Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Emptiness.

It’s the only thing he’s felt in days, maybe even weeks. He doesn’t know anymore.

He’s not even sad. There are no tears to be shed, no woes to be wept. He just feels devoid of everything.

Like a man wandering a desolate wasteland, he knows there’s no hope to be found, nothing beyond the barren landscape, but he wanders on anyway. Because what will happen if he were to stop? Will the nothingness consume him whole? Maybe that would be better. Accepting his fate instead of remaining like this; a lost soul with no chance of being found.

He’s not sure when he started feeling this way. Not that it matters. It’s something that had just crept up on him, taking residence in his life, casting him into an unfathomable, unshakeable darkness that only he can see.

He knew that this might happen. Linda had warned him that there would be ups and downs. He just didn’t think that the downs would be like this.

Everything just feels so hopeless.

And Chloe… he hasn’t talked to her about it. He can tell that she’s got her suspicions— that detective instinct is difficult to fool— but she doesn’t know the extent of it.

She doesn’t know the crushing loneliness that has settled within him, haunting him, weighing him down. 

It’s not that he’s hiding it from her, he just… he doesn’t want her to worry. He knows he can talk to her, but she’s already got so much on her plate; work has been hectic lately, the spawn has been getting into trouble at school, and tensions between her and Dan have been high for some reason he can’t even remember. 

So, it’s best if he just keeps this to himself, for now. It’ll surely improve with time. Even if it doesn’t, he has Linda to talk to. Though the doctor seems a tad distracted herself recently.

“Hey,” Chloe says softly, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. Even though some part of him expects it, the contact still manages to startle him, just a little bit. She says nothing about his reaction as she sets herself down in the chair beside him at the table though. It’s not uncommon for him to jump out of his skin at the smallest of touches, or any unexpected sound. He’d actually taken to putting his phone completely on silent, at least when he’s around Chloe. She’d tried doing the same, but one too many missed work calls and an irritated lieutenant had quickly put a stop to that.

Still, he copes though, even if sometimes it feels like that’s all he’s able to do.

“Are you, um…” She hesitates, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as she slides her hand down his shoulder, resting it on his forearm where it currently resides on the table. “Are you doing okay?” she finally asks, her blue eyes sparkling as her concerned gaze skitters over him.

Of course. He’d been a fool to think she wouldn’t ask him eventually.

He sighs, wrapping his hands around his mug, letting the heat seep through the ceramic and into his skin. It burns, just a little bit, but sometimes feeling anything— even pain— is preferable to feeling nothing.

Lifting it to his lips, he takes a sip of the steaming hot coffee, savouring the taste on his tongue before setting it back down. It’s decaf and unfortunately doesn’t contain any whiskey. As they’d discovered the hard way, alcohol and caffeine don’t do anything to help his already troubled sleep pattern. Just another metaphorical punch to the gut he’s willingly taking in order to keep his sanity intact.

He hums, and nods, turning to face her with a wan smile that he knows doesn’t reach his eyes.

She moves her hand to cover his, squeezing it gently. “You’ve just seemed…”— her jaw tenses slightly as she pauses, searching for the right word— “quiet lately,” she settles on. “You know I’m always here if you want to talk, right?”

“I know,” he replies quietly, his eyes falling from her face to focus on their entwined hands. It’s something she reminds him of quite often. That she’s here for him and he knows that it’s true but… somewhere along the line he had a thought that terrified him.

What if one day she decides she’s had enough of him? Of this. Of all the nightmares, the panic attacks, the mood swings. All the stupid rules and routines that have so unceremoniously invaded their life.

What if he tells her that despite everything she does for him, everything she puts up with, he’s still struggling.

Will she give up on him? Will she decide he’s a lost cause?

What if she decides that he’s not worth it anymore?

He certainly doesn’t feel like he’s worth it. Sometimes he just feels like he’s had enough, and he’s sure that she must too.

But the thought of her leaving him… the one good thing in his life disappearing, is just too much to bear.

So, rather than tell her more, rather than take that risk, he just wanders aimlessly onwards, searching for some sign that things might improve.

“Okay,” she replies after a long stretch of silence. Her hand leaves his, reaching instead for her phone. “Anyway,” she says, checking the time, “you want breakfast before we go? It’ll have to be quick if you want to get to therapy on time, or we can just pick something up on the way.” She shrugs a little, her attention divided as she replies to a message. “Up to you.”

“Bollocks,” he murmurs, scrubbing a hand over his face.

Chloe looks up from her screen. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head, pulling his fingers through his hair as he shifts in his seat. “Linda cancelled yesterday.”

Her eyes narrow, her brows furrowing as she slowly drops her phone and trains all her attention on him. “She did?” she asks. The hint of scepticism in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

Lucifer hums an affirmative, squeezing his eyes closed as he rubs his temple with two fingers, trying to will away the ache that hasn’t quite fully formed in his head yet. “I apologise. It completely slipped my mind.”

“That’s okay,” she says softly, leaning closer to him and tangling her fingers in the back of his hair, idly tracing soothing patterns. “Is everything okay? She doesn’t usually cancel.”

A content sigh escapes his lips as he melts into Chloe’s touch, willing himself to relax just for one moment. “I believe she said she had some family matter to take care of,” he answers, recalling the conversation they’d had on the phone. He hadn’t pried, because after all, it’s not like family issues are his forte. “Said she’d be back by Monday.”

“Monday?” Chloe parrots, blinking back her surprise. “That’s five days away.”

“Mhm,” he hums back noncommittally.

Her fingers cease their movements suddenly, causing him to snap his eyes open and see her increasingly worried gaze staring back at him. “Is that okay with you? Missing two sessions I mean.”

He raises an eyebrow at her. “I’m sure I’ll manage,” he answers easily, taking another sip of his coffee and trying not to take the insinuation that he can’t cope without therapy personally. Sure, he sees Linda three times a week and he hasn’t missed a session since he returned, but it’s not like he can’t handle missing a few. The routine is something he’s started to get used to— to rely on almost— and it may be tricky changing for a few days, but he’ll manage. Just like he manages everything else.

