Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Aftermath of the school trip

Yuzu woke up to the vibration of her phone. She mouthed “Mom” and got out of the compartment to take the call. I check my wristwatch. About two hours before we get home. Himeko and Taniguchi were sleeping soundly across from us. Himeko must have given up on getting away from Taniguchi and was sound asleep on her lap. I should feel guilty. Himeko was stuck with Taniguchi because of me. Yet, all I l can think of right now is how I'm missing Yuzu's warmth. 

Yuzu knocked softly on the compartment door. As soon as I got out to see what she wanted, she handed me the phone. 

"Explain yourself," Mom says without greetings. "Yuzu is obviously trying to lie for your sake."

Lie? About what? 

"I'm sorry…" Yuzu whispers. 

Sorry?! 

"Mother, I..." I try to collect my thoughts the best I can, trying to figure out what she could be furious about.

"One picture!" Mom interrupts me. "One Picture! That's all you took?! The two of you couldn't pretend to get along for one lousy trip! I wanted to send Shou some pictures. I swear to God, when the two of you get here, you will make up! I don't care anymore!"

Then I realize what happened. Mom had asked me to tell Yuzu to take pictures of both of us, but I forgot. With everything that was going on, it was the furthest thing from my mind. 

Yuzu tried to cover for me.

"Mom," I say, "I did forget to tell her. However, that picture is the genuine article. Yuzu and I made up."

"What? Really?"

"Didn't she tell you? I think she assumed you would deduce it from the picture itself." 

"Oh..." Mom's tone changed. "She didn't send it yet. I just asked her if you took pictures together and-… Oh my God, I'm so sorry!  Did you really make up?"

"Yes, we did."

I feel Yuzu wrapping her arms around me. I let myself enjoy her embrace. 

"It's me who needs to apologize," I say, "Over the past two months, I was…"

"A complete brat! Both of you!" She lets out that insult as if she was holding it for so long. I'm sure she was. God! "I'm so happy! Put me on speaker. I will whisper..."  

"She says to put her on speaker…" I try to give the phone to Yuzu, but she doesn't take it. She taps on the screen.

"Hello..." Yuzu whispers.

"I'm so sorry, Yuzu," Mom says. "I didn't think you two made up… I'm so happy! So how did it happen?"

"Mom," I say, "I don't think this is a topic appropriate for a phone call..."

"Aww…" Yuzu whined.

It warms my heart that Yuzu is happy we're talking again, but I have to control her overeagerness. While I did not reject her when she hugged me,  it doesn't mean I want to stay like this until we get home. We have to go back to our seats and work on what we'd tell Mom. We can't possibly reveal that the reason we reconciled is that we're dating. 

We're dating.

Yuzu and I standing like this in the train aisle is beyond risky. It might be alright for friends to engage in this sort of physical intimacy, and I could pass it up as her being my sister for anyone who saw us. Still, Grandfather didn't introduce Yuzu as his granddaughter to any of the staff as far as I’m aware. He never invited Mom to any social events. He might be waiting for Father to come back and introduce her himself, as his spouse. It is strange that Grandfather went out of his way to tell her to refrain from picking us from the station and that he would be sending a car for us. 

He didn't give me any instructions on how to behave with Yuzu and Mom, and I have no idea what sort of image he wants to maintain. Until I know more, public display of affection would expose us as sisters at the very least, which may or may not cause him problems. Nevertheless, Mineko-sensei had reason to believe Grandfather regarded Yuzu highly. 

The last instruction Grandfather gave me was, "do what you want, and don't worry about me." It is a troublesome directive to follow. He fathomed that my relationship with Yuzu would develop the way it did.  He is the only person I truly rely on for guidance. It never occurred to me that there would come a day when I could not consult him on what the proper course of action to take would be. 

"Yeah… You're right," Mom says. "I'll prepare a nice bath for you two. Anything you wanna eat?"

"I don’t wanna eat anything. I'm on a diet," Yuzu says. "What about you, Mei?"

"It doesn't look like you would need a diet," I say.

"Really? You think so?" 

I can't make out Yuzu's expression, but I can tell she is smiling from the giddiness of her voice. I didn't say anything that would warrant such a reaction.

"What about you, Mei-chan?" Mom asks. "Please, don't say you're fine with anything."

"Something light would be nice," I say. "We have to go. See you at home." 

xxx

Grandfather's car was waiting for us outside. I asked Yuzu to stay in the car until I finished supervising the students going back to their families. 

When I finally joined her, she was asleep in the backseat. Unlike me, Yuzu can't sleep anywhere as I do. The last time I saw her fall asleep in a sitting position was on the train back home last Christmas. She was exhausted that day from trying to make the perfect cake. Which means she's at least as spent. She probably didn't get enough sleep, with me sleeping on her chest.  I don’t know what possessed me into doing that. I could have waited until we went home.

We're going home to our bed —the place I dreaded for the last two months. Now finally, we're going to sleep in each other's arms, feeling each other's warmth and taking comfort in each other's embrace. 

My heart starts beating fast. Part of me wants to act on the pent up longing I have for her and hold her right away. I try to collect myself before getting into the car. I sit relatively far from her. 

I closed my eyes to stop myself from thinking of her, but all I could picture were the things she tried to do to me in the hotel room. 

On the one hand, now that she's my girlfriend, I feel less guilty for viewing her in an erotic light. On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable that my imagination is going wild now that all the brakes are off.

Six months ago, I never thought I'd be doing something as pointless as dating my step-sister, yet here I am. What surprises me the most is that I'm relishing it. We are both girls, and we are sisters. I know this relationship is doomed to fail. We will either realize just how different we are or split up when I meet my next fiance. Pathetic as it is, I don't want anyone to have her. I am only delaying the inevitable, but that's how I cannot help it. I was glad to learn that she did not want anyone else to have me either.  At the very least, I know that she feels the same way about me.

I will give her all of me as long as I can.

I nudged her up when we were about to arrive home. She slowly opened her eyelids. My heart fluttered so much that I wanted to kiss her. 

By the time she was fully awake, I was looking through the car window, counting road lights. 

This is troublesome. 

xxx

As promised, Mom had the bath ready when we got home. She was all smiles. I'm relieved to see her back to her usual self. She's happy that Yuzu and I are talking again, but I'm sure she won't be thrilled to know the reason why we are. I wonder how long we can keep up this relationship before she gets a whiff of it. As long as it's not too risqué, we can act affectionately to each other as much as we'd like and pass it off as siblings' skinship. Such is the asset of being both girls. Refraining from becoming complacent is vital. We need to have a clear distinction between what is suspicious and what is not. 

Bathing together should be acceptable. We did it once before. While I'd rather erase that day from my memory, I can be proud of how far we've come as sisters. I cannot say the same for where we are as lovers. I saw her naked before, but that was as a "sister." As a "lover," being nude to one another has other ramifications altogether. I misread her intentions before. I'm not doing it again. I will wait for her to invite me in or take the initiative herself. That way, I would be sure she is doing what she likes and that I'm not overstepping any boundaries. 

"I prepared changes of clothes," Mom says. "Go straight to the bath. Don't lock up. I'm following you in!"

Yuzu and I give each other a look. Was she half-hoping we would be alone, too?

"Why?" I say, without much reflection. I fear Yuzu would become nervous. We didn't have time to prepare our story of how events went down.

"I want to know every single detail of your trip, since you didn't take many pictures, and how you made up."

"There is not much to say, Yuzu and I-..."

"What's the matter? You don't usually speak up unless you're spoken to, Mei-chan," Mom says, then looks Yuzu in the eye. "Yuzu?"

I swallow my nerves. 

"Erm," Yuzu stammers for half a second before finding her words, "Mei and I really made up. We don't want to fight anymore. It hurts us both."

Amazing! Yuzu doesn't need to lie. She just puts her genuine feelings forward.

Failing to realize that is why I hurt her repeatedly. 

It all ends now. It does not matter whether Yuzu needs me or not. I will take care of her, comfort her, and protect her. I will be there for her. That is something "sister" and "lover" agree on. 

"Come' ere, both of you," Mom says and pulls both of us for a hug. "I missed seeing the two of you get along. I know the two of you love each other, but you're such idiots sometimes…"

I doubt she knows how true those words are. We only realized it ourselves, after all. 

"Sorry," Yuzu and I say in unison.

"Now you make it up to me and do as I say. Shame the bathtub is too small for the three of us. You get in there, wash up, get in the tub, and call me." She lets go of us and makes her way to the kitchen. 

I grab Yuzu's hand. "You go in ahead; I’ll be there in a Moment."

She looks at me with a worried expression. "What are we going to tell her?"

"I will find out what she wants to know. We'll work around that, rather than shooting in the dark."

She beams. "Good idea. I'm counting on you," she says and grabs both our bags before strutting to our room.

Counting on me, she says.

I won't fail her. I bolster my resolve and follow Mom to the kitchen. 

"Mom," I call out once she crosses my line of sight. 

"Yes, dear?" She turns to me. 

"I have the impression you are doubting us."

"I am."

"What would it take for you to believe us."

"Just humour me, okay? I've met your mother and spent enough time with you, Shou, and your Grandpa to know what a cryptic bunch you all are. You keep your cards close to your chest. Do you know who started doing that, too? Yuzu. Yuzu used to tell me every little thing that happens to her. How do you think I feel about that?"

"Isn't it good that Yuzu and I confide in each other? Just like real sisters..."

Mom winces. I see in her eyes something I've never seen before. Her eyes reminded me of Matsuri’s when she confronted me about Yuzu.

"Are you perhaps…" I venture, "...jealous?"

"Jealous?"

"I'm just theorizing, but I haven't spent as much time with Yuzu as you did, and when that girl, Matsuri came out of nowhere and called her o-nee-chan, I felt... uncomfortable… It took me a while to realize it, but…"

"So, that's why you went to see your acquaintance instead of coming to Yuzu's Christmas party…"

"Huh?" It took me a second to recall the lie I came up with when she questioned us over why we were fighting. "Yes, that must be it…"

"Oh, my! That's so cute…"

"It is not. It was painful, and to be frank, I'm jealous of you."

"Me?"

"Father is closer to you than he ever was to anyone of our family… He trusted you to take care of me. I'd wager you two have secrets you hide from Yuzu and me. Why can't we do the same? We're sisters after all, and-.." 

A lump forms in my throat. I'm taking away her daughter, the same way she has done with Father. 

She smiles, walks up to me, and wraps me in her arms. I feel small again. Just like that, I lose the upper hand. Yet, I feel more secure now that I know she regained her bearings. 

"We don't have to feel that way about each other," Mom says while squeezing me. "Alright, here's a secret between you and me, Okay? I've been under a lot of stress lately. Being Aihara is not easy.  I need to be at your dad's side as soon as I can. I can't leave Yuzu and you behind while you're still fighting."

"I will take care of Yuzu. Please do the same with dad?"

"I'll make you a deal… You can keep your secrets as long as you're not lying about your reconciliation."

"Thank you. Yuzu is waiting for me," I say after leaving her embrace. 

"Alright. I'll be there in five minutes."

"I thought you-..."

"I still want to hear the details. Especially now that I know you've been jelly for each other. You drove me crazy. I deserve it!"

I shuffle to the bathroom. I take a quick shower and get in the bathtub with Yuzu. She shows signs of getting flustered, but I clutch her shoulders. "I'm going to sit next to you and hold your hand underwater. You tell Mom what happened. Sara, Nina, all of it. Just skip everything about us being lovers. If you say something out of place, I'll squeeze your hand..."

Yuzu's eyes gained focus. "Got it!" She says with determination.

I sit beside her and take her hand. Yuzu leans her head on my shoulder. "I never imagined we would ever sit together like this while calling ourselves lovers," Yuzu said.

"Careful..." I say, begrudgingly interrupting the tender Moment. We have the night to ourselves. We can talk about our feelings once safely tucked in our bed. 

"Right..."

Mom did take a little more than five minutes before coming in. She was pleased to see us sitting like we were.

"Look at you," she says. 

She put a bench next to the bathtub and leaned in.

Yuzu recounted what happened with excruciating details and seamless censoring. I only had to speak when I detailed my time with Sara. Yuzu even told Mom how she chased me and tackled me to the ground. Mom laughed her heart out.

"You two are such dorks," Mom said. "I would have liked more pictures, though."

"We won't have another fight, ever!" Yuzu declared and leaned on me. "Right, Mei?"

"We won’t," I say, not objecting to Yuzu's open display of affection as it could be categorized as sisterly.

"Oh, you will have a ton of fights. I guarantee it," Mom says. "It's nice to know you like each other this much. When Shou and I decided to marry each other, we were prepared for you to hate each other's guts."

I don't think Yuzu is capable of hatred. 

"Well…" Yuzu puts the finger on her chin and says: "When we first met, I thought she was creepy, but beautiful and smelled nice."

"Creepy?" I feel offended. "Isn't it creepier that you smelled me?"

"I can't help it! You hugged me to take away my phone! What did you think of me?"

"A foreign object."

Yuzu blushed with frustration, and Mom laughed.

What am I doing? I should be thankful all she thinks of me is "creepy when we first met."

"First impressions are often misleading," I say. "Now that you brought up our first meeting. Why didn't Yuzu know about me until I showed up at your doorstep?"

Mom stopped laughing.

"That was my fault," she says. "It was just Yuzu and me for twelve years… and… I don't know… I guess I didn't know how to handle that conversation and kept putting it off…"

"I see Yuzu inherited procrastination from you." 

"Hey!" Yuzu says.

"Did you start studying for the exams?"

"I-... Might need your help again…"

Mom laughs and says: "At least now that you're not giving each other the silent treatment, you can study together!" 

"I am far from satisfied with that answer," I say. "Yuzu and I basically don't know anything about how you met Father or why you got married before we met. We were strangers despite being sisters for a few months. Faulting us for fighting hardly seems fair, don't you think?"

I don't know what came over me. Thoughts are racing in my mind, and I can't keep up.

I think I finally realized what Ume must be to Father. If he treasures her half as much as I do Yuzu, it is already too much... Ume is a grown-up Yuzu. She's beautiful, she's kind, she's... special. 

I thought I was the only one kept in the dark until I discovered Yuzu never saw a picture of him. I am not trying to meddle, but something about their relationship is bothersome. Father sold his old house when he married. Mom was the one left in charge, not Grandfather.

I suppose I never saw them as "lovers" until I acquired a lover of my own. The thought of them being intimate is…

I can't and don't want to picture my father lusting after the woman that is essentially a preview of what Yuzu will become in the future; a future where she won't be my lover. 

Yuzu with black hair… That would be a sight to behold.

Is it within my right as her girlfriend to ask her to dye it back? She will be respecting the school rules and getting my approval.

Approval. Is that what lovers seek in each other?

Yuzu did a lot to be there for me and satisfy me. Meanwhile, even as I think of her, all I think of is myself... 

I remember reading: "You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish."  

Yuzu is the living proof that what Carmilla said is far from true…  

Is Mom, the woman who raised such a beautiful and pure being, anything like her? While Yuzu's actions in that hotel room contradict everything associated with purity, I can't help believe purity is part and parcel of her. Just like how I struggled with my contradictory feelings for her, I think her impure and pure self coexist.  

