Chapter Text
Akaashi’s POV
“I- I like boys.”
Bokuto opened his gorgeous golden eyes, impressed with Akaashi’s words. The setter didn’t know if Bokuto’s reaction was good or not, and his anxiety got worse with each second that passed. Akaashi, for once, couldn’t tell what Bokuto was thinking. His face was just impressed, and kind of red; but that didn’t let Akaashi know whether the spiker was surprised, or disgusted. Akaashi felt unease, uncomfortable with the new feeling of not knowing what was going through his friend’s mind.
A part of Akaashi, the emotional one, knew that the Bokuto he knew wouldn’t be disgusted by him; but his insecure part couldn’t feel safe with the spiker’s silence. Bokuto was someone who normally reacted with the first thought that popped in his head, and even if in serious conversations he meditated his words, Akaashi couldn’t help but feel Bokuto was hiding something.
Obviously Akaashi couldn’t demand Bokuto to say anything, but it felt weird for the spiker to hide something from him. Akaashi focused all his attention in Bokuto’s beautiful face, trying to ignore his uneasiness. He got distracted with Bokuto’s perfect teeth that peeked from the spiker’s slightly open mouth. His lip’s shape reflected the gentleness he always showed, and Akaashi noticed marks next to his eyes that had appeared with time, for laughing and smiling so much. Bokuto’s eyebrows were arched in a gorgeous yet childish way, showing how unexpected Akaashi’s words have been.
The setter could be hours looking to Bokuto’s face. It was stunning in Bokuto’s way. Even if he had a sharp jawline and factions, every expression Bokuto made came along with the spiker’s particular glow of childness. Some people thought that it was weird for a third year to react in such an unmature way, but Akaashi loved it. Whenever Bokuto’s eyes glowed with amusement, Akaashi’s heart would melt. It was so wholesome seeing his best friend happy.
The last three words stayed in his mind, circulating without leaving. Akaashi had known since the moment he realized his feelings for Bokuto, that he would have to conform with staying as friends. But his heart and mind hadn’t actually thought about what that really meant.
The setter begun feeling guilty about the fact that he knew Bokuto’s face perfectly. The fact that he felt warmth whenever he saw the spiker. Akaashi all of sudden noticed how close they were and begun feeling uncomfortable. His mind couldn’t stop the train of thoughts. Akaashi felt that he was lying, deceiving the spiker by not telling him he liked him. He thought it was wrong for him to be this close to the spiker.
Akaashi noticed how Bokuto’s face changed and feared that he had shown too much. That his face was betraying him, showing his true feelings.
Bokuto begun stuttering. “That’s awesome, Akaashi! I- I mean, I’m glad you can accept it and. Oh no, no. I didn’t mean it as if you looked gay. Oh fuck that came of badly. There’s nothing wrong with looking gay of course, I just. Ugh, I’m glad you can be more honest to yourself. And um, thanks for telling me. I mean! Not because it changes anything. Fuck fuck fuck. I just meant that, I’m glad you can trust me…” The first thing the setter felt was relief. Bokuto still cared about him. But Akaashi couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as he tried to think of a reason why Bokuto would act these nervous.
Wait. How could Akaashi not predict this? Bokuto didn’t like him, so what if he started feeling uncomfortable around him and things got weird between them? Even if Bokuto said there was no difference, Akaashi noticed how the spiker seemed more uncomfortable. He knew the only option was hiding his feelings. Bokuto’s happiness was everything to him, and he wouldn’t ruin the only good thing in his life because he couldn’t pretend. Even if Bokuto accepted his sexuality, that didn’t mean the spiker would return his feelings. Akaashi could never tell him about them. He couldn’t risk it all.
An increasing sound made Akaashi focus in Bokuto again. He had started breathing loudly and fast, making his cheeks get blushed. The setter sensed how they were getting more and more uncomfortable and felt guilty about it. He had to say something that would make Bokuto feel good. Making the spiker uncomfortable was the last thing he wanted. “Don’t- um… this doesn’t mean I like you or anything so you can calm down, Bokuto-san. I just wanted you to know cause… um. Well, you’re my best friend and I really trust you.” It had been so painful for Akaashi to say “best friend” he almost couldn’t suppress the doubt in his voice. “Besides, I was really hoping to tell someone that would accept me.” There was a brief silence. Bokuto’s faced seemed confused, so Akaashi continued. “Not my mother.”