“Okay”— she smiles softly at him, squeezing his shoulder once more before releasing it, and rising from her seat to retrieve a stack of files from the cabinet — “well, do you wanna stay at home today then, or come hang out at the precinct? I mean, I kinda have boring meetings all morning, but Ella and Dan will be around, and we can at least grab lunch together.”

Staying at home is tempting indeed, but he also remembers what happened the last time he opted out of going to work, and it’s not exactly something he wants to re-live. “That sounds good.” He takes another swig of his coffee as she sets the files down on the breakfast bar and collects a few other items that she needs for the day.

“So,” she says, slipping her badge onto the waistline of her trousers before looking back to him, “did you want breakfast?”

“No,” he grumbles, “not really hungry.”

Draining the last of his coffee, he stands, intent on taking his empty cup to the sink, but he’s stopped in his tracks by Chloe coming to stand beside him instead. For a moment, he’s just confused as she stands there looking up at him with concern creasing her features. “Lucifer,” she says softly, gently prising the empty cup from his fingers and setting it down on the table before taking his now free hand in hers. Her eyes search his, his lips parting just slightly. For a second it seems like she’s going to ask him something, but instead all she says is a soft, “I love you.”

He frowns a little, but finds himself able to genuinely smile as she wraps her arms around his waist and pulls him close to her, leaning her head against his chest. He wants to say something back, but his throat suddenly feels tight, like the words won’t come no matter how hard he tries. So instead, he rests his chin on the top of her head and brings his arms up to encompass her body. Her arms tighten around him, and for a long while, they just stand there.

A part of him screams to just talk to her. He wants to tell her how he feels, but that voice in the back of his head whispers those dark little thoughts, reminding him he is unworthy. And he… he just can’t.

It feels like hours before she finally pulls away. She looks up at him for a fraction of a second, a weak smile gracing her beautiful face and her eyes slightly watery, before averting her gaze, busying herself by smoothing down the lapels of his jacket.

The sadness in her face breaks his heart and he would do anything to make it better. He just… doesn’t know what he can say. “Chloe, I…” he tries, his voice raw.

She worries her lip between her teeth, then glances back up at him and waits for a moment. Her long lashes blink away droplets of moisture that collect in her eyes, sparkling in the early morning light. When he doesn’t continue, she just shakes her head, hiding herself away behind a small smile before taking his hand and pulling away.

“Come on,” she says, a slight shake in her voice that she can’t conceal, “we should get going.”

He nods wordlessly, allowing himself to be led by the hand as she makes her way out of the apartment.

-

“Hey, Chloe.” Ella greets her with a smile, looking up from her paperwork as she enters the lab.

“Morning, Ella,” she replies, wringing her hands as she stands by the door.

Ella looks back down at her paperwork, adding her signature at the bottom of a report with a flourish before turning her full attention to Chloe. “I’m almost done with those reports that you wanted.”

Chloe shifts on the spot. “No rush, you can just leave them on my desk when you’re done.”

“Alriiight,” Ella draws out, her eyes narrowing a fraction but her beaming smile not faltering for one second. “Everything okay?”

“Hm,” she hums distractedly, nodding a little too enthusiastically. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I just… I have a meeting and, uh,”— she waves her hand, vaguely gesturing towards the bullpen where she can see Lucifer through the blinds, sat beside her desk— “Lucifer’s here and I wondered if you would mind checking on him while I’m gone.”

Ella’s face brightens at the mention of her partner. “Of course!” Then she looks thoughtful for a second, her face creasing with concern before she adds, “He isn’t usually here on a morning. Is everything alright?”

Chloe inches further into the room to lean on the counter. “Yeah… yeah. Everything’s fine.” Even she isn’t convinced by her words; there’s no way Ella is going to be. That much is clear by the raised eyebrow she gets in response, a look on her friend’s face that says, “Spill the beans”.

She shrugs, a jerky awkward motion that isn’t helped along by the way she’s resting her elbows on the countertop. “Everything is fine, it’s just…” She hesitates. Despite everything, a part of her is still reluctant to just share details of her and Lucifer’s life. But she also knows that Ella is their friend, and has always been an ear— and occasionally a shoulder— when she’s needed one. “Lucifer’s just seemed a bit… down lately. And now Linda’s out of town which means he’s missing therapy,” she pauses for a second, before adding a hasty, “which is fine.”

It’s not the therapy he’s missing that’s worrying her, it’s more the change in his routine. Something Linda had said to him had obviously stuck (for a change) because for the past couple of months he’s been very particular about keeping a routine. Some of it has been a little… trying at times, but to his credit, it does actually seem to have helped him in some ways.

Now, with Linda suddenly being called away, she’s just worried that this will affect him more than he realises.

“He just has a tendency,” she continues slowly, drawing out her words, “to get a bit… angsty when his routine changes.”

Ella looks at her, sympathy in her eyes as she smiles softly in understanding.

“And I know he’s strong, but he’s just been through so much and I worry about him, you know?”

“I know,” Ella says with nothing but kindness in her voice. “You love him, Chloe”— she smiles sweetly, her eyes sparkling— “it’s kinda your job to worry about him. And, for the record,” she adds, her expression becoming a little cheekier, “you two are totally adorbs.”

Chloe can’t help but smile at her friend’s words, even with the anxiety that churns in her stomach. “Thanks,” she says, feeling slightly embarrassed by that last part. “And I guess you’re right, I just want what’s best for him.”

She wants him to be happy. If there’s anyone in the world that deserves to be happy, it’s him. This path that they are walking— their life now— is a rocky one. They seem to have more ups and downs than a rollercoaster, but they always get through them. That’s it though. Life these past few months just feels like they are getting through one problem only to be faced with another and another.

She knew adjusting wouldn’t be easy, that it would take time for things to feel like some semblance of normal again. Linda had said as much many times over, as well as reminding her that the extent of Lucifer’s trauma is unprecedented. There’s no telling how long his recovery will take. If he ever recovers. Big if.

“Of course you do,” Ella says, breaking her from her thoughts. She steps towards her, extending her arms in invitation for a hug, which, of course, Chloe can’t resist. The embrace is comforting, and she feels herself sink into it. “And you know you don’t need to take all the worry for yourself. I’ve got you covered.”

Chloe pulls away from the hug, frowning a little bit. “What do you mean?”

