Chapter Text
Chapter Four
Hawk burst out of the dojo, sprinting past a bewildered Miguel and Sam sitting on the platform without as much as a second glance. Tears blurred his vision, but he willed them not to fall, biting the inside of cheek until he tasted blood.
He knew it. He knew it. He’d always known it would end this way. He’d known it the moment he’d thrown Bert through that window, the moment he’d broken Demetri’s arm--
There was no way this could have worked.
A part of him was angry: at Kreese, for goading him into trashing the dojo; at Sensei Lawrence, for leaving Cobra Kai behind when Miguel got hurt and not giving a shit about the rest of them; even at Demetri, for allowing him to have a shred of hope that this could end in any other way but pain.
But most of all, he was angry with himself. For all that anyone else had done, he had always taken the final steps to fuck up his own life.
“Hawk, wait!” Demetri called behind him. He could hear the other boy’s pounding feet behind him but he didn’t stop running until he reached the dojo’s fence. He shoved the gate open to make his escape to his bike, Demetri at his heels.
“Hawk, would you stop running a second--”
Hawk snatched the spare helmet from the seat, dropping it on the dirt beside the bike. He shook his head, keeping his back turned even as he heard Demetri approach.
“I told you,” he said, shoulders hunching. “I told you he wouldn’t take me back.”
“I’m sorry,” Demetri whispered from behind him. “I’m so sorry, I thought--”
“What,” Hawk snapped. “You thought I’d say sorry and we’d all sing kumbaya around the fucking koi pond?” He winced at his own words, wanting to turn around and apologize, but he just clenched his fists at his sides instead. “Just--leave me alone. I’m going. Just like they wanted.”
“I’m coming with you.”
Hawk’s hands shook so badly that not even tightening his clenched fists could stop them. “No, you’re not. You’re staying here.” Stop making this so fucking hard , he thought wretchedly. Don’t make me do this.
“Yes, I am,” Demetri snapped. “What did I tell you before? It’s you and me. Until the end of the line .”
The quote made Hawk’s heart clench, memories of the two of them at the midnight premiere of Captain America swimming unbidden in his mind. Of course. Even now, Demetri would reach for something familiar to them to try and get through to him.
I can’t do this.
He whirled around to face the other boy, channeling all of the anger and pain and sadness he was feeling into a scowl worthy of his Dark Side self. Demetri reeled back from him.
“You’re such a fucking nerd ,” he hissed at Demetri as angrily as he could muster. He felt his cheeks burning, but he pressed on. “ You wouldn’t last one fucking day out there and I can’t be watching out for myself and you at the same time. Wake up .”
I’m sorry. But I can’t drag you down with me.
Demetri didn’t reply. He walked forward, face twisted in anguish, and placed both of his hands on the sides of Hawk’s face. They were shaking, but still firm enough for him to pull his face to his own and press his lips to Hawk’s.
“I know what you’re doing,” he whispered against his mouth. “And it might’ve worked better if you weren’t crying your eyes out.”
Hawk scrunched his eyes shut, feeling for the first time the tears rolling down his face. Demetri’s thumbs swiped at them, and Hawk felt his cheeks burning and he was sure his scar was doing the same. He put his hands on Demetri’s wrists, squeezing them tightly.
“I can’t--I can’t let you do this,” Hawk whispered. “I can’t drag you down with me. You have to stay here, you’re safe with them--the LaRussos, they like you, they won’t--” He took a shaky breath. “It’s the only way I--”
Demetri cut him off mid-sentence, pressing his lips to his again and again and again and again until Hawk forgot what he was going to say. He moved to Hawk’s scar, lips grazing over it carefully before moving to his cheeks, kissing the tears from his face.
“Eli,” Demetri said softly, pressing a kiss to Hawk’s cheekbone, just below his eye. “I’m not abandoning you. Ever .”
Hawk melted against him, knees buckling, and he dropped his head to the taller boy’s shoulder. Demetri dropped his hands and wrapped them around him, pulling him close.