Why are lust and love so intrinsically intertwined?

Father and Mom probably made love to each other more than a few times. 

She said Father needs her? I remember that word. I told Yuzu that I wanted her to need me. 

While I do not want to know all their secrets, I cannot bear them having too many of them. 

"I will call him right away," Mom says. "I know we are not exactly the perfect parents, but-... believe me, we had the best intentions..."

I felt Yuzu becoming tense. 

I want to stop for Yuzu's sake, but I have to see this through now that I've started seeing Mom as my father's lover. As a mother, she's perfect. As a lover, she's a liar. 

She didn't want to tell Father about our fight to hide her "failure." She might have tried to keep him from worrying, but I can't unsee the truth behind a lover's essence. Yuzu showed it to me time and time again. She found her way into my heart because I liked her actions. 

I have no objections if she does what my father wants, but I'm against her trying to get credit for something she did not do. 

"I have a request," I say. "Tell him Yuzu and I had a fight. "

Yes. Neither of us should have Father's approval; I failed as a sister, she failed as a mother.  Yuzu suffered because of both of us. We both have to make amends. 

As I recall how she made Yuzu cry, another wave of anger rises from within me.

It is not my place to judge as a “sister,” but where do I stand as a “lover”?

Perhaps all the increasingly ridiculous masquerade I'm in the process of pulling is just me trying to retaliate for my lover; against her mother, our mother.

Mom only needed to look at me for a few seconds to realize I wouldn’t back down.

"I guess there is not much harm, now that you're not fighting anymore," Mom says. "I'm gonna go ahead and call him. I wish you did it under different circumstances, but It's nice to see you finally express yourself…"

She smiles one of those benevolent smiles of hers. Yuzu smiles like that to.

Mom flicks my nose and leaves. 

"What's gotten into you?" Yuzu asks. "I've never seen you talk this much.". 

"Doesn't not knowing anything  bother you?" I counter with a question of my own.

"As long as they're happy, that's all that counts."

"How do we know they're happy?"

"We can ask them."

"I think highly of Mom, but she hid the truth from father about our fight. How can we be sure she's not doing the same thing to us?"

"Over the last two months, we were miserable, but I never thought I was unhappy to be with you…" she says. 

I can’t find words to reply. This is Yuzu in all her splendor. What she says always pierces straight through my heart without fail. I know why I am captivated by her. I still don't understand why she chose me, but I decided not to get hung up on it anymore. My time and energy are better spent trying to be as good to her as she is to me.  

I'm overwhelmed with the desire to kiss her, but I stop myself. Kissing her is something I would draw pleasure from, myself. It's selfish and hypocritical coming from me. Up until now, I initiated most of our kisses. The ones where she was the one kissing me are the ones that were filled with emotion. I will wait for her to kiss me. That way, I will be sure that I am not forcing myself on her.

That dream… I don't want to see it again.

"Your dad's on the phone!" Mom's voice came from the other side of the door. "We're waiting for you."

We've been in the bath for too long. I'm starting to have wrinkles on the tips of my fingers. We have to cut this time short. Surely Yuzu would sneak in a kiss before we exit. 

Yuzu rises up from the water and gets out of the bathtub.

"Mei…" She says. "Can I make a request?"

"Yes…" I say. I knew this was coming the moment we entered the bath together. This will be our first kiss since we became girlfriends. 

"Can I do your hair?"

"I suppose you can…"

I can't comprehend. We are alone, in the bathroom. Unless… I see…

Yuzu gets nervous easily. She perhaps wants me to be facing her to be able to kiss me without having to perform extra moves. It annoys me when people get nervous, but it is somewhat adorable when she does it. 

Yuzu is full of mysteries, like an exciting book in which you don't know what to expect. She single-handedly had Amemiya-sensei fired but cannot look Mineko-sensei in the eye when she scolds her. She hijacked the school’s PSA to get the point across to me but then stammered when she tried to express her feelings towards me when we were face-to-face. All or nothing. I somehow want her to face the rest of the world with confidence and only show her awkwardness only to me. 

We dry ourselves and put on dry clothes. After each of us squeezed the excess water out of our own hair, she wrapped hers in a towel while I started blotting mine like I usually do. Yuzu took the towel away from me and continued where I left off. Once done, she gently ran a wide-toothed comb through my hair. 

"Your hair is hardly tangled, Mei. I'm so jealous..." Yuzu says. There's no hint of envy in her voice, however. I am starting to consider myself an expert on that particular emotion. 

I remember when Himeko said she was jealous. At the time, in my anger, I thought of cutting it. Seeing Yuzu enjoying herself with it now makes me thankful I didn't. She put some leave-in conditioner on my hair, combed it, and finished up with the dryer. I loved the care she put into the simple process of drying my hair. I never fathomed she would make something so trivial so pleasurable. I could ask her to keep doing it for me from now on...

As she was about to start doing her own hair, I grabbed her hand.

 "Let me," I say.

"Mine is kinda... complicated," She looks at me nervously. "With the dye and everything."

"I'm a fast learner."

"Alright..." 

She opened the cabinet and started taking out bottles one by one while naming them and explaining what they do: sulphate-free conditioner, dye to add to the conditioner, additional leave-in treatments, heat protectant...

I think I overestimated myself.

"So which one goes first, again?" I reluctantly ask.

She laughs and hugs me. "How about you watch me do my hair, and you can do the dryer at the end."

Fascination replaced disappointment the longer she went on in the process of drying her hair. I did notice that some of her hairdos were very intricate, but I never imagined the daily care would be this daunting. I have a newly found respect for how good she looks every day and a little mad at her. She could be spending her time doing something more useful. 

I put as much care as I could into drying her hair. She seemed to enjoy my touch as I did hers.

I have been so engrossed at this Moment that the sister in me forgot about the lover. There is nothing forceful about kissing her now, right?

I put the dryer down, wrap my arms around her waist, and hug her, pressing my chest against her back. She freezes for a second, then relaxes. 

"Can I?" I ask, out of precaution. 

"Yes…" She says, without a hint of fear in her voice. 

A weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I'm not trespassing. I'm allowed in.

Her freshly dried hair, Her sent. Her warmth. She's all mine. 

"I missed you," Yuzu says. 

My heart aches. I missed her too. I nuzzle her nape through her hair and hold her tight. 

It's not about whether she permits me or not. I've been awful to her. I can't afford to make another wrong move. 

When did I become this cowardly?

The door to the powder room opens behind us. Mom cheerfully says, "Oh my gosh, Shou! Look!" 

My blood turns to ice. 

"Look how she's hugging her! So adorable!" She goes on, holding up her phone.

"I guess that means they're not fighting anymore…" Father's voice came from Mom's phone.

Yuzu turns around in between my arms and hugs me back and presses her cheek to mine, "we're not!"

I suppose the sisterly skinship (*)  is very permissive.

(* A/N: This word doesn’t exist in English but it is a word commonly used in Japanese-made pseudo-English, aka wasei-eigo,  to refer to physical intimacy)

"Hold on, hold on!" Mom says. "I haven't said anything about them having a fight…" she turns to me. "... yet." Mom looks at her screen then says, "Oh! Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything," Father says.

"Yeah, but I know what you're thinking."

Yuzu breaks out the hug and pulls me by the arm. We each stand by either side of Mom.

How did Mom know what he was thinking? How close are they?

"How long did you know?" Mom asks.

"Is it important?" Father says.

"Yes, and not just to me,"

"New year's," he says.

Mom points two fingers to her temple and mimics a gunshot. Yuzu and Father laugh.

"How? Why?" Mom asks.

"You are always eager to show me how Mei and Yuzu act around each other," father says, "and yet somehow around new year's, you stopped."

"As a matter of fact, they've been fighting since Christmas, so there! You're not as smart as you think."

"I know, I know. I'm glad to see my two girls together."

I could see Yuzu beaming on the phone screen... If Father knew what the word “together” entails for us, I doubt you'd feel that way.

We all moved to the dining room. Mom prepared yakitori despite me requesting something light. 

We told Father about the trip but didn't give any details. He told us about his current endeavours. Mom showered him with praise as he did so. Mom complained about her work for a short stretch. Father gave her words of comfort and encouragement. 

Now that I started seeing them as lovers, this mundane conversation was fascinating. I don't know how or when I could replicate it with Yuzu, but I know that I should seize the opportunity when the situation arises. It's high time I started building her up instead of pushing her down. 

"Darling," Mom says. "Mei has a question for us, and I thought it is more appropriate to answer it together. This is going to be a long conversation, so let's all get comfortable in my room."

"By all means," Father says.

We did as Mom suggested after brushing our teeth and doing the dishes. 

"She wants to know how we met and came to get married..." Mom gets straight to the point as we made ourselves comfortable in her bed. 

"Ah, that question was going to come up sooner or later…Do you want me to start?" Father asks.

"No, let me. That's the part I was sober for."

"Alright, go ahead.”

Mom arched her back and stretched her arms in front of her. After a deep breath, she said, "Once upon a time in a kingdom far away; there was this young woman who just celebrated her birthday. When she blew out the few candles on the makeshift cake her co-worker brought to her, she made a wish. That wish was that she'd find a man who would love her, love her daughter. She also wished that if she met such a man, she'd be blessed with a second child so that her daughter can have a little sibling. After that, her coworkers took her to the shrine, aka the pub, where they forcefully removed the seal that prevented her from remarrying, a ring from her ex-husband. On her way home, she found a pathetic man stalking a beautiful young girl. And that, kids, is how I met your father . Man! I always wanted to say that!"

"You didn't have to put it that way... I'll take over before you do any more damage. Yes, I did check on you, Mei, from afar, without your knowledge. I am ashamed to admit it, but I didn't know how to face you."

"Oh, my Gosh!" Yuzu sits up! "That's such a Mei-move! You two are totally alike!"

I try to divert attention from Yuzu's embarrassing comment, "Father, please continue."

He complies, "As your mother implied, she ran into me while I was doing that."

"And by ‘that,’ he means stalking," Mom interjects playfully.

"Thank you, dear." Father had a mischievous smile. "She snuck up behind me and blackmailed me into marrying her."

"What?! No! That's not what happened!"

"Two can play at this game..."

Exasperated, I sigh deeply, "If you are not going to take this seriously, Yuzu and I are tired and should head to bed."

"Oh my! We got scolded!” Mom says. "Alright, alright… You're no fun, Mei-chan!"

"I stopped your mother from calling the police, under the condition that I would explain myself," father resumes his account of the events with his usual stern voice. "We went to a nearby bar where I explained our situation. I think you should take over from here..."

"No way! That's too embarrassing!"

Father appears to be reluctant, but he hides the meekness almost instantly and continues, "your mother, kind as she is, was upset for how I acted, but she still listened to my story. She said that she would take care of you while I find my answer. She said to hurry up and come back so that she could become a family. Her smile... And her words… long story, short: I asked her to marry me on the spot!"

"OMG! That's so romantic!" Yuzu says.

I don't know what Yuzu's definition of romance is. Still, I think I know how Father would have been captivated by Mom in a single heart-to-heart conversation. I had something similar with Yuzu when she followed me to Grandfather's house. While I didn't necessarily become infatuated at that Moment, that was when I started thinking of her more than I should. Father probably realized his feelings sooner than I have. Perhaps it was because he is more mature than I am. 

Or it could be just that Father was being pragmatic.

Yuzu crawls over to me and snuggles up to me. She says, "Do you realize something, Mei? You're the reason we're a family."

Mom kisses the tops of our heads. "You're both the reason," she says.

"So, you guys didn't marry because you loved each other?" Yuzu asks, her expression turning sour. 

"Understanding each other is the deepest form of love…" She replies. 

"Well, she refused, in any case... "Father adds. 

"Huh?" Yuzu says. She is as confused as I am.

"Well," Mom smiles mischievously, "I can't marry a man who stalks his daughter, can I? And there you have it, we are not really married!"

Yuzu and I tighten our grip on each other. We've become sisters. They can't just take it away from us. 

"Your mother is joking…" Father clarifies.  

"Oh my! You should see your expressions!" Mom says through her laugh. 

I'm of half a mind to throw a pillow at her.

Yuzu does it for me. 

"Ow!" Mom cries out in fake pain.

"That's not funny!" Yuzu snaps. 

"Jeez! Don't worry, your dad and I are married, but I did refuse at first. How could I marry a man I just met? We needed to get to know each other and spend time with each other. We got married two days later."

"Moooom! Stop it!"

"She's telling the truth," Father says. "Yes, but in those two days, we had a long talk, we opened up to each other, learned a lot about each other. I had to leave soon, and therefore we could not delay our wedding."

It is a lot to process. I was at the center of this haphazard arrangement, yet I never knew. I always thought I was kept in the dark because I was an afterthought. Understanding one another is crucial to loving one another. It was a two-month-long excruciating lesson for Yuzu and me. Mom and father were quicker to achieve enough understanding...

"That and I had just found a handsome husband and a cute daughter without having to go get pregnant again," Mom says. "You bet I wasn't going to let him get on that plane before making things official."

Yuzu laughs and lies back down next to me. She purrs as she relaxes against my shoulder. I can see that she was making herself comfortable in order to fall asleep.

"Let's go to our room," I suggest. 

"I don't wanna…" she mutters with a groggy voice. "Let's sleep here."

"Now, now…" Mom intervenes. "You two go to your room."

"I'm too sleepy!"

My curiosity gets the better of me. Why is Mom in a hurry to kick us out? 

"I suppose no harm in spending the night here…" I say.

"Do you want me to spell it for you, girls?" Mom gives us a quizzical look. Seeing no reaction. She speaks in a sensual voice, "I'm a lonely woman, under a lot of stress in and in  dire need of attention…"

Yuzu and I look at each other. She turned beet red, and I'm sure I did as well. We did not need to be told twice. We skedaddled out of there without wishing either of them good night. 

We entered our room together for the first time in so long. What an indescribable feeling!

Yuzu throws herself on the bed. 

"So good to be back!" She says.

I sit at my desk and start working on my report of the trip.

"Mei? Aren't you coming to bed?" Yuzu inquires.

"I will finish this and join you," I say, trying to hide my anticipation.

"Okay…"

It took fifteen minutes to finish my report.

I get up and say, "sorry for taking so lo-..."  

Yuzu has fallen asleep. My heart sinks.

How can I be so oblivious! I could have just cuddled with her until she fell asleep. I knew she was too tired.

I tuck Anthoniko in and sit on the bed. She looks so peaceful. I am grateful for being able to look at her like this, with a warm feeling in my chest instead of the usual painful tug.

I am useless at expressing romantic feelings. I never had to. The only novel I read that was remotely romantic was "Carmilla," and there is no way on earth I'd rely on it. I suppose it is time to look for a romance classic. Hopefully, my real love will take shape as I read about other people's fictional love. 

"Sweet dreams, Yuzu…" I whisper. 

I return to my desk and take out my diary. My latest entry was from the day I left Father’s old house. I tucked it away when I came to live here. My initial suspicion of Yuzu made me fear she would read it when I’m out. Before I knew it, I stopped writing in it altogether. I wish I didn’t. Keeping track of my feelings for Yuzu would have been helpful. 

I flip back to the page I wrote when I learned of Father’s remarriage. 

“ Father has remarried. 

