Chapter Text
“Rin? What’s up? I’m at work, but I’ve got like, ten minutes, if you need something?” Makoto says on the phone, sounding flustered.
“It’s Haru. I think you need to come here... he’s broken...” Rin shifts his weight slightly, letting Haru’s head roll back against his shoulder.
His eyes have closed again, clinging to Rin’s arm that’s wrapped around his chest so tight that Rin’s kind of losing feeling, and Haru’s knuckles have turned white.
“I can’t, Rin. I’m working.”
“But Makoto! I came over and I found him on the floor... I thought he was dead, like he’d offed himself, and he’s pissed himself and he’s just sat here shaking, like he can’t even hear me and-” Makoto cuts him off before he can get any louder, which might be a good thing? Haru’s not responding. Does it even matter at this point if he’s listening?
“I can’t, Rin. I’m in enough trouble at work as it is. I’m late all the time because of Haru, I can’t just leave, I’ll lose my job!”
“But Makoto!” Fuck, Makoto...
“No, Rin. I’ve lost enough because of Haru, and if I lose my job, then I won’t be able to take care of either of us.”
“But he’s your best friend!”
“No, Rin. My best friend is long gone. I’m just a carer,” he hears Makoto click his tongue then, something snapping. “I didn’t go to university, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve... I’ve lost so much through looking after him for the last four years, Rin. And if I lose this job I won’t even be able to that anymore.”
“He needs help...”
“He’s waited long enough for help. He can at least wait until my shift ends.”
There’s silence for a minute, Rin staring at the phone like it’s grown a second head. Makoto’s never said no before...
“Tell him I love him and I’ll be there when I can,” Makoto says next, calmer now. “I’m glad you’re there with him.”
“Is this... all my fault? Because of Rio?”
Makoto takes a second, choosing his words, but words can’t hurt Rin as much as seeing Haru has. “No. He was sick before Rio. His Grandma died and his parents left... he was already struggling. What happened in Rio was just him falling over the edge.”
Rin swallows the lump in his throat and steels himself, exchanging soft goodbyes with Makoto and finally hanging up. He shouldn’t credit himself. How can he have this much impact on someone that they turn into this, and similarly, there’s no way that him just being here can be enough to fix it.
“Haru?” he says gently, nudging at Haru’s temple with his nose. “I’m gonna help you get cleaned up, ok?”
Haru doesn’t respond, but Rin doesn’t expect him too. He’s placid and compliant and supports his own weight when Rin has lifted him up off the floor and started peeling his clothes off. He wipes him down with a kitchen towel and warm water from the sink, and a few little pats on the back get him walking towards the lounge where he can make him sit down.
“I’m getting you clothes. I’ll be back.”
He finds loose jersey shorts and a tshirt that are probably clean, and makes a mental note to do some laundry later on. One leg... two legs... up, Haru’s like a toddler, half holding onto Rin and staring into the distance. He pulls the shirt over his head, hoping he can sort his own arms out, but it’s like he’s completely shut down.
He doesn’t know what to do after that. Just... just sit here, he supposes, letting Haru curl into his side and hold onto him, if that’s what he wants. Like he needs a time out after whatever happened before he got here. He has memories of Rio, of Haru locked in their shared room... would this be what would have happened if he hadn’t got there?
Would seeing this back in Rio have changed anything?
He hates it. He hates the memories of Rio. Even the good ones, even winning his golds. It’s the worst side of himself, his sore loser. Even worse than when they were twelve. How has it taken him this long to grow up and realise how much he must hurt people by being such an asshole.
He should have been happy for him. He should have jumped out of the pool from the lane next to him and hugged him like everyone else, congratulated him. Haru worked just as hard for that race as everyone. He deserves that gold.
Rin deserves nothing.
“I’m so sorry, Haru,” he whispers, tugging him close. “I’ll do whatever I can... I want to help to make you better.”
“Stay,” Haru mumbles.
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.”
Haru whips up then, colliding his head with Rin’s chin and ow, but the look on his face tells Rin not to bitch about it. “You can’t stay?”
“That’s not what I meant,” he soothes, nudging Haru back to where he was and wrapping his arms around him again. “I mean... just me staying isn’t enough to make you better. You need help. From professionals.”
Haru scoffs.
“I’m serious... you can talk to someone who knows what they’re doing, you can take medicines to make you feel better. There are lots of things. All I’m good for is-”
He doesn’t’ finish. All he’s good for is ruining everything.