“Go to your meetings, don’t worry about Lucifer. I’ll hang out with him while you’re gone.”

“I appreciate that, Ella,” she replies, unable to keep from mirroring her friend’s smile. “And it’s not like I think he needs a babysitter or anything, I know he can take care of himself, I just—”

“I know,” Ella replies, understanding what she’s going to say before she’s even said it. “Besides, it’s been a while since Lucifer and I have spent any time together.” Her smile widens, flashing her perfect pearly white teeth. “It’ll be fun!”

Honestly, it feels great to be able to have friends that she can rely on. She’s so grateful for Ella and Linda, and everyone else in her life that goes out of their way to lend them a hand when they need it. “Thanks, Ella. Seriously, it means the world.”

-

She makes a stop at the break room on her way back to her desk, gathering all the spare change in her pocket and shoving it into the vending machine. It turns out to be just enough for a candy bar, so she picks one at random and watches it fall into the bottom of the machine. Bending down, she takes it from the compartment and turns to the small kitchen, making herself a coffee and Lucifer a tea before heading back to her desk.

When she gets there, Lucifer is sitting in his chair, seemingly oblivious to her approach as he plays with the Newton’s cradle that sits on her desk. He pulls the outer ball up before releasing it and watching as the balls hit each other, producing a rhythmic clacking sound.

“Here,” she says as she sets the cup down on the desk beside him, along with the candy bar.

He stares at it for a moment, blinking slowly as confusion creases his features. It’s really quite adorable. “What’s that for?”

She smiles back at him, touching his shoulder with her free hand, idly squeezing and releasing over and over, kneading the tight muscle beneath the expensive fabric of his jacket. “It’s for you.” She shrugs a little as he looks up to her, his dark eyes twinkling in the harsh electric lights of the precinct. “Just because.”

Truthfully it isn’t exactly “just because”. He hasn’t eaten anything yet today, and he didn’t really eat much for dinner last night. She doesn’t want to shame him or anything for it; his appetite does seem to wax and wane, but she also knows that not eating doesn’t make anything better. Even the Devil needs to eat, after all.

“And you know,” she smiles cheekily, playfully hitting his shoulder, “I’m pretty sure I saw Dan re-filling his stock of pudding in the fridge earlier.” She waggles her eyebrows impishly, knowing that he won’t be able to resist stealing a pudding. And even though he protests, she knows that deep down Dan doesn’t really mind any more.

He smiles softly back, looking less mischievous than she thought he would, which makes her heart deflate just a little bit. She sighs, giving his shoulder one last little squeeze before releasing him. His smile falters at that, just for a second, before returning, looking brighter than before. “Perhaps I shall pay the breakroom a visit later,” he says quietly.

He’s trying, but is clearly struggling. A part of her balks at leaving him alone, but she knows she can’t be there for him twenty-four-seven, and she also knows he doesn’t need her to be. He is capable of looking after himself, at least for a short while. And besides, Ella is around. She and Lucifer are good friends. Somehow, she seems to understand a lot of what he’s going through better than Chloe does.

Hopefully some time with her will be good for him.

“Anyway,” she says, smiling as best she can, despite the tumultuous thoughts that stir within, “I need to go.” She leans down to press a quick kiss to his temple, running her fingers through his hair before pulling away. “I’ll see you later. Don’t get into too much trouble, okay?”

He smiles in return, and she takes a moment to just see him. His tired eyes glisten just slightly, his cheeks a little hollower than they had been the previous day, and his tight-lipped smile is clearly more than a little forced.

She just wants to hold him and make everything better, but she knows that’s not how this works. He has his battles to fight and she’s here to support him. It can be exhausting for the both of them, but she knows that they just need to weather the storm together and eventually the sun will shine on them once more. Even if another storm is just around the corner, there will always be breaks in the ongoing onslaught.

The most important thing is that they are together, through thick and thin.

-

Time ticks by slowly as he sits there. He drinks his tea and then fidgets restlessly, first with the Newton’s cradle and then, when he gets bored of that, he retrieves one of the stress toys that Chloe keeps in her desk. It’s a set of red magnet rings that he expertly spins on his fingers, alternating the free ring between them.

It’s really a futile attempt to focus his attention elsewhere. An attempt to drown out the niggling sinister thoughts that lurk in his mind, trying to get his attention. Trying to ruin everything.

The ceaseless, bustling activity that envelops the precinct is no help either. His head hurts, the dull throb from earlier developing into a sharp, painful ache right in his temples. The cacophony of noises around him seem to swell to a crescendo, each one causing tendrils of pain to shoot through his head. The door to the interrogation room slams, the copier runs endlessly, a man shouts protests as officers practically drag him to the holding cells, laughter explodes from the break room.

It’s overwhelming.

Dropping the rings from his fingers, he takes his head in his hands. He covers his ears, pressing his fingers into his hair, and squeezes his eyes shut so tight that he sees stars dancing in the darkness.

It does nothing to calm the whirlwind of noises that surround him, but he tries desperately to steady his now rapid breaths.

It’s okay, You’re okay. Just breathe. You’re going to be okay.

He repeats the words to himself over and over. Clinging to them like a lifeline. So desperately willing them to be true.

“Lucifer?” A quiet, hesitant little voice penetrates the bubble of panic that encompasses him, sending a shock through his system. He quickly looks up, snapping his eyes open and dropping his hands.

Ella stands before him, a stack of files in her arms, her usual smile seemingly absent as she looks on at him with worry in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” she asks, a hint of trepidation in her tone.

“I…” he tries, his breath catching in his throat as his heart still pounds hard in his chest. His throat feels tight, constricting even further as he tries to get out the words to explain. “I’m fine,” he manages eventually, though his voice sounds strained, even to him.

Ella’s features soften, a small smile pulling at her lips as she looks at him and turns to place the files down on the Detective’s desk. “I think you dropped this,” she says, bending down to retrieve one of the magnetic rings he’d been playing with from the floor underneath Chloe’s chair. It must have rolled there. He hadn’t even noticed.

She offers it to him, and he takes it, thanking her quietly as he picks up the rest of them from his lap and returns to spinning them around his fingers.