“Oh!!! Now I get it.” Bokuto said, giving him the childish smiled Akaashi absolutely adored. “And yeah, of course I support you. You are my best- you’re still the same Akaashi I know.” Bokuto made so many expressions, Akaashi couldn’t keep track of them, nor tell what was going through the spiker’s mind.
Bokuto could pass through dozens of expressions in one second, and that made it harder to read him. Akaashi knew the spiker was being honest, and a part of him felt something weird. He felt something he had never experienced before. Honest acceptation. Acceptance of who he truly was.
Akaashi felt so overwhelmed by this feeling that he took advantage of his mother not being there and let himself cry. The moment he stopped suppressing his emotions, he felt freedom; something he had nearly forgotten. Those were happy tears. He finally felt hope again. Bokuto would let him be himself. He would never judge him.
This thought instantly made Akaashi hug Bokuto, and give him a kiss in the cheek without thinking. Akaashi felt so relieved that he didn’t really thought about what he was doing. He just wanted to show Bokuto how much this meant to him, and the spiker continued comforting him. “I’m so happy for you. Us. You can be yourself with me, and I promise I’ll help you change the world into a place that will accept you as well.”
“Isn’t the world too much, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked, laughing softly and shedding tears in Bokuto’s shirt.
“Then whoever you want. Whoever you need.” Bokuto hugged him tighter. “It’s a promise.”
Bokuto’s POV
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Had Akaashi noticed his blush? Did he reveal anything? Bokuto thought that he had done quite well, not hiding, but at least controlling his expressions. Kuroo had helped the spiker think of a way in which Bokuto could hide his feelings, after both captains started talking about their weird relationships with their setters. Kuroo knew him so well, he came up with a plan that was perfect and easy for Bokuto to do. After all, Kuroo knew him almost perfectly, only behind Akaashi.
Basically all Bokuto had to do was make many expressions, so the other person didn’t have time to analyze anything. Apparently Akaashi hadn’t noticed that he was unable to say the word “best friend”, so he would thank Kuroo later.
But Bokuto had something more important to think about though. Who the hell had dared laying a hand on Akaashi’s face?
The spiker knew his friend, and knew that he had to calm down. Akaashi would never tell him who had done it if he came all hot headed and asked. That was his new objective, after all. Becoming an ordinary ace. Controlling his mood changes, even if it was something Bokuto had so internalized, it seemed impossible. He had to be reliable. He had to give his 120%. He had to be like Akaashi.
The wound was still too fresh for him to really think about the fact that they had lost because of him, but honestly, everything was beginning to be too much, and ignoring his feelings was becoming more and more difficult. Bokuto felt how his mind started listening more to his bad thoughts. He should be worried about Akaashi, who clearly was struggling more than him, but the fact that now he had such a concrete defect about him, was distracting his mind. He felt so bad for every member of the team, specially Akaashi and the third years. Akaashi had put so much effort training with him, that Bokuto felt he owed him the victory. He had promised the setter that, after all. And the third years had been with him for the past 3 years. They had been his true friends, and he had disappointed them.
Thinking all of that made his heart ache, and the spiker found himself unable to look Akaashi in the eyes. He felt ashamed. What type of friend was he? How could he be this weak? Everyone had trusted him with that last spike, and he had failed.
But suddenly, as his mind tended to do, his thoughts focused on Akaashi’s bruise again. He hated how his mind switched his thoughts this harshly. He couldn’t focus on anything for too long, but Akaashi needed him now. He was counting on him. He had trusted him, and the least Bokuto should do was give his friend all of his attention.
He knew he had to ask calmly if he wanted any answers but the rage he was feeling wasn’t easy to keep under control.
When Bokuto finally had the courage to look to Akaashi’s face, he noticed that the setter hadn’t said a word since Bokuto talked. He didn’t really overthink it though. Akaashi wasn’t looking at Bokuto, so the spiker took the chance to really admire Akaashi’s face, which usually helped him to calm himself. His face looked pretty, even with the bruise. Bokuto felt as if he was being enchanted by Akaashi’s beauty, and he couldn’t restrain his hands from moving towards the setter’s face.