“I’m sorry,” Hawk mumbled into his shoulder. “I didn’t mean it. What I said.”
Demetri sniffled. “I know.” He squeezed him again. “I did though.” Hawk lifted his head to look him in the eye, and to his shock Demetri’s eyes were red rimmed and teary. “I’ve got your back. Even if Miyagi-Do doesn’t.”
Hawk briefly pressed his forehead to the other boy’s. “Thanks,” he whispered.
Neither of them noticed Miguel and Sam behind them at dojo gate, or the shocked look on Miguel’s face when Sam yanked him back into the yard.
Miguel stumbled back into the dojo, mind reeling. “What---what--- what-”
“Shhh.” Sam hissed, glancing over her shoulder. “Keep your voice down.”
“ Did you not see- -”
“Yes!” She hissed. “I did. But--” she glanced around the yard again. “Nobody else knows.”
Miguel blinked at her, bewildered. “ You knew?”
Sam winced. “Kind of? I know Demetri liked him. I didn’t know about Hawk.” She pulled him back to the platform, and he sat down with a heavy thunk.
“Wow,” Miguel said, looking back at the dojo gate. “ Wow .”
Sam eyed him worriedly. “Are you cool with this?”
Miguel whirled to look at her. “Am I cool---of course I am. I’m not---I don’t care about that . I’m just...surprised.” He shook his head. “Never would have guessed.”
Sam leaned back on to the deck. “They were always together. Ever since we were all little.” She pursed her lips. “Honestly, I think Demetri could do a whole lot better.”
Miguel elbowed her lightly. “You know, you really should give Hawk another chance,” he said. “He’s really not a bad dude, he just got wrapped up in Cobra Kai. Like we all did.”
Sam shook her head, scowling. “I watched him break Demetri’s arm , Miguel. I can’t forget about that.”
Miguel was quiet, and he leaned back on the deck next to her. “But Demetri forgave him.” He cocked his head to look at her. “So why can’t you?”
Sam opened her mouth, then closed it. Her eyes suddenly had a faraway look to them. “I watched him do it, Miguel,” she said softly, voice breaking. “I couldn’t move.”
Miguel wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I know. You told me about that,” he said. “But that wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t know. It felt like it was.” She sighed, and dropped her head onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I know he’s your friend. I just ....need more time, I guess.”
They sat in silence for a while, staring at the gate.
“So...what do we do about...” Miguel gestured vaguely. “Do we tell them we know? Or do we just...pretend we didn’t see anything?”
“I don’t know,” Sam admitted. “I don’t think they want anyone to know, or else they would have said something. So I guess...we don’t?”
Miguel nodded. “Yeah, that makes sense.” He glanced worriedly at the fence. “I wonder what's up with Hawk, though. He looked pretty upset.”
“So...what do you want to do, now?”
Hawk sat down heavily on the bench outside the gate, shoulders hunched in defeat. “Go home, I guess.” He rubbed a hand across his eyes to clear the tears from his vision. “Maybe we can join another dojo?” Despite the heavy ache in his chest, he felt the corner of his lip turn slightly upward. “Maybe those Topanga losers are recruiting.”
“Just because their Senseis aren’t clinically insane doesn’t mean they aren’t legit,” Demetri said, sitting down next to him. “Need I remind you, not every dojo in the valley is out to settle decades old karate scores.” He knocked his foot against Hawk’s. “We could check them out, though. If you wanted.”
Hawk blew out a breath. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He shrugged. “Or maybe Topanga won’t even want me.”
“ Topanga ?”
He felt Demetri jump on the bench next to him, and they turned to see Sensei Lawrence striding up to the bench. “Don’t tell me you’re abandoning ship for those pansies.”
“You know, for someone so loud you do manage to sneak up on people a lot ,” Demetri scowled at him. “And you shouldn’t call them pansies.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He came to stand in front of Hawk, and gave him a light slap on the side of the head. “That’s for lying. We’ll think of some creative workouts for next practice to make up for that trashing the dojo bullshit.”