“If I make you an appointment, will you go to it?” he asks.
“Will you take me?” Haru counters, and Rin just nods.
It can’t be that easy, can it?
It’s not. Makoto, after an apologetic hug with Rin, mumbling how sorry he is for snapping at him, and Rin trying to tell him not to worry, explains further. Haru’s been asleep on the couch for a while now, probably exhausted, emotionally and mentally.
“We tried... when he was really, really bad,” he glances down at Haru, worry written all over his face. “But he was pretty much mute... would hardly even speak to me, and nothing came out of it but more upset for him and frustration for me. I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
Rin’s first instinct is to be annoyed. How can he be mad with Haru when he’s so unwell? But... would he have the patience for all this? Definitely not. Even someone as selfless as Makoto must have his limits.
“I wish someone had told me,” Rin muses.
“It was all a bit complicated. He wanted privacy but he need help and... I just did what I could without him pushing me away. I couldn’t force anything, or he’d have no one.”
“I understand,” he says, even though he doesn’t.
He’s not as gentle as Makoto, and he’s very prepared to face the battle of dragging Haru back from his hollow by every hair on his head if he has to. He dragged him to Australia, he dragged him to Rio, how can this be much different?
“Why did you stop living with him?” Rin asks now, remembering that that had been a bit of a thing a couple of years go, before Makoto got his own place.
“Needed the space. I felt... trapped, I guess. Like I couldn’t do anything but look after him.”
It makes sense, Rin supposes.
“What if I stayed with him? While I’m here? And you can have a break, go on a couple of dates, do whatever you want.”
Makoto looks unsure, but eventually nods.
“If you hurt him...” he warns.
“I won’t.”
He hopes.
Makoto leaves when Rin returns with some of his own things, clothes, some weights, toiletries, and a hurried and confused explanation to hiss mum why he’s packing himself off to Haru’s for the foreseeable. Haru’s still on the couch, not sleeping but still sort of out of it, and Rin crouches in front of him, reaching up to place a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey... you ok with me crashing here for a bit?”
“Why?”
Rin shrugs, trying to keep it casual. “Miss you and stuff.”
“Right.”
Haru looks away, but also looks like he’s processing, at least.
“I’m gonna put some laundry on, and then I’ll start dinner. I brought some stuff for us.”
He waits for Haru to rebuff him, and is upset when he doesn’t tell him to back off and let him do it himself. It’s not that he’s rolling over and accepting the help... he just can’t fight anymore. Rin puts the tv on, pushing Haru into the corner of the couch and trying to make him comfortable, or at least look comfortable, to make Rin feel like he can leave the room for thirty seconds, but when he does-
“Haru?” he turns, looking down at his wrist and Haru’s fingers coiled around it.
“Stay.”
“I’m just- come with me. We can do it together.”
he weaves his fingers between Haru’s and pulls him to his feet, towing him along to gather the laundry, making him carry some under his free arm, and back to the washing machine. He has to let go when he starts prepping vegetables, but Haru stays close, leaning on the counter next to him, watching Rin work. It’s comforting, Rin thinks, even though it’s a bit mundane. He, at least, feels comfortable, feels like smiling, feels like digging Haru in the ribs with his elbow when he’s in the way, and Haru... reacts. He jabs Rin back with two fingers in his side, and tries to fight back when Rin traps him in a head lock, until he stills, arms sliding around Rin’s waist and head coming to rest on his shoulder.
“Hey,” Rin says, stroking a hand up and down his back. “What’s this about?”
Rin’s pretty happy to hand out hugs all day, but Haru, on the other hand, has always been especially sparing with his affection. He’s capable of it, but it’s not usually in this form. Haru will give a gentle smile or some other gesture, like a homemade lunchbox, but he’s always been somewhat resistant to physical contact, and never been one to initiate it.
“Missed you and stuff.”
Rin’s still hanging around when Haru feels like he should be going to bed. He glances at the clock, it’s not stopped after all, and it’s somehow coming up to midnight. He must have training to get to in the morning... probably should have had training to do today he hasn’t gone to. Why’s he wasting his time here?
“Rin?” he looks over at him on the opposite end of the couch, legs in Haru’s lap, and Haru nods to the clock to indicate that hey, it’s late.
“Remember? I’m crashing here for a bit.”
“Oh.”
So that really happened, huh?
“Good?”
“Good.”
