Chapter Text
When the weight of the world crashing, pushing you closer to the edge. You find a way to get a little bit stronger, to fight off the demons.
Owen had let his conversation with Michelle stew with him all day.
He couldn’t believe that she had just shown up like that, out of the blue, no call, no text, nothing.
It had been nine months since he had last seen her and he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it all.
All he knew was that she was right and that he was being stupid.
So he had called the doctor and rescheduled his surgery, again.
But that hadn’t helped him feel any better in the long run, so that night after he had showered and all but collapsed into bed, he pulled his phone out and sent a text to the only person he felt like he could talk to right now.
Michelle.
Can I call?
He guessed that she would say ‘no’, it was getting late after all, but he was hopeful.
No.
He was right, she was still mad at him, not that he could blame her though.
If he was being honest, he was pretty mad at himself.
Please Michelle. It’s important.
But he wanted to tell her that he had listened to her.
And that she was right.
Because those were some of her favorite things to hear.
Fine.
So he closed out the text and hit the call button beside her name, holding his breath as he waited for her to pick up.
She did so after the third ring and he wondered if she considered ignoring him.
“I made the appointment.” He didn’t even let her get in a greeting because he needed to get it off his chest.
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Her question was completely warranted, but it still hurt a little to know that she didn’t trust him.
“I can give you my doctor’s number if you’d like…” He would gladly give her Dr. Jacobs’ number and have her call and double and triple check on him.
It wouldn’t be the first time he was sure.
“Owen…” But she wasn’t in the mood for games and he couldn’t say he blamed her.
“I promise Michelle, I made the appointment.” It felt good to get it out there, to say it out loud, because now that she knew, there was no going back.
“And?” There was more?
Since when was there more?
“And what?” He didn’t remember there being any other conditions to their conversation earlier.
“Are you gonna see someone?” He rolled his eyes at her question, oh that...
“What, like a therapist?” He really didn’t want to, not at all.
“Yes Owen, like a therapist.” It wasn’t necessary, was it?
“I don’t know.” He knew the others were right, just like Michelle, he needed help, but admitting that outloud, telling someone about all his issues, that was a lot more than he was ready to face.
“You need to.” Owen found himself nodding in agreement with her. “You need to talk to someone about this. About everything.”
“Can’t I just talk to you?” He would much prefer just telling her everything, besides, they already knew each other, that had to count for something. “You’re pretty. And you listen to me when I talk.”
“Are you drunk?” He wished.
“Not even close.” But he had listened to her words from earlier and had refrained from turning to his liquor cabinet to heal his wounds this time. “Just really trying to get out of going to therapy.”
“I can recommend someone.” Her voice was soft and low and he closed his eyes at the thought. “I think you’ll like him.”
“You see a therapist?” After what had happened before she left the 126 he wondered if she would ever take that step and get help like the department had insisted.
Like he had insisted.
God he was such a hypocrite wasn’t he?
“Yes Owen, I see a therapist.” She didn’t sound ashamed or embarrassed, rather, she sounded surprised that he didn’t seem to know this already.
“Like, see, see a therapist? Like, date one?” He couldn’t help but ask the question though because there it was, looming in the back of his mind, driving him crazy.
He had never stopped thinking about her, even after all this time apart.
“No Owen!” Now she was offended. “I… I really don’t need to explain myself to you right now.”
“Okay, okay. I get it. Sorry.” It wasn’t his intention to make her feel uncomfortable, but he couldn’t stop himself. “No time for jokes tonight.”
“Do you want his number?” She was offering up her assistance and he would be crazy not to take it.
“Yes.” Especially since saying ‘no’ to her would probably result in her never speaking to him again, and he couldn’t handle that.
“I’ll text it.” He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, a slight weight feeling like it had been lifted.
“Thank you.” He hoped she knew that he was serious about this now, and that he was eternally grateful for her help with it all.
“You’re welcome.” She sounded sincere-ish, but he would take it for now.
“Does this mean I can’t talk to you about my problems too?” But he would always want more because that’s just who he was.
“Call me back after you have the surgery and we’ll talk.” He let out a sigh, he didn’t want to wait that long.