His new wife has a daughter of her own, according to Grandfather. Grandfather told me not to concern myself with the matter. I am trying not to, but I can’t help but feel anxious. Father is selling his old house and has requested that I go live with his wife and daughter. Isn’t it pointless since I would be marrying Amemiya-sensei in two years from now? 

I wish I knew what Father is thinking. ”

I think back to that time. I pictured Father's wife as somewhat similar to my biological mother and his stepdaughter as a typical Aihara High student. Never in my wildest dream would I thought they would be the polar opposites of those conceptions. 

I flip the pages again and read my last entry.

“ I will start living with my stepmother tomorrow. I hope we will be civil to each other. Neither of us wants to be in this situation, but I am sure we can bear with each other for two years. 

I do not understand why I have to go there while Father is away, but I feel this is my last chance to patch things out with him before I’m married. I will do as he requested.

I received another letter from him today.”

Those letters… I turn to look at Yuzu and think back to how she cried out of relief after I finished reading them. I think that was the day the gears of my reasonings started slipping out of place. Perhaps it is a blessing I haven’t written in this diary for so long. I don’t think I can face how despicable I was since I started living with her. 

I take out the pen and flip to a blank page.

“ Father and I are talking to each other again.

I cherish my new family.

I have to make amends for how poorly I behaved towards my sister.”

I close my diary and put it in my top drawer. I believe in Yuzu, so there is no need for such caution anymore. Even if she were to read it, I don’t think anything written here is uglier than the face I showed her many times. How on earth did she grow to love me? 

Before heading to bed, I reopen my diary and add “ and lover ” to the end of the last sentence I wrote. 

xxx

Exam Preparation

Yuzu was still asleep when I woke up. Waking her up with a kiss seems like a romantic gesture. I wish she’d woken before I did. I doubt she’d have missed such an opportunity to kiss me. Let’s give sleeping beauty a little nudge.

Luckily, her arm is extended towards me, so it is easy for me to snuggle up to her. I slightly bump my head against her cheek to wake her. I pretend to sleep but let out a moan loud enough to aid my endeavour in waking her up while playing the part.

My performance was a success on both ends. I can tell she’s woken up as she turns her head towards me and she doesn’t seem to suspect I’m awake. I moan again, but what I really meant was “come on, do what you want. I’m waiting.” 

She lovingly brings me closer to her. 

I wait, not making a move.  I’m all hers. 

Few minutes pass, but nothing happens. I can tell she didn’t go back to sleep.

As soon as I half-open my eyes to check what she was doing, she rolls over to look at me. I close my eyes and continue pretending to sleep. 

She takes a strand of my hair and plays with it. 

What she’s doing is romantic, but I whimper to tell her “you can do better than that.”

She lets go of my hair. She shudders, then tickles the tip of my nose.

I let out another whimper and squeezed her shirt. Kiss me, you idiot!

We’ll be late for school if I wait for her. I open my eyes. She rolls back and pretends to snore.

I sit up and “admire” the performance... For starters, you don’t snore. That’s the biggest tell you’re pretending.

Hold on… Perhaps, she could tell I was pretending. We’ve been sleeping together for so long; I’d wager she can tell when I’m awake as well.

Well, It doesn’t matter anyway. It doesn’t change the fact that she didn’t take the opportunity to kiss me.

I get out of the covers, not bothering to cover her back up. 

I make my way to the bathroom. Yuzu follows shortly after, with a radiant smile on her face.

“Good morning, Mei,” she says cheerfully.

“Good morning,” I reply. 

She grins as she lingers by the door.

“What?” I ask as she doesn’t say anything. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I am sort of frustrated with her. 

I can’t just come out and say, “kiss me.” Even now, she can just walk up and kiss me on the cheek to wish me good morning. It is acceptable as a sister and recommended if not mandatory as a lover. I can’t pretend I’m an expert on the subject, but it is what I’d have done if I didn’t overstep my boundaries before. 

She walks past me and puts toothpaste on her toothbrush. “Nothing!” she says gleefully. 

I give up and start brushing my teeth. She does too.

We go to our room and change into our uniforms. She doesn’t make a move on me. Half naked in front of each other, and she does NOTHING. 

After breakfast, I wait next to her while she does her make up. I don’t scold her so as not to put her off a potential kiss. Once done, she just sits there, smiling as she waits for me to finish the nothing I was doing.

I love your smile, Yuzu, but isn’t there something else you could be doing? We are girlfriends, aren’t we? Even your friend, Taniguchi, gets a kiss on the cheek whenever you meet. However you look at it, I should get more, shouldn’t I? 

Mom kisses us on our way out. 

She trails behind me while looking at her phone on our way to school.

Eugh! I don’t understand! I love her to bits, but all I want to do now is hit her! What’s in that phone that’s so important? Is she texting Taniguchi? They’re going to meet in a few minutes, so what’s the point in that? She should talk to me instead. I’m the one who’s going to be separated from her all day. She spends time with her at school AND after school. She breaks school rules to be with her. She’s even maintaining her appearances to get her approval. I am her girlfriend, and she knows I don’t care for her get-up. If anything, she should be following my taste. 

“Hey, Mei!” Yuzu calls out to me. “I’m thinking of changing things up once the new semester starts.” She catches up to me and shows her phone to me. It had a couple of ribbons displayed on the screen. “Which Ribbon do you think I should use?”.

I spare no effort trying to hide my annoyance. I sigh audibly and say, “you realize going to be a second-year student soon, don’t you?” I take this opportunity to tell her how her girlfriend thinks she should dress. “Maybe you should actually start adhering to the dress code.” 

“Why do you have to go on about rules on a nice morning like this?”

“I don’t see what the weather has to do with it.”

“It’s all worked out so far, right? What’s the big deal? I wanted to wear a ribbon you picked for me…” 

Yuzu doesn’t realize she’s only been able to act like she does thanks to Grandfather and me. It’s only a matter of time before she’s forced to change. Maybe I should let her enjoy herself for a short while. However, she has to understand that it is only temporary. Furthermore, I can’t let myself become complacent when dealing with her. I am her sister and her lover, but I am above all the student council president and the Aihara heir. While I found a shaky middle ground for “sister” and “lover” to co-exist, those other parts of me have too much weight on their shoulders. That ground would inevitably shatter from underneath me if I tried to make all four of me stand next to each other. Keeping them separate is critical.

“I can’t keep letting you be the exception,” I explain to her, letting the student council president take the reign. 

“Okay, okay,” she says, miffed. 

She might be irritated by my scolding, but I can’t let it dissuade me. “Moreover...” I say, reaching to grab her phone. She resists my half-hearted attempt to take it away. “You and  I are about to become senpais,” I continue my speech. “We have to set up a good example for the new students. If there are more new students like you, are you going to take responsibility for the hit to our school reputation?” I rhetorically ask, letting go of her phone as soon as I felt my point made.

“You make it sound like the end of the world!” she complains, putting her phone away.

After that, we kept on walking. Both of us were silent. While I usually don’t mind, I start wondering if I upset her. While I have a clear separation for each part of me, Yuzu does not.  I myself did struggle with ‘sister’ and ‘lover’ as they didn’t exist before she came into my life. In fact, she single-handedly created them. Have i been left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have nurtured them. This must be why I was confused for so long. Yuzu never thought and still doesn’t think of separating the aspects of her life. The student in her is in constant slumber until the exams wake it up. The Aihara in her hasn’t been nurtured yet. Either father does not want to do it, or she does not want to embrace it. I am not sure I want to push it on her either. I want her to marry someone she loves, at the very least. If she does choose to become an Aihara, I will make sure to ease her responsibilities. If father chooses to become the head of the household I could probably talk everyone involved into letting my family and hers live under the same roof. That is a distant future, though. 

Her voice makes me come back to earth, “Greart, now I’m depressed.”

Depressed? How? Why? Is it me? 

“What?” I ask, putting aside all the questions that took priority and opting for one that inferred I didn’t hear her. 

“Nothing, I just realized I should treasure my time with you, Mei.”

I agree… She was probably thinking something similar to what I have been. Our days as lovers are counted. We should make the most of them. I am curious what she was thinking exactly and when it is she thinks we need to stop being lovers. 

I am not sure I want to know the answer to the second one now. I will need it eventually, though. More importantly, it has to come from her. I don’t want her to feel any pain or  when we have to go our separate ways. 

“Hey, Mei, do you ever let loose?” Yuzu asks. “We’re high school girls! We should be having fun! Like going shopping for cute clothes, or going on dates…”

I love how she casually shows concern for everything and everyone around her. Such is the beautiful kindness I don’t want to share with anyone. Ever since I embraced her kindness, I decided to let her handle anything that pained me. She’s better at it than me. In return, I will try my best to do the same for her. 

However, she needn’t concern herself with this.

 “I’ve already thrown away the part of me that’s a normal high school girl,” I declare. 

“What?” she stops in her tracks. She doesn’t utter a word for a few seconds, then shouts,  “Even if you don’t care about fashion you’re still cute…”

I want to smack her across the face with my briefcase, but this IS the first compliment I heard from her all morning. I take what I can get, I guess. I gather up my courage and say, “Do you realize you look adorable yourself withou-...” 

As I turned to reply, I realized. She didn’t turn the corner yet. I could feel my ears turn red. 

I am not sure I could muster the courage again to say such a ridiculous thing

I wait for a moment, but as she doesn’t show up, I go back to see what was going on with her. 

I peer from around the corner. She was talking to a student from the Aihara middle school. 

“So, starting April, we’ll be in the same school,” Yuzu says. 

“That’s right!” the middle-schooler says enthusiastically. 

“So what can I do for you?” Yuzu asks. 

Yuzu’s influence on our future students started sooner than I anticipated. We do share the same assembly due to logistics. I can’t believe I overlooked that.

“Ah, sorry! Ah, uhm...” The middle-schooler says and starts to shudder. “I-...I-...”

She walks to Yuzu and grabs her hand, “I’m a big fan of yours, Yuzu-senpai!”

“Wah?!” Yuzu was surprised at such a proclamation. “A Fan? Of mine?”

“Yes, your biggest fan!” The middle-schooler insists. “And… and...” She bows then dashes past Yuzu. “I’m sorry for bothering you on your way to school!”

Yuzu watches the middle-schooler run for a while then said, “sheesh… Today is off to a weird start already.”

I look at my wristwatch. I should get going. I quicken my step, having no choice but to leave Yuzu behind. Himeko and the others must be at the student council room already. 

That and I don’t want jealousy to rear its ugly head again before 

The Heir of the Aihara has no opinion on this “fan.”

The student council president is concerned.

The sister doesn't want any more competition. Matsuri is enough.

The lover might get violent.

I have to calm down. Yuzu is attractive, charismatic, and lovable. Of course, the new students will be all over her. I have to have faith in her. Yuzu knows she’s mine. A mere “fan” can never compete with me. 

What if the “fan” gives her more attention than I do?

Then it is my responsibility to give her the most attention.

xxx

As expected, Himeko and Maruta-senpai were in the student council room. I greet them and jump into the heart of the matter straight away, “we must ban the forming of fan clubs on the school grounds.” As both looked at me with confused eyes, I explain, “There has been a study that school clubs centred around unworthy interests are on the rise. We have to do what is in our power to prevent our school from such a calamity.”

“You are unusually fired-up today,” Maruta-senpai remarks. “Vice-president looks tame in comparison.”

I brush off Maruta-senpai’s pleasantries and get on with the rest of the student council business. I announce that the student council activities will be limited to the necessities. We’d delegate most of our work to teachers over the exam preparation period. Mom would be on my case again if I don’t take such measures, not to mention Yuzu needing my attention, for more than one reason.

On our way to class, Himeko asked me, “What did Yuzu do this time?”

I look at her, puzzled. Why does she think that?

“Well, you’re obviously upset about something…” She answers the question I didn’t ask.

I sigh. I might as well tell her. 

“Well…” I think of a way to phrase it. “Yuzu has a fan from our middle-school, and-...”

“Oh! So THAT’s what’s this all about!” Himeko exclaimed. 

“Well, that’s not all…”

“What else?”

“It’s not about what Yuzu did, but more about what she didn’t do…”

Himeko looks surprised for a second, then smirks and trots ahead. “Don’t worry, Mei-mei. I’ll be watching over you.” She says gleefully before entering the classroom.

Wasn’t that a patronizing tone she took with me? Maruta-senpai first, and now Himeko? 

As I follow Himeko into the classroom, I feel a stare upon me. As I turn to Taniguchi, she averts her eyes.

Did Yuzu tell her about us? I wouldn’t blame her if she did. 

Taniguchi usually acts in a detached manner when dealing with me, in general. She is livelier with Yuzu and Himeko. All I can see now on her face is concern, and maybe some accusation… If so, of what? Taking Yuzu away from her? 

She knows she’s my sister, right? She was half-mine to begin with. 

I know that everyone who knows Yuzu wants her to themselves. Why wouldn’t they? I do not know what the future holds, but for now, she is mine. I will fight tooth and nail whoever tries to take her away from me. I might not deserve her now, but she chose me, and I will do my utmost to be the lover she deserves. I don’t care what the Taniguchis and the Matsuris of the world think. Yuzu chose me.

The mere thought of Yuzu being snatched away is enough to get me worked up. 

I still need to learn a lot about this “love” emotion. It is very different from the one I carry for Father. While I had a certain possessiveness towards Father, I grew to not mind sharing him with Yuzu, and I don’t think I would be displeased if she grew to love him the same way I do. 

I know I don’t want anybody to love Yuzu the same I do, though. 

xxx

Throughout the classes, I found myself resisting the urge to turn and check up on Yuzu. I did succumb some times, and on half of those she was paying attention to the teacher. She waved at me once, but I gave her a stern look as she did so. 

I want to learn how to smile for her the way she does for me... 

The day went without any incident. Yuzu and Taniguchi didn’t cause any trouble. Contrary to what I expected, Himeko didn’t ask many questions about Yuzu and me. She was somewhat pleased Yuzu failed to satisfy me yesterday. Probably because of that rivalry she had going with her. 

Logic dictates that I should have fallen in love with Himeko instead of Yuzu. We knew each other longer. We’ve always been by each other’s sides. We have similar hardships. Above all, we understand  each other.

Yet it was Yuzu who swept me off my feet. There is no use denying that I find her attractive physically, but I think what made her so fascinating is that she is everything I am not. My initial feelings were very different, though. I never expected my disdain to turn into infatuation. 

Himeko and I didn't meet with Yuzu and Taniguchi for lunch as we had to take care of some final paperwork before our student council “sabbatical” starts in the evening. I felt strange for willingly passing the responsibility, albeit temporarily. Even stranger still is that the reason I am doing it is a selfish one. I don’t want Mom, and by extension father,to concern themselves with my well-being. But I think the real motivation is that Yuzu will have my undivided attention. 

My most enjoyable time with her was when we studied together. I am sure she feels the same way. This time, I won’t sour the mood by pretending a kiss didn’t mean anything. Our kisses from now onward mean everything. 

Before the start of the afternoon classes, I went to Yuzu’s desk and instructed her to pay more attention. “You’ve been looking my way all morning! Of course I can’t pay attention!”

That caught me off-guard. She had a point. I have to be careful. I’ve been thinking of Yuzu a bit too much since… since… My God! I might have had a crush on her even before I realized! 

