Chapter Text
Gentle sunlight was streaming in through the window, painting everything in white and pale yellow. The only sound in the room was Jensen's rhythmic breaths and Cougar knew the rest of the house would be just as silent. The others had gone on leave the night before, while Cougar and Jensen would be heading to New Hampshire later that afternoon.
Or at least they would have. This might change things.
Cougar turned his head to look at Jensen. He always appeared so peaceful when he slept. Cougar wouldn't call him beautiful, necessarily — people usually weren't when they slept, no matter what movies and TV tried to tell you — but there was a certain softness and vulnerability to him that couldn't be denied. Half of which was no doubt caused by Jensen's insanely thick and pretty eyelashes. Or maybe it was the lack of glasses that made him look so much more innocent.
Jensen lay on his stomach next to Cougar with one arm folded under his pillow, the other flung out toward Cougar. His hand rested right over Cougar's heart, fingertips brushing against the Sacred Heart tattoo. Cougar watched Jensen's hand rise and fall in time with his breaths, savoring the moment for as long as he was allowed.
The sunlight reached just low enough to touch the top of Jensen's spiky hair, turning the blond tips a stunning white. It was probably only a matter of time before Jensen woke up. The question was how he would react when he did.
Cougar held his breath as memories from the night before washed over him, igniting a pleasant burn in the pit of his stomach.
Jensen's lips on his. Jensen's warm skin underneath his fingertips. The little hitched noises of pleasure Jensen made when Cougar touched him, turning increasingly more desperate after each stroke. Jensen's hand curled around the back of Cougar's neck, both to anchor himself and to hold Cougar close. Jensen's pupils blown so wide his eyes no longer looked blue, full of breathless, aching desire. The whispers of Cougar's name, gasped out in between moans as Jensen climbed steadily higher. The look of pure bliss on Jensen's face as he came, prompting Cougar's own release, followed by trembling aftershocks that had Cougar pull Jensen into his arms. The slow, languid kisses they shared afterward, too sated to do much else.
Cougar turned his gaze to the ceiling of their shared bedroom, trying to push down the wave of desire. Now wasn't the time. He had to keep his head as clear as possible. Thankfully, he felt no signs of a hangover, but, then again, he hadn't drunk all that much the night before. Just enough to get comfortably buzzed and lower his inhibitions.
He was pretty sure he wouldn't have had sex with Jensen otherwise.
Not that he regretted what they had done but, had he been sober, the possibility wouldn't even have crossed his mind. While Cougar had known that Jensen was bisexual for years, their relationship had never been a sexual or romantic one. It had never occurred to Cougar that it could be, probably because he had always assumed that he, himself, was straight. And he probably still was — mostly straight, at least.
Cougar closed his eyes and let out a slow breath, listening to Jensen's soft half-snores.
Perhaps he should be more concerned over the fact that he'd just had sex with his best friend. People didn't usually do that, not without their relationship going through a drastic change afterward — and not always for the better. A part of Cougar was afraid, sure, not knowing what would happen once Jensen woke up, and wanted to cling to his contentment for as long as possible. But another was just that — content. He felt happy, lying there with Jensen, loose and relaxed, with the memories of their night together playing through his mind.
Would Jensen regret it? He had been very enthusiastic the night before, but Cougar knew that could change. Things might look different the morning after, even if they'd both consented — vigorously and eagerly — when it actually happened. There was DADT to consider and the effect this might have on them as teammates.
Cougar knew he should probably be more worried than he actually was. This could cost him his career. And yet, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to regret what they had done. It had felt more right than most things he had done in life. Falling asleep next to Jensen, tangled together on Cougar's bed rather than in their separate ones, bare skin touching, had settled something inside him he didn't even know had been loose in the first place.
He had never felt as peaceful as he had in that moment, with Jensen's breaths fanning against his neck and the warmth of his body so close to Cougar's own. There was not a single part of Cougar that regretted what they had done.
But Jensen might.
Cougar hoped he wouldn't, but, sometimes, it was difficult to tell how Jensen would react, especially to things of this magnitude. Their night together would inevitably change how he and Cougar viewed each other. Even if they agreed to pretend it had never happened, there was no way to erase the memories from their minds. They would always know and remember.
Cougar didn't want to forget. If possible, he would like to make even more memories. There were several things he wanted to try with Jensen, should he be interested — things that stoked that hot flame of desire still curling in Cougar's gut.
