Chapter Text
it was fair to say that the night was a brighter beacon of hope for the start of jisung and hyunjin’s friendship. at least, that was what hyunjin was thinking as he laid his head on his pillow and sought out a peaceful sleep. not yet , his brain seemed to be saying, adamant on having him over analyze his actions.
the night had started off with low expectations and ended on a good note, thanks to jisung. that was that.
no , that was not that. tomorrow was saturday, meaning no school, but soon enough, it would be monday, and hyunjin would see jisung again in homeroom. would he smile? he didn’t normally do that. would he do their usual ‘i don’t see you; you don’t see me- we don’t tell felix?’ is that possible to do anymore? hyunjin had danced with the boy; he had invited him to dance. who prompts someone to dance and ignores their presence the next day? could he ignore him the same way? would he? how did he feel about jisung anyway?
hyunjin groaned, slamming his head onto the pillow, the momentary pain and dull throbbing welcomed. why did he have to overthink everything? and why couldn’t he answer those questions?
another groan, another night.
monday, as it turns out, was a day hyunjin woke up fretting for no reason. jisung was out. sick, according to the group chat after felix had spammed “where are you????” for the 40th time at lunch, where he sat with seungmin and felix now. private messaging did exist, but hyunjin didn’t mind as much as he normally would have.
his brows furrowed. is it that bad for jisung to be absent? in all the years that hyunjin had kept jisung more than out of arm’s length, jisung was rarely absent and even more rare was for the boy to be sick. it was shocking really because hyunjin doesn’t even think he’d ever seen the boy with a tissue. not that he was looking or checking for jisung.
sure .
his phone weighed down his pocket. until it didn’t.
hyunjin: how are you feeling? need anything?
fingers with minds of their own that betrayed hyunjin as they pressed send.
he wasn’t supposed to do that. his phone fell from his fingers instinctive hold to clatter into his lap.
somewhere, subconsciously in his mind, he was thanking God that it hadn’t fallen to any harsher surface. at the forefront of his thoughts, though, there was not a single one that he could pinpoint or give attention to. his head was buzzing. not because he had texted jisung, but because of how he had texted jisung.
it wasn’t new for him to send the boy a text. keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer. they weren’t enemies, necessarily, not friends either, more like acquaintances. hyunjin used the word sparingly. he couldn’t define his relationship with jisung, and that freaked him out. normally, the conversations between the two would be nice and short. it was mostly jisung asking if there was homework at 1 am, and hyunjin replying at 6 am.
they were so different. so many differences. jisung was always in a rush; it was always go time with him. hyunjin liked to be early and highly preferred punctuality; he liked to take his time in whatever he was doing until he was satisfied. sometimes that meant actually being up for jisung’s nightly “hw for history or no?” texts. jisung texted, and he always answered.
ping!
that was another thing, hyunjin always had his ringer on and volume up. jisung, on the other hand, invented the 24/7 use of do not disturb. everyone knows dnd is meant to be temporary except for jisung.
ping!
really, what business did he have never answering on time? not even on time, but within less than an hour, that was reasonable, and yet, hyunjin never received any texts from jisung if it wasn’t nighttime. he would be lucky to get a response on the same day.
ping!
“hyunjin! jin! earth to hyunjin!” hyunjin blinked, eyes refocusing, to see felix’s significantly small hands waving obnoxiously close to his face. seungmin just stared at him. “yea?” hyunjin blinked again; felix rescinding his hand. “you gonna get that?” seungmin was still staring.
hyunjin blinked again. huh?
seungmin simply raised his left eyebrow, and felix sighed. “your phone, hyunjin. it’s ringing.”
“oh,” hyunjin said simply. really, he had no clue how he didn’t feel the buzzing. his thoughts could be like that sometimes. all-consuming. thoughtlessly, he accepted the call.
“finally!” he heard. jisung . what was jisung doing calling him at lunch time? he never did that- oh, hyunjin had texted him.
“hyunjin, hey.” jisung sounded exhausted.