On second thought, no. She occupied my mind for different reasons over the last seven months. What has changed now is that I’m looking forward to being with her. I have to keep my imagination and expectations under control. Nonetheless, I have to keep my eye on her in class. It was my duty as President and as sister, but until I cement the “separation” between my different selves, I have to moderate my interactions with her at school. 

xxx

With the fifth period completed, I head to the student council room with Himeko. 

Himeko stops mid-way, which prompted me to turn around to see what was going on. 

“Mei-mei, you go on ahead and walk home with Aihara Yuzu,” Himeko says. "I will take care of everything here."

"There is no need for such a thing," I say bluntly. "I appreciate the sentiment, though." 

Few months ago, I would have dismissed her without expressing my gratitude. Being around Yuzu made me appreciate Himeko's feelings for me. Harboring unrequited love for someone is painful. I couldn't bear the mere thought of Yuzu not having feelings for me. Himeko had to watch me fall in love with another. She even chose to support me. The least I could do is be kind to her.

She shook her head, "I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. If I was your lover, I would want you to walk me home." She shifts her gaze. 

Yuzu would certainly appreciate that but ‘president’ takes priority over ‘lover’. 

"She walks home with her friend Taniguchi," I try to hide my agitation as best as could.

"Speaking of Taniguchi," Himeko's voice turns grave. "You might want to keep an eye on her. I don't wanna add to your worries, but the attachment that girl has to Yuzu isn't normal."

"I could say the same about you and me."

"That's different. We're childhood friends. Don't you think it's strange for Taniguchi to cling to a girl like Yuzu? Especially with who her sister is?"

Himeko had a point. Taniguchi's older sister was the former student council president. Their family is a prime shareholder in the Aihara group. The younger Taniguchi associating with Yuzu must hide an ulterior motive. 

"I am not worried about Taniguchi," I state. "Yuzu would side with me in a heartbeat if things go south."

"I know," Himeko agrees. "I'm saying make her choose you before anything happens."

She has a point, but I’m just... tired.

I don’t want to manipulate her for my own benefit anymore. It took too much out of me to ascertain her feelings for me. I do not want to doubt her anymore. 

"Now that I think about it…" Himeko ponders. "That fan of hers… Who’s to say she’s not waiting outside for her? Can you afford to be stubborn?"

"Himeko, enough, please."

"I'm sorry, Mei-mei. I’ve been standing on the sidelines long enough. I'm taking a page off Aihara Yuzu's book. I'm going to support you even if you don't want me to. I know you care about her, but you have to show her."

"I thought you didn't like her."

"I don’t… Well… There are qualities about her... I could see why influenceable kouhais would be all over her. Which will cause us problems in the student council, but most importantly could expose your relationship with her.”

I sigh. I hate to admit it, but Himeko's view on the situation is more mature than mine. She's able to provide a neutral take. "I know what you’re trying to say, but I can’t," I say.

Himeko grins and pats me on the shoulder as she walks past me, “take care, Mei-mei. I’m happy I can be of some use to you.”. 

Be of some use to me?..

“I want you to need me. Could you do that?”

My lowest hour with Yuzu flashes before my eyes.   “Himeko…” I whisper. I’m looking at Himeko in a new light. Her reaction to Yuzu was no different from mine to Matsuri. I told her not to interfere with my business. How could she still look at such an insensitive person? Even Yuzu scolded me for being mean to her. 

With this, I have no choice but to go along with her wishes. I stepped on her pride more times than I want to remember. I watch her walk away with a tightness in my heart. I fully expect Yuzu to prioritize me over Taniguchi. Still, I am not sure I can do the same for her with Himeko for how much she suffers for being my friend.

I go back to the classroom. I don't see Yuzu, but Taniguchi is here. They usually linger at the school before wasting their time outside. Taniguchi eyes me briefly, then averts her gaze.

I don't see Yuzu's bag on her desk.

"Excuse me," I call out to Taniguchi.

"Yes?" She turns towards me.

"May I ask where Yuzu is?"

"My sis is picking me up, so she went ahead."

"Thank you for telling me," I say as I leave the classroom.

She doesn't reply. 

It seems she wanted to say something but decided not to. 

xxx

"I'm home," I say as I open the apartment door.

I don't see Yuzu's shoes. 

"Welcome home," Mom's voice comes from the living room.

I change out of my uniform. 

Yuzu didn't make it home despite having left before I did.

Himeko's words ring in my ear.  I imagine Yuzu being surrounded by three middle-schoolers, chattering away about fashion, and asking them what ribbon she should pick…

Staying alone with my thoughts when I am angry never leads to anything good. There is a chance Yuzu has been side-tracked on her way home. An acquaintance of hers, or Matsuri… She could have gone to the toilet before exiting the school. There are more than a hundred possible scenarios. 

Furthermore, I did hurry home when I didn’t find her in the classroom. There is a chance we passed her without noticing.

I calm myself down and make my way to the living room.

“Mei-chan!” Mom lifts a beer can as soon as she sees me. “Come have a drink with me!”

I clench my fist. Here I am telling Yuzu to be a role-model for our kouhais, while her own role-model is drunk while her daughters are out!

“I am disappointed in you as a parent…” I say, giving in to my frustration.

“Huh!” Mom is taken aback. “Oh, no… I made you tea.”

“Why are you drunk?”

“I’m celebrating a little something… I’ll tell you about it when Yuzu comes home.”

I take a seat and pour myself some tea. I give free rein to my anger and launch into a soliloquy, “this morning I scolded Yuzu, telling her it was high time she conforms to the school rules. I have let her be herself for long enough. She has to grow up now. She will be a senpai by April. How do you expect me to have any influence on her? In the first palace, it is your responsibility to have her dress properly, not mine! I know you don’t regard our school highly, but you chose to have her enrolled in.”

“When did I say I look down on your school? You’re going on an awful lot of assumptions there, young lady. I’m letting Yuzu get the youthful folly out of her system, but I plan to have her dye her back at some point, regardless of your school rules. Besides, I doubt any of your prim and proper conformist ojou-samas would even get close to Yuzu. Poor girl, she may never experience the fun of being a senpai...”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mom. This morning a student from Aihara-middle school stopped Yuzu and emphatically announced herself as being Yuzu’s biggest fan! Yes, she said ‘biggest,’ which implies there are other fans that are not quite as big, whatever that means...”

Mom burst into laughter.

“I’m home!” Yuzu’s voice came from the hallway. 

Mom raised her beer in Yuzu’s honour and cheered, “Woohoo! Let’s give a hand for everyone’s favourite teenage idol Yuzu-sama!”

“Mama, are you drunk?” Yuzu asked rhetorically.

“I heard about it from Mei-chan. You have a fan-club now, eh, Yuzu?”

Yuzu gave me a blank stare. Is she disappointed in me for telling Mom behind her back?

I have to keep my cool. This is not the time for the lover in me to be in the foreground. Come, school council president. I mirror Yuzu’s blank stare and say, “That student is from our middle school division, so don’t lead the poor girl astray.”

“What do you mean by astray?” Yuzu retorted.

“That’s right!” Mom interjects, “Isn't it about time you changed your hair colour back? Jeez, I’m sure your father’s happy enough.”

What?

“Father?” I prompt Mom to expand on what she said.

“Yuzu’s hair colour is the same as Yuzu’s father’s! He passed away when she was little. I don’t know where Yuzu got the idea in the first place, but I get the feeling she sees dyeing her hair as a way of honouring her dad, and that’s why she dyed it without telling me.”

Yuzu became agitated and tried to shut Mom up, “That was when I was little! I just do it now because I like it! Ugh! I’m going to change!”

 She turned on her heels and stormed away.

“Oh, my…” Mom watches her for a second.

It’s my fault. I’m the one who asked. I had no idea I had such a sentimental reason for dyeing her hair. Me and my assumptions… 

At the same time, I found another thing in common between us: we both strive to be like our fathers. Is this why she empathized with me despite my awful personality?

“Don’t worry,” Mom says as she sees the concern all over my face. “She’s just being shy.”

Be that as it may, I cannot afford Yuzu being mad at me. I stand up. “Excuse me… I’m going after her.”

Mom smiles. “I’ll leave her in your care.”

I follow Yuzu to our room and get in without knocking. As impolite as it is, I don’t want her to shut me out because I upset her.

When I opened the door, she seemed like she was deep in thought. She was contemplating a lock of her hair between her fingers.

“Ah, Mei,” she says as she hears me coming in. “Sorry for leaving my clothes lying around. I’ll pick them up in a second!”

“At least close the curtains…” I say, half-scolding her. I know I came to smooth things over but…

I can’t come up with a rational explanation. I know the chances of someone looking out at our window are slim. I still don’t like those odds of someone seeing her half-naked, with only her unbuttoned shirt on her back.

“Mei, you sure are lucky your hair is so naturally silky,” Yuzu says. “I’d love to have hair like yours.”

I do not want her to aspire to be like me. Studiousness aside, she’s perfect the way she is… 

I walk behind. I take a lock of her hair between my fingers, and press myself against her back. 

“Liar,” I say bluntly. “You really do like it, don’t you? This hair color...” She shudders as I run my hand through her hair. “Maybe you’re better off like this. Black hair doesn’t suit you, Yuzu.”

I let go of her, and turn away. 

“Is it really okay for the student council president to say such a thing?”

That wasn’t the student council president talking, dear Yuzu. It was the lover. I’m starting to neglect the sister, maybe I should let her talk, “it’s your hair. What you do about it is your decision.”

“Thank, Mei,” Yuzu says with a voice filled with gratitude. “Thanks to you, I feel like a weight has been lifted.”

I close the door behind me. Her body is extremely pleasant to touch. I have to control these urges. I thought attributing my paradoxical actions to different parts of me would bring order to my reflections, but the constant shifting from one part to the other is taking a toll. 

I go to the living room. Mom is not here. I sit on the couch and take a deep breath. I didn’t fathom three parts of me would have different positions. I want her to adhere to the rules as they would prepare her for society, but I don’t want her to change. If Yuzu lost her ability to act true to her nature, she wouldn’t be Yuzu anymore.

Yuzu joins shortly after and sits next to me. She steals side-glances while visibly fidgeting.

“What?” I ask. I spent enough time with Yuzu that if she isn’t probed, we’d be here all day.

She looks away and points to my lap, “Can I?”

“What do you mean?” I ask, as I can’t think of anything else to say.

She covers her face and says, “Can I rest my head on your lap?”

Compared to how aggressive, I was in our room, her approach is heart-warming. I know she can be assertive when pushed to, but I find her hesitation endearing sometimes.

I am not sure how to proceed. I’m suddenly conscious of my hands. I lift them up and say, “go ahead.”

She smiles nervously as she cautiously lies on the couch, resting her head against my right thigh. She reaches out to my hand and intertwines her fingers with mine. She gently pulls our joint hands to her side. I’m grateful she did this as I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands. I take responsibility for my other hand by gently caressing it the top of her head. She seems to like it, as she relaxes soon after.

“You know, Harumin asked me to follow the dress code today,” she says after a short pause.

This is an unprecedented event. She never tells what goes on between her and her friend.

“I could see why she’d ask you to do it,” I say. “Her older sister was the student council president before me.”

“She says her sister is going to visit the school soon. I don’t want to cause you any problems.”

“Well, you know my stance on the matter.”

She knows all my stances.

“I know you said it’s my decision,” Yuzu replies. “But it’s so hard… Kouhais, senpais, Mom… Everyone is on my case. I can handle that, but I don’t want anyone to be on your case because of me. Maybe I should dye my hair black… I can always dye it back after we graduate.”

“I will support your decision, whatever it is. You could at least dress more modestly.”

She giggles, “as long as you tell me I’m cute.”

“I’m glad you’re reconsidering your apparel, but I have a suspicion that you’re forgetting a more pressing matter…”

She eyes me quizzically.

I sigh.

“Exams,” I say.

She gulps.

“It seems I will have to supervise your studies again,” I say, pretending I’m not looking forward to it.

“I’m glad we made up,” she says smiling, “or I’d be in big trouble!”

“You should be able to study by yourself. Relying on me would hurt you eventually.”

“Jeez, Mei. I know it’s troubling for you, but I really enjoy studying with you.”

“Your behavior during the last time we studied suggests the opposite.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Be that as it may, let’s do our utmost.”

“I’ll be in your care…”

A kiss on her lips would have been the perfect conclusion to this surprisingly pleasant conversation, but Mom could walk in any minute. I run my hand through her hair. She closes her eyes and puts on a delighted smile. I feel sad somehow. Depending on what she decides, it could be the last time I see this color. She puts so much effort in preserving it. 

“Tell me about your father, if you don’t mind…” I say, as I remember the reason she dyed her hair in the first place.

“I don’t remember much of him, to be honest,” she says. “I think I’m in love of the idea of having a father watching over me more than anything… I always felt lonely when I saw other kids, so… I don’t know… I just wanted to have some sort of connection to him…”

“I understand… We can go visit him again, to ask for his blessings for our-…”

The word ‘relationship’ dies in my throat. Yuzu seems to have guessed what I was trying to say. She beams at me. “I’d love that…”

Unable to handle the tenderness of the Moment, I change the subject. “Mom is taking her time. Do you think she’s okay?”

 “We better go check up on her,” Yuzu sat up. “It’s been a while since she’s been this drunk.”

We go to her room. Yuzu knocks on the door.

“Come in,” Mom's voice comes out wobbly.

We find Mom face down on her pillow. She turns to look at us.

“Sorry, girls… I think I drank too much…”

“Jeez! Mom!” Yuzu was more upset than I’ve ever seen her. “Why did you drink so much on a freaking Monday night?”

Mom giggles. I remember she said she was celebrating something and that she'd tell us when Yuzu comes home.

I sit down on Mom’s bed and ask, “earlier, "you said you had an announcement for Yuzu and me…”

Mom props herself up, “oh, yeah… Shou needed help with building a school in India… Guess who worked out a deal for him and is now the supervising engineer…" She points at herself using her thumbs. "This gal!"

Yuzu was standing cross-armed with a reproaching look on her face since we came in. Upon hearing the news, she gives in, " I'd hug you, but you stink!" She says, her tone not matching her words.

"Ow…" Mom whimpers.

"Alright, let's give you a bath and put you to bed," Yuzu says as she makes her way to the closest to fetch a change of clothes for Mom. “Mei, could you please prepare the bath.”

I nod and head to the bathroom. Yuzu’s reprimanding voice could be heard as I didn’t close the door behind me. How many times did Yuzu have to care for Mom in this state? I have spent seven months with them and yet, there are sides of them I didn’t witness yet. Perhaps, I didn’t want to look. 

Getting attached to Yuzu and Mom is both the most terrible and the most wonderful thing that happened to me. I wanted to ask Mom about her time with my biological Mother. It doesn’t seem she appreciated their meeting.

Yuzu and Mom came shortly after I finished drawing the bath. I helped Yuzu support Mom and put her in the bath-tub.

Mom relaxes as Yuzu apologizes to me on Mom's behalf, "I'm sorry you had to see her like this. It's been… three years? Yes, three years since she got this drunk…"

"You don't have anything to apologize for," I state.