He softly rested his hand on Akaashi’s bruise, and caressed it. Akaashi’s eyes were shining, even though it was dark, and the spiker took the chance to admire the setter’s unique eyes. Akaashi always gave him the closest he could get to being in peace. His factions were so delicate that something as rough as a bruise looked strange, foreign even. Akaashi shut his eyes almost immediately after Bokuto touched the bruise.
“Does it hurt?” The spiker asked concerned. He knew it probably hurt, but he was too focused on Akaashi to mind asking obvious questions.
“Nah, I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto didn’t know how to feel. They were really close, yet Akaashi refused to give too much information to him. Bokuto didn’t know if it had to do with him acting immature, or if it was just that Akaashi didn’t trust him. The mere thought of the setter not trusting him, made his heart ache deeply.
But at the same time, it didn’t make sense. Akaashi had just come out to him, so why couldn’t he be honest with him now? He didn’t know what to say. He felt so insecure at the moment, he didn’t want to risk saying anything that would make Akaashi close up even more. Bokuto felt so much impotence for not being able to help his friend, his mind only focused on his self-destructive thoughts.
The spiker closed his eyes as he rested his head in Akaashi’s shoulder. He was using all of his strength not to cry, but with every second that passed, it was becoming impossible. Bokuto couldn’t help but think that he didn’t deserve to cry. He wasn’t the one with a giant bruise on the face. But, at the end of the day, he did have strong feelings. He didn’t want Akaashi to worry about him, but not helping Keiji was killing him.
“Akaashi, you’re obviously not fine. You never skip class; besides you have a bruise on your face.” Bokuto stopped restraining himself and let his feelings talk. He sounded hurt and tired. “I know you don’t want me to worry, but please let me help you.” He took a deep breath. “Please let me do something for you. For once.”
Bokuto could feel how Akaashi stiffened below him. He couldn’t hear the setter’s heartbeat, but he would bet it was going faster. In the darkness of the room, Bokuto raised his head to look to Akaashi’s face. The spiker could swear Akaashi had his face red from anger. “What do you mean by ‘let me do something for you for once’?” Akaashi asked with anger. Bokuto couldn’t control his surprised expression. It was really rare for Akaashi to be angry, let alone speaking with such an incensed tone. “You have done everything for me. You have helped me in every aspect of my life.” Akaashi took a deep breath. “You- you are the best person I could have asked to meet.”
Bokuto hold his breathe, surprised by the words of his best friend. Did Akaashi really see him like that? He couldn’t believe that the setter had said that out loud, he wasn’t really the straight forward type of person. Bokuto was so focused on Akaashi’s face, he thought for a second his face blushing, though he couldn’t tell very well because of the darkness. The spiker knew for sure that he was blushing.
Akaashi had never said something like this before, and his heart didn’t know how to react. All of his body was panicking, his heart racing, mind unstoppable. Bokuto really had tried to deny this to himself, but he couldn’t keep lying. Hearing Akaashi say that had made him feel like he was in heaven. Bokuto hadn’t noticed how much those words meant to him coming from Akaashi. And the way his heart felt forced him to accept that… he had a crush on Akaashi.
Bokuto immediately tried to deny it, scared of how this would affect their friendship, but his pounding heart didn’t lie. Still, it was too much to process right now. He had to talk with Kuroo afterwards. He would help him understand all of this new feeling. Oh god. Kuroo must have a crush on Kenma! All of it was too much to process. The spiker didn’t have any problem with having a crush on a man, but what troubled him was the fact that said man was his best friend. He was already in the friend zone, right?
“Please, say something.” Akaashi said softly, with a weak voice. “I’m sorry if I was too straight forward, I promise I won’t do it again. Just-“
“Akaashi! What are you talking about? I have no problem with you saying these things. I actually really like it.” Bokuto shut his mouth before he openly admits that he had a crush on Akaashi. A big one. Okay, a really big one.
“Well, you weren’t talking so, I don’t know. I got scared.” Bokuto felt his heart shutter hearing Akaashi this sad. He wanted to hug him and cuddle with him until he felt better. He would even cook him something… Focus!