“That’s not for another two weeks.” It seemed like it was a lifetime away too, especially knowing what was going to happen, what he was going to have to go through.
Sure it was a simple procedure, but that didn’t mean he wanted it done.
It also didn’t mean that it didn’t scare the hell out of him.
“Well you’ve gone nine months without me, I think you’ll be fine.” Way to just throw that hurtful truth back at him.
“Nine months without you is what made me go insane Michelle.” He closed his eyes as he let his head flop back against the pillow, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop himself.
If she hadn’t left, he never would have gotten back together with Gwyn.
He never would have had to deal with the arguing and the weirdness.
He never would have had to have dealt with the whole ‘becoming a father’ bullshit.
God he wished he could go back and convince her to stay.
“Flattery will get you nowhere at quarter to midnight Owen.” But she was right, he couldn’t flirt his way out of this one and he knew it.
“Not trying to flatter you. Just trying to be honest.” In reality, he just hoped that she knew that he had missed her, even if he didn’t know how to come out and say it.
“I didn’t go anywhere. Los Angeles isn’t that far away.” She was right, once again, and he felt like even more of an asshole than before. “And for the past thirty two weeks, and yes, I’ve done the math, I’ve been fifteen minutes down the street in the same place I was before. You’re the one who left Owen, and we both know it.”
“I guess I uh… got a little lost…” It was the truth and it hurt, but this was all his fault.
Pulling away from TK, shutting him out, shutting everyone out, it was his fault and he had no one to blame but himself.
“A little?” Even though he knew exactly where it started and when it begun and that, that was all because he let her walk out the door.
“Alright, I got a lot lost okay?” He could admit it to her and he didn’t know why, it’s not like everyone around him couldn’t see it.
“See, doesn’t that make you feel better? Getting stuff off your chest?” She was mocking him and he hated it.
But also, she was right.
“No, no actually it makes me feel sick.” He did feel a little nauseous though and she was the only one to blame for that. “Thanks for that.”
“It’s gonna get worse before it gets better Owen…” That was the cold hard truth if he had ever heard it.
In fact, he remembered saying those words to TK after his first overdose, and his second.
He knew that nothing worth having would come easy.
Which is why his screwed up behavior made no sense to him.
He knew better than this, so why was he being so damn selfish?
“I don’t like it when people say that.” Pot, kettle.
“Well then you’re really not going to like therapy.” He already knew that, but thanks to her, he wasn’t going to get out of it now.
“I thought your goal was to convince me to go, not to give me reasons to avoid it.” He knew that she would call and make sure that he had scheduled an appointment with her… guy… and that she’d probably stalk him to every appointment from here until eternity.
“It’s the right thing to do and you know it.” Yes, yes he did.
“I really screwed up didn’t I?” He knew that she would be the first to agree with that statement, along with everyone else in his life.
“I’m just a silent observer here…” Yeah right...
“Since when has your name been synonymous with silent?” Michelle Blake was the queen of loud and obvious and out there, nothing about her screamed ‘stay in the shadows’.
It was honestly the thing that had attracted him to her most when they first met.
“Hush it you. You know what I mean.” Yes, yes he did.
“So you were just sent to the dirty work?” She was called because the others knew that he couldn’t turn her down, that he would listen to her and be honest with her because that’s the way it had been for the first fourteen months of them knowing each other.
She was his best friend and there was no hiding from that.
TK and Carlos weren’t stupid, neither was Judd, or Tommy.
They knew damn good and well what they were doing.
“It worked didn’t it?” He could hear the humor in her voice and he rolled his eyes at the thought. “They knew you couldn’t say ‘no’ to me.”
“That’s because I’m scared of you.” And that was also the cold hard truth.
“That’s because you know I’m right.” That wasn’t the only reason, but it was part of it. “Just like you know that deep down, they’re right too.”
“All of them?” He didn’t need to admit to that kind of defeat did he?
“All of them Owen. They just want what’s best for you.” But she was right, once again, she was fucking right.
They were his friends, his family, and just like he would take bullets for them and fight for them through every hellfire the world could throw at him, they would do the same for him.
