Chapter Text
Chapter 5: Arizona
Pain, anger, depression, being hurt. All of these are pretty strong emotions. They are so strong that even a flicker of pain can take away joy that took years of build up.
I have always been the person who put happiness in front of everything, no matter what. That was who I was raised to be. The light in a world full of darkness. I was always responsible and years ahead of my age. I stepped up when people needed me, I stepped up when my parents needed me, especially when my brother needed courage to join the army.
He wanted to join the army since we were children, but he needed to know that there was someone at home who would look after our parents.
I reassured him, I told him that he can worry about the war, but never about joining the army, never about our parents and never about me.
And then two years later, we got the call to come to a hanger and identify his body. They told us that they couldn't give him the care he needed and died due to lack of medical personnel.
I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, I wanted to express how I really felt. I just… I promised Tim that I'd take care of them. So, when they lowered his body from the airplane, I stuck by their side and helped them through their grief. I helped in planning is funeral, even though I never got to say good bye in private.
I'm a good doctor and I'm a good daughter. I call my parents everyday to let them know that I'm okay, it's not because I need my parents, but because they need me. They need to know that I'm okay, that my dead body wouldn't be flown out for them to claim. They need me and I always come through to the people who need me.
I just, I didn't come through for Callie. Although, she never really needed me for emotional support or mental support. I mean yeah, whenever she had to speak in front of an audience, her insides literally melted and she barfed to a point where there was puke all over her hair. But other than times like those, she never needed anyone to depend on.
When she came out to her father, she was torn and heartbroken. But she still carried herself like the strong and powerful woman she was. I was there for her, until I wasn't.
Anyway, I need to get to the NICU to check up on my babies. Not 'my' babies but you know, the babies in my care.
"Umm… Dr. Robbins?" Alex interrupts my trail of thoughts.
"Yes?"
He looks over my shoulder as he closes the chart in his hands.
Why has Karev's expression changed so suddenly? What's going on?
Oh my god! She's here! she's actually here. She actually came to see me. She came to see me right? Why else will she come to Peds? I mean she knows that I still work with children as well as fetuses but she knows I love Peds.
Wow, she looks great. Just like I remember her to be. But her hair, it's longer, it's way longer than she ever kept it. Callie loved to try out new hairstyles and would often cut it short the moment it passed her mid back. But wow, the long hair makes her look like a princess. She's wearing this low-cut red top and a pencil skirt with matching high heels which makes her tan legs look insanely long and hot, very very hot.
My eyes suddenly dart to her chest. No, I'm not looking at her chest but I'm looking at what's... what's not there. Years ago, we had bought each other heart-shaped necklaces for valentine's day. Every time I looked at her, that necklace would stare back at me. It made her look human and now, she looks like a goddess.
I got pulled out on my thoughts when I heard her voice.
"Dr. Robbins, Dr. Karev" she says without ever looking at me.
Dr. Link and Dr. Kim lead her towards one of the patients. And just like that, she walked away, once again and I let her.
But this time I followed her.
"Oh umm- Dr. Torres" I called out to her as I entered the patient's room.
"I hear you have kidnapped one of the patients?" Callie said.
This is not fair. I'm trying to be nice and civil and she's being mean to me, that too at my own hospital and in front of my own colleges. I will not allow this. If she wants to be rude, well two can play that game.
"Well according to you that's what I did to our child so…"
Callie looks up at me for the very first time. And just as quickly, she looked back at the chart in her hands.
"Wow, you still suck at jokes. Karev did you check on the patient in the morning?" Callie asks. Wait what? Now she wants to makes small talk.
Alex start talking about patient details but my mind drifts off. I want to be mad at her, I really do. Especially after the way she has been treating me over the past couple of years but I don't. I know I have been horrible to her, but for me Sofia will always come before me, Callie and all the drama that never seems to leave us.
"Dr. Robbins, can I- umm can I talk to you in private?" I heard Callie ask.
Oh, she wants to talk to me. I couldn't help but smile, she wants to talk to me. But then just as quickly, I feel angry.
"What do you need Callie?"
"Is there anyway, you'd let me see Sofia today"
"Callie-"
"No, I know what you're going to say, it's just that, it's her birthday and I just- I was wondering if I could give her, her gift in person"
"If I let you see her today, she's going to ask about seeing tomorrow and then day after and so on. She was so heart broken when you left the first time and then again when you stopped calling. I don't want her to go through the same thing again"
"Arizona-"
"Please put her before yourself Callie"
Suddenly the monitors in the room start going off. Both Callie and I rush towards the patient to see what's going on.