Hawk rubbed the side of his head, scowling. “What do you mean, ‘next practice’? Didn’t you just see Sensei LaRusso kicked me out?”
“Hey, I’m half of this dojo,” Sensei Lawrence snapped, jerking a thumb to his chest. “And I say we aren’t letting you off that easy.”
Hawk’s breath caught . Demetri straightened up on the bench next to him. “Wait. So-”
“I can stay?” Hawk said, his voice coming out much smaller than he expected. He glanced back over his shoulder, as if he could see through the wooden fence to the house behind it. “But what about--”
Sensei Lawrence followed his gaze toward the house. “Give LaRusso a minute. He’s...touchy, about Miyagi. Old man was like his dad.”
Hawk felt his cheeks burn with shame again, and he lowered his eyes. “Oh.” Beside him, Demetri pressed his shoulder into his ever so slightly.
“Hey,” Sensei Lawrence said, softening his voice and taking a knee in front of him so he could meet Hawk’s eyes. “I know what it’s like, man. When Kreese gets in your head. Took me 40 years to break away from that.” He poked Hawk hard in the collarbone. “But you did it on your own. That’s badass. Remember that, okay?”
Hawk nodded, and swallowed hard around the lump suddenly lodged in his throat.
“Alright.” Sensei Lawrence stood, and clapped him on the shoulder. “Great job today,” he said. He paused, then added, “You too, Demetri.”
Demetri blinked at him, bewildered. “Uh. Thanks.”
He headed back towards the dojo, but turned after a few steps to point a finger at Hawk. “You’ve got a second chance here. Don’t fuck it up.”
Hawk shook his head. “I won’t, Sensei.”
“Huh,” Demetri muttered, once Sensei Lawrence was out of earshot. “I didn’t even think he actually knew my name. I usually just get ‘The Mouthy One.’”
Hawk’s lip quirked into a smile. “Is he wrong, though?”
“Hey!” Demetri put a hand to his chest in mock offense. “You’d better show some respect, I defended your honor in there! You didn’t see it, but it was glorious.”
“Apparently,” Hawk responded with a smirk, but it quickly faded into worry. “What did you say, exactly? You didn’t get Sensei LaRusso pissed at you too, did you?”
Demetri shrugged. “Nothing that wasn’t true.” He winced slightly. “...though I may have overdone the sass.”
Hawk sighed. “Demetri…”
“Hey, it's okay though!” Demetri nudged him in the ribs. “Sensei Lawrence is on your side. They run the dojo together now. He’ll talk him down.”
“I really think you’re overestimating Sensei Lawrence’s conflict resolution skills.”
Demetri snorted. “Okay, well. Maybe they’ll be too busy bickering to remember he kicked you out. How’s that?”
“...I’d like to think we’re a bit past that,” a voice said from beside them. Hawk felt his anxiety spike; without even having to look, he knew it was Sensei LaRusso’s voice.
Demetri must have noticed the way he stiffened; he slid just a bit closer to him on the bench as Sensei LaRusso emerged from behind the gate. He started towards the bench, but stopped a few yards away. “Hey guys.”
“Okay, what secret lesson did you Senseis get on sneaking up on people and when do we get to learn it?” Demetri grumbled. “You would think that would be, like, the first lesson in karate warfare.”
Sensei LaRusso smirked. “I’ll add it to the lesson plan.” He nodded at Demetri. “Could I talk to Hawk for a minute?”
Demetri turned to look at Hawk eyebrow raised, as if to ask you okay with that?
No , Hawk thought. Not really . He could already feel his pulse starting to race again at the thought of having to look Sensei LaRusso in the eyes after what he’d admitted to. But what choice did he have, now? Hawk gave Demetri a small nod.
“Uh--yeah,” Demetri said finally. “Sure.” He clapped a hand on Hawk’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze, letting go quickly. “I’ll be in the house.”