"Can I ask you for a favor? Could you not tell Dad about this?"

Mom laughs and cups Yuzu’s cheek, "Don't worry, dear. I’m gonna tell Shou all about it, and he’s gonna scold me. I’ll hate it, but I kinda like it. I know deep down he does it because he cares. Doesn’t that remind you of someone?”

They turned to look at me. I turn away. There’s no right answer for me. I decide to forgo this conversation with reckless abandon. 

“Since you’re sober enough to tease me, I’m assuming you’re sober enough to take a bath by yourself,” I say as I stand up.

“Hold on, Mei-chan…” Mom says. “Yuzu, could you give us a minute?”

Yuzu didn’t seem pleased with this. I know I wouldn’t be either if I were her. She did as asked, however.

"I feel sorry for Yuzu," Mom says as soon as Yuzu closed the bathroom door on her way out. "But I'm not sure whether you want her to hear what I'm about to say…" 

I give her a questioning look.

“I want to talk to you about your mother...” She declares.

“I don’t think you’re in a condition to have a serious conversation,” I remark.

“When you’ll get older you’ll discover that some things are impossible to discuss properly when you’re sober…”

“I'll take your word for it.”

“Plus, I can be as honest as I’d like and just blame it on being drunk when I tell Shou about this.”

“Understood.”

“Your mother is a bitch!”

Is this what she means by honest? I try my best to stay expressionless. No matter what, she is still my birth mother, and I won't stand for her being disrespected.

"At least that's what I'd have thought, had I met her six months ago…" Mom makes a concession. "Spending time with you, your father and grandfather, made me see things from a new perspective…You know, how you three don't express yourselves but are always adamant on shouldering responsibility above your means… I believe your mother is the same… She's… I don’t know if it’s my place to say so, but I believe your mother did what she thought was best for you… It took me a while to come to grips with how complicated your situation is… I feel so small for not having any advice to give you, but at the same time I don’t agree with your mother… Just, please don’t hate her…Okay?"

"You don’t have to concern yourself with the Aihara’s politics. I have nothing but respect towards my mother. I won’t harbor pointless hatred for actions that could not be helped.”

“Hey! I can take all that ‘don’t concern yourself’ from all three of them, but you’re twenty years too young to give me that! I’m your mother damn it! And my name is Aihara too now? Why the hell is everyone treating me like a stranger!”

“That’s not what I-...”

“Sorry… I know, I know… It’s just… So frustrating… Not being able to do anything for you… I’m not gonna lie… I thought Shou was exaggerating at first, but the more I learned, the more I came to see why things are the way they are… When Shou explained why he left you behind, I didn’t like it, but I accepted it. I couldn’t think of an excuse for your mother. The only explanation I could come up with is that she was forced… I didn’t think I could forgive her...”

“I’m sorry you had to learn the truth…”

Mother has been given the choice to take me with her or leave me with the Aiharas. She chose the latter. Being born in an upper-class family, she was not going to stay unwed for long. The long-term ramifications for the way her new family would treat me were countless. Not to mention my faculty to “betray” them and go back to the Aiharas any time I deemed necessary. I was an unnecessary liability to her new life and her new children if she were able to bear any. She even told me to stop contacting her once I got news that she had a new-born. I never contacted her. I never asked questions about her. 

“Yeah… But I’m not blaming her,” Mom says. “I’ve never had to make such a choice. I have no right to judge her. That’s probably the only way she knows how to live. For her, she probably was ensuring you have the best possible future while you fulfill your ‘duty.’ She told me not to get involved in this but are you okay with following in her footsteps,  marrying someone you don’t know, especially after what happened with that horrible teacher?”

“Grandfather said he will make sure that won’t happen again,” I say. There is no shortage of suitors, going by Grandfather’s words. He is being cautious. Amamiya-sensei’s scandal made a dent in the Aihara’s name reputation. I am ‘soiled’ now. The few kisses I shared with Amamiya would probably put my chastity under scrutiny. 

“Sometimes I wish Shou was more selfish and just yanked you out of that whole situation,” Mom said with a hint of frustration in her voice. “Doing so would contradict all he stands for, though. He knows there’s no one right way to live one’s life… He thinks forcing the future he chose on you is unfair, especially when you were raised to be the heir of the Aihara since you were born...” 

“It can’t be helped. I am the eldest daughter. I’m just taking the position sooner than expected.”

Mom stares at me pensively, then says, “what if Shou and I had a son?”

“Will you let him inherit a position that father has rejected?”

“At least he won’t have to marry someone he doesn’t love… Also, I think Shou will ultimately leave the choice to him as he would feel it’s not fair to force his own ideals on him… Basically the same thing he’s doing with you…”

“He didn’t mention any of this when we spoke to each other…”

“See why you need to get me drunk? I would never let this slip while sober. I’m sure there’ll come a time when you two will talk all of this crap out!”

“Please refrain from referring to our family matters using such terms.”

“Oh... Sorry. That, on the other hand, is why you shouldn’t talk to me when I’m drunk. Yuzu must be getting worried. Go to her. I can go to bed by myself,” She says as she leans back and relaxes her muscles. “Sorry for the trouble.”

I stand up. I don’t think she is as drunk as she’s pretending to be. 

“You said you’d take me with you next time you go see her…” I say, as I’m unsatisfied with how this conversation has gone. She treated it as a chore she needed to get out of the way…

“Of course… Do you want to?”

“When you said it last time, it was… an order…”

“I was mad that day… I’m sorry. This might be cruller from me, considering the situation, but I’m giving you a choice. I’ll respect your wishes.”

“My wish is for you and father to never bring this up in front of Yuzu…”

Mom’s eyes widened. All the tipsiness from alcohol visibly gone. “Why?”

I turn away, as I can’t say these words straight to her face, “Yuzu has been in enough pain; she worries for me too much already… She’s too sensitive to handle this.”

She lets out a laugh, grabs my wrist, then pulls me in a hug. 

“You’re wet! My clothes!” I shout.

“You can always change, but I can’t always get you when you’re at your weakest.” She plants a kiss on my cheek. “Alright. I’ll respect your wishes and tell your father for you, but in exchange, I want you to tell Yuzu all about it, okay? Take your time and tell her when you think you’re both ready. Yuzu is stronger than you think.”

“I promise…”

“I love you.”

A knot formed in my heart. Before I could suppress them, my tears started flowing. 

Why do Yuzu and her say those three words so easily? None of my blood-related family told me they loved me. How come a woman I didn’t know,  who became family through a piece of paper she co-signed with my father,  felt this way about me?

I don’t have the strength to question her feelings, but I want them to be true. 

A soft knock on the bathroom door yanks me from my disarray. Yuzu's voice comes from behind the door.

I can’t make out what she says. I break away from Mom’s and grab the nearest towel. I dry my tears and put on my bravest face. At least I think I did.

I open the door for her and bolt away before she could get a good look at my face. 

From the hallway, I could hear Yuzu reprimanding Mom for upsetting me.

I change out of my wet clothes and throw myself onto the bed. I wait for Yuzu to come in.

“I love you, Mei, and these feelings will never betray you. So, Mei, if you feel the same way… Please, kiss me.” 

I didn’t exactly kiss her. Does she think I don’t love her? 

She asked if I liked her right after she kissed me.

Why was I unable to kiss her, despite having done it many times before then?

It’s because kissing her at that moment was as good as saying, “I love you.”

“ these feelings will never betray you.”

Therein lies the problem. Where does she draw such confidence? Could it that Father and Mother never said they love me because they knew their feelings would betray me someday? One wouldn’t leave a person they love behind, would they?

It is not like Yuzu pushed me into this “love”. She physically refused it, but I couldn’t let go. 

I wanted to know her feelings, but I couldn’t reciprocate them properly when she laid them bare. Perhaps there are degrees? Is her love for me stronger than mine is for her?

Her actions speak louder than mine in any case…Yuzu comes in. Her brows furrowed, she complains how Mom kept insisting, "just go and ask Mei-chan."

She lies beside me and says, "so… what did she say to you? I mean I don't wanna meddle, but you looked so upset when you walked past me…"

"You say you don't wanna meddle, but you ask me anyway," I remark. "If our time together is any indication, you're the most meddlesome person I have ever met.”

"I'm sorry," she says in a small voice. "You know… As your girlfriend… erm…"

"Thanks to that habit of yours, I patched things with Father… It's not all bad. Don't worry about this. Trust me, it's nothing like that."

"Really?"

I reach out and pinch her cheek and stretch it out. She cries out even though I didn't pull too hard.

"Shouldn't you be worrying about yourself for a change?" I ask. "You should be focused on studying right now. You always manage to find a distraction when you have to hit the books."

"So unfair! I studied hard last time."

"You did, but don't you remember? In the middle of a study session, you asked what that kiss we had after Father left meant."

"I mean, that kiss was different… I don't know how to put it, but, in a way, I think it was our first real kiss…"

I know what she means. It warms my heart that we feel the same way. 

Yuzu looks deep into my eyes, glances briefly at my lips, then refocuses on my eyes again. 

I can't hold eye-contact for too long. I avert my field of vision, and become aware of how dry my lips are. I wish she'd look away for a second so that I could moisturize them. I want to steal a glance at her, but I can’t face that look again.

"What?" I ask despite precisely knowing what is on her mind. That one-word-question gives a chance to furtively lick my lips.

I'm not sure they're moist enough. I hope she doesn't think dry lips are unpleasant to kiss. 

"Alright! I'm gonna rank in the top 50 this time around!" Yuzu says, enthusiastically raising her fist up in the air. She gives me an expectant look. "And if I do… will you kiss me?"

I face away from her.

"Learning should be its own reward," I say, trying to hide my frustration. There's a month between now and the test results. But that is not why I'm in a foul mood. In her own words, kissing should be about confirming each other's feelings. Not some sort of carrot on a stick. 

"Good night," I say as I turn away. 

"I get that you and I have secrets," Yuzu says. "I didn't think you and Mom would hide things from me. I'm sorry for prying." Yuzu curls up in a fetal position. Is she sulking?

I tried to shift her focus away from that subject to no avail. She is stubborn when she gets hung up on something.

Our second night as lovers, and we're already fussing about each other's failings.

I'm not going through this again. Yuzu crossed the many gulfs I put between us to get us to where we are. I failed to realize she couldn't sort out her feelings before. The result was an agonizing two months. I am… We are not going to go through that sort of thing again.

I will try to be the accommodating one this time around. I concoct the quickest harmless lie I could think of, “We talked about a private matter concerning Grandfather. You know how he is.”

Forgive me, Grandfather.

“Jeez. That’s it?” Yuzu asks, her expression split between relief and bemusement. “I think he’s past being embarrassed with me.”

“Be it as it may, he is a proud man.”

Yuzu snuggles up to me. “You said you enjoyed my warmth.”

“That’s true, but we’re past winter now.”

“What’s the first day of Spring?”

“March 21st.”

“And what day is today.”

“February 28th.”

“So technically…”

I sigh, and she laughs. 

On our first night as lovers, we’re not doing anything as lovers do, yet I feel such bliss.

“White day in two weeks,” Yuzu remarks. 

“Exams start in two weeks,” I remind her. 

“But we promised we’d make chocolates together!”

Why is she making it sound like I was the one who planned the exams on that day? Furthermore, I don’t recall any promise. We agreed we’d make them together, but there was no mention of it being a promise. Somehow, I feel mentioning that wouldn’t alleviate her disappointment.

“How about we finish our preparation a day early and make them a day before the exams?” I suggest.

She squeezes my arm with enthusiasm. “You’re a genius!”. With that, she rests her head against the nook of my neck. “Good night, Mei.”

“Good night.”

I squeeze the bed sheet with my free hand.

What just happened?

If I understand the situation correctly, Yuzu is happy with my proposal and praised me for it! 

Am I starting to get acclimated to the lover role?

I considered her feelings before saying the first thing that came to my mind and it paid dividends.

I want to kiss her!

Mei… Calm yourself. You did a good thing, but she didn’t kiss you for it. It means it wasn’t good enough.

I just have to be patient. I will take this small victory and build on it. 

Tomorrow I will work on a study schedule to make sure our “promise” is fulfilled.

xxx

“I take it things went well with Yuzu yesterday,” Himeko remarks once we were alone.

Himeko went out of her to request that we don’t have lunch with Yuzu and Taniguchi, saying that she can’t discuss some things in front of them.

“You could say there is an improvement, yes,” I say, still unsure what are the limits of what is acceptable to be disclosed to Himeko. 

“Details, please and thank you,” Himeko probes as if confiding in her was her unspoken right.

“May I ask a question, Himeko?” 

“Of course.”

“Don’t you feel uncomfortable when I talk about Yuzu, considering how you… how should I put it? Disapprove of her as my lover?”

“Oh, Mei-mei… This is the first time you had a lover. Of course, I need details! That way I can give you good advice when you need it.”

It is true that I could use all the help I can get, but as far as I know, Himeko is as inexperienced in matters of love as I am.

“Plus, I don’t ‘disapprove’ of Yuzu entirely…” she adds with a sad undertone. 

“What do you mean?”

“Enough about me! Did you kiss?”

“No…”

“And things ‘improved’ because?”

I suddenly feel inept thinking there was any sort of improvement, now that the situation is under himeko’s scrutiny. I want her to like Yuzu. Maybe not like her as much as I do, but at least to think she’s a good lover to me.

“She… praised me…”

“What did she say?”

I feel my ears turning red as I meet Himeko’s expectant eyes. “She said I’m... a genius...”

Himeko’s expression briefly turned into one of disappointment before bursting into laughter.

“What? It’s a good compliment.” I protest, knowing how unromantic my story sounds. 

Himeko went on laughing for a good minute. I would've left her behind if it weren’t for my record of insensitivity.

.”I’m sorry,” she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “I knew Yuzu was bad at romance, but I didn’t think she’s that bad.”

“She’s not bad.”

“Okay, okay. Maybe I’d understand if you put things in context.”

I do my best to recount things while showing Yuzu in a good light. Himeko didn’t interrupt me.

“That’s the gist of it,” I say to signal the end of my recit. 

Himeko ponders for a moment before saying, “If anything, I’m grateful to Yuzu for making you share so much of your life with me.”

Did I go overboard? 

“I think she’s holding out on you,” Himeko declares. “She wants to keep the kisses special, so unless the mood is right, she won’t kiss you.” 

“Mood?”

“You know… A kiss comes naturally when the romantic atmosphere is there. That’s why she asked you if you would kiss her if she got in the top 50. It’s romantic when you do your best for your lover. ”

“Comes naturally…” I contemplate. 

It is true that our first ‘real’ kiss, as Yuzu puts it, came naturally. So that’s what was different! Our other kisses until then were somewhat forced. 

“Or you could just be spontaneous and surprise her with a kiss,” Himeko suggests.

“For reasons I won’t get into, I decided to no longer initiate a kiss myself. At least for now.”

“You already shared more than you did in the last three years, so I won’t be greedy. You know what? I’ll look up ways for you to set the mood, and you try them out.”

“You have to focus on your studies. Yuzu and I will be doing that as well.”

Himeko pouts but doesn’t protest. What would Yuzu say in this situation?

“I’ll look them up myself.” I say. “Thank you so much for your input, though. I’ll be in your care from now on.”