But that depended on how Jensen felt about this whole thing. Even if he didn't regret it, there were no guarantees he would be interested in a repeat performance. Perhaps Cougar had simply been conveniently present when Jensen needed some relief.
The thought left a sour taste at the back of Cougar's mouth, but, at the same time, he knew Jensen would never do that. He wouldn't jeopardize their friendship just because he was horny. Jensen was far too loyal and cared too much about Cougar to act that carelessly. Which raised the question: why had Jensen done it? Initiated it, even.
A delighted shiver ran down Cougar's spine as he remembered that first kiss. How Jensen's hand had been resting against Cougar's thigh, warm through the fabric of his jeans. How the look in Jensen's half-lidded eyes had lit a fire in Cougar's chest, even before he started leaning closer. How gently Jensen had brushed his fingertips against Cougar's cheek. How soft Jensen's lips had been when they finally kissed, standing in stark contrast to how hard Cougar's heart had been pounding. How right it had felt.
Cougar still didn't know why Jensen had done it, but he was grateful that he had. Otherwise, Cougar might have lived the rest of his life without knowing what it felt like to kiss Jensen — how perfect it felt, as if everything had finally slotted into place. Cougar might not be allowed to keep this feeling of contentment, but at least he knew.
At least he would always have this one night, even if Jensen didn't want more.
After another exhale, Cougar raised his hand and let it settle on top of Jensen's, the one still resting on his chest. Jensen's fingers twitched, the rhythm of his breaths pausing for a split second, but he didn't wake. Cougar wasn't sure if he was grateful or disappointed — probably a bit of both.
It was wonderful to lie there with Jensen, in blissful denial, but it was almost impossible to completely quiet his thoughts. They kept running in circles, wondering what Jensen would say and do when he woke up. It might even be a relief once he finally did, since Cougar would be put out of his misery, one way or another.
Sometimes, postponing the inevitable was not only futile, but harmful as well.
That said, Cougar didn't have the heart to intentionally wake Jensen — not when they didn't actually have to get up yet. More often than not, Jensen was teetering on the edge of sleep-depravation, his mind rarely quieting enough for him to get to bed at a decent hour. Any sleep Jensen could get was sleep he sorely needed.
Cougar looked back at Jensen, his heart squeezing at the sight of his peaceful, sleeping face. That was new, but not unpleasant — and not entirely unexpected, either. While Cougar had never considered Jensen in a sexual or romantic light before, it was impossible not to after the night they'd shared. Not that Cougar fell in love with every person he had sex with, but those people weren't his best friend — the man who probably knew Cougar better than his own mother did.
When Cougar thought about it, he realized how easy it would be to fall in love with Jensen.
Doing so might be a bad idea, however, if Jensen decided to put an end to whatever new turn their relationship had just taken. Cougar didn't want to, but he would respect Jensen's wishes if he did. There was very little Cougar wouldn't do for Jensen. That had been a known fact for years, long before this happened.
After a fond smile, Cougar closed his eyes again. He knew he wouldn't be falling back asleep — on a regular day, he would already be out of bed — but he felt no desire to move, either. Well, aside from the need to wash off the results from their activities the night before, which they'd both been too lazy to do before they fell asleep. Cougar kind of regretted that laziness now, but he was determined not to leave the bed before Jensen woke up.
He could only imagine what Jensen would feel if he woke up to an empty bed the night after he'd had sex with his best friend. He'd draw horrible conclusions from Cougar's absence — ones that were as far from the truth as he could possibly get.
So Cougar stayed, eyes closed and thoughts churning, no matter how much he tried to quiet them. It was still a pleasant experience, but not quite as peaceful as he had hoped.
He wasn't sure how long it took before Jensen began to stir, but it had to have been fifteen minutes, at the very least. Like always when there was no alarm to jolt him awake, Jensen woke slowly, starting with small movements that eventually built into lazy stretches — all without opening his eyes. Cougar was very familiar with the pattern, even if he had never been this close to the process before, to the point where he could feel every little twitch and hear every little sleepy noise.
This time, things went a little differently, however.
Cougar wasn't entirely sure what clued Jensen in to him not being alone in the bed — perhaps it was Cougar's hand on top of his, the shared warmth of their bodies, or simply that inexplicable awareness he and Jensen always had of each other. Either way, Jensen stiffened, his movements cut short.
