Chapter Text
'Anger' described with one word, yet it can never sum up the complex web of emotions that make it such. No word can shorten the feeling of waking up and wanting to break every china plate in your cabinet. Or the urge to suddenly tear every material possession you own in the oak wardrobe. There is nothing that can measure up to a saliva-filled mouth, the saltiness of snot and tears colliding in the ugliest way possible as you tremble.
Shards of white china littered the hardwood floor, some splintering into the wood and others crushed to near dust. The mirror, what little of it was left, displayed crimsoned brown skin and bloodshot eyes. They burnt with wrath, scanning the room to see what else dared to exist. Tatters of fabric dangled from a chiselled body and draped over every broken piece of furniture in the room.
Not a single thing, inanimate or animate, remained whole. It was as though Dvalin's rage had re-awoken, specifically choosing to let it all out in Kaeya's office. One would have to see it for themselves to believe a human to be capable of such damage. Though, it was true. As true as Diluc leaving, and as it had been nearly a month.
Jean stood tense outside the office, with her hand clamped over her mouth as she leant up against the door, listening intently. Kaeya's devastation began like always, at the early hours of dawn, relentless and worsening until dusk. Many times had the young woman raised a hand to knock, only to put it back down upon hearing another wave of wreckage.
"What's the matter?" Albedos soft voice jumped the knight from her spy work, turning on heel and motioning for the alchemist to lower his volume.
"Oh, my apologies," The blonde corrected himself, barely audible now as he moved closer to the door, placing his hand firmly on the doorknob and yanking it. "Excuse me. I have some paperwork to hand in."
Jean watched dumbfoundedly as the alchemist danced over rubble, extracting crumpled sheets of papers from his lab coat, and lay them down on the split desk. Kaeya froze, slowly turning his head to stare at the shorter man as he walked right back out, not bothering to mention or even acknowledge the situation at hand.
"The Acting Grand Master is waiting for you too," Albedo said, the clicking of boots fading to nothingness as he retreated back to the laboratory. "Seems she forgot how to open a door."
She shot a spiteful look to the blonde man and found herself unable to move, rooted in place as Kaeya's gaze peered from the open door.
Silence enveloped and sealed the two, tension rising as the clock hands ticked obnoxiously. Her mouth moved, and a slurry of words came out all at once, completely unintelligible. The tanned man blinked once, sniffling, fists clenched tightly at his sides. The overpowering sensation of rage was melting away, daring to reveal the soft white underbelly laying beneath it: sadness.
"Good evening," Jean cleared her throat, cheeks tinted pink from embarrassment as she attempted to gather herself. Despite being the Acting Grand Master, confrontation remained impossible for her. "How are you?"
Kaeya's face dropped, and he took a step back into the office, pointing with his finger and inviting her in. "Are you okay?" It was a very stupid question, one that contained several segments needed in order to comprehend the answer.
Her boots caught on a scrap of fabric, and she tripped forward, reaching out to support herself on the table. But, with only three legs, it caved easily, and she opted to fall back on the torn sofa instead. Albedo's paperwork had fallen through the split in the desk, sagging down like a hammock.
Kaeya closed the door, and unaware of the force he used, the window-panes rattled as it slammed shut. A slither of orange light peeked through ripped curtains and illuminated the warzone before her. The cavalry captain gave a half-hearted kick, grunting as he cleared a small space on the floor, sitting down in it. He cradled his knees to his chest, head perched on top, looking aimlessly around at the newly decorated office.
"Did it make you feel better? Poor you," Jean finally spoke, her words tainted with pity. "Kaeya, you're really not well."
A shrug came in response and another monotone grunt. Kaeya's fingertips busied themselves with a loose patch of his sleeve, twisting it around until the threads snapped and it detached. Jean watched as he dropped it to the floor, following it with great focus, another lone tear falling and hanging from his chin.
It would not take a genius, an alchemist, or even a mage to know he was not well. Deep purple bags decorated under his eyes, fingernails torn and bloodied, complimenting cracked knuckles from wild punches. The rat-tail was matted and untamed as it hung across his shoulder, bangs greasy and curling at the ends.
