Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There’s silence. Remus is sure he can hear Sirius’ heart thudding in his chest.

“What?” Sirius asks. “What does that have to do with-”

“I think it has everything to do with it,” Remus replies.

“I..but I said-”

“You said you wanted to talk,” Remus says.

Sirius meets his gaze. “You know what I meant.”

“Mate if he doesn’t want to talk about it-,” James starts to say. 

“No, no he will talk about it because he didn’t ask me what I wanted before he did what he did,” Remus says, getting angrier by the moment. “He didn’t ask how it affected me, so why should I care what he wants to talk about right now?”

Sirius swallows and looks around nervously as if searching for an escape route. It was his idea to talk but Remus knows Sirius has come downstairs with a plan. He wants to have a controlled conversation which would lead to their friendship being mended. Wrapped up in a nice little bow but Remus can’t allow that. He wants to have the terrible, ugly conversation. The one that leaves everything out on the table.

Remus clears his throat. “Well?”

Sirius is gathering himself, James and Remus know this. 

“Why do you want to talk about this ?” Sirius asks. “Why not the other thing...the obvious thing?”

“This is the root Sirius,” Remus replies. “I realized it the other day.”

James and Sirius are giving him an odd look so he continues. “First-year...the sorting incident I mean you remember that right?”

Sirius squirms in his seat. “Yes, I remember.”

“Your parents have been treating you terribly since our first year at Hogwarts and you’ve always acted as if it doesn’t affect you but it does,” Remus explains. “That anger, that hurt, and that sadness you’re always pushing down has started to come out in other ways.”

Sirius runs a hand through his hair and stands up. “Forget I said anything about talking,” he says. “We don’t have to do this.”

Remus stands up too. “Sirius, you wanted to talk and now here we are.”

James is halfway out of his seat looking ready to jump in at any moment.

“We have this conversation right now or we don’t talk at all,” Remus says. 

The silence comes back but this time it’s suffocating. 

“Avoiding you all was so much easier,” Sirius mumbles. 

He’s looking too pale again but whether that’s from exhaustion or the weight of this conversation Remus can’t be sure. 

Sirius’s hands are shaking and without saying a word he takes a pencil that is sitting out on the kitchen table and quickly transfigures it into a cigarette. He then transfigures a pepper shaker into a lighter.

“Woah, Woah you cannot smoke in the house,” James says. “My mum will kill me.”

“I’m not talking to either one of you right now without a cigarette.”

Remus rolls his eyes.

“Fine, fine then let’s head to my room and you can smoke out the window,” James replies. “If I get in trouble because of you I fucking swear.”

They walk upstairs and quickly settle in James' room. Sirius sits on the window ledge and lights up looking more content than he has in days. He never can just sit still.

“So fourth year, what happened?” Remus asks.

“Oh, you’re not doing a recap of my parent's cruelty throughout the years anymore?”

“Sirius,” James says. The aforementioned takes another drag of his cigarette.

“Fine,” Sirius replies. “I got into an argument with my parents and pushed things too far.”

“When you came to school your wound was terribly stitched and infected,” James says. “I think Remus is looking for more details than that.”

Sirius tenses up. “What is this, an interrogation?”

“In fourth year once you agreed to go to the hospital wing you said to us we would never speak of the incident again and for some stupid reason we all listened,” Remus replies. “Then the next year comes around and you plot to have your best friend kill a student so excuse me for trying to figure out why and how things escalated.”

“I didn’t plot anything,” Sirius replies. “I saw a solution to a very persistent problem.”

“That problem is a person, Sirius, and the solution was turning me into a murderer.” Remus takes a breath. “Can you really not see that?”

“Snivellus deserved what was coming his way,” Sirius says. “He was stalking you - trying to find out information to expose you.”

Remus and James share a look. 

“I made that decision to protect you!” Sirius says looking slightly distressed. His cigarette has gone out and it’s clear he’s itching for another one. “Why can’t you see that?”

There’s a beat of silence and Sirius gets up and walks to James’ desk. After opening up a few drawers he seems to find what he is looking for and sits back on the window ledge.

“Do you stow cigarettes around my bedroom?” James asks. He receives no answer.

Remus takes a moment to think and realizes that he is going to have to keep pushing in order to talk about what he truly wants to. “Do you really think Snape being a Slytherin had no influence on what you did?”

Sirius looks at him confused. “I don’t care that he’s a Slytherin,” he replies. “I care that he was making you miserable. You were saying for weeks that you felt scared and paranoid with him lurking around.” 

“In second year you said to me you wouldn’t tell anyone my secret,” Remus says. “You made me believe that.”

Sirius looks away from him.

“Then three years later you turn around and make sure the one person who would love to see any one of us expelled,” Remus says. “You make sure he finds out.”

“I wasn’t thinking about it like that,” Sirius replies. “I didn’t-“

“You didn’t think he would make it out of the shack alive Sirius.” Remus keeps his gaze on his friend who is making sure not to look at him or James. “You thought no one would ever find out my secret because you expected me to kill him.”

