ab—”
“This,” Jaemin started loudly “Is probably gonna sound insane. Completely bonkers, batshit crazy. I know, I know, I tried saying it out loud before and I know how it sounds too,” he cleared his throat. “So. It would be like, really great to me if you could listen to the whole thing, and then— I mean, I don’t know what then,” a breath “But it would be super neat if you just let me say it.”
They stood completely still in front of Jaemin, and Renjun had the urge to ask Jeno if that was really the guy worth having two people crushing on.
“Thing is. I’ve liked Jeno for a while,” Renjun heard a sharp intake of breath from Jeno “But kind of every time I look at Renjun, I want to kiss him,” eyes going comically wide, Jaemin quickly shook his hands. “Not that I don’t also want to kiss Jeno. Because I do. A probably unhealthy amount,” Jaemin’s eyes bounced between Jeno and Renjun, and Renjun wondered just what kind of expression was on his face. “But Renjun is also— and none of that makes any sense, and I completely understand if neither of you ever want to talk to me again, but,” Jaemin’s voice broke at that “I’m going to be absolutely miserable for a very long time if you two become an official thing without me. But that’s,” a shaky breath “That’s basically it.”
Dizzy, Renjun was dizzy. It was the first time he looked Jaemin in the eyes in almost two weeks, and though the last time had also been about him trying to — wanting to? — kiss Renjun, the emotions now involved were vastly different. Anger was still part of it, primarily because something like that if said earlier could have spared Renjun from all the probable stress grey hairs on his head, but it was severely overshadowed by the massive, unfiltered sense of joy clouding all of Renjun’s senses. He was dizzy.
He looked up at Jeno for a moment, an amused expression of a person enjoying a particularly good show. Renjun sighed, long and dramatic, to try covering up his will to smile until his cheeks broke from it.
“Let’s dry you up first,” Renjun dragged Jaemin inside, hand firm on his damp wrist. Jeno nodded, closing the door behind them.
“We can figure the rest out later,” together was implicit in Jeno’s voice, and Renjun couldn’t help smiling.