"We spoke to Adelinde about you," Jean's voice was almost patronising, speaking as though he were a child in trouble at school. "She's suggested you return to the winery for a rest. You're welcome to return when you're better, but you're only getting worse the longer you stay here."
"You're kicking me out," Kaeya's voice was hoarse and low, choked with tears lodged in his throat. "Diluc was right. Inefficient."
"What are we meant to do? A search party? A public plead?" The woman threw her hands into the air. "He left you on his own accord."
Regret came seconds later. She hadn't meant it like that. Kaeya rose to his feet, snatching the jacket from the back of the splintered office chair and draping it over his shoulders. A sour smell wafted from the fabric, and if you sniffed very hard, you might still be able to catch the undertone of lamp-grass.
A bath had not been in question for several days. It was a ridiculous proposition, utterly stupid. Why would he wash Diluc off? Nobody had been able to give a logical answer, not one, not even the alchemist, who in fairness, hadn't been allowed to finish his sentence.
Kaeya felt along his jawline, straining to remember what the soft peppered kisses once felt like, Diluc's face blurred and distorted in his mind. If he pressed hard enough, worked into the flesh harder, he might find the remnants of the redhead. If he worked into the grooves of his skin, he may be able to fish out so many pieces and restore the young man like a jigsaw. Yes, he could bring him back.
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"Master Kaeya," The motherly voice. "Don't do that."
His fingers were ripped from his wrist, prickling from being scraped so roughly, begging for more. They found a new home in a woman's lap, his knuckles being lathered with lotions and fingernails painted with clear polish, blood cleaned up alongside.
"You've made a mess," The motherly voice. "Don't you want to look nice for when he gets back?"
He found himself being pulled forwards, his feet ascending the staircase through muscle memory alone as he could only stare forward. The smell of lampgrass hung heavy in every crevice of the mansion, relentless and overbearing as Dilucs face continued to change in his mind's eye.
"Let's get you cleaned up," The motherly voice. "Come, come."
Soft, small hands moved to peel layers of damp fabric from his skin, slowly working on the buttons holding the scraps together. Her skin was so cold. Unbearably cold. He missed the feverish touch of him and the rough callouses on his index finger from gripping the claymore so tight.
"We'll wash your hair," The motherly voice. "Up we go, ready?"
Muscle memory, once again, led him into a tiled washroom, a hot, steaming bath ready to strip the last of Diluc from him. The greedy water would consume all of him, throwing the remains down the drain once it had robbed him fully of every last memory.
"Master Kaeya, please," The motherly voice. "In you go, you're okay."
Once you are alone, are you free? Or is freedom separate from loneliness? Can the two co-exist?
A foot dipped into the water, toes pruning up already as a wave of filth emitted from him. The motherly hand rested on his shoulders, gently pushing him further and further down.
"Well done," The motherly voice. "You did so well, come on now, lean back for me."
And he did, cascades of thick, matted blue hair splaying in the water. The cold fingers undid each knot, a kiss planted on his forehead in apology when he subconsciously winced in pain. His neck ached from the position, and he shifted, allowing his head to submerge fully, only to be pulled up again.
"Don't do that. Now, now. I'll find him," The motherly voice, quiet. "I'll find him, okay? Master Kaeya?"
The shampoo worked into his scalp, tingling the follicles and stripping the thick layer of grease from them. The water was lukewarm now, and goosebumps travelled along his limbs, shaking the body as he was pulled from the tub and into the warm embrace of a towel.
"Let's get you ready for bed," The motherly voice, sad. "I'll look after you."
"Sorry," It was quick, heels dug into the ground, his own hand moving to wrap the towel around himself. Regaining independence. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," Adelindes voice. "Would you prefer to sit and talk before sleeping?"
Kaeya nodded, shuffling to the main room, his old room, Diluc's old room now.
A white linen shirt had been laid out for him, and a pair of old black shorts, offering little warmth in the winter season. The shirt fit snugly around his chest, tinted with lampgrass and fresh washing. They hung from his waist, accentuating the slim legs, flourished with bruises and scars.
