Chapter Text
Scout: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
Sniper: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
Heavy: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
Medic: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
Scout: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Sniper: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Heavy: I got distracted about halfway through.
Medic: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
Scout: Can I be frank with you guys?
Sniper: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Heavy: Can I still be Heavy?
Medic: Shh, let Frank speak.
Scout: Tonight, one of you will betray us.
Sniper: Is it me, Scout?
Scout: No, it’s not you.
Heavy: Is it me, Scout?
Scout: It’s not you either.
Medic: Is it me, Scout?
Scout:
Scout, mockingly: Is IT mE Scout?
Scout: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.
Sniper:
Heavy:
Medic:
Everyone Else At Scout’s Surprise Birthday Party:
Sniper: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
Scout: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?
Sniper: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.
Heavy: I personally was created in a lab.
Medic: I just straight up spawned lol.
Scout: I just ended a four year relationship.
Sniper: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Scout: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.
*Heavy and Medic fighting from across the room*
Scout: Yo is Medic sleeping or dead?
Sniper: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.
Heavy: Yeah, so did I.
Medic: Okay first of all, fuck you-
Scout, Sniper, and Heavy are sitting on a bench
Medic: Why do you guys look so sad?
Scout: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
*Medic sits down*
Sniper: The bench is freshly painted.
Medic: Yo, what do you think about the Nintendo Direct this year?
Heavy: It’s terrible
Sniper: Meh
Scout: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!