After that she plonks herself down in Chloe’s chair, her eyes following the movements of his fingers as he mindlessly does intricate tricks with the rings. “So… a Charleston Chew, huh?” She reaches out, picking up the yet-to-be-touched sweet that Chloe had given him, staring at it for a second before looking back to him with a smile. “These things are like crack, I swear. When I was a kid, I ate so many in one go that my Abuela thought I was gonna go into a sugar coma or something.”

Lucifer raises an eyebrow at her. The image of a young and excitable Miss Lopez hopped up on copious amounts of sugar floats to the forefront of his mind. Even on the best of days the Urchin is a handful; he can only imagine the nightmare that Ella must have been. “You can have it if you want,” he says absentmindedly, willing away the terrible images that have formed in his mind as he fiddles with the toys in his fingers.

She’s the one to raise the eyebrow this time. “What?” 

“Take it.” He waves his hand at the chocolate bar that still remains in her grasp. “You seem to want it more than I do.”

“Dude, no!” She thrusts it back towards him, urging him to take it. “I’m not going to take your candy bar!”

Lucifer shrugs half-heartedly and then takes the chocolate from her. “Suit yourself, seems a shame for it to go to waste though.”

Ella leans forward in her chair, tilting her head to one side as she studies him with concern in her features. “You’re not going to eat it?”

He just shrugs in response. Truthfully, he just doesn’t really feel in the mood to eat anything lately.

“Hey, why don’t we go halvsies?” she says with a soft smile pulling at her lips. Lucifer looks at her for a moment, not quite comprehending her until she adds, “I mean, why don’t we split it?”

He takes a moment to think about it before responding, “If I say yes, will you stop asking me about it?”

Ella nods back at him with an open-mouthed grin. “Absolutely.”

“Fine.” Picking the Charleston chew up, he grabs it with both hands, and with hardly any effort, pulls it clean in half, wrapper and all.

When he holds one half out to Ella, she just stares at him with wide eyes, her mouth agape. “Dude,” she says slowly, “how did you—”

“Well, I am the Devil,” he replies flatly, cutting her off.

“Of course!” she exclaims, taking the offered piece of candy from his hand. “You’re just so…” she trails off, clearly thinking about whatever she's going to say, and then continues with a half-shrug, “you. It’s easy to forget all that celestial stuff when I just see you as my friend.” Her eyes linger on him for a moment, shining in the electric light as the smile on her face softens infinitesimally. “Well, actually I think of you more like my brother, but still.”

Something inside him flutters at that. Brother. What has he ever done to deserve such love from such good people?

Can’t she see that he brings misery everywhere he goes? Ruins everything he touches?

He’s just no good for anyone.

He’s not worthy.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” she says softly, pulling him from his thoughts. “You seem really… distant.”

Taking a breath, he leans back in his chair. It feels like something inside him deflates at her words. She really does care about him. Just like Chloe, she really does want him to be happy. If only he weren’t so worthless, maybe he could be, and then he could stop being such a burden to the people who care about him.

“I…” he tries, suddenly starting to feel a bit overwhelmed once more, “yes, I’m fine, I just”— he scrubs one hand over his face, pulling his fingers through his hair— “I… I don’t know.”

It seems like Ella really sees him. Out of all the people that surround him, sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who really understands, because she’s been where he’s been. Well… not here exactly, but somewhere similar. If only he could talk to her, but his thoughts… they all feel so messy.

He wouldn’t even know where to begin.

“Having a bad day, huh?”

He shrugs a little, his gaze falling to the floor. “Something like that.”

Just another bad day in a long string of many.

Leaning forward slightly, she reaches out, placing her hand gently on his forearm. “That’s okay.”

That’s okay.

How is it that those two words somehow make him feel a little less alone?

A wan smile pulls at his lips as they sit there in silence for a time. She peels back the plastic wrapper from her half of the severed Charleston Chew and starts to dig in. Chocolate flakes off the outside of the nougat, falling into her lap, but she doesn’t seem to notice as she chews away.

She looks happy.

It’s such a simple thing, but it makes her smile. And that smile seems like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark world to him.

“You know,” she says suddenly, mid-chew, “when I’m having a bad day, it helps me to do something fun. Just… take my mind off it for a bit. We should totally go somewhere.”

Lucifer frowns, quickly glancing around the precinct before looking back to the lounging Miss Lopez. The precinct has grown quieter since they’ve been talking, and he’s sure he’d be just fine here. “Aren’t you supposed to be”— he waves his hand, vaguely gesturing towards the paperwork that Ella had dumped on the Detective’s desk before sitting down— “working or something?”

Ella smiles. A glint of mischief sparkles in her eyes. “What’s the point in being a mature and capable adult if you don’t blow off your responsibilities and do something fun every once in a while?”

“But I’m supposed to be having lunch with Chloe,” he counters. He should just wait here until then, like he intended to do in the first place.

Her smile turns sceptical. “You know that’s like four hours away, right?”

“Well… yes, but—”

“Come on!” she exclaims, hopping up from her seat. “It’ll be fun! I promise I’ll have you back in time for lunch. And besides,” she adds, her smile growing wider, “I already know the perfect place.”

Lucifer shifts in his chair, busying his hands by fidgeting with his cufflinks as he thinks over the proposition. It could be good to take his mind off things, even just for a short time…

“Trust me,” she adds, nodding encouragingly.

He sighs, and then, glancing around the precinct one last time, decides that there’s no harm in trying. And even if it doesn’t make him feel any better, it seems to make Ella happy. He can’t really bring himself to deny her this. “Alright,” he concedes.

-

Lucifer frowns at the sleek, mirrored building that stands before them. They hadn’t driven far, half an hour tops, but they’re by the water now, not far from Long beach.

The area is familiar, but he hasn’t been here in some time. This building though… it looks new, and he’s not particularly sure what it is now or what it had been before.

They’re standing on the neat flagstone courtyard that surrounds the building. There are a few benches, plant pots and grassy areas which give the area quite a natural, peaceful feel. A light breeze rustles the leaves of young trees that stand in the middle of the lush green, only adding to that feeling. There’s a sign closer to the building, but from this angle, he can’t read it.