He hopped up from the bench and headed towards the gate, but doubled back after a few steps to stand in front of Sensei LaRusso. “Hey, I’m sorry about what I said before,” he said. He tilted his head, considering. “Well. I mean. Not for what I said, because I think that was spot on, really, but I could have said it more eloquently.”
Sensei LaRusso gave him a wry smile. “Apology accepted. I needed to hear it.” He patted Demetri’s shoulder. “Thanks, Demetri.”
“Okay. Cool.” He shot a quick look back at Hawk, flashing him a quick thumbs up behind Sensei LaRusso’s back. Hawk tried to smile back at him, but his nerves twisted it into a grimace.
As Demetri disappeared through the gate, Sensei LaRusso moved to stand in front of Hawk. Hawk shifted uncomfortably, but couldn’t bring himself to raise his head to meet his eyes.
“I wanted to talk to you, after what happened in the dojo,” LaRusso started. “About why I...reacted...the way I did. This house, the dojo--it belonged to my teacher. I lost him before I was ready, and seeing it torn apart...was upsetting.” His voice broke over the last word.
Hawk hunched his shoulders, wincing. The pain in the older man’s voice was still as clear as it had been in the house, and in Cobra Kai’s dojo.
Sensei LaRusso took a shaky breath. “But I know it took guts to tell me what you did, when you didn’t have to. Especially when you knew it meant risking your place here.”
He sat down heavily on the bench next to Hawk. “When Sam and Miguel told us they wanted to combine dojos, I knew there would be things we would have to let go of. Things we’d all done to each other in the past that we’d have to forgive so that we could move on.” He huffed a laugh, devoid of humor. “I’ve never been really great at that, even when I was your age, but somehow you guys are all managing it.”
Sensei LaRusso turned to face him now, waiting until Hawk slowly raised his eyes before continuing. “So I wanted to say I’m sorry. That I lost my temper with you earlier. However warranted those feelings might be...you were trying to do the right thing. I know that.”
Hawk stared at him, bewildered. It occurred to him that he should probably respond to all of that, but he didn’t know what to say.
“What you did was still terrible,” Sensei LaRusso continued. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, the same way Hawk had seen him do in class to calm himself when Sensei Lawrence was trying to rile him up. “But... I’d like to forgive you for that. It might not be overnight. But I’m working on it.” He opened his eyes again and looked at Hawk.
Hawk flinched under the intensity of his gaze. He should say something, he knew he should, but the lump that had formed in his throat during Sensei Lawrence’s talk had now doubled in size, and the rising wave of anxiety he’d only barely had a hold of before was threatening to break. He quickly averted his eyes before Sensei LaRusso could see how watery they’d become.
“Why?” he managed, finally finding his voice. “After everything I did. Why would you forgive me.”
Sensei LaRusso leaned back against the fence and considered this. “Because...your Sensei told me you’re the kind of kid this dojo was started for,” Sensei LaRusso said slowly. “Someone that needs help, and has nowhere else to go.” He tilted his head in the direction of the gate. “And as a certain friend of yours reminded me, forgiveness isn’t just for a few of you.”
Of course he had. What had he done to deserve that nerd?
What had he done to deserve any of this, really?
“What if i don’t deserve it.” He sniffled and rubbed a hand over his watering eyes before raising them to meet the older man’s. “I didn’t want any of this. I just---I just wanted to actually be able to get through a day at school without someone trying to kick my ass or--” he raised a hand, his fingertips grazing over his lip scar, “-or someone making fun of me.” Sensei LaRusso’s eyes flicked to his scar, as if he was noticing it for the first time, and Hawk instinctively ducked his head. “I hated myself, I was a fucking loser . ”
Why the fuck are you telling him all of this?
