Chapter Text
They were all reunited in the bullpen when Tony exclaimed :
- “Fuck, this is amazing. This is the best.” And started chuckling to himself.
While this wasn’t the weirdest thing they ever saw him do, Natasha raised an eyebrow.
- “What ?”
- “A virus got into the server and sent us everyone’s search history.” He had the audacity to giggle, and distributed the papers he had printed out once everyone was round up toward his desk.
- “What ?” Steve started to read, and felt himself blushing.
- “Dear Steven searched for “Dance tutorials” ! Well, got a wedding coming up ?” Tony wiggled his eyebrows, a smirk on his lips.
- “None of your business, Stark.” He growled. That just got him to chuckle again.
- “Listen to this, Clint searched for “how many fudges can you eat before dying”... Clint what the fuck ?” Darcy said, laughing.
- “That’s concerning..” Natasha mutured.
- “What ? It’s a good thing to know !” Clint said, shrugging.
- ”The worst is still Darcy… “Daniel Craigs’s hands + close ups ?” Really ?” Tony laughed once more, so at least Steve wasn’t the only victim.
- “Shut up, Tony. You searched “Cheapest dates options” so you can’t talk shit.” Darcy said, squinting at him.
- “And I wear that search like a badge of honor.” And only Tony Stark could.
Tony and Clint rolled in front of the now burned to the ground Sal’s. And Tony kind of hurted at the sight. He sighed, hands on hips, looking at the burnt building.
- “Can’t believe Sal’s gone… It was an institution ! The best pizza in the neighborhood.. “ It was almost a whine.
- “8th best, max.” Clint said, matter-of-factly, looking at the building too. But he sensed the glare Tony was burning into his face, and grimaced. “But it’s still a tragedy.” He turned his head, and frowned.
- “Heads up, Fire Marshals are here.”
Everyone knew of the rivalry between the Fire-Marshals and the Police Department. Or well, almost everyone. So of course, Tony’s first reaction to seeing Quill’s squad getting out of the car was to groan, loudly. Clint patted his back in a reassuring manner.
-”Arrf. Nooo. Not Quill.. Not that nimrod…” He said, in a hushed tone since Quill was coming closer to them.
- “Hey Stark.” Quill said, with a smile.
- “Hey, Quill.” Tony replied, almost spitting the word. “What are you doing here, you nimrod ?”
- “ Well, I don’t know ? Maybe because there’s been a fire, and I’m a fire-marshal ?” Quill scoffed. “What are
you
doing here ? Someone reported a missing donut ?” He laughed.
- “Well, actually, someone reported that a baboon was parading in a crime scene, but I guess it’s just you.You’re a fireman you should know how to treat that burn.” He said with a smile, and high-fived Clint without even looking. That’s why Clint was the best. (one of them at least)
-”Yeah well, jokes on you, Stark, because this is a fire, so it’s
my
jurisdiction and not yours, so maybe fuck off yeah ? Let New York’s Bravest handle it.”
- “You know they only call you that because “New York’s best at spraying water” was too long right ?” Tony replied, smiling despite boiling inside. Clint snorted at the response and yeah, that was why he was the best.
- “Yeah well every nickname can’t be as dandy as “New York’s finest”, which sounds like my mother talking about doilies so.. And easy on the response, because she’s dead, cancer, so tread lightly.” He added in a hurry.
- “Not fair.” Tony and Clint grumbled at the same time. He turned his head toward the building. “It could still be arson, so we wanted to check it out.”
- “Nah, you won’t be permitted onto my crime-scene. So. Once again, kindly fuck off.” Quill said, gesturing at them to leave, while walking backward.
- “Oh yeah ? Well you know what, you’re not invited to our next murder !” Tony replied, shouting, and getting weird looks from other firemen.
- “Good one.” Clint said, nodding.
- “No, it was not.” Tony groaned.
- “No. It wasn’t.” Clint said, shaking his head.
Tony threw his vest on his desk and groaned (again).
- “New plan. We light a bunch of fires, all over the city. They’re too busy to put those out, we walk right into Sal’s.”
