Chapter Text
Sam Winchester's pain was nothing like he had ever experienced before. Filled with all things Winchester. Regret. Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Anger. But full of Sam in a way that took Castiel by surprise.
He was used to seeing past him and not looking. But now there was so much Sam, Castiel was so Full of him, his fears, his horrors, his pain. He'd never felt so much humanity if he had been himself human.
Sam Winchester was a force to be reckoned with.
When Castiel took Sam's hell, he took it with all that it entailed.
He met himself differently through Sam's eyes.
He looked and saw himself for the first time, him and him alone. There was a Sam-ness to Castiel, in this place. But that did not take away the reality.
Castiel met himself in a way he'd never thought himself as. Kinder. In these visions, Castiel showed struggling. But still, good.
Sam understood. Finally, someone understood. And he understood Sam.
In those months of feeling mental, of feeling every inch of torture, every touch of kindness ripped away and made again, Cas saw an equal as he'd never seen one before.
No brother of his could compare to this. No mission; no lovely demon. And with the thought pulling at his heartstrings, Castiel saw too, that Dean could’ve never seen him. No matter how much he would have liked that.
For the first time, he saw something primal living inside him. And once he got better and got reunited with the men, everything was clearer.
Dean called him crazy. Sam just smiled at him. And he smiled back.
Castiel knew now, even in that delirious state, that to Sam, he would always smile back.
A new ache was born in him. And it was deeper than the sensation of freedom. Before, Castiel had seen, eye wide open and clear for the first time.
Now, he understood, he was being seen back.
He decided then that he would stop running away. From them. from Dean and from himself.
Staying, doing what he thought was right, loving these flawed men, was more important to him.
So he did.
Again and again, he messed up. But his love for humanity had grown. Sam Winchester had shown him. Nothing was worth losing him. And so he was going to make his best to let him know he was worth fighting for too.
A broken man, looking for love. A love Dean was too selfish to give, even to Sam. A love he was so hungry for. After feeling his pain, Castiel felt the insane crave to help. To cure the throb; even if he knew, he knew that his touch was not the one Sam Winchester needed.
Against all his better judgment. All the old parts of him that advised for practicality, Cas gave in. To a human. He gave in even if this human wasn't exactly what he had been wanting all along.
Both, seraphim and hunter; angel and boyking; man and man; gave in into each other. Hoping to quench something they thought unrepairable.
Waves crushed. Doubts scattered. Yes’ that tinged with "?". But it felt right, somehow. He felt good. Sam was a man that took him as his equal and that feeling was everything he never knew he craved.
There was something missing. But Dean wasn't here to interrupt. so he wouldn't let him. Sam was another case.
Castiel should have learned by now. The Winchester brothers were a unity. And together they lived. For each other. To each other. No matter the hurt, nothing would compare as the pain of being apart. Not ever- That wasn't even a thought they had. And Castiel knew it deep down. He just wasn't ready to be blind again.
There had been something he'd never grasped about humanity before. The unnecessary pain. The heartbreak. Why would they put themselves in those situations? Why be hurt by your own hand?
Now he recognized it in him.
A weight fell, away and onto him; the certainty piercing through.
Giving himself the last privilege of guilt, Castiel looked at him.
And let go.