“What is this?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder to see Ella standing on the neatly trimmed grass, taking a selfie. Behind her the sun reflects off the waves, making the water shimmer, and, if he squints against it, he can just make out the silhouette of the Queen Mary across the shore.

Snapping a couple of photos, she flicks through them until a satisfied smile settles on her face and she looks back up to him. “It’s the aquarium,” she explains. “You’ve never been here before?”

He shakes his head in response. “We took the Urchin to the zoo a few weeks back…” he trails off, recalling the memory of the day a bit too vividly in his mind. It wasn’t the best experience for him. “It was”— he clears his throat, wringing his hands together as he tries to fend off the unpleasant feelings that suddenly stir within him— “crowded.”

“Oh.” Ella’s smile falters. “Don’t worry, it should be pretty quiet today, but if you feel uncomfortable, just let me know and we can leave, okay?”

He nods.

“Now come here so I can get a picture of us!”

True to Ella’s word, it is quiet inside.

The lobby just past the reception is a large, domed room. It’s dimly lit, accentuated by the navy-blue carpets and walls, though it doesn’t exactly feel dark. On the contrary, the deep colours make the place feel bigger than it is, endless even. And the way the patterns of rippling light reflect from the water tanks in the room and spread across the space make it feel almost peaceful.

Lucifer stands in the entrance for a moment, taking in the area around him. The gentle sound of babbling water can be heard from somewhere across the room, and other than a hushed conversation between a couple who are sitting on a ledge by one of the tanks in the walls, it’s really quiet. Most people seem to just be silently observing the colourful and exotic contents of each tank, making their way around the room at a leisurely pace.

Something about being here makes him feel instantly… calmer.

Ella nudges his arm a little from her place next to him. “Come this way,” she says with a big smile on her face, “I wanna show you my favourite area.”

As he followers her further into the room, he looks up and sees a collection of decorative paper jellyfish hanging in a group in the air. Soft pastel lights illuminate them in different colours that gradually change as he watches them.

The whole thing gives him the sensation like he’s underwater, but for once he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning. Quite the opposite in fact. Something within him feels almost at peace.

Ella leads him straight through the room, past several tanks to an area at the back. There’s an archway in the wall, the corridor beyond darker than the room they are currently in. A sign above the entrance marks it as “The Deep”.

At first glance it seems like there is only one tank standing in the centre of the new area; the rest of the walls have only illuminated circles embedded in them. She leads him straight past the large tank, which contains several very average looking jellyfish floating lazily in the water, and towards the glowing lights in the walls that softly illuminate the area. They can’t be more than waist-high to him, and from this angle, he can’t see inside them, though it’s clear that there must be something inside as Ella leads him directly towards them.

She comes to a halt beside one of them, and he watches with curiosity as she bends slightly, and then leans forward, her head disappearing into the strange hole. After a second though, she retreats, looks up at him with a beaming, open-mouthed smile, and grabs his hand before pulling him down with her.

He manages to narrowly avoid hitting his head on the edge of the circle as he ducks inside beside her. The space is cramped and there’s barely enough room for both of them, but the view is magical.

It is a tank, only it’s more like a bubble that extends into a tank. What must be hundreds of teeny-tiny, pink jellyfish dance in the crystal-clear blue water beyond the curved glass. Standing there, he feels immersed. His eyes track the slow, rhythmic movements of the creatures as they drift around him, their leisurely, pulsating motions seeding a feeling of total relaxation in his bones.

“Isn’t it cool?!” Ella says suddenly. In the few minutes that they’d been standing there, he’d almost forgotten that she was right next to him, and her sudden reminder causes him to startle, jerking upwards only to hit his head on the top of the bubble.

“Ow!” It doesn’t really hurt, it’s more of a shock than anything, but his instinct is to cover it with his hand, nonetheless.

Ella’s eyes go wide, and she covers her mouth, but he can tell that she’s laughing at least a little bit. “Are you okay?”

He nods, still rubbing his head. Her face is glowing in the light from the tank and as she smiles, he can’t help but smile too.

“I’m pretty sure these things are made for little kids, but they are cool, right?” Her gaze drifts back towards the jellyfish, and, with a little shrug, she adds, “And you’re just like… freakishly tall.”

He huffs a laugh out at that. It’s not his fault everyone else is so small. “I suppose they are quite… ‘cool’ really,” he says, once again watching the odd creatures as they simply exist.

“What do you think they think about all day?” Ella says. He glances at her out of the periphery of his vision, and she looks completely lost in the tank before her.

“I’m not sure that they have the capacity to think,” he replies easily. Out of all of his Father’s creatures, these certainly are of the stranger variety.

Ella shakes her head, gesturing in the air towards the tank, but still not taking her eyes off the jellyfish. “No, I mean, they totally can’t think. They’re basically just nerves and tentacles, but what if they could? What do you think life is like for them?” She pauses, growing distant as she stares into the depth of blue beyond, and then adds, quietly, “Must be peaceful.”

Lucifer can’t help but laugh. “Peaceful?” he parrots, shaking his head, “More like bloody boring if you ask me.”

She pulls her starry gaze away from the tank to frown at him.

“Out of all the things you could be, imagine ending up getting stuck as a useless blob of stingers and goo.”

“Okaaay.” She draws out the word, a cheeky smile tugging at her lips. “What would you be then? If you could be any sea creature, what would you be?”

He scoffs. This is a ridiculous game. “I’d at least want to be something with a brain for a start.”

“Well, I would want to be a dolphin or…” she trails off, narrowing her eyes as she thinks, “an otter.”

Lucifer huffs out a laugh. “An otter?”

She nods enthusiastically, smiling widely despite his mocking tone. “Yeah! They look so soft!” Her eyes light up and she adds, “And I bet they give the best hugs!”

They both laugh then, and it feels… good. He feels lighter, and for a moment it seems like he can forget all the dark thoughts and the stress and just be.

“Alright”— she punches him playfully in the shoulder— “what would you be then?”

He grimaces a little. “Not an otter,” he replies, still not understanding why anyone would want to be a soggy furball. “I’d want to be something cool,” he says with a shrug, “like… a shark.”

Ella doesn’t say anything to that, just smiles softly before retreating from the viewing area and gesturing for him to follow.