Himeko smiles, “I’m glad.”

xxx

While making the study plan, I found myself thinking “I should give Yuzu a break here.” It is unlike me to plan for breaks. The lover in me is sneaking up more often than I care for. It is already responsible for removing a whole day from our schedule. I kept wondering where “considering her feelings” stops. It was easier to impose a plan on her.

Mom left this morning for India. It has been a while since I’ve seen her excited about anything. I didn’t know why it is exactly that father “needed” her there, beyond the official reason.

Yuzu and split the chores as usual, despite Yuzu suggesting we do them together. If it were any other time, I would have agreed, but we needed to be more efficient in managing our time and energy.

Yuzu was in charge of groceries today, so we went home separately. She didn’t bring an umbrella despite me telling her earlier that it might rain today. When it started raining while I was on my way home, the “lover” part of me wanted to follow her to the store. 

After considering my options, I decided it was best to go home and prepare a bath for her. I could probably join her.

Then it dawned on me. We have the house to ourselves for a week. It was not like we had never been alone together at home, but the fact that we could give free rein to our “lovers” status without fear that Mom might see us was a novel occurrence.

My steps quickened just to find Matsuri at the entrance of our building.

“AH! Mei-san,” she says as she sees me. “Welcome home.”

She’s soaking wet. 

“What’s your business here?” I ask, refusing to give into her games anymore.

“Ara ara, Mei-san. You owe me some tutoring. I’m in big trouble thanks to you.” 

“How am I responsible for anything going on in your life?”

“Are you telling me that you’d have been okay if I won?”

I can’t deny that I, too, would blame Matsuri if Yuzu had chosen her. 

I sigh and walk past her. “I’m not playing mind games with you anymore. What are your intentions?” 

Matsuri catches up to me and says, “Oh nothing. I figured it’d be easier if you helped me and I wanted to make sure you’re treating Yuzu-chan well.”

“I suppose I could land you a hand, but you don’t have to concern yourself for Yuzu. I...”

I open the door, she gets in behind me. Matsuri let out an exaggerated laugh. 

“ ‘You don’t have to concern yourself for Yuzu,’ she says. Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason I’m letting you play around with her is that I know this relationship you have is temporary… Meanwhile, I am forever, bitch.”

I know she can’t begin to fathom how true her words are. Or maybe she does. In any case, she insulted me at the mall. She blackmailed at our school. If she thinks she comes to our home and still have the upper hand, she has another thing coming for her.

“I don’t think you’re eating well, Matsuri.”

“Huh?”

“I bet it’s easy for you to catch a cold.”

“What?”

“I bet Yuzu would be worried if you did. She’d nurse back to health instead of focusing on the exams.” 

“And I bet you won’t like that,” Matsuri says with a mischievous smile.. 

Let me show what the lesbian bitch is capable of.

With a quick move, I lift her up and carry her to the bathroom. She tries to struggle against me but to no avail. In less than two minutes, I was scrubbing her like a cat. 

What am I? A bully? 

After I finished with her and put her in the bath, I proceeded to wash myself.

Apart from protesting when I was washing her, she was silent. She even seemed to let herself relax in the tub.

“Yuzu-chan used to bathe with me all the time,” she says after a while.

“Good,” I reply, trying to not let it show that Yuzu only bathed twice together in all our time as sisters.

“You don’t know how lucky you are,” she says. 

I try to make out her expression through the steam. 

“I think I know…” I reply. 

“Then why aren’t you replying to Yuzu’s feelings?”

Then it dawned on me that Matsuri is probably not aware of Yuzu and I being lovers now.

“When was the last time you spoke to Yuzu?” I ask, to check whether Yuzu is hiding that fact from her. 

“A month ago, I think…”

“I see,” I say as I join her in the bath tub. I sit across from her and look her in the eye. “Yuzu and I are dating, and I am not handing her to anyone.”

Her mischievous smile comes back. “So, did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“I guess that means no. Mei-san, that’s no good,” she says as she gets out of the bath. “If you get complacent, someone might steal her away, and I don’t mean me.”

“I’ll get you a change of clothes. Come back to the tub.”

I think she just realized she didn’t have a change of clothes outside. A hint of embarrassment crept across her face. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to have her over so that I could see through the cracks of that front she puts on.

She’s upfront about caring for Yuzu, and I appreciate that. Perhaps I could learn from her.

I fetched a change of clothes for both of us. While changing, the conversation turned into what she needs to study. She barely knew the titles of her lessons. When I reprimanded her, she said, “What’s the point? I’m gonna learn everything tonight.”

Then I explained to her that Mom is absent and that she should behave herself nonetheless, as Yuzu and I have to study. All I got was a moue in response.

Upon hearing the buzzer, she ran out of the bathroom to greet Yuzu. I caught up with her and started drying her hair.

No matter how hard I try, what she said earlier bothers me. She might be taking me for a ride, but I won’t know until I try?

“Stop talking as soon as Yuzu comes in. What do you mean by ‘someone might take her away?’”

“You know…” She smirks, “That girl who’s always following Yuzu like a puppy. Legs for days and huge boobs. Don’t tell me you don’t think she looks at Yuzu funny?”

Taniguchi.

 “I’m home”, Yuzu’s voice comes from the hallway.

“She’s her close friend. I, too, have one.”

Bad example. 

As long as Yuzu doesn’t look at Taniguchi that way, I have nothing to worry about. 

“Ah! Yuzu chan,” Matsuri turns to Yuzu as she comes in. “Welcome home.”

“Matsuri?” Yuzu says with mild surprise in her voice. I suppose this means Matsuri didn’t talk to Yuzu beforehand. “Why do the two of you look like you just got out of the bath?”

Because that is what we did.

“What are you doing here?” Yuzu yelled all of a sudden.

“The two of us had business to-...” Matsuri tries to explain.

“Quiet you,” I interrupt her from saying anything ridiculous. “This girl showed in front of our house with no umbrella.”

“At first, I thought Mei-san wouldn’t let me in. Then she grabbed me and shoved me into the bath, like a cat. It doesn’t look like the rain is going to stop, so I thought I could stay over tonight.” Matsuri freed herself from me and walked up to Yuzu and hugged her. “So it seems like the two of you were able to kiss and make up, and Yuzu’s Mom is out of town. So, let’s make the most of it… Eh, Yuzu-chan?”

Matsuri was getting too close to Yuzu for my liking. That and Yuzu’s distressed expression pushes me to physically separate them. It seems I have to keep Matsuri from teasing Yuzu. Matsuri cares for Yuzu, yet she likes to mock her. Isn’t it paradoxical? 

“The bath is ready, Yuzu. I’ll bring you a change of clothes. As for you,” I turn to Matsuri, “You’re helping me with dinner.”

“Fine,” Matsuri says with exaggerated exasperation. 

After making sure Yuzu was in the bath, I grabbed a change of clothes from her side of the closet and left it outside for her. Then I joined Matsuri in the kitchen, who was looking through our fridge. 

I sigh audibly at her rudeness, then give her her instruction. “There is some leftover curry Yuzu made. You heat that up while I make a salad.”

“Boo… I was hoping for something more tasty,” Matsuri says in protest.

“Yuzu’s cooking is delicious. No one is forcing you to eat, though.”

“You’re a terrible host. And here I was giving valuable information about potential rivals.”

“If you’re referring to Yuzu’s friend Taniguchi, I’m assuring you you’re off the mark.” At least, that is what I want to believe. 

“I don’t know where you get that confidence from, but I ran into her the other day and asked her if she liked Yuzu-chan. Do you know what she said?”

I keep quiet. I want to know, but Matsuri would use that to lure me into one of her games.

“She said that she likes Yuzu,” she continues without waiting for my answer, “but doesn’t have a crush on her.”

“Then there is no point to this conversation.”

She sniggers. “I thought you, of all people, would see through her. Remember what you told me? About closing your heart to the people around you? That girl is the same. And just like you and I, she got latched onto Yuzu.” 

Matsuri’s argument is starting to make sense, but still, I’m not compelled to buy it. First, there is no guarantee she’s telling the truth. Second, I witnessed firsthand the lengths this girl can go to to achieve what she wants. 

“I appreciate your concern, but Yuzu and I will be fine.”

“I’m on your side, Mei-san, but I think she suits Yuzu-chan more than you do,” she says, smiling. “Try to stay in my good books. I’ll go check on Yuzu-chan.”

I’m starting to think inviting this girl into our home was a mistake. She’s trying to lead me into a path I have no use for. Yuzu said her feelings would never betray me, and I owe it to Yuzu to have faith in her. 

Yuzu and Matsuri joined me after I finished setting up the table. Yuzu tied her hair using a headband that looked delightful on her. She had a nice rosy glow after the bath. I wish I was there to dry her hair, but I’m sure matsuri would have gotten in the way.

“Just so you, Yuzu-chan,” Matsuri boasts, “ Mei-san made the salad, but the rest was all.”

“All you did was heat up the curry,” I clarify but feel silly for doing so.

“Oh, right!” Yuzu says. “This was the leftover curry I made.”

“Yuzu-chan and Mei-san…” Matsuri says, “You two need to keep your stamina and strength up.”

“Huh? Why?”

“When I decide to do something, I’m the type to go all in. I intend to give it my all from dusk to dawn.”

“There’s no way we can do it all night,” I bring matsuri back to earth. Rest is part and parcel of productivity, as I’ve learned the hard way.

“Speak for yourself, grandma. Even if you seem like you’re about to give up, Mei, I won’t let go to sleep~!”

I wince at the sudden drop of the honorific, but this is Matsuri. Showing any sign of being rattled is out of the question.

Speaking of being rattled, Yuzu doesn’t look like she’s taking Matsuri’s presence too well. “Hey!” She intervenes with a high-pitched tone. “More importantly, why not play a game until morning? I bought a new video game...”

“Oh, are you sure?” Matsuri says. “I’m pretty good at games. If we play as a threesome…”

“Whaaaa?! It doesn’t work like that, you can’t play as a threesome. Let’s play cards! Hm? Though I think you can play cards as a threesome...”

“Yuzu,” I intervene as the course of the conversation isn’t sitting well with me. How could she think about games so close to the exams? “We both know Matsuri isn’t here to play games.”

“Oh, Mei-san, you’re cute when you’re mad,” Matsuri mocks.

Yuzu looks at me with distraught in her eyes. “I think I’ll pass…” she says.

I wonder what is the correct course of action for me. I can’t go forcing her to study when she’s like this. “Then It’ll just be the two of us,” I say to Matsuri.

I leave Yuzu behind to do the dishes and take Matsuri to our room. 

“Are you okay with this?” Matsuri asks as we close the door. “You just made up, after all.”

“No need for concern,” I try to sound confident. 

“If you say so.”

I expected more mockery but Matsuri seemed genuinely pondering if I knew what I was doing. Neither of us wastes further time discussing Yuzu. We just got on with studying. Matsuri was too far behind. 

It wasn’t long until we heard louds steps before the door sprung open, with Yuzu at the other side of it.

“Isn’t having a threesome a bit fast?!” Yuzu shrieks as she comes in. 

What is she talking about?

She lingers at the door, with an expression that suggested the realization of a misunderstanding. 

Matsuri’s smile returns along with her teasing, “So you wanna keep Mei-san all to yourself even as your study buddy? Yuzu-chan, you’re too controlling.”

“Be quiet. You’re lucky I’m helping you at all,” I try to assist Yuzu. “ Yuzu, you may as well take a seat. I’ll tutor you at the same time.”

“Uh, okay. That would be good, actually…” Yuzu says with the voice of someone who just realized they forgot something important. 

Matsuri snickers before saying, “So, Yuzu-chan, what did you mean by ‘threesome’?”

Yuzu blushes.

I roll a notebook and smack Matsuri on the head. 

“Ow! What’s wrong with you?” Matsuri protests.

“I said, ‘quiet.’ Can you afford to mess around when you’re so far behind?”

Yuzu laughs and says, “You have no idea how strict Mei can be when it comes to studying. But you won’t have to worry. Just follow her lead, and you’ll be okay.”

I try to make sure I stay as impassive as I can to Yuzu’s praise. Matsuri won’t let me hear the end of it if my expression reflects my feelings. 

It didn’t take long for the study session to take its flow. Matsuri is a fast learner and didn’t need much practice before grasping the concepts. Not surprising, considering how she manipulated me last Christmas. 

By the end of our study session, I was giving her the most complicated exercises I could find, and she was still able to cut through them like butter. Yuzu’s progress seemed so unsatisfying in comparison. 

As soon as Yuzu stammered to the subject of sleeping arrangements, mentioning that Mom’s room was empty, I knew another wave of Matsuri’s teasing would start.  Upon seeing her smirk, I rose to Yuzu’s defence, “Could you please let us sleep in peace? You can’t mess around either. You only covered one-quarter of what you need.”

“What? Are you worried about me?” Matsuri countered-attacked.

“No, but I’d hate to see my time wasted.” 

“I could just flop on purpose. The look on your face would be worth it.”

“I trust you wouldn’t. There must be a reason you asked me for help. You don’t strike me as the responsible type.”

“Now that you mention it…” Yuzu puts a finger on her chin in a gesture very reminiscent of Mom. “The last time I saw Matsuri put any effort in school is when her d-...”

“I just felt like it!” Matsuri cut Yuzu off. 

It was Yuzu’s turn to put a mischievous smile on. “You dad is back in town!” 

“That’s not the reason!” 

Matsuri’s cheeks turning red as she gives me a side glance is a refreshing sight. I understand her embarrassment more than most. I don’t know what to do with the fact that Matsuri and I are somewhat kindred spirits.  

“I have no interest in why you’re doing it,” I say as I stand to make my way to the bathroom, “ but you will come back tomorrow and we’re going to finish where we left off. It is no use if you stop halfway.”

xxx

The exam preparation was uneventful, save for Mom and father calling occasionally to check on us. Matsuri would turn polite when addressing our parents. Father kept on referring to her as “Matsuri-chan”. It is the first time I heard him use “chan” for other than Yuzu and me. I tried not to read too much into it, but I couldn’t help but wonder what his impressions of her were. 

Any hope of a romantic tete-a-tete while Mom was away dissipated the Moment it was convened that Matsuri would cram for her exams at our house. I didn’t want our relationship to distract her from studying. Still, Yuzu kept playing video games with Matsuri whenever I gave her time to relax. Matsuri knew about us, which means Yuzu could have easily asked for a private moment with me. Instead, she chose video games with Matsuri every single time. Did she start to take me for granted as soon as I became hers? 

Matsuri slept with us in our bed. Yuzu stopped snuggling up to me out of meekness, probably, which was a good decision. I had to sleep in the middle to separate them because, otherwise, Matsuri’s mockeries would not have stopped, and that would have been detrimental to Yuzu’s sleep..   

At one point, I gave Matsuri house chores out of spite. It backfired quickly. She kept asking Yuzu for help for every single little thing. Yuzu explained later that the Mizusawas had a nursemaid who took care of housekeeping for her.

I still thought anyone could figure out how to operate a washing machine on their own.

That must be why Matsuri is affectionate towards Yuzu. Yuzu doesn’t judge her. She accepts her as she is and tries to help her.

Same as she does with me.