“I’m sorry, I just got really surprised.” Was all Bokuto managed to say. He couldn’t control his blush so the spiker hid his face under his hand. How could he continue being friends with someone he had a crush on? He didn’t want to lie to Akaashi, but he wasn’t really prepared for confessing. He needed time to really process all of this. He had to talk to Kuroo. He would help him understand his thoughts.
But first he had to know why Akaashi was like this. How could he let someone hurt him? He was supposed to be his friend, to protect him. “Akaashi, I need you to tell me who did this to you.” Bokuto used all of his courage to hide his feelings, and grabbed his friends hands. He had to comfort him. “I know it’s scary, but I swear I will protect you. I won’t let anyone do this to you.”
Akaashi looked straight into his eyes and Bokuto saw deep pain inside them. The setter seemed so troubled with the topic, Bokuto begun getting scared that this had happened before, without him noticing. He heard Akaashi’s voice before he had time to dive further into this thought. “I- you, you can’t do that, Bokuto-san. I’m sorry but-“ Akaashi sighed.
What did he mean by that? Why couldn’t he? Was he really that useless? He felt his heart ache, noticing how Akaashi was deeply immersed in these negative thoughts and how it seemed he didn’t have any way to stop it.
Even knowing about Akaashi’s anxiety, Bokuto had never been able to truly understand what was Akaashi really going through. He did his best, and he knew he helped; but his impotence was one of the many things he couldn’t control.
“Who?”
Bokuto didn’t say anything else. He needed to know who had done it. His heart was ruling his mind right now, and all he could feel was impotence. Bokuto hated that feeling. He hadn’t worked so much for him to be useless. He should be better than that. He owed Akaashi that. After all of the hours they had trained together, how could he give up that easily?
Akaashi moved his hands from Bokuto’s and hugged his legs tightly. The setter’s gaze was so hunted that Bokuto couldn’t resist hugging him. The spiker felt how Akaashi’s whole body was trembling and how he started sobbing softly. Bokuto hugged him tighter trying to transmit that he was there. That he would protect him. They stayed in this position, Bokuto not letting go and Akaashi relaxing with every minute that passed.
Right when Bokuto thought that Akaashi had fallen asleep, he heard the setter’s raspy voice. “Mother.” He whispered.
Bokuto opened his eyes in surprise. He didn’t expect that.
Unconsciously, Bokuto lost grip of the hug and Akaashi immediately started panicking. “Do you believe me? I mean, of course parents tend to do this to raise but- I mean-“ Akaashi sighed. “Pff, yeah, I’m just exaggerating…” Akaashi’s face was full of tears, and more came out as he continued talking.
Bokuto started panicking. He couldn’t let Akaashi say or think any of this. It hurt Bokuto so much that his friend thought he was exaggerating. His mother had harmed him, and Bokuto would support and secure Akaashi.
Bokuto didn’t think of anything to do to stop him rambling expect from putting his hand on Akaashi’s mouth. The setter looked at him with a confusing expression and Bokuto moved his hand to caress Akaashi’s cheek.
“Akaashi, what your mom did is not okay.” Bokuto said everything slowly, trying to think of the best way to say this. “She left a bruise on your face. She’s supposed to protect you, take care of you; not harm you.” He said with the kindest voice he could.
Akaashi remained silent while tears framed his face as they fell. Bokuto tried to keep the conversation going. He had to know more about this, he had to help and protect Akaashi.
‘How do you expect to do that. You are a terrible friend, you didn’t even notice.’ Bokuto shrunk, shivered when this thought crossed his mind. Afterall, not because he wasn’t thinking about it, his mind and heart would forget yesterday’s failure. The spiker felt that he couldn’t do anything. He knew he couldn’t just give up, especially now that his life was just beginning; but his negative side was still a part of him. He couldn’t get rid of something that had always been with him in just one day. Bokuto wasn’t able to feel confident, he just felt like a failure.