The maid patted the bed beside her. Dejavu, she fixed the pleats on her dress, laying them out. The mattress denting as Kaeya's weight sunk it down, her body slipping to lean against his.
"How will you find him?"
"You'll see," She offered a smile, though her lip faltered, and her eyes shone. "I'll find him. Soon. Fast. I'll find him. If truth be told, we aren't holding up so well here either. Elzer can only do so much without the young master. He's left us nothing. So we have to find him,"
Kaeya hummed, resting his chin on top of her head, glancing out of the window to look at the snow falling. It was thick, heavy, a pain to melt.
"He doesn't like the snow."
"That's why he'll be home. Mark my words, he'll be here for dinner tomorrow," Her tiny fist clenched. "I've spent several days preparing a stew. It's the last of our meat supply too."
It seemed as though she was trying to convince herself more than anybody else. Kaeya draped an arm over her, feeling the hot breath against his chest as she exhaled, mutual exhaustion taking the pair.
"Goodnight, Adelinde," He peeled back the stiff covers, grimacing at the starch itchiness of the cheap sheets. All of this money, and Diluc still bought his bedding from the market. Money doesn't make sense.
"Goodnight, Kaeya," Informality at its finest. What a blessing, to be normal. A last smile was offered, and another motherly kiss on the temple before the door was closed and darkness enveloped him in the room.
Diluc had slept here, red hair tussled on the pillow, tossed to and fro. Did he flip the pillow over once it got too hot? Or was he the type of person to manage? Perhaps he didn't care for such things at all. Maybe the pillow stayed firmly this side up, never changing, never moving. Did his legs lay like this? Or kick out at an angle with no covers? Feet exposed to the night air, how brave. Monsters could have grabbed his toes and plucked them clean off!
No, that's silly. Diluc slept like he always had. Curled up, hand under the cheek, other hand searching behind his back. That hand had found its way into Kaeyas many times as a child, comforting him as he slept.
Sleep comes without warning. Like many other things.
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"I am too young," Kaeya found himself speaking aloud, mouth half-full with bread. Lightly toasted, barley browned, seeping with yellow butter. "To be waiting like a widow."
"Indeed," Adeline quickly replied, playing with her hairpin, tucking a stray lock into place. "You must ask for special reimbursement of your time when he is back."
The maid quickly flushed scarlet, the hidden innuendo of her comfort obvious as the younger maids burst out laughing. A half-hearted chuckle came from Kaeya, who took another bite, teeth gnashing together as he devoured the toast.
"I certainly will," He added onto the joke, watching as the two young girls peeled into further laughter, hands over mouths as they struggled to keep up the professional manner. "Hocco, Millie, it's okay, laugh. He's not here to tell you off, is he?"
That brought the laughter to a standstill, completely, swiftly and sharply. They excused themselves quickly, making short work of stacking up expensive teacups and hurrying to the kitchen, trading nervous looks.
Silence upheld the room once again, only broken by the crunching of bread and the loud gulp as he swallowed.
The snow had set thick now, five or six inches, drowning the flower baskets hung outside the window, and coating the vineyard. The wind whipped the mansion, howling in agony upon realising it was locked out. The howl was familiar. More disgruntled, as though it were more an inconvenience if anything. With a cough and chattering teeth, it howled again.
It now took to knocking. Doorframe threatening to bust open, unanswered as the Cavalry Captain and the Maid stared at it.
"Is it him?"
"I don't know."
"Okay."
The crust of the toast was set on the plate. The ticking hands of the grandfather clock turned to chime, precisely 9 o'clock. The knocking continued, harmonising with the howling. Its teeth chattered furiously now, and the door handle turned to and fro frantically. A jingle of keys and several more handles turned, then a click.
A flurry of snow swept in the mansion, the door burst back and crashing into the wall. Icey wind invited itself in, snubbing the steam of hot toast and crumpets laid across the table. A very pink face came to view, a deep scowl and a freckled grimace as it sniffed the air.