“If I hadn’t stopped him, Snape’s blood would be on your hands,” James says. “And what the ministry would have done to Remus that would have been on your hands too.”

“Now, the student who hates me most in the school knows what I am,” Remus says. “How can I ever truly feel safe again?”

Sirius is rolling his cigarette in between his fingers. Remus can’t see his face that is now completely shrouded in shadows. While they were talking Sirius had been moving slightly away from them. He is folding in again, protecting himself and Remus is sure Sirius isn’t aware he’s doing it.

“Your anger at your parents, at the Slytherins, at your family,” Remus explains. “It has been driving your decision-making since we stepped into Hogwarts at 11 years old.”

“Snape isn’t my family but I’ve despised him since year one because he thinks he’s superior,” Sirius says. “Not even of pure blood descent yet he treats the rest of us like filth on the bottom of his shoe.”

Remus bites his lip. Sirius isn’t seeing or is deliberately ignoring how his feelings about his family tie into how he feels about Snape. Time to go back to the original question.

“What happened in fourth year?”

Sirius turns towards them and there’s a darkness in his eyes that’s nearly unrecognizable. 

"What the fuck are you on about?” Sirius asks. 

Remus swallows nervously and a memory resurfaces. “When I first got out of the hospital wing I went straight to the Great Hall expecting to see you all and well you weren’t there but I remember now that Lily said something strange.”

James perks up. “Lily?”

“She was talking to Mary about you Sirius and she said she saw you in the common room,” Remus stops, expecting to get some sort of response. “She said you were coming back from somewhere,” Remus continues. “Where were you coming back from?”

Sirius looks a bit guilty and James is looking angry. 

“You left our room?” James asks. “I specifically told you to stay put.”

“Wasn’t a dog just yet,” Sirius replies. “Sit and stay isn’t something that works on humans.”

James rolls his eyes. “Where did you go?”

Sirius gets an odd look on his face. “Just went to talk to Regulus.”

“Bullshit,” James says. “You never speak to Regulus on school grounds.”

“Never is a bit strong,” Sirius says. “Besides he just needed to see me.”

A sickening feeling uncurls itself in Remus’ gut. He just needed to see me. 

“Is Regulus the one who stitched you up?” Remus asks.

Sirius sees the look on Remus’ face and tenses up. “He’s no healer but he got the job done.”

“Did Regulus watch what happened to you?” Remus asks. “I couldn’t imagine-”

“No,” Sirius cuts him off. “He came to my room and helped me after.”

Remus swallows past the lump in his throat. “Does he have to do that often?”

Something shifts in Sirius’ expression. “No.”

Remus pushes past the lie. “You had bruises last year and not all of them were new.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Maybe I bruise easily,” he says. “It wasn’t uncommon to get tossed around a bit during quidditch practice last year.”

“We all know those bruises were not from quidditch,” James says. He moves a bit closer to Sirius. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Tell you what?” Sirius asks. Remus thinks he’s playing dumb Sirius actually looks confused.

“That your parents hurt you,” James replies. 

There’s a stretch of silence. The question is loaded. Remus knows this. On one hand, Sirius had told them or had shown them his parent's cruelty year after year. Although he had never told them about any physical abuse until last year they should have expected it. Should have assumed things were even worse than he let on. On the other hand, the question was about trust. Something that has always been difficult for Padfoot.

“You both know how my parents are,” Sirius says. “Do I have to tell you every little thing they do?”

Remus and James share a look. “Sirius this is abuse and people should be aware it’s happening.”

Sirius scoffs. “Abuse I don’t...that sounds a bit much.” Sirius lights another cigarette probably to settle the shaking in his hands. “My parents can be a bit archaic in their punishments I’ll admit but there’s no need to blow it out of proportion.”

“No one is blowing anything out of proportion,” Remus replies. “You're at the Potter’s house right now because your parents used the Cruciatus Curse on you. Something we should’ve seen coming, something we might have been able to if you told us how bad things have been.”

“What is this incessant need for you to know everything that happens to me?” Sirius asks.

James looks hurt. “We want to know these things so we can be there for you,” the glasses-clad boy replies. “I’d like you to trust us enough to tell us.”

Sirius looks uncomfortable and it’s in moments like these that Remus is reminded that Sirius can’t wrap his head around the fact that people care about him and they can show that without it resulting in pain.

“I trust you both,” Sirius says. “I thought I’ve made that quite clear throughout the years.” He looks away from them. “But sometimes it’s better to keep certain things to myself.”

“Why?” James asks. Might have been the wrong question but he seems keen on getting an answer out of Sirius on this one. 

Sirius scoffs. “If I recall correctly last year you wanted to take photos of my injury and then send them off to the authorities so I mean fuck...that’s one reason.”

