Chapter Text
By the time Marco had made it home, it was well after dark. He rubbed at one of his eyes as he unsuccessfully tried to shove his key into the correct slot. After gathering enough intelligence to put the key in and twist it the right way, he let his body fall forward to push open the door.
The hall was lit by a small table light, as it always was, but strangely enough, there were no signs that Ymir had forced her way in, although the regular take out food bag was on the counter. He snorted softly. “Maybe she finally learned to use a key.”
Looking around, he felt strangely empty. “I’m home.” He called weakly, knowing no one would answer. The girls were gone, the house was empty.
“Welcome back. Finally.”
Marco jumped a foot in the air, slamming his back against the wall of the hallway. His house usually didn’t greet him back.
“What the hell was that?!” A brash voice questioned as a figure stepped into the hall. And as Marco caught sight of the tawny eyes looking at him in concern, he remembered.
“Jean.” He breathed out. He’d forgotten about him. “I-I…” Oh shit. He’d forgotten about him. “Ohmygod I completely forgot you were here!”
Jean visibly deflated. “Oh.”
Marco mentally kicked himself, his face heating up in embarrassment. “That was rude-I just meant that-I mean-I’m just kind of tired-”
“Marco its fine.” Jean let out an airy chuckle, waving him off but refusing to look at him. “I’m a stranger in your house-”
“No you’re not!” Marco hurriedly jumped in, grabbing Jeans shoulder so he would look at him. “You’re a friend! My friend!”
Jeans eyes widened again. “O-Oh.”
“I mean it Jean!” Marco insisted giving Jean a tiny shake for good measure. “I know it may be a little weird but I consider you to be a really close friend! I shouldn’t just forget about you like that!”
“Thanks.” Jean shrugged, though a slight smile fell on his face. “I can tell my mom I’ve finally got a friend.”
“Oh come on.” Marco laughed, pushing Jean shoulder. “You’ve got more friends than just me.”
Jean just shrugged, but the smile that rested on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Marcos own smile faltered. “Jean? Is something w-”
“Hey! Your sister stopped by today!” Jean interrupted, pushing past Marco and grabbing the food off the counter. He held it up like a trophy. “Free food!”
Marco blinked but let it go. As much as they were friends, they were also complete strangers. Marco had no business poking into Jeans problems….but that didn’t mean he wouldn't worried.
“Free food is the best food.” Marco smiled, picking up a container box. “Was Ymir nice to you when she stopped by?”
Jean let out nervous laugh. “Well...it was, ah…. an interesting visit, to say the least.”
Marco smiled fondly at the thought of his sister. “Shes...well she rude, pushy and aggressive. And protective. But...she means well, I promise. As long as you don’t try and go after her family. Then she’ll kick your ass.”
Jean let out a dramatic gasp. “Marco!”
Marco tilted his head, looking around. “What?”
“You...you actually said a cuss word!” Jeans dramatic act cracked as he started laughing. “Sorry sorry, I just don’t think I’ve heard you cuss so casually before.”
Marco blinked, trying to remember when he’d let a cuss word slip out so easily. He laughed a bit. “I suppose you’re just that bad of an influence on me.”
Jean laughed with him, but started rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “If you’re not... too tired, can I be even more of a bad influence?” Jean jabbed a thumb in the direction of the living room.
Marco lifted an eyebrow in confusion, but followed Jean into the other room. He blinked at the tv screen and the game system it was hooked up to. “Holy...you found my gaming station.”
“Armin told me where it was. Told me you haven't really been able to play since….anyway, I haven’t found a game yet, I thought I’d let you pick since its your place and gaming stuff. A-and if you don’t want t-to I understand-”
Marco cut him off with a hug. “Thank you. I really needed a break.”
“You’re welcome!” Jean squeaked.
Marco pulled back with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to crush you.” Jean just smiled, though his face was a dark red. Marco blinked a bit before he remembered.
‘Sorry! S-Sorry! Personal space!’
“Oh! Sorry!” Marco wanted to hit himself in the head. How could he have forgotten this morning!
“Sorry?” Jean questioned. “For what?”
“Invading your space….again.” He smiled tensely.
“What?” Jean stared in confusion for another minute, before something clicked and a look of embarrassed horror crossed his face. “No! Nononono- That’s not-! That was my fault! I just-" Jean cut himself off, huffing as he pinched the bridge of his nose. After a couple of seconds he looked back at Marco. "....I just... haven’t really been…..close enough to people recently, to really know what.... personal space is….I’ve kind of gotten out of touch with my…” Jean gestured with his arms at the space between them. “People skills.”
A silence settled between them, Marco not quite sure what to say, and Jean looking a bit like a kicked puppy that needed a hug. Or wanted to run. A little bit of both.
