Chapter Text
INT. THE EMPTY DINNER HALL
ARMIN waves to the camera. Him, Eren and Mikasa peer at it, as though they’re astonished it’s still working. They also all look exhausted.
EREN
(slurring a little in tiredness)
First day, done. Woohoo.
ARMIN AND MIKASA
(in monotone voices with sad clapping)
Yayyyy.
ARMIN
Are we sure we want to do this? My grandpa wasn’t that important.
MIKASA leans over to whisper to EREN.
MIKASA
What was his grandpa’s name again?
EREN
(whispering back)
Wasn’t it, like, Paw-paw or something?
MIKASA
I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you think his name was Paw-paw.
ARMIN
You guys know I can hear you, right?
MIKASA and EREN look shocked.
ARMIN
His name was David.
EREN
That’s a lame-ass name, Armin. It kinda sounds like his parents doomed him to die from the start.
MIKASA
Yeah, your great-grandparents were kinda cruel.
ARMIN
They’re dead too.
EREN
No one cares.
ARMIN
Just like no one cares about Carla?
EREN’S face contorts with anger as MIKASA gasps.
EREN
How
dare
you?
MIKASA
(shaking her head)
Low blow, Armin.
ARMIN throws up his hands in exasperation. He can’t win.
EREN
Anyway, before Armin decided to be a
bully
, I was gonna introduce the cadets we met today.
ARMIN
They’re not here, though.
MIKASA
And unfortunately, you are.
ARMIN
I hate you two so much.
EREN
First, there’s Sasha. She’s insane, but she likes potatoes. Pretty sure she’s still running laps outside.
MIKASA
I don’t like her.
EREN
Noted. Next is Jean. I like Jean. I think we’re gonna be great friends.
MIKASA
Don’t even remember that one.
ARMIN
The horse-faced guy?
MIKASA’S face is blank.
EREN
No time to spare for Mikasa’s bad memory. After that, there’s Connie.
ARMIN
Connie’s bald.
MIKASA
I like Connie.
EREN
You guys don’t
have
to give your opinion on everyone.
ARMIN
Okay, fine. Continue.
EREN
There’s Richard and Bernard.
ARMIN
I don’t think -
MIKASA
- doesn’t
sound
right -
EREN
(barreling forward)
Richard and Bernard are pretty cool. There’s also Annie.
MIKASA
How did you decide which order to do this in?
EREN
In order of how important I think they’ll be in my quest for revenge.
ARMIN
Please tell us how exactly Sasha will be important.
EREN
I just gotta feeling. That girl’s a survivor. Richard’s probably gonna die, you know?
MIKASA
You have a terrible judge of character.
EREN
There’s that girl who’s definitely gay.
MIKASA
You already introduced Annie.
EREN
No
-
ARMIN
You mean Krista?
EREN
No, the tall one.
ARMIN
Reiner isn’t a girl.
EREN
Who the
fuck
is Reiner?
MIKASA
Are you talking about Ymir?
EREN
Yes.
Ymir. Sounds weird. Ha, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.
ARMIN
God help you.
EREN
And then there’s a bunch of people I don’t care about who will probably die along with Richard in the first arc of my revenge series.
MIKASA
What about Bernard?
ARMIN
You guys mean
Bertolt
-
EREN
Bernard’s definitely going to live. Bernard supremacy.
ARMIN slumps forward on the table.
ARMIN
(in a muffled voice)
God, I wish you guys would have just let me get beat up by those bullies.
EREN
We wish that every day too. Too late now, you’re stuck.
MIKASA
And
we’re
stuck with some conspiracy theorist who believes in the sea.
ARMIN
IT’S IN THE BOOKS, MIKASA!
ARMIN turns his back to them crossly. EREN does not seem to care.
EREN
(looking directly at the camera)
You guys think I’m missing anyone?
ARMIN
(with his back still turned)
What about the trainer?
EREN
Oh yeah, he looks familiar for some reason.
MIKASA
Imagine if he like...dated your mom or something.
EREN
Why is that thought even in your head?
ARMIN
I feel like that’s a plausible theory.
EREN covers his ears.
EREN
LA LA LA, NOT LISTENING TO THE BOY WHO THINKS THE SEA IS REAL.
EREN and ARMIN both turn their backs on each other. MIKASA sighs, picking up the camera.
MIKASA
All in all, this was a terrible first day. Can’t wait to have more terrible days.
EREN
(hurriedly turning back)
That concludes another episode of -
The camera is turned off, and the last thing we hear is EREN shrieking furiously.