James seems to deflate a bit and Sirius notices. “You want the truth mate,” Sirius says before turning toward him. “My parents haven’t been happy with the company I keep for quite some time but it’s become a larger problem now seeing as the Dark Lord is gaining power.” 

“They hurt you because of us?” James asks. He looks ready to head to Grimmauld Place himself.

“Amongst other things,” Sirius replies. “Then I got a bit mouthy, couldn’t move because my mother used Petrificus Totalus, and my father decided to inflict punishment the muggle way for once, punishment for me having friends that are muggle-borns.” Sirius shrugs, “he used his favorite cane and well you saw my back I suppose I don’t need to go into any further detail.”

“Sirius, you need to get out of your house,” James says. “Last year it’s a back injury and this year it’s an Unforgivable, there’s only one way this ends.”

Sirius laughs, a real one. “Oh, you’re not implying they’ll kill me.” Sirius looks between them as if waiting for someone to admit they’re setting up a joke. “They wouldn’t do that.”

Remus has to admit this backward loyalty Sirius has to his family would be something to marvel at if it wasn’t partially terrifying.

“You don’t know what they would do,” Remus says. “I mean your family is full of surprises.” 

Sirius turns towards him. “Oh yes thank you for equating me to my parents,” Sirius says. “I suppose you’re saying the spontaneity of my prank is the same as my parent's spontaneous decision to use an Unforgivable on me.”

Remus sighs. “Sirius I was not saying that.”

“No, it’s fine. Us Blacks are in a league of our own when it comes to keeping everyone on their toes.” Sirius leans back against the windowsill looking more exhausted than he did earlier which is saying something.

“Sirius,” James says and it does the trick.

“I’ve got two years and then it’s over,” Sirius says. “Keep their attention off Reg for now then teach him the best ways to stay out of sight during school breaks.”

“What happens if you get hurt again between now and seventh year?” Remus asks. “At least at the Potter’s you know you’ll be safe. That they’ll take care of you.”

Sirius looks up as if he could find an answer on the ceiling. “Why do you care about my safety anyway?” Sirius asks before standing up. “Why are we having this roundabout conversation, are we even going to be friends after this?”

“Sirius-” James starts to say but he’s quickly cut off.

“What do you want from me?” Sirius asks. “Is this punishment Remus?” 

The young werewolf sits up a bit straighter.

“No this is not punishment,” Remus replies. “I’m just trying to get to the root, to the truth because I have to know nothing like the prank will happen again.”

“Sure it’s not a bit of both?” Sirius asks before standing up. “Maybe you’re getting to the truth and pushing all of the buttons I wouldn’t have allowed you to in the past. A win-win as muggles  say.”

“I’m not dignifying that question with an answer,” Remus says. “Now sit down and stop trying to deflect.”

”There’s nothing left to say,” Sirius takes a few wobbly steps before sitting back on the window ledge. “It’s not safe to leave Regulus and you two will never understand that.”

James looks ready to hit Sirius in the head and knock some sense into him. “It’s safer for Regulus to live there than you and I don’t care what you say.” Their glasses-clad friend steps closer until he’s right in front of Sirius. “After what my parents saw they’re honestly not going to let you leave so you might as well accept defeat.”

Sirius looks close to tears. “Clearly I’d like to stay here,” he says in a near whisper. “But I can't leave him."

”For once think about yourself and not your family,” Remus says.

Sirius looks up and something changes in his expression. "As you know I have a beautiful way of fucking up everything that's important to me..." his voice trails off.

Remus and James share a look. 

"Fucked up as the firstborn, fucked up my sorting at Hogwarts, and fucked up the trust between the best and only friends I've ever had."

"Sirius-" James starts to say but he's quickly cut off.

"No need to comfort me or extend pity." Sirius lights another cigarette. "I'm just stating facts."

"I think Regulus would quite like not seeing his brother get mistreated any time he stepped foot in the house," Remus says. "No fuck ups there."

"We're all we have," Sirius says before putting his head in his hands. "And yet I still want to stay here."

Remus and James have no comforting words to spare.

”Well...the two of you should get some rest,” Sirius says before looking as though he’s going to stand up. 

“Wait…Padfoot,” James says before placing a hand on his arm. “Just sleep in my room for the night alright?”

Sirius looks torn as if this small decision holds more weight than he can carry. 

"It's ok mate," James says as if speaking to a scared animal and Remus nods in agreement, making sure Sirius can see him. 

At that something seems to break and soon their friend who would rather face death than show a sign of vulnerability, is crying. James looks genuinely concerned and for a moment Remus is at a loss. Sirius hasn’t cried in front of him since that week in their first year. Even after that incident, his sadness began to evolve into quiet until it transformed into a rage always bubbling underneath the surface.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius says through tears. “I don't know what's wrong with me."

Remus moves closer so that Sirius knows he’s there. James squeezes both of their hands and somehow they have all become so close together they’re basically one.