“I had panic attacks every day just thinking about going to school. My mom--she called the principal about all of it and she just made it worse . Cobra Kai made it all go away.” He heard his voice growing shakier, but he couldn’t stop. “I could fight back, when something pissed me off or freaked me out I could just--- make it go away . I had a girlfriend, I had friends, Miguel and Aisha and Bert and Mitch and--and Demetri. I had everything I ever wanted. And I fucked it all up. Over and over.”
Hawk hunched over on the bench, elbows resting on his knees, so he could dig his palms into his eyes and stem the flow of tears he knew was coming. He tried to steady his breathing, struggling to pull a deep breath while he was bent over. Somehow, he managed to pull in enough to keep himself from another panic attack, if only barely.
Sensei LaRusso was silent next to him, giving Hawk a chance to drag his sleeve over his eyes a final time before straightening up again, breathing raggedly. When he did, he found the older man staring at him carefully.
“So you joined Cobra Kai to find control over your life,” he said finally. “Right?”
Hawk blinked. He’d never thought of it that way, but it made sense. “Yeah. I guess,” he sniffed.
“And did you feel like you were in control, when you were there?”
“Well. I wasn’t crying like a pussy all the time when I was in Cobra Kai,” he muttered. He swiped again at his eyes.
Sensei LaRusso shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. And don’t use that word here.”
“Sorry.”
“What I meant was, those panic attacks, that fear you felt at school, how you felt about yourself--did that go away? When you were in Cobra Kai? Or did it just take a different form?”
Hawk thought back to the dojo, his new hair and persona crafted to keep himself separate from who he had been. The anger he’d felt when Demetri had brought up the coding competition in front of the others, the fear he’d felt that someone would remember him as nerdy Eli and not Hawk. The blood and scars on his knuckles, when all of the rage and pain built up from years of torment and teasing flowed from his fists and into Brucks’ face. The uncertainty, the panic he felt spike in his chest as he held Demetri to the floor at Golf-N-Stuff, unable to drown out the whoops of the Cobras behind him.
“No,” he whispered. “It didn’t.” He held his hands out in front of him, mapping the scars and scabs on his knuckles that had not been there the year before, and clenched his fists. “I just...punched everything that made me feel…anything.”
“Hm.”
Hawk glanced back at the Sensei, who was now staring off into the woods surrounding the dojo. He seemed to be turning Hawk’s words over in his mind.
“Karate can be great for venting your frustrations, calming yourself down,” he said finally. “I did that a lot, with my teacher. Still do, to this day .” He turned back to Hawk. “But karate is more than that. It’s about balance. Between here,” he pointed to Hawk’s head, “and here,” he poked him lightly in the chest. “If you don’t have that, it doesn’t matter how much physical karate you learn-you’ll never be able to control it. Do you understand?”
Hawk nodded mutely. He didn’t miss how Demetri had flinched, when he’d snapped at him the night before. And Hawk had been so quick to snap back at him, when he was hurting. Forget karate ; if you don’t get a handle on this, you’re going to fuck up everything with him, too.
“Sensei Lawrence told me that you’re a great fighter. I’ve seen that. Physically, I think you know you’re one of our best. But I’ve also seen you lose your temper, even before Kreese came into the picture. He definitely exploited that, exploited you . But now it’s time to take that control away from him. We can teach you every block and kick in the book, but if any of them are in your head, you’ve already lost.”
“How do I do that?” Hawk asked desperately, glancing down at his scarred knuckles again. He thought of his nightmares, the snap of Demetri’s arm echoing over and over again, the crushing weight on his chest. “ I can’t even stay out of my own head.”
Sensei LaRusso scoffed lightly, leaning back against the fence. “Well, I have to tell you. I’m not the expert on that. It’s still something I’m working on, myself.” He glanced back at Hawk. “But if you’re willing, we can work on it together.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “I have a few meditation techniques I’ve been working on, since...well, since all of this started. I’m still working it out. But I can show you.” He eyed Hawk again. “If you’re really serious about all this.”
Hawk nodded quickly. “I am. I swear, Sensei.”