He hated to admit it sometimes, because he fancied himself being invincible, but he knew it was true.
Wayne had been right all those many months ago.
You couldn’t go through something like cancer alone.
He didn’t know he had even tried.
“And what about you?” He hadn’t meant to ask that question out loud because it wasn’t exactly his place.
She had moved on, he was sure of it.
“What about me?” The soft voice on the other end of the line made his heart skip a beat.
Maybe he had asked just the right question.
“What do you get out of this?” There had to be some benefit in this for her, she wasn’t selfless.
“Knowing that I helped a friend out…” He rolled his eyes so hard he was supposed they stayed in his head.
“Right… Now who’s full of shit?” She didn’t mean a word of what she said, at least not the way that she said it, and he knew it.
“This is the last time I ever do something nice for you.” Her words were growled out and he chuckled.
He had struck just the right nerve.
“Don’t say that. I’m glad that you came by yesterday. It’s what I needed.” It had been good to see her, to hear her voice, to be in her presence again.
“A good old fashioned ass kicking?” And that, yes that.
“Seeing you again.” But that wasn’t what had done it for him.
“Flattery will get you nowhere Owen Strand.” He could tell by the tone of her voice though that flattery was about to get him everywhere.
“Will it at least get me a date?” Because that, that would be the icing on the cake.
“Not even close.” She had never shot him down that quickly before and he huffed.
Had he really lost his game that fast?
“How about a night out at least?” She could at least have a few drinks with him, right?
“You’re about to have surgery Owen, I don’t think you need any nights out.” Okay, so maybe a night in would work then.
“Fine. Will you at least come visit me in the hospital?” Seeing her smile would make him feel better immediately and he knew it.
“You’ll be there for what, a few hours, no.” God she was playing hard to get and he hated it.
“Come take care of me then?” He was going to need someone to look after him for a while though right?
“We’ll see.” That wasn’t a ‘no’...
“Pretty please.” He would beg her if he had too.
“I’ll visit you, at home.” Ugh, which meant he was going to be stuck with TK and Carlos mother henning him wasn’t he? “After TK and Carlos assure me that you’re not being a giant baby.”
“I would never…” He would handle this like a champ!
“Riiiight…” But she knew him better than anyone and he couldn’t help but smile. “Listen, Owen, it’s late…”
“Yeah. Yeah, sorry for keeping you up.” He hadn’t meant to call so late, or to let the conversation last so long.
But it had been good to talk to her again.
Hell, it had been good to talk to anyone.
“It’s okay. It was good to hear from you.” She whispered her response and he wished more than anything that they had talked in person instead.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve missed this.” He had missed her more than he had wanted to admit, but now that she was back, sort of, it hit him hard just how empty he had felt the past nine months without her.
“Late night talks were always our speciality.” And that they were, regardless of their location, if they couldn’t sleep, they would sit up for hours and talk, amongst other things.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have gone so crazy if I had had those over the past nine months.” He didn’t want to put that burden on her shoulders but he had to put those words out there.
He needed her to know that he had screwed up and he had missed her.
He just didn’t know how to say it.
“Maybe not. But we’ll never know now will we?” And sadly, they wouldn’t.
They couldn’t take what had happened, though he desperately wished he could.
“Guess not.” He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. “We’ll talk again though?”
“We will.” He crossed his fingers and toes and everything he could think of because he needed her to be telling the truth about that one.
“You promise?” He had her back now, he didn’t want to lose her again.
“You get that surgery and get yourself in therapy and we can even have these talks in person.” He would do whatever it took if that was the case.
“Are you insinuating what I think you are?” He was pretty sure she was, but then again, they had both changed, maybe things would be different this time.
“Don’t get any ideas cowboy.” He couldn’t help himself, he always got ideas when it involved her.
“Too late.” But really, who could blame him?
“Good night Owen.” She whispered.
“Good night Michelle.” He whispered his response back and before he knew it the line was dead.
He sighed as he dropped the phone beside him on the bed.
He knew now that he needed to get himself in order and he needed to start making things right again.
Michelle had been step one, convincing him to get the surgery and get into therapy.
But now he had some other amends he needed to make.
And his next stop, was TK.