It was a challenge to keep breathing, dread coursing through Cougar. Would Jensen regret this? Regret them?
Despite his fears, Cougar turned his head and looked at Jensen. He didn't want to act as if he regretted it. Jensen might very well take his cues from Cougar — deceptively observant and always eager to please — and if Cougar acted uncomfortable and ill at ease, Jensen would back off. He might mistakenly assume Cougar wanted to sweep this whole thing under the rug and never speak of it again. Jensen was self-sacrificing enough to along with that, even if he might want the opposite. They both were.
So, Cougar would do his best to show what he wanted, but without pushing Jensen in either direction.
It took another couple of seconds before Jensen opened his eyes. His awkwardness was immediately noticeable on how his gaze focused on Cougar's shoulder rather than his face. Jensen was afraid to look him in the eye.
Cougar's heart twisted, but he reminded himself that Jensen had only been awake for about a minute — he might need a little more time to adjust. The hesitation he saw in Jensen could be fear, not because of what they had done, but because Jensen had no idea what Cougar felt about the whole thing. The look on Jensen's face didn't spell regret and discomfort as much as dread, which was an emotion Cougar was intimately acquainted with in this context.
Cougar decided to speak, knowing that would inevitably draw Jensen's attention to him — it always did.
"Good morning."
Like expected, Jensen's gaze snapped up to meet Cougar's. It was a reflex Jensen might not even be aware of, but he always listened when Cougar spoke.
Jensen's eyes were wide and startled, and so blue it actually hurt a little. Cougar could tell they were teetering on the edge and that whatever he did next — whatever Jensen was able to read on his face — would change the course of their immediate future. So, Cougar did the only thing he could think of doing.
He smiled.
It wasn't a wide or carefree smile by any means — he wasn't very good at those smiles to begin with — but a soft, happy one, which much better conveyed the tentative hope curling inside of him. He knew Jensen might not want the same thing as he did and that he might be setting himself up for rejection, but that wasn't going to stop him from showing Jensen that he wanted this.
The moment held, breathless and tense, while Jensen stared at Cougar in silence. He wasn't wearing his glasses, but they were close enough that he should still be able to see Cougar's expression.
So much time passed that Cougar started bracing himself for the pain. If it took this long for Jensen to react, he must be trying to figure out how to let Cougar down gently. That would definitely hurt — and cause some awkwardness and friction in the future — but Cougar would just have to deal with that. He'd do anything for Jensen, even if it meant—
"You are so beautiful it takes my breath away," Jensen said.
Cougar blinked. That was not what he had expected. The smile that slowly spread on Jensen's face — the reverence in his gaze — helped ease the building pressure in Cougar's chest.
"You are perfect," Jensen continued, not breaking eye contact. His hand flattened against Cougar's chest, no doubt feeling Cougar's racing heartbeats against his fingertips. "And so beautiful."
Cougar was pretty sure he wasn't getting ahead of himself when he assumed that meant Jensen wanted this to become more than just a one-night stand. Slowly, Cougar let out a breath, not quite sure for how long he had been holding it. Tension bled out of him, leaving him once again loose and content.
"So are you," he replied.
Jensen's grin was dazzlingly bright, his delight unmistakable. He pulled closer and pressed a kiss against Cougar's bare shoulder, which sent a shiver down Cougar's spine.
"I guess we should talk, too, huh?" Jensen said.
Despite his words, Jensen was smiling, and there wasn't a single trace of doubt in his voice — he wasn't afraid of what that conversation would entail. He had understood what Cougar wanted and, judging by his expression, he wanted the same.
Cougar smiled back, helpless in the face of Jensen's happiness — and the one steadily growing inside his own chest.
"We should," he agreed. They had quite a lot to talk about — he just wasn't sure if he wanted to do that right now. He would like to linger in this moment, just a little longer. "Later," he therefore added.
Jensen let out a short laugh, but, considering how he shuffled closer, until he was pressed against Cougar's side, he didn't mind all that much. His head settled against Cougar's shoulder, his hand still splayed over Cougar's heart.
"Okay, later sounds good," Jensen mumbled, soft and unmistakably pleased.
Cougar smiled and pressed a kiss against Jensen's forehead, unable to help himself. Jensen wanted the same as him — didn't regret what they had done the night before — and the future had never looked quite as bright as it did in that moment.
Whatever lay ahead of them, they would figure it out, one step at a time. They always did.
Together.