"Karev did you check on his patient in the morning?!" Callie yells.
"Yes, he did and I did. Why? Are there any more of my judgements you want to question?"
Callie glares at me.
"Is it me or has his rash increased since I got here?"
Callie might be right. It definitely looks worse. Oh my god! Is this what I think it is?
"Does this look like-" but before I could finish Callie looks at me.
"Necrotizing fasciitis?" she answers.
"Get an OR ready and tell them we are coming and page Dr. Avery" I yell as I follow Dr. Link and Dr. Kim towards the elevators.
Callie starts walking away but in the opposite direction.
"Hey, the OR is this way, you know that so why are you going the other way?"
"I… I… I don't have any privileges yet" Callie scrambles.
"So? Bailey knows you! I can have an intern tell her"
"Arizona, I'm supposed to go home today, I came to check on my patients. Best case scenario this surgery lasts for twelve hours, I wouldn't be able to go back to New York by tomorrow"
Thee lift beeps as the doors open. Dr. Link pushes the patients inside while Dr. Kim holds the doors open and lets the nurses in. I enter the elevator and wait for Callie.
"Make a choice! The bacteria is spreading way to fast throughout his body. He's your patient, you have to decide!"
The elevator doors start to close, but I put my hand and stop them and stare her down.
"You are right, I'll make some calls before I scrub in and join you in the OR"
"I'll tell one of the interns to report to Bailey about your privileges"
Callie enters the elevator and I retract my hand from the door. I wish I could tell her something more, but the elevator is way to crowded to have a private conversation. I'm sure the two nurses, the patient and the other doctors won't mind. But now is not the time and place for that. I was hoping that we could be civil and celebrate Sofia's birthday together.
The elevator ride up is very quiet, of course there is the regular beeping from the patient's monitors but I am doctor. I have been a doctor for a very long time now. I have mostly learned to tune the noise out. When dealing in high risk situations and tiny humans, it's best to be fully focused on the tiny human than getting distracted by the beeping.
I swear the OR is just two floors up but it seems like we have been in this elevator for a life time. How did we end up like this?
No, I don't mean the patient and being stuck in the elevator with my ex-wife. Although, I don't think I'm 'stuck' with my ex-wife. I mean I literally convinced her to join me in the OR. I definitely don't feel stuck.
How did Callie and I end up like this? We were happy, so very happy. We had a baby and then… the damn airplane went down and took our happiness down with it.
The elevator doors opened and I moved out of the way so that the patient can be wheeled into the operating room.
"Umm Calliope?" I called out to her.
"Yeah?"
I don't know what to say to her. I don't even know how to talk to her, not any more. Previously, I could say anything to her. It used to be easy and super fun. But now it's just hard and awkward.
I feel like if I say anything at all we'll start fighting. The last time we spoke was five years ago. It was the worst fight I have ever had with Callie, with anyone really.
But I cannot believe that she's here in Seattle. Like she's actually here. Even though I know her actual surgery isn't scheduled for another three days. And I know that she came today to spend time with Sofia, but I couldn't help but feel that maybe she wanted to see me too. Like maybe a small part of her came here for me.
Callie is staring at me. Why is Callie staring at me?
Oh yes! I wanted to talk to her.
"I'll see you in the OR?" I asked as I smiled at her.
If I can't talk to her without either of us losing it, I guess I could just smile at her. She's still the same person I fell in love with all those years ago. Just the situation got the best of us. I… I really want to hug her. But we aren't there yet. I want Sofia to have her other mom, I want her to have both of her moms. She's already lost a dad and I don't want her to lose any more parents.
I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I let Callie spend the day with her. It's Sofia's birthday and she'd be thrilled to spend the day with her. I just need to make sure that Sofia knows that its temporary. I can't see her feeling sad over something that I could have controlled. But yes, Callie should get to spend some time with her only child.
"Yeah, you should probably scrub in, I… I have something I need to take care of" Callie says and fishes her phone out of her pocket.
She looks worried, like something is bothering her. Is she calling her girlfriend? Or her boyfriend? Is that why she feels a bit conflicted about entering the OR and spending more time in the hospital than she has to.
I hate that I don't know anything about her personal life. I hate that I don't know anything about her, not anymore. I share my daughter with her. I need to get her back in my life. I need to try at the very least.