Sensei LaRusso nodded. “Okay. Saturdays, before practice, once a week. We can start there.” He held a hand out to Hawk. “Deal?”
“Yeah,” Hawk reached out and shook his hand. “I can do that.”
“Good.” Sensei LaRusso released his hand and stood up from the bench. “Then I’ll see you next week.” He started to head towards the front of the yard, presumably to collect Sam and head home.
Hawk leaned back heavily against the fence, the full weight of the conversation finally starting to settle onto his shoulders. He was actually getting another chance. Sensei LaRusso knew everything, and he still wanted him here.
Before he could lose his nerve, he quickly stood up from the bench to stand next to his bike.
“Sensei LaRusso?” The older man paused, and Hawk took a breath. “Thank you. For letting me stay.” He felt his face flush but he pushed through it, keeping his chin up and eyes on the Sensei. “And I really am sorry. I’ll do better. For you and for everyone.”
LaRusso shook his head. “I appreciate that, Hawk,” he said ruefully. “But don’t just do it for me, or for everyone else. It’s your life. Do it for you.”
Hawk watched him go, and leaned his hip against his bike. His life.
He’d spent most of his life as Eli trying desperately not be noticed, burying himself in fantasy worlds and hiding behind his hands trying to attract as little attention as possible. After he’d become Hawk he’d exploded outward, lashing out at anyone that threatened the new reality he’d created for himself or even reminded him of the old one.
His life. He didn’t even know what that was, anymore.
He heard footsteps behind him and Demetri appeared at his shoulder. “Hey. How’d it go?”
Hawk leaned against him, letting the back of his hand brush Demetri’s. “Okay. I think. I get to stay.”
Demetri grinned at him, “That’s awesome!”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I have to do some extra practices with Sensei LaRusso, for meditation or some shit like that. But he wants to forgive me.” He tried to give Demetri a small smile, but it came out more strained than he intended. Demetri’s grin faded a bit, and he nudged Hawk in the side with the elbow closest to him.
“Okay, this is a good thing. Why do you look like someone just drop kicked your puppy?”
“Just…”he shrugged a shoulder. “He made me rethink a lot of stuff. About me.” He sighed. “I’ve got a lot of shit to figure out.”
“Well, yeah. We all do.” Demetri glanced quickly over his shoulder, and then carefully laced his fingers through Hawk’s at his side. “I told you. This whole dojo is in major need of therapy.”
Hawk squeezed Demetri’s hand, feeling a bit of the tension from the day’s conversations drain from his body at the touch. “Thanks for helping me with this. Seriously.”
The other boy squeezed back, eyes soft. “No problem. You did most of the work.” He released Hawk’s hand, and bent to pick up the spare helmet he’d discarded on the ground earlier. “Besides. If we’re being honest, it wasn’t entirely unselfserving of me.” He pulled the bulky helmet over his head, and flipped open the plastic visor to wince at him. “I don’t think I could have convinced Sam to drive me all the way to Topanga for practice, and there is no way I’m ever doing this again.”
Hawk snorted. “Right.” He pulled on his own helmet and swung his leg over his bike, turning the key to rev up the engine. He heard Demetri sigh loudly and then climb on behind him, his arms sliding around his waist tightly.
“And don’t take the long way just so we can hit all the turns,” Demetri said loudly in his ear over the roar of the engine. “You’re not as stealthy as you think you are, Moskowitz.”
Hawk snickered, and revved the engine louder. “What was that?” He called over his shoulder. “I didn’t hear you.”
“I said--” Before he could finish Hawk pressed the gas and the bike roared forward, kicking up gravel as it made its way down the path. Demetri yelped as it started to move, his arms clasping tighter around Hawk’s middle. “Oh my god you’re such an ass.”
Hawk laughed and revved the engine, propelling the bike away from the dojo and reveling in the way Demetri pressed himself against his back.
Well. Hawk’s life might be a slight mess, but at least he had one thing figured out.