- “Okay, so, don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s not worth it.” Clint said. “I mean, why do you want to aggravate the turf-war between us and them ?”
- “Oooh, aggravate. Big word there, Barton, real proud of y’a.” Tony answered, sitting down, or more letting himself fall on his chair. When Barton didn’t rise to the bait - disappointing - he finally replied. “Because we have to have this case. Sal’s the best pizza in the neighborhood !”
- “I’m to say, Tony, but no. Once again, it’s only 8th best. I keep a list, a ranking if you will and I’m pretty much a pro in these matters.”
Of course Barton would know everything about pizza, him and his weird dog Lucky who would eat as much pizza as he could.
- “Listen I don’t care about your ranking, Barton, Sal’s need a real investigation. All Fire-Marshals are doofuses, but Quill is king Doofus of Doofus Land, we can’t let him handle this ! I once watched him throw a cigarette into a puddle of gasoline to prove that it was ! And he’s their leader !” Tony said, throwing his hands up in the air. It was a real outrage to let that dumbass Peter Quill anywhere near a case.
Even Clint had to agree, nodding along. Quill was a real case of dumbass, and they all tried to avoid him to maximum capacity. But sometimes, luck was not on their side. Tony was about to launch into more stupids ideas to get onto the crime scene, when two firemen from Quill’s squad arrived. Groot and Rocket were probably nice enough guys, but as they were firemen, they were only met with glares from anyone from the precinct.
- “What do you want ?” Clint asked, crossing his arms.
- “Quill reconsidered. He wants help with the case. Here, have the file.” They handed Tony a file.
- “Oh.” Well, maybe Tony had been wrong. Maybe Quill had some neurons left in his mostly empty head. “Oka-” He stopped himself when he discovered that the only thing inside was a squished donut.
- “It’s a donut.” Groot said, with a big smile. “It’s ‘cause you’re cops.” Rocket snickered at his side.
- “Yeah, I get it.” Tony growled, and watched them leave. “I don’t care if it’s not our jurisdiction, we’re solving this !” He turned his head to see Clint with his mouth half stuffed with the donut. “Clint..” He could only roll his eyes and move on.
They started by interviewing the direct competition of Sal’s. Nothing really panned out, one guy was at his dad’s funeral, one at a prison doing a speech on paroles, one out of the state. They really needed to get to the crime scene to get a better look at what was going on.
Which kind of explained the following events. Or maybe not really.
They had decided to sneak in the burnt pizzeria, using Clint as a decoy while Tony would sneak inside. And it had worked, too. Until Quill discovered him. Until Quill
punched him
in the stomach.
A second later, all was chaos. It was a full on firemen against policemen fight, while Quill and Tony rolled around, screaming insults and punching away.
When Fury arrived at the firemen station, he was livid.
- “I apologize, Marshal Quill, for Detective Stark’s action. Something I seemed to do too often.” Fury glared at him, but Tony kept his chin up eyes, glaring in return at Quill. Stupid Quill.
- “In my defense, I was the only one saying we should stop hitting.” He grumbled. He had been saying that. Followed by “kicking them will hurt more”, but Fury didn’t need to know that. He made a smile-grimace at Fury, crossing his arms.
- “Okay, I’m a reasonable man, so I’ll only say this.” Quill started. “Fire Stark and Barton immediately ! Stark is a dangerous man, who overstepped his jurisdiction and is obsessed with that pizza place !”
- “I’m not obsessed ! But you’re bungling the case because you’re an idiot ! They should write a song called “Welcome to the bungle” in your honor !” He punctuated with a high-five once again without a look with Barton. “Seriously, why are you dragging Sal’s so much ? That place is special !”
- “Why is it special ?” Asked Fury. “According to Barton, it’s only the 8th best in Brooklyn.
- “The Captain listens to my rankings !” Clint replied, a full on grin on his face.
- This isn’t about pizza. What is it really about ?” Fury was looking at him, ignoring Clint.
- “Fine.” Tony sighed. “When I was little, my butler-”
- “You had a butler ?”