"Stew?" It was as though he'd never left, shutting the door softly and unzipping the heavy leather boots, placing them aside. "I hate stew."
Diluc glanced between the two, raising a brow as he waved slowly. The shoulders of the coat were coated in snow, earlobes burnt red and fingers tinted with blue.
Adeline took a stride forward, and for once, she allowed herself to do the impossible. Her hand rose, sleeve sliding up as she readied herself, inhaling sharply before cutting through the air. The sound of a solid slap echoed across the lower floor, possibly even to Dragonspine.
It was impossible to now tell whether the red on Dilucs face came from the cold or from the maid.
"You stupid, stupid boy," The motherly voice. Stern. "Would you look at yourself? No, not even to yourself! The world around you! Do you realise there is more than playing the hero? Shall I start addressing you as the Darknight too? Or perhaps 'Mister do it all himself.' What would your father say?"
"I-" The gloved hand rose to stroke the fresh welt, bottom lip quivering. "I don't kno-"
"Well, your father brought me up in this very house under my mother, his maid. And, I'll tell you exactly what he would have said." The motherly voice. Wise. "You can fire me right after I finish speaking. No , in fact, I won't be fired. I'm doing Master Crepus a justice . Why I bet he's rolling in his grave right now."
She cleared her throat, lowering it an octave as if a professional impressionist, hands-on-hips. "Diluc, being selfish again? What did I tell you?" The impression was so good, that the red-head found himself teary-eyed, head hanging down like a stray dog. "Running off in your short-tempered tantrums again! What do you do now?"
Diluc dropped to his knees. Thudding loudly as he sank to the carpet, head bowed down to touch the maid's heels. A role reversal if you ever did see one. His hands loosely latched around her ankles, and in one breath he broke out into a heavy sob, shoulders racking as he buried himself further down, with snow falling from his shoulders.
"P-please, I'm sorry, A-Adelinde," Kaeya winced, frozen in his seat as he watched the nobleman let go of his dignity. A fire set alight in his heart, yearning to scoop the redhead up, though if he did that, he'd have to forgive him. "I- S-Sorry, so so-sorry."
She crouched down, her small hand running through his fiery hair, muttering under her breath upon noticing the matted curls. Diluc's cries turned to whimpers, gasping for air as he gave in to his emotions, blinded by sparkling tears.
"I'm very sorry for losing my composure, Master Diluc," Adelinde , no longer the mother, picking him back up to his feet, using her sleeve to wipe away tears. "Now, pull yourself together, look who's here."
Thawed. With a single look, thawed. The milky abyss staring right into his soul, past the glassy eyes and through the defensive walls. Kaeya. Kaeya. The name rolled pleasantly from his tongue, calling it over and over again like prayer until he stood right before the very man.
"Kaeya, I'm so sorry."
Silence. Jaded eyes flickered across bruised tanned skin, freshly cracked knuckles and puffy eyes.
"Kaeya, please don't ignore me."
Silence. Gloves thrown to the floor as he attempted to link his fingers with the limp tan hand.
"Kaeya, look."
A single calla lillie, petals crumpled and half-dead pulled from the depth of coat pockets. The cavalry captain arose, taking the stem of the flower, snapping it between forefinger and thumb, letting it fall to his feet.
"You left me alone," The kitchen door clicked shut, no maid in sight as ravenous hands feasted on one another. "You left me alone, again. Why?"
A greedy kiss silenced the woes, and the taste of butter spread across his tongue. Diluc pulled away slowly, framing Kaeyas face in his hands, examining every pore, every mark, scar and hair that he could preserve in his mind.
"I'm home now,"
"But are you staying?"
His name was called out again like a saint praying for mercy, touching every inch of exposed skin as though searching for god. How holy it was too.
"I'm staying. I'll stay. I'll stay here and eat cold, buttered toast forever. I- I thought I was making you proud, so you wouldn't get hurt again. B-but I couldn't even figure out where to g-go-"
"You owe me, Luc."
Another greedy kiss.