“hey, jisung. are you okay?” oh god, that was a stupid question to ask, and judging by the surprised expression on seungmin’s face, it definitely was (little did hyunjin know seungmin was shocked to hear hyunjin utter jisung’s name without the syllables falling from his tongue sounding like they were coated with hatred and something intangible. nuance.)
“uh, yeah,” jisung wheezed, “i’m fine.”
“you could do a better job of lying,” hyunjin deadpanned, but it sounded a little off, almost like he was worried. a teeny-tiny voice of truth in his mind told him he was. he would deal with that later).
“no, i just…” jisung sighed, “it’s nothing. are you guys at lunch?”
hyunjin noted the swift topic change, but relented, partially because that teeny-tiny voice was getting a bit too loud and was asking important, contemplative questions that he wanted to do anything but contemplate.
“ok is felix there?” hyunjin nodded, before realizing he was on a phone call. “yeah, yeah he is. you wanna talk to him?” red grazed his cheeks and ears.
jisung had also nodded.
hyunjin wordlessly handed the phone to felix, who proceeded to have what seemed to be like a very serious conversation for a few prepubescent teenagers, but hyunjin didn’t eavesdrop or process anything because he was too busy figuring out how to shut that teeny-tiny voice of truth up.
—
[10th grade]
high school had been much busier than hyunjin had expected. at his mom’s encouragement and felix’s “you have to, hyunjin,” he had attended his school’s club day. he had spent the day being dragged around by felix from booth to booth, until they had both decided on dance, and hyunjin had timidly signed his name for book club too.
book club had been a simple choice, and the meetings were fun. hyunjin had found it awkward at first, but it was surprisingly much easier to see strangers as close friends after collectively shitting on old white men. the best icebreaker.
while hyunjin found solace in the quiet corner of the library for book club, dance had been so much more. it was trying, testing, and true hard work. hyunjin loved it. freshman year had been a bit of a struggle as he had started.
—
“5, 6, 7, 8,” the coach counted , leading them through the first few moves in the routine. half an hour had already passed, and hyunjin was focusing, staring at himself moving in the mirror. his eyes shifted to the girl behind him, who was dancing effortlessly, limbs gliding smoothly, powerfully, beautifully. his eyes drifted back to his figure in that misleading mirror and nothing was right.
he knew he joined for the challenge, for the sleepless sleepover nights he had spent with lix learning random routines, to prove to himself that he could do it, that he had something.
because that was the problem wasn’t it? everyone seemed to already have something. something as simple as an answer to “what do you want to be when you grow up?” it seemed like he was the only one who didn’t know. they were only 13!
felix elbowed him. “what are you thinking so hard about?”
hyunjin shook his head. “nothing. i’m going to stay a bit to practice some more.”
felix stared a bit, eyes calculating in a way that hyunjin hadn’t seen fixated on him before. if hyunjin had blinked, he wouldn’t have caught it. a shiver ran through his body.
it took a second before felix smiled that wide loveable smile of his and slung his arm around hyunjin’s slightly wider shoulders, “looks like we’re practicing extra together!”
—
the days where hyunjin had stayed later were starting to pay off as he had worked on improving his routine and coordination, day after day. sometimes, strangely enough at jisung’s urging, he’d skip on his long afternoons in the studio for a night at felix’s house.
those nights were the fun ones, the ones where hyunjin could forget about the academics awaiting him on his desk and the responsibilities awaiting within his home. he knew he could be comfortable.
tonight was one of those nights. felix had reserved this friday for a hangout. hyunjin had to admit: felix had great advertisement. guaranteed brownies, videogames, youtube videos (without the annoying advertisements, thanks to chan), and many warm blankets. hyunjin was in, and according to the group chat, so was seungmin.
jisung hadn’t replied.
—
hyunjin opened felix’s always unlocked front door (he swore up and down that felix needed to start locking his door before something bad happened). “honey, i’m hooome.”
a laugh somewhere from the kitchen. “yes, hyunjin, i do believe you are.” mrs. lee stepped out into the entrance, surprising hyunjin.