- “Shut up Quill !” He glared at the guy. “When I was little, my butler was taking care of me because my parents were always either busy or didn’t care. When he died, I stopped going, and that was one of the worst, because it was special between him and me.” He looked at the floor, trying to avoid feeling ashamed of having feelings. Especially in front of Quill. That was just nasty.
-”That was.. Not what I was expecting.” Fury said, confused. But they were all even more confused when a sob broke the silence. Looking up, Tony blinked at the sight of Quill, crying.
- “It’s a sad story okay !” He sniffed. “Okay listen. You’re a cop. I’m a firefighter but.. Underneath all of that, we’re just… We’re just two boys, whose father abandoned in a way..” He started full on sobbing, and Tony didn’t know what to do. “We’re gonna solve this case together, you and me okay ?”
- “Uh.. Okay.”
- “Okay.” Quill nodded. “But first, let’s hug like men !” He said, and grabbed Tony, starting to sob on his shoulder. Tony looked at Fury, and Clint, desperate. Neither helped, but Clint did take a picture, the bastard.
- “Okay, so this is everything we have on file..” Quill gave them, and Tony immediately started going through the pictures. He frowned.
- “Can you think of any reasons why your mens would force open this cabinet ?” He showed the picture. Quill shook his head.
- “None.”
Tony looked at the picture some more, thinking, replying everything he knew so far in his head. And suddenly, everything came together.
- “I know who did it ! Let’s go.” He gestured toward Quill and Clint.
- “Wait !” Quill stopped them. “I can’t believe I’m offering this to a cop but.. While we’re here.. D’you want to take the poll down ?”
- “Oh my god. Fuck yes !” Tony grinned.
5 minutes later, Clint and him both had pictures they would never share, and were on their way to arrest the culprit.
Tony had to admit, he had Clint to thank for this, since it was mostly him and his “special insight”. Because Clint knew everything about these pizzas - slightly a weirdo - he had mentioned to Tony how Gino’s pizza was suddenly vastly improved. And when Tony saw that cabinet, he guessed what was inside. Sal’s secret sauce recipe. That was why Gino’s pizzas were suddenly better. And that’s why he explained to the man himself.
- “You were not doing a speech on paroles that night. Oh no, you were at Sal’s, stealing the recipe and burning the place down to erase evidence... “ He was smiling. “So I guess there’s only one thing to say…”
- “Gino Bianucci, you’re under arrest-” Both Quill and Tony had started saying the phrase, and both stopped when they realised. Tony frowned.
- “Do you mind ?”
- “No, no, do you.. It’s my case !”
- “But I solved it !”
- “But I let you work with me..”
- “I did all the work !”
- “You know what ? Fine. Fine go ahea- Gino Bianucci you’re under arrest for arson !” He turned, triumphant toward Tony. “Yes ! First !”
- “Real mature…” Tony grumbled. “Very mature..” He said, looking at Clint putting the handcuffs on the guy while looking at him.
- “Stark.” Fury said, marching toward his office. “Fire Marshal Quill just called. He told me to tell you to look into your drawer.”
Tony frowned and did. It was full of shaving cream, with a note that he held up to Fury.
- “Look at that. I’ve been “Quilled”.” He rolled his eyes.
- “So, we’re again at war with the fire department.” Fury sighed. “You’re not to retaliate.”
- “Wouldn’t dream of it, Sir.” Tony replied, all smile while Fury got back to his office. “It’s already done anyway..” He snickered under his breath.
He and Clint had managed to put a kid’s pool under the poll and fill it with Sal’s sauce. He had the videos to prove it, and that was enough to calm his revenge thirsty heart.
He blinked when Steve came and leaned on the desk.
- “So, Stark. Heard you were getting pretty cozy with a man recently ?” He said, all smug.
- “What ?”
- “Even you, I thought you could have done better..” He shook his head.
- “What ?!”
Steve only laughed and got up. In a panic, Tony blinked when he heard the “Ping” on his phone. In the work groupchat, Clint had sent the picture of Quill sobbing on his shoulder.
- “BARTON !!!!”