In other words, I can’t help but see myself in Matsuri. That is why I feel both aversion and empathy for her.

I ended up being the one assisting Matsuri with housework. If she was going to get in the way of my time with Yuzu, the least I could do is extend the same courtesy for her.

Adding Matsuri’s to our study schedule meant we couldn’t finish with a day to spare. Yuzu said she didn’t mind as Matsuri’s request was more important than hers. 

On the eve of 14th of March, Matsuri didn’t sleep at our place, naturally, as we all needed a good night's sleep before the exams.

Yuzu looked more relaxed compared to the previous exams. She must have grown in confidence after her decent rank last time.

“Happy Valentine and White Day!” Yuzu comes to me after dinner with a decorated box. “I know we couldn’t celebrate it as we planned, but…” She lifts the lid to reveal a set of heart-shaped chocolates. “I hope you like them.”

I pick one and contemplate it. How is eating a heart supposed to be romantic? Am I overthinking the symbolism?

Yuzu leans in and eats the chocolate I was holding. It felt like she kissed my fingers. 

“Here!” Yuzu holds up another chocolate. 

I take it. She looks at me, befuddled. 

I’m an idiot. I was supposed to eat it off her hand.

I lean in and kiss her empty fingers as she did mine. 

I look up and see that she looks flustered. Did I salvage the romance of the Moment?

“Happy Valentine and White day to you, too,” I say as I eat my chocolate, trying to hide my unease of how I turned what could have been a sweet Moment into an awkward one.

“Thank you,” Yuzu’s smile returns. 

I wonder if a kiss is the natural development of this situation. I look her in the eye, trying to find some sort of answer to my silent question.

“What?” She asks.

I suppose it isn’t. Himeko’s words about Yuzu potentially trying to keep the kisses special ring in my head. I know Himeko was going on an assumption, but it is strange that Yuzu didn’t even attempt to kiss me even within the context of what is supposed to celebrate our relationship. It can’t be her usual shyness either. Eating the chocolate off my hand was bold in its own right. 

“Isn’t there something we should be doing?” I say, not fully knowing if it’s enough of a hint.

She peers at the clock behind me. “I know we should go to bed, I just wanted to do this since we couldn’t do it as we planned.”

“It’s fine,” I say, realizing this was as far as this would go. 

Maybe it’s best for us to sleep right away, after all. A kiss could lead to things I dare not even think about on the eve of the exams.

xxx

Spring Break

By the time Mom returned home, a few days before spring break, Yuzu and I had just received our exam results.

The tableau she was greeted with is the last I’d have wanted her to see. I had Yuzu pinned on the floor. We were sweaty and our clothes in shambles. Furniture from the living room was all over the place, and a pillow from our bedroom was tossed to the side.

“Wh-what happened here?” Mom asks.

I let go of Yuzu and stand up. I put my clothes in order, and bow to Mom, “Welcome home. I hope you had a good trip.”

“Welcome home, Mom,” Yuzu says without standing up. “It’s my fault!”

“Of course, it is!” I say.

“But you were the one who-.... Agh!”

“I’m home!” A voice came from the hallway.

It was Father’s!

Yuzu and I exchange looks, and without another word, we start restoring order in the living room.

“Dear, come quick!” Mom urged Father. 

“No!” Yuzu and I say in unison.

Father walked through the door frame to see us in our most unflattering state. 

I could tell he was holding back a laugh. Mom, on the other hand, was laughing her heart out.

“Welcome home, father,” I bow to him and pick up the pillow. “Excuse us,” I say before making my way to our room, dragging Yuzu behind me.. 

“Welcome home, dad!” Yuzu says enthusiastically. 

I close the door behind us. I try to take in all that happens in the past few minutes. 

Mom didn’t say anything about Father coming to visit. Another one of her “surprises,” no doubt. She knows it backfired the first time she did it. Why in the world would she do that again?

Yuzu interrupts my train of thought by pulling me into a bear hug.

“Dad’s here!” She squeaks. “You can talk to him face to face now!”

Yuzu is right. This time, there is no invisible barrier between Father and me. I can’t let the fact that he saw me in a less than ideal situation dissuades me from properly welcoming him.

“Right. Don’t think this saved you,”  I say, breaking away from her.

She smiles and says, “I’m so happy we became sisters!” 

I feel somewhat conflicted about being dismissed in such a manner. Her easy-going nature could cause problems. My first thought is to tell her that while Father is here we’re sisters and nothing else. Saying such a thing is likely to hurt her feelings, but also would have the opposite effect. Bringing that subject to the foreground would render her self-conscious, which is no probably worse than her acting carefree. . 

“Let’s not make them wait,” I say, deciding there is nothing I can do now to prepare Yuzu or myself. Best to just take things as they go.

Mom wrapped us in a hug as soon as we returned to the living room, “I missed you so much! Now go give your dad a hug, so he doesn’t get jelly!”

“They don’t have to…” Father said with a nervous smile.

“Yes, they do!” Mom pushes us against him. 

“Welcome home!” Yuzu hugs him instantly.

Father wraps his arm around my shoulder in a reserved manner, yet far from being devoid of emotion.

How many years has it been since I last felt his embrace?

They say a parent is biggest in their children's eyes.

His absence was and still is the most painful thing I had to endure. 

Yet, my pain is nothing compared to Yuzu’s. Her Father’s absence was irreversible. 

I kept clinging to the hope that Father would return and felt the ground collapsed from underneath me when I felt he changed. I used it as an excuse to put Yuzu down.

Yuzu never had such hope in the first place. Yet she used her father’s memory to give her strength, and she channelled it into lifting me up.

“Welcome home, Father,” I say.

“Thank you,” he tightens his embrace on Yuzu and me.

I missed him.

Just like when I read Father’s letters, Yuzu started crying.

“Yuzu-chan, what’s wrong?” Father says 

“Yuzu…” I extended my hand to her, but stopped upon recalling how that kiss started.

Mom comes from behind and pulls Yuzu towards her. “Don’t worry, she’s just relieved you guys finally met,” Mom says. 

Yuzu nods in agreement and wipes her tears. 

“How about the two of us go to my room, and let these two idiots catch up?” Mom leads Yuzu away.

Yuzu gives me a meaningful smile and a little wave.

I realize Father was watching me. 

“It seems you and Yuzu developed quite the relationship,” he comments.

“We act sisterly towards each other, if that is what you mean,” I think it is best to steer his impressions towards what I want him to believe.

 “I’m grateful for that. I wasn’t sure things would progress as well as they did. To be honest with you, marrying Ume was me just grasping for straws. I’m lucky she turned out to be such a wonderful person.”

Grasping for straws? What was he so desperate for?

“You must be exhausted,” I say. “Let me prepare some tea.”

“I will take you up on that. Thank you.”

I thought I’d take that opportunity to collect my thoughts, but Father joined me. 

“How is everything going at school?” He asks

Everything? Does he mean Grandfather, my studies, or the student council?

“All is well,” I opt for concision.”How was your time with Mom?”

“She made things lively,” he says with a smirk. “She was a big help as well. She can’t stop talking about you and Yuzu.”

“What did she say?”

“Well, the gist of it is that you look happier when you’re around each other, despite giving each other hard times from time to time. Like real siblings.”

I wonder how much she shared with him, exactly. It is not my place to set ground rules about what she may tell him. It is disconcerting. 

“That is one way to look at it,” I say.

“Then what’s your way to look at it?”

The least we talk about my relationship with Yuzu, the better.

 “It does take us a while to come to an understanding, but we always do.”

“Ume says Yuzu changed a lot since she’s started living with you. She believes you changed as well, from the little she’s seen of you.”

I remember her saying Yuzu stopped confiding in her, but what does she think changed in me?

“I hope she thinks we changed for the better.”

“Change is inevitable. People we meet alter its course, but that is all there is to it.”

“How do you think you have changed since meeting Mom?”

“For one, I don’t think I’d be here, talking to you.”

I know I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Yuzu.

“And for that,” Father bows down, “please forgive me.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who didn’t read your letters.”

“I guess that’s one part that didn’t change.”

I give him a quizzical look.

“Being too mature for your age. Although, in many ways, it is my fault that you have to-...”

“Father, may I make a request?”

“By all means.”

“Could you please refrain from discussing the Aihara matters in front of Yuzu?”

“Is there a reason you don’t want her to know?”

“Consider it a selfish request.”

He eyes me with a hint of suspicion then says, “I suppose I owe you that much, at least.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I will say this, however, as I haven’t had a chance to tell you. It didn’t feel right to do it over the phone. I decided to take over the academy on my own volition.”

“Are you saying this so I could follow the path I’ve chosen without concern?”

“Not at all.”

“I will take your word for it. However, from now on, allow me to watch over you. Talk to me about everything you’re doing, your intentions, your plans. I still can offer advice and an understanding ear.” 

The fact that he’s asking for permission to be involved in my life makes me wonder how deep our misunderstanding goes. None of that matters. Yuzu and Mom worked hard to give us an opportunity to start over.

“I will be in your care.”

Father takes a deep breath. I think weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “So, I hope Ume doesn’t tease you too much.”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” I say truthfully. I would rather succumb to her humour than her anger ever again.

As I think that, Mom sneaks behind my dad and pinches his cheeks. “Don’t worry, darling. I don’t tease her as much as you.”

Yuzu was on Mom’s heels, enjoying the absurd spectacle. She had dried her tears.  This is the second time she cried for my sake. Father said people we meet affect the changes in us. I wonder what the extent of our effect on each other is.

I don’t want her to change one bit.

“By the way!” Mom says, “What were you up to when we came in?”

I glare at Yuzu, and she flinches in response. 

“Yuzu, what did you do?” Mom says, reading the room.

“Well…” Yuzu scratches her head. “Mei saw the exam results, and my ranking didn’t improve. I’m glad all she used to hit me is a pillow.”

“Could you remind me what you said when I told your rank?” I say, making sure my voice was calm and collected. 

“Well…” Yuzu looks away.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Oh, well… No biggie.’” 

She ranked 107th. My exasperation with her was twofold. The first reason is that any diligent person would feel frustrated if they failed to improve their previous performance. The second one is that she asked for a kiss if she achieved Top 50, but seemed to not regret missing out. From where I was standing, it looked like I was the only one looking forward to it.

She’s right. She’s lucky I only hit her with a pillow. 

Mom and father’s reaction wasn’t what I hoped for. They just looked at each other with pride in their eyes.

Scratch what I thought about not wanting her to change. She needs to get her act together. 

xxx

On the first day of spring break,  we all went to visit Grandfather. After greeting him, I took Yuzu to my old room as I didn’t want her to hear anything, for fear the subject of my eventual engagement would come up.

“This room brings back memories,” Yuzu says upon entering.

“Memories of stalking,” I tease.

Her reaction was as I expected. It is rather amusing. I see why Matsuri enjoys pranking her. I wouldn’t indulge in such a thing further, however. I’m her girlfriend, and I doubt constant mockery would do me any favor.

As I recall our early days as sisters, a mixture of nostalgia and shame comes over me. 

I never apologized for my behaviour. I don’t even know how to initiate that apology. I’d rather just put it behind me, but I’m afraid that she might have a change of heart about me if I remember how horrible I was. 

“Do you have any pictures of you as a baby?” Yuzu asks suddenly.

“Yes, why?” I say.

“I want to see them, duh!”

“I suppose there’s no harm in that.”

I was kind of stuck on how to keep occupied while Father and Grandfather discussed what they had to discuss. I pick up a couple of photo albums and sit beside Yuzu on my bed.

Mother was the one maintaining these albums. Under each picture, she wrote the date it was taken and the event it commemorates. No photo has been added since she left. She is in a lot of these photographs. I don’t think it’s wise to bring her to Yuzu’s attention.

“On second thought-...” I say.

Yuzu jumps out and steals the albums. “No way! I want to see your baby pictures! I’ll show you mine after that!” 

Yuzu as a baby...

I suppose Mother’s subject was going to come up sooner or later. No better time than the present to tackle it. 

“Alright, just don’t make a racket,” I say. “Remember what happened last time?”

“Come to think of it, wasn’t that an abuse of power from Grandpa?” She says. “I misbehaved outside of school. Why did I have to get expelled?”

“Are you saying you’re not constantly walking on thin ice? From your outfit to your behaviour inside and outside school. In case you don’t realize it, he’s part of why you’re being treated as an exception ”

“Well… Hey! Pictures!” 

Yuzu and I look at each other for a moment. Without another word, we reach a mutual understanding that we should forgo this conversation with reckless abandon. That situation wasn’t our finest hour, Grandfather and me, and Yuzu is having a temporary leeway because of it. I can only imagine how Grandfather is feeling about Yuzu’s situation. Any other student would have been expelled three times. I’m sure he’s being accused of nepotism. I’m sure I could explain her hair color to the disciplinary committee. Still, she has to meet me halfway by following the dress code.

We sit on the bed and open the first photo album. The first two pages are filled with thirteen pictures—one for when I was born, and then on for each subsequent month. 

“So cute!” Yuzu shrieks then gasps. “Is this your Mom?”

“Yes,” I say. I knew it would be the first question.

“She looks just like you!”

“She gave birth to me, so it’s natural.”

 “Are you talking to each other, or is it a similar situation to how it was with dad?”

“We do occasionally talk,” I lie. The last thing I want is for Yuzu to get involved with that part of my life. Pretending my relationship with my birth mother is ideal, but distant, is the best course of actions.

“I’d like to meet her sometime. I want to thank her  for giving birth to you.” 

“She is a busy woman, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“What’s her name?”

“Rin.”

“What a beautiful name!” She bows to her picture. “Nice to meet you, Mei’s Mom. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her.”

What is wrong with me? Why am I finding this ridiculousness sweet?

“I could kiss you all over!” She says.

What?

“You look soooo cute in these pictures!” She continues gushing over my pictures as a baby.

When did I become this overeager?

She tries to turn the page. I pull the album away.

“Alright, here are mine!”

She fiddles with her phone then shows it to me. 

On the screen is a picture of Yuzu as a baby chewing on a toy cat’s ear. 

Before I could control my reaction, I took the phone from yuzu to get a closer look.

Adorable. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t see well.” I return the phone to her and try to pass off my reaction as being natural.

“Here’s another one,” she swiped on her phone to reveal another picture. “Sorry, I’m mostly messy in them. Mom and dad just took pictures at randoms. Yours look like they were taken by a professional.”

They probably were. Mother had a similar album that chronicled her exemplary upbringing. It is plausible that she enlisted the help of a professional photographer.

On the picture displayed on her phone Yuzu was in Mom’s arms, with a man leaning besided her. A big smile on his face and a V sign.

“That’s my dad,” Yuzu comments.

“He looks like you,” I say as I study the details of his face subconsciously.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better after what Mom said the other day.”

“I’m being honest. Look at his jawline. It has a similar shape to yours. Your eyes are not only the same colour, but they also have similar shapes around the corner. And the ridge of his nose is-…”

Yuzu puts the phone down on my lap, stands up, and walks away from me, covering her face. 

“Yuzu?” I ask, worried I said something I shouldn’t have.

“Sorry,” she says, her voice muffled by her hands covering her face. “I didn’t realize you looked at me that much.”

I cover my mouth, realizing how I sounded. I hope she isn’t creeped out.