“For how long has this been happening?” Bokuto whispered. He looked closer to see if the question had bothered Akaashi. The last thing the spiker wanted was to make Akaashi uncomfortable. The setter was shaking, and even if Bokuto thought it wasn’t because of the temperature, he covered Akaashi in the bed sheets. An intense blush covered Akaashi’s face and Bokuto’s heart skipped a beat. He looked so cute and adorable, Bokuto wondered how was it possible for him not to simply shut up and kiss him in that moment.
His embarrassing thoughts were stopped by Akaashi’s gentle voice. Even when the setter had been crying for almost all of Bokuto’s visit, his voice wasn’t too husky, but rather soft, transmitting the sadness he felt. “Too long.”
Anger started to bloom deep in Bokuto’s heart. He couldn’t believe he had let someone hurt Akaashi. All of this time, Bokuto had been so nice to that witch, while Akaashi was struggling. How could his mom do that to him? Akaashi was so good. He deserved to have the best life he could, yet he had been suffering for years. The spiker couldn’t hold back tears full of mixed emotions. He started sobbing and his eyes blurred.
Bokuto felt a soft hand on his cheek, taking the tears away. He looked to Akaashi and saw the setter crying without making any noise. How long did it take Akaashi to be able to cry without sound? How many nights did he spent awake, crying without his mother knowing? Bokuto started crying louder and Akaashi hugged him. His heart ached so much. He couldn’t bear all these thoughts. It was too much. Akaashi shouldn’t be going through all of this. It was so unfair he couldn’t stop crying. He should be the one comforting Akaashi, not the other way round. But what could he expect from himself?
He was a disaster. A storm that nobody could control. Nobody except for Akaashi.
Akaashi’s POV
When Bokuto started crying I noticed how serious this was. He should have told him sooner. Now Bokuto would think badly about himself. The spiker wasn’t only dealing with his best friend’s lies, but also with losing the day before. Akaashi felt so bad for him, that he couldn’t stop tears falling from his blueish eyes. He knew that the least thing Bokuto wanted was for him to cry, but everything hurt.
When he hugged Bokuto, his heart felt Bokuto’s pain, and it was almost impossible for Akaashi to not make a noise. He knew he had done well by finally telling him, yet he couldn’t deny that this had been a terrible timing.
Akaashi brought Bokuto’s forehead and rest it in his own. Their tears got mixed, and the setter wasn’t able to tell which one’s were his and which ones were Bokuto’s. Even with the both of them crying, this moment felt special. The two of them were sharing their struggles, their pain. And they understood each other perfectly. They reassured each other with every single touch they had, with every tear they shed.
Bokuto repeated and repeated “I’m sorry” and each time he did, Akaashi hugged him tighter. They ended up tangled between the sheds and their legs, hugging each other while laying down on Akaashi’s small bed. Every part of Akaashi was touching Bokuto, embracing his feelings, embracing every single insecurity Bokuto had, transmitting the spiker that everything was okay, that there was nothing wrong with him. And Bokuto grabbed Akaashi tightly, making up for every single time he hadn’t been there for the setter. He hugged him with the love his mother hadn’t showed.
The both of them were a mess, but Akaashi felt safe. He felt at home. Not an abusing home, but a warm and kind one. Somewhere you waited all day long to come back. And he wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. In that moment, it didn’t matter if what he felt for Bokuto was romantic or not, he just cared that they both loved and cared about each other. This was the lively example of how Bokuto would always shelter him, how he would always accept him.
Even with all the pain the both of them were, Akaashi felt so relieved and free, he knew it had all been worth it. He had Bokuto and that wouldn't change. His safe place wasn't going anywhere.
They stayed in that position for hours. Both of them fell asleep and didn’t notice the pass of the hours. Akaashi asked Bokuto to talk about his mother’s problem another day. He was really tired and didn’t want to overwhelm the spiker even more, besides he was tired too. Bokuto agreed and they talked about nothing in particular. They just kept each other company. Akaashi told Bokuto to stay for dinner, even if it meant having to be with his mother, just because he didn’t want Bokuto to leave.
The moment Bokuto saw Akaashi’s mom, the setter noticed how he stiffened, and quickly grabbed his hand tightly to reassure him. He let go fast, since he didn’t want his mother to see, but Akaashi knew that that comfort helped Bokuto not to explode in front of his mother. The dinner had gone awkwardly, but Akaashi noticed his mother was tired, so she hadn't asked any questions.