Haru gets ready for bed first, sticking in the clothes that Rin put on him earlier, but splashing his face and cleaning his teeth, and then it’s Rin’s turn. Haru waits outside the bathroom. He doesn’t know why. Rin’s staying the night, he’s in there getting his jammies on, it’s not like if Haru is more than 5 feet from him he’s going to vanish.
But he might. So Haru stays, and Rin follows him into his room and into his bed, and then rolls over, pressing his back against Haru’s. It’s warm. Solid.
“I think we should talk,” Rin says after a moment.
“Oh?”
“About Rio... really talk.”
Rin can talk all he likes. It doesn’t mean Haru has to listen.
“I was a dick,” Rin starts, even though Haru hasn’t responded, and yeah, yeah he fucking was. “And I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“It was just like when we were kids, right? I didn’t think, when we set off, that I wouldn’t be happy for you. I was happy for you... I was just so disappointed in myself. And I took that out on you, when you were struggling... I could see you were struggling, and I hate myself for not helping you more, in that moment.”
Haru takes a breath, lets the memory wash over him, waiting for the pain, the sting, when Rin turns away... “I’m not sure you could have done much, really.”
He knows he’s not right. And he knows that, deep down, it’s not really Rin’s fault. Rin just happened to push his last remaining button, snap the last thread he was clinging on to.
“I could have stayed.”
“You could have called...”
“You could have called,” Rin rolls over now, and Haru does to. He wants to see his face. “I thought you didn’t want to speak to me, after what happened, so I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I called every day.”
“What...?”
“Everyday, Rin,” Haru can feel his voice cracking, tries to keep a lid on it but can’t.
“Haru,” Rin’s face has fallen, eyes wavering at the edges, “I never knew... I never...”
He stops. Words aren’t going to fix this. Something’s been lost somewhere. A misread number, a slip of a finger, his own damn bad handwriting. The damage is done, he can see it in Haru’s eyes, glazed over with tears he can’t stop. Nothing he can think to say doesn’t sound vain or contrived or just useless.
“Haru...”
Crying is cathartic. Rin’s a pretty good crier, he knows this, but Haru’s as possessive with his tears as he is with his touch, and even as kids he’d hide them away if he couldn’t keep them in. But not now. Rin wipes at them with his fingers, brushing over Haru’s cheeks, settling his arm over Haru’s waist, slippig the other under Haru’s neck and pulling him in. It feels like four years of depression, upset, longing... all spilling out at once. It’ll help. It has to help.
“Are you coming with me?” Rin asks the next morning.
“Huh?” Haru asks, glancing back over his shoulder at Rin from where he’s sitting at the table.
“I have to go swimming.”
Haru nods slowly, accepting Rin’s hand when he holds it out, fingers slipping together just for a second.
It’ll be good for them, Rin is sure. The water is where it all started, how they’ve always communicated those big feelings they both find too hard to say or to hear. They can reconnect, find the same path, and even if Rin has to hold Haru’s hand all the way down it, they’ll find an end point.
As much as he’d liked to romanticise that some really intense swimming and sight seeing might magically heal all Haru’s hardships, he’s not living a sports anime anymore, and real life isn’t that kind. Watching Haru swim is still an event all the same, still so effortless and graceful. He’s slower, so slow that Rin’s wary of training in the next lane to him, but he has to. He has times to report back, a regimen to complete. The Olympics won’t wait for him.
“You’ve got better,” Haru tells him, sitting on the side of the pool in Rin’s lane, dangling his feet, as Rin swims up.
“You’d think so, the amount I pay my coach,” Rin laughs. “Come on, you’re not done yet, are you?”
“I don’t have the stamina anymore,” Haru says quietly.
It’s unspoken, but Rin understands then. Haru hasn’t been swimming since he took his gold medal.
“All the more reason to get your ass back in here,” he tells him, throwing a snide smile and reaching for his ankle. “Come on. Swim with me.”
It takes it Haru, but he loves it. He loves the burn in his muscles as he relaxes on the couch, giving his arms a few extra stretches across his chest. He’s going to be sore for days, but it’s good. He’s not had this in too long. He looks over at Rin, busying himself in the kitchen, and Haru had been too worn out to argue that it was his turn to make dinner.
“It’s not mackerel, but it’s tuna steaks, alright,” Rin calls across to him. “And then we’ve got an appointment to get to.”
“A what?”
“You said you’d see someone, if I came with you,” Rin shrugs simply.
Oh. He did say that, didn’t he?