To my relief, she sits back down next to me. Her face and ears flushed red. “So you really think I look like him?”

I could list at least another seven details, but I think my point was made. “Yes. It is further enhanced by hair colour exactly matching his.”

“You noticed! It was so hard to get it right!” 

The more I learn about her, the more I realize how unfair of me to ask her to change. 

Surely, if I explain to the school board that the reason behind her hair colour is not just fashion-related, they will give her a pass.

As these thoughts seep into my mind, I realize that the sister in me is getting in the way of student council president. I cannot allow that.

We hear a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I say.

It is Mom. She enters with a radiant smile. “Hi, there. I got bored of those two geezers being at each other throats. Watcha doin’?”

“Looking through Mei’s pictures!” Yuzu says. “Ever seen her Mom? She looks like her!”

“I know,” Mom says, matter-of-factly, “I met her in person.”

Yuzu looks at me with surprise all over her face. I try my best to hide my knowledge of their meeting. Mom gives me a sly smile. 

“I gave her a picture of you two,” Mom says. “She is concerned that we’d lead Mei astray, you and I, Yuzu.”

Yuzu giggles then says, “As if that could happen.”

I don’t think Yuzu realizes her influence on me. She made me fall for her! Mother would have me see a psychiatrist for that.

Mom sits at the other side of me. We continue looking through the photographs, all three of us.

Watching photographs of a younger Yuzu and having Mom comment on them makes me feel like I am catching up on something that I have been missing. 

xxx

The next day Father went back to Grandfather’s by himself. Mom had to catch up on some work, and Yuzu had plans with Taniguchi. Yuzu invited me to tag along, but I thought about what Matsuri said. A sudden wave of jealousy rose in me, and I blurted out that I had plans of my own with Himeko. Yuzu marvelled at the coincidence. 

That is how I ended up visiting Himeko. I told her about Father returning and our visit to Grandfather’s. I could tell from her expression that I went into rather excruciating details on  Yuzu’s photographs.

“So no kisses since the school trip,” Himeko concludes.

I nod. 

“Seriously! All the fuss to have you for herself. Did you try to join her in her bed?!”  Himeko laments. 

Come to think of it, I never told Himeko that I slept in the same bed as Yuzu.

“That concept we talked about before,” I decide to change the subject. “The romantic atmosphere. I didn’t find any books in the library about it.”

“Of course, when you said ‘look up,’ that’s what you meant.”

“You sound disappointed.”

“Yes, in myself, for not seeing that coming. Things like that, you can’t find them in the library. At least not in our school’s library. Let me show you how it’s done!”

She cracks her finger and takes out a laptop from her desk de. She types in something looks intently at the screen. 

“This one sounds good! Ignore the pictures.”

She shows me a website page with some suggestive pictures. The big title read “10 ways to set the mood for your partner.”

I fish a notebook and a pen from my handbag.

“First, dim the lights.” Himeko reads aloud. “Use scented candles as the soothing smell help regulate their mood.”

“I’m trying to keep our relationship a secret,” I remind her. “Buying scented candles might attract Mom’s attention. Not to mention that leaving a flame out when we’re occupied is dangerous.”

“Okay, I suppose that’s fair. Next, put on romantic music.”

“Again, trying to be discreet.”

Himeko gave a look that suggested she felt I was being difficult. I’m not. That is just how the situation is.

“Alright,” she says. “This one is definitely possible, no matter what. Harness the aphrodisiac power of chocolate. Treat your partner and yourself to an assortment of tasty delights.”

Aphrodisiac power of chocolate?

I put my hand on my mouth as I realize Yuzu’s valentine gift significance! 

“What?” Himeko asks, puzzled as my reaction.

“Yuzu gave me chocolates on the eve of white day.”

“And what did you do?”

I recount the events of that night.

“Mei-mei,” Himeko with a half-patient, half-reprimanding voice. “I can’t believe you’re making me feel sorry for Yuzu.”

“What do you mean?”

“That was your cue!”

“What was?”

“When she gave the chocolates! You kiss her right there!”

“A-are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“I would imagine I had to eat it first.”

“First, you did eat it, and you still hadn’t kissed her, so there’s that. But that was special. The gift itself should have prompted a kiss. If it was the other way around, you’d be here complaining about how she didn’t kiss you.”  

I’ve never had Himeko chastise me like this before. Which means I made a grave error.

“I… didn’t know.”

Himeko’s expression softens. “It’s okay. I’m sure she’s still wagging her tail like a puppy just for being able to  call herself your girlfriend.”

I don’t care for Himeko’s metaphor, but I hope the idea is right. One thing is sure. I should not repeat that mistake.

“I think I’m having trouble recognizing that the mood is set,” I venture. What are the exact metrics?”

“Well, I’m inexperienced myself. All I know comes from novels, magazines and wishful thinking. One thing I can say for sure, though: forget about ‘metrics,’ please. That’s not what romance is about.”

“Then what’s it about?”

“It’s ineffable.”

I give up. Whenever Himeko says something is ineffable, it just means that she doesn’t know. “You said what you know comes from novels and magazines… Could I borrow some?”

Himeko stands up on walks up to a shelf. She starts browsing while thinking aloud, “I don’t think one would suit your taste… This one’s too gaudy…” She finally pulls one a book, “Ah! You can’t go wrong with a classic! I don’t think it is relevant to your relationship, per se. Still, it will probably help bring some clarity to what romance is.”

She hands me the book. “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens.  

"I guess at least you will have some influence on her when it comes to what she wears."

"I can't use our relationship to my own benefit."

Himeko stares at me, puzzled for a moment, then smiles. “You, know what, Mei-mei?” She says, “You are already becoming quite the romantic.”

 xxx

I ran into Yuzu and on my way home. I offer to help her with her bags, but she says they’re not heavy.

“You returned early,” I comment. Not that I am displeased, but I did hope to get to talk to Father while Yuzu was away.

“Harumin’s older sister is on her case,” she says. “We only had time to look through a couple of stores.”

“Wasn’t that enough?”

“No way! It seems we won’t be able to go out as often as we used to while her sister is around.”

“This could be a good thing for you too. You’re a senpai starting next week.”

“I guess…” She mutters dejectedly. “So what did you and Momokino-san talk about? I hope it’s not me.”

“Why would we talk about you?” I ask, trying to hide my panic at the eventuality of her discovering the extent of what I told Himeko.  

“I figured since you talked about student council stuff, the school's top delinquent would come up.”

“We have other pressing matters, but it would be convenient for us if you behaved yourself more.”

Yuzu’s smile fades. It pains me to see her react like that, but that is the harsh reality. Furthermore, someone could put forward a candidature to become the student council president. If they win against me, they might not indulge her antics.  I feel telling her such a thing would put her under more stress. 

Father was home when we arrived. He was sitting on the couch in the living room. Mom was standing behind him, massaging his shoulders. He seemed perturbed.

Greeting our parents became a little problematic since Father’s return. Yuzu is spontaneous and naturally affectionate; she hugs and/or kisses them. Whenever I’m in her company, I feel obliged to replicate her greetings. My attempts were often clumsy. While Father spared my feelings, Mom gave me playful grins.

“You seem upset, dad!” Yuzu comments. “What’s the matter?”

Mom and Father glance at me. I wish they weren’t so obvious. I nod from behind Yuzu. This connivance doesn’t escape Yuzu, who turns to me. 

“What? Did I do something?” She asks, alerted.

“Far from it, Yuzu-chan,” Father comes to my rescue. “Your Grandfather is ill. I came here to convince him to delegate the administration of the academy. I gave a list of some trusted candidates, but he wouldn’t budge. I’m leaving after tomorrow, and I didn’t make much progress with him.”

“What? Leaving already?” Yuzu voices out my thoughts.

“I’m needed there.”

“Aren’t you just like grandpa? Why don’t you ask someone else to stand in for you while you do what you have to do here?”

“It’s different.”

“She’s right,” Mom says. “Like father like son.”

“Mei did say that I say some smart things for someone who talks without thinking!” Yuzu boasts.

“That wasn’t a compliment,” I say.

“A back-handed compliment is still a compliment, tsundere-chan!” Mom says before turning to Father. “You did all you could, dear.”  She leans in, hugs him, and plants a kiss on his temple.

“Not in front of the kids!” Father breaks away from her, his face and ears bright red.

I start making my retreat to our room.

“You heard your dad, girls!” Mom cheers. “Go to your room so I can kiss his pain away.”

Yuzu catches up to me, heartily laughing. “They’re so cute together!”

“If you say so,” I say, thinking that Mom would have better answers about love and romance than Himeko…

xxx

In our room, Yuzu takes out the content of her bags. Some clothes, what looks like cosmetics and a couple of magazines.

“Tell me what you think, okay?” She says as she props up the mirror.

I change out of my clothes on the other side of the bed. 

By the time I finished, she was still in her underwear. She was examining the items she bought, for some reason. Didn’t she get a good look at the store?

I sit on the bed, waiting for her to finish. From the angle I was in, I could see part of her reflection on the mirror. 

My eyes are drawn to her lower back. I catch a glimpse of her buttocks line as she adjusts her underpants. She slips into tight-fitting pants that enhance her thighs. 

A strange sensation comes over me. It reminds me of when I hid her in my bed. I’m suddenly aching for her touch.

The T-shirt she puts on shows her midriff. It’s the first time I notice how her belly button is beautifully shaped. 

Yuzu twirls with a “Tada!”

“This outfit is hardly appropriate,” I say. “You’re showing too much skin, and your pants leave little to the imagination.”

“But I won’t wear this school. I can wear whatever I want when-...”

“This isn’t about school.”

“Then it’s about what?”

It’s about not wanting perverts like me to get all hot and bothered when they see you. 

“It’s about decency,” I say.

“Decency?”

“Yes.”

She glares at me. 

I went too far! 

“Ugh! You don’t get it!” She throws herself on the bed.

I don’t want to fight again! 

“Then help me get it? What’s the purpose of this outfit?”

She looks up at me and smiles, “This is the first time you tried to understand me…”

First time? I’ve been trying to understand you since-... I can’t put my finger exactly on when I started, but it feels like I’ve always been trying to pick her mind.

She crawls up to me and hugs me. I prop myself to a sitting against the headboard.

“Can I stay like this for a bit?” She asks.

“Just until they call us for dinner.”

“Okay.”

She relaxes in my arms. I think of her baby pictures. 

All the lust built up a few Moments ago dissipates to give way to a warm feeling. Why am I so obsessed with those baby pictures of her? It is almost as if I wished she was my own baby. Is this what they call maternal instinct? 

“Can I do your nails?” She says after a while.

“Excuse me?”

“I want to give you a manicure.” 

I angered her earlier. She is giving me a way out to her forgiveness. 

I jump at the opportunity.  

“Alright. You may do them after dinner. How long for the nail polish to come off?” 

“Silly! You can take off right away. It’ll be a waste, but I understand.”

She makes herself comfortable on my chest. I feel trapped. I hope she doesn’t realize the power she has over me.

Anything but another fight with her. 

Slowly I become aware of her body again. Her breasts against my stomach. My legs against her bare midriff. 

Himeko, am I being romantic right now? It feels to me that I’m being a perfectly twisted debauchee.

xxx

I tried to distract myself by reading the novel Himeko gave me. Yuzu herself shifted her body, picked up a magazine and read through it while using me as a pillow.

It seemed to me her fury at my insensitive comments was soothed, but I couldn’t risk being wrong. I refrained from asking her to let me go.

I was halfway through the second chapter when Mom’s call to dinner delivered me. 

I say “delivered,” but I missed Yuzu’s warmth when she sat up. 

I thanked the stars she changed out of her enticing outfit before joining the dinner table. Had I made another comment, I doubt any amount of holding and nail polishing would put me back in her good books.

Yuzu was heaven-sent when it came to dad, in more ways than one. She kept prodding him to share stories of his travels. He obliged each time, giving details about his encounters, the cultures he witnessed and the projects he had seen to fruition. I couldn’t have gleaned as much information on my own. 

Mom looked at her with tender eyes. I think I know why. Yuzu was relishing the presence of a father in her life. I was proud of Father for giving her such joy. I wondered if they’d have arguments if he stayed around. I would imagine he would not let her go out in immodest outfits. I don’t want her to have an aversion towards him, but I feel he would fulfill the disciplinarian parent’s role better than Mom. She didn’t seem to favour authority. We had to push her buttons repeatedly for her to resort to reprimands. 

I am an idiot for not seeing that rules are practically shackles for Yuzu. It doesn’t change that she has to abide by them sooner or later. 

With dinner done and teeth brushed, we went to our room after bedding our parents goodnight.

Yuzu put down the table and laid an assortment of cosmetic products and tools. She opened one of her magazines on a page that displayed a hand and close-ups on some nails. It served as a reference.

I took refuge in “Great Expectations” once again, leaving my left hand in her care. 

She explained her process as she went and occasionally made comments about my hand and fingers from time to time, which added to my self-consciousness.  

By the time she finished, I had realized I had to reread whatever I read. Yuzu had been so absorbed into her “art” and was oblivious to her surroundings that I got sucked into observing her.

Each day, Yuzu invites me into a new part of her world, and each time I join her against all my attempts to resist. 

After inquiring how much time it would take to remove the nail polish, I figured I could do it in the morning. She was right. It would have been a waste to take it off right after she finished.

The only inconvenience was that I had to wait for it to dry. 

The smile on her face was worth the trouble.

xxx

Even after Father was gone, it seemed we reverted to being more “sisters” than “lovers”. Matsuri and Taniguchi had family matters of their own to attend to. We spent the rest of spring break practically joined at the hip, yet I still couldn’t figure out how to concoct a romantic atmosphere. The idea of throwing caution to the wind and kissing her without much of a prelude started dancing in my mind. 

On the last day of the break, Yuzu said she needed to go out by herself. I tried to give her privacy, but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed. 

She came home tonight with a bag, put it in the corner of the room and didn’t speak of it. Did she refrain from showing the content because of my reaction last time? 

I wondered if it was normal for a sister or a lover to ask about the content. 

It wasn’t until after dinner that I learned what she was up to. She took a little too long to get out of the bath. When I went to check on her, she said she would be out in a minute. It took her another fifteen.

When she joined Mom and me at dinner, it all became clear.

It didn’t feel like something Yuzu, my Yuzu would do. 

Her hair was black. 

I was at a loss for words. Mom laughed her heart out. 

Couldn’t she see how emotional this must have been for Yuzu?

“Change is inevitable. People we meet alter its course, but that is all there is to it.”

But I told her that black hair wouldn’t suit her. 

I also said it was her decision.

Was it my constant nagging?

Later in our room, I found out she bought a proper tie and uniform. 

I thought this was what I wanted for her, but now that I’m witnessing this, I feel a shiver down my spine. 

I took away her freedom. 

“What aren’t you saying anything?” Yuzu asks.

“What do you expect me to say?” I try to disguise my inability to accept what happened. 

“I don’t know. What do you think?” She points at her hair.

“Well done.”

“Jeez, Mei!”

“What?”

“You’ll have to flatter me sometimes, you know?”

She gets in bed and pulls the covers over her head.

I sit down at my desk and write down the following line in my diary: 

“I have to pay attention to the weight of my words.”