Marco smiled as he patted Jeans shoulder. “Well...I suppose I’m out of touch with my people skills too. Maybe we can teach each other how to be socially acceptable again.”
Jean laughed, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah maybe we can freckles......S-so, you wanna play some games?"
And that's how the next couple of hours went. Playing different games until they found a good one, talking and pushing each other around. They even broke out a case of beer that Ymir had, ever so generously, provided after finding out about Jeans plans. (Jean nervously admitted to calling her for help in finding all the correct cables.)
Now they sat laughing at nothing, Marco only slightly buzzed, while Jean was well on his way to full out drunk.
"YA know what, Freckles?" Jean blurted out, pausing their game. He turned to face Marco, poking his cheek. "You're....too nice.....to me."
"Oh am I?" Marco questioned, highly amused at Jeans actions.
Jean nodded with a hum. "I dont....I don't deserve your niceness...or the girls niceness...I don't deserve to be here.....I'm a worthless asshole..." With that, Jean let out a bitter laugh and put his head in his hands.
Marco openly gaped at the man, the sudden change causing him to sober up. "Jean? What are you talking about?! You're not worthless!"
"Of course I am!" Jean shouted curling into himself. "I cant....I can't do anythin' right! I'm a piece of shit!"
"Jean...." Marco gently pried Jeans hands away from his face. Tears were making their way down his cheeks, but his eyes remained on the ground. "Look at me Jean...please."
Jean slowly lifted his eyes to stare at the man. "I'm sorry."
Marco smiled, a little confused. "Sorry? For what? Crying?"
Jean shrugged, sniffling and rubbing at his eyes.
"Jean. You are not worthless ok? It's not a bad thing to cry. You don't have to be this stone cold person that can take on anything. You don't have to do anything alone." Marco smiled fondly at him. "You've got us. Me and the girls, if not everyone else."
Jean sniffed again with a smile, opening his mouth to say something, when his phone cut him off by buzzing.
A text. Nothing bad right? But Jean was looking absolutely horrified, trembling as he reached for his phone.
Marco caught his hand before he could reach it. "Jean." He almost sounded like he was pleading but he didn't know for what. All he knew is that, whoever was sending these texts had scared Jean horribly.
Jean gently pulled his hand out of his grip with a shake smile. "Please, I just....I have to see." And with hands shaking so bad Jean could barely hold his phone, Jean unlocked it and read the texts.
He seemed to go completely still for a full minute, sucking in shallow breaths, before he began shaking violently, as though someone had poured a bucket of ice water over his head without warning. Jean breaths became rapid, his face paling into an ungodly color of white.
"Jean!" Marco was no idiot. He'd spent the last couple of years searching up every possibility that could ever happen to his girls, so he knew what happening now. Jean was having a panic attack.
"..'msorry." Jean mumbled between quivering breaths. "Imsososososorry!"
"Jean, it's okay!" Marco insisted as he gently pried the phone out of his hands. "It's alright I promise! Breath...look at me." He grabbed Jean face with both his hands, pulling it up so they were looking directly at each other. "I'm right here. Don't worry about anything else, ok? It's just you and me."
It seemed like it was working for a moment, but then Jean glanced down at the phone and he was suddenly standing and backing away, out of Marcos reach. "No.....no...I'll just-I'll just- fuck! I can't!"
Marco grabbed onto his hands trying to pull him back as slowly as he could. "Jean I promise-"
"No! God dammit Marco! Please just-! I'll fuck up your life, please just let me go, before I ruin your life please just let me be alone!" Jean was begging, trying to pull his hands away, but Marco could see the silent plea in his eyes.
It was a plea not to leave him.
So he didn't.
He stood up and pulled Jean into a hug, bringing him close to his chest. He felt the blonde tense in his arms, still trying to pull away, before he broke down. Marco was well aware of the protective feeling curling in chest as Jean sobbed into his shirt.
He honestly wanted to find the person on the other side of the phone and cave their face in, but for now, he'd have to settle for humming random songs and rubbing patterns on Jeans back until the broken sobbing slowed.
He closed his eyes, resting head on top of a fluffy mess of blonde hair, trying his hardest to close off the rest of the world. Jean rested his head onto his shoulder, still sniffing, but quieting.
"Hey..." Marco whispered after a couple of minutes. He smiled at the small sound he got in return. "Maybe we should just go to bed, yeah?" Jean mumbled something that resembled a 'yes please', too emotionally exhausted to do anything more.
Slowly unwrapping himself from the blonde man, Marco swiftly hooked and arm under Jeans legs and another around his back, and pulled him up, the other man's arms automatically wrapping around his neck. He was somewhat surprised at how easy it was to lift the Jean into his arms and how he was willing to accept it.