The room she leads him to next is bigger than the last, with the same dark coloured carpets and walls, only this room is bathed almost entirely in soft blue light that shimmers like the water it is reflected from. The ‘walls’— if you can call them that— are mostly glass on three sides of the room, interrupted only by columns in the corners, and a small, carpeted ledge along the length of the floor.

It’s like they’ve walked into a humongous tank, only in the water beyond there is nothing but rocks and sand. Not a fish to be seen.  Not at first anyway.

“What’s supposed to be in th—” he starts to ask, but is quickly cut off by Miss Lopez.

She holds a hand up to him, her bright eyes fixed on the tank. “Just wait a sec,” she replies.

He frowns a little, but keeps looking.

A few moments later, he sees something. It appears on the very right side of the tank, first only a flash of grey catching the periphery of his vision, and then he turns to see it fully. It glides gracefully through the water with barely any effort, crossing the wall in front of him, then the wall to the left of him, before disappearing once more.

A shark. A tiger shark by the looks of it. A girl, judging by the fins.

Lucifer feels himself drawn towards the glass as she comes around again, swimming in the same pattern as she had before. He presses his hand to the glass, feeling the chill seep into his skin as his eyes remain fixed, entranced by the magnificent creature.

Ella remains silent, just as enraptured as he is, and follows his lead, coming closer to the glass. She sets herself down on the ledge beside the tank, sitting sideways with her back against one of the pillars and her legs pulled up to her chest.

Lucifer sinks down as well, perching on the soft carpeted ledge, mirroring her with his back against another pillar, only with his legs stretched out in front of him.

They remain like that for a long time, both content just to take pause from reality and reflect as they bask in the peaceful existence that they have stepped into.

“You were right,” Lucifer says quietly, breaking the silence after some time.

She pulls her gaze away from the shark to look at him with a question in her expression.

“About getting out and doing something different,” he explains, his gaze falling to his lap where he fiddles with the ring on his finger. “I do feel better.” Pausing a moment, he takes a breath, before adding, “Thank you.”

It’s still there, the anxiety that constantly stirs within him, but he feels clearer now, somehow. Like this little timeout has reminded him of something, only he’s not entirely sure what.

Ella smiles at him softly. Bright shades of blue and white dance across her face, illuminating her features. “I’m glad, and you know, if you ever need to talk, I’m always here for you.”

The offer is kind and it’s one he desperately wishes he could take, but that dark voice in the back of his mind seems to resurface, reminding him that he can’t. The worry grows inside of him, telling him that his friends— that Chloe— will get fed up with him, returning with vengeance.

“I wish it were that simple,” he utters, shaking his head and grimacing.

“Dude, look”— she straightens herself a little, her tone becoming more serious— “I know how it feels to be filled with dark thoughts and self-doubt. And I know it’s scary to open up to people because you’re terrified that they are going to see the true you and run, but that’s just your anxieties talking. The people around you love you, Lucifer, and they accept you for who you are. Nothing— and I mean nothing— is going to change that. Keeping all that stuff bottled up isn’t good. Chloe and your friends just want to help you, but you need to give them the chance.”

He swallows hard, his throat feeling tighter with each word she speaks. “But I…” he starts, his voice sounding strained even to his own ears, “I’m scared.” The admission is difficult, possibly one of the most difficult things he’s ever had to admit to anyone, but he feels better for saying it. He squeezes his eyes closed, his finger’s fidgeting with his ring increasing, if only to stop himself from scrubbing his hands over his face. “I’m scared that Chloe will get sick of me. That she will realise that I’m just… I’m just broken and I’m not worth the effort to fix. Sometimes I feel like no one can understand and that… that makes me feel so alone.”

His eyes remain locked on his lap, but he hears Ella rise from her seat and come to stand next to him. She reaches out to rest her hand on his shoulder, and gently squeezes. “You’re not broken, Lucifer.”

He finds himself able to look up at her then, into her shining, dark-brown eyes. Something about the way she says that makes him want to believe her.

“And you’re not alone. Chloe loves you so, so much.” She smiles tenderly. He knows Ella wouldn’t lie to him. He can believe what she says. It just all feels so difficult. “She would do anything for you. She’s not going to get sick of you. Just talk to her and you’ll see. Trust me.”

“I…” he hesitates a little, but then says, “I do.” He does trust Ella. She’s always been there for him and she knows what it’s like— knows what it is to feel this way.

“Thank you,” she replies. She stands there for a few moments longer before squeezing his shoulder one last time and then releasing him. A companionable silence settles between them as the conversation fades away.

They both seem to fall back into watching the shark swimming for a while, then Ella suddenly says, “I gotta go find a restroom, are you okay just to hang for a few?”

He nods wordlessly and watches her retreat from the room before returning his attention to the shark, whilst his mind mulls over everything Ella had said to him.

As he watches, he can’t help but think how lonely she must be in there. Swimming endlessly, with no company save for the hand that feeds her and onlookers that surround her and see her but can’t understand her.

He knows what that feels like all too well.

But maybe Ella’s right.

Maybe he doesn’t have to feel that way.

Ella returns after what feels like a lot more than ‘a few’, but he doesn’t really mind. Sitting there makes him feel more relaxed than he has done in weeks.

For some reason that is completely unfathomable to him in the moment, she has a huge stuffed shark tucked under one arm. The fur is light grey, and it has black beady eyes that shine in the light. The mouth is unrealistic though; it has multiple lines of teeth, which is accurate, but the open mouth makes the thing look like it’s smiling. The expression isn’t actually dissimilar to the one that currently dawns Miss Lopez’s face.

He frowns at her as she stops in front of him. He raises an eyebrow, throwing a glance towards the toy. “Get lost on the way to the loo, did you?”

She laughs. “The toilets are right by the gift shop”— it’s difficult to tell in this light, but he would say her cheeks look a little flushed— “and I totally got distracted.”

“By a stuffed shark?” he asks sceptically.

With an open-mouthed smile, she nods enthusiastically as she makes to set herself down on the ledge beside him, just perching on the very edge. Her gaze remains fixed on the tank wall at the far side of the room, making her look distant, thoughtful even, before seemingly snapping herself out of it to look at him once more. “Now that I think about it, it’s probably stupid….” She places the toy shark down in her lap. It must be a good two feet long.