Even when Akaashi only wanted to be with Bokuto, the time for him to go came, and Akaashi felt how he lost the grip of the feeling of safety and companionship. He ignored his mother afterwards and just left to his room, trying to not think about his bruise or anything. His mother thankfully hadn’t asked him if Bokuto knew about the bruise, probably because she had had a lot of work and was distracted. Not that Akaashi complained.
He threw himself on the bed and sighed. It had been a long day, though he couldn’t hide the smile that appeared in his face, remembering the feeling of Bokuto’s whole body in his arms. All of the spiker only for him. He felt his heart racing faster and sensed how his blood gathered on his cheeks, making him blush. He grabbed a pillow and hid his face behind it. He loved this feeling: love and acceptance. The protection he never had home had finally arrived. Akaashi knew that Bokuto would do everything he could to protect him. Even in his house. The way he reacted in front of his mom was an example.
While he was lost in his thoughts, Akaashi felt his phone vibrate. He checked the message, that surprisingly was from Kenma. Kenma didn’t use his phone much, but since Akaashi and him were close he was one of the few people who got the setter’s messages.
“Kuroo’s acting weird, did Bokuto and him plan something or what?”
“What did he do?”
“And I was with Bokuto all day so I don’t think it has to do with him.”
“Come on, you know they catch up in a 5 minutes phone call.”
Akaashi couldn’t help but laugh. Just reminding how much of a dork Bokuto was, made every single nerve of him fall more in- Damn he had to control more his thoughts. They were only friends. Even if he felt this way, this didn’t change the fact that he had no opportunities with Bokuto. Even if this hurt Akaashi deeply, he had to face the facts and be grateful that Bokuto was a part of his life. Afterall, the setter knew that, even if it wasn’t romantically, Bokuto loved him, and that was enough for now.
“He didn’t mention anything about Kuroo…”
“I was playing some videogames and didn’t notice when Kuroo head to the backyard to answer a call. After that he was acting all weird around me.”
Akaashi didn’t know what to say, so he just left the phone and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He was exhausted and needed some sleep. Even if the next day was Saturday, Akaashi just wanted to sleep all weekend. He had a lot to study and a lot of confusing feeling to think about, but for the moment, Akaashi listened to some music and fell asleep hugging a pillow.
Bokuto’s POV
The moment Bokuto crossed Akaashi’s door he called Kuroo. The spiker started to walk towards his house, and couldn’t help but move his hands anxiously, waiting for his friend to answer. After a couple rings, Kuroo picked the phone.
“Hey bro, what’s-“
“I need to talk to you!”
“Wowow what happened?”
“Ugh! Everything!”
“Come on calm down!”
“Where are you, can we meet?”
“I’m at Kenma’s”
“Fuck! Well, erm. I think I know what happens to us. You know, about Akaashi and Kenma…”
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah… we got crushes bro.”
The line stayed silent. Bokuto’s heart was going so fast he feared it was gonna come out of his chest. He knew he should’ve done this in person, but he couldn’t wait. He needed help to understand all of this. Maybe he was just crazy and Akaashi’s godly beauty had- damn. He couldn’t deny it anymore.
“Kuroo… I really need your advice. I don’t know if I’m right but-“
“Bo.” Kuroo breath deeply. “You’re right.” He said slowly.
Bokuto didn’t know what the hell was happening to his heart right now. He felt so many different and new things he was confused, but having Kuroo accept it too could just mean one thing. He was right.
“We got to meet tomorrow to talk more about this.”
“Yeah.” Kuroo sounded distracted, as if he was lost in his thoughts. “I mean, it makes a lot of sense. Ugh, I just hope we can find a way in which we don’t fuck up our friendships.”
Bokuto stayed silent for a while. He couldn’t even think about not having Akaashi in his life. “I just want to know what we’re supposed to do…”
“Hey, everything’s gonna be fine, we’re gonna think of something as we always do, okay?”
Listening to Kuroo cheered up again brought Bokuto peace. He had really good friends.
“Yeah, let’s talk tomorrow. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Kuroo hanged up and Bokuto sighed. This was gonna be some new shit.