Chapter Text
After catching Valerissa up on everything that happened, the two of you decide to have a movie marathon of every low-budget animated movie Danny Gonzalez has ever reviewed. To accompany this joyous affair, you make a three-course meal consisting of cheddar cheese popcorn, peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, and an obscene amount of ramen. You also drink a whole lot of spiced rum.
When night falls, Valerissa orders Chipotle to be delivered to the apartment.
"Wait, wait, wait," you say, giggling drunkenly. "I'm gonna prank call Burger King."
"Oh my god, do it." She takes another swig of rum directly from the bottle.
You pick up your phone and dial the number.
"Hey, it's Burger King, what do you want?"
"Burger King foot fetish," you say, and hang up.
After a heartbeat of silence, you lock eyes with Valerissa and break into a violent fit of laughter.
"What the fuck???" She cackles.
"Ihavenoidea," you reply, clutching your chest. "Let's put orange juice in the rum."
It ends up tasting great. (Or maybe it tastes horrible, you can't really tell.) When the Chipotle arrives, you manage to pay the delivery girl despite your state of absolute fucked-upness. You also give her a Ziploc bag of quarters as a tip.
Eventually, Valerissa remembers she has to go home and feed her chickens. After she leaves, you turn off the TV and lay down on the couch, scrolling through AO3 like the dumbass you are. Soon the boredom and alcohol catches up to you, and you conk the hell out.
***
A loud crashing noise brings you into a state of hazy consciousness. Through your half-open eyelids, you see a blurry human silhouette. You groan angrily and pull the covers back over your head.
"Rise and shine, sweetheart!" Trills a sinkingly familiar voice. The person yanks the blanket back off of you and hovers directly over your face.
"Stalker ex-boyfriend," you gasp.
He seductively takes off his mask. "I missed you."
You sit up, still groggy, and fold your arms. "Well, I didn't miss you."
"That's too bad, because now you're stuck with me."
"No way," you snap. "I'm not getting tied up in a trunk again. Stay away before I call the police!"
"What are they gonna do?" He scoffs. "Shoot a person of color for existing? Nice try, (Y/N). But don't worry, I swear I'll take care of you."
Thinking fast, you vault over the back of the couch and run towards the door. But your stalker ex-boyfriend expects it and launches himself over your head, landing perfectly on his feet and blocking your path. But you also expect that and spin around at the last second, diving through the window, which is still open from last night. In retrospect, you probably should have closed it so he couldn't get back in.
Oh well, the past is in the past. Right now, I have to worry about not breaking all my bones.
You're not quite sure how to manage that, seeing as how you're soaring through the air above the parking lot with no safe way to land.
Just as you're about to give up, a trampoline unfolds out of nowhere below you. You crash onto it and thankfully don't break it. Someone climbs onto the trampoline and bounces over, crouching next to you.
When you see his face, you let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. "Serial killer boyfriend!" You cry happily.
"That's right," he says. "I camped outside of your apartment after I dropped you off just in case, and it turns out it was a good idea after all." He grins, looking very pleased with himself.
"But where did this trampoline come from?" You ask.
"Oh, this is just my emergency portable trampoline. I always have it in the back pocket of my cargo shorts."
You nod sagely. "I can't believe my stalker ex-boyfriend tried to kidnap me again. That's totally cringechamp. I only like kidnapping if it's sexy!"
"As you should, queen," says your serial killer boyfriend. His expression darkens as he sees your stalker ex-boyfriend burst out of the apartment. "Is this guy bothering you?" He asks.
"Totally," you say. "Hide me, quick!"
"I'll do better than that," he chuckles as your stalker ex-boyfriend begins to run towards you.
Your serial killer boyfriend quickly folds up the emergency trampoline and runs up to meet him. Then he promptly starts making out with him.
Your jaw drops. "Uh- babe? Hello? I'm literally right here?"
Your serial killer boyfriend pulls away and glares at you. "Hey, can you shut up? I'm trying to smooch your ex!"
"Seriously, you think I give a shit about you? Get outta here, I'm tryna get some serial killer action!"
You rub your forehead in distress. "Oh my god, you're literally the worst serial killer boyfriend ever . Has this been going on the whole time? Is that why you were able to rescue me so easily last time?"
"Oh, please, (Y/N). You think you're serial killer breaking up with me? Well, I'm serial killer breaking up with you. Also, don't underestimate me! I never skip leg day."
You scoff. "Just wait until my vampire dad hears about this."
" Your what? " You hear him say quietly as you turn on your heel and power walk away. "Don't worry about it," your stalker ex-boyfriend tells him. With a huff of exasperation, you turn into a bat and start to fly away.
"Wait, she could have done that this WHOLE TIME?!?!" Your serial killer (now ex) boyfriend shouts.
"Obviously it's hard to do, dumbass! I'm only half vampire!" You bark. "If you want to find me, you know where I'll be."
"No I don't!"
***
Once you're out of range and positive your exes aren't following you, you swoop into an alleyway and turn back into a human. You're not completely sure where you are since being a bat clouds your judgement a little, so you just flew away in a random direction.
Maybe if I just wander around for long enough, I'll figure it out. Then I can go to my vampire dad's castle and crash there for a while. Of course! What a flawless plan. You step out of the alley and start walking down the street.
After about ten minutes searching for a Starbucks or something, you see a woman wearing a suit, dark sunglasses, and a black fedora who is very clearly coming straight towards you. You speed up a little and veer into the nearest alley, hoping to turn into a bat again and escape, but she follows you.
"Stop! (Y/N L/N)!" You freeze. How did she know my name? The strange woman lifts her hands in surrender. "I'm not here to hurt you. I'm part of the Emerald Rat gang. We've been looking for you."
"What the hell do you mean 'Emerald Rat gang?' Why are you looking for me?"
The woman looks confused. "You were initiated, weren't you?"
"What the- oh my fucking god. Did my serial killer boyfriend initiate me into a gang?"
"We assumed you knew, ma'am. Here, why don't we go to the gang headquarters and sort this out?" When she sees my hesitation, she adds, "I'm required to make it sound like a choice, but it really isn't. Come on, let's go."
I nod slowly and follow her down the street.