He frowns, not quite understanding what she’s talking about.

“It’s for you,” she says after a moment, holding the toy out to him. It smiles up at him with that ridiculous grin and shiny eyes.

His frown deepens. “You bought me a shark?”

She nods wordlessly, still offering it to him, but he doesn’t take it.

“Why?”

Dropping it back into her lap, she shrugs a little, her gaze falling to it. “I don’t know really. I guess I thought that it’d be like… a reminder.”

She falls silent again, and her brief explanation doesn’t clear any of his confusion, so he pushes her a little bit. “A reminder?”

A soft smile graces her features as she looks up to him once more, humming. “A reminder of this. I thought that you could take it and any time you feel like you’re alone, you can look at it and remember that you’re not.” She shakes her head again, still smiling. “It’s stupid though, you don’t have to take it.”

“No,” he finds himself saying. “It’s not.” His throat feels like it’s constricting, but he presses onward. “It’s quite… lovely, actually. Thank you.”

Her face lights up at his words, and she offers the shark to him once more. Reaching out, he takes the stuffed toy, feeling his fingers sink into the soft, plush material, and holds it in both hands, taking a moment just to look at it.

The gesture is so infinitely kind. He’s not sure what he’s done to deserve such good people in his life, and the thought makes him feel overwhelmed, but oddly not in a bad way this time. It makes him feel… happy.

This is his home. The people around him love him and care about him. He knows that.

It just feels so easy to forget sometimes.

But when the world is dark, lights shine their brightest. And he has so, so many lights in his life. Chloe, Ella, Linda, the urchin… even Dan, when he’s not too busy being a douche.

Sometimes he just needs a gentle reminder that he can trust them.

The rest of the morning passes quickly. In some ways, he doesn’t want it to end. They spend a few more hours at the aquarium taking time to see all the wonderful creatures, before heading back to the precinct, just in time for lunch.

When they get there, they find Chloe already back at her desk, so totally engrossed in her work that she doesn’t even hear them coming.

“Hey Chlo!” Ella greets her brightly as they stop beside her desk.

Chloe looks up suddenly, smiling as her eyes skitter over them both. “Hey, you two,” she says, before her gaze settles on Lucifer, and a frown creases her features. “Why do you have a shark?”

Lucifer opens his mouth but finds that he’s not really sure how to explain the oversized shark toy that he has tucked under his arm. “Well… I—”

“It’s a souvenir,” Ella quickly interjects. “We went to the aquarium.”

“Oh!” Chloe says, quickly blinking back her surprise and smiling once more. She rises from her seat, causing it to roll back a bit on the smooth linoleum flooring, and stretches her shoulders before rolling her neck. “Sounds more fun than my morning.”

Lucifer smiles, recalling the morning fondly. “It was.”

Chloe puts her hand on her neck, her fingers kneading the muscles there. “That’s great! I’m glad you had fun.”

Something seems… wrong. She seems tense somehow. “Everything alright, love?”

She looks taken aback by the question, but quickly nods. “Yeah! Everything’s fine. I’ve just been sitting down too long, you know?”

Ah. A grin spreads across his face. “Well, that can soon be remedied,” he purrs, placing the shark down on her desk atop a pile of folders and stepping towards her, positioning himself behind her. His hands settle on her shoulders, expertly massaging the tight muscles and working out the knots before she can make any kind of protest about it.

She melts into his touch and a groan slips from her lips.

“Uh…” Ella says, her mouth open but no words coming out. “I’m just gonna—” She gestures awkwardly towards her lab as she slowly backs away from them.

“No!” Chloe says suddenly, coming back to herself and pulling away from him slightly. “Sorry, Ella,” she says before turning to face him. Her cheeks are flush red making her look a little bit embarrassed. “I appreciate the gesture, but not here, okay?”

She reaches up, placing her palm against his cheek, her fingers stroking his face with small soothing motions. “Maybe later?” she says with a soft little smile.

He nods wordlessly against her hand.

“Anywaaay,” she draws out the word, dropping her hand from his cheek to grab his and give it a squeeze instead, “I’m starving. You guys had lunch?” She glances at Ella, who shakes her head in answer. “You wanna try that new pizza place around the corner? You’re welcome to join us, Ella.”

Ella shifts on the spot. “That’s okay, you guys go ahead.” She smiles, but something about it looks a little bit sad. “I don’t want to intrude or anything. Total third wheel over here.”

“We don’t mind!” Chloe says before giving his hand another squeeze. “Do we, Lu?”

He scoffs. “Of course not!” He half-shrugs before adding, “Besides, I’ve come to realise that having a third wheel isn’t a bad thing. Stability and all that.” Chloe gives him a curious look. “Tricycles exist for a reason, you know.”

“Oh yeah?” Chloe says with a smirk, playfully nudging his elbow with hers. “Have you even ever used a tricycle?”

Raising an eyebrow, he replies, his voice dropping half an octave into what is almost a sultry purr, “Oh you’d be surprised at some of the things I’ve done with tricycles, Detective.”

Chloe blinks slowly, shaking her head. “I actually don’t doubt it.”

Ella laughs at the exchange, beaming smile in full effect. “You two…” she says quietly, almost to herself, “totally adorable.”

Chloe clears her throat. “Anyway… lunch?”

“If you guys really don’t mind me tagging along, sure!”

“Of course we don’t,” Chloe replies, retrieving her bag from beside her chair, before taking his hand once more and gently pulling him away.

He makes to grab the shark as he goes, but Chloe just frowns at him. “Leave the shark, Lucifer.”

“But what if it gets nicked?” he replies quickly, feeling quite panicky at the thought of losing it, for some unfathomable reason.

Chloe glances around before looking back to him. “From the middle of the precinct?”

He tilts his head to one side, but still finds himself unable to put the shark down. “Fair point.”

“It’ll be fine here,” she says reassuringly, her thumb stroking over the back of his hand as she takes a step closer to him.

He grumbles a little but concedes. “Alright.” Pulling his hand away from hers, he drags her desk chair forward and sits the shark in it, positioning it so that its fins rest on the desktop.

