Chapter Text
Meredith remembered the erratic beeping of monitors, the frantic shouting between surgeons, and the eerie silence that followed after the flat-lining tone was brought to a halt. She could remember the shock in his eyes as he looked at her from across the operating table, unable to move, unable to breathe. She remembered how white his already pale skin turned. It looked as though all of his blood had been drained from his body in an instant from the sheer fear and pain that began to take over his body.
It was a simple Lap Chole. Nothing should have gone wrong. A nine-year-old boy with gallstones would now never see his tenth birthday.
He had nicked a major artery. A rare complication, but one that proved to be fatal in many of its occurrences. She ran in after a 9-1-1 page and tried like hell to help him control the bleeding, both of them arguing out of fear as the numbers became chaotic on the monitors. Neither can recall what was said, but the panic masked any hard feelings they could have had towards one another in the moment.
She recalled the pain in Cormac’s voice as they both faced the little boy’s parents in a special waiting area, behind all of the tape and plastic lining so much of the hospital. He could barely shake out the words as he explained what happened to their son.
She found him crumpled on the floor of a storage closet after half an hour of searching for him when he’d fled the scene. She remembered holding him as he cried against her on the floor. She knew nothing would take away this pain.
Only a handful of days passed before he was served. Less than 24 hours later, they were both called in to prepare for meetings with legal.
Today was the day.
“You need to eat something. It’s going to be a long day and you need your energy,” Meredith suggested softly as she sat on the end of the hotel room bed in a professional black dress. Sliding her black heels on, she could feel the tension in the room as the silence became deafening. She watched Cormac intently as his fingers worked to button up his shirt through his reflection in the mirror.
He stood silently, finishing the buttons and reaching for his tie, tossing it around his neck. Cormac shook his head, sighing as he fidgeted with the navy blue material and became frustrated with it. He threw his hands down onto the edge of the dresser in front of him, huffing in frustration. “Can’t eat, can’t sleep,” he grumbled. “Can’t think straight.”
She stood up, walking over to him and reaching up for his tie that dangled from his shoulders, pulling it under the collar of his white button-down and tying it for him. She could feel how nervous he was, seeing the sadness in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. “I know, I know,” she whispered, looking him over as she neatly laid the tie flat on his chest, “I’m just worried about you.”
He turned his head away, trying to hide the tears that were forming in his eyes. He knew she could see them. He knew she could feel how much pain he was in. He knew she would try everything in her power to take that pain away, even though none of it was her problem at all. It made him feel sick to his stomach that she had to listen to him cry every night, holding him close and trying to soothe the pain away until they’d finally fall asleep. They both had enough going on through the pandemic and she didn’t need to have to deal with his problems, too.
“I killed that little boy.” His voice sounded so blunt, filled with so much pain.
She shook her head, “It was a mistake. It was out of your control. You know that as well as I do. You know you did all you could to save him. I was right there.” She could feel how broken he was over this.
“I have to sit across from his parents and their lawyer and all I can think of saying is ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. I have nothing else I can say. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to do this.” Tears ran down his cheeks as he felt her comfort him with her hands on his arms. “This has never happened before. I’ve never done this,” his voice was shattered. “I’ll never be able to come back from this.”
Meredith led him over to the bed, sitting down and forcing him to sit down beside her. She caressed his cheek, wiping the tears away from his skin as she felt tears appear in her own. “I watched Derek go through this. A pregnant woman died because he lost control after one small mistake. The baby was able to be saved, but the husband was distraught. All Derek could say was ‘I’m sorry’ on repeat. There was nothing else he could say to the husband that could have fixed it. It was horrible, it almost ruined us, but he came back to the OR and saved my friend’s life. He saved the mother of Karev’s children,” she sighed, looking him in the eye, “Derek saved her life. He was able to come back and work a miracle. I know you will too. You just have to go in there, get through this, and get past it.”
Cormac saw the sincerity in her eyes, nodding softly and sighing. He’d lost plenty of patients and it never got any easier, but he’d never been responsible for the death of a child. He’d never made one fatal error that took the life of a kid. “Thank you for standing by me,” he said softly.
“Any time,” she responded, running her hand just under his ear and caressing the side of his head. “I was there. We both know how these things can happen. It’s unbelievably sad, but it happened. We’ll go say what happened, legal will take care of it, and you’ll get past this. You’re more than just a peds surgeon right now. You’re working to save everyone through all this. This one thing won’t define you for even a moment.”
He looked at her, listening to every word she said. “We’re watching people die every day. I finally get back into an OR and this happens. I just...,” his chest tightened as he sighed, “You’re right… you’re right.”
The painful hours of legal discussion took all of his energy as he sat masked at a large wooden table setup in a makeshift conference room in one of the spacious lecture rooms of the hospital. Cormac spent much of his time explaining step-by-step how a simple surgery took the life of a child. The rest was spent staring at the polished grain in the wood of the table, counting lines as he tried to block out the repetition of the lawyers talking to the parents.
He was in the room when Meredith was brought in to explain what happened when she entered the OR. He listened as she defended him as a fellow surgeon, not just a friend, or whatever they were. Only they knew those details, though.
It never got easier to hear of his mistake. It never got easier to hear his own thoughts spiraling in his head as the discussion continued around him.
The settlement would be handled through his lawyer and the hospital. He knew no dollar amount would bring back the child that was taken far too soon. He was grateful to have been let off the hook legally, but emotionally he knew he’d need time to overcome this. However, with a pandemic taking over the world around him, he couldn’t sit back for even a moment.
“Thank you for today,” he said quietly as they laid in bed under the pile of warm covers that night.
Meredith turned her head to look up from where it rested on his bare chest, curling closer to him and glancing up at his face. She gave a soft smile, running her finger softly across his chest before relaxing, “You don’t have to thank me for telling the truth.”