Marco quickly walked down the hallway into the guest room, nudging the door open with his toe. He stopped for a moment to look at the room in awe. Jean had decorated it with pictures of his trips, some of the pictures of places so exotic they didn't even seem real.'Their as amazing and stunning as the man in my arms.'
Marco almost dropped said man at that thought, but managed to place him on the bed before he could. 'Woah there, Marco. Don't dig yourself into that hole.'
Even as he thought this, he smiled at Jean, who was drifting into sleep. Hesitating slightly, Marco reached out a hand and pushed a lock of hair away from the others face, who blinked up at him in a tired daze. Marco smiled softly at him, before he began to pull away, ready for bed himself.
His hand was caught by Jean, who looked slightly more conscious now. "Stay. Please. For a few minutes please I don't..."
Marco was a bit surprised, but got into the bed none the less. He wasn't about to leave Jean alone now. "Ok."
He quickly pulled the covers over them, pulling Jean closer into a hug. Jean tensed for a second before relaxing with a deep breath. They laid together in the dark for a couple of minutes, Marco even began to drift off to sleep, before Jean broke the silence.
"Marco?" He whispered, as though scared to ask. "What....what was she like?"
Marco turned to look at Jean, confused. "Who?"
Jean took another breath. "Your....your wife."
Marco sucked in a deep breath, feeling as though someone had just stabbed his heart with a icicle.
Jean seemed to sense his change, as he quickly scooted away from him, shaking his head furiously. "I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I- sorry, you don't have to answer-"
Marco cut him off by pulling him back into his arms. "It's...it's fine." Marco began rubbing patterns into Jeans back again, but more for his own distraction than to comfort the other man. "Her name...was Jessie. She had been my best friend in high school. She was amazing and creative and....God I loved her." He hadn't talked about her in so long, and the feelings were coming back to hit him hard. "I dont even really remember when we started dating. I mean, everyone said we'd make a perfect couple, and I guess one day we just said 'Alright then. I guess we're dating now.' And when we graduated we just stuck to it and things started moving faster. We got married at age nineteen, both got jobs at age twenty and the girls were born the next year. Everyone said we had the dream life, the one everyone wishes they could have....but I...."
"...But you...?"
Marco took a deep breath. He'd only told a few people this before. But he trusted Jean. "As much as we loved each other and as much as we loved the girls...we were never truly happy." Marco squeezed his eyes shut. "I think...I think we were just trying to please everyone, do what they thought was best...but...I realized...we couldn't love each other like we should've been able too. We loved each other as friends, we'd do anything for each other, and we never regretted the girls but..."
"You didn't love each other like that...."
Marco nodded his head. "And so one night we sat down and had a talk, and that's when I told her I was gay. That I'd been gay since freshman year." He laughed like he had told a horrible joke. "I thought she'd hate me, kick me out and never let me near the twins again but....she just smiled and said some stupid joke about how she knew I'd been staring at the football players instead of the her when she was cheering at games."
"So...what did you guys do?"
Marco moved to start running a hand through Jean hair. "We agreed to not try and have a fake marriage anymore. We planned to have a divorce, agreeing that we'd still be best friends as well as loving parents to our kids. Her mother....Mrs.Hails.....oh god she flipped. Called us insane and wouldn't talk to her daughter for weeks on end, and when she did call, they'd argue for hours. And then..."
Marco tried the swallow around the lump in his throat. "One day, after having a really nasty fight with her mom she....she went out for a walk, even though it was dark already...I told her not to but she said it would help calm her down, promised she'd be fine...and so I let her go..... a-and just a couple hours l-later I....I got this call." Marco rubbed his eyes as he struggled to steady his breathing. "A-a-and it was a doctor....they said....they told me that Jessie had been....been hit by a drunk driver...just down the street."
"Oh god...Marco-"
"I just didn't believe them at first, ya know? I called them a liar and...and hung up but....then....Mrs. Hails called....she wa-was yelling a-at me.....telling me th-that her daughter was..... dead.....because of me.....a-and I realized how very alone I was....I-" He let out a small, shuddering sob. "She promised me she'd be ok,Jean...She-"
Jean grabbed one of his hands. He seemed to be at a loss for words, so he settled for wrapping his arms around the shaking man, just like he'd done for him not even an hour before.
"Marco....I suck at...at being around people...and emotions.....but... ...but maybe....maybe you and I........Maybe we can teach each other what it means to......to not be alone?"
Marco wrapped both his arms around Jean, still shuddering and a few tears escaping, but smiled anyway. "I think...I think we can try..."
And as they drifted into sleep Marco had a sudden realization.
'I'm digging myself into a really deep hole...and I couldn't care less.'