Stepping back, he admires the setup for a second, before turning to Chloe, who looks positively bemused. She looks at the shark that resides at her desk for a long moment, before grabbing his hand once more. “Come on, shark boy,” she says fondly as she tugs him away.

-

Surprisingly, Chloe’s day had ended up being better than she ever thought it possibly could have. This morning things just seemed so… uncertain, and although that is what being with Lucifer is like, she’ll probably never get used to it.

She knows that he can’t help it, but seeing him so down is worrying for everyone. He seems to swing in and out of these moods so suddenly, but there’s always a lingering fear in the back of her mind that this time he won’t be able to pull himself out of it.

After spending some time with Ella today though, he seems brighter. And lunch had been really great. It felt so… easy. Almost like things used to feel before. And for the rest of the day after that, she felt more at ease than she had done in a while.

And now when she hops down the stairs after a quick post work freshen up to find Lucifer standing at the kitchen counter, slicing and dicing vegetables as he hums away to himself, she can’t help but smile. He doesn’t stop when she approaches him, or when she circles him, hugging him from behind. Her hand snakes its way around him as she rests her chin on his shoulder and just revels in the soft sounds that spill from his lips.

He chops for a few minutes longer, expertly dissecting a peeled carrot into razor thin sections before setting the knife down on the chopping board. His hands settle on her then, his fingers softly gripping her wrists as his thumbs caress little patterns across her skin.

“Hello,” he says, a gentle little word that she feels rumble through his chest and into hers as she presses herself against him.

She squeezes him lightly, wishing that she could be closer to him somehow, despite their bodies already being pressed as close together as is physically possible. “Hi,” she replies, unable to keep the smile off her face. “Watcha making?”

He sighs a little as he turns in her embrace to face her. “I’m not quite sure yet.” A curious look crosses his face as he tilts his head to one side, a gesture that always reminds her of a confused little puppy. “Something with veg, obviously.” He frowns a little as he glances over his shoulder to the pile of sliced carrots. “Ratatouille, perhaps?”

She hums, already feeling her stomach grumble in anticipation of his cooking. It’s so much better than hers. “That sounds great.” She almost moans the words, sinking forward to settle her chin on his shoulder once more, feeling his strong arms encompass her in his warmth.

For a long moment they just stand there, content in each other’s embrace. That is until Lucifer shuffles, pulling himself away slightly but not enough to break the hug.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. She can’t see his face, but she can hear the sadness in his voice.

She pulls away quickly to look at him, but still has her hands on his biceps, holding him there. “What for?” she asks, frowning.

He fidgets on the spot, his mouth opens, but for a beat he just looks into her eyes, wordlessly. Averting his dark gaze, he finally manages to say something, though the words that come sound strained, like he’s struggling to get through them. “These past few days”— he frowns a little, shaking his head before continuing— “weeks even, I realise I’ve not been entirely truthful with you.”

Her frown deepens. Her mouth forms a little “o” but no words come out. She just lets him continue at his own pace.

“I’ve been feeling a bit…” he trails off, fidgeting with his fingers as his eyes look anywhere but at her, “down, I suppose you could say, and I—” He breaks off, pulling away from her even more and scrubbing a hand over his face.

It’s clear he’s struggling with what he wants to say, and she knows how hard it is for him to talk about how he’s feeling, so she just gives him a reassuring squeeze, bringing one hand up to hold his cheek and gently guide his gaze back to her. She smiles softly at him, already so proud that he’s started this conversation with her. That he’s opening up to her, even though he finds it so difficult.

He seems to relax a little more then; the fidgeting doesn’t cease, but he seems more focused on her now. “I was scared that if I told you how I was feeling, you might—” He squeezes his eyes closed briefly, his Adam’s apple bobbing down the smooth line of his throat before he opens them once more. “I thought you might get sick of me.”

His gaze falls to the floor then, and she feels her heart squeeze painfully. “Lucifer,” she says firmly, but softly, “you can tell me anything.” She takes his face in her hand once more, guiding him to look at her. His dark brown eyes are watery and glistening in the light. “I love you so much, and I’m not going to get sick of you. I promise.”

“I know,” he says hoarsely, his mouth twisting into something so sad it breaks her heart even more, “it’s just hard.”

Unable to stop herself or the tears welling in her own eyes, she pulls him into her, holding him close. He buries his head in the crook of her neck as she pulls her fingers through his dark hair. “I know,” she whispers softly, “and I’m here for you, always.”

She feels him nod against her and holds him even tighter. For a long time, they just stand there. She presses kisses into his hair, continuing to stroke soothing patterns against his scalp.

When he finally looks up at her, he looks tired. His eyes slightly red-rimmed and dark circles beneath them. “Thank you,” he croaks.

“I love you, Lucifer, all of you. That’s not going to change.” She presses her hand to the space above his heart. “If you need to talk, you talk to me, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

He nods. His now messy hair flops down onto his forehead.

Leaning in, she presses a gentle kiss to his lips, dragging her fingers across his stubble.

“Now why don’t you go and lie down on the couch for a bit? I’ll finish up dinner.”

He looks up quickly, his hand gesturing to the carrots and his mouth already opening to protest, but she stops him before he can. “But I—”

“You’ve had a busy day,” she says, trying to sound convincing. “Go on.” She nudges him away slightly, but he still doesn’t seem to be agreeable. “I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

He stands there for a minute longer, looking as though he might argue the point with her, but then finally he concedes. “Alright,” he says before making his way towards the couch, joining the stuffed shark that he’d gotten from the aquarium.

About an hour later, when the ratatouille is bubbling away happily on the stove, Chloe meanders her way into the living room to check on him.

He’s snuggled into his weighted blanket, which he’s wrapped himself in up to his mouth. Only his nose, eyes, and unruly hair can be seen poking out from the top of it. His eyes are closed, and his face is relaxed. He looks peaceful.

One hand clutches the blanket tightly and the other… well, she can’t help but smile when she sees that in his other arm, he holds the stuffed shark tightly against himself. The toothy smile and shiny eyes of the thing stare at her from the grasp of the Devil.

He’s such a softie, and she really, really loves him for that.

Grabbing her phone, she snaps a quick picture of him, and sends it straight to Ella with the caption, “Thank you, Ella.”