“sorry, mrs. lee,” hyunjin said sheepishly, an embarrassed flush creeping up his neck as he bowed in apology. sometimes he forgot the fact that they were still a bunch of 15 year olds hanging out at felix’s family’s house at 6 pm. it was difficult to remember. they felt so much older.
mrs. lee simply patted his head. “how are you, hyunjin?”
hyunjin smiled, “i’ve been doing good. felix and i finished up some exams earlier, so we’re doing a lot better actually.”
she nodded, a small laugh escaping. “yes, i’ve definitely seen the difference. well, lixie is in the kitchen. please make sure he doesn’t make too much of a mess.”
hyunjin entered, immediately being smacked in the face with the delightful mix of scents of cocoa and brown sugar. felix was focused on whisking his creation all together, not noticing hyunjin’s presence.
“that looks heavenly,” hyunjin all but moaned.
it was safe to say that the look on felix’s face was worth the empty threat of “no brownies.”
eventually seungmin had arrived, and they had all moved to the basement where they always hung out. hyunjin settled into his seat on the sectional, splaying out his legs as they mindlessly chittered and chatted about what to do next.
felix gasped, eyes widening in a way that told hyunjin he didn’t want to hear what he had to say next. “let’s play a game! truth or dare or something.”
seungmin shrugged, grateful that they weren’t going to just sit in small-talk silence.
hyunjin groaned, “ugh, why truth or dare c’mon?”
felix wiggled his eyebrows mischeviously, “why? got something you’re hiding, jinnie?”
hyunjin rolled his eyes, moving closer to his friends on the couch, comfort be damned.
“yeah, what’s the worst you can do?”
hyunjin should not have underestimated felix. the thought looped in his mind, a warning: one that he now knew to heed. he should not have underestimated felix because if he had just simply agreed to truth or dare like seungmin, he wouldn’t be texting han jisung pickup lines that felix and seungmin had co-written. of all people, why him? when he voiced the question out loud, the other two had simply shared a look and laughed.
hyunjin was too busy wanting to bury himself into a hole to analyze his friends’ weird behavior. things with jisung had been weird. they hadn’t really talked once high school had started. he was busy with dance and would only regularly see felix and seungmin, since jisung was busy with band at lunch and other work after school. he’d see him sometimes as his dad drove him home from school, waiting for the bus on the corner. not many kids at his high school took the bus home. still, hyunjin would see him every day. jisung never noticed, and hyunjin never rolled the window to say hi or offer a ride. it was like things reverted back to how they were in elementary school.
and now here he was, sending him these stupid pick up lines.
hyunjin: titanic.
hyunjin: sorry, bad icebreaker.
hyunjin: on a scale of 1-america, how free are you?
hyunjin: FAT PENGUIN!
“all right guys, that’s more than enough,” he waved the phone in front of their faces, exasperated, “see? i sent them. now just wait until it’s your turn.” hyunjin narrowed his eyes; revenge trumping the embarrassment of his last five minutes.
“well, it is your turn, hyunjin.” seungmin shrugged, seemingly unbothered.
felix crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back unimpressed.
“okay, seungmin,” hyunjin smirked. “truth or dare?”
“truth.”
“are you and felix dating yet?” hook, line, and sinker.
seungmin still looked unfazed, “yes.”
“what the hell?!” hyunjin all but shrieked, “why didn’t you guys tell me?!”
“oh god, am i third-wheeling? i think i’m third-wheeling. oh, that’s sick. i’m happy for you guys. how long has this been going on? tell me everything, but please don’t tell me everything.”
“okay, hyunjin, calm down,” felix laughed at his friend’s frantic state, “we’ll tell you, we’ll tell you.”
he missed the vibration of his discarded phone on the table, fully engrossed in felix’s explanation.
jisung: hey.
jisung: tell lix to get off reddit.
jisung: and in that case, not free at all.
jisung: but it depends. if you’re free, maybe i’m free too.
jisung: lmaoooooo bye
jisung: fat penguin
—
i’m not
a little kid
now
watch me
get big
now